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Tag Archives: sick

Let it snow. Just not THIS much. I know, I’m really picky.

Just a quick update. I am not dead; I am still coughing up a lung and my nose is running, like, a LOT, but otherwise? I think I might be on the mend. Maybe. Seems everyone’s got some sort of crud right now; I’m not alone in my sick nasty suffering.

I learned a very smart thing in that I could not sleep for days, and one night I totally ragequit my bed and decided to sleep on my couch and it worked like a CHARM and I couldn’t figure out why, until I figured out that I was weirdly propped up on a bunch of pillows and maybe THAT had helped with all the coughing, so I put a billion photos on my bed and the next night I slept MUCH better. So apparently the tuberculosis or whatever I’ve come down with likes me to sleep at a weird upright angle. I WIN, TUBERCULOSIS OR WHATEVER YOU ARE!

Also, if you live in New York or the northeast area, you may or may not have woken up to THIS on Sunday morning:

HOLY COW!

We totally got a foot of snow over a 24-hour period. I was at work on Saturday and the drive home from work was NO BUENO. But that was only a few inches of snow; when I woke up the next morning, we’d gotten probably 9 MORE inches. And I had to dig out from it. Which took about an hour. A sweaty, terrible hour, in which I wondered how I had been sent to a Soviet work camp. But I got my poor car unburied and moved it to an empty spot that had been cleared and then went back in and collapsed on the couch and went pant, pant, pant while my jeans dripped melty snow on the floor.

Ha! Yes. Shoveling snow ALWAYS looks this dapper!

Ha! Yes. Shoveling snow ALWAYS looks this dapper!

I love you, New York! I don’t want to leave you! But oh, that was a lot of snow! And I am not much of one for manual labor, hence me working in a cushy office job!

(I did giggle a little watching people get stuck. The problem is that people didn’t think they had to shovel MUCH snow to get their car out of the spots. The main areas had been plowed, but you had to clean out, like, behind your tires and such. Or your tires would spin and spin. And people were being lazy, and thought, “I will just clean away a LITTLE snow!” and then they totally got stuck and were all “WHIRRRR!” and stuck. It was their own damn fault. I wouldn’t have laughed otherwise, promise. I was the MOST anal about shoveling all the snow away from my car, because once I got stuck and it was the worst, and who’s going to help me get out, Dumbcat? I think not.)

Christmas is almost done; I am currently waiting on ONE GIFT and I can mail everything out and will be FINISHED. (Hurry up, one gift!) Some people have gotten their gifts already and I had many grins getting messages from people who’ve received things this weekend. I have a pile of gifts for Mom and Dad and the extended family that I will give to Mom and Dad when they visit next week, and they will give ME gifts, and I will save them to open on Christmas day so I don’t feel so bad about being that sad lonely person on Christmas. AND, The Nephew’s mom invited me to her house for Christmas brunch, so I get to give him his gifts in person, and see him on Christmas day! That was a happy unexpected surprise. I love that I get to spend a few hours with family on Christmas day that I wasn’t expecting. That makes me so joyous.

Shh, don't tell him, but I bought him a remote-control plane. He's going to flip.

Shh, don’t tell him, but I bought him a remote-control plane. He’s going to flip.

I am so pleased with Christmas this year. I’m so happy I was able to get it all together and make Christmas happen after the nightmare that was last year’s non-Christmas. And Christmas is only ten days away! Huzzah!

(And shh, I totally bought MYSELF some gifts; I think that’s allowed. Some new clothes, and shoes, and some various accessories. Sometimes you need to treat yourself just a LITTLE. Plus I needed some new clothes. Don’t we all? Sometimes?)

Also, aren't these the CUTEST, and they were 50% off! I HAD TO HAVE THEM!

Also, aren’t these the CUTEST, and they were 50% off! I HAD TO HAVE THEM!

I know I keep telling you more posts are coming, and they really are, I promise; they’re being worked on in draft form as we speak. There has been some posting going on on my review blog, if you’re so inclined. I haven’t disappeared. I’ve just got a million irons in the fire right now, I guess. Oh, and maybe also tuberculosis.

Hope your Decembers are all going well and you’re staying warm and dry and such. I’ll be back soon. You won’t even notice I’m gone. Promise!

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I’m a daisy if I do.

I really did have plans to write some things this week. I had a schedule and everything. But sometimes plans fall by the wayside when you are hit by ZOMBIE DEATH SICKNESS.

SICK SICK GROSS AND SICK

SICK SICK GROSS AND SICK

Fine, I just had a really terrible cold, but I do so like to exaggerate. It’s just about all I can do, as I am stranded on my couch surrounded by Dayquil bottles and used Kleenex and the sad, sad sounds of hacking up a lung. Which, by the way, Dumbcat does NOT approve of. They are loud and they disrupt his 20 or so hours of sleep a day he seems to need. How do I know he sleeps this much? Because we’ve been hanging out a lot over these past few days, and he’s not at all amenable to my pleas of “OMG PLEASE JUST GO GET ME SOME ICE CUBES WHY ARE YOU THE WORST?” because he’s too busy sleeping. SO MUCH SLEEPING. Why do I have a cat if when I feel icky he won’t get me ice cubes or more Kleenex or soup? Oh, because he’s my best fuzzy little guy and I love him? Fine. That’ll do. I guess.

So, yes. I have been struck low by a cold. I’m fairly sure it’s just a cold. It’s not the flu. I had that last year and I thought I was dying. Plus this year I totally proactively had the flu shot and everything. Some sort of crappy cold that seems to have settled into my lungs. I woke up Friday night coughing and haven’t stopped since. I also have had a fever, a nose that won’t stop running, I’ve lost my voice on and off over the past few days, and this morning when I woke up I was all dizzy. Dad keeps telling me I’m a lunger like Doc Holliday in Tombstone so I keep telling him “You’re a daisy if you do!” and he says, “I got two guns, one for each of ya.” We like Tombstone quotes, we do.

I'm your huckleberry.

I’m your huckleberry.

Being sick when you’re a grownup is NO FUN. Well, it’s not fun when you’re a kid, either, but at least then someone brings you soup and things. When you’re a grownup you can (well, hopefully) take a little time off work and sleep, but you still have to get up and get yourself the soup and the tissues and such because the cat just WILL! NOT! DO! IT! FOR! YOU! Even though he TOTALLY has thumbs, so you KNOW he could get me things if he just WANTED to. Sigh.

I also had to do things over those sick days. Christmas is coming and if I just sat around on the couch sighing and such, Christmas would not arrive on time. SO! Over the past four days, when I’ve been running a fever and coughing like a TB patient, I:

  • went to five different stores (as well as various places online) and finished my Christmas shopping (as well as did grocery shopping and TOTALLY bought myself the best purse ever…I couldn’t even help it. I needed a new purse and it’s gorgeous and it smells richly of leather. SWOON.)

    It looks like this but a little darker brown and I LURVE it.

    It looks sort of like this but a little darker brown and I LURVE it.

  • wrapped approximately 47 billion gifts. Give or take. I mean, I didn’t count, or anything.
  • packaged up the gifts that had to be mailed (except for the three that I can’t finish because I haven’t gotten the stuff for them in the mail yet.) Lots of brown paper. Lots of packing tape. Lots of addressing.
  • went to the post office. Stood in a line that stretched out the door. Was at the window for forty-five minutes because it takes years and years to mail anything overseas because I assume we might be terrorists? I don’t know.
  • And, just in news of OMG, this morning I called out of work and when I went back to bed, I slept until ELEVEN A.M. Without even moving. When I woke up I was all, “how is it 11?” and “do I eat breakfast or lunch WTF?” and “people sleep til 11? This seems suspect.”

Now I am going to go to bed because I need to get up early tomorrow and sneak into work and carefully put my Secret Santa gift onto my recipient’s desk before they get into work. The first day went well; yesterday I had a top-secret plan and had my boss put it on their desk for me; tomorrow it’s up to me again. I am not saying who my Secret Santa recipient is. THAT IS WHY IT IS SECRET. But I am giving this person a very, very good Secret Santa year. (So far as my own Secret Santa gifts I’ve gotten lotto tickets, and I won nothing. But that’s par for the course for me with lotto tickets. I swear tickets could be winners, and I’d touch them and POOF! they would immediately be losers. I have bad lotto-ticket mojo. However, when I GIVE lotto tickets, like as gifts, people tend to win. It’s strange. I have personal-loser gift-winner mojo.)

I should, hopefully, be back one of these days with actual content that’s not OMG I AM HACKING UP A LUNG related. I mean, how long can a cold last, right? Urgh.


The worst thing ever: a retrospective

You know what’s not fun? Stomach flu. It’s not fun when you’re a child and it’s SURE as hell not fun when you’re an adult.

Today I went to work and I felt fine. About an hour later I thought, hmm, my stomach, it feels kind of icky, like an elevator with the cables cut. That’s a funny feeling. Wonder what’s up with that?

About two hours later, I realized, oh. OH. Huh. I think I’m dying, so I’m going to go home now. And I did. And I slept for FIVE STRAIGHT HOURS. And I was supposed to go to a show tonight but I decided that was a bad idea because although I felt better after ALL THE SLEEPING ZOMG, I wasn’t quite sure I wouldn’t feel like death again in the middle of the show. And the show’s half an hour from my house. And I kind of want to hang out on the couch tonight and loaf with a warm cat curled up to my leg.

Since I have work tomorrow I have to be better by then. There’s not really an option. Calling out sick tomorrow would throw off the whole schedule and make people very upset and I have this crazy work ethic, I don’t know. I might be a little nuts.

This started me thinking. I’m a generally healthy person. Well, other than long-range crap that I take medication for. Those aren’t things that are going to kill me, probably. At least for a very long time. But it’s the short-term things that really stand out in your mind, right? I was talking to someone who’d broken a bone yesterday and comparing war stories and thinking about the various discomfort-scales of things that have happened to me in the past.

Yes, shush, this is what I do for fun. Isn’t this what YOU do for fun?

FLU

I’ve only had the official flu once, I think. I’ve had colds more times than I can count – I mean, who hasn’t? – but when I had the flu last Christmas I pretty much wanted to die. It was two and a half full days of sleeping, one day of being up but WANTING to be sleeping, and then about two weeks of feeling like death after the main attraction was done. Needless to say, I’ll be getting my flu shot this year. At one point I tried to take a shower but couldn’t stand up long enough so kind of sat/squatted on the bathtub floor and dozed and cried a little until the water ran cold. I think if they want to torture people in Guantanamo they could just give them the flu. It’d be better than waterboarding, sincerely. WORST THING EVER RATING: 6/10

BROKEN ELBOW

I assure you there was nothing humerus about it.

I assure you there was nothing humerus about it.

When I was in college, I attempted to put glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling. To reach the ceiling, I stood on a chair I’d found on the porch. The reason, I found out later, that chair was on the porch was because it was broken. I didn’t find that out until it collaped under me. I smashed my hipbone and elbow on the floor. “Stupid clumsy me!” I said, and went about my day. Until about an hour later, when I passed out at the mattress store where my roommate was shopping for new bedding. A few hours spent in the ER told me that yes, stupid clumsy me had broken my elbow on the way down. And that is how glow-in-the-dark stars tried to kill me. The next six weeks saw me in a sling (which was SUPER-CLASSY) because they can’t cast a broken elbow, apparently, and I have a bad reaction to codeine and it makes me immediately fall asleep and drool all over and sometimes sleepwalk, so I couldn’t use that as much as I wanted, and there wasn’t a lot of sleeping for a couple weeks because I’d roll over on my arm and wake up saying “OMG OW OW OW!” Also people had to cut up my food for me because I only had one hand that worked. All in all, I do not recommend breaking limbs. It’s not good times. WORST THING EVER RATING: 8/10

KIDNEY STONES

TEN PERCENT! Dude, I don't envy any of you this at ALL.

TEN PERCENT! Dude, I don’t envy any of you this at ALL.

Just after grad school, one night after going out for a very nice dinner, I had a stomachache. I thought maybe I ate too much or something. Stomachache turned into SHARP KNIVES STABBING ME and the things that DIDN’T make me feel better were vomiting, a bath, weeping copiously, or screaming obscenities. AGAIN with the trip to the ER, and they hooked me up to a drip of some sort of painkiller and THAT was nice and then ran a bunch of tests and apparently I had kidney stones and the only thing to help with those is lots of ibuprofen and cranberry juice and you have to let them work through your system. I don’t even remember how long that took but I remember it was NOT FUN TIMES. Worst pain of my whole life. Sincerely. I’ve read that people compare kidney stones to childbirth; if that’s the case, and I ever have a kid, they’re going to have to knock me the hell OUT. WORST THING EVER RATING: 10/10

BRUISED TAILBONE

DON'T EVEN LAUGH. I wanted one of these SO BAD.

DON’T EVEN LAUGH. I wanted one of these SO BADLY.

I’m really terrible on ice. Just the worst. Really ungainly. So I walk like a careful penguin. One day when I first moved here I hit a patch of very tricky ice and down I went right on my caboose and I thought I was fine until I sat down in my car and I was like, huh, that’s a little ouchy. “A little ouchy” turned into “OMG WTF BBQ” over the next couple of weeks and apparently I’d bruised my damn TAILBONE when I fell so I was sitting down like an old person and I think I needed one of those circular pillows people get when they have butt surgery or something. OUCH. WORST THING EVER RATING: 4/10

BROKEN FOOT

I broke one of the...um...middle-purple-colored bones, I think.

I broke one of the…um…middle-purple-colored bones, I think.

In college, I may have had more to drink than was advisable. On a regular basis. One night, we decided to walk to Denny’s (which, in an intelligent marketing move, was right next to the campus – I must have eaten my weight in chain-restaurant diner food over my two years of living on campus, sincerely) and the grass was wet and I slipped. I didn’t FALL, I just SLIPPED. And I twisted my foot a little, and you know, whatever, I’d been drinking. But the next day my foot was all black and blue and it hurt to walk on and it got all swollen up and I’m not quite sure why, exactly, but I totally never went to the health center about it, and eventually it healed but I still have a bump in the middle of the top of my foot where the bone was broken and never healed right. (I have also broken each of my small toes at least once, if not more than once, over the years, because I tend to stub them on things. I’m not smooth, yo. Both of my little toes are hellaciously crooked.) WORST THING EVER RATING: 2/10

MONO

I DIDN'T EVEN GET IT FROM FIRST BASE DAMMIT. Sigh.

I DIDN’T EVEN GET IT FROM FIRST BASE DAMMIT. Sigh.

When I lived overseas for a semester in college, I was the lucky recipient of mono, which meant I spent pretty much a month or six weeks or so sleeping. I would get up (well, most days) and sleepwalk to class and go home and sleep. We only had classes Tuesdays-Thursdays, giving us 4-day weekends, so I would get in bed after my last class on Thursday and sleep, with brief getting-up times for bathroom breaks and maybe some toast, for FOUR STRAIGHT DAYS. I’ve never been so tired in my life. My roommates got worried about me and they’d be like, “are you OK?” when they’d see me awake and I’d mumble “mmrph toast sleep bed tired” and go back to sleep. It was a very long stretch of feeling like I was a zombie. I was not a fan. WORST THING EVER RATING: 7/10

CHICKEN POX

Why the HELL does this kid look so CHEERFUL? Sheesh.

Why the HELL does this kid look so CHEERFUL? Sheesh.

I caught chicken pox from my brother when I was much too old to have chicken pox. Third grade, I think. If you get it at that age, it hits you very hard, and you get lots of scars. So my mom would scream at me constantly “DON’T SCRAAAAATCH!” and I’d have to pretty much sit on my hands to stop myself because SO ITCHY. Chicken pox is not a fun illness. I actually was very lucky and I think I only have two scars from it, one on my forehead and one…well, nevermind where the other one is. BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH.  What’s fun about chicken pox is it can come back as shingles when you’re a grownup, and I had that happen a few years ago. Good times, by which I mean the opposite of such. WORST THING EVER RATING: 3/10

So, in the battle of worst things ever, KIDNEY STONES WIN. I recommend you stay away from kidney stones. How? Hell, I don’t know, what do I look like, a medical professional?

I’m going back to bed now because STOMACH FLU. I have the best furry nurse. He is quite sure he will purr me healthy. I’m not convinced he can’t. He’s a very good purrer. He’d win in the purring Olympics, for sure.


How to make your Science Fellow feel better when he has the killer zombie Finnish death flu

Our most excellent Science Fellow Andreas has been down with the killer zombie Finnish death flu for a few days and it is the worst. I worry about such things. He told me today he was feeling better, but also that he Googled his symptoms and Google helpfully informed him he had the Bubonic Plague. Well! THAT’S not good. I would not like it in the least if something bad were to happen to my Science Fellow who also happens to be one of my closest friends. Especially not the Bubonic Plague, because the interweb tells me that when you get that, you get gangrene, seizures, extremely swollen lymph glands (sometimes in your GROIN, oh, no thanks), “continuous vomiting of blood” (WTF NO NO) and black dots scattered all over your body for some strange reason. No, I don’t think I want those things for Andreas. Or many people I know, actually. Note I didn’t say EVERYONE I know. There are a few select people that could use a little gangrene and blood-gacking. I know I should be more forgiving. I promise they really deserve it, if that helps at all.

So, what could we do from a distance to make our Andreas feel better? It’s tough, because Finland is FAR, you guys. Like, when I’m getting ready to go to bed most nights, Andreas is just getting up. I know I’ve stayed up too late if I stay up to say more than “Good morning, good night” to Andreas. So how can we send a virtual get-well card to Andreas? Because he and I have a date to talk with our faces tonight on the internet and if he’s dying of the Bubonic Plague I don’t think that’s going to happen, you know?

I KNOW! LET’S TALK ABOUT SCIENCE!

I can’t think of any way to cheer Andreas up more. Except if he really has the Bubonic Plague. If he really has the Bubonic Plague, no amount of sciency posts are going to fix that shit, yo. Andreas, please don’t have the Bubonic Plague, I would be lost without you.

In honor of Andreas, here is a most excellent post I found about the top ten newly discovered species. Do you find it so exciting that they are still discovering new species all the time? I do. I think that’s kind of awesome. I mean, we’re killing off species left and right, but dammit, new species are still happening. That’s amazing to me.

Apparently, there’s a thing called the “International Institute for Species Exploration” at Arizona State University. Well, you know it must be good if it’s at ASU, because ASU is in Phoenix. You know who else is in Phoenix? BFF IS!!! So that’s why this institute must be awesome.

So this institute, every year, picks out the top ten best newly-discovered species and then SHARES THEM WITH THE WORLD! Thank you, ASU, the last thing I heard about you was that you were totally a party school so I’m glad you’re crackin’ down on the science tip, yo.

So, without further ado, here are Arizona State University’s top ten newly-discovered species. Well, not all ten, because some are totally boring, but at least three or four. SORRY! I shouldn’t say things are boring. But what the hell would I say about some pretty new plant? If you want to see the new plant, you can click on that link up there. ANYWAY! Are we so excited? YES WE ARE! Andreas, are you feeling better already just imagining all the fun we’re going to have?

This is a lyre sponge! It lives at the bottom of the sea. What sea? I don’t know, a deep one, I think. I know what you’re thinking. “AMY THIS IS BORING.” Well! Shows what you know, Slappy! This sponge is CARNIVOROUS! OK, fine, it only carnivorates (shut up, I just made that a word just now, I can do things like that if I want) plankton, but still, that’s kind of badass, for a sponge. I mean, you wash your dishes with sponges, and this one is A MURDERER (of plankton)!

OMG THE TINIES FROG IN ALL THE LAND YOU GUYS! Look, he’s on a DIME! His fancy scientific name is Paedophryne amanuensis. He lives in New Guinea. It is the smallest living vertebrate! EVER! Aw, I want like a whole aquarium of these, I love them so much! I feel like this very small frog might be my spirit animal.

You guys, this is a glow-in-the-dark cockroach. A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK COCKROACH. I can’t tell if this a very good idea or the scariest thing to ever happen. Like, once? I lived in a house that was overrun with roaches and it’s the worst place I’ve ever lived and I still have the shivers when I think about it because when I woke up in the morning and I’d turn on the light you’d see a billion roaches running for cover and you just kind of sat for a moment and thought about the turn your life had taken, you living in a place where you were outnumbered by vermin? So would it be good if the roaches glowed in the dark so you had some warning? Or would it be terrible, because when you were trying to sleep, you could see them creeping closer and closer to your bed because the one thing they wanted more than anything was to get under the covers with you and that thought kept you up at night?

This cockroach lived around a volcano site and scientists aren’t sure if it’s even in existence anymore. I find it sad that something was discovered that might already be extinct.

Also, I think this cockroach looks like Wall-E’s girlfriend Eve.

Except of course much more creepy and liable to make me get the shivers and run out into the snow with only sandals on in disgust from all those damn cockroaches. Sorry. Flashback. Carry on.

OK, you know I have monkey-phobia, right? This monkey scares me. But also is kind of intriguing.

Put your hands over the top of its head and the bottom of its face so just its eyes are showing. THIS IS LIKE A MONKEY WITH HUMAN EYES. That’s why it’s scary. It’s like a science experiment gone wrong. Also, its face is really long so it looks kind of doleful and a little pensive so I feel kind of sad for it.

This is a lesula monkey and it lives in the Congo. Also it has a bright blue bum, which makes me laugh. I like that he looks like a science teacher in the front and he’s all partytime in the back.

Andreas! There are four very interesting new species for you. And more if you click the link but those things were plants and bugs and such.

And as a special added bonus thing just for you and only because you’re sick and I know you love them:

A blue-ringed octopus! When it is threatened, the blue rings light up! They are only the size of a golf ball but they carry some of the most deadly venom on the planet! ON THE WHOLE PLANET!

Feel better, Andreas. You are my most favorite species. I hope I get to see your face on the interwebs tonight and that you are not constantly vomiting blood. If you are, let’s reschedule our chat tonight, ok? Cool. Thanks.


With the wheezes, and the sneezes, and the sinuses really a pip…

I am a terrible sick person.

I don’t get sick often. This is a good thing, because when I DO get sick, I am not good at it.

Dammit, NPH! Why must you be so awesome? WHY?!?!?

Dammit, NPH! Why must you be so awesome? WHY?!?!?

Things I want to do when I get sick:

  • moan
  • sleep
  • moan some more
  • not interact with human beings
  • imagine how the sweet, sweet embrace of death would be preferable to the evil sickness that has me in its clutches
  • eat all the soup

This is what I want to do whether I have the flu or whether I have a pesky cold. Right now, I have what I think is between the two; it’s gone past being a pesky cold, in that I’m coughing up half a lung and have lost most of my voice and have a fever, but I’m not DYING, like I was when I had the flu over Christmas. It is being made worse by the fact that it is officially allergy season here in my beloved Capital District; the pollen is so thick in the air that it’s like walking through a sticky golden haze. When I use my windshield wiper fluid to get it off the car, it creates pollen-mud. Why are you so oversexed, trees and flowers? You’re going way overboard, pollen-wise. My poor little allergy-prone body just utterly cannot handle this.

I thought I was just having an allergy attack this week, but as the week progressed and the sore throat got worse, I could no longer deny that I was actually getting sick. Allergies very seldom cause fevers. Or coughing. Sneezing, maybe, but not coughing to the point your whole ribs ache. DAMMIT.

I had to leave work early today because not only could the callers not hear me, it was like gargling with broken glass to talk. Sorry, coworkers. I’m an embarrassment. Luckily it wasn’t very busy and we had plenty of people working today, so if I had to be sick, it was a good day for it to happen.

NOT as luckily, I’m in a stretch of extremely busy busy-ness over the next 5 days. Plays to see, people to visit, auditions to run, work to do. I managed to see and review a show last night, but coughed all the way through it, and am not 100% sure how well the review came out, because I had to stop every few minutes to put my head down and moan.

Also, when you have a fever and run out of cold medication, you sometimes make poor decisions, and then you wake up and say, did I really make that poor decision? Or was it all a fever dream? And then you check into it and realize that yes, yes you did make that poor decision, and you feel like an utter and complete asshole for having done so and probably owe people an apology for things done while under the influence of fevers. I mean, so I hear. Such things happen. To some people. Not ME. Heh. No. Not ever me.

So now I’m off to make another poor decision, which is to attempt to sit through a play because it’s my only chance to see it. It’s only an hour and fifteen minutes long; I had some soup; I took a nice fortifying nap; I drank some unnaturally-orange store-brand DayQuil and am bringing a bottle of water larger than my forearm and a bag of cough drops the size of my OTHER forearm and luckily it’s at my theater so hopefully no one will get too upset at the feverish hacking chick sitting woozily in the back row.

Moan. Moan moan MOAN. Cough. I’m the most pitiful thing that ever pitifuled. Doom. Gloom. Tiny violin.

(I promise to be back soon with final episodes of “Adventures in Baltimore” if I don’t cough myself to death. No. Really. I promise.)


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