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An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 34)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Welcome to April, my little munchkins! I’ve had better months, truth be told. April’s not been my month, what with job-losing and all. But, strangely, I am in a fairly buoyant mood, for the crap that’s gone down this month. I have to assume that’s due to the fact that, in about a month, I’m LEAVING! on a JET PLANE! and going to EUROPE! (Well, actually, multiple jet planes. You have to transfer quite a bit to get to the land of the Finns.) So yes, I am job-hunting. Not fun. But I have a thing to look forward to, so that’s keeping my eyes all bright and my spirits all chipper.

I will NOT be going to all of these places. But I WILL be going to ONE of them. And I have BEEN to…let’s see…five more of them. I AM A WORLD TRAVELER!

I suppose, if nothing else, this is giving me more time for the writing of all the things. And watching all the television. Slowly but surely I’m catching up on my programs, which is nice. Someday I might actually be ALL caught up! Ha, yeah, right.

So many shooooooooows....

So many shooooooooows….

So, just in case you’re new (and if you’re new, the nametags are over by the door, along with your freshly-baked cookies and towels folded into the shapes of zoo animals), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 34th one. THIRTY-FOUR, you guys, can you even? I know. It’d be impressive if it wasn’t so damn insane. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? It makes the voices in my head quiet for a little while? Sure. Let’s go with that.

I didn’t get many questions this month, but I got a lot of search terms. So, like last month, we’re just going to have a big old list of search terms. Look at me rolling with the punches. I’m amazing, yeah? Totally am.

Here we go, ladies, gentlemen, and yes, even you, Ding Dong Joe. Even you.

– well ken, if you ask me, there is too much to complain about being young. it can really be hard sometimes, especially when your patents hardly ever you leave alone – you’re telling me! i quite like my mom and dad, but they’re always ready to criticize me. “don’t do this! you can’t that!”/ it’s often really hard to put with – oh, it’s really that bad. frankly, i’m having a big argument with my  Well! This is a very long paragraph. I don’t really know why you’d put all of this into a search, to be honest. It sounds like something from a radio call-in show. I don’t think you’ve found the right place. I mean, sure, we know a Ken here, and he’s one of our favorite humans, but I don’t know that he wants to give you advice on how hard it is to be a youth. He’s a grown-up man-person. I suppose he can come back and give you advice if he’s so inclined. That’d be up to him, though.

bitches be like i’m not materialistic  Oh! Bitches! Bitches be like, “I don’t like to be called a bitch, so why don’t you stop calling me that or I’m going to break up with you, you misogynistic piece of garbage!” In my experience, that’s what bitches be like, yo.

bluerose frommetoyou signifies  Blue roses don’t exist in nature. Geneticists have created them artificially, but you’ll never find a natural blue rose. Isn’t that interesting? If you see a blue rose, it’s either been genetically modified, or it’s a white rose that’s been dyed. The internets tells me that they are a symbol of love and prosperity. I think they’re a symbol of someone thinking you’re not savvy enough to know they’re not real. I don’t want fake dyed flowers. I like tulips and daisies and sunflowers. Cheerful flowers are my favorites. I’m pretty low-maintenance.



dating website “do you have more photos?” code  Shit. It’s a CODE? I thought it was just the guy wanting to see if you were a fatty, or wanting nude photos of you. This is why I am terrible at online dating and no longer doing it. I tried twice, both times were disasters, I am officially out of the game. I will become a crazy cat lady. It is my fate.

finnish sexy girls  I’m not sure of Finnish ladies are sexier than other ladies, but I’ll let you know soon. SO SOON. Seriously, guys. The date for the Finland trip is coming up SO QUICKLY. I’ll be sure to keep you informed on the relative sexiness of the Finnish naiset. (That’s ladies. IN FINNISH!)

I think this is a sexy Finnish girl. She's cute as a button, right?

I think this is a sexy Finnish girl. She’s cute as a button, right?

fucking sex in football sport tumblr   Good grief, there’s a lot going on in this search string. I don’t know that I can help you with any of this. Well, I mean, I drop the eff bomb sometimes. And I know how the sexing works. And I have a Tumblr. But otherwise…no. Sorry.

funny names of clowns n how to pronounce them  OK, clowns aren’t funny, first off. And how hard is it to pronounce a clown-name? Boppy. Slappy. Stabby. Those aren’t that difficult. I am confused about you, searcher. Are you wearing a clown mask and waiting in people’s bushes? The non-euphemistic kind of bushes, I mean? You are, aren’t you? Dammit. STOP IT.

go back my dinner no i’m a 1040 dun the rest just got legs  No idea. None. Usually I can get a clue about what you want from these, but this is just gibberish. The only thing that might have gotten you here is 1040 because of the time I spent working at the tax firm, but dinner, and legs, and I don’t even know, dude. Have we ever figured out who these people are who are searching these weird things, and what their motive is? No? Sheesh.

how do i get rid of the “people you may know” banner from the top of my page? i already know what friends i might know and do not need suggestions. these suggestions are annoying.  This is a nice little search term. Sentences and sentences about this. OK, I was saving this, but I’m going to give this to you guys, because you keep coming here for this: I HAVE FOUND A WAY TO GET RID OF YOUR PEOPLE-YOU-MAY-KNOW ON FACEBOOK. No, I’m not kidding. I’m very serious. It’s called F.B. Purity. It’s a browser extension (I have Google Chrome, and I’m not sure how this works with other browsers…but it’s an easy add with Chrome.) With this extension, you can get rid of People You May Know, and you can get rid of all ads and trending topics in your feed, you can get rid of people’s checkins with FourSquare, you can get rid of Goodreads status updates, you can get rid of that annoying automated list of friends they auto-populate for you on the left, you can make it ALWAYS show you “most recent” (which is why I looked into this – I was so tired of Facebook re-sorting my feed into “top stories,” I can’t even tell you)…it’s kind of awesome. You can also choose NOT to get rid of these things. It’s totally customizable and very easy to use. I don’t advocate things here that much, but I’m using this myself, and it’s totally uncluttered my Facebook. Now if it could only show ALL of my friends’ updates, and pages I follow, which is my biggest complaint right now…but I’m not as weird about it as you all are. I get hundreds of searches a month for people wanting to get rid of the People You May Know. I HAVE FOUND YOU A SOLUTION. You are so welcome. I should have found a way to monetize this, right? Dammit. I’m always so late on the thinking.

i think u r real persin but u r slut quotation  OK, I tell you this whenever you search this, but STOP CALLING PEOPLE SLUTS. It’s a terribly derogatory term. Also, a person can be a “slut” and a “real person” AT THE SAME TIME, even though I truly believe there aren’t sluts. I think calling someone a slut is just a way of shaming them for their sexuality. Just ANOTHER way. So stop it. Whenever you want to call someone a slut or a whore, think twice. OK?

my lane bryant bra underwire is coming out, do they fix it?   Ha! Of course they don’t fix it. They want you to buy a new $30 bra. You can fix it – just find the hole and do some whip-stitches there, it’s not a big deal – or you can just buy a new bra. My thought is, almost every time the underwire starts popping out, the bra’s on its last legs, anyway, and it’s time for a new one. And even if you stitch up the hole, another one seems to show up not long after. So…yeah. You can make it limp along for a bit, but it’s probably best to buy some new undergarments, darlin’.

neice and nephew are exhausting  Goodness, aren’t they just? But, like, in the best of ways. I know I am SO TIRED after a day spent with The Nephew, but happy-tired. GOOD-tired. He’s a ball of energy, that little guy. “Aunt Amy! Let’s do this!” “Aunt Amy, NOW THIS!” “You’re not too tired, Aunt Amy, DO IT AGAIN!” And then I’m like a panting puddle of exhaustion in the corner after about an hour, but he’s still bopping around like a jumping bean. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. He’s my best thing.

pepe le pew in tight jeans I could not find Pepe Le Pew in jeans. (He’s a skunk. Why’s he wearing jeans?) But I found THESE sassy pants with Pepe Le Pew ON them! Nice, right? I know you totally want them. They’re on eBay, go get in a bidding war over them. It’s ok. Have a good time, chipmunk.

sexsi kek tarifleri  You guys. YOU GUYS! This means “sexs cake recipes” in Turkish! OK, the “sexs” part of it made me giggle like a child, and then I was all, “what the heck would a sex cake even BE?” And then I couldn’t decide if it was, like, a boob or penis cake, or something you’d eat either before, during, or after sex, or something witchcrafty that made people want to have sex with you. Either way, I find this utterly delightful. Thank you, Turkish searcher! Lucy’nin Futbol hoşgeldiniz! (That’s “welcome to Lucy’s Football” in Turkish. I’m nothing if not inclusive!)

May I suggest, instead of sexs cake, baklava? It's almost better than sex. ALMOST, I said. Don't get crazy, here.

May I suggest, instead of sexs cake, baklava? It’s almost better than sex. ALMOST, I said. Don’t get crazy, here.

show me the bratz the nora dressed as hell and i really pretty bad breath  Again. AGAIN. I don’t even know. I know what a “Bratz” is (those things worry me. Their heads are way too big, they wear way too much makeup, and they wear far too little clothing) but the rest of it, again, is word salad. “Dressed as hell” and “i really pretty bad breath” don’t even make sense together. Or apart. Man, but am I confused this month.

Seriously, don't they look like a teenage aging actress with too much Botox, or something? These worry me.

Seriously, don’t they look like a teenage aging actress with too much Botox, or something? These worry me.

snoring on Amtrak  Oh, this was so written by someone who sat next to me either to or from Maryland or Virginia last year. I can’t even help it, you guys. I fall asleep and 99% of the time, I snore like a chainsaw. I don’t have a deviated septum or anything. It’s this inherited thing. All the people on my dad’s side of the family snore. Even The Nephew snores. And he’s four, you guys. So: I apologize to whoever’s going to be sitting next to me on the plane to and from Europe next month. If there was a way to make it stop short of suffocating myself, I would.

When it keeps everyone else around you on public transportation awake, I'd wager.

When it keeps everyone else around you on public transportation awake, I’d wager.

stubborness does not pays images and pictures  Are you going to find an image of this, do you think? Because I don’t think you’ll find one. This isn’t a common saying. Also, stubbornness isn’t something you can overcome. Well, I guess you can TRY. But for those of us who are stubborn, it’s a constant struggle. We just dig our feet in and REFUSE. Sometimes even when it’s not in our best interest. Like, me? If someone tells me what to do, I immediate want to do the opposite. Even if that person would say something like, “this house is on fire, get out now.” My first reaction, when faced with an order, is to rebel against it. Now, with age, I’ve learned that you can’t always DO that…but I still do it more often than a sane person should. This has led to some adventures, sure…but it’s also led to some major problems. So, does stubbornness pay? If it does, my bank account doesn’t show any rewards from it, that’s for sure.

And here's me!

And here’s me!

this really who just philosophy would you dare give heart’s cages in, working heart.  Again, people! THIS IS JUST NONSENSE! Are you finding any actual results with these sorts of searches? I do like “heart’s cages” and “working heart,” though. Somewhat poetic, you gibberish-spouting weirdo. Bravo.

what kind of nose does eric balfour have?  A super-sexy kind! He’s DELICIOUS, that Balfour. Such a profile. I have a total crush on that man. I have for a long time. (I don’t know if he’s the best actor, to be honest, but I sure do like to look at him.)

Yes, I could have given you his profile. Sure I could. BUT LOOK AT THIS PHOTO. You're welcome!

Yes, I could have given you his profile. Sure I could. BUT LOOK AT THIS PHOTO. You’re welcome!

what will cheer up my sugar glider  GETTING ANOTHER SUGAR GLIDER. We’ve talked about this, you guys. Sugar gliders die of loneliness. You can’t have just one. They need contact. They also can’t be left alone, so if you have only one, you need to bring it places with you. They’re the cutest little fellas, but they’re high-maintenance pets. Like with any other pets, you need to research them before getting them and know what you’re getting into, ok? And if you can’t give them a good home, get Sea Monkeys, or something. There’s nothing that bothers me more than people who don’t take proper care of their pets.

Look how sad this little guy is. HE HAD TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH A PRINTER, YOU GUYS.

Look how sad this little guy is. HE HAD TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH A PRINTER, YOU GUYS.

why does joel mchale hate zak bagans  Oh, I don’t know that he hates him. I think he pokes fun at him. Because Bagans is a douche. Per Joel McHale, he’s The Ghostdouche. I know he has this whole gang of obsessive followers and such, but he’s an overly-gelled Ed-Hardy-wearing slimy douchebag. And come on, don’t even tell me you believe those “ghosts” he finds. I’ve personally seen two shows where his “ZOMG I FOUND A GHOST” overacting made me laugh so hard I almost ruptured MULTIPLE internal organs. But remember: Joel McHale is an comedian. Do I think he ACTUALLY hates Douchebag O’Bagans? Probably not. But he’s a good target to make fun of. And that’s what McHale does. For a living.

Oh, no, people have been TALKIG about him! Not TALKIG! That's the WORST!

Oh, no, people have been TALKIG about him! Not TALKIG! That’s the WORST!

you don’t sincerely think love will end up disagreeing; good; insane, do you? quoted from batman STOP TYPING WORD SALAD INTO GOOGLE IT IS NOT DOING YOU ANY GOOOOOOOODDDDD

джейме ланнистер   This one is Jaime Lannister in Ukranian! Even the UKRANIANS love my Jaime Lannister! Nice choice, Ukranians. Я люблю Хайме Lannister теж! Я радий, що ти тут! (This is supposed to say “I love Jaime Lannister, too! I’m glad you’re here!” but it makes me suspicious that the searcher’s “Lannister” and my “Lannister” are very different. Oh, Google Translate, why you gotta do me like that?)

There. This is a nice note to end this on, right? Right. Sigh.

There. This is a nice note to end this on, right? Right. Sigh.

There you go, sweet potatoes! All of April. All for you. April showers bring May flowers…and MAY TRIPS TO EUROPE. And by this time next month, I will be on European soil. This is not even a drill. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)


An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 33)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Here we are! End of March. Weather’s pretty much the same as it was in February. This is all very disheartening. I am very much ready for spring. I want mud and growing things and the smell of fresh newness and all this snow to melt so I don’t have to risk my life every time I pull out of a driveway onto a road, dammit. COME ON, EARTH. We’ve suffered through a bothersomely long and cold and snowy winter. Please give us our spring. We deserve it now, please. Pleeeeease.

I am trying very hard to stick to a writing schedule; I have it all written up and hung where I can see it and it tells me what to write when so I can get things out there. Some are for the blog and some are for the OTHER blog and some are for OTHER people’s blogs and some are for submissions for publication, because I’m trying to be fancy this year and stop procrastinating. I mean, I’m not getting any younger. I have a lot of words in me. I’d like more people to see them. I think this might be the time to do that.

Yep. Totally me. Only much less corsety and much more pajama-and-cat-hair-y.

Yep. Totally me. Only much less corsety and much more pajama-and-cat-hair-y.

So, just in case you’re new (and if so, hi hi hi! Welcome to the old Football. Sometimes I write things here. Sometimes I get busy and don’t have time. I’m thinking of you ALL THE TIME, though! Like a friendly stalker!), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 33th one. That is easily divisible by 11! In case you weren’t aware! That makes it a very good number! If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Eh. Who knows. Good times, I guess. Good times and crazy search terms.

I didn’t get many questions this month, but I got a lot of search terms. I thought about splitting this into two posts, but I’m too damn lazy. So this is going to be one hellaciously long post. Hope you’re all up for the challenge.

Here we go, jellybeans. I called friend A. jellybean at work today, and he was all “WHO CALLS SOMEONE JELLYBEAN?” and that made me laugh. A lot. Because I do! I call people jellybean!

I only call the people I really, really love food-related nicknames. It's a thing with me.

I only call the people I really, really love food-related nicknames. It’s a thing with me.

are you brave enough to delete people you dont like from your facebook Am I brave enough? Is this a dare? Is this like how Marty in Back the Future couldn’t not get in a fight if someone challenged him? Well, if it’s a “brave” thing (which I would argue), then, yes, weirdo, I guess I can claim that. But mostly the people I unfriend and/or delete isn’t a dislike thing, it’s more of a “I no longer know/talk to this person” thing, so I start thinking, “do I really want them on my personal Facebook page?” and the answer is 99% of the time no, no I do not, so I unfriend them. I realize this is not what normal people do; I can only assume, per the sheer mass of friends most of you seem to have on Facebook, you never unfriend anyone, and are friends with everyone from your newspaper delivery boy to your 98-year-old Nonna, but I’m very weird about social media. As for deleting people, there are some people I’ve blocked, yes, for various reasons, some of them stalkery, some of them ex-friendy. None of this is really all that fascinating, dear. To answer your question: yep. I’m as brave as that sassy redhead from the Scottish Pixar bear movie. Rawr.

Merida would NEVER fear deleting someone from her Facebook!

Merida would NEVER fear deleting someone from her Facebook!

blogging etiquette for kids I’m curious. Is this about child-bloggers, or is this about “should I post my children’s photos on Facebook?” Are child-bloggers like sweatshop workers, and you force them to blog every night after school and they’re all “I DON’T WANT TO, MOMMY!” and you’re like “you’ll DO it, and you’ll LIKE it” and they cry and cry and you offer them an ice cream sandwich if they finish the damn thing? I’m not enjoying the idea of child bloggers at the moment. If it’s about putting children’s photos on the internet…well, you have to trust your gut on this one, and know that if you do it, there are weirdos that will most likely put your child’s photo on a porn site. The world is full of such nonsense. I am pretty selective about what photos of The Nephew I put on here. Like, I just did the zoo blog, and it needed at least a COUPLE photos of The Nephew, or you’d think I’d made him up and drove to Utica alone, but I made sure he was all bundled up, or behind a lion photo-thingy or something. Probably still pervs will find my blog, though. That’s what pervs are good at. Well, that and searching my blog for things like “literotica dogs and ladees.” STOP THAT.

bubble adult finnish necklace scientific articles worst of There’s a lot going on here, and I’m not 100% sure what it all means. I even did some variations of searches on this, and nothing. Andreas? Any ideas? There’s science here, but also necklaces, and since Andreas’ fiancée makes such gorgeous jewelry, maybe they can put their heads together and figure out what’s happening here, even though technically the two of them are Swedish, not Finnish, despite currently living in the land of the Finns. This is becoming very tangled so please enjoy this photo of a bubbly jeweled thong thing I found on the intertubes.

Yeah. This isn't at all ouchy-looking.

Yeah. This isn’t at all ouchy-looking.

coloring pages of eyes nose mouth of tim tebow Why would you WANT this? Only his eyes, nose, and mouth? I don’t…does anyone even talk about Tim Tebow anymore? Remember he was such a big deal? What happened to him? Is he no longer praying and causing everyone to have aneurisms over the separation of church and sportsball? HOLY CRAP IT’S A THING. It’s really a thing. WHAT IS HAPPENING. Who wants this? Kids? Adults? Women with crushes? Pastors? I am so confused, you guys. The internet never fails to amaze me. Sincerely.

This scares me. Kind of a lot.

This scares me. Kind of a lot.

facebook funny coworkers blocking you HA HA HA! That IS funny, your coworkers blocking you! Oh, wait, I think that means they hate you. I think that means you fail interpersonal relations. Not sending you a friend request is one thing…blocking you, that’s pretty serious. Dude, did someone tell you this is funny? They were lying.

i am not mad i just need sex Can I tell you a story? One of the things I hate most in the world is when you’re in a terrible mood, and someone (male, female, it doesn’t matter, both do such things) say something like “ugh, SOMEONE needs to get laid.” I usually say in response to that, “SOMEONE needs to get laid out” and then I make a move like I’m going to punch them in the neck, and also I say something totally inappropriate like “are you implying I don’t know how to masturbate?” because I have learned that there’s very little that shuts people up quicker than talking about female masturbation. Why is it that male masturbation is not only understood as something that happens and is normal and also a joke on all the sitcoms, but female masturbation NEVER gets talked about, and it makes people all freaked out as if it’s like sacrificing a virgin to a volcano? That probably has nothing to do with this search term, but why not take the opportunity to rant a bit, you know?

Why does this look like a child wrote it? *shudder*

Why does this look like a child wrote it? *shudder*

i hate it when people think your stupid quote images Oh. Sigh. Do we need to have this talk again? You’re = you are, your = possessive for something that belongs to you. “I hate it when people think YOU’RE stupid.” Not “your stupid.” I mean, go on and own your stupidITY, darlin’, that’s ok, but not in this format in this sentence. OK? And if you find an image with it spelled this way, don’t use it, because then people WILL think you’re stupid.

A whole SHIRT that's a grammatical nightmare. I kind of ironically want this.

A whole SHIRT that’s a grammatical nightmare. I kind of ironically want this.

i looked silver fillings brother’s mouth HOLY CRAP NO! NOT SILVER FILLINGS! (What does this mean? Anyone know?) My brother has no fillings. My brother and I have excellent oral hygiene due to fluoride pills as children. *curtseys*

i love you then i hate you. i wanna throw you from a cliff then I thought maybe this was a song (I’m not ruling that out – it might be, still, I just don’t know which one, if so.) But if it’s NOT a song…man, don’t be throwing people off cliffs. Did you read about that woman who got married, then right after took her husband up to the mountains and pushed him off a cliff? It’s all very salacious and who knows what happened there. I’m sure it’ll be on 20/20 soon enough. Or one of those Nightline: MURDER! shows and they’ll call it “The Newlywed Killer” or something. I get it: the people we love sometimes are extremely frustrating. But clench your fists or yell into a pillow or get therapy or something. Don’t murder them. Because then the next day, when you’re over it, they’ll still be dead, and you’ll be someone’s bitch in a prison cell. Do you want that? I don’t think you do.

i was the class clown but now i’m not that funny Yeah, that happens. Sometimes when you get older, you no longer have that forum in which to crack everyone up. I mean, you’re not in a classroom setting anymore, and you’re no longer all hormones and awkwardness, and you don’t NEED to be funny to survive…so your need to make loud fart noises when the teacher sits, or say things like “Jenny Jacobs is a tampon!” really loudly leaves you. It’s ok. Watch old standup videos and think about your long-lost glory. Take out the yearbook where you got voted Class Clown and cry a little on the signatures. Tell sad jokes into your shaving mirror and go off to your soul-crushing job as a stockbroker and think, “WHY ME? WHY LORD WHY ME?” You’re welcome, Crackup McGurk. Best of luck. Here’s a banana peel, go fall down and see if anyone laughs. (Bee tee dubs? Those of us the class clown were mocking back then are adults who are making people laugh on the regular now. Just an FYI. Hope you’re happy thinking about all those people you’re not making laugh now.)

Aw, the tears of the class clown. *sniff*

Aw, the tears of the class clown. *sniff*

if u r bad then say me ur dad What does this mean? It’s like a little textspeak rhyme. Let’s translate it into normal human English. “If you’re bad, then say I’m your father.” Is this an alternate way to say “Who’s your daddy?” or even “Who’s been a bad girl?” I’m completely befuddled. I refuse to use textspeak. It bothers me so much. I get it’s faster if you’re texting all fast, but it’s not that much faster. And why are we in such a race? I text everything the same way as I would write. It makes people laugh. They comment on it all the time. “You text and write the SAME!” Yes. I’m very old. It’s what I do.

im doing my paralelle parking on my 7th hour of driving . . . is this a good thing ? I don’t know because I’m confused by your question. You’ve only been driving for 7 hours and you’re learning parallel parking? I guess that’s good. I’ve been driving for 22 years and I’m still terrible at parallel parking. I’ll walk an extra ten minutes rather than parallel park. So if you can master it, you go, brave driver, you go. And don’t you let anyone tell you that you don’t need to know how to do it. You do. MASTER THAT SKILL. It’s one you’ll need as an adult, no matter what anyone tells you, and sometimes there’s no choice but parallel parking, and if you can’t do it, you’ll turn around and go home in tears. I mean. So they tell me.

i’m in my 20’s perhaps This, to me, seems to be something one should know. Are you in your 20s? Or are you NOT in your 20s? “Perhaps” is not the right answer to this question. Unless you were raised by wolves and don’t know your true date of birth. If that’s the case, awesome, can I meet your wolf-mom? I think wolves are neat.

it’s so hard not talking to you Ooh. Ouch. Yeah, I’ve had those people. Sorry, lost searcher. It gets better, one way or another. Either you and your person will find your way back to one another (it really does happen), or time will heal all wounds (or, if not heal them, at least make them easier to live with…time and distance do that) and you’ll breathe a little easier each day until one day you won’t realize until about halfway through the day that you haven’t thought about that person all day. Then you’ll get a little weepy, because it seems like you lost them all over again. It takes time, hon. I’m sorry. It’s one of the hardest parts of this whole human-gig we have going on here, and I’ve been there. Sending you much love. You will get through it. I promise.

lemurs happy birthday OMG! Is it the birthday of ALL THE LEMURS? Every last one? Why didn’t anyone tell me? I would have thrown SUCH A PARTY! Happiest of birthdays, lemurs! I hope you have the best year and are not eaten by the hyenas!

THE HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY LEMUR! He looks a little drunk, to be honest. Did someone serve this lemur too many free drinks on his birthday? Come on, people. Fess up.

THE HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY LEMUR! He looks a little drunk, to be honest. Did someone serve this lemur too many free drinks on his birthday? Come on, people. Fess up.

lucy is a person very especial Oh, sí. Muy especial. Especial en la cabeza. Muchas gracias, mi amigo.

maddest musicals ever Now, what are we talking, here. Mad-angry or mad-insane? I’m going to nominate Sweeney Todd for a little of both, for sure. The people in Les Misérables are pretty pissed. Cats is batshit insane. The cats talk and leap all through the audience and scare children, I mean, come on. The titular character in Phantom of the Opera is a lunatic. The characters in Assassins are both angry AND crazy. I could go on, but I feel I’d be boring someone. Or a lot of someones. But if you need a really specific list, I’m your lady. Let me know what you’re looking for, sweet potato.

people who.find friendship waste of time is not friendship Well, isn’t this a nice little adage. People who find that friendship is a waste of time are not your friends, I would assume would be the grammatically correct version of this? Well, good grief, why are you even hanging out with such people? What kind of person says, “I find this whole friendship gig a waste of my precious TIME” to you and yet you continue to hang with them? That’s really more on you than on them. Hit the road, Jack, if that’s happening. I’ve totally been culpable of not keeping in as good of touch with my friends as I should, especially when busy or when my head’s in a bad place (sorry, friends, I love you!) but I don’t know that I’ve ever said, “friendship, man. What a waste of ma TAHME.” If I ever say that, please take me outside of the barn, tell me to think of the rabbits, and put me down, George.

sexscarf I don’t have much to say here, other than this is a most excellent word, and would make a great band name or book title. Someone make it so. SEXSCARF! (You know you can just use regular scarves, right? Right.)

I Googled sexscarf and this came up. Does this look like a sexscarf to you guys?

I Googled sexscarf and this came up. Does this look like a sexscarf to you guys?

short romance stories for middle school Ooh, I love a challenge. “Today was the day! Morton would tell Penelope he loved her. But just as he approached her, he tripped over his too-low-hanging pants, and when she turned to see what the clatter was, her hair got caught in her braces. Better luck next time, Morton!” How’d I do? Pretty romantic, no?

the stupid smile when a person sends a message Yes. This. Sometimes this. That’s all I have to say about that. Thank you.

unipegaso animal OMG UNIPEGOSO. This is totally a Spanish unicorn-pegasus HYBRID. It would say things like “muy peligroso!” and it would also fly you off into the sunset most impressively. Can I have a unipegoso? (SIDE NOTE: there were Mexican wolves at the zoo last weekend and they wouldn’t howl back at The Nephew so I said, “maybe they don’t understand you, I’ll try it” and I said, “Ay yi yi! Muy caliente!” and THEN howled and the wolves STILL didn’t howl back. But The Nephew looked at me like I was insane and said, “Aunt Amy, those wolves don’t talk HUMAN. They speak WOLF.” And then I had a coughing fit that was also giggles.)



volue bases question- if you get a chance to become invisible then what will you do anything else? I have to say I don’t know what “volue bases” means and also I’m confused by this question. What will I do anything else. Like, anything else EVER? Well, yes, I would imagine I would continue to exist, wouldn’t I? Only I would become invisible, like at parties and also maybe if I saw someone I didn’t want to socially interact with. And if I had a wedgie in public. I would not use this power to spy on people. If you spy on people you just find out things you wish you didn’t know, like the fact that your friend is sleeping with the guy from work you’ve had a crush on for two years and hiding it from you because she secretly hates you. I mean, I hear you can find those things out. If you were to spy.

what does it mean if boyfriend rated most like ingo montoya OMG. Are you freaking out over one of those Buzzfeed quizzes? You seriously are, aren’t you? Yesterday it told me that the Breakfast Club character I was most like was John Bender, and I totally rejoiced. Although it’s wrong. I would sadly be most like Brian, the geek who blew up his locker. Also, it’s “Inigo” Montoya. Anyway. It means nothing, is what it means. It means your boyfriend answered enough questions that sorted him into the most-like-this-person category, per whoever made the quiz. Those quizzes are always wrong, by the way, and one of my friends online pointed out they’re a really good way for whoever’s sponsoring Buzzfeed to get marketing statistics out of you and you aren’t even aware they’re doing it. So I wouldn’t worry; your boyfriend probably isn’t prone to swordfights, piracy, or revenge plots. Probably. But if he starts rhyming, look out.

Even Inigo knows Buzzfeed is bullshit.

Even Inigo knows Buzzfeed is bullshit.

what is gasolining I’m really not sure. I was so worried it was going to be a sex thing, but it’s not even a thing-thing. I guess maybe it’s setting someone on fire with gasoline, but it could also be fueling something with gasoline. You could be on the cutting edge with this, searcher! Use it until it’s everywhere! It’s your day! Hoorah hooray!

when pan plays people listen radio I thought this is a Pandora marketing slogan – When Pandora plays, people listen – but apparently I made that up in my head. Nope. This is about Pan. The little goat-footed trickster. When he plays, man, people LISTEN. And also get into SHENANIGANS!

LISTEN, PEOPLE! It's Pan, dammit!

LISTEN, PEOPLE! It’s Pan, dammit!

why you always hating bitch you need a hug *sniff* It’s like you really know me. Come here, you big galoot. Gimme a squish.

wildpark poing plan WILDPARK POING! Listen. I have not yet given up my plan of seeing Wildpark Poing someday. I don’t believe in bucket lists, but if I did, I would totally have this on there. In like all-caps and with stars around it. SOMEDAY I WILL SEE WILDPARK POING! And you can all come, too. I’ll let you. Only, virtually, of course. We wouldn’t want to scare the animals.

I'm coming for you, Poing! I have not forgotten about you!

I’m coming for you, Poing! I have not forgotten about you! Is this a site? About magic and/or love? Don’t cast love spells. If they work, that person never loved you, and you are just seeing an illusion. How will you ever know if they would have loved you on their own? If they don’t work, you’ll feel stupid. Also, don’t you know the “and it harm none” warning? Controlling someone else’s thoughts, emotions and feelings is harming them. No love spells, darlin’. Find someone else and love them, ok? Oh, wait. A spell to LET him know you love him? I know a way to let him know you love him WITHOUT a spell. TELL HIM. Here, I’ll script it for you: “Hi, (name of person I love.) I know we (are just friends/don’t know each other at all/are Montagues and Capulets/are related by blood.) I just wanted to say I love you. No, no. Not friend-love. Love, love. I want to kiss your face and also let’s take all of our clothes off and just kind of revel in the nudity for a while until we do the naked be-bop. I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy, having you make me happy, and building this amazing world with the two of us together. What do you say?” If they say no, DO NOT GO HOME AND CAST SPELLS. What did I tell you about spells? But if they say yes…well, I’d expect your first kiddo to be named Lucy, of course. YOU ARE WELCOME! (They’ll never know you love them unless you tell them. TELL THEM. Is it the scariest thing ever? Sure it is. Just bite that bullet and do it, ok? What have you got to lose? What have you got to gain?)

Whoo-hoo, we made it through March! April’s chock-full-of-goodness…and then comes May! With trips to Europe! And the hugging of people I love! WHO LIVE FAR AWAY!

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 32)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Howdy, people! It is now officially almost the end of February. Really all this means to me is that I’m one month closer to going to Finland, and one month closer to seeing Andreas‘ smiling face in PERSON, you guys! (Well, again, as I’ve already seen it…and I see it every couple of weeks when we chat on the Google…but this will be better because it will be in the LAND OF FINNS!) Really I’m just tolerating this winter to make it through to the spring. Because the spring will be AWESOME.

Aw, these interspecies friends are ALSO waiting for spring!

Aw, these interspecies friends are ALSO waiting for spring!

Things have been cuckoo-bananas-crazy around these here parts, with many things going on and much, much busyness. But all is well, just a little hectic. Expect at least ONE post about ONE of the things going on sometime soon, because I have many photos that will make you glow and awww and squee. Once I get a few minutes to write about it, that is. Right now, I’m sneaking this in while I’m watching television and keep getting distracted by the pretty moving pictures.

So, just in case you’re new (and if so, hello, new friend! Sorry I don’t blog enough. I used to blog more. Maybe I will someday again), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 32th one. That’s kind of impressive, if you think about it. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? I think I feel like I have to, at this point. Like, maybe if I stopped, the earth would just stop SPINNING.

I got a lot of search terms this month, but they were mostly all variations on pervy things and Facebook questions (and someone was stalking my blog by typing in “Lucy’s Football cats” and “Lucy’s Football sex” and “Lucy’s Football Finland” and that’s nice, but who are you and what do you want with me? So after narrowing things down, we’re left with not many search terms or questions this month. I’m cool with that. I’ve got the attention span of a gnat right now, yo.

OK. Are you wondering what search terms brought people to the old Football this month? Of course you are. Why wouldn’t you be? We’re just going to list them all out one by one this month, since there aren’t many of them. Switch things up a little. See how we like that. I don’t usually dig change, but I’m willing to try anything once.

“but fuck finland” Well! That seems rude. What a rude thing to say! I love Finland. One of my favorite humans of all the humans lives in the Finland. Also, Finland has awesome things like delicious chocolates, and reindeer, and the midnight sun, and raccoon dogs, and hedgehogs. Finland is filled with awesomeness. Don’t use naughty words about the land of Finns, yo.

a poem that will make mom not whoop daughter Oh, I think maybe you’re putting too much weight on a poem. If your mom is about to “whoop” you, no poem’s going to make her stop, kiddo. What, she’s going to read “The Road Not Taken” or “A Dream Deferred” and be all, “I shall not hit my child today?” Poetry does a lot of things, but I don’t know that it’ll stop a whoopin’, darlin’. Sorry to tell you.

accidentally posted blowjob video tumblr I can’t even imagine how this accident occurred. Sincerely. I’m so befuddled. Did you think you were uploading a video of a kitten, or something, and WHOOPS THAT’S OUR PERSONAL TIME! OK, first? Don’t record your sexytimes. I know it seems like a good idea (ok, no, no I don’t) but IT IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA. And second, don’t ACCIDENTALLY POST THAT ON TUMBLR. I don’t use Tumblr much. Can’t you just take that DOWN? I mean, anyone could have uploaded it, and saved it, and is now getting…inspired…by your artistic endeavor…but just take it down. At least MORE people won’t be “inspired” by it, you know?

This is the proper face for when you come across some of the things that are online that shouldn't be. Trust me on this.

This is the proper face for when you come across some of the things that are online that shouldn’t be. Trust me on this.

bdsm marionette picture OMG NO. Come on now. Marionettes are creepy enough as it is. Now you want one all tricked out to, what, spank you or whatever? You’re a sick mammajamma. Go elsewhere for your kicks. The only kicks you’re getting around here are in the bum. And not the saucy kinds, either.  Urgh.

chuggington gangster Is there a gangster on Chuggington? Or are you calling Chuggington a gangster? The Nephew doesn’t watch that show anymore, I don’t think. Strangely, the last time I saw him he kept singing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle song, and he laughed when I told him I saw that movie in the theaters. He laughed harder when I said, “I’m very old, The Nephew.”

Chuggington is very nice, so this was the scariest character I could find, and only because it's a monkey and I hate monkeys.

Chuggington is very nice, so this was the scariest character I could find, and only because it’s a monkey and I hate monkeys.

david busters yolo bears Dude! It isn’t a BEAR, it’s a HAMSTER. And it is AWESOME. Friend K. came over a while back and was all, “Why do you have that…thing…on your table that has a YOLO shirt” and I was all, “K.! IT IS A YOLO HAMSTER!” and she laughed and said “Only you would have a YOLO hamster on your kitchen table, Amy.” Also, it’s Dave and Busters, not David Busters. Come on, now.

Here is MY YOLO hamster! You can be jealous. It's ok.

Here is MY YOLO hamster! You can be jealous. It’s ok.

do you like my eyebrows Yes. I do. I think they’re fantastic. You’re lovely. Don’t ever doubt it, you!

female sounds of ecstasy Oh, honey. No. Just stop. You’re searching for this on the Googles? Don’t even bother, ok? The ones you’re going to find are weird fake porn, anyway. You know who makes realistic sounds of female ecstasy? REAL WOMEN YOU ARE INTIMATING WITH. Check that out sometime. It’s unparalleled.

finns kill reindeers Yeah, I think they do. I know Andreas has mentioned the eating of reindeer meat before. I think it’s a thing there. (It’s probably like hunting deer here, I’d think?) But, not to worry. Santa’s reindeer are fine, I think. They’re not in the land of Finns. They’re at the North Pole. Santa-ing.

This is the happiest reindeer EVER! Don't kill him, Finland!

This is the happiest reindeer EVER! Don’t kill him, Finland!

forehead ecstasy and passion What’s up with all the ecstasy searches this month? I think I blogged about the DRUG Ecstasy once. Are you confused about the difference? And listen, I know we have a lot of erogenous zones, but I don’t know that the forehead is one. If someone was all rubbing and licking my forehead, I think I’d start giggling and tell ’em to get off. Just my prerogative, though.

grade 12 essay on what is happening to our young people?they disrespect elders,etc I’m not doing your homework for you, kiddo. You need to use your brain, ok? Or it will atrophy and melt out of your ears. Also, what a terrible essay topic. I would argue the opposite of this. I think adults always say this, in every generation, and you, Grade 12er, will say the same thing about kids your age when you an older person. Your teachers should come up with something better. Probably don’t tell them I said that, though, you’ll end up in detention.

hardest sheet music ever EVER? Man, that’s subjective. The answer is, ALL OF IT. Mostly because I can’t read music. But if anyone who does read music wants to chime in, please feel free.

in darkness and secrecy representivity Ha! I don’t know what this means, but I like how it’s phrased. It sounds like something from the code of conduct from a secret club. Are you inviting me into your secret club? I’ll think about it. Thank you, kind searcher!

SPECIAL PEOPLE CLUB! I need to watch this movie again. Like, immediately.

SPECIAL PEOPLE CLUB! I need to watch this movie again. Like, immediately.

morning porn OK. I’m curious. Is morning porn different than afternoon or evening porn? Like, would the naked laydeez be eating waffles, or something? Would you be in a different mood in the morning, porn-wise, than you would be when the sun was higher in the sky? This is all very interesting to me, in kind of a psychological way, honestly. Anyone have any ideas?

passenger singer sounds like speech impediment OMG HE’S BRITISH. It’s not a SPEECH IMPEDIMENT. What would you even think if you went to England? That they ALL have speech impediments? I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry, to be honest. Also, British accents? Sexy as hell. Why are you thinking they have lateral lisps, or something?

Also, he's adorable in a beardy way, right? Right.

Also, he’s adorable in a beardy way, right? Right.

people you may know are they stalking me? or am i stalking them? This is such an existential question. Are THEY stalking YOU? Or are YOU stalking THEM? Well, I can answer this for you, because, as you know, I am apparently the Facebook guru of the internet. (And of the real world, I guess. Two people have contacted me this week in the really real world asking me Facebook questions. I guess I’m more user-friendly than the Facebook help section. I’m ok with that.) NEITHER OF YOU ARE STALKING ANYONE. There was a rumor a while back that the people in the “people you may know” are people who have searched for you; I find no evidence that this is anything more than a rumor, although it may be true, I suppose. I’m just not a huge conspiracy-theorist. No one’s stalking. You all put way too much weight on Facebook. It’s just social media, yo.

the proof is in the pudding bitch RIGHT IN THAT PUDDING! BITCH! This made me snort-laugh. What a thing to say. “How do I know you love me, Charles?” “THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING, BITCH!” “Um…what pudding? What does that even mean? Do you love me, or don’t you? Why’d you just call me a bitch?” “Man, that catchphrase really backfired on me, I think.” AND SCENE. (Also, don’t put anything in pudding. Pudding is delicious as-is, and also you might choke someone if you put that proof in that pudding. Wait, is that proof a euphemism? I don’t even want to know.)

upstate ny hunting cabins sale Are you trying to buy my parents’ cabin? It’s not for sale. Don’t touch it. It’s my thinking-place, and my zen-place, and it smells like pine, and I love it there. You can’t have it.

There you have it, internettians. Got it in just under the wire. This month has kind of kicked my ass, so I’m impressed this happened at all. Hi-YA! On to March! Here we go!

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 19)

Howdy, folks! How do you feel about answering some questions today? Super-good? Yeah, me too. It’s like giving back, right? That’s supposed to make you feel good about yourself. And it’s much less scary than, say, giving a ride to a hitchhiker with one eye and a knife poking out of his belt. No, that wasn’t a euphemism.

We didn’t get a ton of questions this month, but we got some doozies. We always do, round these here parts. It’s inevitable, really, much like the sun coming up, the tides to-ing and fro-ing, and Dumbcat starting to beg for treats around 6pm even though treat time is 8pm, because he cannot read a clock.

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, or maybe your mom left the parental control off the laptop when she went out with “Uncle” Harold, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. Yesterday was the search term post, so, as you can see, today’s the question post. Nice how that works, yeah? Sure is.

So, yet again!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.


These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And as much as I like the traffic, I do feel bad for people who are weeping and wailing because they’re lost and alone and somehow trapped on Lucy’s Football island, even though it’s a wonderful place to be.

how many times a week to shave hands men Whoa whoa whoa. Shave your HANDS? OK, I know some men who have, like, super-hairy backs or chests or even shoulders or something, and they get waxed, sometimes, but I have to honestly say I’ve never heard of any man shaving his hands. Help me out, people, anyone ever heard of this? My answer for this is never. Never times a week. Leave your poor hands alone. You’re welcome, waxing’s better for such things, anyway.

how to make statue from string I think you build a structure from balloons, then wrap the balloons with string soaked in either glue or papier maché, then you pop the balloons and the structure stands on its own. You’re welcome, aren’t you glad I know things like this because I did set construction at theaters for years and years?

See? Like this, only larger-scale. Easy enough.

See? Like this, only larger-scale. Easy enough.

i was alienated from my mother by my father and stepmother how to fix Jeez, it’s like you’re living a terrible fairy tale. I’m so sorry. Talk to your mom; explain the situation. It might take some time to repair things; things don’t just get back to the way they were overnight. Be kind to your mom. Apologize. And what’s going on with your father and stepmother? They sound a bit wicked. Maybe distance yourself from them for a bit until everyone grows up a little? You’re welcome. Good luck, cherry blossom.

is a cat a rodent Oh, Andreas will love this one. No, a cat is not a rodent. A mouse or a rat is a rodent. A cat is a feline. (Also a carnivore, I suppose, if you want to be all sciency.) You’re welcome, you know you can Wikipedia these things, right?

This is also a feline; it will, however, eat your face.

This is also a feline; it will, however, eat your face.

is amy a common name? Unfortunately, yes. I think it’s less common now, but in the 70s, when I was born, it was the #1 girl’s name. There were so many Amys of my age that I was just one of many. I had a locker right next to an Amy who had the same last initial as me, as well. I’m not a fan of my first name. I wish it was something a little more jazzy, frankly. But it’s too late now. I’m not changing it. People would just be too confused if I showed up one day and was Zoë or something. You’re welcome, please name your kid something more original.

should i shovel snow if i’m sick Nice way to try to get out of something, trickster. I mean, if you’re DYING, no. Probably not. But if you just have the sniffles, sure. Get on out there and shovel that terrible white stuff. It’s awful while you’re doing it, and it hurts your back, but on the bright side, it’s excellent exercise, and when you’re done, you feel very accomplished. You’re welcome, stop dog-ate-my-homework-ing your household chores.

the best hooker for a spaceship OMG! The best hooker! Well, the answer is obviously Inara from Firefly. But she wasn’t as much a “hooker” as she was a “Companion.” I’m curious, are you building a spaceship? And populating it with hookers? You’re welcome, and also a little weird.

No question, this is the one you want.

whats worse porn or literotica Well. Worse is a little subjective, isn’t it? Is there anything wrong with either, if used properly? I mean, if you don’t get all obsessive, or think they’re real, or expect real women or men to act the way they do in porn/literotica, or read/watch really violent things and then act them out with unwilling partners, or something. I don’t judge these things. I assume everyone likes some sort of porn. It’s the way the world works. You’re welcome, don’t be so hard on yourself. Not a euphemism.

why always stupid people got big mouth Why always, indeed. Well, I think it’s that you’re annoyed by them, for whatever reason, so they seem super-loud and bothersome. Maybe someone you love seems stupid to someone else, and therefore would seem big-mouthed to that person, you know? It’s all in how you see it. I mean, it could also be that the stupid people have low self-esteem so are louder, I suppose. There are a lot of ways to look at this. You’re welcome, maybe invest in some earplugs?

why am i such a shut in I need more info. Are you injured, and therefore can’t leave the house? Are you suffering from severe agoraphobia? Do you hate people? If you don’t like how shut in you are, do something to change it – and that’s usually get out. Look in the paper and online, find something you like to do that’s going on, and go to it. Don’t let it daunt you. Go with someone, or go alone, but have a good time. And each thing you go to gets less scary and less scary until they’re not scary to go to at all anymore. Seriously. Or, alternately, get some medication that makes going out of the house easier to deal with. Worked for me. You’re welcome; I hope things get better for you.

why are lane bryant stores so expensive Because they know they can charge us more; there are very few good plus-sized stores out there, and people will pay a premium for nice clothes that fit (somewhat) well. (I recommend shopping elsewhere; I’ve had excellent luck at thrift stores, Peter Harris Plus, online, and Target. All for a fraction of what I’d pay at Lane Bryant.) You’re welcome; if they’re overcharging, choose to spend your money elsewhere.

why people shouldnt have butterfly knives Because they’re easy to hide away and ultimately stabby, I think. Not really sure. If you ask Dad, he’d say “THE GOVERNMENT!” or “BECAUSE OBAMA!” so don’t ask Dad. You’re welcome, maybe buy some nunchucks.

Yeah, THIS doesn't look dangerous at all.

Yeah, THIS doesn’t look dangerous at all.

On a scale of one to ten, one being WTH WAS THAT and ten being THE BEST THING EVER, how helpful were those answers? 4? I’ll take it.

Until next month – may all your questions be answered, and may your February be warmer than your January. Because no one likes the frozen wasteland of tundra of his January. NO ONE NO ONE.

An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 31)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Well, here we are. End of the month. What, already? I know! January kind of sped right by. I wish the rest of this frozen wasteland of a winter would do the same. Seriously, it’s like we’re paying for some sort of sins right now with this cold. WHY IS IT SO COLD? Good grief. The other morning, after cleaning off my car, WHILE wearing gloves AND a hat, might I add, it took most of the drive to work for my fingers to warm up, and they were all ouchy so I was convinced I had the frostbite. IT IS 2014. I SHOULD NOT BE GETTING THE FROSTBITE IN 2014.

I'm going to be the "I can't get up I CAN'T GET UP!" kid soon, seriously.

I’m going to be the “I can’t get up I CAN’T GET UP!” kid soon, seriously.

However, even though if you go outside you will probably die of cold (my favorite coworker A. said, when he ran out to the convenience store across the street the other day, “ALL THE BLOOD IN MY BODY FROZE THE MINUTE I STEPPED OUTSIDE!” so we keep picking on each other about that whenever we come in from outside. “How’s your blood? So frozen?”) there’s no rest for the wicked. We need to help the lost searchers. I mean, what if we didn’t? Would they just be wandering around all week, sad-faced and lonely and whimpering? I wouldn’t like that. Not even a little.

So, just in case you’re new (and if so, hi! Where’ve you been?), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 31th one. Whoa, it’s not too much longer that these posts are going to be older than I am. Can you even IMAGINE? If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Um. Community service? Maybe it’s like community service? Sorry, I don’t know. I got nothing.

We’ve got enough search terms and questions for two posts this month, so aren’t we the most jazzed? We TOTALLY are. JAZZ-HANDS! Come on, everyone, let me see your jazz-hands. Not you, Ding Dong Joe, not until you Purell the hell out of them. You’re just filthy, bub.



OK. Are you ready? Hang onto your hats. If you don’t have a hat, go get one; all your heat leaves through your head, you know. Mom said that, so it MUST be true.

Facebook stuff and such

advantages and evils of facebook in our life Ooh, EVILS and ADVANTAGES. Do you think you might be overthinking Facebook? If you don’t like it, don’t use it. If you DO like it, KEEP using it. Don’t worry about it so much. Advantages: keeping in touch with your far-flung loved ones. Evils? I don’t know about EVILS. I mean, there’s pervs, but where aren’t there pervs? People on there are annoying, sometimes, sure – but, guess what. People in real LIFE are annoying, too. Calm down. It’s social media. If you think it’s evil, shut down your account. There. I fixed it.

facebook ruined a generation Hey, I think you and the person above are a LOVE CONNECTION! Yes, people are maybe a little more self-absorbed on Facebook – it lends itself to that, doesn’t it? – but I don’t think it ruined anything. Mostly because I don’t think the generation is ruined. I’m honestly exhausted of all this talk of this generation’s no good, that generation’s no good – they’re FINE. Leave the kids alone. People used to say that about our generations, back in the day. It’ll all work out.

Hey, look, Disney saved a whole lost generation! Impressive, no?

Hey, look, Disney saved a whole lost generation! Impressive, no?

facebook show wrong people you may know ….how to change So…you don’t know the people you may know? WHOA. This is MIND-BLOWING. Why would you want to change it? Seriously. If you want to see people you might want to be friends with? Tip! Click on the “find friends” thing. It’s like “people you may know” only they’re mostly all relevant. (And mostly all people I don’t want to be friends with, but that’s probably just me, I suppose, since I hate most people.)

Is this me? I’m a real-life person, right?

adventures of real life people I am real! I have adventures! I like that this search term brought you right here. All the adventures! I hope you enjoy them. Most of my adventures involve me doing something foolish and/or ridiculous. If you like such things, you’ve come to the right place!

I’m not sure what these mean, but I like them.

ask lucy bad face Is that my new name? Lucy Bad Face? Or do you ask me something, and I MAKE a bad face? I think that should be my gangsta name. Bad Face Lucy. Don’t you mess with Bad Face Lucy! She’ll mess you up but good!

baltimore lil one feel me i’m stupidly I don’t even know, but this makes me happy. Is it song lyrics? I know a lil’ one in Baltimore, and she’s just about my favorite lil’ one. She has a smile that could knock you on your butt, that kiddo. She is glorious.

blah blah blah don’t listen to me love love love the wifi to my love if life’s too my love is the shhh to email this to me to leave do i have something inserted in me where like a receiver retriever what the hell is going on what am i mixed up in by accident of course Yes, this entire sentence showed up in my search results. No, I don’t know why, either. It has many words that lead you here, like shhh and email and probably inserted because sometimes I’m naughty and euphemistic, but mostly I’m wondering, who typed all this into a search engine? And why? To what end? I have to admire this type of fortitude, though. It’s impressive.


bitch please i ride a unicorn BITCH PLEASE. I RIDE AN IMAGINARY CREATURE.

Huh. I guess this is a thing, then. Who knew?

Huh. I guess this is a thing, then. Who knew? (It’s “a” unicorn, babe, not “an.” Unless that’s a weird British thing. Is that a weird British thing?)

What? What is this?

kill the trust wallpapers What’s “kill the trust?” Is it a thing? I am the first to admit I don’t know about things. I’m very much out of the loop and old and new memes always pop up and I’m like, “WHAT IS THIS?” and then I usually giggle at people’s ingenuity. So now I have to search for “kill the trust.” Nope, not a thing, so I’m just as lost as I always, but I did find this, so not all is lost. Thanks, internet!

I don’t think they are.

buffalo ny people are rude I know a number of Buffalo people (what are they? Buffalonians? No idea) and they’re nice as can be. I have no issues with the people from Buffalo. I was in Buffalo twice – once for a visit, once driving through – and the only complaint I have is that the time I was driving through I got crazy lost, but that was my fault, not Buffalo’s. (I am TERRIBLE at maps, and this was pre-GPS times, and it wasn’t easy to read a map and drive alone at the same time. However, I made it across the country this way, all alone, like an intrepid pioneer. I’m still proud about this. Young Amy rocked, sincerely.)


homemade lite brite with cups I was curious about this, but apparently it’s a whole THING. Like, you need a light table and a bunch of cups. I don’t want to make one or anything. I would, however, like a Lite Brite. Remember how much fun those were? I always wanted one, but the only cool toys that everyone else had that my family had were a Rubik’s Cube, a Simon (OH, how I loved that Simon!) and a Cabbage Patch Kid. (Mine was a redhead with braids and her name was Janet. She was the best.)

Only the coolest kids had these. I was not the coolest, sadly.

Only the coolest kids had these. I was not the coolest, sadly.


hot college swim team yay sex OMG! Yay, sex! Yeah, I’m down with that. Yay, sex. And yay, swimmers. I loved a swimmer once. They are hot. I can’t deny that. But this search term is a little less hot. The team’s not all popping out of the water and getting it on in the locker room, you guys. Stop that.

how wild people sex Ha! This made me laugh so hard. How wild people sex? Do you want, like, a manual? And it could go different ways. Like, how WILD people sex, or how wild PEOPLE sex. This is a little conundrum, this one. Also, no idea how it got you here. I don’t know that I have an answer for you, either. How wild people sex? I would assume pretty wild, but not SO wild, maybe?

litotica nothing but the but t Nothing but the but! t! That space there makes this for me. I was all over giggles about this. People search a lot here for literotica. What’s funny is, I’ve never blogged about it, that I know of, and the only mention of it is in these search terms. It’s like a snake eating its own tail. (Also, this is “litotica” which is kind of funny and poorly-spelled.)

literotica mom and son alone in storm EW EW EW NO. I think that mom and son would NOT GET UP TO NAUGHTYTIMES. Seriously, just when I think people can’t weird me out more, things like this happen. Although the storm was a creative little touch. Adds some urgency to this incestuous mess.

sex, women wee wee inadvertently If you can’t say “urinate” you can’t have sex. I just made this rule and I stand by it. Also, it’s called female ejaculation, and it’s not urine, you troglodyte.

sextoysyo dot com SEXTOYSYO! Listen, if I ever need to purchase some sex toys, I’m so buying them here. It’s like this site is made for me.

sexy zebra sleep room Sexy zebra? Like, is the zebra wearing a peignoir? This is very strange. I know some people think animal prints are sexy. I find them to be trying too hard. You know what’s sexy? NOT TRYING TOO HARD.

SEXY ZEBRA! Does it worry you that this is actually a thing? Worries me, a little.

SEXY ZEBRA! Does it worry you that this is actually a thing? Worries me, a little.

Well! I am…pleased for you?

i am so busy doing nothing I am never busy doing nothing. I wish I was. I’m terrible at it. I want to do nothing, and then I realize I need to blog, or email, or a million other things. I am busy multitasking, for the most part. That’s usually what I’m busy doing.

Methinks the searcher doth protest too much

im not interested in love People say this a lot, but I’ve yet to meet someone who really means it. If love showed up for someone who’s said such a thing, they’d accept it. It’s easy to say you’re not interested in it, especially when it seems everyone has it but you, but it’s a very human thing, to want love, to want to give love in return. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign you have a heartbeat. Embrace it, darling.

Yeah, sometimes, I suppose.

life plays a cruel game It does seem like this, doesn’t it? Life is sometimes terrible. And it sometimes seems like it’s all out to get you. We’ve all had those days (hell, or weeks, or months) where it seems like everything’s piling up against you. But life’s not playing a cruel game. It’s just the way things are. There are highs and lows, and your high will come. Promise. Life swings around. That’s one of the things I’ve learned over the years: things tend to balance out, eventually. Just stick to it.

Oh, well this is appetizing.

log bologna meat Nothing I like more than calling my food a log. YUM.

I beg to differ.

no such thing as too much tequila Oh, yes there is. There SO is. Also, a tequila hangover is a bad one. I’m unfortunately one of those people who can rate hangovers by the alcohol consumed, and a tequila hangover’s not quite as bad as a champagne hangover (that one rated the worst ever in my book) but it’s nasty. It’s a nasty, greasy, disgusting hangover and you’re all “NEVER AGAIN” until the siren song of MORE TEQUILA happens. Take this from someone who used to be in a very serious relationship with José Cuervo, please. He’s a terribly abusive boyfriend.

See? Even this weird old band knows about this.

See? Even this weird old band knows about this.

Aw! This is flattering!

please write me a notification for my birth day I don’t know you, or when your birthday is, or I’d do this. I love birthdays. And I love that you wanted me to remember you on it. Pretend I did, ok? BEEP BEEP IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY! HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS TO YOU, STRANGER!

All of them? I think all of them.

plus womens department stores that will sell to crossdressers You’re not going to find too many stores that turn away business. I suppose really snotty stores might go all Pretty Woman on you and sneer, but mostly, the point of stores is, they want you to spend your money there, because it’s how they stay in business. And listen, when I worked at the plus sized clothing store in college, I LOVED when men would come in and shop. They were so nice, and would model things for me and we’d talk and chat and laugh and I always looked forward to them coming in. So I suppose if larger stores are snotty, go to smaller ones? I’d also assume stores in larger cities would be more accepting than stores in smaller towns, but that’s just a guess.

Are you hinting that Dumbcat should have his own blog?

siamese lynx point blog Sometimes Dumbcat guest blogs here, but he could never keep up his own blog. He’s too busy sleeping, licking himself, eating treats, and making weird meows because he misses me when I leave for five seconds and he hasn’t seen me. I think this might be as CLOSE to a Siamese Lynx Point blog as you’ll find, though. What a claim to fame! I’m really pleased by this.

Whew! There you go, January, I kicked YOUR butt all over town. In celebration, here is the best thing on the internet today.

LOWL! I want to hug this owl, providing he didn't peck out my eyes.

LOWL! I want to hug this owl, providing he didn’t peck out my eyes.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

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