Tag Archives: science

How to make your Science Fellow feel better when he has the killer zombie Finnish death flu

Our most excellent Science Fellow Andreas has been down with the killer zombie Finnish death flu for a few days and it is the worst. I worry about such things. He told me today he was feeling better, but also that he Googled his symptoms and Google helpfully informed him he had the Bubonic Plague. Well! THAT’S not good. I would not like it in the least if something bad were to happen to my Science Fellow who also happens to be one of my closest friends. Especially not the Bubonic Plague, because the interweb tells me that when you get that, you get gangrene, seizures, extremely swollen lymph glands (sometimes in your GROIN, oh, no thanks), “continuous vomiting of blood” (WTF NO NO) and black dots scattered all over your body for some strange reason. No, I don’t think I want those things for Andreas. Or many people I know, actually. Note I didn’t say EVERYONE I know. There are a few select people that could use a little gangrene and blood-gacking. I know I should be more forgiving. I promise they really deserve it, if that helps at all.

So, what could we do from a distance to make our Andreas feel better? It’s tough, because Finland is FAR, you guys. Like, when I’m getting ready to go to bed most nights, Andreas is just getting up. I know I’ve stayed up too late if I stay up to say more than “Good morning, good night” to Andreas. So how can we send a virtual get-well card to Andreas? Because he and I have a date to talk with our faces tonight on the internet and if he’s dying of the Bubonic Plague I don’t think that’s going to happen, you know?


I can’t think of any way to cheer Andreas up more. Except if he really has the Bubonic Plague. If he really has the Bubonic Plague, no amount of sciency posts are going to fix that shit, yo. Andreas, please don’t have the Bubonic Plague, I would be lost without you.

In honor of Andreas, here is a most excellent post I found about the top ten newly discovered species. Do you find it so exciting that they are still discovering new species all the time? I do. I think that’s kind of awesome. I mean, we’re killing off species left and right, but dammit, new species are still happening. That’s amazing to me.

Apparently, there’s a thing called the “International Institute for Species Exploration” at Arizona State University. Well, you know it must be good if it’s at ASU, because ASU is in Phoenix. You know who else is in Phoenix? BFF IS!!! So that’s why this institute must be awesome.

So this institute, every year, picks out the top ten best newly-discovered species and then SHARES THEM WITH THE WORLD! Thank you, ASU, the last thing I heard about you was that you were totally a party school so I’m glad you’re crackin’ down on the science tip, yo.

So, without further ado, here are Arizona State University’s top ten newly-discovered species. Well, not all ten, because some are totally boring, but at least three or four. SORRY! I shouldn’t say things are boring. But what the hell would I say about some pretty new plant? If you want to see the new plant, you can click on that link up there. ANYWAY! Are we so excited? YES WE ARE! Andreas, are you feeling better already just imagining all the fun we’re going to have?

This is a lyre sponge! It lives at the bottom of the sea. What sea? I don’t know, a deep one, I think. I know what you’re thinking. “AMY THIS IS BORING.” Well! Shows what you know, Slappy! This sponge is CARNIVOROUS! OK, fine, it only carnivorates (shut up, I just made that a word just now, I can do things like that if I want) plankton, but still, that’s kind of badass, for a sponge. I mean, you wash your dishes with sponges, and this one is A MURDERER (of plankton)!

OMG THE TINIES FROG IN ALL THE LAND YOU GUYS! Look, he’s on a DIME! His fancy scientific name is Paedophryne amanuensis. He lives in New Guinea. It is the smallest living vertebrate! EVER! Aw, I want like a whole aquarium of these, I love them so much! I feel like this very small frog might be my spirit animal.

You guys, this is a glow-in-the-dark cockroach. A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK COCKROACH. I can’t tell if this a very good idea or the scariest thing to ever happen. Like, once? I lived in a house that was overrun with roaches and it’s the worst place I’ve ever lived and I still have the shivers when I think about it because when I woke up in the morning and I’d turn on the light you’d see a billion roaches running for cover and you just kind of sat for a moment and thought about the turn your life had taken, you living in a place where you were outnumbered by vermin? So would it be good if the roaches glowed in the dark so you had some warning? Or would it be terrible, because when you were trying to sleep, you could see them creeping closer and closer to your bed because the one thing they wanted more than anything was to get under the covers with you and that thought kept you up at night?

This cockroach lived around a volcano site and scientists aren’t sure if it’s even in existence anymore. I find it sad that something was discovered that might already be extinct.

Also, I think this cockroach looks like Wall-E’s girlfriend Eve.

Except of course much more creepy and liable to make me get the shivers and run out into the snow with only sandals on in disgust from all those damn cockroaches. Sorry. Flashback. Carry on.

OK, you know I have monkey-phobia, right? This monkey scares me. But also is kind of intriguing.

Put your hands over the top of its head and the bottom of its face so just its eyes are showing. THIS IS LIKE A MONKEY WITH HUMAN EYES. That’s why it’s scary. It’s like a science experiment gone wrong. Also, its face is really long so it looks kind of doleful and a little pensive so I feel kind of sad for it.

This is a lesula monkey and it lives in the Congo. Also it has a bright blue bum, which makes me laugh. I like that he looks like a science teacher in the front and he’s all partytime in the back.

Andreas! There are four very interesting new species for you. And more if you click the link but those things were plants and bugs and such.

And as a special added bonus thing just for you and only because you’re sick and I know you love them:

A blue-ringed octopus! When it is threatened, the blue rings light up! They are only the size of a golf ball but they carry some of the most deadly venom on the planet! ON THE WHOLE PLANET!

Feel better, Andreas. You are my most favorite species. I hope I get to see your face on the interwebs tonight and that you are not constantly vomiting blood. If you are, let’s reschedule our chat tonight, ok? Cool. Thanks.

Trying to sloth and failing most miserably

I’m super-lazy this weekend. Well, you’re reading this Monday. So I suppose that should be past-tense. I WAS super-lazy this weekend. I just wanted to sit on the couch and do nothing at all. Which is foolish because it is SPRING and I should want to be FROLICKING but mostly I just wanted to be SLOTHING. What, that’s totally a verb. Right? Well, if it’s not, it is now. SLOTHING!

But I totally went to work and did the work-thing and I went to a play on Sunday because even though you WANT to be slothing, you probably can’t really sloth. I mean, you could, but then you’d feel terrible about yourself for having slothed when you could have gone out and done things.

So at work on Saturday, the following thing happened:

A person called the maintenance line of their apartment complex to complain that a bird had gotten into the laundry room, and they needed it removed immediately, because they were afraid they would catch rabies from it. From a bird. Rabies from a BIRD. I did not take this call, but I saw this call because I was in charge of reviewing all the calls for a while. That’s a thing I have to do sometimes. Mostly it means I have to correct people’s grammar and spelling and make sure that calls that should be paged out are paged out, and that calls are being paged to the correct person on call. Fancy, right? Right. ANYWAY, when I saw that one I laughed until I snorted and then wrote Andreas the following note so I would remember to tell him about the bird when I got home:

Because I knew Andreas, who is very sciency, would find a rabid bird both hilarious and very sad. And he did.

Also, someone called a pest-control line and asked how they could go about adopting from us, and I said, “Did you want to adopt ants or bees?” and she was all, “No, a puppy” and I said, “We don’t have puppies? Just ants? And bees? And sometimes armadillos, and raccoons.” And she was not pleased with this. It was like she thought I was lying to her. Why would you think a pest control company would have puppies? That seems like faulty logic to me. As puppies aren’t pests, really. Well, I suppose if they are chewing on your shoes that’s a little pesty, but not enough to call a pest control company. Sheesh.

I'm not a pest!  Look at my cute FACE! I am a PUPPY!

I’m not a pest! Look at my cute FACE! I am a PUPPY!

Then today (MY today, YOUR yesterday) I tried to sleep in (FAIL) and then lazed around most prestigiously until it was time to go to the theater. It was so windy today I probably could have opened an umbrella and it would have carried me all the way to Schenectady. ECONOMICAL AND ECOFRIENDLY!

The play was quite good. I was glad I got up off the couch. It had a lot of layers. Sometimes I don’t want to think when I go to the theater and I just want things to be pretty and fluffy and sometimes I want to sink my teeth into something. It was a sink-my-teeth sort of day, and the play delivered. It had racism and activism and making changes in the world and people who changed over the course of the action and suspense and drama. All good things. And people I loved – friend P., who is always brilliant, and M., who I’ve worked with a few times and gets better every time I see him, which makes me so happy.  I love to see an actor grow and evolve. It shows they’re paying attention and it shows they love what they do. And there were a lot of people I hadn’t seen onstage before, two of whom were absolutely amazing and I hope to see them again. (One was 18. EIGHTEEN! And WONDERFUL! He cried onstage. Effortlessly. That’s a talent, right there. ADULTS have problems with that. Nope. Like it wasn’t even a thing. WHOA. I expect great things from this kid.)

And now I’m being a sloth again. SLOTHING! It is a slothful weekend. This week I have things to do like review a musical (and hang out with friend K., who is a DIFFERENT friend K. than I usually talk about, I know, am I just the most social? The answer to that is NO, but anyway, friend K. is coming to the show with me and I think we are having dinner beforehand, which will be nice, because I don’t know that we’ve ever hung out outside of the theater before, and as we all know, this is YEAR OF TRYING NEW THINGS!, so it will be exciting and fun.) I think that’s all I have this week? I don’t have my social butterfly calendar in front of me. That’s at work.

This is more me. I'm more of an antisocial moth.

This is more me. I’m more of an antisocial moth.

ALSO, it is less than a month to trip-to-Baltimore time! This is very exciting. I should start thinking about this more. What will I wear? What will we do? What will I bring? How much can I get away with playing on the floor with Baby CeeVee without looking like a total lunatic, because I TOTALLY want to roll around with her on the floor and make her laugh and laugh! I am shameless about baby laughter. It makes me the happiest. I will make ALL the faces for baby laughter. Every last one! Baby CeeVee, we are going to be the best of friends, I just know it!

It is now time for Game of Thrones, which will cap off my weekend of slothing, which, if you look at it, was not all that slothy, was it? Dammit. I’m terrible at slothing. I need to take lessons or something. Slothing lessons! Where the highest-graded student does the least amount of work! SLOTHING!

Oh, and bonus Dad-story: he had a bunch of people over at his mirrory condo a few days ago for a going-away party. (Not RANDOM people. My cousins and their children. They’d been visiting for a week or so.) So there were five little children in his condo. I asked him the next day how it went.

“I had to vaccuum for an hour and a half today,” he said, in a very dire tone. “The place was RIDDLED with crumbs. UTTERLY RIDDLED. Did you know wherever children go, THEY DROP CRUMBS? So. Many. Crumbs. Amy.”

Just riddled. UTTERLY riddled.

Just riddled. UTTERLY riddled.

RIDDLED with crumbs has made me laugh for days. Just utterly riddled. However did he raise two children without going insane? With ALL THOSE CRUMBS being dropped and all? Poor Dad, such a tormented soul.

Also, today is Amy’s grandmother’s birthday. She is 86. Isn’t that a wonderful age? Yes, it is. She is funny and sassy and full of delightful stories that are quite often gossipy and cussy. Happy birthday, Amy’s grandmother! I hope you have the best 86th year anyone has ever had. (It is also Hugh Hefner’s 86th birthday. I like to pretend they are birthday twins, because it makes me giggle with glee. They have SO MUCH IN COMMON. Heh.)

Happy week, all. I wish you all much slothery. Remember, the winner of the slothing game is the one who does the LEAST. Best of luck!

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