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Tag Archives: retreat

Things you (accidentally) learn at a work retreat

I am home from retreating. Sometimes, the best part of going away is coming home. I am comfy on my couch with a VERY relieved Dumbcat hugging my leg in a very “ZOMG DO NOT EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN, MOM” way and DUDE, I was only gone for 28 hours, YOU CAN HANDLE THIS. Silly boy. I’m predicting a night of the cat sleeping wrapped around my face like one of those facehugger alien thingies, only furrier and a lot more likely to give me hairballs.

This would work for a cat, right?

This would work for a cat, right?

Things I learned at the retreat:

  • I am terrible at retreats
  • At one point, I was the person in a group with the “weirdest hobby” and that hobby was writing, which I guess is weird
  • Huh, I had no idea that was weird
  • I guess I’ve been weird for a really, really long time
  • Like, longer than I even KNEW I was weird
  • People really, really dig free alcohol at work functions
  • Like, more than you could possibly imagine
  • I’m completely serious, as in, to the point of falling and vomiting and screaming until 3am
  • It is very hard to sleep when the walls of your hotel room are thin and people are drunk-screaming til 3am
  • You can take a shower, but you still hear the screaming over the shower water
  • Even though I am terrible at work retreats, my team still won “most creative presentation” and I totally won team MVP
  • Are you cheering for me right now? Maybe you didn’t hear me. I WAS VOTED TEAM MVP. This is super-impressive, right? Right.
  • There were improv games, but no trust falls
  • Although people did fall, but because of drunkenness, not trustfulness, although I suppose drunkenness is a KIND of trustfulness
  • The food was supposed to be award-winning, but we wondered if the prize it won was the booby prize
  • Except the desserts, the desserts rocked our worlds like hardcore
  • If you watch Silver Linings Playbook because you don’t want to go to the drunken bacchanal bonfire you will cry all over your face
  • Seriously, how is Jennifer Lawrence so damn luminescent
  • Also, Bradley Cooper has the prettiest eyes ever
  • Once you’ve cried all over your face and you leave your room people think you’ve been having a nervous breakdown
  • Just ignore them, they’re all drunk anyway
  • And then the next day when they’re all green and swaying in the breakfast room you can eat your bacon all obnoxiously to see if you can make them vomit
  • Because secretly you are kind of evil
  • And that’s really ok
  • Because, as mentioned, it is obnoxious to keep people up until 3am by screaming in the lobby
  • Especially when you are at a work retreat and not at Cabo on Spring Break
  • The food for our final meal was bean quesadillas and bean soup and slaw and those are all heavily geared toward gas production so we decided to skip lunch because that’d be one long car-ride of farty
  • I’m telling you, people. FARTY. No one likes that.

These are all important things to have learned, right? What’s that? They’re not what I was there to learn?

Oh. Crap.

Sorry, work retreat.

SORRY.

I am totally the worst.

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Retreat! Retreat!

I am off for a most grand adventure today. Or maybe something terrible. Time will tell, I suppose.

A couple months ago, my office decided that the employees deserved to go on a company retreat like the directors go on every now and then. So it was announced that we would go on a totally volunteer-basis company retreat in the fall.

If you GO on this retreat, you get to go to a conference center in the woods, by a lake, in the mountains. Andreas informed me this is likely where one is indoctrinated into a cult, but he warned me too late. I had already signed up.

Pretty, yeah? Are those cult members I see in the distance?

Pretty, yeah? Are those cult members I see in the distance?

See, if you go, you don’t have to get there until 11am the first day, and then you get to leave at noon the second day, AND THEY PAY YOU FOR BOTH DAYS. Like, they pay you the WHOLE DAY’S WAGES for both days. Plus, I like the woods and lakes and mountains. And there’s an award-winning restaurant on premises that feeds us. And we get to stay in a hotel room, and I’m totally obsessed with hotel rooms because crisp sheets and little shampoos and I feel like I’m fancy. (No joke; when people I love travel, they know to send me photos of their hotel rooms. I am completely enamored with hotel rooms. When I was little, that was my best part of taking family trips. Also, I used to be obsessed with vending machines. Dad knew to bring all the change because the first thing we did after I checked out every inch of the hotel room was go to the vending machine and look at ALL THAT SNACK FOOD and then pick some out and watch it drop down and giggle and giggle. Dad actually asked me when I told him about this trip, “Do you think there will be a vending machine? Make sure you bring some change.” I had to sadly tell him that vending machines have lost their appeal for me as I got older and there were vending machines all over the place and they weren’t as white-whaley as they were when I was a little girl. As you can see by this aside, I have always been easily charmed by small, stupid things.)

So soon I will hit the road and meet friend A. and we will make the long drive to the mountains and start retreating.

Things they had better not do at this retreat:

TRUST FALLS (I don’t trust anyone enough to fall backward and assume they’ll catch me)

IMPROV GAMES (had my fill of those in college theater classes, thanks)

BONDING EXERCISES WHERE YOU TELL SECRETS (nope, my secrets go to the grave with me)

ANYTHING WHERE I AM PUT ON THE SPOT AND EXPECTED TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING BRILLIANT (I get brain freeze and can’t perform under pressure like that…probably I need company-retreat Viagra)

We were also promised a bonfire and smores at one point, which I may or may not participate in. It’s cold here. I don’t know that I want to hang out in the wilderness all chilly. There was also the rumor of much free alcohol. If people think getting drunk with coworkers is a good idea, they are wrong. Why do people always think that’s a good idea? It is not. They are foolish to think it is. The only thing that leads to is weird looks in the copyroom the next day, yo. Get your shit together.

Per this photo, we may also do ghost hunting. What is HAPPENING here? Good grief.

Per this photo, we may also do ghost hunting. What is HAPPENING here? Good grief.

I’m totally bringing all the technology because I checked the website and the place has wifi and if things get weird I’m going to be all “cough cough need to get some sleep not feeling well” and head to my room and play around on the interwebs. I can only be social for so long.

If you never hear from me again, just assume I’ve been eaten by a bear. Or that no one caught me when we did that damn trust fall and they put my body in the lake.


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