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Tag Archives: random

Let it snow. Just not THIS much. I know, I’m really picky.

Just a quick update. I am not dead; I am still coughing up a lung and my nose is running, like, a LOT, but otherwise? I think I might be on the mend. Maybe. Seems everyone’s got some sort of crud right now; I’m not alone in my sick nasty suffering.

I learned a very smart thing in that I could not sleep for days, and one night I totally ragequit my bed and decided to sleep on my couch and it worked like a CHARM and I couldn’t figure out why, until I figured out that I was weirdly propped up on a bunch of pillows and maybe THAT had helped with all the coughing, so I put a billion photos on my bed and the next night I slept MUCH better. So apparently the tuberculosis or whatever I’ve come down with likes me to sleep at a weird upright angle. I WIN, TUBERCULOSIS OR WHATEVER YOU ARE!

Also, if you live in New York or the northeast area, you may or may not have woken up to THIS on Sunday morning:

HOLY COW!

We totally got a foot of snow over a 24-hour period. I was at work on Saturday and the drive home from work was NO BUENO. But that was only a few inches of snow; when I woke up the next morning, we’d gotten probably 9 MORE inches. And I had to dig out from it. Which took about an hour. A sweaty, terrible hour, in which I wondered how I had been sent to a Soviet work camp. But I got my poor car unburied and moved it to an empty spot that had been cleared and then went back in and collapsed on the couch and went pant, pant, pant while my jeans dripped melty snow on the floor.

Ha! Yes. Shoveling snow ALWAYS looks this dapper!

Ha! Yes. Shoveling snow ALWAYS looks this dapper!

I love you, New York! I don’t want to leave you! But oh, that was a lot of snow! And I am not much of one for manual labor, hence me working in a cushy office job!

(I did giggle a little watching people get stuck. The problem is that people didn’t think they had to shovel MUCH snow to get their car out of the spots. The main areas had been plowed, but you had to clean out, like, behind your tires and such. Or your tires would spin and spin. And people were being lazy, and thought, “I will just clean away a LITTLE snow!” and then they totally got stuck and were all “WHIRRRR!” and stuck. It was their own damn fault. I wouldn’t have laughed otherwise, promise. I was the MOST anal about shoveling all the snow away from my car, because once I got stuck and it was the worst, and who’s going to help me get out, Dumbcat? I think not.)

Christmas is almost done; I am currently waiting on ONE GIFT and I can mail everything out and will be FINISHED. (Hurry up, one gift!) Some people have gotten their gifts already and I had many grins getting messages from people who’ve received things this weekend. I have a pile of gifts for Mom and Dad and the extended family that I will give to Mom and Dad when they visit next week, and they will give ME gifts, and I will save them to open on Christmas day so I don’t feel so bad about being that sad lonely person on Christmas. AND, The Nephew’s mom invited me to her house for Christmas brunch, so I get to give him his gifts in person, and see him on Christmas day! That was a happy unexpected surprise. I love that I get to spend a few hours with family on Christmas day that I wasn’t expecting. That makes me so joyous.

Shh, don't tell him, but I bought him a remote-control plane. He's going to flip.

Shh, don’t tell him, but I bought him a remote-control plane. He’s going to flip.

I am so pleased with Christmas this year. I’m so happy I was able to get it all together and make Christmas happen after the nightmare that was last year’s non-Christmas. And Christmas is only ten days away! Huzzah!

(And shh, I totally bought MYSELF some gifts; I think that’s allowed. Some new clothes, and shoes, and some various accessories. Sometimes you need to treat yourself just a LITTLE. Plus I needed some new clothes. Don’t we all? Sometimes?)

Also, aren't these the CUTEST, and they were 50% off! I HAD TO HAVE THEM!

Also, aren’t these the CUTEST, and they were 50% off! I HAD TO HAVE THEM!

I know I keep telling you more posts are coming, and they really are, I promise; they’re being worked on in draft form as we speak. There has been some posting going on on my review blog, if you’re so inclined. I haven’t disappeared. I’ve just got a million irons in the fire right now, I guess. Oh, and maybe also tuberculosis.

Hope your Decembers are all going well and you’re staying warm and dry and such. I’ll be back soon. You won’t even notice I’m gone. Promise!

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I have not been kidnapped by pirates. I promise.

This is a brief check-in so you don’t think I’m dead.

*checks*

Nope, not dead.

Maybe MOSTLY dead. But not all the way!

Maybe MOSTLY dead. But not all the way!

It’s a busy couple of weeks here, which just kicked off on Thursday. I might be running around like a crazyperson until mid-October, so I can’t plan anything (including blogging, sadly.) They’re all good things, and fun things, and things I’m very much looking forward to, but there are a LOT of things.

So, this past week, I reviewed a show (and had a very nice dinner with my friend K., in which we caught up and laughed and ate and solved all the world’s problems. YOU ARE WELCOME, WORLD. Expect my invoice in the mail in the next 2-4 weeks.) The paper I write for is still having technical difficulties, so you can read my review for free. I saw Les Mis. It wasn’t a flawless production (but it wasn’t the worst production I’ve ever seen, either…so not a complete waste of time. I do so enjoy “On My Own.” And hearing “to love another person is to see the face of God” always gives me chills.)

Then Friday, Cousin S. came to visit! We had a weekend of ADVENTURE and TALKING and MORE ADVENTURE. We ate all the food (sushi and popcorn and Cheesecake Factory and waffles!) and toured Albany and saw a movie (Don Jon, which was really very good, if you like naughtiness and Joseph Gordon Levitt, both of which we do) and I introduced her to Veronica Mars (which she loved, yay! Excellent taste, that woman. It must be hereditary.) And we talked and talked and talked. We had many years of talking to catch up with. I think we did that admirably. Then, after she left, I took a three-hour nap. WHO DOES SUCH A THING. It was not planned to be that long. I had a headache and I was like, let’s just curl up for a bit, see if we can get this to back off! and then the next thing I knew, it was dinnertime. What the hell?

I don't like cheesecake. I got this thing called Blackout Cake. One slice was the size of my damn head. I could not even finish it. True story.

I don’t like cheesecake. I got this thing called Blackout Cake. One slice was the size of my damn head. I could not even finish it. True story.

And ALSO, this weekend, I was Freshly Pressed for the second (I KNOW!) time! So the phone went off and off and OFF with comments and likes and reblogs and such and Cousin S. was like YOUR PHONE! IT IS BLOWING UP! and I was like, yes, blogging, it is a strange and demanding mistress. The WordPress people contacted me on Monday to tell me they were Freshly Pressing the blog I wrote last week about meeting up with Josh last weekend, and I could not have been more pleased. What a great post to choose, and what an honor for them to choose me again. So! Some of you are most likely new people. Hello, new people! I am so pleased you are here. Please always feel free to comment, and if you are confused and would like to know what the hell’s going on here (I don’t know what’s going on here a lot of the time, to be honest) you can check out my About page, or the Frequently Asked Questions page. And just a warning, usually I’m goofy. SOMETIMES I’m serious, but seriously, usually I’m very random and goofy. So if you hate such things, no harm, no foul, I suppose.

VERY EXCITING!

VERY EXCITING!

This week is INSANE. I’m seeing three plays (and reviewing two), going to dinner with friends, working 6 days, getting a haircut, bringing the car to the garage because I think it’s about to die, and Mom and Dad are coming to visit because I AM ALMOST A YEAR OLDER. Yes! It is true! With the advent of October, it is almost AMY-MONTH! Shush, I totally get a whole month, don’t you get a whole month when it’s YOUR birthday? Well, if you don’t, you should, sheesh. We are officially 8 days from my birthday. This year I sadly have to work on my birthday, because later in the week I’ll be taking six days off to take a trip to Virginia! IT IS ALMOST VIRGINIA-TIME!!!

BIRTHDAY MONTH!!!

BIRTHDAY MONTH!!!

Now it is bedtime, because I have a Stephen King book that is crying out “Amy! READ ME!” and you know, I kind of want to do that. This is the longest I’ve gone without having my nose stuck in a new Stephen King book in my whole LIFE. If I don’t hurry up, I just know some internet asshat is going to spoil it for me, and then I will have to go POSTAL on them and who wants THAT to happen? No one. I mean, sincerely.

Happy Monday, all. I hope your weekends were full of adventure and mystery and wonder and joy. If they weren’t, there’s always next weekend, right? Right.


This week, I didn’t go to Oz, but I did go bowling, so…win, I guess?

It’s been quite a week, right? I don’t know what’s been going on in your part of the world, but here, it’s UTTER CRAZYTOWN.

So this week kind of kicked my ass six different ways, and then a seventh for good measure. SO MUCH ASS-KICKERY. But now it is the weekend. Well, kind of the weekend. I still have one more day of work and THEN I get my one day off. Watch out, one day off! I’m coming for you!

So here was my week in a nutshell. Ready for the craziness? I know you are. It’s going to be the most exciting.

So at the beginning of the week, I had TWO FULL DAYS OFF! I spent one of those two days cleaning the house. Not JUST cleaning. DEEP-cleaning. SEVEN FULL HOURS of cleaning. I threw away – are you ready for this? – SEVEN BAGS OF GARBAGE. Don’t ask too many questions about how exactly I had seven full bags of garbage in a very small place. NO, I am not a hoarder. I just haven’t done a huge purge in a while. Sometimes you just need to get rid of shit, you know?

Casualities in the great cleaning of 2013 = my lava lamp, which FLEW OFF THE TABLE and COMMITTED SUICIDE ON THE RUG (or maybe I smacked it with my hip, I never said I was graceful) and then all the lava juice started leaking out and I don’t know if that’s poison or not, so I had to throw it away. Sigh. Goodbye, purple lava lamp, you were just too cool for me. Also, I blew up my brand-new vaccuum, but my mom assures me that I didn’t really blow it up, I just probably clogged up the filters and I need to clean them and all will be well. I did find one of my favorite necklaces that I thought was lost to the ages; I didn’t, however, find a missing letter that I’ve been looking for, which was disheartening. Who knows where that ended up. Dumbcat hid for most of the day because there was just too much going on for him and things smelled like citrus. He HATES things that smell like citrus. Citrus makes him make cranky faces. Once I was done and he realized I’d found a lot of his favorite toys under the couch, though, he was VERY pleased. (And randomly, today, he somehow found a way to put one of those toys on the bookcase? I have no idea how he got that there. It was a feat of wonder.)

Then the OTHER day off, I did NOTHING. Well, no. I did lots of things, but they were all very relaxy. I wrote, I read, I watched television, I played on the internet, I ate a lot of popsicles. Oh, and also snowcones. I totally bought a snowcone maker. SUMMER YOU WILL NOT CONQUER ME THIS YEAR! Well, no. It’s not really a snowcone maker. It’s a shaved ice maker. Which is LIKE a snowcone maker only the ice is a lot finer. And I got delicious snowcone juice. But I think snowcone juice makers need to step it up for those of us who want things that are sugar-free because we don’t just want cherry and fruit punch flavors. I randomly found a blue raspberry flavor at Bed Bath and Beyond but SERIOUSLY, people, there are a BILLION flavors that are sugary, GET WITH IT, YO.

Seriously, best purchase ever.

Seriously, best purchase ever.

Anyway, my shaved ice maker is the best thing ever. It makes a gigantic bowl of shaved ice and then you dump all the flavoring over it and it is the MOST DELICIOUS and also the most cooling. It was a very good purchase. I don’t regret it in the least.

(Oh, I was shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond because I had to buy a bridal shower gift. Were you aware that when someone gets married you get them a shower gift AND a wedding gift? This is the best scam ever. I’m going to marry Dumbcat just for the gifts. Can I do that? You guys will give me gifts, right? TWO TIMES THE GIFTS? Anyway, I bought a good shower gift and then also bought myself some things like snowcone juice and a new Pyrex measuring cup since I dropped mine in the sink and glass went EVERYWHERE and I’m still finding it in random places and I go to use it at least once a week and curse the day I was born clumsy.)

Oh, measuring cup, I miss you. Why are you so shattery?

Oh, measuring cup, I miss you. Why are you so shattery?

OK, so anyway, then the week happened. Work was busy, blah blah blah, and there’s this thing happening that I can’t talk about because chicken-counting so I’ll just say it’s a thing that’s equal parts scary and exciting and leave it at that, and if you want to cross your fingers for me, or whatever you do to pass along the good vibes, it’d be appreciated.

THEN, ready for this? I don’t know if you are, because it’s terrible-awesome-scary.

WE HAD TWO TORNADOES!

Real photo of a real tornado here! Whoo!

Real photo of a real tornado here! Whoo!

Is that really how the plural of tornado is spelled? Goodness, that looks terrible. But then again, so does “tornados” and the internet says either are right but both look like I’m illiterate.

On Wednesday, the weathermen started creaming themselves. First they were all “thunderstorms coming, y’all.” Then they were all “SEVERE thunderstorms!” Then they started running around like weirdos. “POSSIBLE FLASH FLOODS!” “ZOMG MAYBE A TORNADO!!!!”

I thought they were full of shit. We never get tornadoes.

We totally got TWO tornadoes.

I went grocery shopping – no rain. No thunder. Nothing. Bleh. Got home. Put away the groceries. Called Mom and Dad. Dad was all, “It’s raining there!” (Dad always believes the weather channel rather than me.) “No, it’s not, Dad,” I said. “IT SAYS IT IS!” said Dad. I assured him I was actually IN the weather and there was NO RAIN. He sounded skeptical.

Then. THEN! Out of NOWHERE! BAM WENT THE THUNDER! WHOOSH WENT THE WIND! My phone made the emergency broadcast noise and told me to STAY IN THE HOUSE FLASH FLOODS ARE A’COMIN’! (Phones do that? Good grief, that scared the bejeebers out of me.)

We had about 45 minutes or so of the craziest storm ever. The windows rattled. I planted some things and put them on the porch this past weekend and one of them just blew RIGHT off the porch and down onto the lawn. It was a casualty of FORCES OF NATURE! No strawberries from THAT pot! I forgot the window was open in the bedroom and when I ran in to close it the curtains were SOAKED! The power went on and off and on and off! Dumbcat freaked out and attached himself to my leg!

Then everything settled down and I ventured out onto the porch and everything was weirdly golden outside and some aluminum came off one of my neighbors’ buildings and hit their car but other than the flying pot of strawberries, all was well here.

However, we actually had two tornadoes in the area (one picked up a man and THREW HIM THREW THE WALL OF A BUILDING!) and so many trees were down and someone on Facebook reported (so take it with a grain of salt) 25,000 people were without power when it was done. On my drives to and from work the past couple of days, I’ve seen lines down, a ton of National Grid trucks, and, in one case, a tree in the middle of someone’s roof.

Look at this! Seriously, that was one whopper of a storm, you guys.

Look at this! Seriously, that was one whopper of a storm, you guys.

As long as I’m safe, I’m totally invigorated by crazy weather. And other than being afraid I was going to lose ALL my plants I’d just planted from my porch, I was safe. Dumbcat didn’t think he was, but he was. Silly boy. I will not let the twister take you to Oz.

Then, FINALLY, on Thursday night, the whole office (give or take half of the office) went bowling. I like bowling, but I’m not very good at it. Dad tried to teach me how to bowl when I was younger and he yelled “FOLLOW THROUGH!” so loud I got upset and left the bowling  alley and sat in the car until they were done. (Dad says, “You always say I was yelling at you. You just weren’t listening, so I had to talk LOUDLY.”)

FOLLOW THROUGH!!!

FOLLOW THROUGH!!!

I was, as expected, not very good. We bowled two…what are they called, sets? Frames? I don’t even know. There were four of us on the team and we got to bowl two complete times twice. Sets, I think, but I could be wrong. The first time I didn’t do terribly and got two strikes and two spares and then totally got to bowl in the special bonus round at the end. (“That’s just the tenth frame,” Dad said. “No, the special bonus round! No one else got to! Because I got a strike, I got to go again!” “Yes. That’s the TENTH FRAME, that’s how that WORKS,” said Dad. “Well, no one else got to do it. It was therefore a bonus, and SPECIAL,” I said. This made Dad laugh until he choked a little. Dad used to be in a league. He has awards and everything.) I ended up in second place with a 113 which I think is very respectable since I don’t know that I’ve ever broken 100 before. I tried to take a photo but the screen was too bright so it didn’t work. The SECOND time I apparently broke my arm and every time I bowled it went to the left and I got a 76 which I think is what kids get who need those bumpers in the gutters. I told Dad I lost that round to make everyone else feel better. He agreed that was very nice of me.

I was telling Dad about bowling and he got VERY upset. Why? Because of this.

Me: So the lanes tell you how fast you’re bowling.
Dad: What? No they don’t.
Me: Yes they do. The screen says how many miles per hour you’re throwing the ball. A. was the winner of that. He threw it 20 miles per hour.
Dad: Is that all? I think I could throw it MORE than that.
Me: OK. Anyway, he was all, “I want to beat my record!” so he had one pin standing, and he just PITCHED that ball, because he didn’t think he had any chance of knocking down that one pin anyway. And guess what happened?
Dad: I can’t even guess. He killed someone.
Me: That’s a very terrible guess.
Dad: I told you I couldn’t even guess.
Me: His ball went in the gutter at the very end, and then POPPED OUT and knocked down the pin. SPARE!
Dad: No, that doesn’t count. That’s not a spare. Once the ball goes in the gutter, you’re done. He cheated.
Me: No, it is. The computer said it was.
Dad: What computer? You brought a computer?
Me: NO, Dad. The computer over the LANE. That keeps SCORE for you.


Dad: Wait. Wait a minute. What? Something that keeps SCORE for you? No. YOU keep score. With a pencil and paper.
Me: Where would you even GET a pencil and paper?
Dad: They give it to you with the shoes.
Me: No, they just give you the shoes. This isn’t 1977. A computer keeps score for you now. You put your name in it and it tracks your score. No one even KNOWS how to keep score anymore.
Dad: I can’t believe this. I. CAN. NOT. BELIEVE. THIS. I am never bowling again. I would bring my own pencil and paper and keep score. This is RIDICULOUS.
Me: Dad, I don’t think anyone’s kept score for themselves since…well, the last time I kept score for myself was probably the early 90s. That’s like 20 years ago.
Dad: I can’t believe this. WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO?
Me: It’s the relentless march of progress. You can’t stop it. It even comes to bowling alleys. There are also strobe lights and they play Katy Perry songs while you bowl.
Dad: I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW. Who the hell is Katy Perry.

Now I am going to bed so I can deal with the billions of “MY AIR CONDITIONER IS BROKEN” and “WE HAVE NO POWER” calls I’m bound to get at work tomorrow. Happy Saturday, people of the bloggiverse. Hopefully you are somewhere a little cooler than here, where it is in the nineties. THE NINETIES. In MAY. Well, it’s June now, but it was in the nineties this week, and this week was May. I find this as upsetting as Dad finds computerized bowling.


Random things that made me laugh recently. And also a little queasy.

This weekend at work I laughed at a lot of things. Laughing still makes me cough a lot, so also I coughed a lot. It’s not really the best thing combination.

So on Saturdays, I work at the answering service. The job is not the most fun, but my coworkers mostly are the best. We get giggly over stupid shit. I think this is because we’re getting yelled at by the callers so much that we need to laugh where we can.

Today’s best typos:

Someone meant to say that the caller wanted a black plaque on the coffin they were ordering. However, some of my coworkers aren’t the best at spelling. So, instead of “include the black plaque” we got “include the black plague.”

OMG THE BLACK PLAGUE YOU GUYS.

Bring our your dead!

Bring our your dead!

And the worst part was it was on this place we answer for where you can order coffins and grave liners and things, so we totally got giggling because we were all “the black plague! Man, if the black plague was included, what a great day that would be for all the funeral directors! BUSINESS WOULD BE BOOMING!”

Then, someone meant to write “the individuals” but didn’t double-check her message so when I got it, it said “teh individualos.”

Say that out loud. Doesn’t it sound so Spanish and debonair? TEH INDIVIDUALOS!

So we kept saying things like “teh individualos, Señor! Beware teh individualos!” in a thick faux-Spanish accent.

THEN, someone spelled Albuquerque as Albuquercue like it was barbecue, so we were saying that in all the different ways. Mine was Al-be-ker-koo. With a very long oooooo sound at the end. We were all going to take a road trip to Albuquercue to avoid the black plague and also to avoid teh individualos. Those nefarious individualos.

Albuquercue is FILLED with all teh nefarious individualos.

Albuquercue is FILLED with all teh nefarious individualos.

And THEN, right before I left, a caller called in and started complaining that his air conditioner didn’t work, and he was looking for a part. What part? His “compacitor.” Listen, he was REALLY serious about this. No, not his capacitor. No, not his compressor. His compacitor. Which I just Googled and it does not exist. DOES. NOT. EXIST. But a lot of people on the Googles THINK it exists, because they cannot spell. ANYWAY, so after the compacitor guy called, we were all “the FLUX COMPACITOR!” and “1.21 gigawatts!” and “we’re going BACK…to the FUTURE!” and if you think we’re not a., having a good time at the answering service, and b., laughing at the douchebag callers who think compacitors are a thing, you are doubly wrong, my little lemon tarts.

This is CLEARLY spelled wrong. It's COMpacitor, bub.

This is CLEARLY spelled wrong. It’s COMpacitor, bub.

Then I went to the theater and was a very good house manager and made people laugh and tore their tickets with FLAIR. It’s like a little added show, only you don’t even have to pay for that part. Nice, right? Seriously, I was on fire, yo. Actually, no. I was on the OPPOSITE of fire, because my fever is totally gone and all I have is a cough now and sometimes my nose runs randomly the most and I have to run and find a Kleenex and not all Kleenex are the best and some are scratchy and my nose is all sore right now, you know. STUPID COLD.

Then I was watching television and a commercial for this product came on:

This is a beer product that is also a malt beverage like a wine cooler and tastes like a margarita. I can’t…is there anything in the whole entire world, including organ meat, that sounds less appealing than this? Are people buying this? Like, to actually drink it and not use it to mock, or strip paint?

According to this review, they don’t taste like beer (which is what was the most confusing to me, because the commercial kept saying they had beer in them WHY WOULD I WANT BEER IN MY MARGARITA) but they DO taste REPULSIVE which is not at all surprising to me. They are malt beverages. I have not yet met a malt beverage that doesn’t give me a headache with the scent alone.

Listen, back when I did such things, my steady boyfriend was José Cuervo. I pretty much lived on tequila and tequila-based beverages. It got to the point where all I’d do was splash the tiniest amount of margarita mix in the big old glass of tequila, but still. It was KIND of a margarita. In spirit, anyway. Ha! Spirit. Get it?

José and I had a breakup many years ago, and we only have flirtations every now and then, which leave me feeling guilty and kind of disgusting. Damn you, José. You and your seductive bedroom eyes.

But even though I’m no longer a margarita connoisseur, I am fairly sure these fake margaritas in a can that seem to have beer in them would not be good. Not at all good. Terrible. Vomitorious. There were totally a zillion commercials on for them the other night, though. That’s why I don’t watch a lot of live TV. You can’t avoid the commercials.

My verdict: don’t drink these things. And if you do, don’t you even come crying to me, because I totally told you so.

This is kind of short but I’m sleepy. Listen, I had a FOUR HOUR TRAINING SEMINAR today. Four hours. And it was one of those seminars where they MAKE YOU PARTICIPATE. Here’s my take on forced participation: I’ll participate if I want to, but the minute you tell me I HAVE to, I clam right up. It makes me nervous when it’s not on my own terms. There was a lot of shit in that four hours that wasn’t on my terms, yo. But I did get to make a poster. I do so like making posters. That’s my jam.

Here’s to things randomly cracking you up today. But not things making you THROW up, and I’m fairly sure that malt beverage thingy would do just that. Blergh.


Adventures, new ventures, and past ventures. Many ventures. All the venturing.

Random crap post? Well, sure, don’t mind if I do. It’s late and I’m a sleepy lady. But it was LAUNDRY DAY! Unfortunately, Dr. Horrible was not waiting for me in the laundry room to tell me he loved my hair. Or…the air. That he loved the…air. So now it’s late and I’m just about ready for bed. It’s been a long week, jellybeans. Lots going on. Also, kind of psychically exhausting. Ever have one of those just totally psychically exhausting weeks? Yep. This one.

ANYWAY, things to talk about things to TALK ABOUT!

An exciting thing I did this week that was actually kind of anticlimactic

So this week, I went to Rite Aid to get…drumroll please…MY PASSPORT PHOTO TAKEN. For Finland! And for ANOTHER trip I might or might not be taking before Finland that is one of those “don’t count chickens” things that I don’t want to jinx by mentioning just yet. ANYWAY. The lady at Rite Aid was all “Um. No. Our camera is broken.” Your CAMERA is broken? Well, that’s worrisome. GET IT FIXED. So I went to ANOTHER Rite Aid that is close to my office. I was on a MISSION, you see. And the mission was: GET MY PASSPORT PHOTO THIS WEEK. Because I am applying for my passport by the end of the month. I made a GOAL. I wrote it on the calendar and EVERYTHING.

So I went to this OTHER Rite Aid that is not MY Rite Aid and outside were the following things:

  • a man who might or might not have been crazy eating Ranch Corn Nuts as if he’d never eaten food in his life and when one fell on the ground, he BENT DOWN, PICKED IT UP, AND ATE IT FROM THE FILTHY GROUND

    RANCH CORN NUTS! (Shh, sometimes I totally crave these. Don’t even judge.)

  • a wild turkey (the animal, not the liquor, but I wouldn’t rule out that Ranch Corn Nuts hadn’t been drinking some of the liquor) wandering around all aimlessly in the parking lot as if it wasn’t on one of the busiest streets in Albany

So I went in and thought getting a passport photo would be a bigger deal but apparently they take it a lot more seriously in other countries, because Elaine tells me that in England, they are not even allowed to SMILE in their photos, so I assume they’re all SUPER-SERIOUS about such things. This is how a passport photo is taken here in Merka.

  • You ask the Rite Aid cashier, “How do I get a passport photo?”
  • She laughs and says, “Let me get the other cashier, I don’t know, no one ever asks for those.”
  • She then spends five minutes attempting to get the backdrop shade thingy down. It looked like one of those screens that they used to project filmstrips on in elementary school. She couldn’t get it to stay down. I really wanted to reach over her and give it that little snap at the end – you know the one, like when you’re attempting to get a windowshade to stay down? But I thought that might be rude.
  • Finally, the other cashier came over and rolled her eyes and gave it that little snap. She knew what was up, yo.
  • Other Cashier then picked up a camera that looked like a joke camera and made me stand in front of the obstreperous shade and took a number of photos. “NO! YOUR EYES ARE CLOSED!” “NO! YOUR HEAD IS UP TOO HIGH!” “NO! YOU ARE BLURRY!” This was not a good time. Finally, she came over and bopped me on the head (I told sj she bopped me on the head like Little Bunny Fufu, but sj was good enough to inform me that it was Little Bunny Fufu that did the bopping, and the field mice that got bopped, so she bopped me like a field mouse, yo) so that my head would be where she wanted it. A simple “lower your head” would have sufficed, I think.
  • She took a photo and then was all “You are done” and two seconds later it was ready at the counter and it was like $8 and it’s most possibly the worst photo of me ever taken. I am smirking and attempting not to blink so my eyes are too wide and my head’s at a weird angle so I have about 15 chins. I don’t think anyone will mistake me for a terrorist, but they’re not going to mistake me for anyone with any sort of taste, vision, or fashion sense, either. (NO, I am not showing you. It’s really very terrible.)
  • Also, was anyone aware passports are ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DOLLARS? Good grief, for that kind of money I could buy like half the dollar store. That is a lot of simoleons. Hee, simoleons. That’s so an Amy’s Dad word.

It was all very anticlimactic and when I got out, the turkey and the King of Corn Nuts were both gone. Also, in order to fill out my passport application, I have to tell the passport people where my parents were born. Like, city and state. Guess which of my parents isn’t pleased about THE GOVERNMENT having this info? If you guessed Mom, you are incorrect. (It’s all a foolish thing for Dad to get a head of steam over. The man has a passport and a birth certificate. The government knows where he was born. He eventually told me, but he wasn’t pleased about it.)

ANYWAY, on FRIDAY, I will be going to the post office to do two things: A., mail a package to Andreas and his family in Finland, so we’ll see if the clerk recognizes that as a valid place or if we have an issue like we did the time I tried to mail something to the Isle of Man, and B., APPLY FOR MY PASSPORT! Toorah, tooray, oh frabjous day. I’m totally not even kidding about this Finland trip, you guys. It’ll be here before you even know it! Only 15 months from now!

Ooh, look how pretty Andreas' islands will be when I visit them. SO PRETTY!

Ooh, look how pretty Andreas’ islands will be when I visit them. SO PRETTY!

A new venture!

Some of you know this, some of you don’t (and if you DON’T, it means you are not reading the lovely sj’s BLOG, and shame on you!) but starting soon, I will be writing ELSEWHERE! Well, also here. And also still at Insatiable Booksluts. And guest-posting if people ask me to do that and it’s something I think I’d have something to say something about, I suppose. I’m totally down with guest-posting. It makes me grin happy grins because it’s like being chosen not-last at kickball. ANYWAY!

The most amazing sj, who is one of my most favorite people in the whole land, and I were talking a while back. And one thing led to another thing which led to ANOTHER thing (as most of our emails do) and she extended the invitation for me to review books at her blog! And this was exciting, because I read a lot of books, and not all of them are Insatiable Booksluts-type books, and I wanted to start reviewing more (if not all) of the books I read, and listen, if one of your closest friends asks you if you want to work with her, you most definitely do.

SO, I will be starting to review at Snobbery soon, and have grand plans for fun and adventure there. I mean, would it really be an Amy post if there wasn’t fun and adventure? No. No, it would not. I don’t do much if there’s not fun and adventure involved. Or at least one or the other.

I hope you will come read me over there (and you should be reading there anyway, because it’s good stuff, you guys. And I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it. I don’t deal well with lies.)

It is almost a time of much excitement!

Soon there will be MUCH EXCITEMENT and…dare I say it…MUCH ADVENTURE here in the Lucy’s Football household!

Eek, maybe not THIS kind of adventure. No no.

Eek, maybe not THIS kind of adventure. No no.

Here are some things coming up in the next two months which promise to be VERY EXCITING:

  • road trip to Saratoga for play-reviewing!
  • road trip for a VERY LITERARY EVENING where I will see Owen King read from his new book Double Feature and then GET TO HAVE HIM SIGN MY BOOK AAAHHH! I am very excited about this, as you can tell. There are many good things about this, not ONLY listening to and meeting Owen King. Friend C. is meeting me there! We are going together! Like fancy literary friends!
  • Having a fancy sleepover at C. & C.’s new house! Where they have a guest room! Like a grownup lady! ALL THE FUN TIMES!
  • THEN, the next DAY, C. and I go see In the Heights, which is a musical I have never seen, so THAT is exciting! Two whole DAYS with C.! (Plus I’m totally going to try to talk her into going to the Diner of Best Waffles with me for breakfast that morning. YUM WAFFLES!)

    OMG WANT NOW PLEASE EAT WITH MY FACE.

    OMG WANT NOW PLEASE EAT WITH MY FACE.

  • Seeing and reviewing Les Miserables with friend N.! And possibly going to a fancy dinner beforehand!
  • SIX DAYS OFF! One day just for me, and five days for BALTIMORE! To see R. and A. and BABY CEEVEE! And the ZOO! Expect epic blogs and photos from that trip, jellybeans. I’m so excited. It’s my first official grown-up paid-for-by-me more-than-one-day vacation in my whole life. I’m totally counting down the days. I just utterly cannot wait.
  • Blah blah many many plays will be seen over the next couple of months. Some for reviewing, some for fun. I’m trying to see as much theater as possible right now. It makes my heart lighter in my chest and it makes it easier for me to breathe. Don’t ask.
  • Seeing Stephen Sondheim talk as soon as I get back! SO EXCITED AAHHH! He is on my list of people to meet someday! I mean, not that I’m going to get to meet him, but I’ll be in the same ROOM as him, so it’s CLOSE.
  • THEN, in JUNE, guess who I’m going to see? No, guess. NO, GUESS. NEIL EFFING GAIMAN. He’s coming nearby to read from his new book (The Ocean at the End of the Lane) and I HAVE A TICKET TO SEE HIM. I don’t know if he’s doing a signing afterward. I’m so hoping he is. It’s his last book tour and if I get to briefly thank Neil Gaiman for all he’s contributed to my life over the years, well, that’ll be one of the highlights of my life, you know? Yes. Yes, I’m a total book geek. What of it?

Isn’t that quite the list of exciting things? Whoa. I’m the most fancy.

Looking back, looking forward

So on Monday, I was lazing around when I got home with the news on and someone was all blah blah blah tax deadline day! and I realized, huh. It’s April 15. It’s April 15th and I’m home at 5pm and I didn’t have to do tax season this year, and I didn’t have to deal with that stress, that bathroom-weeping, that potential to have files thrown at my face, that last-minute screaming, that “you go home when I SAY you go home”-ing, any of it. It mattered so little this year that it didn’t even register. I filed my taxes in early February, got my refund, and that was that. Done.

It’s easy to say, when you’re upset, “WELL! Getting fired was THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ME!” But on some level, you don’t believe it. That’s just you being stompy. Because it’s scary. Your safety net is gone. But the person that told me, over and over, it was the best possible thing that could have happened, and not to be afraid – well, they were right. Because this new job is amazing. The most stressful thing that’s happened there in the last four months is that there was no parking in the front lot, so I had to park ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK and WALK UP THE STAIRS instead of TAKING THE ELEVATOR. Oh, and it was also stressful the time the elevator almost started going up and the doors were still open. That was a little frightening. Like the Tower of Terror at Disney.

I’m being facetious, a little. But seriously: April 15th came and went on Monday, and I was nowhere near the tax office. It didn’t even register as a day. No one yells at me at work; I laugh there. A lot. We have fun, we work hard, I’m proud of what I do, and I’m doing a good job.

Sometimes when you’re petrified because you’ve been kicked out of the nest and someone tells you it’s all going to be alright and it’s the best possible thing that could have happened to you and you’d like to believe them but it’s super-scary? Believe them. Because it is. It is the best thing that could have happened to you.

So uncomfortable. And possibly unemployed for 5 months.

So uncomfortable. And possibly unemployed for 5 months.

How did I write this much? It’s so time for bed, yo.

ALL THE THINGS!

Happy Thursday, people of the internets. May your day be the best of all days. Love your faces. MMM-WAH. (That’s a movie-star air-kiss. Nice, right? Totally nice.)


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