Tag Archives: lists

I’m terrible at music: Top Twenty Songs of 2013 (Part Two)

Well, since you’re back today from yesterday’s musical debacle, that means I haven’t killed you with my musical choices. Not YET, anyway. We’ve still got ten more to go. You never know what might happen. You might want to have emergency vehicles present. I don’t want to be held responsible for your downfall, yo.

So here are my top ten songs of 2013, this weird, wild, and wacky year. I’m equally sad and glad to see this year go; it’s had some of the highest highs and lowest lows of my entire life. Oh, 2013, I should have known, you with your built-in triskaidekaphobia.

10. “Patient Love” – Passenger (All the Little Lights, 2012)

Three words on the tip of my tongue/Not to be spoke nor sung/Or whispered to anyone/Till I scream ’em at the top of my lungs again

I just discovered Passenger this year. I love this guy’s voice and his accent and how he sounds kind of far-away and dreamy and I love that you can hear the longing in his voice. This is a beautiful song. Can’t you just see this guy singing this song? Kind of down on his luck and waiting for someone and everyone’s saying she won’t come back, but he’s still waiting, and he’ll keep waiting?

9. “The Moorings” – Andrew Duhon (The Moorings, 2013)

Oh my darling my dear I have reason to fear/That you know not the man you’re adoring

This sounds like a folk song, and I think that’s what drew me in, and then I listened to the lyrics and I fell crazy in love and I play it very loud in my car and sing and sing. I like to imagine this song being sung as someone sails away from someone as he goes off to make his fortune even though he isn’t sure it’s the right move. Isn’t it so old-timey and beautiful? I love that it’s acoustic, too. I’m a total sucker for acoustic music.

8. “Applause” – Lady Gaga (ARTPOP, 2013)

I’ve overheard your theory/Nostalgia’s for geeks/I guess sir, if you say so/Some of us just like to read

I absolutely cannot hear this song without dancing around. I’m listening it to it right now and keep having to stop blogging so I can couch-vogue. I’m not even kidding. Lady Gaga makes me ALL KINDS OF DANCEY. She is just the best. SO DANCEY! This is an awesome song. (SIDENOTE: Dad hates her and said Obama created her to distract “us dirty libruls” from what he’s doing to the economy. TRUE STORY!)

7. “Let Her Go” – Passenger (All the Little Lights, 2012)

Only know you love her when you let her go/And you let her go

OMG, this SONG. The pause at the end of this song before you find out he really, really did let her go, how his voice kind of trails off on that line, and that’s why he’s singing this, and that’s why he’s feeling all these feelings, why he’s so lost; he made the wrong choice. He’s mired in regret. He didn’t realize what his choice would do to him, and now he does…but it’s too late. I get very misty-eyed when I listen to this song. Every damn time.

6. “Paranoia in B Flat Major” – The Avett Brothers (Live, Volume 3, 2010)

With paranoia on my heels; will you love me still/when we awake and see that the sanity has gone from my eyes?

I think I discovered The Avett Brothers last year, but this year CONTINUED my adventures in listening to all their lovely music. This song makes me both happy and wistful, which is an excellent combination for me. Their voices are so joyful, aren’t they? I can’t listen to these guys without smiling. I share them with everyone I know. I want everyone to love them as much as I do. (One of the worst books I read this year started every chapter with an Avett Brothers song quote. I was so mad they put one of my favorite bands into such a craptastic book.)

5. “Live and Die” – The Avett Brothers (The Carpenter, 2012)

You and I we’re the same/Live and die we’re the same/Hear my voice know my name/You and I we’re the same

And I like THIS Avett Brothers song even MORE. Seriously, listen to this one, you guys. It is SO HAPPY. And there’s a cheerful banjo, and it makes you want to dance around, and it’s romantic, and I so want to see these guys in concert someday. Come to Albany, Avett Brothers, I will sit down front and smile so big that you’ll feel so welcomed!

4. “Last Night on Earth” – American Idiot (American Idiot: The Original Broadway Cast Recording, 2010)

My beating heart belongs to you/I walked for miles ’til I found you

Best song of the best musical I saw all year. I WEPT when I heard this song performed onstage for the first time. It is gorgeous. If you’ve heard the Green Day version, do yourself a favor and listen to this version; the addition of the female voice…oh, my. I can’t even describe. Haunting. Heartbreaking and haunting and so, so beautiful.

3. “Just Give Me a Reason” – Pink featuring Nate Ruess (The Truth About Love, 2012)

We’re not broken just bent/And we can learn to love again

I think I might have listened to this more than almost anything this year. This came on the radio earlier in the year and I was all HOLY HELL I LOVE THIS and over and over and OVER, I listened. I’m telling you guys, I love Pink. This is a gorgeous duet, and it, again, really hits home – the divide in a relationship, when one person knows there’s a problem, and the other person denies it. Are they lying? Should you believe them? Do you dare put your heart out there for them to potentially hurt again? Do you NOT dare?

2. “Bulletproof Weeks” – Matt Nathanson (Some Mad Hope, 2007)

Talking to what’s left of you/And watching what I say

This is just about the saddest song ever. If you can listen to this and not think back to a relationship that imploded, I think your heart might be dead. I can see the man singing this; I can see him remembering the time that things were perfect…until they just weren’t, and no one could predict them going wrong, they just went wrong, because sometimes things do that. You can’t predict it. You can, however, mourn it, and look back, and wonder what you could have done. When I discovered this song I listened to it on my phone in my bed over and over and just cried and cried. I love this so much.

1. “Monster” – Meg Myers (Daughter in the Choir, 2012)

what have I become?/I’m a fucking monster/when all I wanted was something beautiful/my love too much/your love not enough

I know. This is the weirdest choice for a #1 song of the year EVER. But I am OBSESSED with it. It is SO DARK and SO MOODY and I love her voice and she’s so powerful and so pained and I seriously sing this so angrily and so passionately when this one comes on in the car. And then I start it over. And I do it all over again. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Alright, bloggonians. Did I kill you? Are you dead dead dead? Listen, a lot of you have been here for a while, you know I have the musical taste of someone raised by wolves; none of this can surprise you much. But I hope you liked some of them, at least, and I hope you had a good year of music on your ends, as well. *smooch*


I’m terrible at music: Top Twenty Songs of 2013 (Part One)

For the past three years, I’ve done a year-end best-of music post. I always do it wrong, and my taste in music is TERRIBLE. Just a warning.

Ways I do this wrong:

  • As stated: bad taste in music. It’s going to probably make you cringe.
  • Probably very few, if any, of these songs actually came out in 2013. All that matters is that I first HEARD them in 2013. I’m very behind on what’s good and/or what I enjoy.
  • I usually do thirty songs. This year I only came up with twenty. I don’t know why, either. Slow year for music in Amyland? You’re probably going to be thankful when I’m done, because, as mentioned…TERRIBLE TASTE IN MUSIC.

So we’re breaking this up over two days…20-11 today, 10-1 tomorrow. I’m putting in videos whenever possible so if you’re so inclined, you can listen. Maybe someone reading will LIKE my terrible taste in music! As they always say, there’s no accounting for taste.

As for where I find the music I get obsessed with, it’s a little of this and a little of that. Pandora, background of television shows I’m watching, the radio, people recommending it to me, musicals, Facebook or Twitter telling me “ZOMG THIS IS AWESOME,” things like that. Where do most people get their new music, I wonder?

So, here we go. Hopefully you won’t hate these as much as I worry you will. These songs have made me happy since I heard them and I’ve since purchased them from iTunes and listen to them over and over at work and my coworkers are all “you are bopping at your desk” and I’m like “yep.”

20. “The Bed Song” – Amanda Palmer (Theatre is Evil, 2013)

You say I would have told you if you’d only asked me

This song is not only beautiful, it’s intelligent and heartbreaking. The end of this song killed me, the first time I heard it. It’s really relevant, isn’t it? To a lot of situations, I mean. I admire Amanda Palmer. I know a lot of people were angry with her this year, but I think she’s kind of awesome; she believes so fiercely in her art, and in love, and in creation. So she sometimes makes mistakes. Has no one ever made a mistake? She owns up to them, you know? And I’m not as judgmental about the alleged mistakes, to be honest. I think a lot of people hate on her because she dared marry Neil Gaiman, and he is our geek god. You know what? Good for them. I’m all for love. More of it, I say.

19. “Without You” – Ingrid Michaelson (Without You, 2013)

My life will go; my love will grow/without you

Ingrid Michaelson gets me. When I need something sad and moody but with a tinge of hope, I turn to Ingrid Michaelson. I love this song. It’s got loss, but also the potential of moving on, all with her beautiful, sweet, bubbly voice. I’ve listened to this so many times since downloading it.

18. “Beautifully” – Jay Brannan (Rob Me Blind, 2012)

It’s not that you’re not beautiful, you’re just not beautiful to me/she said, how beautiful do I have to be?

This is a really sappy song? And I’m aware of that? But it speaks to me. I’ve been the “yeah, you’re great, BUT” girl. Like, more times than I want to discuss at the moment, thanks. So sometimes I need a really sappy song to talk to me about that, that tells me that someone else understands that. Shush, no judging. (Also, this guy’s voice is really pretty. I like it a lot.)

17. “Lovely Tonight” – Joshua Radin (Wax Wings, 2013)

I see the rest of my life with you

Joshua Radin is my romantic-song go-to guy. His VOICE! Sigh. He gives me those good chills, you know? Those really good chills? I could listen to him all day. This song is (again) a little sappy…but I adore it. Listen, I like sappy. I like sad songs more than anything. Sad, moody songs are my thing. I’m not even going to apologize.

16. “True Love” – Pink, featuring Lily Allen (The Truth About Love, 2012)

At the same time, I wanna hug you/I wanna wrap my hands around your neck

This song made me smile every time it came on all year. It’s true, right? You can love someone right to pieces, but sometimes, just sometimes, you totally want to murderize them because they can be so damn CLUELESS about THINGS. And sometimes you know that’s why it’s the person you love, you know? Because who else could get to you like that? Someone that doesn’t matter wouldn’t bother you, that way-down-deep-under-your-skin way. (Also, I adore Pink. She is just about my favorite.)

15. “Say Something” – A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera (Is Anybody Out There?, 2014)

I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you/Anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Apparently everyone loves this because it was on The Voice or something but I love it because A., it’s so damn moody and pretty and heartbreaking, and B., I heard it driving home one rainy, foggy night and it was perfect for my mood and it stuck in my brain and wouldn’t leave so I downloaded it and listened to it over and over when I got home. I love a good moody driving-in-the-rain song. Back in the day, I used to make driving-in-the-rain mixtapes. Over and over and over. I couldn’t have enough of them.

14. “Cups” – Anna Kendrick (Pitch Perfect Original Motion Picture Soundtrack, 2013)

It’s got mountains, it’s got rivers/It’s got sights to give you shivers/But it sure would be prettier with you

This song makes me happy. Anna Kendrick has a surprisingly pretty voice; I loved the movie it featured in; the song itself is just so damn great. Both romantic and fun and perky. This song makes me sing and chair-dance when it comes on, every time, and I know I’ve listened to it like a hundred times since it came out.

13. “Hold Me” – HAIM (Just Tell Me That You Want Me, 2012)

I’ll be waiting for you/If you ever want to be there

Good grief, people, why didn’t you tell me how pretty the voices on these sisters were? SO PRETTY. Their harmonies make me SWOON. I love this cover. I’m a complete and total sucker for covers and this one is AMAZING. The way their voices just twist around each other…oh, my. Love, love, love.

12. “Samson” – Regina Spektor (Songs, 2002)

You are my sweetest downfall/I loved you first, I loved you first

I love this. I love Regina Spektor, but I love this reimagining of the Samson and Delilah mythos; well, it’s not so much reimagining, I suppose, but a prequel; someone loved Samson before he was Samson. Of course someone did. Someone always does, don’t they? This is a wonderful story of a song, and it’s also heartbreaking; it’s from the girl that history left behind.

11. “Paperweight” – Joshua Radin & Schuyler Fisk (Dear John Original Motion Picture Soundtrack, 2010)

I give up/I let you win/You win ’cause I’m not counting

No, I haven’t seen the movie. It has Channing Tatum in it. He makes me nervous. Also, it’s one of those Nicholas Sparks things…I am not at all a Nicholas Sparks fan. But this song is majorly pretty. I love the feeling of just falling in love it has in it, when everything seems magical, you know? And you know my Joshua Radin love. Sigh, Joshua Radin.

OK, folks, there’s your first ten. How painful were those. Bad? Not too bad? Ten more tomorrow. My very very VERY favorite songs of the year, if you’re still around, that is!


An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 30)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Howdy, people of the glorious interwebs! Here we are. Almost Christmas. People all running around buying last-minute presents and baking things and getting together with loved ones and such. My parents were supposed to come and visit this weekend, but could not; massive ice storm in the northern part of the state. No one allowed on the roads. If my dad isn’t willing to drive, you KNOW it’s bad, because he’s like the king of “whatever, this is NOTHING.” However, before sadness happens, please know I am just so spoiled that Dad’s coming down on Christmas Eve for lunch and the exchanging of gifts. He’s kind of the best, isn’t he?

I don't think it'll be THIS bad. But maybe. It's happened before up there.

I don’t think it’ll be THIS bad. But maybe. It’s happened before up there.

But! Even though we’re all busy with holidays and winter and such, we cannot forget it is time for our monthly check-in with people who accidentally got to the old Football in error and are wandering around here all big-eyed and lost and all “Momma? What’s happening here? WHERE AM I?”

So, just in case you’re new (and if so, hi hi hi!), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 30th one. Thirty, can you even imagine? This is all very exciting. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Not 100% sure, to tell you the truth. Entertains me, I suppose. You take your entertainment where you can find it, whether it’s trolling your own search terms or watching hours of terrible television, you know?

This month, I had very few search terms OR questions, which is my own fault for not blogging so much. I’m not even going to apologize. It’s been a busy month and I needed the downtime. However, that means I can squish both the question post and the stats post into ONE BIG POST! Aren’t you so excited? Sure you are, don’t even front.

Ready, Freddie? FINE, maybe your name’s not Freddie, just roll with it.

Agreed.

“i despise woody allen” Me, too. I know. I KNOW. People seem to love or hate Woody Allen; I can’t get into his movies. I know they’re supposed to be so intelligent and such. I’ve seen three of them; one made me laugh a little, and the other two seemed a year long and really whiny. I couldn’t do it. I have no interest in seeing any others, even though one of my most intelligent and cultured friends tells me I really should give them another chance.

This movie made me so annoyed that I'm pretty sure it preciptated the guy I was crushing on at the time to never want to go out with me again. Sorry, guy. We were not meant to be, I guess. You were a really good kisser, though.

This movie made me so annoyed that I’m pretty sure it precipitated the guy I was crushing on at the time to never want to go out with me again. Sorry, guy. We were not meant to be, I guess. You were a really good kisser, though.

i love my nephews images OMG, who DOESN’T? My little guy is the most photogenic. Luckily, his mom thinks so, too, and sends me all the photos of him and they just make me grin and grin. And I get to see him on Christmas day! I am hoping I’ll get some photos of him but whenever we hang out I’m just enjoying my time and I never take out my camera. I only regret that when I get home. At the time, I’m just so wrapped in the joy that is The Nephew I regret nothing.

there are a lot of things make me laugh Well, damn, I know, right? I laugh all day LONG. At, like, EVERYTHING. I think that’s a key to staying young, to be honest. If you’re always able to find things that make you laugh, you’re not going to get all old and closed-off and grumpy. I think you should laugh and laugh all the time. Go ahead, laugh at something, seriously. It’s like drugs, only there are no ill effects.

Confusing, but ok…

“king moonracer” badass  I don’t know that King Moonracer was a badass as much as a weird lion with wings that was keeping all the Misfit Toys hostage on an island, but I guess if you want to think of him as a badass, that’s your prerogative. I just find it odd that these poor toys are lorded over by a winged lion. LIONS DON’T HAVE WINGS.

He looks as confused as I am about why he has wings, doesn't he?

He looks as confused as I am about why he has wings, doesn’t he?

Naughtiness!

boyfriend penis “hang a towel”    WHOA NELLY. You guys totally stepped up the naughty this month. HANG A TOWEL! Well! I guess congratulations are in order? Not only do you have a well-hung manfriend, you have a towel rack! You know, in case yours is destroyed in a fire or something, I don’t know.

grandma have hot sex with her great dog and kaviar Great dog! And kaviar! Is kaviar a euphemism? Or is it just caviar spelled wrong? Also, stop talking about grandmas like this. I have a grandma, and she had sex with my grandfather FOUR TIMES and I’m sure it was VERY PROPER and produced FOUR BABIES and THAT IS ALL. Sorry, grandma. Cover your eyes. Don’t read this part. Oh, wait, she doesn’t read the interwebs because she says it can give you “the AIDS” so we’re safe.

having sex with roxxxy sex doll i wanna test Well, I don’t know that they’re “gonna” let you test. That thing is EXPENSIVE. You’re “gonna” get it all messy with your fluids. You’re “gonna” have to buy one yourself, sonny Jim. Sorry about that.

lucy pulling away football symbolism of sex OMG. Is it? WHY DIDN’T YOU PEOPLE TELL ME IT WAS A SYMBOLISM OF SEX? Wait, no it isn’t. Is it? SOMEONE TELL ME RIGHT NOW. Because if it IS, how tricky have *I* been all this time not even thinking of that? Good gracious. What would it be a symbolism of, like, cockteasing? I don’t even know.

my bully: i hate you, i love you (gay sex literotica) This is kind of the worst gay literotica ever. No one should have sex with their bullies. Bullies don’t deserve sex. Not unless they stop bullying, because bullying is the worst. Don’t reward bullying with all the hot sexifying, yo. Although, kudos for the creative title. Nice use of a colon. That is not a euphemism.

This is the place for euphemisms, my friend.

euphemism candy bar Oh, candy bars are ALL ABOUT EUPHEMISM. There are Mounds and Payday and Butterfinger and Special Dark and if you like euphemism (and we totally do around here) those are all things you can work with. However, if you’re especially skilled in euphemism? ANYTHING can be a euphemism. Up to, and including, a boring old Hershey Bar. Seriously. It all depends on how you use it in a sentence. And how you say it. You’re welcome, world!

Don't you even tell me this isn't a euphemism, you big hunk.

Don’t you even tell me this isn’t a euphemism, you big hunk.

I’m…sorry?

every little thing you do is driving me insane Yeah, I get that a lot. Sorry. Someday the technology will exist to put me on mute, I suppose, or to connect my brain and my mouth. I’ll let you know when that happens. Until then, please accept my most abject apologies for how annoying I can be.

i know she’s have big mouth She’s does! She’s DOES have a big mouth! And she’s doesn’t know how to close it sometimes and says REALLY INAPPROPRIATE THINGS! (Again, sorry. See the above answer.)

i lost my watch Oh, well that sucks. I guess buy a new one? I’m actually shopping for a new one right now, because mine won’t keep time anymore, even with a new battery. It’s ok. It’s been a good run. I think I’ve had this thing for almost ten years. But buying a new watch is VERY SRS BSNS for me, and I’ll be shopping for months until I find just the right one. I take things way too seriously. So, in summation: sorry about your watch, dude/dudette. Seems like an odd thing to search Google for, though. Did you think Google would know where it was?

you make me rude Well, THAT’s a new one. I make you rude? I don’t know if I’ve ever gotten THAT one before. That’s kind of a coup, isn’t it? Somehow, I made someone else be rude! Well, I’m kind of rude, at times, but I’m not TRYING to be rude, it’s mostly bluntness and the aforementioned brain/mouth disconnect…so I guess I’m sorry that rubbed off on you? That’s probably not a euphemism?

More Facebook. This place is all Facebook, all the time, yo.

facebook friendship request letter You don’t need a letter. Just hit the “request friend” button. No one wants your letter. Seriously. They won’t even bother reading it. People don’t care. They just accept you or decline you and move on, jellybean. Stop overthinking.

facebook i don’t like who you think i might know an want to friend request them This is one convoluted search term. You don’t like the “people you may know” but you want to friend request them? Am I misunderstanding? So weird. I guess…um…friend those enemies? FRIEND ‘EM GOOD. I don’t even know, darlin’, I totally don’t.

fb all the lonely people WHERE DO THEY ALL COME FROM WHERE DOOOO THEY ALL BELONGGGGGG

Are we kindred spirits in terrible television?

hanging in ravonwood OK, I assume you’re taking about Ravenswood? That Pretty Little Liars spinoff? Listen. I AM OBSESSED WITH TERRIBLE TELEVISION. Yes. I watch BOTH Pretty Little Liars AND Ravenswood. I DON’T KNOW WHY EITHER. They’re kind of foolish and totally mindless. I like that about them, I think. I can turn my brain off when I watch those. Also, I like the clothes. I mean, I’d never try to wear them, but I like to look at them and think, “those are fun. I wish I was fun. Whoa, Aria, those earrings are too big, you’d get those all caught in your hair.” Now you know: I like dumb television. I also like intelligent television, but there’s far less of that on than you’d think.

Yes, it's as cheesy as this photo suggests. Totally is.

Yes, it’s as cheesy as this photo suggests. Totally is.

Confusing…

i peed all prize Oh. Ok. Um…congrats? I don’t know what this means? But it kind of made me giggle. “MOM! I PEED ALL PRIZE!”

Ah. Nice choice, grasshopper.

jason lee young Young Jason Lee = handsomeness times a million. (I even think Jason Lee NOW is ok. It’s the eyes and the sense of humor, I think. However, the crazy religious nonsense can stop, because it makes me nervous. Who’s he think he is, Tom Cruise?) You can’t have young Jason Lee, though, because he’s mine. I called him. Back in 1997. He’s been one of my top movie boyfriends for sixteen years. That’s a COMMITMENT, yo. So hands off.

*swoon*

*swoon*

Oh, I’m a plethora of info here, my friend. PLETHORA!

soap stores Did you know I am obsessed with soap? No, not like I have OCD and always want to be clean, or anything. I just really, really like nice soap. I don’t care about shower gel. I like really fancy, really moisturizing, smells-really-good bar soap. It’s one of my luxuries. I have three: soap, nail polish, and makeup. They’re my only girlinesses. I’m allowed. ANYWAY. Real soap stores? I recommend LUSH; you can walk into a store, if you live near one, or shop online if you don’t. Online stores – I’ve been using the Soap Box Company lately, because there are a million things for sale, the prices are good, there are often sales, and they put lots of extras in your packages. I also love Wylde Ivy and Indigo Wild, and at the drugstore, if I don’t have anything in my house, I’ll pick up Yardley London soap – I like the Almond or the Rose scents. No, none of these places are paying me; I just love them. Yeah, someday we’ll talk about nail polish. I’m just as obnoxious about that, as well. (Also, I am VERY easy to shop for. Soap or sparkly nailpolish. Seriously. Muy bueno.)

A LUSH store is sincerely trouble on my credit card. SO MANY PRETTY THINGS.

A LUSH store is sincerely trouble on my credit card. SO MANY PRETTY THINGS.

I’m glad! My work here is done!

you make me smile like a moron I LOVE THAT! It’s my goal in LIFE. Grin like a moron, bub. All day long. I love it.

Questions!

is the narcissistic generation evil What the hell is the narcissistic generation? I had to look this up. Apparently, it’s millenials. I think this is mean. They’re kids. Weren’t we ALL narcissistic when we were kids? No. They’re no more evil than we were at that age. Some are worse than others, JUST LIKE WE WERE. Kids are kids. Adults are adults. Stop putting people in boxes, jerky. You’re welcome.

love this time christmas time why do we miss our loved ones at this time Why do we miss our loved ones at Christmastime? Well, I miss my loved ones that are gone ALL the time, but especially at Christmas, because I’d like one last Christmas with them. Or, to be honest, a whole bunch more Christmases with them. Wouldn’t anyone? My grandmother was the BEST at Christmas. She brought all of us together and made us all feel so loved and every year since she’s passed Christmas has seemed very empty and it’s been sixteen years, dammit. So, yeah, sure, we miss our loved ones at the holidays. And all the time. Don’t we? Happy holidays. And you’re welcome.

why my friend thinks everyone is homophobic Good grief, I don’t know. Tell your friend that not everyone’s homophobic. Are there a lot of homophobes? Sure. But there are just as many non-homophobes, and more every day. People are becoming more accepting all the time, and it makes me so happy to see it. When I was in high school, the gay kids couldn’t even come out; now, there are actual clubs for the gay students, and they can walk through the halls (in some schools; I don’t know your school, kids, don’t try this and get hurt) holding hands like any other couple and I went to see a school play about five years ago and saw that and I seriously had a teary “how far we’ve come” moment. Tell your friend the world’s not that bad, and he needs to be the change he (maybe it’s a she, I don’t know) wants to see in the world, you know? You’re welcome, slappy.

one who insults too much is called what? An asshole? Insecure? Trying too hard to be funny and/or cutting edge? Extremely negative and therefore not worthy of being in your life because they’ll just bring you so far down you’re constantly in a dark mood when you have to deal with them? I don’t know that there’s a word for it, honestly. Sorry. I wish I could say you’re welcome but I wasn’t helpful.

what does it mean when someone writes dun dun dunnnn It’s SUSPENSE, baby! Dun dun dunnnnnn. Like in an old movie when something bad’s about to happen. Or a cartoon. DUN DUN DUNNNNN! Here, I’ll use it for you. You’re…dun dun dunnnn…welcome!

what is a good response “i can’t stand you” Walk away? Laugh? Say “ZOMG NO MY HEART SHE IS BROKEN HOW CAN I SURVIVE NOW?” If someone says “I can’t stand you,” and they’re not saying it in a loving, joking, sarcastic way, then screw ’em, babe. Not worth a single thought. Not worth any time. Find someone who CAN stand you. You’re welcome. You deserve better.

what to do when wild duck walks into yard I would laugh, and cheer, and grab my camera, probably. I love ducks. Even though Andreas told me once they were rapists of the natural world and I was all “ANDREAS! ZOMG!” and laughed so hard that he would say something like that and I was so happy I knew someone that was comfortable telling me ducks were the rapists of the natural world as my friend because that is a very serious sciency thing but also just so randomly awesome? Don’t be mean to the wild duck, to get back on track. The wild duck will not hurt you. It’s not like it’s a goose. Geese are MEAN. Just leave the duck alone. It’ll leave eventually. Or not. Maybe it lives there now! How lucky would that make you? You’re welcome! Say hi to your duck friend for me! I recommend you name him Jasper.

Hi! I'm in your yard! Call me Jasper!

Hi! I’m in your yard! Call me Jasper!

Whew! That’s a lot of words. My brain hurts.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)


Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 18)

Whoo! Night of craziness around here; hoping to get this up for tomorrow. I’m still hellbent on getting on the road tomorrow for the holiday. See, I’m a stubborn little donkey. Some might say jackass; they wouldn’t be wrong. However, the weather for where I’m going is…not great. Not great at all.

See the 8-12″ area up near Canada? That’s my parents’ house. I’m driving right into the purple. Because I am a JACKASS. I might end up backing out at the last minute, but I’m all packed and ready to go because I really want to go. I really want turkey and family this year. My mother is convinced this will be my death and even TALKING to her about it makes me want to throw something across the room. “Do you think all thousands of people who are traveling tomorrow will die?” I asked her. “Maybe,” she replied. MAYBE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WILL DIE, PER MOM. (I’m not telling Dad I’m coming. This is a surprise for Dad. That’s another reason I want to go. I so, so badly want to go.)

ANYWAY. Let’s get on to answering your questions, why don’t we? I mean, I can’t let you go into the holidays with your questions all unanswered. That’d be a dick move.

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, or maybe are a time-traveller from the 1890s and are confused about the glowing box with the words in it, WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE HERE?!?!, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. This month there were a lot of questions. I guess you’re all just adrift and seeking guidance. Which makes me sad, because I’m like the worst person to give that advice. But for you, little jellybeans, I keep on tryin’. I like you just that much.

So, yet again!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And how can I not answer their questions? I ask you that! I mean, that’s like walking past a lost dog. YOU CANNOT DO IT. That poor dog. It wants you to help it, with its sad eyes and mournful whimpers. HELP THAT DOG, DAMMIT!

HELP HIM HE IS LOOOOOST!

HELP HIM HE IS LOOOOOST!

are the children really our future Well. I guess, in like an existential sense, they are. They’re going to be taking care of you in the nursing home someday. But that’s not the only reason you should be nice to children. They’re like these little PEOPLE, you know? And they’re AMAZING. They’re like little information sponges. And they look up at you with these huge eyes and they think you hung the moon. How can you not live up to the person they think you are? How can you let that little person down? It’s not that they’re our future. They’re our NOW. You’re welcome. Be nice to the little ones in your life, ok? They deserve the best possible you that you can be.

can raccoon dogs be pets No. No, they cannot. They are wild animals and they are bitey. Stop trying to make wild animals pets. SIDE NOTE: Andreas saw not ONLY a raccoon dog but ALSO a hedgehog recently in his land of Finns and they aren’t always around. This makes me think that most likely the animals I most want to see are migrating back to Andreas’ island because they heard I was coming to visit soon (LESS THAN SIX MONTHS FROM NOW!) and they want to meet me. I am excited to meet you, too, raccoon dogs and hedgehogs! But, as much as I want to, I will not bring you home with me in my luggage – BECAUSE YOU ARE WILD ANIMALS. Wild animals are not pets. You’re welcome; be wise in your choice of pets or you’re going to get eaten by them.

I am not your pet; I will eat your face. Thank you.

I am not your pet; I will eat your face. Thank you.

how many curtis lumber accidents Ha! Like, at the Curtis Lumber store? I would hope not many. Are you implying that like a stack of lumber would fall on the shoppers’ heads or something? Do you know something I don’t? I just looked online and there have been a couple accidents, but they were employees who got sucked into sawmills or something, and now I have the shivers. Thanks a lot, searcher, YOU GAVE ME THE SHIVERS. You’re welcome, stop giving people the shivers.

does zak bagans have a skype account Why would you want to know this? Are you going to call him up and Skype him? He’s not going to accept your call. He’s going to be all, “this is a stranger” and ignore you. Also, he’s a douche. Why do you want to talk to Zak Bagans? SIDE NOTE: the other night, Dad said, “You know who’s still pretending to find ghosts? That guy with the gas mask. Whenever I’m flipping around channels and I see him I think, that guy is the worst and I’m not going to watch that show but if Amy was here she would make me watch that show just to laugh at that guy and she calls him the Ghost Douche.” You’re welcome. Maybe just Skype with people who won’t give you long-distance STDs?

how do i not get in trouble by my mom I don’t know, don’t do things that piss your mom off? Or don’t get caught, I guess. It’s a little of each. Or practice your saddest face when you DO get in trouble, your “OMG, MOM, I got in trouble, but LOOK HOW CUTE I AM!” and maybe that’ll help. Best of luck to you. You’re welcome. Behave yourself, kiddo.

how much is a mummyfied squirrl worth WHOA! A mummyfied squirrl! I don’t know how much a mummyfied squirrl would be worth, or even how much a mummified squirrel would be worth, to be honest. I’m thinking not much. One time I found a somewhat-mummified squirrel in my bed. TRUE STORY! I went to camp and we were making up our beds and when I went to do so there was a dead mummified squirrel in the bed. It also might have been frozen. It was a long time ago. All I know is that it was dead and I was all, huh. There’s a dead squirrel where I sleep. This is a worry. And Mom was all GROSS! And Dad was all, let’s throw that outside, ok? And then I made the bed. Things don’t gross me out much. Oh, you’re still waiting for me to answer your question. Um…let’s say $10. Does $10 sound ok? You’re welcome. Good luck with your mummyfied squirrl.

This adorable red squirrel is unimpressed with your mummification, my friend.

This adorable red squirrel is unimpressed with your mummification, my friend.

how to accidentally get someone to see your blog Hee! Accidentally. Well, a lot of people seem to accidentally see mine through misguided search terms. But I haven’t a single idea how to rope those people into seeing your blog by accident. I could give you a bunch of tips about search engine optimization and such, but you’d have better luck finding those elsewhere. Here’s my main tip: write a lot. If you write a lot, eventually people will start stumbling upon your blog. You’re welcome. Best of luck with everything.

how to deal with accidental homophobia in your friends Accidental homophobia? Like, someone accidentally gaybashes or something? Or calls someone an offensive term but then apologizes? No, I’m completely serious, I’m asking, what does this mean? OK, let’s assume there’s this strange “accidental homophobia” amongst your friends. I would think the best way to deal with it was to say, “hey, Friend, casually dropping that term in conversation really wasn’t cool; you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.” No? Fine. This is how I would deal with it: “Did you really just say the word ‘fag’? Sincerely? I kind of want to punch you in the neck right now.” Sincerely. I’m a mouthy broad. You’re welcome, I think, even though I don’t totally understand your question.

how to use your common sense in giving guidance If you have to ask, then I can’t help you with this. No, sincerely, I mean it. Common sense isn’t something you can learn. It’s something you have – or you don’t – and if you have to think about using it when giving advice, I’m thinking it’s too late for you. Some people are better at common sense than others, is all. I’m usually decent at it when it comes to others; I’m not always great at it when it comes to myself. I think a lot of people are like that, honestly. You’re welcome; just do your best. It’s all anyone can do.

is the world being overran by sluts No. No, I don’t think so. And I think the casual use of the word “slut” is demeaning and childish. And I think you WISH the world was being overrun by “sluts” but honestly, even the question shows you’re a small little person with a mean streak and you think you’re allowed to pass judgment on others. I’d say you were welcome, but you don’t even get that from me, because you’ve kind of pissed me off, to be honest.

what can you use for a rainbow bright costume if you don’t have the address The address for what? For Rainbow Brite? Like, her mailing address? This question confuses me. I think you could use whatever you want for your costume. Make it yourself from fabric from the craft store, I don’t know. I just want you to tell me what address you’re talking about. You’re welcome. I hope you’re the best Rainbow Brite of them all.

Look, I found you a pattern! Make your own costume! TA DAH!

Look, I found you a pattern! Make your own costume! TA DAH!

what does it mean if somebody says you are the lucy with the football That you’re mean and tricky and a tease, I guess. That you keep dangling things over someone’s head, but pulling them away at the last minute. That you’re kind of a jerk. I hope that’s not you. You’re welcome; be nice to people, ok?

what happens if my car is hit in the middle of the night with my insuarance agency I assume the same thing that happened when mine was hit while I was in the theater; if no one sees it, and there’s no one to blame, you pay your deductible (which is usually a lot) and get it fixed. I think there’s something about no-fault states but I don’t know which states are no-fault and I’m not 100% sure what it means, to be honest. I find car insurance very confusing. I think you decide whether it’s worth driving around with your car all jacked up, or fixing it yourself, or calling your insurance agency. I found that my gecko was not very helpful when I needed them, to be honest, but they’re cheap, so whatever, I stick with them. You’re welcome. Sorry about your accident.

what to give to to your boyfriend whan he is leaving A kick in the ass? A well-timed insult? Copious weeping and pleas for him to stay? Oh, you’re probably asking about gifts, yeah? In which case, I’m going to assume you still like him? Then I guess give him something so he’ll remember you. NO NOT NAKED PHOTOS. Those are never a good idea. Something with meaning for both of you; maybe music or a photo, I don’t know. I don’t know your life. Just stay in touch with him while he’s gone, you know? Call and text and email and Skype. Distance doesn’t have to be so bad, if you make an effort. You’re welcome. Best luck, little marshmallow.

That was a lot of questions. I’m totally weary.

Until next month – may all your questions be answered, and may you have a month of joy and wonder and very few pokes in the eye with a sharp stick. How few? Less than 1 is ideal. Aim for that.


An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 29)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Yo, interwebs! Here we are. End of the month, search terms ahoy. Hope you’re all doing well and getting ready for the holidays and such. Here, it’s getting cold and colder and there was actually snow the other night and I almost slid off the road because I was all “la la la IT’S NOT SLIPPERY! and it totally was and then I was like WHOA! but I’m totally ok. I just need to stop driving like a moron, is all.

Oh, this totally looks like something I'd do, doesn't it?

Oh, this totally looks like something I’d do, doesn’t it?

So, just in case you’re new (and if you’re new, well! Howdy and such! Glad you’re here!), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 29th one. I remember being 29. I was all worried about turning 30. Little did I know that my 30s would be AWESOME. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Well, let me tell you: I do a lot of things with very little planning and/or forethought. Sometimes they turn out swell. Sometimes I end up with a whole crate of quilting materials and realize I can’t sew. You win some, you lose some, you know?

Again, we had more questions than search terms this month. This leads me to believe people have caught on to how amazing I am at answering your questions, and it’s like I’m Dear Abby, only Dear Amy, and I’m a lot less thoughtful and a lot more blunt. I’m down with that, yo.

And here we go! All search terms, all the time! Fine, NOT all the time. Just today. Sheesh.

Ha!

amateur jeggings  So, not like PROFESSIONAL jeggings, then. Would amateur jeggings be unattractive? Oh, shit. Wait. ALL JEGGINGS ARE UNATTRACTIVE. That’s what you get when you turn DENIM into LEGGINGS.

I'm going to go ahead and say the pink shiny pair are pretty amateur.

I’m going to go ahead and say the pink shiny pair are pretty amateur.

lane bryant open tip bra what the hell’s an “open tip bra”? All I can either a nursing bra or something pervy. Neither of which are sold at Lane Bryant. So what’s going on here?

my cat smells like banana Huh! Mine smells like…well, nothing. Fur, I guess. One time he smelled like popcorn, and my roommate and I thought that was hilarious because bearcats smell like popcorn and sometimes we called him Bearcat because he used to stomp around like a little mad bear cub. If your cat smells like banana either he got into some bananas or has some sort of tropical disease. Please note: I made that up. Your cat doesn’t have a tropical disease. Probably.

I know all about these!

lil abner most unloved unnecessary This is from a terrible musical named L’il Abner I was in when I was in high school. I was the whore. No, seriously. My name was Appassionata and my role was to be seductive and show my boobs all around the town. It was QUITE an impressive acting feat and really did nothing more than make this sophomore kid get all wild-eyed whenever I came out in my costume and say things like “humna humna we oughta hang out sometime.” This is a line from one of the songs in the show where they’re talking about their town being the most unloved, unneccessary place on the earth. It’s oddly a very upbeat number. Like I said: terrible musical.

Here's the chick that played my part in the movie. Want her full name? Appassionata Von Climax. VERY appropriate musical for teenagers, right? Right.

Here’s the chick that played my part in the movie. Want her full name? Appassionata Von Climax. VERY appropriate musical for teenagers, right? Right.

sinus that’s really a pip meaning THIS is from one of my favorite songs in Guys and Dolls where the showgirl is singing about how if she doesn’t get married she’s going to keep getting sick because she read a medical study that if you keep putting off your engagement you’re more likely to catch the flu. Yeah, described like that, it doesn’t sound so awesome, but trust me, it is. She says “sinus that’s really a pip” and I think it just means a really bad sinus infection because it needs to rhyme with “post-nasal drip.” Don’t read too much into it.

what does and the turtles, of course… all the turtles are free as turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be mean This is from Yertle the Turtle and it’s at the end when Mack the most beleaguered turtle burps and knocks mean old Yertle into the mud and the other turtles are free to be turtley and do turtle-like things again. It’s all a metaphor for power and the people you step on to get to power, and what happens when you fall from power; the turtles (and animals) are the people that should be free. Did I just do your homework for you, little searcher? Probably. I probably did. Dammit, you’re tricky.

Yertle is bad news, you guys.

Yertle is bad news, you guys.

what does it mean to hang out with the right cohorts And finally, this is a quote from the song “Popular” from Wicked. I think probably you just don’t know what “cohorts” means. It just means your peeps. And not the marshmallow kind. Your cohorts are the people you hang out with.

Facebook! Again!

50 annoying facebook people you may know Whoa, FIFTY annoying people! I usually just don’t know the people, and there are like five of them, but you know FIFTY and you’re annoyed by them ALL? You seem really impressive and fun to be around.

how to open people facebook  Open…other people’s Facebook? I don’t think you can. Or at least, I don’t think you SHOULD. I mean, if they leave it open and leave the room, you could snoop, I suppose. I know someone who did that and found out his ladyfriend was two-timing him which was Bad News Bears. But as for opening other people’s Facebook pages – yeah, don’t do that, Nosy McGurk.

if you unfriend someone on facebook how long will it take for them to show up in the list of people you may know I don’t know that’s ever happened to me, but I know it’s happened to others, so I guess it just depends? I don’t know if there’s any way to tell. And why do you care? You UNFRIENDED them. It doesn’t MATTER.

Hmm. I don’t know what…

al-be-ker-koo If you’re trying to spell out Albuquerque (or sound it out, I suppose) you’re totally doing it wrong. Albekerkoo? Yeah, don’t go there and say that. They will snicker. Seriously. Al-buh-ker-key. You’re welcome.

It has? Shit.

christmas has been cancelled But I already wrote all my CARDS and bought about half of my PRESENTS, dammit!!! Someone needs to be in charge of telling me these things SOONER than this!

Do you. Huh. Isn’t THAT something.

i get horny in my swimwear That seems oddly specific and weird, and must be awkward when you go to the beach. I’m thinking you might want to avoid swimwear? For the good of, like, everyone.

Oh! Well, thanks!

it’s ok to have feelings That’s so nice! I’m so glad to have your approval. Because I have a LOT of feelings. Sometimes I squash ’em down in my stomach-area but sometimes I let ’em fly and then WHOO DOGGIES. Can’t help it. But with your permission, I feel SO MUCH BETTER!

I’m sorry, I guess? Sometimes it’s best.

i’ve got to let him go Yeah, I’ve been there. Your head’s all “I have GOT to get over this shit” and your heart’s all “BUT I CANNOT BECAUSE OF THE LOVING HIM” and it’s like this cage match going on IN YOUR OWN DAMN BODY. Sometimes letting go is best; sometimes you are utterly incapable; sometimes you cry in your bed a lot. It’s all tough. I’m sorry. I hate that feeling. I sincerely do. I wish I could give you a hug and a cookie.

Whoa. That’s harsh.

lady called my son a bitch Called your SON a bitch? Well, first, that’s kind of a gender-specific insult, so she must have sounded like a dummy. Second: what kind of person calls your son names? I hope you got him away from that crazyperson. And possibly reported her to the correct authorities. I’m sorry. Tell your son he’s awesome for me.

Science facts!

ladybugs don’t bite Are you sure? Let’s investigate. WRONG! They DO bite, but only when they are needing salt. Huh. And apparently it doesn’t bother you, unless you are allergic to ladybugs. So sometimes ladybugs are totally vicious killers. This is good to know. Look out for those cute little things! Because POSSIBLE DEATH.

VICIOUS KILLER BUG!

VICIOUS KILLER BUG!

Why you stalkin’ Dumbcat, yo?

lynx point siamese polydactyl Listen, you can’t have Dumbcat. He’s MINE. He’s my handsome boy. Go find your own Lynx point Siamese polydactyl. If you try to take my good warm cuddly fella I will totally fight back and I’m really vicious. Like those damn ladybugs.

This sounds like code. Is this code?

mistakes were made out of the loop Ooh! Out of the loop, huh? MISTAKES WERE MADE!

weirdness had a crush on my cousin I’m totally going to nickname the next person who I can’t explain “Weirdness.” And listen, I run across a LOT of people like that in my life. More than is normal, actually. I’m a weirdness magnet. I just hope they don’t have a crush on my cousin. Or ANY of my cousins, actually.

Hallmark should hire you!

sorry your ex is such an asshole I would buy this card in bulk. I think you’ve found your calling, my friend.

There! All the search terms. Hoping for the questions tomorrow, if I can get the post written. Lots going on chez Amy and Dumbcat at the moment; we do what we can.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)


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