Tag Archives: Halloween

Halloween: becoming less fun as you get old and cranky

Well, here we are at Halloween week. I used to love Halloween, back in the day. Halloween is the best when you’re young. You get to dress up as someone you’re not and the weather’s getting all nippy and you get to go to stranger’s homes and they HAVE to give you candy. They can’t even refuse! That would be the rudest!

Gimme your candy, yo!

Gimme your candy, yo!

When I magically turned into a grownup, Halloween stopped being the most fun. Mostly that’s because I live in an area that gets no trick-or-treaters. When I first moved here and lived with C., we got maybe 4 or 5 a year, which was VERY exciting, and we’d take turns giving out the candy (and we gave those kids a LOT of candy because there were so few kids and we always bought way too much candy.) When I moved HERE, I was all excited because there are a lot of kids around, so I got a big old bowl of candy and waited for ALL THE KNOCKS and then there weren’t any so I went on the porch and there were kids in the parking lot and I was like “DO YOU KIDS WANT CANDY? I HAVE ALL THE CANDY!” and they (and their parents) gave me the weirdest look and it wasn’t until they’d left and I’d given them so much candy with the biggest goofiest grin I realized that I’d totally broken every law of Stranger Danger and I’m pretty sure everyone’s petrified of me now because I’m the porch version of a weird guy with a van so I never gave out candy again.

I think I gave out candy wrong. Dammit.

I think I gave out candy wrong. Dammit.

I don’t go to Halloween parties and I don’t care for dressing up because I’m a grownup and who would I dress up for, the cat? He wouldn’t care. He’d just sit on my lap and get whatever costume I’d wear all covered in fur. Unless I wanted to go as a crazy cat lady or as Amy on a Normal Day, being covered in cat fur isn’t really the look I would be going for, I wouldn’t think.

This looks like a very comfortable costume.

This looks like a very comfortable costume.

We’re having a Halloween celebration at work where we’re supposed to decorate a pumpkin and then we have doughnuts and cider and a food day. I’m kind of meh on the pumpkin decoration. I thought about it but I don’t feel like doing it. I am not feeling creative. We’re not allowed to carve or puncture the pumpkin in any way so it doesn’t get all rotty in the workplace. I suppose I could paint it or drape it in fabric or something but my brain feels kind of broken so I think I’ll just put the damn thing on my porch and opt out. Sorry, workplace. (I suppose I have to make some sort of cookie or something for Thursday. I’m feeling a general holiday-related malaise. I assume this is because this is when the holiday season starts and I’m not going home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas this year and that’s kind of sad-times, right? Probably.)

I should just do this. It seems very low-maintenance.

I should just do this. It seems very low-maintenance.

I think this week I need to watch some scary movies and get in the Halloween mood or something. I can’t decide whether or not they should be BAD Halloween movies or actually-scary Halloween movies. I do love a good stupid horror movie I can mock, but I also like to be scared.

And there’s always Friday to look forward to. What’s Friday, you may ask? Well! Friday is HALF-PRICE HALLOWEEN CANDY DAY. That’s the day you run to the drugstore at work and load up on what’s left. Hopefully Reese’s Pumpkins, because they are my jam. They are, however, also MOST people’s jams, and tend to go quickly. I should start a rumor like “Reese’s Pumpkins lower testosterone while also making you less attractive to men!” to cover ALL my gender-related bases but I don’t know that anyone would fall for it. Those pumpkins just that good. Sigh.

(And I suppose, if you miss half-price candy day, you only have to wait about a week and the Reese’s Trees go on the shelves. And if you miss THOSE, after CHRISTMAS, you only have to wait a month or so before the Reese’s EGGS go on sale. It’s the time between Easter and Halloween that’s the long dry period for Reese’s related holiday items.)

Now I’m going to go haunt the television for something Halloween-themed. Let’s see what I find. It’s really the luck of the draw at this point. I just looked and the only thing Halloweeny right now is The Happening. Marky Mark running from evil plants = unscary and I don’t think I can sit through that again, to be honest. Sigh.

I miss when I was young and dressing up like a hobo and begging from door-to-door was like, the best thing EVER.

A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality.

It wouldn’t be October unless we took a look at what’s on offer in the sex-ay laydeez costuming arena, would it? I mean, seriously. I know I’m super-late on this. I’ve done these in a MUCH more timely fashion in the past. I’m sure you’ve already planned out what you want to be this year. Sexy Sponge Bob, or Sexy Zombie, or Sexy Axe Murderess, or Sexy Tea Party Member. (Shut up, I’m sure someone out there has a Sexy Tea Party Member costume. I would assume it comes with an optional ball-gag, for when they start running at the mouth about FOX News too much.)

The lovely Mer sent me this recently, so we know we always have this option…

We can be SEXY GHOSTS!

We can be SEXY GHOSTS!

Usually I go to Party City for my sexy costume needs, but this year I was trolling Spirit, just to shake things up a bit. Spirit worries me. Do people really shop there? Those stores always pop up at the end of September and then disappear, like tumbling tumbleweeds. They’re like haunted stores. Here one minute, gone the next, and with them, they take…YOUR SOUL!

Or at least your dignity, or your sense of self-worth.

So! What does Spirit want the laydeez to be this Halloween? Well! Let’s see!

This is a sexy panda. No, I don’t know what’s sexy about pandas, either. I think an accessory for this could be eucalyptus. You could just gnaw on it all night. Now THAT, my friends, is SEXYTIMES. (Also, this costume would be hot and scratchy. Who wears a furry hood all night long? And mukluks? My word. You’d be all sweaty and gross.)

Because a., death is sexy, and b., nothing says “KISS ON MY FACE RIGHT NOW” than a whole face full of white paint. You’re gonna get smeary, Senorita Death. (I didn’t make up that name. That’s straight from Spirit. SENORITA DEATH.)

Well, if you thought a panda was sexy, how about a raccoon? I mean, I don’t know about you, but rooting through trash cans says “DO ME BABY!” like, super-loud. Also, this costume would ALSO be hot. In a sweaty way, I mean. Stop wearing fur to parties. Parties are always too hot as it is. All that body heat and crowding and such.

I’m confused why this one is even INCLUDED in the sexy costume section. It covers way too much flesh, and there’s not much sexy about some sort of graveyard ghost. I think even the raccoon might be sexier than someone in a ripped filthy gramma nightgown.

There’s no crying in baseball. But there would be crying if you showed up wearing this and attempted to PLAY baseball, because you’d sprain your ankle in your fuck-me maryjanes and get grassburn all over your midsection.

This is…some sort of furry sexy monster Muppet thing? I haven’t even the foggiest guess. I feel if someone comes up to you wearing this you run, because this is the kind of person you writes in bubble-letters and cries a lot. Possibly DURING sex.

OMG COME ON. This one’s not even TRYING. Who can guess what this is supposed to be? Anyone? IT IS A SEXY NINJA TURTLE. The only thing that tells us this is the sort-of shell-like iron-on on the tummy. THIS IS A TANK-TOP DRESS WITH AN IRON-ON. Give me a break.

What’s hysterical about this to me is a., the very, VERY small hat, all precariously perched on her head, and b., the unfortunate choice of color in the crotchal region. It’s like a peek-a-boo private area.

Apparently, animals are very sexy this year, which goes into a weird bestiality area I’m not at all interested in discussing. This one’s apparently a sexy zebra? Huh. I would think zebras were more stompy than sexy, but what the hell do I know.

Because MERKA! Also sex.

Well, I don’t know about you, but back when I was little and eating my Happy Meals, nothing made me hotter than the Hamburglar. RAWR.

Yes, even ladybugs are sexy if you make their skirts short enough. Insect sex, anyone? YES PLEASE.

This is a sexy garden gnome. I don’t even…this creeps me out. Like, sincerely. I don’t know if it’s the costume or the shit-eating grin on her face or what, but I find this psychotically distressing.

Yep. Sexy Tin Man, baby. Also, a good idea for your one-night stand? Have them be wielding an axe. Nothing better than a whorey girl you don’t know with a murder implement.

This one doesn’t know if it wants to be sexy or zombie-y so it went both ways and it’s just a hot damn mess. “I’m a zombie waitress! Because after I died, all I wanted to do was…um…continue to work my soul-sucking job where they made me wear a really short skirt! Want to feel me up in the guest bathroom?”


TASTE THE RAINBOW. (The rainbow is a euphemism.)

Anyone ever want to hook up with Rainbow Brite? WELL NOW YOU CAN. Because that’s not at all creepy and worrisome. And again with the fur trim. ITCHY AND HOT.

And in case Rainbow Brite doesn’t rev your engine, here’s Strawberry Shortcake. I’m so glad people are sexualizing my childhood toys. Where’s sexy Mrs. Potato Head, or sexy Cabbage Patch Kid? Ugh, I’m not even going to ask, they totally probably exist. *shudder*


And, now for the MOST SEXY COSTUME EVER, the one that will make every man at the party want to plow you like a snow-covered road…

YEAH BABY! Nothing sexier than this. Nothing at all. I! Want to rock and roll! All night! And get tested for chlamydia EVERY DAY!

I hope this was very helpful, my little pumpkin pies. Remember, Halloween is for tricks, treats, and having ill-advised sex with someone dressed like a sexy animal of some sort. I recommend a sexy wombat. Why? Well, why not? Wombats are ALWAYS sexy, yo.

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