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Tag Archives: crankiness

Only fools rush in. Unless I stab them with a letter opener. Less rushing, more bleeding.

One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.  “Oh, no,” I said.  “Disneyland burned down.”  He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.  I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.  ~Jack Handey

It is April Fools’ Day. I don’t care for such things. Mostly because I think this day gives people license to be a total and complete jerk to others, and then when you don’t laugh at the joke, YOU look like the ass. Because YOU ARE NOT IN THE MOOD OF THE DAY.

HA HA A TERRIFYING CLOWN. That's hysterical.

HA HA A TERRIFYING CLOWN. That’s hysterical.

On Friday at work, my coworkers thought it was funny to leap out at people. I’m not sure if they were doing a pre-April-Fools’-celebration, or it was just a funny thing they were doing. One person leaped out at my boss, which scared her so much she screamed, then cried. This made everyone laugh and laugh. THAT IS NOT FUNNY. When friend A. came over to tell me how awesome that prank had been, I told him in NO uncertain terms that if anyone ever did such a thing to me, I would stab them with my letter opener. I’m pretty sure he knew from my stern face I wasn’t kidding. And by the fact I put my letter opener right by my mouse for easy access.

See, I have an insane startle reflex. I have a touch of PTSD from things that have happened in the past, and I do not like things popping out at me. I’ve talked before about how terrible I am at haunted houses around Halloween, because there, you are PAYING for people to leap out at you. I also don’t like surprise parties where people jump out at you. What the hell is fun about people leaping out at you like that? Nothing. I would walk right out of that party. When I was about six or seven my parents had one of those parties for me and every photo of me at that party are me pouting because people all leaped out and I was SO MAD because I felt like I was being TRICKED.

NOT FUNNY. You are all dead to me now.

NOT FUNNY. You are all dead to me now.

Anyway, so today, I thought I would research April Fools’ pranks and we would talk about them. And why they are a mistake. A TOTAL MISTAKE.

So first, there is a whole website of pranks. It has helpful tips like “plan ahead!” and “make sure you’re not being MEAN!” and “don’t prank strangers!” Well, once you prank a friend using one of these, they’re going to become a stranger, because they’re sure as hell not going to be your friend anymore.

Here are some VERY GOOD IDEAS* (*not at all good):

  • “Go into your victim’s closet and steal one of each of their shoes. Hide them and then laugh while they frantically try to find a match!” Um. If someone stole one of each of my shoes and used up the minimal time I have in the morning to get ready, and I found out they did that, I would beat them around the head and neck with the remaining shoe. And also I’d be late for work. That’s not funny, that’s asshatty. Also, what are you doing in my house? Did you sneak in like a burglar? I live alone. This is worrisome.
  • “Take a box of cereal, crackers, etc., and cut out the entire bottom. Set the box on the cupboard shelf and then dump the cereal or crackers straight into the top of the box (if the contents of the box came in a plastic bag, discard the bag). Close the top. Then, when your victim goes to grab the box, the contents will fall straight out onto the floor!” OMG WHAT. What a mess. WHAT. A. MESS. Also, cereal is not CHEAP, you know. You just wasted my good cereal by TOUCHING it, then making me dump it on the FLOOR. Also, again, may I ask how you got in my house?
  • “Take your victim’s disposable water bottle and make sure the lid is on tight and that it is completely full. Then take a small push pin and put several holes in the bottom. A small amount of water will drip out when you do this, but then water pressure will prevent any more from coming out the holes. When your victim grabs the bottle, it will either leak when they squeeze it, or water will come pouring out of the holes when they take off the top.” Again, this is such a douche move. You just ruined my clothing and also my water bottle. Now I have to get changed, and also get a new bottle of water. Again, HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE.

    Get out of my house, you prankster. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CROWBAR.

    Get out of my house, you prankster. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CROWBAR.

  • “Take a candle, light it, and let it burn until some melted wax builds up. Blow out the flame, then set the candle on its side on some waxed paper, allowing the melted wax to drip into a puddle. Wait for it to harden, then remove the waxed paper. Now you can place the candle “mess” on something valuable–like your wife’s favorite coffee table!” HA HA HA HONEY I RUINED YOUR FAVORITE COFFEE TABLE! Who has a “favorite” coffee table? I mean, seriously? That implies you have multiple coffee tables and have chosen the favorite one. Also, this is kind of sexist. Because wives often have favorite pieces of furniture. HA HA. Gag.
  • “Offer to make a sandwich for the victim. But don’t remove the wrapper from the slice of cheese. When they bite down they’ll get a chewy surprise.” Hey, Charlie, here’s a sandwich, yum, HA HA APRIL FOOLS’! Charlie? Charlie? Are you choking? Charlie? Do you need me to do the Heimlich? CHARLIE ARE YOU OK? (I actually pranked myself with this one a while back. It was the grossest thing, and I almost threw up because paper and teeth made such a weird noise in my head. Gack, thinking about it makes me shudder all over again.)

    Wasn't that a super-good joke, Charlie? Ha ha! CHARLIE!

    Wasn’t that a super-good joke, Charlie? Ha ha! CHARLIE!

  • “Replace the lotion in your victim’s lotion bottle with mayonnaise.” WHAT THE HELL. OK, this is wrong on a lot of levels. A., I know some people who hate mayo more than anything in the world. This would make them so disgusted they would never talk to me again. B., this would mean you have to take a shower, because now you’re covered in disgusting greasy mayo, which has EGGS in it, and is only good on SANDWICHES. And C., did you just throw away someone’s LOTION? Why are you so wasteful?

Then I found this site on Parade. That means a bunch of people got this in their Sunday papers today. DO NOT DO THESE, people who got this in their Sunday paper today. Just because it’s in the paper doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.

  • “This one’s for diabolical parents: When the kids are sound asleep, switch them to each other’s beds. Just make sure you’re there to see their reactions when they wake up!” HA HA! What kind of kids sleep through being moved to another bed? Also, if I was a kid, and I woke up in my brother’s stupid bed, I would not be all “APRIL FOOLS’!” I’d be all “This bed smells gross and why did you touch me while I was sleeping? Is this what bad touch means?”
  • “Replace the cream filling of Oreos with toothpaste, then invite your target for a snack.” Here, Charlie, sorry about the sandwich thing, have some dessert. HA HA APRIL FOOLS’, CHARLIE! Oh, shit, Charlie, are you choking again? Is it because you just ate a whole mouthful of toothpaste when you were expecting delicious creme? CHARLIE ARE YOU OK? What do you mean, you don’t want to be my friend anymore. APRIL FOOLS’ PRANKS ARE FUN, CHARLIE!
  • “Sprinkle grape Kool-Aid mix inside the showerhead to turn the water—and your victim’s skin—purple.” HA HA YOU LOOK LIKE A GRAPE! Oh, it’s not coming off? Even with multiple showerings? And you can’t go to work and now you got fired and you can’t pay your rent and you’re homeless and living under a bridge sharing your cardboard box with a hobo named Toothless Joe? Sorry, dude, it was really a good prank, though. The newspaper said so.

    HEE HEE! Good one*! (*Not at all a good one)

    HEE HEE! Good one*! (*Not at all a good one)

  • “Place mini marshmallows on top of the ceiling fan’s blades, then ask someone to turn it on.” Um. Why is this even funny? Your living room is now covered in mini-marshmallows. Yay? Ha?
  • “Fill soap dispensers around the house with pancake syrup.” Yes. Yes, when I wash my hands, I’d love if my soap was a sticky mess. Good. Also, why are you wasting syrup? It’s super-expensive, if you buy the real stuff.
  • “Spread a layer of cream cheese over your target’s deodorant.” WHY ARE YOU MAKING PEOPLE COVER THEIR BODIES IN FOOD. Is this 9 1/2 Weeks? No? It’s DISGUSTING, is what it is. And it’s going to make people late for work.
  • “Dip the ends of your officemate’s pens in clear nail polish.” A., I’m in charge of buying/replacing office supplies, so this wouldn’t be so much “funny” as it would be “Amy, my pens stopped working, can I have some new ones?” all day long, so, no. And B., I read “pens” as “penis” and therefore, the sentence was SUPER-FUNNY to me, and a lot more naughty. And also I was wondering what kind of relationship you have with your coworkers.

OK. Now that we have read all of these super-good ideas, what have we learned, my little pranksters?

THAT APRIL FOOLS’ PRANKS AREN’T FUNNY.

Don’t do these things. Don’t even do them. Except maybe the penis thing. The penis thing is kind of funny. Mainly because I read it wrong.

Happy April Fools’ Day, my sweetest spring flowerbuds. Watch out for pranksters today. I give you permission to stab them with letter openers if you must. Just try not to get caught. Blame it on that one weird guy in IT, if you have to do stabbery. You are WELCOME.

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