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An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 29)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Yo, interwebs! Here we are. End of the month, search terms ahoy. Hope you’re all doing well and getting ready for the holidays and such. Here, it’s getting cold and colder and there was actually snow the other night and I almost slid off the road because I was all “la la la IT’S NOT SLIPPERY! and it totally was and then I was like WHOA! but I’m totally ok. I just need to stop driving like a moron, is all.

Oh, this totally looks like something I'd do, doesn't it?

Oh, this totally looks like something I’d do, doesn’t it?

So, just in case you’re new (and if you’re new, well! Howdy and such! Glad you’re here!), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 29th one. I remember being 29. I was all worried about turning 30. Little did I know that my 30s would be AWESOME. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Well, let me tell you: I do a lot of things with very little planning and/or forethought. Sometimes they turn out swell. Sometimes I end up with a whole crate of quilting materials and realize I can’t sew. You win some, you lose some, you know?

Again, we had more questions than search terms this month. This leads me to believe people have caught on to how amazing I am at answering your questions, and it’s like I’m Dear Abby, only Dear Amy, and I’m a lot less thoughtful and a lot more blunt. I’m down with that, yo.

And here we go! All search terms, all the time! Fine, NOT all the time. Just today. Sheesh.

Ha!

amateur jeggings  So, not like PROFESSIONAL jeggings, then. Would amateur jeggings be unattractive? Oh, shit. Wait. ALL JEGGINGS ARE UNATTRACTIVE. That’s what you get when you turn DENIM into LEGGINGS.

I'm going to go ahead and say the pink shiny pair are pretty amateur.

I’m going to go ahead and say the pink shiny pair are pretty amateur.

lane bryant open tip bra what the hell’s an “open tip bra”? All I can either a nursing bra or something pervy. Neither of which are sold at Lane Bryant. So what’s going on here?

my cat smells like banana Huh! Mine smells like…well, nothing. Fur, I guess. One time he smelled like popcorn, and my roommate and I thought that was hilarious because bearcats smell like popcorn and sometimes we called him Bearcat because he used to stomp around like a little mad bear cub. If your cat smells like banana either he got into some bananas or has some sort of tropical disease. Please note: I made that up. Your cat doesn’t have a tropical disease. Probably.

I know all about these!

lil abner most unloved unnecessary This is from a terrible musical named L’il Abner I was in when I was in high school. I was the whore. No, seriously. My name was Appassionata and my role was to be seductive and show my boobs all around the town. It was QUITE an impressive acting feat and really did nothing more than make this sophomore kid get all wild-eyed whenever I came out in my costume and say things like “humna humna we oughta hang out sometime.” This is a line from one of the songs in the show where they’re talking about their town being the most unloved, unneccessary place on the earth. It’s oddly a very upbeat number. Like I said: terrible musical.

Here's the chick that played my part in the movie. Want her full name? Appassionata Von Climax. VERY appropriate musical for teenagers, right? Right.

Here’s the chick that played my part in the movie. Want her full name? Appassionata Von Climax. VERY appropriate musical for teenagers, right? Right.

sinus that’s really a pip meaning THIS is from one of my favorite songs in Guys and Dolls where the showgirl is singing about how if she doesn’t get married she’s going to keep getting sick because she read a medical study that if you keep putting off your engagement you’re more likely to catch the flu. Yeah, described like that, it doesn’t sound so awesome, but trust me, it is. She says “sinus that’s really a pip” and I think it just means a really bad sinus infection because it needs to rhyme with “post-nasal drip.” Don’t read too much into it.

what does and the turtles, of course… all the turtles are free as turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be mean This is from Yertle the Turtle and it’s at the end when Mack the most beleaguered turtle burps and knocks mean old Yertle into the mud and the other turtles are free to be turtley and do turtle-like things again. It’s all a metaphor for power and the people you step on to get to power, and what happens when you fall from power; the turtles (and animals) are the people that should be free. Did I just do your homework for you, little searcher? Probably. I probably did. Dammit, you’re tricky.

Yertle is bad news, you guys.

Yertle is bad news, you guys.

what does it mean to hang out with the right cohorts And finally, this is a quote from the song “Popular” from Wicked. I think probably you just don’t know what “cohorts” means. It just means your peeps. And not the marshmallow kind. Your cohorts are the people you hang out with.

Facebook! Again!

50 annoying facebook people you may know Whoa, FIFTY annoying people! I usually just don’t know the people, and there are like five of them, but you know FIFTY and you’re annoyed by them ALL? You seem really impressive and fun to be around.

how to open people facebook  Open…other people’s Facebook? I don’t think you can. Or at least, I don’t think you SHOULD. I mean, if they leave it open and leave the room, you could snoop, I suppose. I know someone who did that and found out his ladyfriend was two-timing him which was Bad News Bears. But as for opening other people’s Facebook pages – yeah, don’t do that, Nosy McGurk.

if you unfriend someone on facebook how long will it take for them to show up in the list of people you may know I don’t know that’s ever happened to me, but I know it’s happened to others, so I guess it just depends? I don’t know if there’s any way to tell. And why do you care? You UNFRIENDED them. It doesn’t MATTER.

Hmm. I don’t know what…

al-be-ker-koo If you’re trying to spell out Albuquerque (or sound it out, I suppose) you’re totally doing it wrong. Albekerkoo? Yeah, don’t go there and say that. They will snicker. Seriously. Al-buh-ker-key. You’re welcome.

It has? Shit.

christmas has been cancelled But I already wrote all my CARDS and bought about half of my PRESENTS, dammit!!! Someone needs to be in charge of telling me these things SOONER than this!

Do you. Huh. Isn’t THAT something.

i get horny in my swimwear That seems oddly specific and weird, and must be awkward when you go to the beach. I’m thinking you might want to avoid swimwear? For the good of, like, everyone.

Oh! Well, thanks!

it’s ok to have feelings That’s so nice! I’m so glad to have your approval. Because I have a LOT of feelings. Sometimes I squash ’em down in my stomach-area but sometimes I let ’em fly and then WHOO DOGGIES. Can’t help it. But with your permission, I feel SO MUCH BETTER!

I’m sorry, I guess? Sometimes it’s best.

i’ve got to let him go Yeah, I’ve been there. Your head’s all “I have GOT to get over this shit” and your heart’s all “BUT I CANNOT BECAUSE OF THE LOVING HIM” and it’s like this cage match going on IN YOUR OWN DAMN BODY. Sometimes letting go is best; sometimes you are utterly incapable; sometimes you cry in your bed a lot. It’s all tough. I’m sorry. I hate that feeling. I sincerely do. I wish I could give you a hug and a cookie.

Whoa. That’s harsh.

lady called my son a bitch Called your SON a bitch? Well, first, that’s kind of a gender-specific insult, so she must have sounded like a dummy. Second: what kind of person calls your son names? I hope you got him away from that crazyperson. And possibly reported her to the correct authorities. I’m sorry. Tell your son he’s awesome for me.

Science facts!

ladybugs don’t bite Are you sure? Let’s investigate. WRONG! They DO bite, but only when they are needing salt. Huh. And apparently it doesn’t bother you, unless you are allergic to ladybugs. So sometimes ladybugs are totally vicious killers. This is good to know. Look out for those cute little things! Because POSSIBLE DEATH.

VICIOUS KILLER BUG!

VICIOUS KILLER BUG!

Why you stalkin’ Dumbcat, yo?

lynx point siamese polydactyl Listen, you can’t have Dumbcat. He’s MINE. He’s my handsome boy. Go find your own Lynx point Siamese polydactyl. If you try to take my good warm cuddly fella I will totally fight back and I’m really vicious. Like those damn ladybugs.

This sounds like code. Is this code?

mistakes were made out of the loop Ooh! Out of the loop, huh? MISTAKES WERE MADE!

weirdness had a crush on my cousin I’m totally going to nickname the next person who I can’t explain “Weirdness.” And listen, I run across a LOT of people like that in my life. More than is normal, actually. I’m a weirdness magnet. I just hope they don’t have a crush on my cousin. Or ANY of my cousins, actually.

Hallmark should hire you!

sorry your ex is such an asshole I would buy this card in bulk. I think you’ve found your calling, my friend.

There! All the search terms. Hoping for the questions tomorrow, if I can get the post written. Lots going on chez Amy and Dumbcat at the moment; we do what we can.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

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An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 28)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Howdy, you guys! October’s coming to a close; the temperatures have dropped into the 50s during the day (and we’re almost to freezing at night, which – and yell at me if you want – I am LOVING.) It’s almost sweater-weather! It’s TOTALLY long-sleeves weather. The only thing I don’t love is the shorter days. It gets dark so soon now! I don’t look forward to the time when it’s dark when I get up and dark when I get home. Those days feel like I’m sleepwalking. Blergh. But, because I’m nuts, I still have my windows open in this weather; I am ALWAYS hot, and I love being cool for once. (And I love cuddling up under a pile of blankets with just my cold little nose sticking out with Dumbcat all warm curled up to me. It’s just the best.)

So, just in case you’re new (and if you ARE, hi there! Welcome!), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 28th one. Hey, Mom, remember that time you told me I didn’t stick to anything? HA HA! I showed YOU! If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Huh. Well, if I knew the answer to that, I…to be honest, I probably wouldn’t tell you. I like to play my cards pretty close to my vest. Dad told me once that if you told someone all your secrets, they’d be TWICE as smart as you, because they’d know all YOUR secrets, and all THEIR secrets, COMBINED. I took that to heart, my friends.

I'm not telling you NOTHING, Slappy.

I’m not telling you NOTHING, Slappy.

You know how lately we’ve had a ton of search terms and very few questions so I haven’t been able to do the accompanying question post that goes with this post? Well, THIS month, because you people like to shake it up, I got very FEW search terms, and a LOT of questions. So we do get to have both days of posts…but tomorrow’s post will be longer. I know. You guys are all kinds of unpredictable, aren’t you? Just a bunch of wild and crazy guys. Whoo.

Here we go! Search terms a’poppin’!

Why are you being weirdos, sincerely.

baby driving condition   I’m confused. Like, are you wondering under what conditions is it ok to let your baby DRIVE, or are you wondering under what conditions is it ok to drive AROUND a baby? I’m hoping it’s the latter, because the former is not ok. It would just end up like Toonces the Driving Cat and drive you off a cliff. Babies are TERRIBLE drivers. All kinds of road rage, especially if they lose their binkies.

german hat london Is it still a German hat, once it’s in London? Wouldn’t it become a British hat, just by the sheer fact it’s in London now? No? This search confuses me. Maybe you’re asking where to BUY a German hat in London? I’ll tell you a secret – on the interwebs. That’s where you can buy ANYTHING. No matter WHERE you live.

New favorite German hat. It's very matter-of-fact.

New favorite German hat. It’s very matter-of-fact.

google search paper mache fairies google search how to make paper mache very This is just about the weirdest search string ever. First you decided you wanted to make paper mâché fairies, but then you realized you didn’t know how to make the paper mâché, so you just made it into ONE LONG SEARCH. Way to multi-task, yo! Once I worked on a play where the whole set was paper mâché sand dunes. I’ve never been so covered in flour paste in my LIFE. I had to throw away my clothes I wore, AND my shoes. That stuff just didn’t wash out. It also was virtually impossible to get out of my hair. I mean, we had a lot of fun making the set, but cleanup was the WORST.

I Googled paper-mache fairy and got this. IT IS HORRIFYING.

I Googled paper-mache fairy and got this. IT IS HORRIFYING.

napoleon school oh bullying I’m not really sure what the “napoleon school” thing is, here (Napoleon Dynamite was the only thing that came to mind, and although I’ve seen that a number of times, this didn’t ring any bells) but “oh, bullying” made me laugh. “Oh, bullying. I mean. What can you do, really? Those wacky kids. HA HA BULLYING!” Sigh.

nobody likes you when you’re 23 gifts Do you want gifts or GIFs? There’s an important difference, you know. (Although you could, I suppose, give a GIF as a gift. People have sent me GIFs as a gift before.) If you really ARE looking for gifts, and it’s for a 23-year-old who still listens to this song which is like…um…I don’t know, 15 years old now or something…maybe get them a boom-box CD player or something, I don’t even know what the hell.

I know all about these!

chateaugay wind farm   It’s kind of OUTSIDE of Chateaugay (that’s my HOOD, yo!), but there’s totally a wind farm, with big wonderful windmills. Dad hates them (I think he thinks they’re somehow related to the government, as are most things in the world of Dad) but I think they look like stately alien beings and whenever I see them, I grin.

So pretty!

So pretty!

friendly’s chicken fingers CHICKEN FINGERS ARE DELICIOUS. That’s all I have to say about that, yo. I like knowing that if there’s nothing else I’m comfortable about eating on the menu, I always have the option of chicken fingers.

I WANT ONE!

daryl dixon statue Is this really a thing? Let’s go look.

More of one of those fancy articulated action figures you’re not supposed to take out of the box than a statue, but I like that it exists. And it has a string of squirrels with it. That’s nice. Daryl’s not Daryl without a string of dead vermin.

EUPHEMISM?

eating boys puding Yeah, there’s no way this isn’t a euphemism. And a REALLY gross one, at that. (And a poorly spelled and punctuated one, too.)

I’m…sorry?

he called me rude I’m sorry. Were you BEING rude? If so, maybe stop that…if not, well, he’s an ass, and don’t waste any more time on him. (I’ve been called rude before. Sometimes it was warranted, I’m just saying. I’m kind of blunt at times. I’ve been working on that, though.)

i hate men ALL men? Are you sure? Have you met every single man on the whole planet? I just have to put in a good word for men, here. Many (MANY) of my closest friends are male. I love men. And guess what? I have lots of female friends, too. I also love women. I mean, not ALL of them. Who could love everyone they meet? But it’s such a stupid blanket statement to say “I hate men.” You don’t know all the men. You might hate SOME men. Some men may have wronged you. But you don’t hate all men. I know you don’t. So please don’t say you do. It makes my heart hurt. (And honestly? It makes you sound dim. Sorry to be mean, but it’s true.)

Don't try it. I'll throw something worse than rocks at you. Ninja stars, maybe.

Don’t try it. I’ll throw something worse than rocks back at you. Ninja stars, maybe.

i saw you unfriended me on facebook Did you? And how did that make you feeeeeeel? Please stop thinking being unfriended on Facebook is live or die, kiddos. It’s just social media. Does it hurt? Yes. Does it make you feel stupid that it hurts? Yes, again. I can only think of two unfriendings on Facebook that have ever mattered to me, and you know what I did? Talked to the people about them. I KNOW! Like, we DISCUSSED them! Like ADULTS! The rest of them? Eh. I let them go. There are a lot of reasons someone might unfriend you on Facebook, and here’s a secret you might not want to hear: it’s very seldom about you. Sometimes it’s just because they’re narrowing their friend list and you guys don’t talk much anymore and they’re no longer comfortable with you having access to their personal info. Let it go, my darling. It’s social media, not life or death. Well, most of the time.

BAD TOUCHHHH

i’m gonna do sexy things to u No one’s allowed to do sexy things to me who uses the letter “u” in the place of the word “you.” It’s a rule I have, like “always use a condom” and “never date a guy who has a Tea Party bumper sticker or Truck Nutz on his vehicle.” Also, I don’t like that you’re not ASKING, you’re TELLING. I’m not giving you PERMISSION to do sexy things to me, my text-speaking friend, so keep u-r hands to u-rself.

psst…. look over here porn video Can you even imagine a worse porn video? “Psst, look over here. IT IS MY WANG!” That’d be the worst surprise ever. Is this a thing? Like, a porn thing? A porn thing I do NOT want to know about? What if it was a clown. “Psst, look over here. I AM A CLOWN AND HERE IS MY WANG!” Oh, this is HORRIBLE.

Hee! KITTEH PORN!

Hee! KITTEH PORN!

should u use condoms with masterbater toys OK, first, that’s not spelled right at all. And second, I think you can just call them sex toys, yo. As for whether to use condoms with them…I don’t know. Your call, I suppose. Are you sharing them? You could just wash them between uses if you’re all germophobic. There’s probably advice on various sex-toy sites. Have you tried searching THERE and not HERE?

women without all clothes ALL clothes. Not even a stitch. Not even a HAT, you guys. ALL CLOTHES. Well. That’s titillating. Psst! LOOK OVER HERE!

Foreign friends!

Деиман сольваторе This is “Damon Salvatore” in Russian. I like that I have a Russian friend who likes The Vampire Diaries. Hi, Russian friend! Yes, Damon’s a pretty one. It’s a true statement. In Russian OR English. Also, look how pretty that writing is. What’s that called? Cyrillic or something? I could Google it but it’s really late and I’m sleepy.

Those EYES!

Those EYES!

мулы фото And this one is “mules photo” in Russian! OK, this means that Helper Mule is now an INTERNATIONAL SENSATION. I like that so much. Helper Mule is very happy to be popular in Russia! He gives you his finest greetings and salutations!

There you go, kiddos. Until tomorrow, when you get to see the crazytown questions that I got asked this month. Most sincerely. Are you so excited? You SHOULD be.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)


An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 27)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Here we are in September. It is officially fall as of 4:00ish on Sunday; it actually FEELS like fall now. It’s LOVELY. It’s becoming sweater-weather. It’s so cool I’ve actually had to close all but one of the windows in my place and had a shiver earlier today when I went out. I LOVE THIS. This weather is so brief every year that I have to grab it with both hands and wrestle it to the ground when it happens. I just loll around in this weather for the month or so that we have it. It’s LOVELY. *happy sigh*

So, just in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 27th one. I’ve been doing this for a LOOOONG time. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Well, that’s a rude question. Why do YOU do that…um…thing…you do? I ask you THAT, my friend! Ha HA!

This month we had a lot of nonsense and very few questions so we’re doing this all one one day, and we’re not doing categories, we’re doing one loooong list. Sometimes you gotta shake things up, kiddos. Like martinis and that thing that makes ice cream that you kick around when you go camping. Oh, and also maracas. Olé!

Are you ready for some foooootball? Or at least some foooootball search terms? Thought so. Or else why would you be here? That’d be weird.

can’t pee in this Um. Can’t pee in WHAT? There are a LOT of things you can’t pee in. Like, a LOT. The list of things you CAN pee in is like, pretty specific. Please only pee in specifically designated peeing containers. Otherwise, gross-times, you guys. We can’t all be peeing willy-nilly. It’d just be urinary chaos.

be careful bitch YOU be careful, rude. Who the hell searches such a thing? A., I hate people using this term in this sense, and B., don’t you even tell me to be careful, I’ll punch you in the uvula.

can smell banana but have no bananas in the house? ghost The best part of this? the “ghost” tacked onto the end. Weird smell of bananas? MUST be a ghost. Can’t be anything else. GHOST GHOST GHOST! (Also, total side note, but MAN do I hate the smell of bananas. The fake smell, anyway. Real bananas? Totally cool with that. But, like, banana candy, or pudding, or something? Totally makes my head start to hurt. HATE.)

OMG GAG.

OMG GAG.

criteria for unfriending facebook friends Dude, you need to set your own criteria. The interwebs can’t help you with this. You need to decide whether or not you want to unfriend people, and then, what will be the reason for that unfriending. Constant vaguebooking? Starting drama? Being that one person who writes a negative comment every time you post something? Writing weird statuses? Repeatedly putting up either photos of mutilated puppies or those “repost if you really CARE about CANCER” things? Bad grammar? See, here’s the thing. Most people don’t, I can’t imagine, anyway, unfriend anyone. The number of friends on most people’s friend lists over there is totally cuckoo-bananas. Me, if people REALLY annoy me, and I know it won’t hurt their feelings, I unfriend them. But mostly I just block all but their “important” posts. That way their feelings don’t get hurt (because I’m totally picky about who I friend, anyway) and I don’t have to have my feed all clogged up with garbage. So I’m probably seeing updates from about half of the people I’m actually friends with on Facebook. I’m totally cool with this.

facebook keeps sending me “do you know this person” of my ex Well, that’s the suck. You can block him/her, you know. Go into the block page and block them. He/she can’t see you, you can’t see them, and they won’t show up there anymore. Unless (and I suspect this is the case) you like to stalk them over there once and a while? Then don’t block them. Because you won’t be able to do that anymore. They’ll be invisible to you from then on out. (I’ve totally blocked a handful of people. I don’t want them to know I exist, and I don’t want the temptation to stalk what I can see on their pages. You know that “peek not at a keyhole, lest ye be vexed” saying? I try VERY HARD to live my life by this. I have never in my life peeked at something I shouldn’t and left happy and fulfilled. Sometimes I can’t stop my curiosity…and then I always hate myself for it. So I try very, very hard not to even look. There’s a reason I avoid these people, and it’s because they emit a poison cloud of hatred that upsets me for DAYS.)

filling sex doll with water Um. I don’t…this seems like a terrible, terrible idea? I don’t think that’s what they’re for. They’re not squirt guns. (Heh. That’s a very good euphemism for a sex doll.) I would think you’d fill it with water, then you’d be pumping away and it’d be sloshing and then…well, there’d be a flood, and not the kind you wanted when you started up with your squishy water-logged sex doll. Cut that out, weirdo, you’re just going to lose your security deposit.

Here's a sex doll under a tablecloth that looks shocked. YOU ARE WELCOME!

Here’s a sex doll under a tablecloth that looks shocked. YOU ARE WELCOME!

free erotic stories from georgian to victorian era girls tricked into bawdy houses Hee, “bawdy houses.” And goodness gracious, you wouldn’t want to PAY for this type of super-classy erotica! I have to say I like how specific this is. This person knows EXACTLY what turns ’em on, and nothing else will do. You go, buddy, you go.

gender roles in the owl and the pussycat Well, THIS is a classier search than I usually get. I feel like this person made a HUGE mistake. I just re-read “The Owl and the Pussycat” and there aren’t really gender roles to talk about. I think (but am not sure) that the Owl is the male and the Pussycat is the female. They get married (which is odd, but I do love a good interspecies friendship) and part of their wedding feast is eaten from a “runcible spoon” which is a VERY good phrase. I suppose if you wanted to get all gender-roley about it you COULD, but it’d be a stretch. But anything’s possible, my friends, if you only BELIEVE.

guy i like on people you may know Aw, this is adorable. If you like him, SEND HIM A FRIEND REQUEST, dummy. This is not difficult. I know. Romance is a scary wasteland of killer clowns and nightmare times, but sometimes you have to take the plunge. Then you usually get water all up your nose and say never again, but at least you tried. AT LEAST YOU TRIED!

i’m calm one second but i get a panic attack the next, what’s wrong with me You probably have anxiety? Go talk to your doctor. They’ll probably give you pills. There are SO MANY PILLS for this now. I don’t know if they work, but I have friends that assure me they do. Go talk to someone, my precious popover, don’t live like that. I tell you from experience? Not at all a way to live.

is amy a name for ecstasy Good grief, I hope not. According to a very weird site I found online that seems to be for parents checking up on their kids and is written like a narc wrote it, the nicknames are: X, E, XTC, Adam, Beans, Candy, Dancing Shoes, Disco Biscuits, Doves, E-bomb, Egg Rolls, Happy Pill, Hug Drug, Love Drug, Malcolm (or Malcolm X), Scooby Snacks, Smartees, Sweets, Skittles, Thizz, Vitamin E or Vitamin X, and Vowels. THESE ARE TOO MANY NAMES. Man, am I glad when I was a kid pretty much you smoked weed and that was it. And the only nickname for it was, well, “weed.” Also, I totally want to walk up to some kid and be all, “Hey, kiddo, got any Disco Biscuits?” and watch them laugh themselves into a hernia.

OMG I FOUND SOME DISCO BISCUITS. These look like Flintstones vitamins.

OMG I FOUND SOME DISCO BISCUITS. These look like Flintstones vitamins.

love ignores common sesne SESNE! Sesne is a very good word. And, yes. Love totally ignores common sesne. All the damn time. Love tells you all KINDS of stupid things, and, even worse? YOU LISTEN TO THEM. And think they’re NORMAL. It’s ridiculous, love is. But, much like Disco Biscuits, it keeps you coming back for more. Damn that Love Drug.

meangirls milking I like to imagine this. These mean girls milking all roughly and rolling their eyes and stomping around. “UGH, MILKING, IT IS THE WORST.” What I CAN’T imagine is why someone would search such a thing, and then I think “it is probably about porn” and I get the shivers.

This is the meanest girl I could find. Also, don't even Google search "milkmaid," 'cause it's all porn, yo.

This is the meanest girl I could find. Also, don’t even Google search “milkmaid,” ’cause it’s all porn, yo.

minions ooh ahh Hee! OOH AHH! I think this is about the minions from Despicable Me? I love those minions. I loved the whole damn movie, but those minions, man. They were ADORABLE. I want some minions. I would be nice to them and they could bring me cake and beverages and play with Dumbcat!

I WANT ONE!

I WANT ONE!

never trust a man named… Named WHAT? This is totally curious. I wouldn’t trust a guy named Stabby. Or Stinky. Or probably One-Armed Jimbo the Murderin’ Hobo. But otherwise, it’s not fair to judge a man based on his name. It’s not his fault he has that name. It’s his parents’ fault. I mean, I didn’t want to be Amy, but it’s not like my parents waited until I was old enough to decide for myself. That’s not a thing that can happen. What would you call your kid while you waited, Blob? Unnamed Thingy? No. You can’t do that.

nude penisman from hot continent pics PENISMAN! Not JUST a penisman. A NUDE one! Well, that’s the best kind, really. And from a hot continent! No need for anyone from Greenland to apply for this position, no no no!

oh ja das ist gut so Well, this is handy, because I can translate like three things in German, and this is one of them. So yes, this is good. This is VERY good, my lost German friend. Danke schön.

silence is the same as lying Well, I suppose in some cases it is. But sometimes it’s just silence. Don’t read too much into shit, you know? Sometimes it’s just being tactful, and sometimes it’s just not saying things because you know it’s for the best to keep them in your secret heart. It’s not always lying. It’s sometimes just silence for the best of the silence. I’m a big proponent of not lying, if I can help it. However, I’m a big proponent of tactful silence.

sylar’s look Do we think this means his OVERALL look, or like his GLOWERING SEXY look? Both are Amy-approved.

SIGH. Even when this show got stupid, I kept watching it for Sylar.

SIGH. Even when this show got stupid, I kept watching it for Sylar.

the langoliers cousin balki gets eaten OMG THIS IS TOTALLY WHAT I CALL THIS MOVIE. No, sincerely. I call it “The Langoliers. You know, where Cousin Balki gets eaten by balls of gnashy teeth and hair in the sky.” (This movie made me laugh so hard I almost peed.)

LOOK OUT COUSIN BALKI! HERE COME THE BALLS OF TEETH AND HAIR!

LOOK OUT COUSIN BALKI! HERE COME THE BALLS OF TEETH AND HAIR! IT IS NOT TIME TO DO THE DANCE OF JOY!

this is totally insane why can’t i will how long do i have to search YES YES YES. Best search term EVER. This is a search term by someone who is SO FRUSTRATED BY GOOGLE that instead of searching, they just TYPED THEIR FRUSTRATION INTO THE SEARCH BOX. This is awesome. Sincerely awesome. I love it the most.

what does it mean when you cry, scream and go off at people for no reason and sometimes go for walks far away and just sit there and cry and you feel like everyone’s out to get you Oh. Um. I think it means you need to get some help? It could be a lot of things, hon. Like, a whole list of mental illnesses. You need to talk to someone. Please do that. Don’t waste time searching it in Google. Go talk to your GP, and they’ll either refer you to someone else, or they’ll give you some medication. Sincerely. Do this for yourself, ok? I know how hard it is to live with a head that feels like it’s full of bees.

what people think about autumn Well, the very best people love it. Like, LOVE it. Revel in it. Just twirl around all energized by the cool weather and the smell of burning leaves and the scent of winter just on the horizon. I couldn’t love this time of year more if I tried. It makes me so happy. I suppose there are some people that hate it because it means it’s almost time for winter or whatever, but for me? This is utter perfection.

Sigh. This is my time of year. Just for me.

Sigh. This is my time of year. Just for me.

when you block people on facebook but keep mutual friends OK. I’ll explain this again. If you block someone on Facebook, they can’t see you and you can’t see them. I believe they can still see you if you still play games together, or in certain apps, but elsewhere, it’s like the two of you don’t exist to one another. You can hold a conversation on a mutual friend’s page, and to the person you blocked, it looks like that person is talking to him- or herself. You are INVISIBLE to each other. It is how blocking works. It is your only option when you want to stay on Facebook but you can’t deal with seeing someone on there who is purely evil. Like, if evil blood runs through their evil veins. I mean. Hypothetically. Of course. Not that I know anyone like this. Ahem.

why is telling you what to do and what to wear bullying? Is this a serious question? If someone’s telling you what to do and what to wear, they’re ignoring you, and your feelings, and what you want. They’re bullying you into doing what they think is best, either for you, or for them, or just on a whim or whatever the hell. No one has the right to tell you what to do and what to wear unless you’re in something like military school. Or they’re your parents, I suppose, and you’re underage. Tell the bullies to back the hell off; do and wear what YOU like. I insist. As someone who WAS bullied, I absolutely insist. It’s time we send the bullies back to the dark corners where they belong.

There you go, my candy corn cupcakes. (By the way, were you aware that Reese’s pumpkins are back on the shelves? YOU ARE WELCOME. Go nom. Your mouth will thank you. Unless you’re allergic to peanuts. Then probably don’t do that. Or you will die to death.)

SIGH SIGH SIGH

SIGH SIGH SIGH

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)


Well, could I have her spam, instead of the baked beans, then?

Humor me, just for a minute, ok?

This is only going to work if you’re reading this post on my blog. So if you’re reading this via email, or in a reader, you’re going to have to do me a solid and click through to my blog. I KNOW. I AM SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS.

“Aaaaaamy, it’s SAAAAAAAATURDAY, I don’t WAAAAAANT to.” Urgh, just HUMOR me.

OK, so you’re here. Scroll on down to the bottom. Ooh and aah over Andreas’ pretty blog redesign while you’re there, no one’s stopping you.

Are you there? Awesome. Right there in the middle. See that? See my follower count?

2,336 followers. (Well, that’s what it is NOW. Who knows what it’ll be when you read this, at the rate things are going.)

Now, if you’re new to blogging, or maybe not a blogger, this probably seems pretty spiffy. And if you’d told me when I started blogging I’d have that many followers? I’d totally have laughed at you. I was thinking the other day how funny the idea of blogging would have been to the me I was ten years ago, and how, if now-me went back and talked to then-me and told her what I’m up to, then-me would tell now-me she was a crazypants. She’d admire her kicky new glasses, though.

Now, you can break this statistic down further, if you get behind-the-scenes in the dashboard. I’m not supposed to show you this, probably. This is probably breaking all kinds of blogger rules.

Eh, don’t care.

Now, first I added these all together and didn’t get the 2,336 and was all WHAAAA? but then I realized they’re not counting the comment followers so that’s alright.

As you can see, I don’t care about Tumblr enough (I know, I suck, I really only use it to post blog posts and never, ever click over there, Tumblr has always confused the everloving hell out of me) and probably I should use my blog Facebook page more (listen, there are only so many hours in a day, people, I do what I can.) Twitter’s ok, even though I’ve been really terrible at the Twitterz lately. I keep saying I’ll go back eventually. It never seems to happen. I HAVE NOT YET GIVEN UP HOPE, HOWEVER!

The blog-follower count looks nice, though, right? Impressive? Look at all my readers! I’m like a legitimate blogger!

Well, no. Not really. And let me tell you why.

That follower count?

About 75% of those people are spammers.

It’s a dirty little secret WordPress doesn’t want you all to know. Or doesn’t CARE if you know, actually; they’re doing nothing, absolutely nothing, about it.

How do I know they’re spam followers? Well, I’ve clicked through to their blogs. Or, at least I used to, before I started getting probably ten of them a day and I just got tired of it. Some don’t have blogs, just Gravatars with shady non-name names. Some have blogs, but with only one post, and it’s in really broken English. Some have blogs with just reblogs. Some have blank blogs. Some have blogs with links to things like “free vacations now” or “iPad giveaway.” sj had one the other day with posts about boxes. No, not the euphemistic kind, which would kind of be an awesome, if porny, blog. Cardboard boxes. Posts like “Boxes vs. Cartons.” Because THAT’S a real blog. (Side note: it wasn’t.)

ZOMG SO COMPELLING BOTH CARTONS *AND* BOXES YOU GUYZZZZZ!

ZOMG SO COMPELLING BOTH CARTONS *AND* BOXES YOU GUYZZZZZ!

I’ve tromped with my kickass Doc Martens all through the forums trying to find out a why, and a how, and a WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO ABOUT THIS, and the answer, per WordPress?

“Meh.”

There’s no option to delete spam followers, once they’ve chosen you to target. (And it seems they’ve chosen all of us to target.) WordPress says they’re “looking into why spammers have increased lately.” These threads go back to April, and that’s when I started seeing the spammers – March/April.

WordPress also added the option to “like” a post straight from the Reader not too long ago, when they updated the Reader, which means you get likes on your posts IMMEDIATELY upon publication. Well, if you only published a photo, there’s a possibility a like happened that quickly. But if you write at length as much as I do, odds that someone named “trueerectionpillz4u” read and liked my 2,000 word post in .0005 seconds are pretty slim.

WordPress doesn’t seem to think this is a problem. And I suppose, for them, it’s not. It inflates their user count. They can then use that user count to sell ads, to recruit new bloggers, etc. And some of the new bloggers (me, for example) pay for this service, so they make money from us. No, these spam followers aren’t a problem for WordPress.

And, technically, they’re not really a problem for us bloggers, are they? Not really. They aren’t DOING anything there. Sometimes they randomly reblog our content on their shady blogs, and their weird Gravatars show up in our likes, and they’re there inflating our follower counts, making us look fancy and popular. And who doesn’t like to be popular, am I right? I mean, when I started blogging, I’d look at that follower count on other blogger’s blogs and think, whoa, THIS person knows what’s up.

But they’re lies. That follower count is lies. Most of our followers aren’t real people; they’re not reading our content. They’re not interacting with us. They’re just kind of…there. Weirdly lurking. Sometimes they hit “like,” which I assume they think maybe would get someone to click their spammy blog. Sometimes they don’t do ANYTHING. And that’s a little disconcerting, isn’t it? It’s like having this weird silent army stalking you all the time. You don’t know what the hell they WANT.

Now, WordPress has been oh-so-helpful in telling us that we can report each and every one of these spammers to them, they’ll “look into it” and “maybe delete the accounts.” Well, if it was just one or two spammers, fine. But who the hell has the free time to check up on, and report, probably 700 or so fake bloggers? And why is it MY job to do this? Shouldn’t these people have to prove they’re not spammers on WordPress’ end?

Another end result of this? Some of you new followers, who very well MIGHT be real people? Well, I wouldn’t know. Because I no longer have the time to weed through all the spam to get to the real blogs. So I might be missing some awesome new blogs I should be reading. I WOULDN’T KNOW. I used to be able to check out all the new blogs that followed me, and now I can’t do that. So, new bloggers, if you ARE a real blog, say hi. Comment, or say hi on Twitter, or send me an email. SOMETHING. I can’t promise I’ll follow your blog – I read a LOT of blogs, and my time gets more and more limited daily – but I can promise if you’re a real blogger, and not a creature made of spam, I’ll at least check you out.

I’ve also stopped following other blogs in the WordPress reader. I used to do a courtesy follow every time I followed a WordPress blog. Why courtesy follow? Well, I hate the WordPress reader. I refuse to use it. So I use an alternate reader. (Feedly, if you must know – it’s no Google Reader, but nothing is. Sigh.) But I *used* to click the “follow” button on any WordPress blog I was following in my reader; that way, the blogger knew I was following them, and maybe they’d return the favor, and we could all go ’round the mulberry bush. NOT A EUPHEMISM. I don’t bother anymore. I assume most WordPress bloggers aren’t bothering to even check out new followers anymore, so why should I do the extra step? I follow on the sly; if I like the blog and have extra time and feel I have something worthwhile to say and am not too daunted, I comment, and then they know I’m reading, I suppose.

What’s the solution to this? Well, there isn’t one. Not until WordPress creates one for us – and they’ve shown no interest in doing that whatsoever. And like I said, this really shouldn’t bother me. And I know I’m kind of biting the hand that feeds me by even blogging about it here – WordPress doesn’t like you to complain about them on their own service. (Or at all, actually. Too many complaints, I’ve noticed, they stop responding to you in the forums, or their most vocal volunteer, whose name I won’t mention but I’d be willing to bet anyone who’s come in contact with this person knows EXACTLY who I’m talking about – will snark at you, seemingly in the hopes of making you…I don’t know, quit asking for help? Quit WordPress? I’m not really sure.)

(Side note: as I was writing this, I just got another spam follower. Don’t think I didn’t note the irony. I’m like a magnet for such things.)

So, you either move to Blogger (terrible service, terrible functionality) or you self-host (and lose the community you have on WordPress, because there really are real people in there, among the spammers) or…you, I don’t know, go to LiveJournal? Start writing furiously in notebooks and taking photos of the pages and putting them up on Instagram? Your options, they are somewhat limited, friends. WordPress is by far the best blogging platform, and they know it. And when you’re at the top of the food chain, you don’t have to listen to the little guys saying “help, help, I’m being oppressed,” now, do you?

I don’t have an answer for you. I don’t have anything. I just have a huge cloud of spammers following my blog, is all. Like gnats. Like pesty, pesky gnats. I’d ask them to stop following me, but we all know they’re not reading these posts, so there’s no point.

I can tell you, based on the way this, and many other things, have been handled, if another comparable blogging option ever opens up, I’d be one of the first ones to jump ship. Hell, it’s either that or the random scribbling in notebooks.

Which, sometimes, seem like a very good option.

Shoo. Shoo, spammers. Shoo.


An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 26)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Welcome to August! (And almost welcome to September, because MAN did I put this off til late. Whoo!) I am very excited about the end of summer. Fall means the onset of sweaters and cooler days and crunchy leaves and that smell of burning and decay and the onset of winter. Fall is my favorite. Fall makes me feel so invigorated and alive and filled with infinite hope. I know you’re supposed to feel like that in the spring. I’ve never been what you’d call “regular.” I deal with it.

So, just in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the twenty-sixth one. That’s a lot. Eventually, if I keep this up, these posts will be OLDER THAN ME. And I’m pretty old. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? I’m easily amused by nonsense, I suppose. Some people like religion, I like nonsense. It’s my thing, yo.

So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups, except for those of you who get your OWN SECTION. Now, don’t go thinking those of you in your own section are special. NO ONE IS MORE SPECIAL THAN ANYONE ELSE. You’re all special snowflakes. Revel in your specialness. REVEL, I SAID!

So here we go. This month’s searches ran the gamut from odd to weird back to odd and then a little funny, then right on back to odd again. Just as I like it.

Category the First: This is very good advice, John. Listen up.

“don’t do things that will kill you” john bytheway  

My favorite part of this: the “by the way.” Hey, John, BYTHEWAY, stop being an asshat and DON’T BE KILLY TO YOURSELF. Sheesh. Stop touching electric fences with your TONGUE, John, bytheway, and also STOP PULLING THE MASK OFF THE OLD LONE RANGER, bytheway! You’re really a danger to yourself, John, bytheway.

(I used to love someone named John. He was beautiful, but not at all right for me. But so, so pretty. Sigh.)

Category the Second: I’m totally an expert on this, yo.

“thyroids levels and “calcium”  
armour thyroid saved my life      

Here’s how my doctor explained it: you have this thing called the parathyroid attached to your thyroid. Your parathyroid metabolizes your calcium. In some thyroidectomies, they’re able to save the parathyroid; in some, it just dies off. In mine, it died off. If I don’t want to be a stooped old woman when I get old, I need to take mega-calcium supplements daily, eat lots of calcium-rich foods, and get my calcium levels checked regularly to make sure I’m doing a good enough job. It’s not work for the faint of heart. Luckily, cheese is calciumy. YUM CHEESE.

I don’t use Armour Thyroid. That’s the brand-name thyroid medication. It’s EXPENSIVE. I use generic synthroid or some such shit. It’s like $5 a month. Works fine. I’m all about generic medication. But when I first had to get thyroud medication, my roommate was researching it and she was all “AMY. Get Armour Thyroid. THAT IS THE BEST NAME FOR A MEDICATION EVER. Your thyroid! It will be like from MEDIEVAL TIMES!” and I laughed SO HARD. She’s the best, C. is. But, yes. It will save your life. If you need thyroid meds, you’d better take them, or things start to get weird. I forgot mine when I went on vacation once and was all, “I can do without these!” and NO NO CHARLIE. I ended up having to go to the ER for an emergency refill because THINGS WERE GETTING WOBBLY.

Category the Third: Sigh. Yes. Yes, I am going to get Facebook searches til I die.

a guy from my childhood is appearing in friends you may know on fb      
all kind of women showing as people you might know on fb        
how can i tell if someone unfriended me on facebook or canceled facebook?     
how long does a people you may know keep people who searched you                
how to know, how too much person to open my profile in facebook       
letter of requesting facebook friendship               
what should be done if the people u may know have disappeared           

These are a LOT of questions. I will do my best to answer them. But listen, you GUYS, these are not IMPORTANT. You’re stressing over NOTHING.

Yes. People from your childhood SHOULD show up in your “people you may know.” As you MAY KNOW HIM. You DO know him. What, exactly, is confusing you about this? IT MEANS FACEBOOK IS WORKING CORRECTLY FOR ONCE.

All kind of women, huh? Good job, ladykiller. Big ones, small ones, tall ones, short ones, I assume? Well, send ’em friend requests, if you want, I don’t know what to tell you, here.

You can tell if someone unfriended you if you used to be friends and you go to their page and it says “add friend” on it. You can tell if someone BLOCKED you if you used to be friends with them, they’re not on your friend list anymore, and you search for them but they’re no longer on Facebook, but you ask your friend Myrna (I assume you have a friend Myrna; doesn’t everyone?) “Are you still friends with Joe Unfriendly?” and she says yes. That means Joe Unfriendly blocked your ass so you can’t see that he even has a page anymore. You can tell if someone deleted Facebook if he/she has disappeared from ALL your mutual friends, no one knows what happened, and you see them skulking around town and you’re all “Sad Sam, what’s up, we’re no longer Facebook friends?” and he’s like “I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID FACEBOOK FAAAAACE!” and runs off sobbing.

Your grammar is atrocious, darling, but I think you think the “people you may know” is people who’ve searched for you. Which is not the case. The people I may know right now are my cousin’s new boyfriend, one of my college’s crush’s (that came across terribly – a boy I had a crush on in college, and there were more than one of them) family members, and a random friend of my brother’s. None of these people were searching for me. Why the hell would they be? Those people in your sidebar are there because Facebook is weird. That’s all. Stop overthinking (and maybe take a grammar brushup class.)

Again, TERRIBLE GRAMMAR. Are you asking how you know if too many people have opened your Facebook profile? What’s too many? And you don’t have any control over that. Lock it down; make everything you can on it invisible (if you do it right, pretty much all people can see is your name, your cover photo, and your profile picture) and let it go. If that STILL bothers you…deactivate your Facebook. That’s the way it WORKS, you see. ANYONE CAN SEE YOUR PAGE. Unless you block specific people. That’s just how it IS.

Are you asking how to write a letter requesting Facebook friendship? Here’s a tip: no one cares. I thought people took it more seriously when I started. I’d friend request them and send them these nice “OMG! How have you BEEN?” private messages. Which were mostly ignored. NO ONE CARES. They either accepted or ignored my requests. Facebook isn’t life or death, even though sometimes it seems like it. I know. It’s a shocker.

What should be done if your people you may know disappear? Well, from my searches, it seems most people WANT that to happen…so you should PROBABLY rejoice, is my thought.

Category the Fourth: Odd

america airport “people are so fat”          
are you obsessed with spencer reid quiz               
cat face teeth    
forced boob job sissy hypno       
halloween “eats a little girl”         
mr rogers neighborhood lesbian sweaty               
narrative on the best news i ever received          

Are American people ONLY so fat in the airport? Are they not fat on, say, the sidewalk, or perhaps in an elevator?

OMG, now I need to find this quiz and take it. DAMMIT. This isn’t even a thing. I AM SO HEARTBROKEN RIGHT NOW. I would obviously have been VERY obsessed with Spencer Reid. I would have WON this quiz.

Cat face teeth? The hell?

Here are Dumbcat’s teeth, are you happy with this?

He HATED that I touched his face. He's giving me such a look of "yu betrayed mee, Momme."

He HATED that I touched his face. He’s giving me such a look of “yu betrayed mee, Momme.”

I don’t even…forced boob job, and ALSO sissy hypno. There are a lot of things here. SO MANY THINGS. I’ll let you guys decide what’s up. I haven’t a guess.

Does the holiday itself eat a little girl? That seems improbable.

I watched a lot of Mr. Rogers, and I’m quite certain there were no sweaty lesbians involved. Was there another version of Mr. Rogers I’m not aware of? Wait, no. Don’t even tell me. I don’t want you to ruin my childhood memories. I have so few good ones.

How the hell could I write YOU a narrative on the best news YOU ever received? And I’m not writing you a narrative on the best news I’ve ever received, because it’s none of your business, is why. This is a weird search. Are you trying to cheat on homework? You are, aren’t you?

Category the Fifth: You are always welcome to search for this here. ALWAYS.

biology sneaky fucker frog           

I will never fail to rejoice when someone searches for sneaky fuckery here. I am very proud of Sneaky Fucker week. I always will be. Please always feel free to check out sneaky fuckery here. I’ll meet you with cookies and perhaps fruit punch and a comfortable chair.

Category the Sixth: Ha! I will NOT!

don’t make me get my pan flute      

     

OMG. I will NOT make you get your pan flute, Zamfir! Please don’t torment me thus!

Category the Seventh: It’ll do that.

fox news ruined my dad

It’s made mine a little hard to deal with, as well. I’m not saying I don’t love him. I do. Very much. But every single conversation contains a variant of “PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE RUINING MERKA! I SAW IT ON THE NEWS! THE REAL NEWS!” and I have to sigh and say “Oh, Dad. Oh, Dad, Dad, Dad. Maybe you should start watching something less angrymaking.”

Fox News puts things on the air that upset people who think they’re the gospel truth; they do this for ratings. Fox News, to me, is just about the lowest of the low, and they utterly disgust me. I don’t say this lightly. Not at all.

Category the Eighth: Hee!

happy nude reindeers
porno crushing her ovariez
she stalking in her sleep it’s keeping me awake
she won’t leave me alone “at work”
short story about demons in hell laugh kookaburra
that cruel joke called life
you half crazed wombat

Aren’t all reindeer nude? I mean, they don’t wear little footie pajamas, or something. Although that’d be HILARIOUS. Also, the plural of reindeer is just, well, reindeer. And I find that all reindeer are happy. Just because they’re reindeer. Andreas says I will not get to see reindeer when I visit him. This is a sadness. I do so like reindeer.

THIS IS ONE HAPPY REINDEER!

THIS IS ONE HAPPY REINDEER!

OVARIEZ! Those are like ovaries, only more badass. Because of the z. Do you want to WATCH a porno about crushing someone’s ovaries – sorry, OVARIEZ? Or DID a porno crush someone’s OVARIEZ, like, it was on someone’s ovary-area and it was just a super-heavy DVD or something and CRUSH? This is odd. And also, I know men like to think “I AM SO HUGE I AM AN OVARY CRUSHER!” but…um…do you have the most basic idea of how anatomy works? You’re not going to be crushing ovaries, my darling. It is not a thing you will be doing. Not even a little bit. I guarantee you this. They’re not even near where you put…nevermind. I’m sad you don’t know this, and sad you think you’re so megamassiveginormous you’re going to, I don’t know, core a lady like an apple, or something.

I like the idea of someone stalking in her sleep. All peeping in windows but not remembering it in the morning. If someone stalks in her sleep, does it make a sound? Also, if someone’s stalking in her sleep, how is it keeping you awake? (You know it’s “talking,” right? OK. Cool. I think I like your version better, though.)

She won’t leave you alone “at work,” huh? What about “at home” or “in the grocery store?” She doesn’t bother you there? Well, I’d talk to “HR,” then, so she’ll “stop messing with your TPS reports.” “You’re welcome.”

Are you looking for a short story about a demon in hell and a kookaburra laughing? Because now it’s all I want to read. Someone write me one of those. That’d be good, I think.

OMG THAT CRUEL JOKE CALLED LIFE! DOOM! GLOOOOOM! Listen, sweet potato, sometimes life seems terrible? But there’s a lot of beauty in there. Just look. And once you learn how to see it – and I assure you, it’s everywhere – you’ll start seeing it more and more. It’ll be in the smallest things – the curve of a tree branch, a quick smile on the face of someone you love, a peal of laughter from a distance, a particularly lovely turn of phrase, a bird shadowed against a still blue sky. Life may well be cruel at times, but for all the cruelty, we’re given a lot of beauty to make it bearable. You just have to know how to look.

I’m so going to start calling people “you half-crazed wombat!” as an insult. It’s going to be my new thing. Look out, world!

This one looks a little crazed! Would you say half-crazed? Perhaps.

This one looks a little crazed! Would you say half-crazed? Perhaps.

Category the Ninth: Oh, what’s this? I want to know about this, please.

meme still waiting lloyd dobler  

Oh, this needs to be a meme. Is this a meme? I’m going to go search RIGHT NOW.

No. It seems it is not a thing. But this is, and this is CORRECT.

I don’t want a regular guy. I want the boy with the boombox and the trenchcoat. I have since 1989. I keep waiting for him to show up. He won’t look like Lloyd Dobler, when he does? But he’ll have a Lloyd Dobler heart. That’ll be enough.

Category the Tenth: Andreas, what’s going on in your land of Finns, exactly?

go nude finland                
miss nude finland      

Andreas, why so many nudity-related Finland searches this month? Is this something I need to know about before I visit next year? Listen, I think you’re peachy but I’m not down with walking around naked. I like clothes on my body, yo.

Category the Eleventh: Welcome, my friends from foreign lands!

лодка-трансформер         (boat-transformer in Russian!)
وقت النوم كرتون              (bedtime cardboard in Arabic!)

I LOVE FOREIGN SEARCHES! They make me feel SO COSMOPOLITAN. These are total keepers, too. Boat-transformer and BEDTIME CARDBOARD! I don’t know what they mean, and have NO IDEA why they brought people HERE, but I am DELIGHTING in them!

There you go, my most precious pumpkins. All the search terms! Enjoy. WALLOW in them. Just utterly SQUISH your TOES in them.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)


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