I am home from retreating. Sometimes, the best part of going away is coming home. I am comfy on my couch with a VERY relieved Dumbcat hugging my leg in a very “ZOMG DO NOT EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN, MOM” way and DUDE, I was only gone for 28 hours, YOU CAN HANDLE THIS. Silly boy. I’m predicting a night of the cat sleeping wrapped around my face like one of those facehugger alien thingies, only furrier and a lot more likely to give me hairballs.
Things I learned at the retreat:
- I am terrible at retreats
- At one point, I was the person in a group with the “weirdest hobby” and that hobby was writing, which I guess is weird
- Huh, I had no idea that was weird
- I guess I’ve been weird for a really, really long time
- Like, longer than I even KNEW I was weird
- People really, really dig free alcohol at work functions
- Like, more than you could possibly imagine
- I’m completely serious, as in, to the point of falling and vomiting and screaming until 3am
- It is very hard to sleep when the walls of your hotel room are thin and people are drunk-screaming til 3am
- You can take a shower, but you still hear the screaming over the shower water
- Even though I am terrible at work retreats, my team still won “most creative presentation” and I totally won team MVP
- Are you cheering for me right now? Maybe you didn’t hear me. I WAS VOTED TEAM MVP. This is super-impressive, right? Right.
- There were improv games, but no trust falls
- Although people did fall, but because of drunkenness, not trustfulness, although I suppose drunkenness is a KIND of trustfulness
- The food was supposed to be award-winning, but we wondered if the prize it won was the booby prize
- Except the desserts, the desserts rocked our worlds like hardcore
- If you watch Silver Linings Playbook because you don’t want to go to the drunken bacchanal bonfire you will cry all over your face
- Seriously, how is Jennifer Lawrence so damn luminescent
- Also, Bradley Cooper has the prettiest eyes ever
- Once you’ve cried all over your face and you leave your room people think you’ve been having a nervous breakdown
- Just ignore them, they’re all drunk anyway
- And then the next day when they’re all green and swaying in the breakfast room you can eat your bacon all obnoxiously to see if you can make them vomit
- Because secretly you are kind of evil
- And that’s really ok
- Because, as mentioned, it is obnoxious to keep people up until 3am by screaming in the lobby
- Especially when you are at a work retreat and not at Cabo on Spring Break
- The food for our final meal was bean quesadillas and bean soup and slaw and those are all heavily geared toward gas production so we decided to skip lunch because that’d be one long car-ride of farty
- I’m telling you, people. FARTY. No one likes that.
These are all important things to have learned, right? What’s that? They’re not what I was there to learn?
Sorry, work retreat.
I am totally the worst.