Category Archives: weddings

My Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades (Which Also Protect Me From Seeing Gross Bestiality)

First, I think it bears notice that yesterday, when I stated that I thought the crazy menagerie guy in Ohio freed his animals and then killed himself but that I see conspiracies everywhere so not to pay attention to me, that bit of news had not yet been released, so you totally SHOULD have paid attention to me. And since I was in New York at the time and therefore have an alibi and could not be complicit in the crime, the only thing to assume is that I am totally psychic and that I should be working with the police to solve crimes like on Medium, but I only watched one episode of that show, so I don’t really know how it worked because the one episode I watched seemed really stupid. So police! I will totally solve your crimes for you with my new-found psychic abilities, if you want, but with the following caveat: I probably will almost always be wrong. I will, however, expect to be paid a lot of money each time, no matter what the outcome is. Oh, and also I would like a drug-sniffing dog sidekick. Not because I think there will be drugs, just because I like dogs and don’t have one of my own, so it would be nice to have one at work. I request a pit bull, please. His name should be Mack and he should be gold with a white spot over one eye and two different colored eyes and also white socks on three of his feet and white on the tip of his tail. It is ok if sometimes he wears a kicky bandanna. Also snacks will need to be provided, for both myself and Mack. Happy to help, of course. 

Second, Kickass McGee’s third day of wedding advice! I bet you thought I forgot. Nope. Just got caught up in the other post which was wicked-ass long and engrossing. Did I just go a little Maine there? I don’t know what that was all about. Weird. 

Anyway, today’s tip: Don’t bring your bestiality videos to the wedding. 

From Forever Wed

From Reuters, March 15, 1994: 

WEDDING GUESTS SEE BESTIALITY VIDEO BY MISTAKE 

A British man was found guilty on Tuesday of having sex with a dog after a video he made of the act was inadvertently shown to speechless wedding guests expecting to see a replay of a marriage ceremony. 

The 59-year-old lent his video recorder to a friend to film the wedding, but forgot to erase from the tape scenes of himself in sex acts with a neighbour’s bull terrier named Ronnie. 

The man said the 10-minute film shown to the jury had been an attempt at trick photography and featured only simulated sex acts. He will be sentenced after psychiatric and other reports have been made available. 

I…I don’t even have any smart remarks about this, honestly. This is just…um…well, I guess the best thing I can say about this is, by the spelling, it happened in Britain or Canada, probably? So it wasn’t an American? 

I also enjoy that he was all “It was a JOKE, you guys! I only PRETENDED to screw the pooch! Get it! Screw the pooch? WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING?????” Too late, Good-Time Charlie.

THIS IS HORRENDOUS, you guys. I am SO SORRY. Kickass McGee, I know, this is probably not at ALL what you want to be reading two days before you get married because now you’re worried one of your friends is probably doing the dog WITH a dog and that’s just an added worry. But I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD BE AWARE. 

Oh, also, I have been informed that these helpful wedding tips are a sure-fire way to get me onto a show called My Fair Wedding which I have never watched but it’s on the WE network which is also the Bridezillas network so how can it be bad? So listen, My Fair Wedding people, I am HAPPY to be on your show giving helpful tips like “don’t invite over kookaburras” and “look out for dog sex” if you want me. I think it’s an important service and how could I deny brides this on their important day? What kind of a person would do THAT I ask you?


Beautiful Ohio, thy wonders are in view; land where my dreams all come true!

There is some weird shit going down in Ohio today.

Ohio, you say? Whatever could be going on in Ohio? Ohio is such an innocuous state! Their motto is “With God All Things Are Possible!” I mean, really! What could POSSIBLY be happening in such a God-fearing state, home of the Wright brothers, where the state insect is the cheery ladybug, the state flower is the most benign flower known to man, the carnation, and the state song is “Beautiful Ohio,” for the love of Cincinnati?

Well, an entire jungle menagerie is on the loose, how about THAT.

Here’s the scoop. Yesterday, around 5:30pm, people started calling the Zanesville, Ohio, police department and saying there were wild animals roaming around the highway. Now, if I was a police officer and I got that call, I’d think, hmm, probably a deer, or maybe a coyote, or something.

Nope. Not in Ohio!

Lions, tigers, cheetahs, wolves, giraffes, camels, and bears.

Now, what happened, you might ask? Was there a mass prison break at a zoo? Did a circus train go off the tracks?

NO ONE KNOWS.

Well, KIND OF. We KIND OF know. Here’s the thing. OHIO SUCKS WHEN IT COMES TO REGULATIONS ON WILD ANIMALS. So this weird rich guy, Terry Thompson, who just got out of jail on weapons charges or something, decided to randomly start a wild animal preserve. He gathered up the animals listed above (as well as at least a few others that were housepets – the only ones listed were orangutans and chimps, but “other severely wild animals” are mentioned, which is worrisome, what were they, honey badgers? Wolverines?) and started his own little personal menagerie.

AND OHIO DIDN’T CARE.

Nope! Not Ohio! With God, all things are possible in Ohio! Even owning your own personal zoo! Not a single law stopping you, in Ohio!

So sometime between Monday and Tuesday, Mr. Thompson died. It hasn’t been released how. I’m really hoping his face was eaten by one of his own animals because I hate animal hoarders. And SOMEHOW all of the cages of all of those animals got opened. Either this is a finely-orchestrated plot by a really intelligent member of the menagerie (coughhoneybadgercough) or Mr. Thompson decided to kill himself and his last action was to free his animals. Who knows. I see conspiracy theories on Sesame Street (Oscar is OBVIOUSLY the most intelligent denizen of that street so of COURSE the MAN marginalizes him by making him live in a GARBAGE CAN) so I wouldn’t take much of what I say too seriously, people.

The police began shooting the animals on sight last night. Jack Hanna was called in to help, but I don’t know how much help he’ll be at this point. I mean, these are wild animals running away from people with guns. Jack Hanna deals with cuddly things that pee on his shirt on Letterman. (Although I totally love Jack Hanna. Don’t get me wrong. I think he seems like the kindest, sweetest man, who just adores animals and loves his job. And he has the BEST job. I would cut off an ARM to have that job. Probably only my left arm, though. I don’t use it as much.)

Ohio, apparently, has some of the most lax rules and regulations on exotic animal ownership, and some of the highest death rates due to people being murdered creatively by exotic animals in the entire United States. WHO KNEW. This is really a statistic that should be presented to everyone who is thinking of moving to Ohio. I mean, people should know this. THIS should be the state motto. Not stupid “With God All Things Are Possible” which is just LAME and also NO ONE CAN PROVE IT’S TRUE. Also, doesn’t that fly in the face of separation of church and state? I mean, it’s about CHURCH and STATE. That seems to be the exact THING that “separation of church and state” is TALKING about.

Here, Ohio. I made this for you.

Ohio’s new state motto: “Ohio! You might be flayed and eaten by a tiger when you go out to get your mail. Ohio!”

That is totally jaunty. I think it will catch on. You can add more exclamation points if you want to. Or maybe an interrobang? Those are totally underused in this day and age and that saddens me.

Also, these two paragraphs in the article I linked to above, about another Ohio resident, really stood out to me. (Backstory, in case you didn’t click the link – he also had a menagerie, one of his workers was eaten by a bear, but he wasn’t charged with anything – it was deemed a “workplace accident.” Oh, OHIO.)

This summer, Mazzola was found dead on a water bed, wearing a mask and with his arms and legs restrained, at his home in Columbia Township, about 15 miles southwest of Cleveland.

It was unclear how many animals remained on the property when he died, but he had said in a bankruptcy filing in May 2010 that he owned four tigers, a lion, eight bears and 12 wolves. The U.S. Department of Agriculture had revoked his license to exhibit animals after animal-welfare activists campaigned for him to stop letting people wrestle with another one of his bears.

Um.

First, “found dead on a water bed wearing a mask and with his arms and legs restrained?”

This has every sign of being the work of that crafty honey badger again.

Also, people “campaigned for him to STOP letting people wrestle with another one of his bears?” Another one, because the first one was the one who ATE HIS EMPLOYEE? He was letting visitors WRESTLE BEARS? Is this a John Irving novel come to life?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN OHIO.

At the end of the article, it says Ohio requires permits for bears, but has no regulations on other nonnative pets such as lions or tigers.

OK, I’ve said this before. I didn’t think I’d have to say it again, because who the hell isn’t listening when I give this excellent advice? But EXOTIC ANIMALS ARE NOT YOUR PETS. Here. I’ll do it in photos, if words are totally hard and hurting your head.

NOT A PET. WILL EAT YOUR FACE.

NOT A PET. WILL EAT YOUR FACE.

NOT A PET. WILL EAT YOUR FACE.

NOT A PET. WILL EAT YOUR FACE.

And here! Here are things that are OK. Ohio! TAKE NOTE OHIO.

Pets! And also friends! Bonus!

Kind of sad, but totally pets.

Also kind of sad, but a valid pet. Caution: pinchy.

If you think you can keep an exotic animal as a pet, this is going to be the last thing you see before you die.

I EAT DOUCHES LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST.

The honey badger has a long memory, people. And the honey badger is badass. And DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT.

TODAY’S WEDDING TIP

Today’s wedding cautionary tale for Kickass McGee is one near and dear to my heart. Kickass McGee, please inform your betrothed that, should the two of you go ahead with the “shove cake in each other’s face” ritual, he’d better do it with decorum. Otherwise, there could totally be A WEDDING BRAWL. I’m not making this shit up. There is a precedent.

Per Snopes and Forever Wed:

From the Chicago Tribune, August 3, 1993:

WEDDING CAKE RITE LEADS TO ARRESTS… OF THE NEW BRIDE AND GROOM

A bride and groom in Westport, Conn., got into a fight over the tradition of cramming wedding cake into the face of one’s beloved.

Tracey and John O’Donnell were arrested at their wedding reception Saturday for disturbing the peace. Tracey O’Donnell said her husband fed her the cake too roughly, after she had told him to take it easy, police reported. Fighting ensued when she responded in kind, police said. The couple was later released. They are due in court Sept. 14.

So, Kickass McGee, although I am highly against the tradition personally, should you CHOOSE to go forth with it, please caution your groom that if he decides to do any “cramming” that the retaliation will be swift and brutal, and unless he wants to bring your undoubtedly awesome wedding gifts to the pawnshop to pay for bail, he should probably nicely and romantically PLACE a TINY BIT of cake in your mouth, thank you much.

Also, I’m kind of in love with Tracey O’Donnell. She TOLD John to take it easy. He didn’t. So she responded in kind. I think she was completely within her rights. STOP THINKING SMUSHING CAKE INTO A BRIDE’S FACE IS A FUNNY TRADITION BECAUSE IT IS MESSY AND A WASTE OF DELICIOUS CAKE.


Laugh, Kookaburra! Laugh, Kookaburra! Gay your life must be!

You get three important things today that are not even slightly related. Who’s the most generous? You’re WELCOME.

I’M MAD RACIST YO

At work a couple of weeks ago some kid prank-called one of the law firms we answer for. If I said the name of the firm, anyone local reading this would know them immediately and start singing their tv and radio jingle. They’re EVERYWHERE. Anyway, since they’re everywhere, and their phone number is part of the jingle, we get a lot of prank calls to that line. When I know it’s a prank caller, and a kid, I like to mess with them, because I know I’m not going to get in trouble for it. My favorite was the kid who said he was Justin Bieber. Our conversation went thusly:

Me: Law firm’s name, how can I help you.

Kid: I need a lawyer.

Me: May I ask who’s calling?

Kid: Justin Bieber. (giggles from the other kids listening in)

Me: Justin BIEBER? Justin, this is SUCH an HONOR. I can’t believe you’re calling! I’m your biggest fan. Can I get free tickets to your show the next time you come to town?

Kid: …um. No.

Me: Well, Justin, that is just so rude. I don’t think I’m your biggest fan anymore, and I don’t think I’m even going to have a lawyer call you back.

Kid: I’m Justin Bieber. (giggles in background)

Me: You already said that. Goodbye, Justin. You’ve broken my heart.

But the kid that called a couple of weeks ago was a jerkoff. Sometimes they’re nasty and I have to wonder where their parents are. No one’s overseeing these children?

Me: Law firm’s name, how can I help you.

Kid: You didn’t sing the jingle. SING THE JINGLE BITCH.

Me: Do you honestly have nothing better to do than to prank call companies on a weekend? By the way, kiddo, I have your number in the caller ID and the cops on speed dial, so I’d watch my mouth if I were you.

Kid: Legally you have to sing me the jingle, bitch.

So I hung up. And then he called back immediately.

Me: Law firm’s name. How can I help you.

Kid: I don’t want to talk to you again. I want your supervisor.

Me: You’re out of luck, kid. I’m the supervisor.

Kid: You’re a liar. You can’t talk to me this way. YOU HAVE TO SING ME THE JINGLE.

Me: If you don’t stop calling I’m going to report you to the police. (Side note: totally an empty threat. Cops could care less about prank callers. But it usually gets punk-ass kids off the phone.)

Kid: You’re mad racist, yo. BITCH. (hangs up)

I don’t know how it’s racist to not want to deal with a rude prank caller child who keeps calling me obscene names. Also, until he called me racist, I wasn’t aware he was a person of color. All callers are beige to me. I could care less what color the caller is. If you’re calling me a bitch and taking up my time with prank call that could be used actually taking a real call, I’m going to treat you like you deserve to be treated: like a boil on the ass of humanity, you little douche.

He didn’t call again. Kind of sad, really. My favorite comment came from the woman sitting next to me, who, when I told her I was mad racist, said, “You’re not mad racist. You hate all people, no matter what color they are, equally!” Yes, yes I do. +1.

SHIA LEDOUCHE

So Shia LeBeouf was beaten up outside a nightclub in Vancouver by some shirtless man who punched him over and over in the head. I think I speak for most of America when I say, WE ALL WANT TO PUNCH SHIA LEBEOUF OVER AND OVER IN THE HEAD.

I don’t know if anyone remembers the movie Holes. Does anyone remember this movie? If you are currently making some sort of sexually-related Holes joke, you are an adolescent, and stop it. Holes is a really good movie. Not as good as the book it’s based on (Louis Sachar is a children’s book god) but it’s a good movie. And when I watched it, way back in 2003, I thought, hey, that Shia LeBeouf kid, he’s really good! Very watchable, quirky, I hope he makes it! I’d be interested to see what he does with his career! And I was just so pleased when he started getting roles in things, because he seemed like such a nice, down-to-earth, goofy kid.

What the hell happened, Shia LeBeouf? Apparently fame went to your head? You’re getting in car accidents and fights outside of nightclubs and throwing things at cameramen and just generally douching it up all over the place. You are a goofy kid who no one is ever going to take seriously as a badass. Did you catch derp from Megan Fox? WHAT IS GOING ON. YOU ARE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF AND THE REST OF US SO JUST STOP.

And NOW I find out he’s attached to play Ig Perrish in the adaptation of Joe Hill’s Horns. I AM NOT DOWN WITH THIS, HOLLYWOOD. I mean, if you weren’t a total cock, if we put your personality aside? Then yeah, I guess, looks alone, you might have a bit of what it takes to play Ig. Ig is kind of a goofy loser who everyone thinks is less than stellar. The old Shia could have played Ig. Stupid new annoying cocky Shia is going to annoy the hell out of me as Ig. All I can say is, they’d better cast a kick-ass Terry. Because if I don’t love Terry, I am AVOIDING THIS MOVIE LIKE THE PLAGUE. I know you were supposed to root for Ig in the book, and of course I loved Ig. But I ADORED Terry. So if you Hollywood jackholes cast someone like Bradley Effing Cooper as Terry I am going to come to your HOMES and punch you in the ESOPHAGUS.

THE MOST HELPFUL FRIEND EVER = MEEEEEEE

This weekend, one of my most favorite people in the cyber-world is getting married. I thought I would be a totally helpful friend and find her some do’s and don’ts for her wedding. Because listen, that’s what friends DO. They are HELPFUL.

Do you know how many “wedding horror story” sites there are on the Interwebs? Like a kabillion. Weddings are a FRIGHTENING BUSINESS. I feel REALLY BAD I didn’t start with these helpful tips Sunday like I planned but then I got distracted by shiny shit like I do and totally forgot. I hope those two days of missing tips aren’t going to be the days that contain the tips that would have SAVED HER WEDDING.

So, Kickass McGee*, today’s tip: Watch the Eff Out for Kookaburras.

Per Wedding Manor, this totally happened to a young bride named Leisa Z.

“The cake was set up on its own table just near the main bridal table and to our shock and horror there was a fairly large kookaburra sitting on the lower tier of the cake helping himself! Who knew kookaburras liked icing and fruit cake…to our dismay, it had not only dug a hole into the side of the cake but it had pooped on it as well! We managed to get the caterers to cut off the offending icing and replace with patched icing…we moved the cake to be more up against a wall so no one would notice.”

Now, I’m pretty sure Kickass McGee’s not getting married in Australia. I think she would have mentioned that. And I would have had her bring me back a boomerang. So maybe you’re thinking, this is a MOOT POINT. And maybe you’re thinking, WHAT THE HELL IS A KOOKABURRA.

This is a kookaburra. It is my favorite bird other than the hawk.

 Why, you ask? Because in third grade we had to learn a song that went “Kookaburra lives in the old gum tree! Merry merry king of the bush is he!” AND I LOVED IT SO MUCH. And I sang it CONSTANTLY. So much so that my father remembers it TO THIS DAY. (Again, if I hear ONE SINGLE DIRTY BUSH JOKE I’m coming over there and PUNCHING YOU. Why are you so CHILDISH???) How can you not like a bird with such a happy name? Try to say that without smiling. TRY IT I SAID.

Anyway! So yes, sure, probably there will be no kookaburras at Kickass McGee’s wedding, and that’s a shame, because I personally think they’d make a great addition, but that point is neither here nor there. There might be OTHER types of birds at her wedding. AMERICAN birds. CROWS or SEAGULLS or some such shit, how should I know what birds will be there. THE POINT STANDS. BIRDS WILL SHIT ON YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT.

The solution? Well, it’s right in the story, if you read closely enough. “Who knew kookaburras liked icing AND FRUIT cake.” Aha! See! I’ve mentioned this before – THERE IS NO ROOM FOR FRUIT IN WEDDING CAKE. As far as I can tell, our little Australian friend Leisa GOT WHAT SHE DESERVED. Not only did she serve her guests HIDDEN FRUIT in an otherwise DELICIOUS CAKE, she WAS MEAN TO A KOOKABURRA. I’m pretty sure that marriage didn’t even last a year.

So, Kickass McGee, make sure your cake is fruit-free and you will be fine! Oh, and also, if a bird DOES happen to eat and shit on your cake, well, go ahead and serve it anyway, just patch it up with a little canned frosting. Worked for Leisa!

*Not her real name. But should be. For obvious reasons.


You’ve Been Swell, But I’m Not Getting Married

I could never, ever get married.

OK, I suppose that’s a bit of an overstatement. I could. I mean, physically. There’snothing stopping me from gettingmarried. There’s not like, a statewide banon me tying myself to someone for all eternity, or anything.

I started thinking about this in earnest last night when Igot a very nice third-party imaginary internet wedding proposal. Yep! I am the fanciest. So just check your inbox for the invites for my imaginary internetwedding! (I will expect many imaginary internet wedding presents, by the way. I’m registered at many imaginary internet locations!) I just highly suspect that the strain of planning and actually goingthrough with something of that magnitude would cause either a Bridezilla-stylebreakdown, with screaming in operatic tones, or me to crawl up in the corner ofmy closet and rock and weep. And I have really, really tiny closets. Like,dollhouse closets. It would be very uncomfortable in there. But somehow I’dmake it work. And I’d rock and weep and everyone would be at the church but noone would really be all that surprised, because I think the main surprise wouldhave been that there was a wedding at all. I think the main surprise would havebeen when they got the invitation in the mail in the first place. “What? AMY?Getting MARRIED? This can’t be right. Another Amy, maybe? With the same name?Who thought THIS was a good idea?”

I like weddings. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been to some. They’renice! They’re so optimistic, what with the white dresses (yeah, right, you’renot fooling anyone, but whatever) and the smiling and the vows and the weelittle ring bearers with their tiny little tuxedos and such. Yes, yes, theymake me cry. That kind of unbridled optimism, that’s worth a few tears, Ithink! I mean, you kind of want to applaud the fact that these people, in spiteof the odds being stacked against them, have decided, hey! Let’s do this! We’llbe the exception to the rule! WE WILL LIVE OUR LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Well, that wouldbe nice, wouldn’t it? But I’m not all merry sunshine, and all I can think(quietly, in the back of my head, I don’t ruin people’s weddings, I’m not that much of an ass) is “Man, that’s aHUGE pile of gifts. How are they going to divvy those up when this all goes tohell in a handbasket?” 

And the ceremony itself – ok, I would be the worst bride.Ever. EVER. Seriously. Like, you’ve seen Bridezillas,right? I wouldn’t be all screamy-yelly-“you didn’t get the RIGHT COLOR HAIREXTENSIONS!” like that, or anything, but there are a lot of things that I takeexception to in the wedding ceremony and in the celebration afterward. So muchso that I think the only solution would be to elope. But I do like the idea ofhaving a celebration in front of people. So I’m torn, really – on one hand, itwould be nice to celebrate this unmitigated optimistic insanity in front ofpeople (especially people, who will remain nameless, who have said, and Iquote, “It’s ok if you’re a lesbian, you know” because I’m not married yet.Yes. I know it’s ok. Thank you for your permission. I’m not a closeted lesbian,I’m just FOREVER ALONE. Thank you for that), but on the other hand, thelogistics of getting what I want are so insurmountable, I think that possiblyit couldn’t happen. 

For example: 

Church wedding vs.civil ceremony: I have issues with the church so I don’t think I could bemarried in one. Also, the church makes you take marriage classes, and I don’thave time, energy or patience for that. And I think if I stepped foot in one atthis point, I would go up in flames, and poof, there goes the very expensivefluffy dress. But I have family members who would not be in the least bitpleased (and I think would most likely think it wouldn’t count) if I weremarried outside of the church. So then there would be a war. And who wants tostart their wedded bliss on a battlefield? I’m already getting acid reflux andthis is just hypothetical. 

The dress: I looklike death warmed over in white. So no white. But then does everyone think you’rea whore? Because I’m not really a whore, per se, just really pale, and whitemakes that look worse. Also, I don’t like wedding dresses. They all make youlook weird and matronly and frilly and bedazzled and like you’re trying toohard or they’re too casual or they’re too tight. Can I get married in pajamas?I’m the most comfortable in those. And that would be pretty! So, so pretty. ButI totally get a veil. VEILS ARE AWESOME. Everyone looks better in a veil. Thatis a proven fact, buddy. 

Bridesmaid dresses:WHY THE HELL ARE THESE ALWAYS SO UGLY. Listen. Is it a thing? Like, you don’twant your bridesmaid to look better than you so you get them the most god-awfuldress in America? And they have to PAY for it! And they’re never going to WEARit again! As long as they’re all respectable, any woman who I like enough toask to be a bridesmaid can wear whatever the hell they deem appropriate. And,since I picked the women, I know it will. Don’t pick jerks to be yourbridesmaids and they won’t pick stupid clothes like tube tops and red satin hotpants. 

Bridesmaids, ushers,maids of honor, etc.: Listen. There is one person I want to stand beside mewhen I get married (well, other than the imaginary groom.) And he’s male. Andthat’s not negotiable. The person I feel closest to (I hesitate with the “BFF”thing because I’m not a tween) is a guy. So, is that allowed? No, right? Becauseit’s like a slap in the face if he’s just an usher and one of my other friends,who are great and all, are my maid of honor. Because when I’m having ameltdown, he is (I absolutely guarantee you this) the only person who will beable to get me to calm down from it. He is the Amy-whisperer. And if he’sushering, how is he supposed to calm me down? Too busy seating Aunt Isabelleand her huge hat! BAM MELTDOWN NOW THERE’S NO WEDDING I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPYWEDDING ETIQUETTE. 

Ceremony nonsense:There are two things in the wedding ceremony that would make me walk out andnot come back. First: “giving the bride away.” Because I’m property! To begifted to a man! That’s awesome. No, seriously. “Who gives this woman?” “Hermother and I do!” Here is our daughter! Our gift to you. Now you feed andclothe her, as she is unable to do these things herself! Stupid useless women!I HATE THIS SO MUCH. I assume it still happens. It did at the last wedding Iwent to. I know, I know. It’s a custom. Well, it’s an outdated and sexist one.And I flat-out refuse. I already told my father that if I ever get married, hewas more than welcome to walk me down the aisle, but when the officiant said “Whogives this woman,” I would have a speech prepared that went along the lines of “Actually,this woman gives herself, as she belongs to herself. And she gives herselffreely! With the understanding that she is not giving up any more of herselfthan she feels comfortable giving, and can, at any point, take back anythingshe has given, as she is a person, and not property. Thank you all for coming.”(My father’s response? “It’s probably a good thing you’re not getting married anytimesoon.”) Second: “honor AND OBEY.” Ha. HA HA HA. I haven’t “obeyed” anythingsince I was old enough to crawl. You think I’m going to start now? Nice try.First you give me away, then you tell me to obey? What they hell am I, a runtpuppy that wouldn’t sell so I’m up free for a good home in the Pennysaver? 

Money: I don’tlike that the bride’s family is expected to pay for everything, based on the outdatedpractice of a bride price. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the priceshould be split between the parents of the bride and the parents of the groom,either. I think, if the bride and groom can’t pay for their own damn ceremony,they don’t deserve a big shindig. Sorry. You get what you work for in thislife, and why should you get a huge party you didn’t pay for yourself? 

Vows: I like theidea of writing your own vows, as long as it’s done well. I do not like thingslike “Baby, I knew from the minute I met you, you were the one. I can’t wait tostart our journey together.” Did one of the contestants on The Bachelorette write your speech? No. If you can’t improve on thevows as they’re written, stick to the vows that are already there. 

Cake-smushing: Ifyou smush a handful of cake into my face I will most likely slap you and walk outof our reception. Seriously? This isn’t funny. This isn’t cute. This is messingup a really pretty and well-done face of makeup and nice hair and possiblygetting on a very expensive dress. And it’s demeaning. And – worst of all – YOUARE WASTING CAKE. Which is a capital offense in 14 states. No, don’t look thatstatistic up. I’m telling you it’s true. WHY DON’T YOU TRUST ME. 

The dollar dance:I went to a wedding where they did this when I was young, and I didn’tunderstand it then, and I still don’t. Because it’s a little like begging and alittle like prostitution. Both things you absolutely want at your wedding,right? If some man came up to me at the reception waggling a $20, I’d knee himin the balls. I’m not a pole-dancer, Uncle Mervin. Put the $20 back in yourpants and look for someone who’s showing too much cleavage on the waitstaff orsomething. 

Whatever that shit isthat’s going on with the garter: This is an excuse for someone to cop afeel, pure and simple. And who the hell even wears garters anymore? And thatgarter isn’t even holding anything up. It’s a scrunchy. It’s a fancy wedding leg-scrunchy.I have no interest in this and I think it’s gross and tacky. 

Brides and grooms whoare weird about the gift registry: You are lucky anyone gave you anything.If you don’t like it, return it. Stop complaining about free stuff. Do youthink pirates ever complained about their booty, arrr? They did not. And theyRULED the seven seas. Yes, it’s annoying that you got two toaster ovens. Youknow what’s more annoying? Waking up alone and cleaning cat vomit out of yourshoe. SUCK IT UP Whiney McUngratefulface. 

Animals: Releasinganimals after a ceremony annoys me. Yes, yes. I know. It’s all done with theutmost care. Listen. I don’t think those butterflies or doves want to be raisedand then shipped somewhere and then catapulted into the air to celebrate yourlove, I really don’t. How confused must they be? You know what I think youshould release on your wedding day? 43,000 carpenter ants. A celebration of “building”a life together! And the gift that keeps on giving for the owners of the placewhere you got married, huzzah! 

Things I don’t have aproblem with and actually think are kind of cute, surprisingly: when peopleclink on the glasses for you to kiss (I know, you’d think that would annoy me?But it’s honestly kind of adorable); throwing the bouquet (but women catchingit, please show decorum, this is a wedding, not a barroom); decorating the backof the “getaway” car with stuff (but if you put anything vulgar or stupid orscratch the paint I’m going to hang that crap plus more all over YOUR car onenight WITH SUPERGLUE and see how you like it.) 

See? THIS IS A HUGE LIST. There’s no WAY I could get awaywith all of these things without looking like an anal-retentive Bridezillafeminist shrew. So no wedding for me. Sorry, people who were planning on comingto my super-awesome wedding in which I was pretty guaranteed to throw thetantrum of the century. You’ll just have to wait until it happens organically.I’m sure it will. Just be patient. For example, I’m pretty cranky about seeingsomeone misspell “Bethlehem” (BETHLEHAM?Really? IT’S A TOWN NOT A PORK PRODUCT) on an envelope today. Fingers crossed!

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