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Category Archives: weather

ZOMG SNOWQUADO

So there’s a saying. Shell-shocked. Which I think is a precursor for the more modern PTSD.

Is there a saying, “snow-shocked?” If there isn’t, can there be? Can it be a thing we institute? Because when I woke up this morning and saw that it was snowing again, I think “snow-shocked” might be the definition of how I felt. Not happy or sad or mad. Just cold and dead inside like a robot. “More snow. Yes. Shovel. Yes. Cold. Yes.”

I was warned (and I knew) when I moved here there would be snow. We’re right next to a lake, so we get lake-effect snow. But I don’t think I was prepared for this MUCH snow. I mean, I don’t know if you CAN be.

So far this year (this YEAR, which we are TWELVE DAYS INTO, mind you, so that’s not counting the two storms of over a foot each we got in November and December), this town has received a total of 49″ of snow.

That’s over four feet of snow in 12 days. Most of it arrived between Tuesday and Saturday this week. There is nowhere to PUT all this snow. Here. Look.

This is the view from my front porch. There's a road there. I think. Somewhere.

This is the view from my front porch. There’s a road there. I think. Somewhere.

I have snow removal people. They've stopped having anwhere to PUT the snow, so I've had to be creative with where to park. I'm kind of on the lawn here. Not that you can SEE the lawn.

I have snow removal people. They’ve stopped having anwhere to PUT the snow, so I’ve had to be creative with where to park. I’m kind of on the lawn here. Not that you can SEE the lawn.

Now, I grew up in a town where there was a lot of snow, and it was very cold. I’m a native New Yorker. This isn’t new to me. But, just for comparison, let’s look at the average snowfall for some of the places I’ve lived in my life.

Albany 59″ – OK, this is manageable. That’s about 5′ a year. And it’s not like it falls all at once, or anything. The roads are crappy and everyone forgets how to drive, but that’s fine.

The town where I grew up gets, on average, 74″ a year. OK, that’s a bit more. Plus it’s super-cold there. Lots of negative temperatures. It’s the frozen tundra up there. I was a kid when I lived there, though. I let my parents worry about the cold.

Binghamton 83″- Yeah, I’m not super-surprised about this. I went to college here, and it would start getting gray about October and last through May, and it would snow and snow and SNOW. I didn’t have a car, so I’d have to slog to the bus stops in all that snow and my feet would be FREEZING and I’d be one of those sad people you’d see waiting for the bus all bundled up and shivering and snow-covered. But I was, again, young. And I used to drink a lot then. Probably I was too tipsy to realize how much snow there was, who knows.

Flagstaff 100″ – So, funny story, when I moved to Arizona, I thought Flagstaff would be warm, because I didn’t do any research? But it was NOT always warm. It was pretty damn cold, actually. And it was in the mountains and it snowed. A LOT. Once I was at work and elk walked right up to the door. Because they thought it was their world and not human-world. BECAUSE ALL THAT SNOW. (It was pretty damn cool, though. Elk!)

Watertown – ok, what do you think the average snowfall is in Watertown? It kind of varies site by site, but here’s what I found, and I think it’s probably right. Ready?

112″. ONE HUNDRED TWELVE INCHES. This sounds like it might be right, considering it’s not even mid-January and we’ve already had approximately 73″. 112″ is over 9 feet a year. NINE FEET. I’m not even SIX feet.

I’m quite sure I moved to some sort of alternate snow planet, where this is ALL THAT HAPPENS. Everyone here keeps laughing that it won’t end until May. THEY ARE NOT KIDDING. We all have this hundred-yard stare going on.

All we write about at work lately seems to be snow. Coworker R. and I came up with the latest Syfy movie title: “SNOWQUADO!” Part snowstorm, part earthquake, part tornado. Since these movies have to star an 80s star, it will star both Milli AND Vanilli* (two’s better than one, right? And it’s not like they’re doing anything these days) and be QUITE a hit.

Want to swing on my porch swing? Just wear your snowpants.

Want to swing on my porch swing? Just wear your snowpants.

In good news, I work about 3 minutes from my house, so the drive isn’t that bad. And when I get out, it’s about 1am, so I can drive really slow in the middle of the street and no one much cares.

The snowbanks are as tall as I am. Today the garbage man put my garbage can on top of one and how the hell was I supposed to get that down? I mean, I DID, but not without it falling on me. Gross.

The snowbanks are as tall as I am. Today the garbage man put my garbage can on top of one and how the hell was I supposed to get that down? I mean, I DID, but not without it falling on me. Gross.

The cat’s loving this. This is weather meant for cuddling and sleeping in and purring all night long. Sadly, one of us has to go to work to pay for cat food and Pringles, so I can’t stay home and purr all day, as much as I’d like to.

My car's there. I can't get to the garage. (I can't park in there anyway; that's where the landlady keeps the lawnmowers. Don't ask.)

My car’s there. I can’t get to the garage. (I can’t park in there anyway; that’s where the landlady keeps the lawnmowers. Don’t ask.)

I keep expecting there to be penguins. So far, there have been no penguins. What good is this kind of weather without penguins?

One hundred and twelve inches. Heaven help me.

And I'm pretty sure these icicles are trying to kill me.

And I’m pretty sure these icicles are trying to kill me.

*I have been informed by a very kind reader that Rob Pilatus from Milli Vanilli killed himself in 1998, a fact about which I had no idea. So, that joke fizzled. Not in the least bit meant as an offense toward Mr. Pilatus or a slight on mental health issues, which you all know are very near and dear to my heart. My apologies, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention if you are struggling with mental health issues and feel like you’re going to do something final to yourself, please call someone for help – you matter too much and owe it to yourself to do this. Trust me, ok? If you’re not comfortable talking to someone you know, there are plenty of wonderful groups that are happy to talk to you anonymously, and are WAITING to talk to you, which you can find a list of here. Thank you for letting me know about this, B., and much love to you all.

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What they don’t tell you about walking on sunshine is that it is SO SO HOT.

It’s hot.

Like, heat-wave hot.

BEYOND hot.

Like, living on the surface of the SUN hot.

(Now is when Andreas tells me I am exaggerating.)

Today, I asked my boss if somehow we were living in Tucson and no one told us. She thought maybe.

I'm pretty sure if I looked outside today, I'd see this.

I’m pretty sure if I looked outside today, I’d see this.

It’s the kind of hot where everything’s making me cranky, and I don’t want to leave the house, and there just aren’t enough cool things like icy beverages and popsicles and cold showers in the world to make it better, and I just don’t want to do anything but sit around and sigh sadly.

SO CRANKY AND HOT.

SO CRANKY AND HOT.

(Don’t you even tell me, as my mom always does, “You’ll WISH it was this hot when WINTER gets here!” Because I will NOT think that. I NEVER wish it to be this hot. And even when it’s super-cold in the winter, I don’t get this lethargic and crabby. I’m much better at cold than I am at hot. I HATE HEAT.)

According to a map I saw of Merka, it’s hot all over the place, except in a few places it’s in the 70s. (Well, I suppose in Alaska it’s cooler, but also there are moose and such up there, so that barely counts.)

Welcome to Merka! MONSTER HEAT WAVE!

Welcome to Merka! MONSTER HEAT WAVE!

So, because a lot of my readers are living where it’s quite toasty at the moment, I thought we could look at a helpful list of tips I found on the internet for staying cool when it’s hot out. That’ll be good, right? Yep. Totally will. We’ll think cool thoughts together.

Here’s the list. Ready?

1. Have a water-drinking competition with your family. I don’t think drinking water is competitive, and I know I read somewhere that if you drink too much of it, you can actually get water intoxication. You feel drunk and it makes you sick and stuff. I don’t know the science and I’m too hot to look it up. Something about imbalancing your chemicals or something. I bet Andreas knows. Just drink enough water so you don’t get dehydrated and don’t dare each other to drink more. Also, it’ll make you pee. Like, a LOT.

2. Sit in front of the air conditioner and eat marshmallows (sort of the opposite of roasting marshmallows over a campfire…) What the hell? This is foolish. Just eat whatever you want in front of the air conditioner. Popsicles. Fried chicken. Oreos, I don’t care. Weirdo.

3. Put an ice cube on your skin and see how long it takes to melt. Ooh, is this like naughty-times? Because it’s too hot for naughty-times. Get off me. GET OFF ME, I SAID.

Is she SLEEPING on the ice cubes? What is happening here?

Is she SLEEPING on the ice cubes? What is happening here?

4. Use a fan to blow your hair around like a fashion model’s and take pictures. And you have to do this during a heat-wave why? You could do this anytime. Also, you’re going to look weird, not sexy. Just so you know.

Well, this dog looks pretty good. But dogs always do.

Well, this dog looks pretty good. But dogs always do.

5. Read that book you haven’t had time to read because you’re usually outside. Ha! “Usually outside.” It’s like you don’t know me at all. I avoid outside as if it’s filled with bugs, sun, and strangers. Oh. Wait. It is.

6. Call a neighbor and invite them over for ice cream. No, because a., I don’t know or want to know any of my neighbors, and b. none of my friends are going to want to drive across town in this kind of heat for something they could get from their own freezers.

And if they eat it like this, I TOTALLY don't want them to come over. This is just creepy-times.

And if they eat it like this, I TOTALLY don’t want them to come over. This is just creepy-times.

7. Spend the day wandering around your local air-conditioned mall (assuming you have an air-conditioned way to get there). I actually somewhat agree with this one. One summer it was so hot my roommate and I were dying so we went to the mall and we watched a movie in comfort (we didn’t have air conditioning in that place) and we so, so, SO didn’t want to go home. But we had to. Because you can’t live in the mall, as much as you want to. But I don’t suggest spending the DAY there. I mean, you might as well go to work. Work’s air-conditioned, right?

8. Have a movie marathon–of movies that take place in the winter. This isn’t going to make you feel cooler. But if you want to watch movies, go to, I guess. Also, did I mention eat popsicles? Do that.

Watch this movie if you have to watch a cool movie. This movie is the best thing. (Ang Lee's "The Ice Storm." Highly recommended.)

Watch this movie if you have to watch a cool movie. This movie is the best thing. (Ang Lee’s “The Ice Storm.” Highly recommended.)

9. Call an elderly friend or relative and make sure they’re doing all right. OMG, everyone always says this. Who are these lonely forgotten old people, and why must we all be reminded to check on them? I’m guessing they’re old people that have no one, and that makes my heart hurt. My old people are fine. Mostly that means my grandmother, because the rest of my old people have died of non-heat-related reasons.

10. Soak in a tub of lukewarm water. I don’t like tubs, because they seem filthy to me. Also, when it’s hot, I want cold water. Not lukewarm. Cold. So I’m freezing. Then that cold lasts for like twenty minutes when I get out and then I’m all hot again, but still. It’s better than nothing. Dad says that only crazy people take cold showers and that the SHOCK will KILL me but I’ve been doing it for years and I’m still kickin’, baby.

I'm rarely this HAPPY in the cold shower, though. Who the hell is? It's cold. You move fast or you freeze.

I’m rarely this HAPPY in the cold shower, though. Who the hell is? It’s cold. You move fast or you freeze.

11. Write a note to remind yourself not to complain about cold temperatures next winter. Then write a note to remind yourself to stop being a supercilious asshat.

12. Have a sub sandwich buffet for supper: set out rolls, meats, cheese, veggies, and condiments, and let your family put together their own sandwiches. I don’t have a family. Who’s going to eat this Subway shop I’ve set up in my house? Dumbcat? He doesn’t like human food. It makes him hide under the couch. What a waste of all those things. I mean, there are only so many sandwiches I can eat, you know?

13. Give yourself permission to be a little lazy; after all, in this kind of heat you shouldn’t try to do too much. Except work, grocery shopping, laundry, packing for vacation, hanging with Dumbcat, doing a million theater reviews…yeah. I don’t know that I have an option to kick back and be lazy, yo. Sorry, me.

These don’t seem to have been very helpful tips. Here are MY tips.

  • Sit in front of the air conditioning
  • Eat all icy things all the time
  • Tell Dumbcat to get off you because he’s so heavy and so furry and so hot, even though you love him
  • Try very hard not to get cranky over things that wouldn’t normally bother you because it’s really just the heat speaking
  • Go swimming if you like such things and can swim (I do not, and cannot)
  • Don’t do things that make you extra hot, like cleaning the house, moving heavy furniture, or riding the mechanical bull (one or more of these is a euphemism, you can decide which)

Stay cool, my little ice cubes. And if you are my real-life most-beloved, and I am snappy, please know I am not snapping at YOU, but at the HEAT, which is like WALKING INTO A DAMN OVEN.

RIGHT INTO AN OVEN.

RIGHT INTO AN OVEN.

Ahem.

Happy Tuesday.

HAPPY TUESDAY.

So…so…hot…


This week, I didn’t go to Oz, but I did go bowling, so…win, I guess?

It’s been quite a week, right? I don’t know what’s been going on in your part of the world, but here, it’s UTTER CRAZYTOWN.

So this week kind of kicked my ass six different ways, and then a seventh for good measure. SO MUCH ASS-KICKERY. But now it is the weekend. Well, kind of the weekend. I still have one more day of work and THEN I get my one day off. Watch out, one day off! I’m coming for you!

So here was my week in a nutshell. Ready for the craziness? I know you are. It’s going to be the most exciting.

So at the beginning of the week, I had TWO FULL DAYS OFF! I spent one of those two days cleaning the house. Not JUST cleaning. DEEP-cleaning. SEVEN FULL HOURS of cleaning. I threw away – are you ready for this? – SEVEN BAGS OF GARBAGE. Don’t ask too many questions about how exactly I had seven full bags of garbage in a very small place. NO, I am not a hoarder. I just haven’t done a huge purge in a while. Sometimes you just need to get rid of shit, you know?

Casualities in the great cleaning of 2013 = my lava lamp, which FLEW OFF THE TABLE and COMMITTED SUICIDE ON THE RUG (or maybe I smacked it with my hip, I never said I was graceful) and then all the lava juice started leaking out and I don’t know if that’s poison or not, so I had to throw it away. Sigh. Goodbye, purple lava lamp, you were just too cool for me. Also, I blew up my brand-new vaccuum, but my mom assures me that I didn’t really blow it up, I just probably clogged up the filters and I need to clean them and all will be well. I did find one of my favorite necklaces that I thought was lost to the ages; I didn’t, however, find a missing letter that I’ve been looking for, which was disheartening. Who knows where that ended up. Dumbcat hid for most of the day because there was just too much going on for him and things smelled like citrus. He HATES things that smell like citrus. Citrus makes him make cranky faces. Once I was done and he realized I’d found a lot of his favorite toys under the couch, though, he was VERY pleased. (And randomly, today, he somehow found a way to put one of those toys on the bookcase? I have no idea how he got that there. It was a feat of wonder.)

Then the OTHER day off, I did NOTHING. Well, no. I did lots of things, but they were all very relaxy. I wrote, I read, I watched television, I played on the internet, I ate a lot of popsicles. Oh, and also snowcones. I totally bought a snowcone maker. SUMMER YOU WILL NOT CONQUER ME THIS YEAR! Well, no. It’s not really a snowcone maker. It’s a shaved ice maker. Which is LIKE a snowcone maker only the ice is a lot finer. And I got delicious snowcone juice. But I think snowcone juice makers need to step it up for those of us who want things that are sugar-free because we don’t just want cherry and fruit punch flavors. I randomly found a blue raspberry flavor at Bed Bath and Beyond but SERIOUSLY, people, there are a BILLION flavors that are sugary, GET WITH IT, YO.

Seriously, best purchase ever.

Seriously, best purchase ever.

Anyway, my shaved ice maker is the best thing ever. It makes a gigantic bowl of shaved ice and then you dump all the flavoring over it and it is the MOST DELICIOUS and also the most cooling. It was a very good purchase. I don’t regret it in the least.

(Oh, I was shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond because I had to buy a bridal shower gift. Were you aware that when someone gets married you get them a shower gift AND a wedding gift? This is the best scam ever. I’m going to marry Dumbcat just for the gifts. Can I do that? You guys will give me gifts, right? TWO TIMES THE GIFTS? Anyway, I bought a good shower gift and then also bought myself some things like snowcone juice and a new Pyrex measuring cup since I dropped mine in the sink and glass went EVERYWHERE and I’m still finding it in random places and I go to use it at least once a week and curse the day I was born clumsy.)

Oh, measuring cup, I miss you. Why are you so shattery?

Oh, measuring cup, I miss you. Why are you so shattery?

OK, so anyway, then the week happened. Work was busy, blah blah blah, and there’s this thing happening that I can’t talk about because chicken-counting so I’ll just say it’s a thing that’s equal parts scary and exciting and leave it at that, and if you want to cross your fingers for me, or whatever you do to pass along the good vibes, it’d be appreciated.

THEN, ready for this? I don’t know if you are, because it’s terrible-awesome-scary.

WE HAD TWO TORNADOES!

Real photo of a real tornado here! Whoo!

Real photo of a real tornado here! Whoo!

Is that really how the plural of tornado is spelled? Goodness, that looks terrible. But then again, so does “tornados” and the internet says either are right but both look like I’m illiterate.

On Wednesday, the weathermen started creaming themselves. First they were all “thunderstorms coming, y’all.” Then they were all “SEVERE thunderstorms!” Then they started running around like weirdos. “POSSIBLE FLASH FLOODS!” “ZOMG MAYBE A TORNADO!!!!”

I thought they were full of shit. We never get tornadoes.

We totally got TWO tornadoes.

I went grocery shopping – no rain. No thunder. Nothing. Bleh. Got home. Put away the groceries. Called Mom and Dad. Dad was all, “It’s raining there!” (Dad always believes the weather channel rather than me.) “No, it’s not, Dad,” I said. “IT SAYS IT IS!” said Dad. I assured him I was actually IN the weather and there was NO RAIN. He sounded skeptical.

Then. THEN! Out of NOWHERE! BAM WENT THE THUNDER! WHOOSH WENT THE WIND! My phone made the emergency broadcast noise and told me to STAY IN THE HOUSE FLASH FLOODS ARE A’COMIN’! (Phones do that? Good grief, that scared the bejeebers out of me.)

We had about 45 minutes or so of the craziest storm ever. The windows rattled. I planted some things and put them on the porch this past weekend and one of them just blew RIGHT off the porch and down onto the lawn. It was a casualty of FORCES OF NATURE! No strawberries from THAT pot! I forgot the window was open in the bedroom and when I ran in to close it the curtains were SOAKED! The power went on and off and on and off! Dumbcat freaked out and attached himself to my leg!

Then everything settled down and I ventured out onto the porch and everything was weirdly golden outside and some aluminum came off one of my neighbors’ buildings and hit their car but other than the flying pot of strawberries, all was well here.

However, we actually had two tornadoes in the area (one picked up a man and THREW HIM THREW THE WALL OF A BUILDING!) and so many trees were down and someone on Facebook reported (so take it with a grain of salt) 25,000 people were without power when it was done. On my drives to and from work the past couple of days, I’ve seen lines down, a ton of National Grid trucks, and, in one case, a tree in the middle of someone’s roof.

Look at this! Seriously, that was one whopper of a storm, you guys.

Look at this! Seriously, that was one whopper of a storm, you guys.

As long as I’m safe, I’m totally invigorated by crazy weather. And other than being afraid I was going to lose ALL my plants I’d just planted from my porch, I was safe. Dumbcat didn’t think he was, but he was. Silly boy. I will not let the twister take you to Oz.

Then, FINALLY, on Thursday night, the whole office (give or take half of the office) went bowling. I like bowling, but I’m not very good at it. Dad tried to teach me how to bowl when I was younger and he yelled “FOLLOW THROUGH!” so loud I got upset and left the bowling  alley and sat in the car until they were done. (Dad says, “You always say I was yelling at you. You just weren’t listening, so I had to talk LOUDLY.”)

FOLLOW THROUGH!!!

FOLLOW THROUGH!!!

I was, as expected, not very good. We bowled two…what are they called, sets? Frames? I don’t even know. There were four of us on the team and we got to bowl two complete times twice. Sets, I think, but I could be wrong. The first time I didn’t do terribly and got two strikes and two spares and then totally got to bowl in the special bonus round at the end. (“That’s just the tenth frame,” Dad said. “No, the special bonus round! No one else got to! Because I got a strike, I got to go again!” “Yes. That’s the TENTH FRAME, that’s how that WORKS,” said Dad. “Well, no one else got to do it. It was therefore a bonus, and SPECIAL,” I said. This made Dad laugh until he choked a little. Dad used to be in a league. He has awards and everything.) I ended up in second place with a 113 which I think is very respectable since I don’t know that I’ve ever broken 100 before. I tried to take a photo but the screen was too bright so it didn’t work. The SECOND time I apparently broke my arm and every time I bowled it went to the left and I got a 76 which I think is what kids get who need those bumpers in the gutters. I told Dad I lost that round to make everyone else feel better. He agreed that was very nice of me.

I was telling Dad about bowling and he got VERY upset. Why? Because of this.

Me: So the lanes tell you how fast you’re bowling.
Dad: What? No they don’t.
Me: Yes they do. The screen says how many miles per hour you’re throwing the ball. A. was the winner of that. He threw it 20 miles per hour.
Dad: Is that all? I think I could throw it MORE than that.
Me: OK. Anyway, he was all, “I want to beat my record!” so he had one pin standing, and he just PITCHED that ball, because he didn’t think he had any chance of knocking down that one pin anyway. And guess what happened?
Dad: I can’t even guess. He killed someone.
Me: That’s a very terrible guess.
Dad: I told you I couldn’t even guess.
Me: His ball went in the gutter at the very end, and then POPPED OUT and knocked down the pin. SPARE!
Dad: No, that doesn’t count. That’s not a spare. Once the ball goes in the gutter, you’re done. He cheated.
Me: No, it is. The computer said it was.
Dad: What computer? You brought a computer?
Me: NO, Dad. The computer over the LANE. That keeps SCORE for you.


Dad: Wait. Wait a minute. What? Something that keeps SCORE for you? No. YOU keep score. With a pencil and paper.
Me: Where would you even GET a pencil and paper?
Dad: They give it to you with the shoes.
Me: No, they just give you the shoes. This isn’t 1977. A computer keeps score for you now. You put your name in it and it tracks your score. No one even KNOWS how to keep score anymore.
Dad: I can’t believe this. I. CAN. NOT. BELIEVE. THIS. I am never bowling again. I would bring my own pencil and paper and keep score. This is RIDICULOUS.
Me: Dad, I don’t think anyone’s kept score for themselves since…well, the last time I kept score for myself was probably the early 90s. That’s like 20 years ago.
Dad: I can’t believe this. WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO?
Me: It’s the relentless march of progress. You can’t stop it. It even comes to bowling alleys. There are also strobe lights and they play Katy Perry songs while you bowl.
Dad: I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW. Who the hell is Katy Perry.

Now I am going to bed so I can deal with the billions of “MY AIR CONDITIONER IS BROKEN” and “WE HAVE NO POWER” calls I’m bound to get at work tomorrow. Happy Saturday, people of the bloggiverse. Hopefully you are somewhere a little cooler than here, where it is in the nineties. THE NINETIES. In MAY. Well, it’s June now, but it was in the nineties this week, and this week was May. I find this as upsetting as Dad finds computerized bowling.


Science myths with Amy’s Dad. Also, my car hates me.

It’s cold. VERY COLD. Some of you people might live in places where it is not as cold. And that’s nice for you! So nice. Here, it is currently 10 degrees. TEN. When I was driving to work this morning? It was -2. NEGATIVE TWO.

(I like to email Andreas when it’s this cold and say, “In YOUR temperature that is -19 NEGATIVE NINETEEN ANDREAS!!!!” And he doesn’t even complain, not even a little.)

This is what my car apparently thinks when it is this cold:

LEAVE ME ALONE WOMAN!!!!

LEAVE ME ALONE WOMAN!!!!

“Nope. I’m not into this. Not at all. It’s too cold. TOO COLD. Let’s just hang out here in the parking lot, what do you say? Just, like, here? In the lot. No? Oh, you’re actually going to try to start me? Oh, well, that’s ill-advised, but, well, you do your thing, I guess. I’ll just…stall out. Yep. See, I tried to warn you it’s just too damn cold for this. You’re trying AGAIN? Well, aren’t you optimistic, like a young girl or a unicorn or something. OK, let’s do this. I GUESS I can stay running. But not without a cost. And that cost is that I’m going to scare you by randomly lighting up some of your warning lights. You’ll never know which ones when you start the car. Today, let’s do…um…the airbag, the emergency brake, and the gas cap warning lights. That seems like fun! Oh, yes, well, if you turn me off and on a few times, I’ll flash DIFFERENT lights on and off…and it’s like a slot machine, because at some point, I’ll turn on with NO WARNING LIGHTS ON! And then you WIN! But mostly, the house wins. And I’m the house, baby. Oh, also, I’m going to chug a lot, and when you hit the brakes, I’m going to buck like a pony that just got stung by a bee. YOU’RE WELCOME!”

Also, the other day when it was super-cold? I had no signal lights. Nope. They just didn’t work. None. FROZEN SIGNAL LIGHTS. Just TOO DAMN COLD. You’d think I lived in the Arctic or something but I don’t see any penguins so I don’t even get the cool perks of the Arctic. Wait, is it the Arctic where there are penguins? I’m really tired and probably I could Google it, but, TIRED. Also, I put a billion blankets on my bed recently and it’s SO WARM there, you guys, like, it’s CALLING to me. In a happy little voice. “AMY. Come SLEEP HERE. You will be SO WARM. It’s like SLEEPING in a CLOUD. A WARM CLOUD.”

I have one of these super-comfy feather comforters for when it's really cold. It is the BEST, you guys.

I have one of these super-comfy feather comforters for when it’s really cold. It is the BEST, you guys.

Fine, I Googled it, penguins do NOT live in the Arctic, they live in the Antarctic. Is this like how I couldn’t tell the difference between stalagmites and stalactites for like a billion years until someone taught me a trick? (YES, I’ll share it with you. Stalagmites come out of the ground. There is a “g” in stalagmites. “G” for “ground.” Stalactites come out of the ceiling. There’s a “c” in stalactites. “C” for “ceiling.” I have a lot of these tricks. They’re how I remember most things in life.)

Ooh! Aah!

Ooh! Aah!

I have to go make muffins in a minute. That’s not even a euphemism. We’re having another snack day at work tomorrow. So I’m making muffins tonight. That, until about five seconds ago, I totally forgot about. So, shit, I’d better get to making those muffins now, right? Anyone want to come over and make muffins or anything? I’m totally all warm on the couch and the cat’s all snuggled up to my leg. Sigh. SIGH I SAID SIGH.

They're blueberry muffins. From a mix. I kind of gave up today, don't tell anyone.

They’re blueberry muffins. From a mix. I kind of gave up today, don’t tell anyone.

I asked Andreas today if this was the ice age and no one told me and he was all “Um, *I* told you, unless you haven’t been reading my blog” and, yes. Yes, he did. Look, per Andreas, “We are currently experiencing a temporary thaw (or interglacial period) in the ongoing Pleistocene ice age. So, the current ice age hasn’t ended yet, it’s just on hold for an unknown number of thousand years.” We’re apparently in an ongoing ice age. Well, THAT’S depressing. Who likes THAT? No one, is who. Dammit. I told Andreas if this is the ice age I’m going to need to buy some earmuffs or something.

Is this going to be in my backyard soon, Andreas?

Is this going to be in my backyard soon, Andreas?

Then I told Dad Andreas said it was the ice age and Dad said, “No, it’s GLOBAL WARMING, that’s what that guy who invented the internet said.” And I said, “I think it can be both, Dad.” And then Dad said, “Did you know over 1,000 scientists said there is no global warming?”

Sometimes I try very hard not to laugh when Dad says things, because I love him. But sometimes he says things that are straight from Fox News and I can’t help myself.

“And probably over 10,000 scientists say there IS global warming,” I replied. Dad didn’t like that.

“Those scientists that are lying about global warming, do you know where they got their degrees?” he asked. I didn’t know how to answer this. “UNIVERSITIES!” he said, triumphantly.

I still didn’t know how to answer this.

“Um. So…the 1,000 other scientists have a degree from…the school…of hard knocks? Then? I am confused by this,” I said. “I would think that MOST scientists get their degrees from universities. That’s where degrees are usually bestowed upon people,” I said.

I don't know if I want my scientists being all sciency up in here if this is the degree they have, Dad.

I don’t know if I want my scientists being all sciency up in here if this is the degree they have, Dad.

“The UNIVERSITIES are run by the GOVERNMENT and the GOVERNMENT wants you to THINK there is global warming so they can give guns to other countries so they can kill us,” Dad said.

I’m not going to go into detail, mostly because it was a HUGE BALL OF CRAZY, but apparently Fox News told my dad today that the government was going to take millions of dollars to “change the weather” (“Ha ha, Amy, YOUR PRESIDENT thinks if he THROWS MONEY AT THE WEATHER it will CHANGE!” Dad said, and I replied with, “I don’t think they’ll be hucking dollar bills into the wind, Dad”) but really they were going to secretly give to other countries so they could arm their militias and then take over Merka. I don’t even…huh.

“Do you think maybe that money is so they can have scientists look for ways to help us SOLVE global warming?” I asked Dad.

He laughed and laughed. “Oh, Amy. I love you, but that’s what wrong with you people. Listen to me: THERE IS NO GLOBAL WARMING.”

(Just so you know, in case you were confused, “you people” means “liberals.” “Liberals” also means “idiots” or “braindead morons” or “sheep.” I like to remind Dad that “liberal” also means “his beloved daughter” but he doesn’t like to think about that.)

At that point, I just changed the subject to something else. But not the weather, because apparently that’s now a taboo subject. Pretty soon we’re only going to be able to talk about…um…I don’t even know. How much the people in line at the Walmart annoyed him today? Where to buy the cheapest old-people vitamins? I. Do. Not. Know. What. Topics. Are. Safe. Maybe Fox News should let me know what they’re going to lie about daily so I know what to avoid?

Alright. I have to make some non-euphemistic muffins, yo. Then I’m going to bed. In my warm cloud of blankets. Aaah.

Stay warm, my little blueberries. Also, keep your pets indoors. Dumbcat said I had to include that part, and I can’t argue with him. He’s too adorably furry.


Let ’em eat cookies. And drink soda, I guess.

Long, busy week, jellybeans. Lots of work, lots of stuff, lots of running around like a crazy person. This weekend I have a review to write, one more performance of Assassins to run, a show at my theater to usher, and my fancy fancy panel on Sunday. Plus I’m working all in there among all that fun stuff, and also I PROMISE I will try to blog. I will do my damndest. Like a BOSS. I’m ok, just running around like a looney. It’ll slow down a little this coming week, I think. We’ll see. You never can tell, with me. Things just pop up out of nowhere. ALL THE THINGS. Some better than others, I guess. Such is the life of someone JUST THIS FANCY.

Oh, in exciting news: apparently, there are Goodreads awards? Yeah, look how up on things I am. (The answer is, I’m not. Not at all.) Anyway, you can go on over here, if you are a Goodreads member, and you can write my book into the little write-in box at the bottom, and if enough of you do that, I’d advance to the next round. What would I win? Haven’t a clue, lovelies. But I like the IDEA of winning. Who doesn’t? I feel like an asshole, telling people to go vote for me in something, but if I don’t, probably no one will even know this thing is happening…so there you have it. Please vote, thank you! You are wonderful and I love your faces.

I have night-shift tonight. Blergh. It’s Halloween in Amy-land so I can’t even imagine what kind of shenanigans are going to happen tonight. Halloween brings out the loonies. Then tomorrow it’s back to days, so I’m thinking I’m going to be a sleepy girl tomorrow. This nomadic lifestyle! It is not for the faint of heart! Or for those unable to sleep, or without sleeping pills!

I have a brain full of scattery today, as you can see. I’m not 100% sure why, as I got a full night’s sleep last night and all. I guess some days I’m just more scattery. Who knows. Also, I think I might be getting sick? I don’t know. It might be allergies. There is a lot of coughing and hacking going on over here at Chez Football. Does a person get allergies at this point in the year? I don’t even know. I have a weird body. It’s possible.

The internet says I can have fall allergies. THANK YOU INTERNET. No thank you, fall allergies.

I just won a trip to the Bahamas. SEE YOU LATER SUCKAS! Seriously, has anyone ever taken those recorded telemarketer calls up on their offers? They seem like such a waste of time and resources. I can’t even tell you how many of those we get a day at work. My favorite is the one that starts with the very loud ship-horn. Because how better to win someone over than blasting a ship-horn in my ear! Very good marketing strategy. Makes me VERY eager to listen to the rest of the call. Unable to HEAR the rest of the call, because the VERY LOUD SHIP-HORN has deafened me, but SO EAGER to listen to the rest of your annoying spiel.

Look at the ship I’ll be on when I go on my Bahamas trip I TOTALLY JUST WON!!!

It’s getting colder here. I get to start wearing warmer clothes. I kind of love this time of year. It’s close to winter but not quite there yet and there’s this excitement in the air. It makes me happy. I get to start wearing jackets and scarves and things. I know, you’re all “BUT SUMMER IS BEST!” but for someone who is always too hot, this is the best time of year. Summer’s all sweaty and disgusting. Fall is the best season ever. I’ll totally fight you over this. (Winter’s fine, if I didn’t have to drive in the snow. Or deal with the other people who are terrible at driving in the snow and either drive 4 miles per hour or get all up on your tailfeathers and honk because they think YOU are driving too slow for the conditions when you are CLEARLY driving the SAFE SPEED for the conditions and if they were to hit any sort of slipperiness they would totally hit your beloved car and potentially give you all the whiplash.)

This made me laugh. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

I had to go to the store on Monday. Not for HURRICANE SANDY GROCERY SHOPPING ZOMG, but because it was my only day off this week so I had to grocery shop or else I wouldn’t have had a chance to do it at all. I was pretty sure it was going to be insane, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned around here, storms make people go crazy about stocking up on things. But! Luckily, I apparently hit it at just the right time, and it wasn’t that busy at all. But, here is what I learned about the groceries people buy for hurricane prep in the Capital District, based on what was missing from the shelves. The most popular things to stock up on seemed to be:

  • bread;
  • soda;
  • water;
  • and all the cookies.

The funniest part of this was the cookies. The cookie aisle was DECIMATED. There was one package of Oreos on the floor all stomped and half-open as if it had lost a very long battle. The cookie aisle had so many empty spots on the shelves. It made me laugh so hard. There was also one woman with TWO FULL CARTS OF SODA. Two! So if the water went out, she’d be covered, I guess? With soda? All the soda? So, if we had been hit hard by Sandy, we would have been eating (and drinking) all the carbs. ALL THE CARBS. And I guess drinking all the water.

Normal Oreo aisle! Not at MY store, not on Monday!

Oh, just a note: we were very lucky here, the hurricane did nothing but give us a little wind, and a little rain. Some people around here lost power, but otherwise we didn’t get much at all. This is a lucky thing, because I’m sure you’ve all seen what happened to my beloved New York City, and my heart hurts for them. I actually did laundry all in the storm, back and forth to the laundry room, and nothing more happened than it gave me crazy windblown hair. Which doesn’t look too much different than my regular hair, to be honest. So we didn’t get much. Our leaves mostly blew off the trees. That was the most we got around here. Thank you for that.

Look how badass my governor is. All strolling around in his jacket.

OK. off I go to eat some lunch and then run to work to deal with the Halloween craziness. Wish me very little Halloween craziness. I don’t know that I have the mental fortitude necessary this evening. One drunk crazy tries to tell me a story about a ghost or some such shit and I think I might send a poltergeist out to haunt him or something.


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