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Category Archives: Veronica Mars

“Apparently I’ve pleasured the swim team while jacked up on goofballs.”

Hello and happy Saturday! I totally have exciting and important posts in the works that require RESEARCH and HARD WORK but instead today we’re going to talk about sex. I KNOW TOTAL LETDOWN.

So I was playing around online (what? me? never) the other day and then started thinking about Veronica Mars (what, you don’t randomly start thinking of Veronica Mars here and there throughout your day? Shame on you) and then I thought of that purity test episode? “Like a Virgin?” From Season One? Did anyone but me watch Veronica Mars? Probably not, it got cancelled WHOO DOGIES FAST.

OK, so in the episode, people would take this purity test and then a computer hacker was selling the results and it was very embarrassing. Or maybe the results were fabricated. I don’t know. It’s been a while. I really need to rewatch it.

So then I thought, because I have ADD and SHINY, you know what, I think once I tried to take one of those purity tests, but then I kind of got bored because there were a kajillion questions so I quit. And, what was so embarrassing in those tests, I mean, kids are totally having sex when they’re like fetuses nowadays. LET’S TAKE A PURITY TEST.

And I’ll totally post my results online. Because I’m not embarrassed that I’m alternately a total whore and a completely frigid bitch.

So I decided to take this one, because there was a huge devil on the main page, and that seemed legit. Also, it gave me the option of the 1,000 question test or the 200 question test. Listen, I love you all like wildfire but I’m so not taking a 1,000 question ANYTHING, even if it would be a funny blog. I have old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy to cry over, here, I can’t just be effing around online all the hours of the day.

Also, it’s “unisex and omnisexual” which is a little worrisome but all-inclusive so that’s nice.

FIRST PAGE: Platonic Relations.

Really? That seems like a stupid place to start. Probably I’ll win this part.

After I finished that section, I was 98% pure. Hmm. Winning? I’m not sure yet. The questions were stupid and one asked if I ever shared a sleeping bag with someone without boning them. NO. Sleeping bags are HOT. I’m not getting in one of those with ANYONE. I don’t even like to get into them with myself. SO HOT. Also, I’m a restless sleeper, I’d end up strangling myself or the bonee.

SECOND PAGE: Auto-erotica and mono-sexualism.

Um. So masturbation, then? You couldn’t just say that? No? Sorry, sorry, I’m asking too many questions, carry on.

An actual question: “Have you ever bought blatant sexual objects? (This means that if you buy a bottle of Coke and you use it as a dildo, it really doesn’t count. Think: design and function.)” WHAT? COKE IS FOR DRINKING. People are doing this? Ow.

Second confusing actual question: “Have you ever made an X- or R-rated snowman/snowwoman?” Really? That seems like a huge waste of time. Also, it’s cold, and kids could see that, so maybe be less of the neighborhood creeper, thanks.

92% pure. I’m either totally winning or totally losing this, I’m not sure yet.

THIRD PAGE: Legislative misfits and other ethical questions.

Ooh! I am EXCITED ALREADY. I love ethics and the legislature! Although what they have to do with my purity I’m not quite sure. This is a lot more boring and confusing than I’d expected.

Ugh, forget it, they have NOTHING to do with the legislature. They want to know if I’m a whore and/or a thief and/or listen to other people screwing without them knowing it. This test is the suck. I WISH I was listening to someone having sex right now, seriously.

At the end of that I’m 89.5% pure. I kind of said no to everything in that section because it was all weirdo “have you ever stolen condoms from your Dad?” questions. NO THANKS SLAPPY.

FOURTH PAGE: Drugs.

Yay?

Hee, they want to know if I’ve used “Spanish fly.” YES. I am starring in a teen romp!

85.5% pure now. I kind of said yes to almost everything in the drugs section except maybe the Spanish fly thing. SORRY MOM.

FIFTH PAGE: Non-platonic.

How about “non-coma-inducing.” You’d think a purity test would be a little more titillating.

Oh, this one’s all “have you ever done mutual petting” and then leads up to naughtiness. NOW WE’RE GETTING TO IT PURITY TEST.

Also, there’s this: “Have you ever had sex with someone whose name you did not know, or whose face you never saw?” Well, I mean, there are all those Eyes Wide Shut parties I go to, DO YOU MEAN THOSE?

Also, it wants to know if I ever had sex with the Pope? I might have. I mean, you never know who’s behind those masks at the Eyes Wide Shut parties.

Shit, now I’m 73.5% pure. Is this going well? I can’t tell. Would it be going better if I’d said I HAD had sex with the Pope?

SIXTH PAGE: Non-Primary Choice Relations.

I have no effing idea what that even means.

Oh, wait, shit, I didn’t even read the instructions. I was all “THESE ARE THE SAME AS THE LAST PAGE” but I’m supposed to pretend they’re with a GIRL.

Why didn’t they just say “Pretend you’re with someone you don’t want to bump uglies with” at the top or something? This is getting totally difficult and I think might be trying to trick me. I WILL NOT BE FOOLED, PURITY TEST.

I’m still 73.5% pure. Apparently, kissing a girl for like .004 seconds in college didn’t even count for anything. DAMMIT YOU STRINGENT PURITY TEST.

SEVENTH PAGE: Alternate Choices.

That sounds like the school you’d be sent to if all the other schools kicked you out.

ZOMG they want to know if I had sex with a dead horse in this section. That’s certainly a choice. And it’s alternate. I’m going to say no to that one.

Also: “Have you ever practiced role-playing? (nurse-patient, teacher-student, border guard-well endowed co-ed, etc.)” What the hell? “Border guard-well endowed co-ed?” That’s a thing? That seems oddly specific and totally hysterical. I don’t think I could play that without cracking up halfway through. That would ruin the mood, right? Does the well-endowed co-ed crack up halfway through the border guard’s patdown?

I’m now 73% pure. I didn’t get a lot of questions right in that section. The dead horse thing made me totally nervous.

EIGHTH PAGE: Group Sexual Relations.

Can I just tell you right now I will end up with a 73% without even having READ any of the questions? No? FINE. I’m doing this for SCIENCE.

It wants to know if I ever walked in on people having sex – which it calls “committing an OOPS” – then joined in on the “OOPS.” That’s totally rude, what is this, a French film? NO, TEST. NO ONE DOES THAT.

Yep. As I thought. Still 73% pure. I don’t even like ONE person touching me very much, I can’t imagine I’d like MORE than one. Ugh.

NINTH PAGE: Extracurricular Deviant Conduct: Non-Sentient Objects

This is totally going to ask me about that Coke bottle again.

And! First question! COKE BOTTLE. Seriously, stop it. OUCH.

It also wants to know if I’ve ever used a ball gag. Now, listen, I totally have? But it was in a play, and I was the props mistress, and I had to put it on the guy every night? So probably that’s not what they mean. But it still makes me laugh that, YES, technically, I TOTALLY HAVE. Deviant!

72% pure. And 100% bored. This is totally taking my whole life to complete.

TENTH PAGE: Extracurricular Deviant Conduct: Locality

Let me guess. You want to know if I took my Coke bottle outside.

Mostly this wanted to know if I’ve ever done ANYTHING, including “neck” (WHO EVEN SAYS THAT ANYMORE GRANDMA) in places like boats, churches, trucks, snowbanks, and rooftops. I totally won this section.

69% pure. Told you. I used to make out ALL OVER THE PLACE. I totally made out in a church once. And a boat. I know, I was all teens-gone-wild for a while. It was all very Lifetime Movies for Women.

ELEVENTH PAGE: Extracurricular Deviant Conduct: Style

If this asks “Have you ever had sex then done jazz hands” I’m giving myself a gajillion points. That’s STYLE, baby.

Ooh, this is the last section. That’s totally exciting.

OK, this one wants to know if you like people to pee on you. That’s not STYLE. That’s MESSY.

Final answer: 65% pure.

So is that winning? Seriously, in order to get this lower, you have to do some really weird porn-star stuff. I’m not jazzed about that.

There’s a nice list of people on the side-scroll whose scores are presented. Depending on how we score, I am doing either better or worse than “ForeverAlone” who has 93% (aw! babe! You can totally fix that by the second page, that’s so sad!) “DJ Rayray” has 33.6%, which makes me worried about him and he’s totally outside my house building a naughty snowperson AS WE SPEAK, isn’t he, and someone named “NOT BAD FOR A VIRGIN, EH?” got 75.4%. Not bad, Canadian virgin. NOT BAD AT ALL. If by “bad” you mean “whatever these scores mean because I am totally confused and I think I’m totally too old to have taken this test.”

What have we learned, interwebs?

  • Purity tests are kind of the suck;
  • It IS possible to be bored shitless by something sex-related, who knew;
  • If something has the devil on the front page it doesn’t mean it’s going to be interesting;
  • The kids on Veronica Mars were making a big deal out of nothing and I probably need to do a rewatch because it isn’t really clear to me why they were bugshit crazy over this;
  • People seriously need to think about things before they use them for purposes other than what they were designed for (Coke bottles? I’m going to have nightmares about this, I swear)
  • I’m never going to be able to hear the phrase “don’t beat a dead horse” without laughing like a moron EVER AGAIN.

Enjoy your Saturday, my little perverty ruffians! Watch out for naughty snowpeople!

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My Top Five Most Anticipated Fall Shows. THEY ARE GEEKTASTIC.

Time for the final installment in our very exciting three-part series on fall television! OK, FINE, it’s only exciting for me. I AM VERY EXCITED. Like, crazy-eyed excited, yo. Fall television! It is enough to make a person jump up and down in their chair. Although I am still sick, so there will be no jumping, really. And as an aside, did you know when you call your doctor and tell them you are most likely dying, they don’t even believe you? It’s totally the case. I called my doctor, who was not there, and got a nurse, who was not in the least bit sympathetic to my almost-dying plight and told me that “these things happen” and that the doctor – the only one she was “comfortable” seeing me for this particular issue (so…if it’s such a common thing, why can’t any of the yahoos over there see me for it? Why the big kahuna only? I think this is suspicious) – is out of town until Monday and I couldn’t get in until then to see him. “So will I die in the meantime?” I asked her. “Probably not?” she said, in a doubtful tone. “But if you get better, feel free to call and cancel the appointment, to free it up for someone else!” Well. Well! I feel SO MUCH BETTER ALL ALONE WITH MY DEATH THANK YOU.

On to more exciting matters. Fall television! The top five new shows I am most excited about, in ascending order, so leaving the best for last. I realize that at least one, if not more, of these is going to be a disaster, and let me down a great deal. But right now anything is possible. It’s like the day before Christmas when you’re a kid. Anything could be under that tree, ANYTHING! And then the day after, you’re surrounded by shitty gifts like socks and store-brand Cabbage Patch Kids with wonky eyes and you ate too much candy so you feel gross but the day before is the BEST, right?

Also,you’re going to be able to tell (if you didn’t already know) by reading this list that I’m a huge geek. These shows are all filled with geekery. Two fantasy, one sci-fi, one horror, and one mystery which stars the goddess of geekdom herself. So if you don’t want to read this as a “shows I’m stoked about” post, read it as a “geeks, these are shows MADE FOR US!” list. I’m down with that.

Most Anticipated New Fall Television Shows

Once Upon a Time (10/23/11, ABC)

Premise: A mystery series where fairy tale characters live in a parallel world on our Earth where they don’t remember their true identities or lives.

Starring: Jennifer Morrison, Ginnifer Goodwin, Paula Marshall, Raphael Sbarge, Giancarlo Esposito, and some other people I don’t know

OK, before you say “this is going to SUCK!”, I love fairy tales, I love retellings and reimaginings of canonical stories, and I love fantasy series. Yes, I am aware this is probably going to be awful. It’s on ABC, which is worrisome. Sure, they brought us Lost – but they’re kind of hit-or-miss with things. Does anyone remember (I bet you don’t– IT WAS THAT BAD) Happy Town? It started with such promise and it was SO STUPID. ABC just let it trail off and you had to watch the last couple episodes online (and if you did, you left your computer stupider for it – the ending was ridiculous.) So yes, this could be awful. Also, Ginnifer Goodwin worries me, because I don’t like her acting much. But I think the premise is kind of awesome! It shows promise! I think there are a lot of places you could go with this, and so many fairy tales to mine from, that you could have story arcs for years to come, if it takes off! Yes, yes, I know, odds are VERY good it won’t. But I’m hopeful. Day before Christmas, remember?

It’s also worrisome that this is debuting in October. That can’t be a good sign.

Grimm (10/21/11, NBC)

Premise: A detective learns he is descended from hunters whose job is to protect humanity from fairy tale creatures loose in our world. (Um. Hmm. This is…a little derivative of Supernatural? But I love Supernatural. And Supernatural’s ending soon. So I’m cool with that, to some extent.)

Starring: No one I’ve ever heard of. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing.

I’m both excited and trepidatious about this. It looks fun! It’s on a major network! It’s got a fairy-tale angle, which as discussed above, I love! However. Stealing from Supernatural is a bit of a dick move. It could be completely different, but the “hunter” thing? Supernatural. The creatures? Supernatural. So I’m excited, but I’m going to wait and see. It’s still in my top five, because it has a lot of things that excite me. But I’m going to hang back before I throw myself at the feet of this one.

Seems like a weird fit for NBC. If this is another Persons Unknown debacle, I’m going to be pissed. (Tell me someone other than me watched that nonsense last summer. Wasn’t it so awful? I kept waiting to either care about one of the characters or for something to make sense. Neither happened. I wanted ten minutes alone in a cage with one of the writers.) Also debuting in October. What’s with that?

Terra Nova (9/26/11, FOX)

Premise: in America of the future, a family travels, via time machine, back to the age of the dinosaurs to start a new life

Starring: Jason O’Mara (yum!), Stephen Lang, Landon Liboiron from Life Unexpected, and other people I haven’t heard of; produced by Stephen Spielberg. Also starring lots of dinosaurs. BAM I SAID DINOSAURS.

This is probably on a lot of people’s short lists. I’m excited, but probably not as excited as most people. Here’s my worry – is it going to end up like Land of the Lost? Because I don’t think I could handle that. When I was a kid, Land of the Lost was on reruns Saturday mornings and it was SO STUPID. Also, I get the theme song stuck in my head at inappropriate moments even now, thirty years later, and I find myself singing “the laaaand…of the loooost….” and that’s kind of upsetting. Probably this will be better and Jurassic Park-like, right? But not Jurassic Park 2. That was awful, despite Vince Vaughn who I love. (Yes, I know he’s kind of a goofball. I don’t know why I love him. The heart wants what it wants.)

This should be good. Stephen Spielberg! Jason O’Mara! Or could be awful. Greenscreen acting! I am excited – it’s a huge sci-fi undertaking and is costing a lot of money and if it’s good, it will be very, very good – but also a little scared it’s going to be awful. But if it’s awful, it might be REALLY awful. Like, laugh-out-LOUD awful. Which is good in its own way, too.

American Horror Story (10/5/11, FX)

Premise: A family moves into a haunted home in California.

Starring: Connie Britton, Dylan McDermott, Jessica Lange, Frances Conroy, Denis O’Hare, ZACHARY EFFING QUINTO, and it’s produced by Ryan Murphy, mofos

This is so exciting I might pee my pants. Let me list the awesomeness, ready? It’s horror. That, first and foremost, wins me over. It’s on FX, so the special effects will be better, as will (probably) the writing. (Terriers was so good that I cried during the final episode, not because it was good – it was – but because it was being cancelled. And don’t get me started on the awesomeness of Justified and my cowboy boyfriend Raylan Givens.) The cast is kind of amazeballs, no? Jessica Lange? Denis O’Hare? SYLAR? Sylar’s going to be in this? I mean, you could put Sylar in pretty much anything and I’d watch it, so there’s that. Ryan Murphy, who (this past season of Glee aside) is kind of television magic?

Sylar. SYLAR! LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
You can’t look away. THEY ARE MESMERIZING.
I am very, very, very, times fifty very’s, excited about this. The fact that it’s starting in October isn’t as disturbing to me because it’s FX. Cable networks have different rules. They’re loners, Dottie. They’re rebels. Watch this because I’m going to want to discuss it with people and if no one’s watching it, it will be cancelled and I’ll be blue.

Ringer (9/13/11, CW)

Premise: A mystery series in which a twin impersonates her supposedly dead sister.

Starring: Oh, I don’t know. No one that exciting. Nestor Carbonell, a.k.a. “Eyeliner Dude,” from Lost. Kristoffer Polaha from Life Unexpected. OH WAIT ALSO JASON DOHRING. Excuse me for a minute, I think I just lost my shit and have to go find it again. There it is. AND ALSO SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR. My shit is officially lost and gone forever.

Now, I know I’ve mentioned time and time and TIME again how much I love Buffy. But have I mentioned my obsession with Veronica Mars? Like, watched each episode over and over, chatted in chatrooms, emailed people theories, loved Veronica Mars. JASON DOHRING IS IN THIS SHOW. You know about Logan Echolls, right? If you don’t, please immediately rectify this situation by getting Seasons One and Two of Veronica Mars. You can get Season Three, afterwards, because you’ll want to know what happens. It’s not as good, but it’s still ok. Jason Dohring played my favorite bad boy on television for three years, and I will love him for the rest of his (and my) life for that.

Oh, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this. I mean, I was already perma-squeeing about this when it was announced, due to Buffy having a new show. But then Jason Dohring. That is like the perfect pairing, really.

The plot – well, it’s been done. But I’m willing to give that a pass. It’s got potential. And with the two of them – um, LOGAN ECHOLLS YOU GUYS LOGAN ECHOLLS. Sorry. You really have to understand – Logan Echolls. Logan “I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me?” Echolls. Logan “Dream on, Jump Street, I’m not leaving you alone with her” Echolls. I would watch Jason Dohring in anything. (I actually did. I watched every single episode of that piss-poor vampire garbage show Moonlight because he was in it, and that shit was PAINFUL. But Jason Dohring!)

LOGAN ECHOLLS. If you don’t love him, you
are missing part of your SOUL.

Fine, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar. This show has geek cred. I think a lot of geeks are lining up for this one. And it starts TOMORROW. This is very exciting. I am already planning my evening around this.

So happy fall viewing! Let’s do a recap halfway through and see where we stand, ok? I bet something gets cancelled after only a couple of episodes. That’s always my favorite. I love a good crash-and-burn.


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