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Category Archives: summer

Each thing I do I rush through so I can do something else.

Each thing I do I rush through so I can do/something else. In such a way do the days pass–/a blend of stock cars racing and the never ending building of a gothic cathedral./Through the windows of my speeding car, I see/all that I love falling away: books unread,/jokes untold, landscapes unvisited… ― “Pursuit,” Stephen Dobyns

I have exactly an hour to write this before getting to bed. I’m really trying to get at LEAST seven hours of sleep a night right now. I went lower than that earlier in the week and the yawning at my desk was getting a little distracting to my coworkers. I love my job a ton and then a ton more, but it’s not the kind of job where you’re doing a lot of different things. You’re thinking a lot, so it’s not like it’s one of those emotion-killer jobs, not even a little…but you get in a routine. And when you’re half-asleep, nothing pushes you over the edge into sleepytown like a routine. Open the folder (yawn) start researching if all the things we need to write this policy are here where they should be (yawn, blink blink blink), go into the computer program to write the policy (MEGA-yawn, eyes getting a little closey now)…you get the idea.

What? I'm not yawning. I'm...stretching my jaw out. For all that future singing that I'm going to be doing. Yep. Totally doing that.

What? I’m not yawning. I’m…stretching my jaw out. For all that future singing that I’m going to be doing. Yep. Totally doing that.

Andreas tells me I need more than seven hours of sleep, and that eight hours is recommended. Well, eight hours seems like a lot, doesn’t it? And I’d love to get eight hours, but when would I blog? NEVER, is when. (Also, I try to catch up on the weekends, or at least on Saturday nights/Sunday mornings when I have a chance, but my body’s all “NOPE! SORRY BUCKAROO!” and wakes me up after about seven hours of sleep, even if I wanted more. Stupid sabatogey body.)

So. Lots going on around here. I have actual, honest-to-goodness post ideas for you, but no time to do them justice (and half a draft written for Insatiable Booksluts that I MUST get done after work tomorrow night, must must must!) and SO MANY THINGS going on. Like, a million and a half things. This is, most likely, why I can’t get any sleep. I have too many things in my brain-area. How do you people turn these things off when it’s sleeping-time? Don’t even say alcohol or drugs, I’m an old lady and I don’t do those (anymore.)

I AM TRYING.

I AM TRYING.

So, in brief, what I have going on ’round these here parts before the month is out:

  • Two, yes, TWO, out-of-town trips – and not even for the theater! For FUN! (Well, the theater’s pretty fun, too, I have to admit.) In a little over a week I’m going to visit the most lovely Bronwyn down in the Catskills, which is very exciting for many reasons. I never thought I’d get to meet her, since she lives in the faraway wilds of distant Canada, AND she was one of my first Twitter people/internet friends/blog readers! I have known her for over two years! This is a meetup quite some time in the making. We are going to have an epic adventure. Well, a brief epic adventure, since she’s leaving town not long after…but a brief adventure is better than no adventure at all!
    Then, a week later, I am headed northwest to visit the equally-lovely Laura, one of my fellow Booksluts, before she leaves our fair state for the more humid climes of the south! We are having an afternoon of chatting and eating and MORE chatting and laughing and have decided we will talk about both SRS BSNS and fun-times. As two most amazing Booksluts are apt to do.
    Yes, I promise I will take some photos!
  • Much writing of blog posts and book reviews and various and sundry other things. I will most likely be glued to the laptop when I am not doing other things.
  • Things that are keeping me busy like reading, and working, and plotting a big surprise-thing I’m working on, talking to Andreas with my face, and sometimes watching a little TV and hanging with Dumbcat. (I came home way too late the other day and Dumbcat was AMAZED I WAS NOT DEAD. And he was VERY VOCAL about it. “Meow, Mom!” he said. A lot. And loudly. “MEOW! Where have you been? MEOW! I’ve been HERE, in our HOME, but you have NOT! MEOW MEOW!” Then when I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom he kept walking by the door, pausing, MEOW!-ing into the door, and walking by. Then walking BACK by in the OTHER direction, MEOW!-ing, and walking by again. Over and over. Back and forth. I was seriously giggle-choking on toothpaste. HE NEEDED SOME SERIOUS ATTENTION, YO.)

    OMG. This is totally Dumbcat. LOOK AT ME MOM LOOK AT ME MOM.

    OMG. This is totally Dumbcat. LOOK AT ME MOM LOOK AT ME MOM.

  • Plotting some other things that are futurey things, like trips and visits and such. They do not need IMMEDIATE planning but they are back-burner planning things that are always being thought about.
  • Maybe doing some artsy things, if I have time to shoehorn those in.

Those are a LOT of things. Also, were you aware the summer’s almost over? It’s totally true. It’s already August! I’m happy about this, because summer = hot and humid and gross, but it is kind of baffling that the summer is already almost gone. Poof. Just like that. That went by pretty quickly, didn’t it? Whoo.

Have happy and restful and relaxing weekends, all. Do something summery. Maybe have an adventure. August is for squeezing in those last few adventures before it starts getting chilly. Go have one, ok? Good, good. Go forth and adventure.

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What they don’t tell you about walking on sunshine is that it is SO SO HOT.

It’s hot.

Like, heat-wave hot.

BEYOND hot.

Like, living on the surface of the SUN hot.

(Now is when Andreas tells me I am exaggerating.)

Today, I asked my boss if somehow we were living in Tucson and no one told us. She thought maybe.

I'm pretty sure if I looked outside today, I'd see this.

I’m pretty sure if I looked outside today, I’d see this.

It’s the kind of hot where everything’s making me cranky, and I don’t want to leave the house, and there just aren’t enough cool things like icy beverages and popsicles and cold showers in the world to make it better, and I just don’t want to do anything but sit around and sigh sadly.

SO CRANKY AND HOT.

SO CRANKY AND HOT.

(Don’t you even tell me, as my mom always does, “You’ll WISH it was this hot when WINTER gets here!” Because I will NOT think that. I NEVER wish it to be this hot. And even when it’s super-cold in the winter, I don’t get this lethargic and crabby. I’m much better at cold than I am at hot. I HATE HEAT.)

According to a map I saw of Merka, it’s hot all over the place, except in a few places it’s in the 70s. (Well, I suppose in Alaska it’s cooler, but also there are moose and such up there, so that barely counts.)

Welcome to Merka! MONSTER HEAT WAVE!

Welcome to Merka! MONSTER HEAT WAVE!

So, because a lot of my readers are living where it’s quite toasty at the moment, I thought we could look at a helpful list of tips I found on the internet for staying cool when it’s hot out. That’ll be good, right? Yep. Totally will. We’ll think cool thoughts together.

Here’s the list. Ready?

1. Have a water-drinking competition with your family. I don’t think drinking water is competitive, and I know I read somewhere that if you drink too much of it, you can actually get water intoxication. You feel drunk and it makes you sick and stuff. I don’t know the science and I’m too hot to look it up. Something about imbalancing your chemicals or something. I bet Andreas knows. Just drink enough water so you don’t get dehydrated and don’t dare each other to drink more. Also, it’ll make you pee. Like, a LOT.

2. Sit in front of the air conditioner and eat marshmallows (sort of the opposite of roasting marshmallows over a campfire…) What the hell? This is foolish. Just eat whatever you want in front of the air conditioner. Popsicles. Fried chicken. Oreos, I don’t care. Weirdo.

3. Put an ice cube on your skin and see how long it takes to melt. Ooh, is this like naughty-times? Because it’s too hot for naughty-times. Get off me. GET OFF ME, I SAID.

Is she SLEEPING on the ice cubes? What is happening here?

Is she SLEEPING on the ice cubes? What is happening here?

4. Use a fan to blow your hair around like a fashion model’s and take pictures. And you have to do this during a heat-wave why? You could do this anytime. Also, you’re going to look weird, not sexy. Just so you know.

Well, this dog looks pretty good. But dogs always do.

Well, this dog looks pretty good. But dogs always do.

5. Read that book you haven’t had time to read because you’re usually outside. Ha! “Usually outside.” It’s like you don’t know me at all. I avoid outside as if it’s filled with bugs, sun, and strangers. Oh. Wait. It is.

6. Call a neighbor and invite them over for ice cream. No, because a., I don’t know or want to know any of my neighbors, and b. none of my friends are going to want to drive across town in this kind of heat for something they could get from their own freezers.

And if they eat it like this, I TOTALLY don't want them to come over. This is just creepy-times.

And if they eat it like this, I TOTALLY don’t want them to come over. This is just creepy-times.

7. Spend the day wandering around your local air-conditioned mall (assuming you have an air-conditioned way to get there). I actually somewhat agree with this one. One summer it was so hot my roommate and I were dying so we went to the mall and we watched a movie in comfort (we didn’t have air conditioning in that place) and we so, so, SO didn’t want to go home. But we had to. Because you can’t live in the mall, as much as you want to. But I don’t suggest spending the DAY there. I mean, you might as well go to work. Work’s air-conditioned, right?

8. Have a movie marathon–of movies that take place in the winter. This isn’t going to make you feel cooler. But if you want to watch movies, go to, I guess. Also, did I mention eat popsicles? Do that.

Watch this movie if you have to watch a cool movie. This movie is the best thing. (Ang Lee's "The Ice Storm." Highly recommended.)

Watch this movie if you have to watch a cool movie. This movie is the best thing. (Ang Lee’s “The Ice Storm.” Highly recommended.)

9. Call an elderly friend or relative and make sure they’re doing all right. OMG, everyone always says this. Who are these lonely forgotten old people, and why must we all be reminded to check on them? I’m guessing they’re old people that have no one, and that makes my heart hurt. My old people are fine. Mostly that means my grandmother, because the rest of my old people have died of non-heat-related reasons.

10. Soak in a tub of lukewarm water. I don’t like tubs, because they seem filthy to me. Also, when it’s hot, I want cold water. Not lukewarm. Cold. So I’m freezing. Then that cold lasts for like twenty minutes when I get out and then I’m all hot again, but still. It’s better than nothing. Dad says that only crazy people take cold showers and that the SHOCK will KILL me but I’ve been doing it for years and I’m still kickin’, baby.

I'm rarely this HAPPY in the cold shower, though. Who the hell is? It's cold. You move fast or you freeze.

I’m rarely this HAPPY in the cold shower, though. Who the hell is? It’s cold. You move fast or you freeze.

11. Write a note to remind yourself not to complain about cold temperatures next winter. Then write a note to remind yourself to stop being a supercilious asshat.

12. Have a sub sandwich buffet for supper: set out rolls, meats, cheese, veggies, and condiments, and let your family put together their own sandwiches. I don’t have a family. Who’s going to eat this Subway shop I’ve set up in my house? Dumbcat? He doesn’t like human food. It makes him hide under the couch. What a waste of all those things. I mean, there are only so many sandwiches I can eat, you know?

13. Give yourself permission to be a little lazy; after all, in this kind of heat you shouldn’t try to do too much. Except work, grocery shopping, laundry, packing for vacation, hanging with Dumbcat, doing a million theater reviews…yeah. I don’t know that I have an option to kick back and be lazy, yo. Sorry, me.

These don’t seem to have been very helpful tips. Here are MY tips.

  • Sit in front of the air conditioning
  • Eat all icy things all the time
  • Tell Dumbcat to get off you because he’s so heavy and so furry and so hot, even though you love him
  • Try very hard not to get cranky over things that wouldn’t normally bother you because it’s really just the heat speaking
  • Go swimming if you like such things and can swim (I do not, and cannot)
  • Don’t do things that make you extra hot, like cleaning the house, moving heavy furniture, or riding the mechanical bull (one or more of these is a euphemism, you can decide which)

Stay cool, my little ice cubes. And if you are my real-life most-beloved, and I am snappy, please know I am not snapping at YOU, but at the HEAT, which is like WALKING INTO A DAMN OVEN.

RIGHT INTO AN OVEN.

RIGHT INTO AN OVEN.

Ahem.

Happy Tuesday.

HAPPY TUESDAY.

So…so…hot…


When it’s summer in the city, and you are so long gone from the city, I start to miss you, baby, sometimes

I am settled in to watch Game of Thrones and am REALLY hoping something shocking and bloody happens tonight which I will not spoil in case you either aren’t caught up or haven’t read the books. But I totally would like to see some craziness happen, here, HBO.

ANYWAY, the weekend is over, and I hope you all had happy weekends of happiness. I worked (and worked and WORKED) on Saturday and it was just as crazy as predicted. Most of the very upset people had broken air conditioners. Broken air conditioners in 90 degree weather = yelling at the answering service. Also, a lot of the local apartment complexes just do not care if your air conditioner is broken on the weekend. This might be something you should look into when you’re thinking of moving into an apartment. Just ask, “Soooo, what’s your policy if my air conditioner breaks on a Saturday afternoon, by the way?” and if they say, “You’re shit outta luck, sonny Jim,” well, maybe look for a new place. Rather than calling me on a Saturday afternoon and threatening me by saying “If you don’t get my air conditioner working, I WILL FIND YOU. And also call every ten minutes until you do.” Oh, ok, then, buckaroo, let me pull my air conditioner repair diploma out of cold storage (ha! cold storage! get it?) and I’ll be RIGHT OVER.

Thumbs-up, yo!

Thumbs-up, yo!

Then Sunday I went to a play which was very good but I was ridiculous and forgot my umbrella and HOLY DOWNPOUR. I got to my car really, really soggy. My own damn fault. I knew it was going to rain. I put the umbrella where I wouldn’t forget it. And then I promptly forgot it. Sometimes I totally win at life. She says sarcastically.

ANYWAY, it is now summer. Yes, yes. I know it’s not officially summer until the solstice. But I consider June 1 to be the first day of summer for me. June, July and August are summer months, dammit, and I don’t need the solstice to tell me it’s summer. The heat and humidity are here, the sun’s coming up at an ungodly early hour, and Dumbcat’s lolling around in sunbeams as cats are wont to do. My air conditioner’s been going on overtime for days. Yep, it’s summer, solstice be damned. (Not really. I love the solstice. It’s magic-time.)

Well, THIS is sciency, right?

Well, THIS is sciency, right?

I don’t love summer. I don’t do well with heat, I don’t love sun, I get crabbity at how long the days are. I know. Most people look forward to summer and it’s just their favorite thing. Not me. There’s something wrong with me, right? Don’t care. I look forward to autumn with the cool nights and the leaves falling crisp off the trees.

However, even though summer and I do not get along, not even a little bit, I have many grand plans for the next few months. If there’s anything I’m good at doing, it’s making plans.

LUCY’S FOOTBALL’S SUMMER OF AWESOMENESS!

Vacation! End of July! Nine whole days off! Going up north to the mountains and one of my favorite places in all the world! Where it will be quiet and smell like pine trees and I will read many books and make many campfires and eat many things cooked on the grill. Mom and I are going to a play; Dad and I will have some sort of adventure; hopefully my brother and I will get to hang a little and I’ll get to see his dog, who I love and haven’t seen in a while. (Yes, I think about seeing animals while I’m on vacation.) I will also get to see Helper Mule, and in news of awesome, Mom has asked me to bring Dumbcat with me because there are mice at camp and she thinks he will eat some and also scare the rest away. I get to go on vacation with my best buddy, aw! That’s nice because I hate leaving him behind. He’s so sad when I get home. He thinks I’ve abandoned him. This will be nice for him. He gets a little vacation, too! And also to hunt mice! It’s going to be like Cat Disneyland for him up there!

Look out, mousey, Dumbcat's comin' to town!

Look out, mousey, Dumbcat’s comin’ to town!

Montreal! On the Sunday I arrive upstate, I will be making the trek to Montreal! Much fun will be had. Many adventures. One of which will be actually DRIVING in Montreal. But I will persevere. I am very brave. Plus I will get to meet Le Clown and Sara, so that’s really worth scary city-driving, right? Right.

Look how pretty, aw!

Look how pretty, aw!

Reading! I have many reading plans for the summer. First, I have two MEGA HUGE BOOKS I am reading. Infinite Jest, for the Summer of Jest readalong with some of my favorite internettians (yes, I know, I should have read it by now, but I was afraid it was too smart for me, and I hate books that make me feel stupid) and A Dance with Dragons, because I’m about to get spoiled by the TV show and I would hate that. I will also be reading OTHER books in-between THOSE books, because this summer there are TWO new Stephen King books coming out (Joyland and The Dark Man) and a new Neil Gaiman (The Ocean at the End of the Lane) along with all the other things I need to be reading and such. I know. It’s utterly impossible to cram enough words into my eyeholes to please me.

Television! I will be finishing the new season of Arrested Development, catching up on the 4 months I’m behind on current television shows, and, if time permits, starting Doctor Who because sj says it is something I need to do. That’s a lot of television. I’m aware. Also, True Blood starts in a couple of weeks, and Under the Dome starts at the end of June. So many good things!

I'd be lying if I said I had high hopes for "Under the Dome," but I'll still watch it. Of course I will.

I’d be lying if I said I had high hopes for “Under the Dome,” but I’ll still watch it. Of course I will.

Plays! I get to see a LOT of theater this summer. And get PAID for it! I have three reviews this month, and they’re all at fancy theaters. And there will be more in July and August! So exciting! Even better, the three reviews this month are in Massachusetts, and I have never even BEEN in Massachusetts! I’m totally going on an ADVENTURE!

Shower/Wedding! Friends A. and K. are getting married this summer! I have friend K.’s wedding shower this weekend and then the wedding is in August and am I going to cry? Well! Yes I am! Because I am so happy for them!

Readings! Many good authors are coming to town this summer! First, and most excitingly, Neil Gaiman at the end of the month! Then in July, Robert Pinsky (who used to be the Poet Laureate), Joyce Carol Oates (whee! SO EXCITING!), Russell Banks (who wrote The Rule of the Bone and The Sweet Hereafter) and Rick Moody (he wrote The Ice Storm, which I LOVE.)

Pretty sure Gaiman's counting the days til I get to meet him, right? Right.

Pretty sure Gaiman’s counting the days til I get to meet him, right? Right.

So, there! Even though I will be hot, and uncomfortable, and crabby, I will be doing a lot of amazing things over the next few months. This is how you take LEMONS and turn them into LEMONADE, people. Shit. Now I want lemonade.

I hope you all have grand summer plans as well! Maybe yours include beaches and parks and such? Those are valid choices. I don’t judge.

(And because it makes me both happy and melancholy, here’s Regina Spektor’s “Summer in the City” where I got the title of this post. I kind of love her.)


It is September. STOP WITH THE HEAT WAVE, SEPTEMBER.

I have a billion things to do and have to be in bed in about an hour and a half. And this post isn’t even started yet. Not even close. Also, somehow this apartment is 900 degrees tonight, but I utterly refuse to turn the AC back on. IT IS SEPTEMBER. No no NO, AC. It should not be 80 degrees in September, and it should not be 900 degrees in my apartment. Dumbcat is LAZING and it is like ice cream sundae weather in here and BLERGH. Why does fall keep flirting with me and then backing off? You’re being a cocktease, fall. I am unimpressed. No one likes a cocktease.

SO SO HOT.

Voting happened. The women there were less than happy to be there. I don’t understand that. Why would you NOT be happy to work the polls? You’re helping DEMOCRACY! And I hear they pay you to do it. You’re getting paid to help people vote, come on, people, be HAPPY about that! Anyway, there were fewer races on the ballot than the newspaper voting guide told me there would be (why does that always happen? local paper, please get your shit together, some of us want to plan our voting beforehand) and so therefore I only had three races to vote for. So I filled in my scantron voting sheet (sigh, there is no decorum in a scantron) and then started to walk to the machine where it scans your sheet to see if you passed the test, I guess, and the lady was all “MA’AM! MA’AM! NOT THAT MACHINE!” and another lady was like “MYRTLE ALL MACHINES ARE THE SAME LET HER GO WHEREVER” and then the first lady was like “NO NO NO SHE HAS TO GO HERE” and then the side of the machine they sent me to was the exit-only side and that wasn’t the right side and they were all “NO NO NO!!!” and seriously, people, JUST EFFING LE T ME VOTE ALREADY. It’s the ONLY HAPPY THING I GET TO DO TODAY DAMMIT. (I totally voted for all the underdogs. I feel like I need an underdog win right now.)

Aw, Underdog! This was MY favorite cartoon as a kid. How uncool does that make me? I don’t even care.

There is a diaper commercial that keeps coming on that says it provides “heavy dooty protection.” I don’t think if I had a baby I would buy that diaper. Out of principle. There’s no need for bad punnery, people. Even when babies are concerned.

What the hell? Gross.

Oh, in case you were wondering (you were, right? What? You weren’t? SHAME SHAME ON YOU) Ken arrived in London safe and sound and as I write this is cuddling with Elaine’s lovely pup Poppet. YAY FOR BON VIVANTERY! (Real bon vivantery, not fictional bon vivantery. Both have their place, but as in life, real trumps fiction almost every time.)

I randomly found this online. A WHOLE CLUB FOR LES BON VIVANTS! OUI OUI!

I was considering talking about the most horrendous animal cruelty case ever that was on our news last night but I don’t have the mental space to take up with that. Let’s just suffice it to say that I kind of want to take animal cruelty people and do exactly to them what they did to the animals. Which is kind of ironic, because I don’t feel that way very often when it comes to human-on-human cruelty. I’m all about letting the courts sort it out and such. I don’t think the courts always make the most just decisions, but what can you do. But when people are hurting animals I get very, very stabby. I assume this comes from a., the fact that I love animals more than people, and b., the amount of shit I saw (heh, literal and figurative) when I worked at the humane society all those years ago. Listen. PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE. I don’t even want to go into it, but the things people do to animals…I can’t even. You don’t even want to know. Like, you might think you know, from watching Animal Planet? And sure, that’s some stuff. But Animal Planet doesn’t show you the worst stuff. Promise. Because kids might watch Animal Planet.

Beagle puppy says “Animal abusers make Amy TOTALLY FURIOUS, yo.”

But the news was talking the other night about “why should we have our police officers investigate animal cruelty other than legally they have to” and they were like, “we have classes for our police officers explaining why they should take animal cruelty seriously” and is this even a question? LISTEN FOR A MINUTE. If you are capable of harming an animal, you are capable of harming a human. It’s been scientifically proven. It’s not just a theory I’ve got kicking around, sunshine. One of the first things the psychiatrists look out for in bebeh sociopaths? Animal cruelty. Aside from it being evil and loathsome and you’re injuring a creature that can’t protect itself, you waste of breath, you’re well on your way to rampin’ it on up to hurting humans. You’re not fooling anyone.

Anyway, stop with the animal cruelty. It makes me want to stab chopsticks through your eardrums. Animals are soft and puffy and just want to love you. And if you are not capable of loving them, bring them to a shelter, asshole.

OK. Have to get to bed. No time for love, Dr. Jones. IT IS SO HOT I WANT TO TAKE AN ICE CUBE BATH GAH WTF SEPTEMBER APARTMENT OF HELL.

 


She’s talking in her sleep; it’s keeping me awake

Random crap Tuesday? Sure, I don’t have any other plans. Buckle up, cowboys! Wow, that was kind of a stupidly mixed metaphor. Cowboys don’t wear SEATBELTS.

In news of the MOST random, want to hear a most excellent German word? Schnarcht. Guess what it means. No, seriously, guess. SNORING. Now say it out loud. (No, I don’t know how to pronounce it correctly, either. Probably there are like three of you reading that do.) Doesn’t it just LOOK and SOUND like snoring? It totally does. It’s like a little German onomatopoeia!

In news of snoring, which I was explaining to Ken on Twitter, I am the loudest snorer in the history of the world, and probably I need a C-PAP machine but I don’t care for those because Dad has one and I put it on once and it made me feel like I was in a wind tunnel that was sucking my breath.

Seriously, how would a person sleep with one of these on? Comfortably, I mean? That can’t happen. Also, sexy? No.

I snore like a lumberjack. So, probably it’s good that I’m single, because otherwise, whoever hitched his euphemistic wagon to my star would be really, really tired all the time. Or I need a deaf person. Or someone who can sleep in another room with that sound-baffling material all on the walls like in a recording studio. According to ex-roommates, I also hold detailed conversations in my sleep, in which I play all the roles, and I sometimes laugh. There’s even a word for that. Somniloquy! It’s like I’m in a Shakespearean nighttime drama. None of this surprises you, does it? I don’t have an off-button! Even when I’m SLEEPING! Someday (let’s hope) I’ll have a nice repeat overnight visitor who finds this all very entertaining and we’ll get him to record it. I’d like to know what I’m saying in my sleep. Mom was all, “Um, that could be bad. What if you’re spilling SECRETS?” What secrets, like my biscuit recipe? Sheesh, Mom, there really aren’t any bodies buried anywhere. What exactly do you think I do down here all day, mobster-stuff? I’m living a soap-opera? Nope. Nothing that exciting. Sorry to disappoint.

Ay, Dios mio!

(Also, in “I have a very active nighttime life” news, about a week ago, I woke up CONVINCED one of you had died. I won’t say which one. It will freak you right the hell out. That’d freak ME out. It’s like a PORTENT of EVIL. Let’s name the person…Pat. That is a gender-non-specific name.

Pat doesn’t look like this. Pat is lovely.

I sat up straight in bed around 2am, and said, out loud, “Oh, no. I have to let everyone know. I have to. They NEED to know.” See, I apparently had had a dream that I thought was TOTALLY REAL in which Pat had died, and one of Pat’s loved ones had contacted me and tasked me with telling all of the internet that Pat was no longer among us. I was the only one, other than Pat’s loved ones, who knew Pat was dead. Yes, I realize this makes very little sense. Why would Pat’s loved ones only tell me that Pat was dead? I don’t know. It was a dream. They don’t make sense. The thing is, I apparently was kind of sleepwalking. I thought it was real.

Man, it’s a good thing there are a lot of steps and such before I get outside. I’d end up all wandering through the woods in my nightgown. And it’s really unkempt.

So I sat up sure this was true. I reached for my phone, so I could tell everyone Pat was dead. However, I had forgotten to charge my phone the night before, so my phone was charging in the living room. I actually GOT OUT OF BED to WALK TO THE LIVING ROOM to GET MY PHONE to tell EVERYONE Pat was dead. I was standing in the middle of my bedroom, kind of swaying? You know, when you’re like 98% asleep? And I actually said, OUT LOUD, “Wait. I THINK I AM DREAMING. PAT IS NOT DEAD.” Then I stood there half-asleep for a few more minutes, thinking, “Is it a dream? Is it not? Should I tell the internet Pat is dead?” Then I decided, no, it is a dream. Because I would be crying if Pat was dead, because I love Pat, and how sad would it be if Pat was dead? Why would I just be SLEEPING? Like it was not a big DEAL? That didn’t make any sense. So I went back to bed. Can you even imagine if my phone had been next to my bed? I would have, like, posted on Facebook or Twitter or here or wherever that Pat was dead. Then I’d wake up in the morning to a million messages, some of them FROM Pat, all, “Um. Amy? I’m …um…not dead? What is happening WHAT IS HAPPENING.” So. There is the story of how my brain works at 2am. Also, I think I need to start keeping my phone in the living room, just for safekeeping. Oh, and because I’m sure you’ve been worried: PAT IS ALIVE. I checked as soon as I woke up.)

It was a very exciting week last week. Much book announcement ruckus. Covers! Release dates! All kinds of excitement. I’m totally bouncing like Tigger right now, I can’t even tell you. Bounce, bounce, bounce. Just a little over two weeks, and then BOOK RELEASE DAY! Also, I have lined up – ready? Ready for this? – REVIEWERS! I know it, right? How fancy is THAT! I think I have 4 now? 5? People who will READ my BOOK! And tell people about it! I am very excited about this. Thank you, my reviewers! I hope they love it. But even if they don’t, doesn’t matter. I’m just excited they’ll read it. I want them to be honest, anyway. I’d rather an honest review than a lying liar who lies review.

Yo, here’s a CAT reviewer. How do I pitch a cat reviewer? I think a cat would give me a VERY good review! I am a FRIEND of cats. ALL cats.

Anyway, when I announced this, I hoped (rightly, I love your faces) all my internet people would be awesome and excited, because you’re all awesome, but as I’ve mentioned a million times before (and I find this utterly baffling, I mean, not because I’m so scintillating in real life, but shouldn’t your real-life people be even more involved in your life than your “imaginary” friends?) my real-life people don’t seem to care what’s happening in the land of me, so I didn’t even tell anyone in real life (and before you ask, YES, I absolutely HAVE tried, and then I gave up), hardly, until I realized, huh, I probably should, even if it sells one book, it might be worth it. Plus I’m super-stoked. So I put it up on Facebook last week. And GOOD GRACIOUS. It’s amazing when sometimes people surprise you, isn’t it? My real-life people WERE excited! I was honored and humbled and also we annoyed poor Ken to distraction because I THOUGHT it would be a good thing to tag him in the post, because he did the cover and I wanted to make sure he got credit for that, but I honestly thought (as with most things I post on Facebook) no one would CARE, I had no idea people would RESPOND, so he started getting a kajillion emails because he’s signed up to get emails every time someone comments on a post he’s tagged in. SORRY KEN. If it helps at all, I felt terrible about the emails. I did NOT feel terrible he was getting the credit he deserved for the beautiful, beautiful cover. (KEN! Take off your Facebook email notifications, goofball.) So, yeah. Real life people, I am sorry I underestimated you. I’ll try to be better about that in the future.

Aw, sorry hamster (or some sort of rodent, who knows what this is, not me!)

Also, this weekend, I got to see the first rough draft of the book (eeee!) and it is BEAUTIFUL. I can’t even TELL you. I had a little editing work to do and I did it and then I honestly fell down a wormhole of paging through the PDF over and over and OVER and saying things like, “Hey, HEY, I totally WROTE that, that’s a nice turn of phrase, right there, too bad the person that inspired that is such an asshat” (oh, wait, no, of COURSE I’d never think that, us poets are SO above that, ahem.) It’s amazing and it’s beautiful and I can’t wait for you all to see it.

On the same day my book’s coming out, my friend and co-blogger at The Loser’s Table (which I SWEAR we have not forgotten about, it’s just…well…we’re all a little busy at the moment) Cara has a book coming out as well. On the same day! So of course you’re going to want to read Cara’s book as well. It is called Elegantly Wasted, look look look how pretty Erin‘s cover is, and I can’t wait to read it.

Cara’s been working her ass off on it and I’m so proud that we’re both Luna Station authors. Congratulations, Cara! You know, I really know some crazy-talented people. It amazes me. I’m so proud to have them all in my life, I can’t even explain.

In weather news (what, that’s fun, right? Don’t we ALL love talking about the weather?) we are having a DROUGHT. Our grass is yellow; our trees are yellow; our skies are blue blue blue blue and it is hoooooot. Hot and humid. It’s like living in a swamp only there’s no water in this swamp. It’s kind of the worst.

This is what our grass looks like right now. It is unpretty.

Even up where my parents live, where it’s always wet, it’s dry. The governor put the state under a three-month outdoor burn ban because of all the droughtiness. My dad’s all, “well, that’s it, it’s over, it’s never going to rain again” because he’s filled with joy and a whole pot of optimism. And, because it’s so, so dry, guess what happened up where my parents live this past weekend? A GIGANTIC FOREST FIRE! I’m not even kidding! My dad has a wood lot (people have such things at home, it’s where you cut your firewood and also hang out for fun sometimes and look at squirrels), and it caught on FIRE! Two ACRES of fire! Fire that got under the pine needles and lasted until the next DAY! It was all very upsetting and FIVE different fire departments had to be called in and Dad almost passed out from heat stroke because it was over 90 degrees that day and I scolded him and scolded him for almost dying. Apparently it’s out now but that was a scary thing. The whole WOODS could have burned down. That wouldn’t have been fun. Where would the fairies and frog princes live?

I don’t think it was this big. But if you Google “little forest fire” you don’t get a lot of results, oddly.

Also, Dad’s all put out because the local paper but a blurb about the fire on Facebook. “I DON’T WANT TO BE ON FACEBOOK! THAT’S WHY I DON’T HAVE AN ACCOUNT!” he said. “Dad, they didn’t say your name, just that there was a fire somewhere on that road, you’re safe,” I replied. “STALKERS WILL KNOW!” he howled. Oh, Dad. It must be so hard to live in your head. A place so full of ruckus and I’m guessing bees.

In happier news, The Nephew was at my parents’ house the last time I called, and he was building LEGO TOWERS! That almost went to the CEILING, Aunt Amy! And when my mom asked him if he wanted to talk to me, he said, “I do NOT want to talk to her!” (kid hates the phone; that’s ok, I’m not a fan of it myself) but when my mom tried to put the speakerphone on and couldn’t, he said, “WHY can’t you?” as if his wee nephewy heart was broken. I like that he is filled with contradictions. I want to build Lego towers to the ceiling with him. I’m quite good at Lego towers. It’s a secret talent I have.

OK, back to doing many many important things I go.

Oh, who got the title? You totally win my love if you did without me telling you below like I’m going to. Ready? Ok, well, it’s not like the Counting Crows are my favorite band, or anything, but I love love LOVE this song. (Also, what? It was never released as a single? Sorry, this is a terrible version. But the live versions are AWFUL. The album version is best.)

Happy Tuesday!


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