Advertisements

Category Archives: slutty

A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality.

It wouldn’t be October unless we took a look at what’s on offer in the sex-ay laydeez costuming arena, would it? I mean, seriously. I know I’m super-late on this. I’ve done these in a MUCH more timely fashion in the past. I’m sure you’ve already planned out what you want to be this year. Sexy Sponge Bob, or Sexy Zombie, or Sexy Axe Murderess, or Sexy Tea Party Member. (Shut up, I’m sure someone out there has a Sexy Tea Party Member costume. I would assume it comes with an optional ball-gag, for when they start running at the mouth about FOX News too much.)

The lovely Mer sent me this recently, so we know we always have this option…

We can be SEXY GHOSTS!

We can be SEXY GHOSTS!

Usually I go to Party City for my sexy costume needs, but this year I was trolling Spirit, just to shake things up a bit. Spirit worries me. Do people really shop there? Those stores always pop up at the end of September and then disappear, like tumbling tumbleweeds. They’re like haunted stores. Here one minute, gone the next, and with them, they take…YOUR SOUL!

Or at least your dignity, or your sense of self-worth.

So! What does Spirit want the laydeez to be this Halloween? Well! Let’s see!

This is a sexy panda. No, I don’t know what’s sexy about pandas, either. I think an accessory for this could be eucalyptus. You could just gnaw on it all night. Now THAT, my friends, is SEXYTIMES. (Also, this costume would be hot and scratchy. Who wears a furry hood all night long? And mukluks? My word. You’d be all sweaty and gross.)

Because a., death is sexy, and b., nothing says “KISS ON MY FACE RIGHT NOW” than a whole face full of white paint. You’re gonna get smeary, Senorita Death. (I didn’t make up that name. That’s straight from Spirit. SENORITA DEATH.)

Well, if you thought a panda was sexy, how about a raccoon? I mean, I don’t know about you, but rooting through trash cans says “DO ME BABY!” like, super-loud. Also, this costume would ALSO be hot. In a sweaty way, I mean. Stop wearing fur to parties. Parties are always too hot as it is. All that body heat and crowding and such.

I’m confused why this one is even INCLUDED in the sexy costume section. It covers way too much flesh, and there’s not much sexy about some sort of graveyard ghost. I think even the raccoon might be sexier than someone in a ripped filthy gramma nightgown.

There’s no crying in baseball. But there would be crying if you showed up wearing this and attempted to PLAY baseball, because you’d sprain your ankle in your fuck-me maryjanes and get grassburn all over your midsection.

This is…some sort of furry sexy monster Muppet thing? I haven’t even the foggiest guess. I feel if someone comes up to you wearing this you run, because this is the kind of person you writes in bubble-letters and cries a lot. Possibly DURING sex.

OMG COME ON. This one’s not even TRYING. Who can guess what this is supposed to be? Anyone? IT IS A SEXY NINJA TURTLE. The only thing that tells us this is the sort-of shell-like iron-on on the tummy. THIS IS A TANK-TOP DRESS WITH AN IRON-ON. Give me a break.

What’s hysterical about this to me is a., the very, VERY small hat, all precariously perched on her head, and b., the unfortunate choice of color in the crotchal region. It’s like a peek-a-boo private area.

Apparently, animals are very sexy this year, which goes into a weird bestiality area I’m not at all interested in discussing. This one’s apparently a sexy zebra? Huh. I would think zebras were more stompy than sexy, but what the hell do I know.

Because MERKA! Also sex.

Well, I don’t know about you, but back when I was little and eating my Happy Meals, nothing made me hotter than the Hamburglar. RAWR.

Yes, even ladybugs are sexy if you make their skirts short enough. Insect sex, anyone? YES PLEASE.

This is a sexy garden gnome. I don’t even…this creeps me out. Like, sincerely. I don’t know if it’s the costume or the shit-eating grin on her face or what, but I find this psychotically distressing.

Yep. Sexy Tin Man, baby. Also, a good idea for your one-night stand? Have them be wielding an axe. Nothing better than a whorey girl you don’t know with a murder implement.

This one doesn’t know if it wants to be sexy or zombie-y so it went both ways and it’s just a hot damn mess. “I’m a zombie waitress! Because after I died, all I wanted to do was…um…continue to work my soul-sucking job where they made me wear a really short skirt! Want to feel me up in the guest bathroom?”

OMG NO NO NO NO CLOWNS CLOWNS ARE NEVER SEXY NO NO NOOOOOO

TASTE THE RAINBOW. (The rainbow is a euphemism.)

Anyone ever want to hook up with Rainbow Brite? WELL NOW YOU CAN. Because that’s not at all creepy and worrisome. And again with the fur trim. ITCHY AND HOT.

And in case Rainbow Brite doesn’t rev your engine, here’s Strawberry Shortcake. I’m so glad people are sexualizing my childhood toys. Where’s sexy Mrs. Potato Head, or sexy Cabbage Patch Kid? Ugh, I’m not even going to ask, they totally probably exist. *shudder*

Where’s Nemo? OMG THERE HE IS STOP THAT, NEMO, THIS IS A RATED-G MOVIE!

And, now for the MOST SEXY COSTUME EVER, the one that will make every man at the party want to plow you like a snow-covered road…

YEAH BABY! Nothing sexier than this. Nothing at all. I! Want to rock and roll! All night! And get tested for chlamydia EVERY DAY!

I hope this was very helpful, my little pumpkin pies. Remember, Halloween is for tricks, treats, and having ill-advised sex with someone dressed like a sexy animal of some sort. I recommend a sexy wombat. Why? Well, why not? Wombats are ALWAYS sexy, yo.

Advertisements

Halloween should be a day in which we honor monsters and not be mad at each other.

I’ve let this go FAR too long. And I know what you’re all thinking. AMY! you are thinking. It is ALMOST HALLOWEEN and you are not being HELPFUL! How will I know what to wear for Halloween this year without your very helpful advice?

I know. I’m so sorry, my little pumpkin muffins. I know last year I was all about PLANNING AHEAD and BEING THE MOST HELPFUL and I posted my Halloween costume wrapup like 90 days before Halloween and here were are less than a MONTH before Halloween and I haven’t even THOUGHT about this yet. Please forgive. I’m not even thinking about Halloween yet. I have a billion things in my head and most of them involve working and getting a job and getting enough sleep and such. But I PROMISE, just like the Willie Nelson song that always makes me cry, you, my sweet candy corns, are always on my mind. ALWAYS ON MY MIIIIND!

So let’s see what’s the latest in whore couture this year for Halloween. Will there be slutty cartoon characters? Slutty horror-movie killers? Slutty video-game characters? WE SHALL SEE! (SIDE NOTE! Once, at work, some toolbag was yelling at one of my coworkers about not getting a call back from his doctor, and she said, “we’ll have the doctor call you right back, sir,” and he was all “we shall SEE!” and we said that to each other about everything for months. She’d be all, “I really need to run to the bathroom” and I’d say, all portentous-like, “WE SHALL SEE!” and we’d giggle like morons. You think we don’t make fun of our callers? Wrong, Good-Time Charlie.)

This is a snowy owl. A SEXY snowy owl. Hoo! Hoo! Who’s gonna get syphilis tonight?

This is a wildcat. I’m thinking you want 0% body fat to wear this puppy. Shiny mylar is not very forgiving to being chubby. Also, you know that tail’s all going to drag on the floor and get filthy in about 20 minutes, and how fast can you really get out of this if you want to, say, pee, or hook up with your best friend’s husband on the patio? This one seems ill-advised.

This is the Queen of the Jungle, so I assume she’s supposed to be a lion of some sort? You could see her whole ass in this. This costume is NOT SCREWING AROUND with the ass-revealing. If she…were queen…of the FOREST! everyone would see her bum.

This one’s a Ravishing Peacock. You can tell because it has feathers springing out of her head. It’s also EXCLUSIVELY Party City’s, so don’t you go stealing it. They want you to know they came up with this idea ALL ON THEIR OWN. I don’t think anyone wants to have sex with a peacock. They have totally pecky little beaks.

Because nothing says “random Halloween party hookup” like the Travelocity gnome. If you took off that ridiculous hat she’d just be a server at Oktoberfest, I suppose. So this is a MULTITASKY costume!

This is a sexy toy soldier. You know what makes a man want you? Having you dress as a nutcracker.

If my nurse came into my hospital room dressed like this, I’d be all kinds of freaked out and I’d ask her how sanitary showing that much skin could possibly be. What’s the pickup line you use with this costume? “Bend over and pull down your pants so I can do an anal exam for prostate cancer, you sexy thang?”

LEAST EFFICIENT HANDJOB COSTUME CHOICE EVER.

You know who likes to go swimmin’ with bowlegged wimmin? No one, that’s who. I like that this is on sale. Party City has given up on this costume.

Fish-sex didn’t work out for Tom Hanks in Splash and it’s not going to work out for you here. Also, YOU CAN’T PEE IN THIS COSTUME. Say what I will about those costumes that show your whole coochal area, at least they’re easy-access when you drink too much and have to pee.

This is a sassy maid. I don’t know how sassy you want your maid to be. I think if you gave your employer too much lip, they’d fire you. It’s a tough job market out here, sassy maid. Maybe you ought to get to scrubbing those toilets and stop with the backtalk if you want to pay your rent.

“Cigarettes! Cigarettes! Who wants cigarettes? What? No one? No one smokes anymore? Shit. Um. Blow jobs! Blow jobs! Who wants blow jobs?”

I don’t have much to say about this, other than the model’s pose is HILARIOUS. “Pose broken. No, MORE broken. NO MORE BROKEN. Now look dead. You look bemused. Why do you look bemused? STOP IT. Fine, whatever, I have to go photograph the whorish garden gnome in like five minutes, CLICK. You’re done, go wash that shit off your face.”

“Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god…Ray? Ray, are you listening to me? MY EYES ARE UP HERE, RAY.” Also, you’re not hunting any ghosts in those heels. And are those boots, or pumps with socks? What’s happening down there? What’s that? None of you are looking at her footwear because you can’t look away from her boobs? UGH YOU GUYS!

Halloween is the one night the crazy girl can dress up and get away with being insane and blame it on the costume. “I’m the MAD HATTER! HA HA HA! That’s why I just set your hair on fire! No other reason than that! Want to take me home? I MIGHT NEVER LET YOU LEAVE! HA HA HA I’m KIDDING I’m the MAD HATTER!”

This is a dirty desperado costume. That means she’ll give you the clap.

See, what did I tell you? That Travelocity gnome costume could totally double as an Oktoberfest waitress costume. I don’t think the waitresses at Oktoberfest have their crotches lit up so as to be easily-identified by the menfolks, though.

This is a naughty nerd. I guess that means she’ll tutor you in math and then also let you put your protractor in her rhombus.

I am utterly confused about this situation. Someone help me out here. This is “Terrifying Tina.” What’s terrifying? Her hair color? Her little monster hat? The fact that her dress is two sizes two small?

This is the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz? Only SEXY. Because you know what’s sexy? Screwing a pile of straw. That’s not scratchy on your man-parts at ALL. Scratch. Scratch, scratch. If I only had a brain. Or a condom.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN COSTUME PLANNING! Thank you, Party City. You never fail to amuse me with your offerings. You’re really the best, slutty-costume-wise.


I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight…

I’ve been so busy I totally missed back-to-school time! What WILL the kids do without my back-to-school fashion roundup, I ask you? I mean, they’re probably going back to school this week wearing pajamas, all, “AMY DIDN’T TELL US WHAT TO WEAR” and that makes me SO SAD. I’m sorry, youth of America. I’ve been busy working and working and working and sometimes sleeping. I know I’ve let you down. Here, I’ll fix it. Better late than never. I hope some of these things are still on the shelves.

BACK TO SCHOOL 2012 FASHION STAPLES
(via random websites on the interwebs that all say they know what’s up)

Boyfriend jeans

I like that you have to peg the legs. We did this when I was in school. TWENTY YEARS AGO. What was old is now new! I AM COOL AGAIN! (Pee ess I was never cool.)

Apparently this is what they call jeans that are all slouchy and distressed and fit all loose. I don’t have an issue with these. They look comfortable. Although I don’t think you could actually wear your boyfriend’s jeans. They wouldn’t fit. How often do people date someone that’s exactly the same size as them? Also, high school boys smell weird and you shouldn’t be getting naked with them anyway, you’re only a kid. Stop that.

Skinny jeans

I guess you don’t sit down when wearing these. That would make taking classes a little difficult.

This website calls skinny jeans “Spanx you can wear on the outside!” and I think that’s misleading because the point of Spanx is that your clothes cover up the Spanx and also all of your random fat-rolls that are thrown asunder by the Spanx. If you’re wearing your Spanx on the outside, people will see all MANNER of ills. Also, I feel like skinny jeans are cutting off circulation to your hooha, and you’re going to want that for teen sex. Also, look, there’s like scientific proof that skinny jeans are bad for your health. SCIENCE KIDS! It’s not just a class you take after homeroom! Skinny jeans pinch one of the nerves in your outer thigh and make your legs tingly, not the good kind of tingly like when Jimmy McGee walks by in his letter sweater, either. (What? Kids don’t wear letter sweaters anymore? Shut up, I don’t know.) So I’m saying no no no nein on the skinny jeans, even though they’re supposedly what all the cool kids wear. Who wants to be a cool kid, anyway? If you watch any afterschool specials, the cool kids always die from driving while texting or whatever anyway.

Leggings/jeggings

These look so tight. Look at the pocket on the left, it’s all poking up out of protest.

STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH HAPPEN. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Oh, wait, shit, fetch happened? These stupid things are actually popular? Ugh, I feel like if you wore these you’re walking around with only tights on. They make me nervous. I didn’t understand them last hear and I don’t understand them now. Just don’t wear them. Ignore them and maybe they’ll go away.

Accessories

ZOMG THIS WEAR THIS. Because when the other kids see this, you’re totally elected queen of the prom. No question about it.

This site tells me that bangle bracelets, big brooches, and wicker handbags are all the rage. GRANDMA DID YOU WRITE THIS? Seriously, if these things are in style, my grandmother is CUTTING EDGE BABY. I don’t know too many teens but the ones I do know aren’t wearing grandma-chic. Ignore this tip. If you wear these things, people are going to laugh at you. THEY’RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU, CARRIE! THEY’RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU!

Boots

Here we read that thigh-high boots are in for 2012. You know who else wore thigh-high boots? Vivian Ward.

She says who..she says when…she says…who…

I don’t think you need to be wearing thigh-high stripper boots to high school. If you want to wear them on your time off, that’s your call, but you’ve got like 80 more years of your life to be skeezy, so why don’t you wait a few years? Wear practical shoes to school. I don’t even know that any of us wore heels when I was in school. We wore sneakers. Sometimes we wore flats, if we were dressed up. Is dressing like a teenage prostitute the thing? We here at Lucy’s Football do not approve of you looking like a teenage prostitute. We think you are much too classy for that.

Puffed shoulders

Adorable, if you’re built like a waif ballerina, I guess.

Apparently, puffed shoulders are the thing? I don’t approve. What do you think this is, the 30s, and we’re all in leg o’mutton sleeves?

Let me know when these come back into style, I’m going to hide in the closet.

No no no. This is foolish. Listen, I feel like a lot of these tips come from Gossip Girl. YES. The clothes on Gossip Girl are gorgeous. But they’re totally impractical and no one dresses like that. Everyone thinks they’re a Serena or a Blair but in all actuality everyone’s either a Vanessa or a Dorota. You know it’s true.

Superdistressed jeans

Oh, come on now. Really? Really, truly?

Um. These are a mess and if you want jeans that are a mess I’ll give you every pair of jeans I’ve thrown away after spilling something on them that I can’t get out of them. You look like you had an accident while bleaching evidence of a tub-murder out of the hotel where you work. When I was a wee Amy, I wanted jeans that were acid-washed and my mom said the same thing to me and I was all “PARENTS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND” and now I understand. Sorry, Mom. These look ridiculous.

A natural, clear complexion

Because skin like this just HAPPENS. Or you can buy it over the counter, like NAILPOLISH.

OH THIS IS AN EASY ONE BECAUSE YOU CAN BUY IT ANYWHERE! Ugh, come on, what the hell? Listen. Some of us (I’m not pointing FINGERS, here, but ME ME ME) had something catastrophic happen when puberty set in, and the acne fairy visited. Now, I know you’re all saying “oh, yep, me too, Amy, me too.” No. I’m not saying once and a while I had a little zit like in the Judy Blume books. I’m saying, you know those terrible before-and-after photos they show on the Proactiv commercials that are probably photoshopped where the person looks like he or she was ground zero at a nuclear bomb test site? NEWS FLASH. There’s a slight change they’re not photoshopped. Because SOME PEOPLE (ahem me ahem) looked like that in their teen years. Well, some of the teen years. It got so bad that my parents shelled out major buckaroos and brought me to a fancy-schmancy dermatologist who prescribed me the medication that saved my remaining two marbles of teenage self-esteem. However, I’m pretty sure it will cause birth defects to any future children, so I’m not having any. Among other reasons. So for five years, I used this medication religiously, and it worked SO WELL that people were all “UGH AMY HAS THE BEST SKIN” which made me laugh and laugh because it was all a TRICK brought on my MEDICATION and I don’t use it anymore because the side effects were that I couldn’t go in the sun ever and it randomly made pieces of my face peel off and plus it was very expensive, and after the teen years my face stopped revolting (and BEING so revolting) for the most part, but now sometimes randomly I’ll break out, like my face will say, HA HA, just wanted to let you know I’M STILL HERE YOU JERK, and I’ll sigh and say YOU STUPID GENETICS. So, in case you were wondering, kids, I know people tell you that acne stops when you’re out of your teen years but it’s totally a lie. My mom’s in her sixties and still breaks out. Sorry. I hate to break it to you (HA GOOD ONE! Break!), but it’s true. Some of us are just more blessed than others in the ways of disgusting breakouts.

Anyway, it’s mean to put “glowy skin” on a list of things kids need for back-to-school. Because it’s not like all the kids can just get that. It’s genetics. And it’s who can afford the fancy dermatologist who’s willing to prescribe medication that’s not quite legal in the States yet. THANK YOU DOCTOR WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS!

Yes, there’s a possibility I went to Dr. Nick.

So there you have it, kids. Apparently, you need to wear stripper boots and tight tight pants and shirts with poofy upper-arm areas and my grandma’s jewelry. You are going to look ridiculous, so I suggest as soon as you put all of this on, you take it all off again, put on some nice khakis and a t-shirt with something geeky on it and a pair of comfy Chucks, and you go back to school RELAXED. And if one of the chicks walks by with puffy sleeves and stripper boots you can laugh and laugh because you KNOW she’s going to eat it on the stairs. Those stairs are slippery, yo.

Comfy and classic. You can’t go wrong.

HAPPY BACK TO SCHOOL KIDDOS! Learn all the things! Have all the fun! Be nice to each other, please!


“Apparently I’ve pleasured the swim team while jacked up on goofballs.”

Hello and happy Saturday! I totally have exciting and important posts in the works that require RESEARCH and HARD WORK but instead today we’re going to talk about sex. I KNOW TOTAL LETDOWN.

So I was playing around online (what? me? never) the other day and then started thinking about Veronica Mars (what, you don’t randomly start thinking of Veronica Mars here and there throughout your day? Shame on you) and then I thought of that purity test episode? “Like a Virgin?” From Season One? Did anyone but me watch Veronica Mars? Probably not, it got cancelled WHOO DOGIES FAST.

OK, so in the episode, people would take this purity test and then a computer hacker was selling the results and it was very embarrassing. Or maybe the results were fabricated. I don’t know. It’s been a while. I really need to rewatch it.

So then I thought, because I have ADD and SHINY, you know what, I think once I tried to take one of those purity tests, but then I kind of got bored because there were a kajillion questions so I quit. And, what was so embarrassing in those tests, I mean, kids are totally having sex when they’re like fetuses nowadays. LET’S TAKE A PURITY TEST.

And I’ll totally post my results online. Because I’m not embarrassed that I’m alternately a total whore and a completely frigid bitch.

So I decided to take this one, because there was a huge devil on the main page, and that seemed legit. Also, it gave me the option of the 1,000 question test or the 200 question test. Listen, I love you all like wildfire but I’m so not taking a 1,000 question ANYTHING, even if it would be a funny blog. I have old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy to cry over, here, I can’t just be effing around online all the hours of the day.

Also, it’s “unisex and omnisexual” which is a little worrisome but all-inclusive so that’s nice.

FIRST PAGE: Platonic Relations.

Really? That seems like a stupid place to start. Probably I’ll win this part.

After I finished that section, I was 98% pure. Hmm. Winning? I’m not sure yet. The questions were stupid and one asked if I ever shared a sleeping bag with someone without boning them. NO. Sleeping bags are HOT. I’m not getting in one of those with ANYONE. I don’t even like to get into them with myself. SO HOT. Also, I’m a restless sleeper, I’d end up strangling myself or the bonee.

SECOND PAGE: Auto-erotica and mono-sexualism.

Um. So masturbation, then? You couldn’t just say that? No? Sorry, sorry, I’m asking too many questions, carry on.

An actual question: “Have you ever bought blatant sexual objects? (This means that if you buy a bottle of Coke and you use it as a dildo, it really doesn’t count. Think: design and function.)” WHAT? COKE IS FOR DRINKING. People are doing this? Ow.

Second confusing actual question: “Have you ever made an X- or R-rated snowman/snowwoman?” Really? That seems like a huge waste of time. Also, it’s cold, and kids could see that, so maybe be less of the neighborhood creeper, thanks.

92% pure. I’m either totally winning or totally losing this, I’m not sure yet.

THIRD PAGE: Legislative misfits and other ethical questions.

Ooh! I am EXCITED ALREADY. I love ethics and the legislature! Although what they have to do with my purity I’m not quite sure. This is a lot more boring and confusing than I’d expected.

Ugh, forget it, they have NOTHING to do with the legislature. They want to know if I’m a whore and/or a thief and/or listen to other people screwing without them knowing it. This test is the suck. I WISH I was listening to someone having sex right now, seriously.

At the end of that I’m 89.5% pure. I kind of said no to everything in that section because it was all weirdo “have you ever stolen condoms from your Dad?” questions. NO THANKS SLAPPY.

FOURTH PAGE: Drugs.

Yay?

Hee, they want to know if I’ve used “Spanish fly.” YES. I am starring in a teen romp!

85.5% pure now. I kind of said yes to almost everything in the drugs section except maybe the Spanish fly thing. SORRY MOM.

FIFTH PAGE: Non-platonic.

How about “non-coma-inducing.” You’d think a purity test would be a little more titillating.

Oh, this one’s all “have you ever done mutual petting” and then leads up to naughtiness. NOW WE’RE GETTING TO IT PURITY TEST.

Also, there’s this: “Have you ever had sex with someone whose name you did not know, or whose face you never saw?” Well, I mean, there are all those Eyes Wide Shut parties I go to, DO YOU MEAN THOSE?

Also, it wants to know if I ever had sex with the Pope? I might have. I mean, you never know who’s behind those masks at the Eyes Wide Shut parties.

Shit, now I’m 73.5% pure. Is this going well? I can’t tell. Would it be going better if I’d said I HAD had sex with the Pope?

SIXTH PAGE: Non-Primary Choice Relations.

I have no effing idea what that even means.

Oh, wait, shit, I didn’t even read the instructions. I was all “THESE ARE THE SAME AS THE LAST PAGE” but I’m supposed to pretend they’re with a GIRL.

Why didn’t they just say “Pretend you’re with someone you don’t want to bump uglies with” at the top or something? This is getting totally difficult and I think might be trying to trick me. I WILL NOT BE FOOLED, PURITY TEST.

I’m still 73.5% pure. Apparently, kissing a girl for like .004 seconds in college didn’t even count for anything. DAMMIT YOU STRINGENT PURITY TEST.

SEVENTH PAGE: Alternate Choices.

That sounds like the school you’d be sent to if all the other schools kicked you out.

ZOMG they want to know if I had sex with a dead horse in this section. That’s certainly a choice. And it’s alternate. I’m going to say no to that one.

Also: “Have you ever practiced role-playing? (nurse-patient, teacher-student, border guard-well endowed co-ed, etc.)” What the hell? “Border guard-well endowed co-ed?” That’s a thing? That seems oddly specific and totally hysterical. I don’t think I could play that without cracking up halfway through. That would ruin the mood, right? Does the well-endowed co-ed crack up halfway through the border guard’s patdown?

I’m now 73% pure. I didn’t get a lot of questions right in that section. The dead horse thing made me totally nervous.

EIGHTH PAGE: Group Sexual Relations.

Can I just tell you right now I will end up with a 73% without even having READ any of the questions? No? FINE. I’m doing this for SCIENCE.

It wants to know if I ever walked in on people having sex – which it calls “committing an OOPS” – then joined in on the “OOPS.” That’s totally rude, what is this, a French film? NO, TEST. NO ONE DOES THAT.

Yep. As I thought. Still 73% pure. I don’t even like ONE person touching me very much, I can’t imagine I’d like MORE than one. Ugh.

NINTH PAGE: Extracurricular Deviant Conduct: Non-Sentient Objects

This is totally going to ask me about that Coke bottle again.

And! First question! COKE BOTTLE. Seriously, stop it. OUCH.

It also wants to know if I’ve ever used a ball gag. Now, listen, I totally have? But it was in a play, and I was the props mistress, and I had to put it on the guy every night? So probably that’s not what they mean. But it still makes me laugh that, YES, technically, I TOTALLY HAVE. Deviant!

72% pure. And 100% bored. This is totally taking my whole life to complete.

TENTH PAGE: Extracurricular Deviant Conduct: Locality

Let me guess. You want to know if I took my Coke bottle outside.

Mostly this wanted to know if I’ve ever done ANYTHING, including “neck” (WHO EVEN SAYS THAT ANYMORE GRANDMA) in places like boats, churches, trucks, snowbanks, and rooftops. I totally won this section.

69% pure. Told you. I used to make out ALL OVER THE PLACE. I totally made out in a church once. And a boat. I know, I was all teens-gone-wild for a while. It was all very Lifetime Movies for Women.

ELEVENTH PAGE: Extracurricular Deviant Conduct: Style

If this asks “Have you ever had sex then done jazz hands” I’m giving myself a gajillion points. That’s STYLE, baby.

Ooh, this is the last section. That’s totally exciting.

OK, this one wants to know if you like people to pee on you. That’s not STYLE. That’s MESSY.

Final answer: 65% pure.

So is that winning? Seriously, in order to get this lower, you have to do some really weird porn-star stuff. I’m not jazzed about that.

There’s a nice list of people on the side-scroll whose scores are presented. Depending on how we score, I am doing either better or worse than “ForeverAlone” who has 93% (aw! babe! You can totally fix that by the second page, that’s so sad!) “DJ Rayray” has 33.6%, which makes me worried about him and he’s totally outside my house building a naughty snowperson AS WE SPEAK, isn’t he, and someone named “NOT BAD FOR A VIRGIN, EH?” got 75.4%. Not bad, Canadian virgin. NOT BAD AT ALL. If by “bad” you mean “whatever these scores mean because I am totally confused and I think I’m totally too old to have taken this test.”

What have we learned, interwebs?

  • Purity tests are kind of the suck;
  • It IS possible to be bored shitless by something sex-related, who knew;
  • If something has the devil on the front page it doesn’t mean it’s going to be interesting;
  • The kids on Veronica Mars were making a big deal out of nothing and I probably need to do a rewatch because it isn’t really clear to me why they were bugshit crazy over this;
  • People seriously need to think about things before they use them for purposes other than what they were designed for (Coke bottles? I’m going to have nightmares about this, I swear)
  • I’m never going to be able to hear the phrase “don’t beat a dead horse” without laughing like a moron EVER AGAIN.

Enjoy your Saturday, my little perverty ruffians! Watch out for naughty snowpeople!


Run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey ruuuuuunn!

Listen, I have nada today. It has been the LAZIEST DAY ON RECORD. Oh, I’m not saying I didn’t DO anything. No! Not at all. Here is a list of things I did today. Bulleted! A bulleted list! Seriously, if I got any fancier with the design aspect you would probably just DIE.

  • Woke up, realized I hadn’t set back the clocks, and it was actually 8am, which was awesome and I’d had a full eight hours of sleep
  • Read the entire newspaper* (*let’s be frank, that means the sections that appeal, and threw away the garbage, no one likes the sports section, and by no one, I of course mean me)
  • Read a play a friend wrote, first, trepidaciously, because sometimes that goes very, very, wrong (once, a friend asked me to read something he’d written and wanted feedback and listen, I totally wanted to bone him, and it was AWFUL, but I REALLY wanted to bone him, so WHAT DO YOU DO. Do you lie, hoping that will be the straw that makes the camel have dirty, dirty sex with you? Are you honest because you can’t look yourself in the mirror if you’re not? Do you pretend you moved to another state and never return his calls and hope you don’t see him at the grocery store? WHAT DO YOU DOOOOO) but listen! IT WAS FANTASTIC. So apparently I’ve had a friend who’s like the next Terrence McNally and didn’t even know. How exciting is that? And even better, I got to write him an email gushing over how amazing it was and MEAN EVERY WORD OF IT. I mean, sincerely, you guys. That’s a check in the win column, right there.
  • Watched this week’s The Office, Revenge, and Grimm, all of which I missed due to either being out, general malaise with life, watching other programs, or a combination of the above. Also, and spoiler alert beep beep beeeeep for Revenge watchers, but again with the super-dark scenes, but did we find out my adorable Revenge boyfriend Nolan is bi this week and hooking up with that waste of space con-man character? REVENGE! I AM DISAPPOINT. Nolan can do better. Also, Grimm was even better this week. Loving Grimm. Very dark and eerie. Stamp of approval.
  • Started setup on my newest venture, which isn’t off the ground yet, but will be soon. I’ll talk more about it when it’s up and running, but any day now, you’re going to start seeing me shamelessly self-promoting something three of the coolest chicks on the world wide interwebs and I have concocted. It is AWESOME, you guys. AWESOME. Oh, ok, FINE. Here’s a teaser. More to come when it’s baked to ooey-gooey perfection.

  • Dealt with a very unsavory task I’ve been putting off for almost 24 hours in probably not the best way, but in the only way I could and still get to sleep at night. Sorry. That was a very Facebook-status-worthy bullet, right? Like those people that put up “Some people! I just want to CRY!” As their status and wait for the “Aw, honey, I’m so sorry, anything I can dooooo” in response. Stop it, you passive-aggressive twit. I know. Sorry. Just in case I’m totally the most popular girl in the wooorrllldd, that’s all I can say. Unsavory. Annoyance. Furious. Flames. On the side of my face. Heaving. Heaving breasts.

Things I have NOT done today: clean the bathroom (listen, I always put that shit off, because it is the ick) and anything mega-productive. So first, we blog. Then we daaaaaaance. Oh, wait, no, no we don’t. We don’t dance. We don’t do that, not at all.

The week ahead: auditions! Seeing a play! House managing for another play! Totally filled with excitement!

But listen, so this isn’t a total washout and you’re all, UGH, I do not CARE what the hell was done chez Lucy’s Football today, where’s the super-intelligent CONTENT, well, first I say to you, are you sure you’re reading the right blog? Because I don’t know about super-intelligent content. But, more on topic, let’s talk about something near and dear to my heart, hmm?

Cheaters.

No, no, not REAL cheaters. Although there were! There totally were lots! But the SHOW Cheaters. I was thinking about this the other day, because I’ve been watching this season of The Amazing Race, and it’s just about the most boring thing you can ever imagine in the history of the world this season. And I don’t know if it’s just run its course, or I don’t have the attention span, or what the hell, but I don’t care about it. And I was thinking, what could make this better? What could liven this up? And I thought, hey, I KNOW. If Phil was stabbed like the Cheaters host, that would make this SO EXCITING. (Sorry, Phil. Love you, Phil.)

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

What, the classy among you ask, is Cheaters? (The non-classy among you, and we know you by the Cheetos stains on your fingertips, are nodding and smiling, because YOU KNOW. You know ALL ABOUT CHEATERS.)

Cheaters is a show that’s been on since 2000. The setup is thus: a “client” comes on for an interview. The client is usually…um…not from the higher echelon of society. Like, there are a lot of weaves, and sparkles, and tops that look flammable and aren’t leaving much to the imagination, and what look like homemade prison tattoos, and clothes with inexplicable stains on them. And the “client” tells a story like “My boyfriend! He don’t come home at night no more! He always be lying about where he be! And I found lipstick on his penis! Help me Cheaters! Do you think he be cheating?” OK, this isn’t really what’s said but it’s kind of what’s said if you look deeper into what’s said.

Then the host and some of his cameramen skulk in the bushes around the Ruby Tuesday’s and videotape the cheater cheating, and then when he brings his new skankho home, and they’re having all the sex, the host busts into the room and is all YOU ARE SO BUSTED HERE IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND. And the girlfriend comes in and there are a lot of things thrown like cellphones and shoes and the skankho and the girlfriend pull each other’s wigs off and the host stands to one side grinning like a moronic Cheshire Cat. It is SO AWESOME AND TRASHY.

When I first moved to town, my roommate and I used to make sure that, no matter where we were or what we were doing, we’d be home by 1am on Sunday morning so we could watch Cheaters. It was our weekend ritual. Because it made us laugh like nothing else in the world. You’d go out, do some drinking or whatever, then come home and watch the host pop out of a dumpster or from under a car all BUSTED YOU DIRTY CHEATER and your life seemed ok for a while.

Usually, things go like this (caution, lots of barely-bleeped cussing):

PAINTBALL GUUUUNNNNNN!

The first host was Tommy Grand. He looked like a down-on-his luck gangsta:

He was replaced a couple of years into it. I don’t know why. I assume it’s because his real name was Tommy Habeeb and it was post-9/11.

The current host (I honestly had no idea this was still on, I haven’t seen it in years, but need to track it down and watch it again) is Joey Greco. He’s totally a sleazeball who is trying to be serious but is failing. Here’s a photo:

In this photo, he is, I assume, popping in on a CHEATER. BAM.

In 2003, there was an episode where Joey Greco confronted a cheater on a boat. And…well, ok, just watch. (Caution – there’s cussing. Some bleeped, some not. And a LOT of bad acting. And a boat.) Because this is what more reality shows need to liven up their programming so I don’t zone out and start throwing things at the cats to make them entertain me.

The best things about this video:

  • The skankho kind of looks like a receptionist, and she just stands there, kind of confused
  • Joey Greco’s pained face of pain as he’s taken away and his life blood was ebbing…ebbing…
  • The girlfriend shouting “you’re not coming HOME now! You’re not coming HOME now!”
  • How’d that guy get a boat? I can’t afford a boat.
  • Someone fell off the boat into the water. HA. That’s never not going to be funny.
  • “He’s bleeding. HE’S BLEEEEEEDING!”

I know you’re worried. JOEY GRECO PULLED THROUGH. Nothing to see here. He’s OK, people.

Now, listen. Apparently, there are a lot of allegations this was staged and never happened at all. And that a lot of the episodes were staged. And that makes me sad. If we can’t believe Cheaters, WHO CAN WE TRUST, AMERICA. I mean, COME ON. If this isn’t true THE TERRORISTS WIN.

So, if you’re ever not able to sleep and you can’t find an old episode of To Catch a Predator and your DVR is empty? Look for Cheaters. It is AWESOME and FULL OF SKANKINESS. Highly recommended when you’re in the mood for feeling superior to others.


%d bloggers like this: