Our most excellent Science Fellow Andreas has been down with the killer zombie Finnish death flu for a few days and it is the worst. I worry about such things. He told me today he was feeling better, but also that he Googled his symptoms and Google helpfully informed him he had the Bubonic Plague. Well! THAT’S not good. I would not like it in the least if something bad were to happen to my Science Fellow who also happens to be one of my closest friends. Especially not the Bubonic Plague, because the interweb tells me that when you get that, you get gangrene, seizures, extremely swollen lymph glands (sometimes in your GROIN, oh, no thanks), “continuous vomiting of blood” (WTF NO NO) and black dots scattered all over your body for some strange reason. No, I don’t think I want those things for Andreas. Or many people I know, actually. Note I didn’t say EVERYONE I know. There are a few select people that could use a little gangrene and blood-gacking. I know I should be more forgiving. I promise they really deserve it, if that helps at all.
So, what could we do from a distance to make our Andreas feel better? It’s tough, because Finland is FAR, you guys. Like, when I’m getting ready to go to bed most nights, Andreas is just getting up. I know I’ve stayed up too late if I stay up to say more than “Good morning, good night” to Andreas. So how can we send a virtual get-well card to Andreas? Because he and I have a date to talk with our faces tonight on the internet and if he’s dying of the Bubonic Plague I don’t think that’s going to happen, you know?
I KNOW! LET’S TALK ABOUT SCIENCE!
I can’t think of any way to cheer Andreas up more. Except if he really has the Bubonic Plague. If he really has the Bubonic Plague, no amount of sciency posts are going to fix that shit, yo. Andreas, please don’t have the Bubonic Plague, I would be lost without you.
In honor of Andreas, here is a most excellent post I found about the top ten newly discovered species. Do you find it so exciting that they are still discovering new species all the time? I do. I think that’s kind of awesome. I mean, we’re killing off species left and right, but dammit, new species are still happening. That’s amazing to me.
Apparently, there’s a thing called the “International Institute for Species Exploration” at Arizona State University. Well, you know it must be good if it’s at ASU, because ASU is in Phoenix. You know who else is in Phoenix? BFF IS!!! So that’s why this institute must be awesome.
So this institute, every year, picks out the top ten best newly-discovered species and then SHARES THEM WITH THE WORLD! Thank you, ASU, the last thing I heard about you was that you were totally a party school so I’m glad you’re crackin’ down on the science tip, yo.
So, without further ado, here are Arizona State University’s top ten newly-discovered species. Well, not all ten, because some are totally boring, but at least three or four. SORRY! I shouldn’t say things are boring. But what the hell would I say about some pretty new plant? If you want to see the new plant, you can click on that link up there. ANYWAY! Are we so excited? YES WE ARE! Andreas, are you feeling better already just imagining all the fun we’re going to have?
This is a lyre sponge! It lives at the bottom of the sea. What sea? I don’t know, a deep one, I think. I know what you’re thinking. “AMY THIS IS BORING.” Well! Shows what you know, Slappy! This sponge is CARNIVOROUS! OK, fine, it only carnivorates (shut up, I just made that a word just now, I can do things like that if I want) plankton, but still, that’s kind of badass, for a sponge. I mean, you wash your dishes with sponges, and this one is A MURDERER (of plankton)!
OMG THE TINIES FROG IN ALL THE LAND YOU GUYS! Look, he’s on a DIME! His fancy scientific name is Paedophryne amanuensis. He lives in New Guinea. It is the smallest living vertebrate! EVER! Aw, I want like a whole aquarium of these, I love them so much! I feel like this very small frog might be my spirit animal.
You guys, this is a glow-in-the-dark cockroach. A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK COCKROACH. I can’t tell if this a very good idea or the scariest thing to ever happen. Like, once? I lived in a house that was overrun with roaches and it’s the worst place I’ve ever lived and I still have the shivers when I think about it because when I woke up in the morning and I’d turn on the light you’d see a billion roaches running for cover and you just kind of sat for a moment and thought about the turn your life had taken, you living in a place where you were outnumbered by vermin? So would it be good if the roaches glowed in the dark so you had some warning? Or would it be terrible, because when you were trying to sleep, you could see them creeping closer and closer to your bed because the one thing they wanted more than anything was to get under the covers with you and that thought kept you up at night?
This cockroach lived around a volcano site and scientists aren’t sure if it’s even in existence anymore. I find it sad that something was discovered that might already be extinct.
Also, I think this cockroach looks like Wall-E’s girlfriend Eve.
Except of course much more creepy and liable to make me get the shivers and run out into the snow with only sandals on in disgust from all those damn cockroaches. Sorry. Flashback. Carry on.
OK, you know I have monkey-phobia, right? This monkey scares me. But also is kind of intriguing.
Put your hands over the top of its head and the bottom of its face so just its eyes are showing. THIS IS LIKE A MONKEY WITH HUMAN EYES. That’s why it’s scary. It’s like a science experiment gone wrong. Also, its face is really long so it looks kind of doleful and a little pensive so I feel kind of sad for it.
This is a lesula monkey and it lives in the Congo. Also it has a bright blue bum, which makes me laugh. I like that he looks like a science teacher in the front and he’s all partytime in the back.
Andreas! There are four very interesting new species for you. And more if you click the link but those things were plants and bugs and such.
And as a special added bonus thing just for you and only because you’re sick and I know you love them:
A blue-ringed octopus! When it is threatened, the blue rings light up! They are only the size of a golf ball but they carry some of the most deadly venom on the planet! ON THE WHOLE PLANET!
Feel better, Andreas. You are my most favorite species. I hope I get to see your face on the interwebs tonight and that you are not constantly vomiting blood. If you are, let’s reschedule our chat tonight, ok? Cool. Thanks.