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Category Archives: Sci Fi

So much stranger, so much darker, so much madder, so much better.

Well, it’s finally happened.

I kind of always knew it would, eventually, once I set my mind to it. It was just a matter of finding the time, which I did over the Christmas/New Year holiday. I saw this time stretching in front of me and thought, whatever shall I do with it? And I looked at my Netflix subscription and thought, well, YOU certainly have been going underutilized lately, haven’t you?

And I fell headlong into a binge I have yet to come back from. (And to be honest, I don’t quite know what I’ll do with myself once I’m finished, so I’d rather not think about that right now, thanks.)

Yes, it’s finally happened, people of the blog.

I am obsessed – BEYOND obsessed – with Doctor Who.

I even hear the theme music and I get all boppy. I've got it bad bad bad.

I even hear the theme music and I get all boppy. I’ve got it bad bad bad.

Now, I know in even writing this, I’m going to be getting comments from people who are all “I’ve been watching this since it STARTED and I’ve seen every EPISODE and I know THE WHOLE STORY and you know NOTHING, Jon Snow” (sorry, sorry, mixing up fandoms, there, I think that’s a excommunicable offense) so let me quantify this situation.

A while back, I watched the first two episodes of the reboot (with Christopher Eccleston) with some friends and liked them more than I thought I would. I meant to go back and continue with that, but my life often gets in the way of my life.

I’d never gotten into Doctor Who because it seemed weird and I didn’t think I’d GET it and it just seemed like one of those odd things that would confuse me if I tried to get involved so I thought it best if I stayed away. Like sports. Or playing an instrument. I AM OFTEN NOT GOOD AT THINGS THAT NORMAL PEOPLE EXCEL AT! It is a sad fact of life.

But then it became clear that almost every single intelligent person I knew was very, VERY into this show, and I needed to be watching it. Which almost made me NOT want to watch it – when everyone loves something, I immediately think, “Well, I hate fads” because I’m kind of a dick (I mean, you all seem to love that terrible Family Guy show, but the one time I turned it on to see what was up, they were making fun of domestic violence and I was so disgusted I never turned it on again, so what the hell, you guys?) but that backfired when everyone started ranting about how much they loved Serial and I avoided it for a while but then thought “What the hell” and downloaded it for a car trip and became SO OBSESSED with it and now look things up online about it ALL THE TIME because who DOESN’T want to know what Adnan and Hae really looked like, right?

OBSESSED OBSESSED!!! And I usually HATE being talked at! COULD NOT STOP LISTENING!

OBSESSED OBSESSED!!! And I usually HATE being talked at! COULD NOT STOP LISTENING!

And OMG, who DO we think killed her? I’m leaning one way, but I won’t tell you which in case you either haven’t listened yet (and if not, GET TO IT, SLAPPY!) or aren’t all the way done and don’t want me spoiling you. Also, my theory has more holes in it than Swiss cheese on the Titanic, you guys, and super-smart reporter friend at work and I were talking about it this weekend and his theory was SO SMART which is why he’s a reporter, I suppose, so now I am AT! A! LOSS! THERE ARE SO MANY WEIRD MOVING PARTS ON THIS CASE. Season two of Serial, please happen now, I want to fall headlong into another case immediately!

That was a very long digression.

ANYWAY. So I thought, “I will start watching this, what’s the worst that can happen” and now it’s been two weeks and I CAN NOT STOP.

NOW! Before I go ANY FURTHER! I have just started what I believe to be David Tennant’s last season so you are NOT ALLOWED to tell me anything that happens after this. I am trying very hard to stay spoiler-free. Unfortunately I’ve been a LITTLE spoiled, but that was before I started watching this and didn’t know I would ever care. So don’t comment all “In Episode Blah-Blah THE COMPANION IS REALLY A CYBERMAN IN DISGUISE” because I will be SO MAD at you!

Oh, BTW, I also finished "Arrested Development." I'm going to pretend the final season didn't happen. I wasn't impressed. Sorry, world.

Oh, BTW, I also finished “Arrested Development.” I’m going to pretend the final season didn’t happen. I wasn’t impressed. Sorry, world.

There’s really too much that I love about this show to go on about it in detail and you’re going to be split into two contingents, here, the ones that already KNOW it’s fantastic and the ones that don’t CARE and therefore have already tuned OUT, but I’m still going to ramble a bit. It’s my blog, I think I’m allowed.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT DOCTOR WHO!

  • It’s intelligent and goofy all at once. It makes me laugh AND it makes me think. Sometimes there are mysteries and sometimes it’s just funny and sometimes (most of the time) it’s a little bit of both.
  • The science isn’t TOO sciency. Andreas picked on me when I said I was watching this because the science wasn’t realistic but I don’t know much about all the science, anyway, so if they were being all realistic about it, I wouldn’t know what was going on. It’s just dumbed-down (and, yes, Andreas, probably wrong) enough that it’s cool with me, yo. (Andreas has other issues with the show, he just told me. I’ll let him tell you in the comments. You know what’s great about him? Well, other than everything? Even if we totally disagree, we still respect and love one another. That’s why he’s my Andreas, you guys. And I miss him and his whole family in the land of the Finns like CRAZINESS every DAY.)
  • There is totally romance and emotional things and I am ALWAYS WEEPING. There was one episode where I had to take a SINCERE BREAK from watching the show because I was EMOTIONALLY DEVASTATED. That’s a good show. I love a good cry. So, so much. Like, break out the Kleenex, here I am, and I’m in seventh heaven. (OMG! Speaking of which, the dad from Seventh Heaven was a child molester? Who saw THAT one coming, right? DISTRESSING!)
  • The Doctor makes me INSANELY HAPPY. He is joyous and childlike but also serious with the weight of the world on his shoulders and he has all the best lines and I love love LOVE watching him. I really enjoyed Eccleston but OH, am I head-over-heels for Tennant and his happy Converse All-Stars and bouncy hair. (I knew I’d like him – I’ve seen him in a couple of other things, the best of which being Hamlet with Patrick Stewart, which was BRILLIANT. I am being very all-capsy today. Why the hell did they waste him so much in that awful Gracepoint? So disheartening.) Tennant is beyond amazing here. I am already pre-mourning his loss. I don’t know if I’ll be able to fall in love with another actor in this role like I’ve fallen in love with him here.

    Loooooove. The most charismatic human being alive, sincerely.

    Loooooove. The most charismatic human being alive, sincerely.

  • I was informed I was going to hate Rose, but I LOVED her. I want all Rose, all the time. Yes, yes, apparently there are Companions upcoming that I will love very much (Martha was fine, but underutilized, yeah? It kind of made me sad. Also, all her PINING. Ugh, I think probably I related to her too much, but she started to make me cringe) but right now I’m all “BRING ROSE BACK DAMMIT” and having some issues with her being gone.

    Good grief, Googling Rose was fraught with spoilery. Don't do that unless you know what's coming up, my little gingersnaps.

    Good grief, Googling Rose was fraught with spoilery. Don’t do that unless you know what’s coming up, my little gingersnaps.

  • There are so many shows I can see took a page from this. There are elements of Doctor Who in so many of my favorite shows – Quantum Leap, The X-Files, Buffy (and a lot of Whedon’s work, actually, now that I’m thinking about it), Supernatural, this weird time-travelly show called Voyagers I used to watch when I was little…and there was totally a scene in one episode where I was all “THAT IS SO THE AMBER SPYGLASS!” and it TOTALLY WAS, per a quote from one of the writers that I read. They also reference pop culture things all the time (I’m sure half of the time I miss it, but when they did a shout-out to J.K. Rowling I laughed my ass off) and it’s just the perfect sci-fi/horror/fantasy/thriller nerd show in the entire planet.
  • You constantly get to see British actors and you’re all “I know that person BUT FROM WHERE” and you look them up and you giggle. Of course I knew who Simon Pegg was, but Carey Mulligan looked so damn young I couldn’t place her. And I had no idea the weird brash British chick from the American version of The Office was famous because of Doctor Who. Kylie Minogue looks old. I remember her in scrunchies and slouch socks. Also, the kid that plays Spiderman and is dating Emma Stone was in one episode (he was young) and whenever anyone was at a loss for what to do I kept shouting at the screen “WHY AREN’T YOU SAVING EVERYONE, SPIDERMAN?” Only I pronounce it “Spidermen” like Phoebe did on Friends. Like it’s his last name. “Irving Spiderman.” “COME ON, SPIDERMAN, SAVE THE DOCTOR ALREADY! SHOOT WEBS OR SOMETHING!” I would shout, and giggle gleefully. This scared the cat.

    SAVE THEM, SPIDERMAN!!!

    SAVE THEM, SPIDERMAN!!!

  • “Blink” is the best episode I’ve seen so far. Closely followed by “Doomsday.” The first is a very good standalone if you are trying to get someone into the series. The second would make no sense to someone unless they were following the series closely. One of these two episodes is the aforementioned cry-myself-sick episode; you can decide which one on your own. Play along at home, kiddos. Fun times.

    Not recommended to watch this at midnight all alone like I did. YIKES. Totally kept hiding my face behind my hands.

    Not recommended to watch this at midnight all alone like I did. YIKES. Totally kept hiding my face behind my hands.

  • The baddies are awesome. Some are scary (WEEPING ANGELS! Those Host angel thingies from the Titanic Christmas special!) and some are kitschy and funny (if the best thing ever isn’t Cybermen and Daleks having a snark-off, I don’t know what is, I laughed until I almost peed) and some are VERY EVIL AND WICKED BUT ALSO FUN (OMG, The Master, right?) Some, however, are just the worst. Who thought it was a good idea to make the brilliant and multi-talented Mark Gatiss into a scorpion-thing? What was up with that woman who was playing a giant red spider-creature as if she was maybe a drag queen trying to project to the back row of a large theater? If they bring her back, I’m boycotting that episode. She was TERRIBLE. I have to imagine she was either some famous British actress everyone loves for no apparent reason, or one of the producer’s wives. I kept asking her to shush it up. Surprisingly, she didn’t seem to hear me.

    Ugh, PLEASE let this be the last time I see this thing.

    Ugh, PLEASE let this be the last time I see this thing.

I really need to end this.

TO SUM UP.

Big apologies, friends who were all “WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU WATCHING DOCTOR WHO, AMY, YOU NUMBSKULL.” I am apparently attempting to remedy this by cramming it all in my head as fast as I can. Once this is done, the very kind Josh has informed me of the existence of Torchwood (oh, Captain Jack with your dimples, I can’t resist you) and other British shows I NEED to be watching, like, immediately. I think I know what I’ll be doing while Watertown is trapped in what seems to be some sort of eternal winter zone.

Oh, my. So pretty. So sexually and morally ambiguous.

Oh, my. So pretty. So sexually and morally ambiguous.

If you don’t spoil me in the comments, thank you. If you DO spoil me in the comments, I CURSE THEE AND THY OFFSPRING.

Also, I am willing to bet you before the month’s out I will be in possession of a tee-shirt that says “The Angels Have the Phone Box.” I have very little willpower and I need to sleep with that on my body.

Yep. It was really just a matter of time.

Allons-y. There are a lot of episodes left and they’re certainly not going to watch themselves.

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Feline Fatal Attraction: Dumbcat is Trying To Kill Me With Brain Parasites

Oh, man, there is totally an issue we have to discuss right now that I found out today and it is MAJOR, you guys, no joke.

OUR CATS ARE INFECTING US WITH BRAIN CONTROLLING PARASITES.

No, I’m not EVEN exaggerating, a SCIENTIST said it. A scientist! This guy right HERE!

I think he looks jazzy. It's the sweater. Or the unruly hair. I do like a good head of unruly hair on a man.

Yes, yes. Let’s just get this out of the way: I am aware that the scientist in question, Dr. Jaroslav Flegr, looks like a ginger version of, well…

1.21 GIGAWATTS!

Great Scott.

But listen! DOC BROWN WAS A GENIUS YOU GUYS. I mean, flux capacitor? Come on, not just any yahoo could invent that. I’m sure some yahoos have tried, too. I mean, who WOULDN’T want to go back…to the future?

I also think Flegr looks a little like this:

But imagine him with unrulier hair. Total face twins.

And the fact that Filch has a cat is VERY MYSTERIOUS.

ANYWAY. So today I was playing around online, you know, as one does, and saw this article, and thought, ha ha, MY CAT TOTALLY MAKES ME CRAY-CRAY, I mean, the minute I walk in the damn house he’s all, “Meow? Meow? Meeee-ow? Mrooow? Meow? Mieuuuuu? Mrooo. Mroooouuu?” like we’re having a little conversation, only I’m not fluent in cat, you see, so it’s kind of one-sided. So mostly it’s him saying those things, and me being all, “Hi, Dumbcat. YES, Dumbcat. I SEE you, Dumbcat. I KNOW, Dumbcat, yes, there you are! There you ARE! Good BOY! Aren’t you a GOOD BOY! Oh, man, was that a totally hard headbutt into my stomach. Ouch, your nails are sharp, digging into my leg like that OW OW OW DUMBCAT now I am BLEEDING, I still love you, don’t be scared, aw, my little sweet potato.” Also, he likes to leap on my head half an hour before the alarm goes off in the morning, or really early on the days I can sleep in, all “HI MOM! Pet me. Want to pet me? YOU TOTES DO MOM. Right NOW you do. I KNOW IT. Pet me pet me pet me AREN’T I SO CUUUUTE purr purr PURR IN YOUR EAR PURR.” My response to this is usually “Mrrphmph Dumbcat stop it so scheepy stop stop ow stop you’re stepping on my eyeball.”

But oh, no no, this article was NOT about how your cat, who probably, let’s face it, isn’t named Dumbcat (honestly, mine isn’t either, that’s just his blog-pseudonym, so you don’t kidnap him or open a credit card in his name, because I know if you called him he’d totally be fooled into giving you his social security number, he’s very trusting) is making you a little crazy with the meowing and purring and early-risering. It’s about BRAIN PARASITES and SEX and CAR CRASHES and RAW MEAT and EUROPE and RATS and URINE.

It’s also eleven pages long. And, because I love you (and you, and you, and YOU, oh, wait, no, not you, sorry to be misleading) I printed it, and brought it with me on my lunch break, and read it twice, and wrote my thoughts all over it so we could totally have a serious scientific discussion about how your cats are infecting you with brain parasites. Andreas! Are you totally the most proud of me right now? I thought so.

First, this is from The Atlantic. I don’t think I was aware of this publication. But you guys, it is totally fancy. I am impressed with this. It is well-written, it is easy to peruse online, and according to research I totally just did right now so you don’t think I’m just making shit up, it’s been around since the mid 1800s. And the reason I wasn’t aware of it was because it used to be called The Atlantic Monthly and I WAS aware of The Atlantic Monthly, so now I don’t feel like a heathen.

Anyway. Because the article was ELEVEN PAGES LONG ZOMG, and totally twisty and turny and sciency, I do NOT expect you to click. Well, I bet Andreas will click. He grooves on science. But I totally read this for you so you don’t have to click. Unless you want to. It is interesting and worth a read, if you want to. And I really liked the article, and the author’s style. So, yeah, you go, The Atlantic! You get my stamp of approval. Stamp, stamp, stamp.

Also, any sciency-type mistakes I make here are totally my own and not the fault of the original article. I take full responsibility for science-style mistakes made in the name of tomfoolery and shenanigans.

Here’s the story:

The scientist above, who is NOT Doc Brown but kind of LOOKS like a ginger Doc Brown, Dr. Jaroslav Flegr, has been doing research into the Toxoplasma gondii microbe for some time. This is the microbe that is in cat feces (you know how pregnant women are told to not change cat litter? that’s why, it can cause birth defects) that causes toxoplasmosis. This microbe is also found on unwashed fruits and vegetables and in dirty water and undercooked meat.

Flegr (hee, I love that name, I think if you were to say it, you’d have to say it with a very guttural pronunciation, just for fun) one day realized he was acting strangely. He was not afraid of things that he should be. Like walking into busy streets! And the Communists who ruled his homeland of Czechoslovakia! This made him curious. One day, the university where he worked was running tests for a study they were doing on the T. gondii microbe, and needed test subjects, so he took the test and tested positive.

This led to years and years and YEARS of intense research on this parasitic microbe. He’s been working on this for twelve years exclusively, to be precise. It is his life’s work.

Here is what Flegr has discovered about good old T. gondii:

Healthy adults and children experience brief flu-like symptoms when infected; they quickly fight them off. Then the “protozoan…thereafter lies dormant inside brain cells.” FOREVER. Ugh ZOMG WTF.

Once there, the parasite (according to Flegr’s research) causes changes in our behavior – anything from “changing our response to frightening situations,” to changing our “trust in others, how outgoing we are, and even our preferences for certain scents.”

YES! The insidious microbe, having taken up residence in our BRAINS, “rewire(s) circuits in parts of the brain that deal with such primal emotions such as fear, anxiety, and sexual arousal.” It does this by causing multiple small cysts in various parts of the brain.

THIS CAUSES BRAIN CYSTS THIS MICROBE CAUSES BRAIN CYSTS DUMBCAT IS GIVING ME BRAIN CYSTS

Some people consider what Flegr is doing to be “fringe science.” This made me VERY EXCITED because I was hoping that the article would go on to say they called in Joshua Jackson to consult on the matter but that never happened dammit.

*sigh* Peter Bishop, you can investigate my fringe science any old damn time you've got a notion.

How T. gondii works in rats, who are T. gondii’s primary targets, anyway, is that it gets into them, it rewires their brains with all the cysts, and then – no, I’m totally not kidding – it makes cat pee smell GOOD to them. It makes the rats LOVE THE SMELL OF CAT PEE. It also makes the rats GET SEXUALLY AROUSED BY CAT PEE. It ALSO makes the rats more active. So you have rats tantalizingly running around more and hanging out where cats pee. The scientists call this “feline fatal attraction” in what I can only assume is a bit of scientist-humor. HA WELL-PLAYED SCIENTISTS. Well! Who’s going to catch THOSE rats, I wonder? CATS. And once cats catch and eat them, T. gondii’s life cycle is complete – it can mate, because there are (I assume? The article didn’t really go into this) other T. gondii’s hanging out in the cats’ digestive tracts that they want to pump it, pump it real good with.

How it works in HUMANS is a little less easy to explain, because T. gondii doesn’t really want to BE in humans. It’s not MEANT to be in humans. But, good old T. gondii! It adapts!

It makes the following things happen:

Men become “more introverted, suspicious, oblivious to other people’s opinions of them, and inclined to disregard rules”

Women become “more outgoing, trusting, image-conscious, and rule-abiding”

Infected subjects have a slower response time and a lower fear response, so they are more apt to get in car accidents

Men who are infected are perceived as more masculine by members of the opposite sex than uninfected men (presumably because the microbe wants you to mate with its host)

If you have a genetic disposition toward depression or schizophrenia, it may be heightened or precipitated by infection

Men who are infected find the scent of cat urine attractive

Infected subjects have increased levels of dopamine, so their fear, pleasure, and attention signals are all out of whack (most upsetting side effect: it can rewire your fear sensors into your sexual arousal sensors, so when you are afraid, you become sexually aroused)

This is VERY UPSETTING.

However, I think we can surmise, based on the above, that I am not infected. OR, if I AM, I am male. Because look up there at the symptoms female subjects experience. Just look. Now look back at me. NOW BACK AT THE SYMPTOMS. I am NONE of those things. However! I am ALL of the things that the MALE subjects experience. So either I’m male (let me check…nope) or I’m parasitic-brain-sucking-microbe-free. WHOO. Didn’t get me YET, Dumbcat!

Now, the best part of this article, for me, was the testing section, where they talked about the scientific tests they ran to come up with the results above, and other tests they ran. My favorites:

“…a postdoctoral student decided to inspect infected rats’ testicles for signs of cysts. Sure enough, he found them there – as well as in the animals’ semen.”

I LOVE THIS. Is this not the WORST post-doctoral gig EVER? “What’d you do today, honey?” “Oh, nothing much. Manually masturbated rats, checked their semen and testicles for cysts. Typical day. How about you, babe? What’s for dinner? Can I help make it?” “WASH YOUR HANDS YOU ARE DISGUSTING DON’T EVEN TOUCH ME.”

And:

“To test whether they were prone to being suspicious, they were asked, among other things, to drink an unidentified liquid…And when it came to downing the mystery fluid…‘the infected males were much more hesitant than uninfected men.  They wanted to know why they had to do it. Would it harm them?’ In contrast, the infected women were the most trusting of all subjects. ‘They just did what they were told.’”

First, if you’re in a scientific test situation, I’m pretty sure they’re not going to kill you. That’s like being worried on Survivor that you might really die rappelling or something. You won’t, or they can’t air the footage, you know? The test is already flawed. Second, “downing the mystery fluid” is the funniest non-euphemism euphemism I’ve read all day. THIRD, infected girls would TOTALLY be a hit at college frat parties. Gah. Nervous-making. I’m thinking of the friends I had to pull out of “they just did what they were told” situations back in the early-to-mid-nineties and this is making me shudder. I wish I had known that it was the fault of their damn murdery brain-parasite infecting cats.

And:

“…infected men like the smell of cat pee…more favorably than uninfected men do…The sniff test was done blind and also included urine collected from a dog, horse, hyena, and tiger.”

This made me laugh and snort iced coffee out my nose, you guys. “OK, Bachelor #1, your blindfold tied tight? Good, good. Now, sniff, nice and deep. Get a gooood whiff. What’s that bouquet? Explain the notes you detect in this sample. Would you say it’s more or less pleasing than the last sample?” “OH MY GOD THEY ALL SMELL LIKE PISS PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP”

Alright. SO. Does Flegr say to get rid of Dumbcat? NO HE DOES NOT. He actually HAS cats. (Of course he does. He’s already infected, what does HE care?) He says it’s actually more important to wash your fruits and vegetables, make sure you have clean water, and cook your meat well (or at least freeze it before preparing it, if you have to have it done rare, to “kill the cysts.” UGH EW. ALSO! Have I not TOLD you people, ALL ALONG, that beef is DISGUSTING? Yes I HAVE. I’ve TOTALLY been trying to save you from BRAIN PARASITES.)

Also, this sentence, totally full of win: “The so-called cat craze began among ‘poets and left-wing avant-garde Greenwich Village types.’” Hee! YES. All the hippies and rebels and the ones your momma warned you about with their crazy hair and eyes and KITTY CATS FILLED WITH DISEASE!

As you can see, our cats are totally trying to kill us through car accidents and inappropriate sexual behavior due to BRAIN PARASITES. Barring that, they’re trying to get us to fall in love with the scent of their urine, I assume so they can start peeing all over the damn apartment.

SO! Let’s take our new-found knowledge and apply it in the REAL WORLD. Like scientists! Scientists of SCIENCE! Here are some famous people with cats. Let’s diagnose them!

Ian Somerholder! Totally not infected. He is very sweet and very non-scary. Unless this is a photo of Damon, in which case, YES. Damon is TOTALLY infected with cat-poo-borne brain parasites. That would explain why I am so attracted to Damon, as well. Hmm. This one’s iffy.

Michael Jackson before he was scary and filled with plastic surgery and also dead! No, not infected. Michael Jackson was a lot of things, but overly masculine was not one of them.

Holly Golightly! I think half-infected. The fashion-conscious and outgoing half. The other half, the rule-abiding and trusting half, not so much. The asshatty half, TOTALLY all her, though. If you’re mathing for me, that’s three halves.

Bill Clinton! NOT INFECTED. Don’t you even say a WORD. I won’t hear ANYTHING against my Bill Clinton. I LOVE HIM THE MOST. He has NO BRAIN PARASITES. He is PERFECT. Well, he might have a touch of whatever makes me irrationally attracted to him, but not brain parasites.

Dr. Evil! TOTALLY infected. Also, hairless cats creep me out the most. I had a friend with a hairless dog once. It was so icky.

Marilyn Monroe! Candle-in-the-wind poster child for parasitic brain infection. She fits the bill perfectly.

And finally, a young and adorable Michael J. Fox holding Dumbcat’s DOPPELGANGER! (Although with a tail. Dumbcat doesn’t have a tail. He lost it somewhere, I assume, and forgot where he left it and then wandered off and didn’t go back for it. That’s just like Dumbcat, honestly.) Not infected. Marty McFly is totally not infected with brain parasites.

So! In SUMMATION! Dumbcat! I TOTALLY have my eye on you right now, bud. If I start acting all compliant and friendly and wearing “expensive, designer-brand clothing” (HA, like that is EVER going to happen, I’d buy electronics or nail polish with that money first) you KNOW I have been body-snatched by a furry assassin with too many toes and ever-so-slightly crossed eyes. WATCH OUT FOR HIM. He is ONE WILY CAT. Him falling off the back of the couch and get his head stuck in my winter boot last night WAS JUST A RUSE. A cunning, cunning, hysterically clumsy MURDEROUS ruse.


You are a strange species. Shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you?

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day! I am on VACATION. I get one more vacation day, and I am using it like a BOSS. So far, I have eaten breakfast, and now I’m slumping around in my pajamas and writing. BUT NO! I totally have further plans. I got invited to join Pinterest today? So that probably’s going to consume me, it seems to consume everyone else who’s joined it. AND I have the final episode of this season’s Sherlock to watch, thanks to my super-secret Sherlock hookup who I won’t tell you about because it’s totally illegal but the things we do for love, right? AND I’M TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH. And I need to watch last night’s The Good Wife, because instead of watching it like I should have, I watched The Golden Globes, which were totally a hot mess that I wasted three hours on. The only things that were worth my time were Peter Dinklage and Jessica Lange winning, and this clip happening when Morgan Freeman won his Cecil B. DeMille award:

This is the best thing that happened all night. Well, also Ewan McGregor was just delicious. I mean, I’m pretty sure the man couldn’t get more handsome if he TRIED. Yowza.

Anyway, so we need to talk about something totally important that I found online that is very worrisome.

I’m pretty sure aliens or maybe robots are taking over wikiHow.

I found this on wikiHow the other day, not on PURPOSE, but when I was researching another post (I think it was that one last week about dating advice, or something) and when I read it, here were my thoughts:

  • Huh.
  • What the hell.
  • Who needs someone to spell out how to do this?
  • This just HAPPENS. You don’t need TIPS on this.
  • ZOMG ALIENS. ALIENS would need tips on this. OR MAYBE ROBOTS.

(YES, this is how my brain works. Are you totally excited about seeing how my brain works? I thought you might be. Or, wait, are you calling the men in the white coats now? Please don’t. I don’t think I’d fit in well at the mental institution. I’d be the worst at being medicated, and the food there seems really bland. Although I do hear there’s pudding. Who doesn’t like pudding?)

Let’s look at this article, because I’m pretty sure we need to defend ourselves against these robot aliens that are infiltrating our dating pool as we speak.

So, first. “How to Fall in Love.” Well! That’s nice and not-at-all a tip-off that this was written by an alien or a robot. Because you need to PLAN falling in love! You don’t just FALL in love. You have to plot it and work at it. It’s like a JOB. Good.

  1. Meet a lot of people. Aliens and robots want to meet a lot of people. Probably so they can perform experiments on humans or whatever. Or, wait, “fall in love” with us. OK. Also, “The person you love will most likely be your best friend or someone that you have known for a while.” Oh, so the aliens and robots are taking cues from romantic comedies. That always works out for everyone! Good job, aliens and robots!  And, “try hard not to fall in ‘love at first sight’ – it’s romantic, but it isn’t very smart.” See, this is how you KNOW it’s aliens and robots without human feelings, because who puts “love” and “smart” in the same sentence? Love isn’t SMART. It’s usually very STUPID. It’s fun and it’s awesome and it’s butterflies and shit, but it’s not always the most intellectual of pursuits. Come ON, aliens and robots. Try harder.
  2. Give it time. The aliens and robots have NOTHING BUT TIME. They’re here on Earth to STAY. They want to colonize our Earth with little alien-robot-human baby HYBRIDS. So they’re patient. They’ll wait. They’ll watch. They’ll observe. Quietly. From corners. With their creepy alien robot eyes. This step also says to “be friendly and open to everyone you meet.” Aliens and robots! That’s called “being a slut.” You don’t want to get an intergalactic reputation, now do you? NOW DO YOU? Plus, you’ll totally get crabs.
  3. “Read” the person. You’ve found your prey…I mean your POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST, alien or robot. “Watch for signals, body language, catching him or her looking at you, etc.” Watch them. WATCH THEM. Stare at them. For long, extended periods of time. Are they staring back? Are they mouthing “What the efffff?” to their friends? That’s good. That means they LOVE you, aliens and robots. Time to set your phasers to stun.
  4. Take the plunge. No, not into water, robots, CALM DOWN, I know that would make you short-circuit, IT’S A METAPHORICAL PLUNGE. Oh, yeah, I guess you, too, aliens, if you’re the aliens from Signs that were all water-averse, too. It’s not a real plunge. Please don’t annihilate my planet because the wikiHow foolishly used a water metaphor. “Ask him or her out. Don’t worry that you will be turned down – and never allow yourself to be intimidated by extreme beauty or social status.” Never? So, the aliens or robots should ask out, say, oh, I don’t know, Mila Kunis? She looked totally luminous at the Golden Globes last night. NEVER ALLOW IT, this says. OK, well, I guess if you’re an alien or a robot, you could ask anyone out. If they say no, you could probably enter their house in the middle of the night and probe them or something.  “If s/he seems interested in you despite the fact that you consider yourself ordinary while you consider him or her extraordinary, remember that you are a worthy person with much to offer. It’s no big wonder that s/he would find you interesting, fun, and attractive!” You can tell aliens and robots wrote this because it says “it’s no big wonder.” WHO TALKS LIKE THAT. No one. Someone who’s attempting English as a first language and failing. Miserably.  “Remember everyone is unique and so are you.” ESPECIALLY YOU, aliens and robots. ESPECIALLY YOU.
  5. Open yourself to love.  No, this doesn’t mean show them your motherboard, robots. Come on, save something for the third date. We have very stringent sex and dating rules here on Earth. “Share your heart, your dreams, your fears.” You know who loves to hear all your fears? The person you’re dating. Like, they love to hear them for HOURS. Aliens, probably this applies to you the most. Tell them for HOURS ON END about how you’re totally afraid that the third sun over your home planet will burn out, leaving your planet cold and desolate. THIS WILL MAKE THEM LOVE YOU MORE.  “Holding back at this stage will only result in many tears and the erection of barriers that may never fall – allow yourself to open up and be vulnerable and transparent.” HEE HEE ERECTION. “This is the only way to find out for sure if the person you are falling in love with can be trusted with your most valuable resource: your heart. Let him/her know who you actually are.” Aliens and robots: your most valuable resource is YOUR HEART. Not our water supply or our wombs that you’ve come here to obtain. YOUR HEART. Or, I guess, aliens, your multiple many-chambered green hearts, and robots, your battery. Also, I feel like maybe this is backward. The only way to find out if you can trust someone with your heart is to…give them your heart? Um. How about you give them something small first. Like, your Price Chopper savings card. Then, a week later, ask them, “Do you still have that Price Chopper savings card I let you hold onto for me?” and if they do, maybe move up to something more valuable, like a lip gloss, but your heart seems like you’re giving away something shatterable pretty early on, no? Oh, crap, I’m not thinking about this like an alien or a robot, I’m thinking about this like a HUMAN. My fault, sorry.
  6. Give yourself fully, receive wholeheartedly. Um, this whole step is very confusing? Because it goes into this whole thing about how Peter Pan realizes he is loved by Wendy in the 2003 movie. There was a 2003 Peter Pan movie? Where, on the alien planet? I don’t know about this. I mean, I’m not a Peter Pan scholar, but I think I would have heard about it. Also? Peter Pan didn’t care if he was loved by Wendy, because Peter Pan was eternally a little boy, and poor Wendy was always throwing good love after bad at him. ALIENS AND ROBOTS. Stop trying to parse our cultural tropes. You’re doing it wrong. Also, this stellar sentence is in this section: “The one you love has much invested in being The One to answer your prayers, to heal your hurts, to make a huge difference in your life.” Things that make me want to stab a sack of kittens here, aliens and robots: “The One,” “answer your prayers,” “heal your hurts.” There is no “one,” and you need to be able to do these things FOR YOURSELF. You can’t rely on someone else to do these things FOR YOU. Aliens and robots! I’m pretty sure whoever you enslaved to write this for you has been watching too many sappy 70s Love Story-style movies. You should probably disembowel them now.
  7. Tell your love that you are in love. JUST LIKE THAT, too. All stilted-like. “MY LOVE I AM IN LOVE.” That won’t tip them off that they’re in the presence of a robot or alien AT ALL. Also, this step says you can’t say “I love you” but that you HAVE to say, “I am in love with you” or it doesn’t work. Like it’s a passcode to get into a mystery cave, or something. The mystery cave is a euphemism. In case you were wondering. I thought you might be. Well! I’m glad I know this. This is also a good tip for humans. If you’re dating someone who seems a little alien or robotic, and they come up to you one day all “I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU” probably they read this wikiHow, and also want to have alien or robot babies with you. Just a warning.
  8. Defend the honor of your love. AWESOME. This is where we get to the dueling portion of the wikiHow. This step says not to make jokes about “your love” (from this point forward, the wikiHow calls the person you’ve snagged “your love” as if this is Elizabethan England and seriously, I’m totally going to vomit) and also, if someone tells you they’re cheating, don’t believe that person, ONLY BELIEVE YOUR LOVE. I mean, that makes sense. Who would cheat on a robot or an alien? Unless they wanted to be laser-murdered or something.
  9. Do nothing to compromise trust. Best sentence in this section: “Don’t do anything that even looks funky.” What about the Funky Chicken? SHIT. Also, this step’s going to be hard for aliens and robots, who, I assume, are often going to be talking into intergalactic communicators and nipping off to plot with co-conspirators to take over the world and such. Shit shit SHIT.
  10. Believe in your love. (puke) The gist of this is that you should never threaten to break up with “your love” because that’s rude. I don’t think that’s an issue for the aliens or robots. I’m pretty sure at this point in the game, the aliens and robots will have you tied in the basement gestating their alien robot babies or something.
  11. Do something every day to make your love’s life worth living. WHAT THE HELL. Why are the aliens and robots dating someone whose life is SO BAD they don’t have anything in their lives worth living for except whatever stupid thing the aliens and robots do for them every day, like make them pancakes or some such shit? Aliens and robots! You are choosing people with totally low self-esteem! I think you can do better. You know who seems totally filled with self-worth? Kate Winslet. She ran into a burning building recently to save someone’s grandmother. She’d be a good mate. Don’t worry if she turns you down: remember that step up there that said that said NO ONE IS BETTER THAN YOU. (Also, this step says to “mend his favorite shirt.” Screw that, he can buy a new damn shirt. I’m not mending shit. Aliens and robots, you shouldn’t, either. Or, “bring him orange juice” or constantly text him those stabbifying “<3” things. Don’t do this, aliens and robots! It’s not going to end well, I promise.)
  12. Celebrate! I think the only sentence in this step that bears repeating is “hold on tight and never let go.” NEVER EVER EVER. Not with your robot-grip or your alien-pincher. NEVER.
  13. Fall in love for the right reasons. OK, so this is the final proof we have that this was written by and for aliens. Because it says to NEVER fall in love based on physical or sexual attraction. Because you know what’s totally clinical and you’re totally able to separate it from hormones? Love. It’s like being in a doctor’s office. No sparks! Cold! Analytical! (Not THOSE kind of sparks. Put away the taser, Gkluntak the Punisher from Planet Xortax.)

Helpfully enough, there is also a wikiHow for “how to fall OUT of love” which I will go into another day, because this is already much too long and I am tired.

Aliens and robots! WE ARE ON TO YOU. We know what to look out for, now. YOU CANNOT FOOL US with your “I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU MY LOVE” and your constant fetchery of glasses of orange juice and shirt-mending.

Earth triumphs! EARTH TRIUMPHS! Aren’t you so glad I noticed this article? I mean, imagine if I hadn’t. OH THE HORROR. Alien robot babies! Dogs and cats! Living together! Mass hysteria!


Leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and winning at time travel

I’ve spent the past week (as anyone who follows me on Twitter knows, probably to the point of you wanting to shake me to make me shut up, and NO I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE) wrapped up tight in Stephen King’s grip, reading 11/22/63. I finished last night, past the point when I was supposed to be sleeping, because I couldn’t let it go one more night without knowing what happened.

I’m not going to give you a review here – a review is forthcoming, but elsewhere, cue evil laughter and plotting Burns-hands – other than to say I loved it, it’s unlike anything of his I’ve read before, and I cried on at least five different occasions, two of which were ugly, noise-making weep-a-thons that would have been embarrassing had they not been done in places where no one could see me. Well, one was in my car in the parking lot of the Rite Aid? But probably no one peered into my car. I mean, PROBABLY no one did. If they did, sorry, Rite Aid shoppers. I wasn’t having a breakdown. I was there to buy cat food and then got reading and it got REALLY GOOD. Please forgive.

The plot of the book, in brief, for anyone who doesn’t know, is this: a schoolteacher in Maine travels back to 1958 through a “bubble” in the fabric of time to pull a Quantum Leap and right what once went wrong. Only on Quantum Leap, those things actually DID go wrong. Jake doesn’t know that what he wants to right wasn’t supposed to happen the way it does. He doesn’t have Ziggy and Al to help him, and he’s not changing a little moment in time like some woman leaving her abusive husband or something. What Jake wants to stop is the Kennedy assassination.

I’ll save my big, profound thoughts for a time yet undetermined, in a place other than this (Burns-hands, Burns-hands, muah-ha-ha) but of course, as you do, I started thinking, what would I change, if this was a real thing I could do?

And I came up with some things. I mean, first I came up with the one real thing? And that’s none of your business, because it’s sad and it’s private and it made me cry. But then I came up with SARCASTIC things. So I would obviously win time-travel. I mean, did you doubt that I would? Did you really? I’m disappointed in you. Maybe you have a fever. You should have some soup and go back to bed, I think.

1985

A backyard in upstate New York. There are two children in the backyard, a ten-year-old girl with unfortunate glasses and a seven-year-old boy who has an evil look in his eye. There is a board on the ground, balanced on a triangular rock, like a see-saw. The girl is standing at the end of the board closest to the ground. The boy is standing at the other end.

Future me: Hey! Kids!

Prepubescent me: Um, stranger danger.

Little bro: What the hell.

Future me: I am here to stop the insanity.

Little bro: OK. What?

Future me: Hey, little bro. Let me guess. You JUST asked your sister to stand over there so you can test out this boss see-saw you invented, right? And you’re going to ask her to look really close at one end, then you’re going to step REALLY HARD on the high end, so the board flies up and smashes her in the face?

Little bro: Um. What? No. I would NEVER do THAT.

Future me: And! Little Amy! You’re actually STUPID enough to think that your brother ISN’T going to take this opportunity to use the simple laws of physics and your own naïveté to whale you in the face with a board.

Prepubescent me: Um…you look really familiar. Like one of my aunts, or something. But you have really bad hair.

Future me: I AM A VERY BUSY WOMAN AND DON’T HAVE TIME TO STYLE MY HAIR. In the future no one cares about hair.

Little bro: I bet that’s not true.

Future me: Wow, you’re totally rude, little bro.

Prepubescent me: So you’re saying I was about to get hit in the face with this board?

Future me: YES. Little bro here stomps on the board. The board flies up – PHYSICS, darlin’, you don’t do great in it in school, but I promise, that’s how a pivot point works – and it smacks you in the glasses, breaking them, and the cheekbone, cutting it. There’s blood, and there’s a scar. It’s kind of a thing.

Prepubescent me: That’s mean of him.

Future me: Don’t worry. He gets nicer once you both grow up.

Prepubescent me: You are the best, Future Amy! But seriously, why is our hair so messy?

Future me: You ask a lot of questions. Go read a book or something, kiddo.

1992

A lovely young lady is watching a long-haired guy sing in a band. He is singing some Doors song. Sorry. Mangling. MANGLING some Doors song. She looks like someone hit her over the head with a love-hammer. Like, stars and birds wheeling over her head. IT IS HORRIFYING.

Future me: Hey. Goofy Matilda. Over here.

Lovestruck me: Um…yes? Sorry, I’m really trying to watch this.

Future me: Yeah. I know. That’s why I’m here.

Lovestruck me: I’m sorry?

Future me: Listen, it is NEVER a good idea to fall for a guy in a band.

Lovestruck me: Who are you? You look familiar. Do you want to borrow a brush? Your hair’s kind of a mess.

Future me: THIS IS HOW WE WEAR OUR HAIR IN 2011 WHEN WE’RE VERY FAMOUS BLOGGERS.

Lovestruck me: What’s a blogger?

Future me: That doesn’t matter. OK, see your honey up there? He’s about to dedicate a song to you.

Singer: This one’s for my lady. (Launches into the most horrendously sexual version of “Feel Like Makin’ Love” you’ve ever heard in your LIFE.)

Lovestruck me: Aw. That’s so nice! (swoons a little)

Future me: THAT IS RAPEY. You’re not even EIGHTEEN yet.

Lovestruck me: He LOVES me. I love HIM. We’re going to be in love FOREVER.

Future me: Nope. You break up after falling for a ginger boy two weeks into freshman year of college. Jim Morrison up there then proceeds make a total and complete Marky-Mark Wahlberg in Fear out of himself until you threaten HIM with a restraining order.

Lovestruck me: You don’t know what you’re talking about. WE ARE IN LOVE.

Future me: Also, avoid the ginger boy. Because he’s just heartbreak in a freckly, adorable little body.  But mostly, NO MORE BAND BOYS. Also, theater boys are usually bad news, too. Mostly because you have the wrong naughty-parts for them, get me?

Lovestruck me: Um, no.

Future me: I kind of want to headdesk right now, kiddo.

Lovestruck me: It’s like you speak another language. Is that how they speak in the future?

Future me: Yep. The cool kids, anyway. LISTEN. Rules. No more band boys; no more theater boys. Stick to the nerds. The nerdier the better. OK? The smart ones who read a lot and like computers and video games. They’re going somewhere. I’m telling you.

Lovestruck me: Seriously, I have a brush in my bag. Do you want to borrow it?

Future me: I feel like I’m screaming into a brick wall of hormone-driven stupidity right now. I am not winning time travel at all, Lovestruck Me. Thanks a LOT.

1997

A bored twenty-something is working at a video store. Her uniform consists of a white button-down tuxedo shirt, a red ball cap, black slacks, and a totally bitchin’ vest that smells like all the employees that have come before.

Employee me: Hi. How can I help you.

Future me: I’m going to give you a little quick advice, minimum-wage Sally, so listen up.

Employee me: Um, ok. Did you want to rent a video, or…

Future me: I’m you. Fifteen years from now. DON’T MENTION MY HAIR.

Employee me: I wasn’t…ok, I totally was. Did we just give up on a hairstyle?

Future me: YES IT TAKES TOO LONG WHATEVER. Listen. See that guy over there?

Employee me: What guy, the new guy? Yeah, so?

Future me: Start talking to him. NOW.

Employee me: Why? He’s just some guy.

Future me: Yeah, no. See, that “just some guy?” Your future best friend. Trust me on this. Every minute you spend NOT talking to him? You’re missing out on face-time with the most awesome person on the planet.

Employee me: I don’t even KNOW him.

Future me: I KNOW. That’s why I’m HERE. You waste like a MONTH because you’re weird and awkward about getting to know new people. Get over there and start talking. In five years, you move across the country and you don’t get to see him very often anymore, so take advantage now, please.

Employee me: I’m kind of finding it hard to trust you. With that hair and all. Like, you know you have a million flyaways, right? I think they have protein sprays or something that could fix that.

Future me: YOU ARE A JACKASS, DISAFFECTED YOUTH OF AMERICA. Go. Now. Time’s a-wastin’. You’ll thank me later. I promise.

(Awww, I know, I KNOW. Sometimes I get all sap-sap-sappy. I CAN’T HELP IT. IT SNEAKS UP ON ME. Psst…love you, W.)


My Top Five Most Anticipated Fall Shows. THEY ARE GEEKTASTIC.

Time for the final installment in our very exciting three-part series on fall television! OK, FINE, it’s only exciting for me. I AM VERY EXCITED. Like, crazy-eyed excited, yo. Fall television! It is enough to make a person jump up and down in their chair. Although I am still sick, so there will be no jumping, really. And as an aside, did you know when you call your doctor and tell them you are most likely dying, they don’t even believe you? It’s totally the case. I called my doctor, who was not there, and got a nurse, who was not in the least bit sympathetic to my almost-dying plight and told me that “these things happen” and that the doctor – the only one she was “comfortable” seeing me for this particular issue (so…if it’s such a common thing, why can’t any of the yahoos over there see me for it? Why the big kahuna only? I think this is suspicious) – is out of town until Monday and I couldn’t get in until then to see him. “So will I die in the meantime?” I asked her. “Probably not?” she said, in a doubtful tone. “But if you get better, feel free to call and cancel the appointment, to free it up for someone else!” Well. Well! I feel SO MUCH BETTER ALL ALONE WITH MY DEATH THANK YOU.

On to more exciting matters. Fall television! The top five new shows I am most excited about, in ascending order, so leaving the best for last. I realize that at least one, if not more, of these is going to be a disaster, and let me down a great deal. But right now anything is possible. It’s like the day before Christmas when you’re a kid. Anything could be under that tree, ANYTHING! And then the day after, you’re surrounded by shitty gifts like socks and store-brand Cabbage Patch Kids with wonky eyes and you ate too much candy so you feel gross but the day before is the BEST, right?

Also,you’re going to be able to tell (if you didn’t already know) by reading this list that I’m a huge geek. These shows are all filled with geekery. Two fantasy, one sci-fi, one horror, and one mystery which stars the goddess of geekdom herself. So if you don’t want to read this as a “shows I’m stoked about” post, read it as a “geeks, these are shows MADE FOR US!” list. I’m down with that.

Most Anticipated New Fall Television Shows

Once Upon a Time (10/23/11, ABC)

Premise: A mystery series where fairy tale characters live in a parallel world on our Earth where they don’t remember their true identities or lives.

Starring: Jennifer Morrison, Ginnifer Goodwin, Paula Marshall, Raphael Sbarge, Giancarlo Esposito, and some other people I don’t know

OK, before you say “this is going to SUCK!”, I love fairy tales, I love retellings and reimaginings of canonical stories, and I love fantasy series. Yes, I am aware this is probably going to be awful. It’s on ABC, which is worrisome. Sure, they brought us Lost – but they’re kind of hit-or-miss with things. Does anyone remember (I bet you don’t– IT WAS THAT BAD) Happy Town? It started with such promise and it was SO STUPID. ABC just let it trail off and you had to watch the last couple episodes online (and if you did, you left your computer stupider for it – the ending was ridiculous.) So yes, this could be awful. Also, Ginnifer Goodwin worries me, because I don’t like her acting much. But I think the premise is kind of awesome! It shows promise! I think there are a lot of places you could go with this, and so many fairy tales to mine from, that you could have story arcs for years to come, if it takes off! Yes, yes, I know, odds are VERY good it won’t. But I’m hopeful. Day before Christmas, remember?

It’s also worrisome that this is debuting in October. That can’t be a good sign.

Grimm (10/21/11, NBC)

Premise: A detective learns he is descended from hunters whose job is to protect humanity from fairy tale creatures loose in our world. (Um. Hmm. This is…a little derivative of Supernatural? But I love Supernatural. And Supernatural’s ending soon. So I’m cool with that, to some extent.)

Starring: No one I’ve ever heard of. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing.

I’m both excited and trepidatious about this. It looks fun! It’s on a major network! It’s got a fairy-tale angle, which as discussed above, I love! However. Stealing from Supernatural is a bit of a dick move. It could be completely different, but the “hunter” thing? Supernatural. The creatures? Supernatural. So I’m excited, but I’m going to wait and see. It’s still in my top five, because it has a lot of things that excite me. But I’m going to hang back before I throw myself at the feet of this one.

Seems like a weird fit for NBC. If this is another Persons Unknown debacle, I’m going to be pissed. (Tell me someone other than me watched that nonsense last summer. Wasn’t it so awful? I kept waiting to either care about one of the characters or for something to make sense. Neither happened. I wanted ten minutes alone in a cage with one of the writers.) Also debuting in October. What’s with that?

Terra Nova (9/26/11, FOX)

Premise: in America of the future, a family travels, via time machine, back to the age of the dinosaurs to start a new life

Starring: Jason O’Mara (yum!), Stephen Lang, Landon Liboiron from Life Unexpected, and other people I haven’t heard of; produced by Stephen Spielberg. Also starring lots of dinosaurs. BAM I SAID DINOSAURS.

This is probably on a lot of people’s short lists. I’m excited, but probably not as excited as most people. Here’s my worry – is it going to end up like Land of the Lost? Because I don’t think I could handle that. When I was a kid, Land of the Lost was on reruns Saturday mornings and it was SO STUPID. Also, I get the theme song stuck in my head at inappropriate moments even now, thirty years later, and I find myself singing “the laaaand…of the loooost….” and that’s kind of upsetting. Probably this will be better and Jurassic Park-like, right? But not Jurassic Park 2. That was awful, despite Vince Vaughn who I love. (Yes, I know he’s kind of a goofball. I don’t know why I love him. The heart wants what it wants.)

This should be good. Stephen Spielberg! Jason O’Mara! Or could be awful. Greenscreen acting! I am excited – it’s a huge sci-fi undertaking and is costing a lot of money and if it’s good, it will be very, very good – but also a little scared it’s going to be awful. But if it’s awful, it might be REALLY awful. Like, laugh-out-LOUD awful. Which is good in its own way, too.

American Horror Story (10/5/11, FX)

Premise: A family moves into a haunted home in California.

Starring: Connie Britton, Dylan McDermott, Jessica Lange, Frances Conroy, Denis O’Hare, ZACHARY EFFING QUINTO, and it’s produced by Ryan Murphy, mofos

This is so exciting I might pee my pants. Let me list the awesomeness, ready? It’s horror. That, first and foremost, wins me over. It’s on FX, so the special effects will be better, as will (probably) the writing. (Terriers was so good that I cried during the final episode, not because it was good – it was – but because it was being cancelled. And don’t get me started on the awesomeness of Justified and my cowboy boyfriend Raylan Givens.) The cast is kind of amazeballs, no? Jessica Lange? Denis O’Hare? SYLAR? Sylar’s going to be in this? I mean, you could put Sylar in pretty much anything and I’d watch it, so there’s that. Ryan Murphy, who (this past season of Glee aside) is kind of television magic?

Sylar. SYLAR! LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
You can’t look away. THEY ARE MESMERIZING.
I am very, very, very, times fifty very’s, excited about this. The fact that it’s starting in October isn’t as disturbing to me because it’s FX. Cable networks have different rules. They’re loners, Dottie. They’re rebels. Watch this because I’m going to want to discuss it with people and if no one’s watching it, it will be cancelled and I’ll be blue.

Ringer (9/13/11, CW)

Premise: A mystery series in which a twin impersonates her supposedly dead sister.

Starring: Oh, I don’t know. No one that exciting. Nestor Carbonell, a.k.a. “Eyeliner Dude,” from Lost. Kristoffer Polaha from Life Unexpected. OH WAIT ALSO JASON DOHRING. Excuse me for a minute, I think I just lost my shit and have to go find it again. There it is. AND ALSO SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR. My shit is officially lost and gone forever.

Now, I know I’ve mentioned time and time and TIME again how much I love Buffy. But have I mentioned my obsession with Veronica Mars? Like, watched each episode over and over, chatted in chatrooms, emailed people theories, loved Veronica Mars. JASON DOHRING IS IN THIS SHOW. You know about Logan Echolls, right? If you don’t, please immediately rectify this situation by getting Seasons One and Two of Veronica Mars. You can get Season Three, afterwards, because you’ll want to know what happens. It’s not as good, but it’s still ok. Jason Dohring played my favorite bad boy on television for three years, and I will love him for the rest of his (and my) life for that.

Oh, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this. I mean, I was already perma-squeeing about this when it was announced, due to Buffy having a new show. But then Jason Dohring. That is like the perfect pairing, really.

The plot – well, it’s been done. But I’m willing to give that a pass. It’s got potential. And with the two of them – um, LOGAN ECHOLLS YOU GUYS LOGAN ECHOLLS. Sorry. You really have to understand – Logan Echolls. Logan “I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me?” Echolls. Logan “Dream on, Jump Street, I’m not leaving you alone with her” Echolls. I would watch Jason Dohring in anything. (I actually did. I watched every single episode of that piss-poor vampire garbage show Moonlight because he was in it, and that shit was PAINFUL. But Jason Dohring!)

LOGAN ECHOLLS. If you don’t love him, you
are missing part of your SOUL.

Fine, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar. This show has geek cred. I think a lot of geeks are lining up for this one. And it starts TOMORROW. This is very exciting. I am already planning my evening around this.

So happy fall viewing! Let’s do a recap halfway through and see where we stand, ok? I bet something gets cancelled after only a couple of episodes. That’s always my favorite. I love a good crash-and-burn.


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