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Category Archives: resolutions

A new year post on the actual day. Go me.

Happy new year, people of the interwebs! OK, so I missed New Year’s day for some of you. I know. I’m the worst at thinking in a timely fashion for other time zones. Please forgive me, other time zones. Here is a photo of Dumbcat looking pensive to make up for my transgression.

Hapey Noo Yere, peeple of bloge. I had a birfday this weeke adn am nowe fifeteene. In humaene yeers that is 76 yeers old. I shoulde reetire.

Hapey Noo Yere, peeple of bloge. I had a birfday this weeke adn am nowe fifeteene. In humaene yeers that is 76 yeers old. I shoulde reetire and get soceel securtee so Momee can stay homee and pet my furrs all the dayys.

A couple weeks ago at work, one of my most favorite coworkers (there are a lot of them…I kind of work with the best people in all the land) and I were talking about blogging. Here, I’ll give you our conversation. If he happens to read this (and I suppose he might, the internet’s a very small place sometimes), apologies in advance for stealing your words and putting them on the internets for all to read, one of my most favorite coworkers whose name I will not put on the blog because I’m about 99% sure it would embarrass the pants right off of you and I enjoy you so much I would never want to do that to you. Plus, also, workplace harassment, yo, I can’t be taking work-people’s pants off. I think there’s a seminar or something about that.

I seriously just snorted orange soda up my nose at this. This was NOT the image I went looking for, but look at the chick's face. It's like she's oblivious to the butt-groping. Or she's looking at a really funny kitten-GIF. Or maybe she just really likes the groping, I don't even know. Either way, it is my best thing of the day.

I seriously just snorted orange soda up my nose at this. This was NOT the image I went looking for, but look at the chick’s face. It’s like she’s oblivious to the butt-groping. Or she’s looking at a really funny kitten-GIF. Or maybe she just really likes the groping, I don’t even know. Either way, it is my best thing of the day.

Impressive Reporter Coworker: So I noticed the other day you’re a tweetaholic. You have over 20,000 tweets!
Me: Oh. Yeah. I used to tweet a lot. I don’t do that anymore.
IRC: Why?
Me: Oh, kind of a long story. I used to blog? And then tweet a lot, kind of in relation to that? I kind of fell out of practice.
IRC: You had a blog?
Me: Yeah. I kind of still do, I guess, but it just sits there.
IRC: What was it about?
Me: Um. Mostly me ranting about some things and making fun of other things? Also I talked about zoos a lot.

By the way, this happened a couple months ago in Syracuse. I like it because it looks like I Munchausen-by-Proxyed my penguin-baby and have gone cheerfully insane.

By the way, this happened a couple months ago in Syracuse. I like it because it looks like I Munchausen-by-proxyed my penguin-baby and have gone cheerfully insane.

IRC: And people would read it?
Me: Heh. Yeah. Lots of people would read it. I won some awards. And I met amazing people. And I went to Finland last year. Got to stay with people I met through blogging, actually. It was fantastic.
IRC: So…what happened?

And I didn’t have an answer for him. Not really.

What happened? Oh, I don’t know. Life, I guess. Andreas and I have spent copious amounts of time discussing that. Priorities change. Things change. People come in and out of your life. Moods rise and fall. Jobs come and go. I can most sincerely say that the person I was three and a half years ago when I started blogging isn’t the person I am now. I think back on that person and she seems like a complete stranger to me. It’s not that I’m embarrassed of her; it’s that I don’t know her at all, and I don’t know how I ever was her. I have a record that I was, I can look back on old posts and I know I wrote them, but as for remembering it, it’s kind of fuzzy. Too much water under the bridge.

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…and I realize there’s this itchy little part of me that wants to start writing again, and writing more. Otherwise I’m going to probably self-destruct.

I’m not juvenile enough to think resolutions ever stick. The first day of the year always seems so shiny and new, doesn’t it? Like you can accomplish anything. Like you have 365 days of newness (ooh, 366 this year, yeah?) to tackle and make your own. But I don’t know about you…but every resolution I’ve ever made has fizzled around February once you realize “oh, look, this shiny new year is very much like last year, what are the odds, yo.”

Instead, I’m going to be kind to myself, and promise myself I’ll do things that are good for me – and writing’s good for me. So writing here? Good for me. Writing poetry, essays, maybe even some short fiction? Good for me. And it’s good for my mind, because I need it to stop being so itchy. An itchy mind never did anyone any good.

(Side note: I have an amazing job, and every now and then I get to write. I got to write part of an article – FOR THE ACTUAL PAPER! – a couple months ago, and then got asked to write a LONG article for one of our related publications. A three-page article about traveling to Albany and all the things you can do there. It’s not online yet – will be eventually, and then you can read it, if you’re so inclined – but long story short, I get to write for work. I also get to do our social media, copyedit, proofread, and sometimes there’s totally a STOP THE PRESSES! moment with late-breaking news which makes me jump around in my chair because I feel like I’m in a 40s film with very impressive fedoras. My coworkers are fantastic, because they’ve totally accepted me even though I’m the biggest goofball. And I can say, with 100% certainty, I’ve never had a job where I can be more myself, and where I’ve felt more immediately at home with the people, than this one. Ever. When you can completely dork out about something three days in and no one even bats an eye? You have won employment.)

Sometimes I like to imagine that I'm in "His Girl Friday" only there's a lot less sexism (and also a lot fewer typewriters, ashtrays, and, sadly, fedoras.)

Sometimes I like to imagine that I’m in “His Girl Friday” only there’s a lot less sexism (and also a lot fewer typewriters, ashtrays, and, sadly, fedoras.)

I’m kind of rambling, here.

Anyway: I have a couple of people I’m going to encourage to blog, and they’re going to, in turn, encourage ME to blog, this year, so we’re responsible to one another as well as being cheerleady. And this will, hopefully, stop the brain-itching and get me back writing and being creative.

Happy New Year, internets. I hope your 2014s weren’t as fraught with weirdness as mine was (and most people I know had a TERRIBLE 2014, what’s going on, 2014, why were you so cursed?) and your 2015 looks like 366 (or 365, sorry, people of other time zones, I really meant to do this earlier in the day but I was too busy painting a unicorn head to go over my new fireplace…YES THAT IS REALLY A THING I DID TODAY, WHY ARE YOU ASKING) new and shiny days of awesome that you can tackle and wrestle into submission and make yours, all yours.

This is my unicorn head that is hanging over my fireplace. I don't have a name for him yet, but I'm leaning toward Reginald von Sparklenstein.

This is my new unicorn head that is hanging over my fireplace. I don’t have a name for him yet, but I’m leaning toward Baron Reginald von Sparklenstein.

Much love to your shiny little new-year faces. *smooch*

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Our fate lives within us, you only have to be brave enough to see it.

I think you’re supposed to do resolutions this time of year. That’s the thing, right? NEW YEAR! RESOLUTIONS!

This is for you, Andreas. I know you'll love this.

This is for you, Andreas. I know you’ll love this.

Thing is, those get broken. You’re all fired up for like a week, then you get tired, and it’s so damn cold (well, unless you live somewhere warm; somewhere warm certainly isn’t here) and you might have resolved to, I don’t know, go to the gym more, or eat better, but again, SO DAMN COLD, and it’s so much easier to shotgun episodes of Elementary and eat a lot of comforting bread pudding. I mean. Not that I know anyone who’s done that. Who would do such a thing? Foolishness.

Yeah, who would eat all the warm bread pudding? WHO WOULD DO THAT?

Yeah, who would eat all the warm bread pudding? WHO WOULD DO THAT?

So instead of resolutions, I like to have some objectives. I may or may not reach these objectives, but they’re something to shoot for…and sometimes they’re long-term objectives, and sometimes lifetime objectives, and sometimes short-term objectives. And I try very hard not to beat myself up if I don’t meet my objectives. Being nicer to myself has been a long-term objective for years. I’m working really hard to keep that one.

My main objective for 2014 (hi, 2014! I am so excited you’re here!) is to be brave.

What? Amy? Amy isn’t brave? Amy’s awful shouty for a coward.

I’m not a coward. I just often take the easy way out, and that’s often the quiet route. I let a lot of life pass me by because it’s easier to not reach for what I want, not speak up, not be direct about things.

Being brave is SCARY. You have to step outside of your comfort zone a LOT to be brave. You have to be willing to get shot down, and you have to be willing to be laughed at, sometimes. But you also get the satisfaction of having BEEN brave. You get to take that home with you. That’s yours to keep.

I’ve already set some of the scaffolding in place for this for the year; nothing I’m going to discuss at the moment, but it’s actually progressing as we speak. (Another objective: not waiting until some random day like the first of the year to start things. I started working on this one big bravery-objective probably mid-2013.)

So, if we had to pick a watchword for 2014: brave. Not in the Sara Bareilles way or the badass-archer-redhead and her bear-mom way, either. Just in an Amy-way, which is a much smaller-spanning way, and probably has very little impact on anyone but me…but I’d like to know that I have it in me to be brave.

2014 is also going to be a year for travel: that’s not as much of an objective, but a given. I have the tickets. I’m going to Europe. The clock flipped over to 12 and it became The Year Amy Goes to Europe. (Well, I suppose technically it’s the year I go to Europe AGAIN, as I’ve been ONCE, but this time it MATTERS.) This is the year I’m old enough to APPRECIATE Europe, and give some people that have my heart some HUGE HUGS. And spend actual face-time with them. Extended face-time. I can’t even tell you how excited I am about this. I’m marking days off my calendar like I’m facing parole in a little under 5 months. Europe! I am so going to rock you with ZOMGs and excited laughter and wild eyes of wonder and hair that is totally intractable! Look out!

Here I come, land of the Finns! We are going to have the best of times!

Here I come, land of the Finns! We are going to have the best of times!

I’m also planning at least one, if not two, trips to my favorite city in all the world (which is…who’s been paying attention? NEW YORK CITY! You win! What do you win? Hell, I don’t know. My applause, I guess!) and will go with/see some more of my favorite people while there. My favorite city plus my favorite people? Total win.

I miss you, New York! It's been too long!

I miss you, New York! It’s been too long!

Maybe some other smaller trips; maybe just little adventures around here. There are adventures to be had close to home, not just far away. There are places I’ve totally not explored here, even after living here for 11 years. It won’t hurt anything to have a few close-to-home adventures. Plus, upside: I know where all the bathrooms/escape routes are!

It’s also going to be a year of books (not a surprise to anyone that knows me, I’m sure) and theater (again, not at all a shocker) and catching up on television shows and spending time, both in real-time and internet-time, with the people I love, and none of that varies from this year. Those things have all worked. You keep the things that worked, you see. The things that didn’t, you boot to the curb. You don’t need to carry those things with you into your shiny new year. If you keep carrying around all that garbage, you’ll give yourself a sore back, you know?

And I’m going to risk things, and go on adventures, and I’m going to be brave, because you don’t get anywhere if no one knows you want to go. You can’t just sit at the station and watch the trains go by; you have to get up your courage and get ON one of those trains. Where it’s taking you? Well, you might have an idea, but it also might be a bit of an unknown to you. And that’s the scary bit. But you’re never going to go if you just sit and watch. You have to actually be part of what’s happening.

Here’s to stepping in the middle of it and not getting trampled. Welcome, 2014; your big brother 2013 hasn’t been overly kind to anyone I know, and we’re all so, so glad you’ve arrived. You be good to us, ok?

Welcome, welcome, happy new year! I'm so glad to meet you!

Welcome, welcome, happy new year! I’m so glad to meet you!


Make glorious, amazing mistakes.

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.” 
― Neil Gaiman

(We’ve had a lot of Gaiman lately. He wins, really, I’m not even going to apologize for it.)

Welcome 2013! I am glad to see your shiny face. 2012 was kind of a long, hard slog through the Fire Swamp, right? What with the R.O.U.S.s and the Snow Sand and all. (You can also call it Lightning Sand like they did in the movie; I’m cool either way.) I have high hopes for you, 2013. HIGHEST OF HOPES!

This kind of perfectly sums up my 2012, really.

This kind of perfectly sums up my 2012, really.

I think I’m supposed to do resolutions today. But I don’t like resolutions. Resolutions do nothing but make you look back on them at the end of the year and say, “Nope, didn’t do that. Nope, didn’t do that. Oh, hey, forgot I even resolved to do that. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME LAST YEAR.” So I try not to resolve. If something’s a good idea, I try to institute it immediately. If something’s a long-term goal, I write it on a post-it and I attempt not to lose that post-it. Then I find that post-it all crumply in the bottom of my purse a month later and say, “oh. Whoops, sorry, long-term goal.”

(SIDE NOTE SPEAKING OF POST-ITS. Guess who was put in charge of office supplies for her WHOLE DEPARTMENT last week? That’s right, me. If it was someone else, why would I even be telling you this side note? You don’t know anyone who works there and wouldn’t care if I said, “THE ANSWER IS MY BOSS N.”, now, would you? Anyway, I got to fill up one of my desk drawers with the overflow office supplies no one needs yet, and from now on, if anyone needs office supplies, they email me and say, “AMY! OFFICE SUPPLY ME UP!” A wonderful side-effect of this is that if I run out of post-its, I can just reach into the drawer and grab some. I don’t even have to ask anyone for them. Is that the best thing ever? Yes. Also, I am obsessed with office supplies? So really they couldn’t have chosen someone better for the ordering of them. I’m going to be very good at this.)

MINE MINE ALL MINE!

MINE MINE ALL MINE!

Anyway, instead of resolutions, I’m going to just list the things I’m PLANNING in 2013. I like plans and schemes. They might not come to fruition, but I’m still planning ‘em. If I don’t follow through, I won’t feel as bad as I would if I said, “I’m going to lose A HUNDRED POUNDS IN 2013!!!” and then didn’t, you know? Because then you feel like a big fat failure. No pun intended.

Travel. Now that I have enough money that I can actually DO things with it, one of the first things I plan on doing is blowing this pop-stand, baby. I promised R. & A. (and Baby CeeVee!) I would come see them last fall, but that fell through due to unemployment. Well, this year there is not only employment, there is money with which to GO places. And DO things. (And copious vacation time with which to do them.) So first: Baltimore to see R. and A. and Baby CeeVee, who is the most smiley happy beautiful child in all the LAND! I’m not even kidding, this kiddo’s got a smile that would melt a POLAR ICECAP. And she has her mom’s eyes! I can’t wait to see her in person! And to see R. and A., who I haven’t seen in a very long time and I love them to pieces! YAY TRAVEL!

I'm taking the train to see R. & A. I will feel VERY fancy.

I’m taking the train to see R. & A. I will feel VERY fancy.

There will also be a trip home this summer to spend a long, lazy week at my parents’ camp in the woods, if all goes according to plan, and THEN, if all ELSE goes according to plan, I’m going on a REAL trip in the late summer/early fall. It is a trip I am not talking about until it actually gets planned and such, but I will say it is somewhere in MERKA, it is to see someone I love a great deal, and will be VERY bon vivanty. AND THERE WILL BE ANIMALS. That’s all I can say. FOR NOW DUN DUN DUNNNNN.

Technology. My new Kindle (which, sadly, is being held hostage in the office here until Wednesday night, as the office is closed for the holiday, sigh) is just the first step in WORLD DOMINATION VIA TECHNOLOGY IN 2013. Next week, I’m getting a new phone, as the current phone is misbehaving quite spectacularly. The best part of the new-phone plan is that the carrier I’m getting works at my parents’ house, so when I visit my parents, I will finally have internet and phone service. VERY exciting. I am also planning on getting Netflix and that fancy box where I can watch Netflix on my television. I plan on entering the 21st century with a bang this year. It’s going to be very exciting. Well, for me. I have no idea if it’s going to be exciting for you or not, as I’m already online a lot and you’re not going to see MORE of me, or anything. I mean, come on, if you saw more of me, probably I’d live in the internet, and I’d imagine shrinking me down little so I could do that would be painful.

I'm going to enter the FEW-CHER. It's gonna be AWESOME, yo.

I’m going to enter the FEW-CHER. It’s gonna be AWESOME, yo.

Be more adventurous. This one’s kind of nebulous. I want to try and do new things this year. I always love it when I try new things, I always have a good time doing them, and I think if you stop doing new things, and trying new things, you start getting old. And your heart dies. WELL! I certainly don’t want that to happen. So as new opportunities arise this year, I’m going to say yes to them. And see where that takes me, dammit. Maybe sometimes they’ll be mistakes, but at least I’ll have tried them, you know? You never know what will be wonderful unless you are willing to make some mistakes.

And…along that vein…

Don’t be afraid to say no. I need to have a little more time to myself this year. I’ve been running myself ragged for a couple of years now and my cracks are starting to show. (EW NO NOT A EUPHEMISM.) I have to stop saying yes to everything; I have to start only saying yes to things that are amazing and be brave enough to say no to things that will not make my life a more awesome place and will just exhaust me and stretch me thinner than I already am. Guilt does not lead to a good time for anyone.

Don’t take things for granted. I don’t ever want to take for granted the wonderful things in my life. The people I love that love me back and support me every day; the wonderful things and opportunities I have and have been given. I want to remember to be consciously thankful for them all the time – especially my beloved friends and family, who I am so, so thankful for. I want them to always know how much I love them. Always. Every single day.

All the love. Every last smidgen.

All the love. Every last smidgen.

Nephew. 2o13 is going to be the year of The Nephew. I’ve missed the last 3.5 years of him growing up; if I’m making any sort of resolution, it’s to resolve to spend as much time with him this year (and going forward) as I possibly can. And in a “starting-the-year-off-right” way, guess what I’m doing today? Yup. Spending some time with the kiddo. His mom emailed me yesterday and asked when they could see me. I was so excited I bounced right in my chair. I think we’re going to the movies together today. I haven’t seen my little guy in five months, and I can’t – absolutely can’t – think of a better way to spend the first day of a new year than with my favorite person in the world. I’m just all butterflies thinking about it right now. Best first day of the year ever.

Worry less. I worry. A lot. About everything. To the point it’s kind of almost crippling. I don’t know exactly how one goes about cutting that down, or even out, but I’m going to attempt to do so in 2013. Even a tiny bit less would be an improvement, sincerely. It might be a process. This worrying thing’s been happening my whole life; it’s not going to stop happening overnight.

Read more. I need to chisel out little chunks of time each day for reading. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this, or where the time’s going to come from, but I’m going to do it. I have to get back to reading regularly. I miss it like a long-lost friend and there are so many amazing books I’m missing out on and I want to start book-blogging again and and and AND. I will start reading again this year, dammit. Regularly. Soon.

Aw, I also want to read with this puppy. PUPPY!

Aw, I also want to read with this puppy. PUPPY!

Change up the blog a little. The blog has been fairly the same since I started; it needs…I don’t know, something. Some plans are in the works for some changes to the look over here. I’m excited about a pretty new look over here. Something a little less what-everyone-else-has and a little more – well, me, I guess. Looking forward to this a great deal.

Relax more. I need a little more loungey-loungey time this year. Not writing; not effing around on the internet. Just RELAXING. Maybe with a book, maybe with friends, maybe just taking a walk, I don’t even know. But I need a little more time to BREATHE, you know?

Get more sleep. I’ve gotten much better about this in the past 6 months or so – I’ve gone from getting 4 to 5 hours sleep to getting a solid 6-8 hours every night, and it’s been really one of the best things in the world. I need to do this consistently, because those 8-hour nights are AMAZING. I wake up the next morning feeling like I could kick about fifteen people’s asses and not even break a sweat. And also solve mathematical equations. And possibly world hunger. In order to do this, I need to – GASP GASP – get off the damn internet in a timely fashion every night, get in my cuddly pjs, and conk the hell out. End of story.

Maybe like this. Except minus the sleep mask. I can't sleep with something on my face.

Maybe like this. Except minus the sleep mask. I can’t sleep with something on my face.

Be less ragey. I come from a loooooong line of ragemonsters. Much like The Hulk, no one likes me when I’m angry. I need to take some deep breaths in 2013. I need to take steps back. I need to react less and think more. I need to breaaaaaathe. In with the blue and out with the red. It’s not healthy for anyone else and it’s sure as hell not healthy for me.

Love myself more (NOT A EUPHEMISM). (No, seriously. NOT AT ALL A EUPHEMISM.) I need to stop beating myself up. I need to surround myself with positive people who love me (this also means people who love me enough to call me out on my bullshit; love isn’t all flowers and hearts and sunshine, it’s sometimes tears, but there’s always the love, that’s why it’s the best thing in the world.) I need to stop doing things that hurt myself; I need to do positive things that will build me up, not negative things that knock me down. I need to forgive and I need to move on and I need to laugh more and cry less (well, sad-cry, anyway, more happy-cries are A-OK with me.) And that forgiving? I need to forgive MYSELF. It’s funny how I’m harder on myself than anyone else I know. And that shit’s gotta stop, because listen, I’m pretty damn awesome. I wouldn’t put up with anyone else treating me like this, so why do I put up with it from myself? No. No, no, no. Be kinder to myself this year. I’m a resolution that’s worth sticking to, dammit.

Happy 2013, my most wonderful readers and friends and loved ones and…who else is reading this? MY MORTAL ENEMIES? Well, even happy 2013 to you, my most mortal of mortal enemies, I guess, if you’ve read all the way to the end of this. That shows SPIRIT. I approve.

I hope you all make your new years as amazing as you deserve; I hope your new years treat you well, and you kick ass and you take names. I hope you take this shiny new opportunity and you don’t waste a single minute of it. It’s a brand new year. It’s yours to do what you want with.

Don’t waste that. Go out and you just CONQUER the new year. You can do this. I have every faith in the world in you. Just be true to yourselves; it’s the only way you’ll make it through.

Love to you all. I wish you so much of all the best that my whole face aches with it.


The new year: full of things that have never been

Happy New Year, Lucites/minions and minionettes/all the party people in the house!

How was your New Year? Excellent? I hope so. I hope there was glitter and magic and bubbly beverages, or, you know, whatever you do to celebrate the New Year. Me, I worked for eight hours, answering phone calls for the greater Capital Region (most of which were people planning their free cab rides home for later in the evening – one of our clients runs a free cab service on the holidays for people who have been overserved, so we were getting, on average, a call every minute from people trying to plan their debauchery ahead of time, since the rides were only from 10pm to 2am, and some of the people were already on their way to overservitude, like, at 10am), then came home to my lovingly chilled bottle (and…a half…ahem) of magic no-hangover wine and the interwebs, which is really how it should be on New Year’s Eve. Well, maybe not for YOU. For ME. I’m not a fan of going out on New Year’s Eve. There are all those people! Who are all loud, and drunk, and touchy! And then there’s all this pressure to come into bodily contact once the ball drops! Who needs that, I ask you? Well, most of the world, I suppose, needs that. I don’t need that.

One New Year’s Eve, many moons ago, a friend came to visit me from far away, and we made big plans to go out. I bought a fancy-schmancy dress. It was sparkly. And heels. I don’t wear heels, because I’m a tall lady, to begin with, so it’s like I was born not needing to wear heels, you know? But it was New Year’s Eve, and I wanted to be FANCY. And on my way to the car (when we hadn’t even started drinking yet, by the way – on my WAY to the car, BEFORE the bar) I fell flat on my face in the parking lot because of the effing heels. Which weren’t even that tall. And sprained my ankle like a son of a bitch. But we still went out, because I had a sparkly dress and I was planning on getting drunk and that’s a painkiller, right? But it started to hurt, badly, and then started to swell, and the heels had ankle straps which started to cut into my ankle like little guillotines of evil, and well, HAPPY EFFING NEW YEAR, I could barely function. So, yeah, it’s a lot safer for me to stay in the house. Also, to wear flats. Or no shoes at all, like a hillbilly, which I can do if I’m in my own house, hence the staying home.

Hey! Do you know what’s awkward? The end-of-year coverage on television. The newscaster is always some third-stringer guy they bring in, probably a cameraman or something so the rest of them can go out to some fancy party, and he’s not very comfortable up in front of everyone, and last night on my local news station they kept cutting between him and Times Square, and in Times Square, there was ANOTHER awkward reporter, and also the Green Goblin from the Spider-man musical, and although I totally had been drinking? It felt like maybe it was one of those old-time movies where they show you the horrors of drinking, like “this is what will HAPPEN if you drink the DEMON ALCOHOL you will see AWKWARD REPORTERS and a man dressed in GREEN LATEX and FACEPAINT and he will CACKLE and ALSO SING, HAPPY NEW YEAR you LUSH” but it was really real. And embarrassing, for everyone involved.

Then the ball dropped, and all the people were doing all the kissing, while wearing huge Nivea-sponsored New Year’s hats (…I don’t know, either, unless someone paid me major coinage I’m not sponsoring a lip-gloss company while making out on national television) and then my man Sinatra’s “New York, New York” came on, and that was nice, then that super-sad ukelele version of “Over the Rainbow” came on (why is that all of a sudden a New Year’s thing? That does nothing but remind people of dead Dr. Greene on ER, that’s not celebratory, is it?) OH. And earlier in the night? That miniscule and odd Cee Lo Green who has the weirdest little stubby arms like sad little penguin-wings sang “Imagine”? And it was the WORST THING EVER you guys. Seriously. John Lennon was like the most peaceful human beings alive and he would have been all “WHAT THE HELL CEE LO GREEN MAKE THIS STOP RIGHT NOW OR I WILL PULL OFF ONE OF YOUR MINI-ARMS AND BEAT YOU BODILY WITH IT.”

Anyway! So that was my New Year’s Eve. I drank a lot of magic no-hangover wine, and it really was magic, because I am not hungover today at all, even though I really did have more than one bottle. I mean, you couldn’t just LEAVE like a quarter-bottle of the stuff for another day. You really had to finish it. It was like a rule, right? Right. And I tweeted all the people. And I told kickass @debihen she lived in Texas when she didn’t, which was just confusing, but to be fair, since like, a ton of my other awesome Twitter people live in Texas, I think kind of my default when someone is awesome is, “Oh, they must be from Texas.” But yeah, no hangover, I’m good. And I slept like a champ, too. I know, you kind of hate me right now. I’m cool with that.

So let’s talk resolutions! That’s what people do on New Year’s, right? Resolve things?

I don’t know what the hell to resolve.

So I went to Google, as you do, to see what OTHER people are resolving. I mean, other people are totally helpful, I think I need some help, here.

Drink less alcohol. Hmm. Really? People resolve to do this? I guess, if you have a problem with it, or something. I actually was thinking in 2012 I should drink MORE alcohol. Because I really enjoy it? And I was wanting to try some other TYPES of alcohol. I’m not really down with this one.
Resolved: To drink as much alcohol as I want to in 2012 because I am a grown-ass woman. Also, there was whipped-cream-flavored vodka at the liquor store the other day. How can I NOT try that?

Eat healthier food. Yeah, I should totally do this, but I don’t like how it tastes. If we were meant to eat healthier food, wouldn’t it all taste like chocolate cake?
Resolved: To find healthier food that tastes like chocolate cake in 2012.

Get a better education. Nope, I’m cool, I’ve got a lot of this. More than I need. I’m still paying for the education I’ve got, actually. Sorry, resolution.
Resolved: To keep paying for the education I’m not using because I made some ill-planned choices in my youth, possibly due to alcohol consumption, in 2012.

Get a better job. Yeah, I should do this. But it’s a lot of work, and I’m really lazy. Also, usually you have to dress up for job interviews, and I don’t like pantyhose.
Resolved: Find a job that doesn’t require I wear nice clothes or pantyhose for the job interview in 2012. Or leave the house. Or interact with people. Or do any work. Just sends me a check, really, for being awesome.

Get fit/lose weight. Yeah, again, I should do this. But how will I blog and work out at the same time? There’s just not enough time in the world. This is a problem.
Resolved: Find a way to blog and work out at the same time. Possibly hire someone to work out for me while I blog. Win-win. Stimulate the economy while not having to sweat and still getting to write.

Manage debt/save money. Way to be a buzzkill, New Year’s resolutions. You can’t really “manage” something when you owe enough money to your student loan people to buy a private island where you could, technically, HIDE from your student loan people, possibly behind a palm tree. Also, you can’t save something you don’t have in the first place. Stupid rubbing-in of poverty.
Resolved: Suck it, debt. Suck it twice, savings.

Manage stress. This is vague. I think this should give directions, not just “manage stress.” HOW DO I DO THIS RESOLUTION. Now I’m stressed.
Resolved: Find a way to manage stress that isn’t screaming oneself hoarse in rush hour traffic, punching or kicking inanimate objects, eating all the things, or calling everyone you meet a douchecanoe.

Reduce, reuse, and recycle. Um. This is a popular New Year’s resolution? It’s called “being poor.” I’ve been doing the reduce and reuse part since 1992. Recycle – yeah, I should probably be better about that. Al Gore is probably going to come to my house one of these days and punch me right in the neck.
Resolved: Get one of those burglar-chain-thingys so Al Gore can’t just get in here and punch me right in the neck.

Take a trip. ZOMG I GOT THIS ONE. This year, I am taking TWO trips. In late spring, I am going to Florida, to see the ocean, some kookaburras, a whole bunch of flea markets, probably a lot of old people with blue hair and walkers with tennis balls on the feet, and drink a shit-ton of half-price margaritas; and in early-to-mid summer, I’m going to Maryland, to see R. & A. & Baby Girl Awesomesauce, and also A. has promised to show me the seedier neighborhoods from The Wire, and R. says there’s an Edgar Allan Poe museum. I WIN AT THIS ONE.
Resolved: To rock the hell out of my two trips I’m taking this year and take a ton of photos of me being inappropriate at various out-of-state venues to share with all of you on here because why else go?

Volunteer to help others. DUDE. I do this ALL THE TIME. I help people at the theater, because listen, I don’t get paid for that. I help people by letting them go ahead of me in lines in the store when I have all the things and they have very few things. I help people by saying, “Hey, lady, you dropped something out of your laundry basket on the floor there.” I help people by holding doors. I help people by giving totally helpful advice, like at work yesterday, this guy who seems very nice and also has an intriguing arm-tattoo said, “So there’s this girl and she says we’re just friends and she treats me like shit and she uses me all the time for like money and a place to crash and sleeps in my bed but no touching, so she really loves me, right?” and I was all, “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH NICE MEN, WHY DO YOU LET WOMEN LIKE THIS USE YOU, GET RID OF HER NOW, SLAPPY.” That was totally helpful! I mean, he looked scared, but mostly that’s because I’ve never spoken to him before. Come to think of it, I don’t think it was fear, probably awe? Awe at my amazing advice. I help people who call us at the answering service by saying “Yes I will have the doctor call you back immediately, running out of birth control when you want to have all the sex IS a totally serious emergency, yes ma’am” and not even laughing at them until I get OFF the phone. I AM THE MOST HELPFUL YOU GUYS.
Resolved: To CONTINUE to be the most helpful, because listen, pay it forward, that kid who saw dead people said I had to, I think. I mean, I didn’t see the movie or anything but I think that’s what the commercials for it implied was going on there.

These were not really the best resolutions. Google! I am not pleased. This only proves that America is not very creative with their resolutions.

Resolved in 2012, the Amy version:

  • Get a bigger SD card for my phone because the stupid thing keeps running out of memory and I totally had to erase Google Plus from it the other day in order to continue texting and maybe someday I’d want to use Google Plus again, how do I know what future-me will want to do?
  • Get another cat at some point. Oh, also maybe some fish. And also a terrarium because you have always wanted frogs. But don’t get any hamsters or mice because remember what happened when you had those once? They totally escaped and ate through the back of your couch.
  • Read more books that are awesome and less books that are garbage. If a book is not good, please stop being afraid to put it down in case it “gets better.” Odds are slim it will get better. You never seem to learn that lesson. Let 2012 be the year you do.
  • At some point, get a haircut. It’s been like a year, it’s gotten embarrassing. You look like a hippie.
  • GET A NEW COMPUTER. No, seriously. Save up your money and buy the damn thing. I’m not backing down on this one, Me.
  • A couple of things that are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS NOSY PARKER.
  • Write ALL THE THINGS.
  • Laugh more, cry less, and be happy more than you are sad.
  • Repeat that last one every single day, 366 times, until it’s a year from now.

Happy New Year to each and every one of you. I love all of your faces. YES EVEN YOU PERVY PETE. Today, you’re all smooshable.

(Title’s from Ranier Maria Rilke. You could do worse than to start the new year with a little poetry.)


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