Category Archives: Reality television

Possibly the biggest problem is that I don’t have enough reality in me for reality television.

I’ve been (as you can obviously tell) watching a lot of television lately. That’s what you do when you’re job-searching. You job-search, and also you watch television. Sometimes you get off the couch, but not as often as you’d think. Like, today, I had a whole PLAN to get off the couch, and do laundry, but it is POURING. So now I’m waiting for that to stop. I might still get off the couch. Or I might not. It is up to YOU, weather. UP TO YOU. (I can hear you. AMY! It isn’t RAINING today! Well, I’m writing this in ADVANCE. I can assure you it’s raining as I write this. And has been. Since I woke up this morning. ALL THE RAIN. Not that I’m complaining. We need this rain. It’s been so dry!)

Rain! So pretty! So needed!

So I watch a lot of things, and a lot of those things are reality shows. Not ALL the reality shows. Some of them annoy me so I won’t watch them. And most of the reality shows I’m watching are OLD. Because I’m catching up on old programming in order to be caught up for this season. Mostly, what I have realized from the reality shows that I watch is that I AM VERY UNTALENTED. And: I WOULD BE TERRIBLE ON ALL OF THESE SHOWS. So mostly they just give me a loser inferiority complex.

Soy un perdedor.

Let’s look at some reality shows I watch and see why I’d fail at them, miserably. (ALSO, for those of you who don’t know what these shows are about because you don’t watch television or live in another country, I will let you know what they’re about. I’m a giver. I totally am.)

The Amazing Race

(Synopsis: teams of two travel around the world racing to “finish lines” in different countries. Whatever team gets to the final finish line first wins a million dollars. Whatever team comes in last in each leg gets kicked off. Sometimes people have meltdowns, lose their passports, or have to do wacky tasks like shave their heads.)

I’m totally caught up on this one. Because I love it so. Also, my mom and sj both love it, so I get to discuss it with them on a weekly basis, and I love that.

And also? I love Phil. LOVE PHIL. How can you not? Check out this photo. PHIL IS THE BEST. If you don’t think so, you’re a kook.

I would fail on The Amazing Race for a MILLION reasons. I’m completely unathletic; I can’t drive a stick shift (well, I haven’t driven a stick shift in about ten years, anyway – I suppose I could pick it back up, if I needed to? Maybe? I was never very good at it to begin with – there was a LOT of gear-grinding and rolling-backward-on-hills for this girl); I can’t swim; I don’t like being filthy; I don’t like eating weird foreign foods in large quantities (I like a lot of the things they make you eat, like ALL THE SCHNITZEL! but there’s SO MUCH OF IT. Like a POUND of schnitzel. I couldn’t do that. Gack); I can’t think of anyone I’d want to ruin my friendship with SO COMPLETELY that I’d saddle myself to them for – how long do these things last, like two months or something? I mean, I have a lot of people I’d like to travel with…but no one I’d like to Amazing Race with. Because when we were done, I’d have annoyed them so thoroughly we wouldn’t be friends anymore. I’m quite sure of it. I love to WATCH The Amazing Race. Sure I do. Because I get to see all the foreign locales! I do NOT like when the contestants are RUDE in the foreign locales because that makes me sad. DO NOT BE UGLY AMERICANS, CONTESTANTS! That makes me hide my face behind my hands!

Odds I would win this program: .0001/100 (I suppose every other team might get food poisoning or Phil might start murdering people or something)

Top Chef

(Synopsis: a bunch of chefs compete in cooking-based competitions. The worst chef gets kicked off every week. The best chef wins money, immunity, or random things like cookware or cars every week. In the finale, three chefs compete against each other for a big prize. I think it’s probably $500,000 but it’s really just a guess. I don’t pay that much attention. I just like looking at the food. Nom. Oh, also, the contestants all have to live together in a house, which I would imagine would be a nightmare.)

I’m – I don’t know where I am in this one. I think I’m like a season behind or something. It’s not like it matters all that much, really. If you miss a season, it’s not like you won’t know what’s going on.

I also have a little bit of a lady-crush on Padma. Who wouldn’t? She’s lovely.

Again, I would not win this. Why? Well, it’s not like I CAN’T cook. I can! I’m actually not bad at it at all. I mean, I feed myself on a regular basis, and I don’t think I have scurvy or anything. I can follow a recipe like nobody’s business. The food even looks like it does in the photos when I’m done. And I can cobble together food from the crap in my pantry and it tastes delicious (even when it looks icky – you know, those days when you need to go grocery shopping, but you just don’t wanna? And you kind of put together a bunch of things that just shouldn’t go, and they’re SO GOOD? I’m good at that.) But put me in a competitive atmosphere where I have to come up with foods on the FLY and make the food PRETTY and I’m under the GUN and know things about food like what the flavor profile of a lychee is, or something? Oh, no, I’d fail that. And you know how they always have to do that blind taste test? I could NEVER pass that. I’d be the worst at that. I’d be all “that’s a bamboo shoot!” and it’d be pears or something. Terrible. Just terrible.

(The same goes for any reality cooking show, really – Hell’s Kitchen, Food Network Star, all of those. The time constraints and people yelling at me and other contestant’s mind-games would make me nervous and I’d have some sort of camera-friendly breakdown. It’d be very embarrassing but ratings would shoot through the ROOF.)

Although, listen, I TOTALLY have a crush on Gordon Ramsay. A HUGE crush. I like when he yells at people. Or calls their food “the dog’s dinner.” Ha!

Odds I would win this (or any cooking-related) program: .0002/100 (slightly better than The Amazing Race, because at least athletics aren’t included, but not much better; I mean, I wouldn’t kill you if you came over for dinner, but I’m not winning any Michelin stars, either)


(Synopsis: a bunch of people have to “survive” on a desert island and also play mind-games and do stupid tasks like stand on a small piece of wood in the ocean for as long as they can and every week someone gets voted out and whoever “survives” the longest wins a million dollars but it’s less about “surviving” and more about “lying to people and pretending to be their friends so they vote for you at tribal council.” Also Jeff Probst is the host, and my dad thinks he should be Guantanamoed.)


I don’t watch this anymore, but I used to. Dad still does. Even though he HATES Jeff Probst. Hates hates HATES. I’ll ask him about Survivor and he’ll be all “PROBST!” in a fist-shakey voice.

I could never win Survivor. Again, not athletic. Can’t play the needed mind-games. Hate camping. Look terrible in beachwear. Can’t swim. My fire would be snuffed almost immediately. It would be embarrassing.

Odds I would win this program: .00001/100 (remember one year that guy fell in the fire? I guess there’s a slight chance ALL the other contestants might fall in the fire, therefore rendering me the winner by default)

Because I’m a psychopath, I laughed when that guy fell in the fire. I know. I KNOW.

Project Runway

(Synopsis: a bunch of beginning designers compete against each other in design challenges like “make clothing out of candy” or “design an outfit for a mother and daughter team” and the worst one goes home every week and the best one gets money or immunity or a car or a photo shoot. The final three – sometimes four – go on to fashion week and then the winner gets money and a car and all kinds of goodies to start their own line. Also there’s lots of drama and Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum and I like her because she is beautiful and has a kicky accent.)

Make it work!

Again, I’m all behind on this show. I’m watching the current season and also watching the All-Stars season even though I know who won it (because I love the winner and want to see him take home the win.) I kind of love this show. Like, a lot. I love to see the creative process. But, as for me COMPETING on this show? Ha. Ha ha HA. I couldn’t design clothing if you paid me a kajillion dollars. I don’t know what looks good and what doesn’t. When they have the runway competition at the end of every episode? I always pick what I think is prettiest, and invariably it’s one of the lowest-ranked designs. I’m just in awe that they made CLOTHING. That people can WEAR. In a DAY. That is just the coolest thing! Clothing! The drama kind of drives me insane, though. I like when someone’s awesome, though. Remember the time Santino used his Tim Gunn voice and was all, “What happened to Andre?” and then made up a whole scenario about how Tim and Andre were dating and having squabbles at the Red Lobster? I laughed so hard I ached and had tears. BEST BEST BEST.

Odds I would win this program: 0. There aren’t even odds. I couldn’t even compete. I can’t sew. I don’t know how to use a sewing machine and my handsewing skills are nonexistent. I can’t even mend things correctly. No, thanks, show, I’ll just be an ardent viewer. What happened to Andre? I’m so embarrassed about how you acted in front of my friends at the Red Lobster, Andre.

Work of Art

(Same as Project Runway, except replace “design challenges” with “fine art challenges.” And they have shows in galleries, not a runway. I think I might be the only person watching this show.)

This was Miles from Season One. I think everyone was supposed to hate him? Because he was kind of a drama queen? I LOVED HIM SO EFFING MUCH, YO.

I really like this show. Is this coming back this season? Watching people create art makes me smile and makes me excited and I love art the most. But YET AGAIN, I couldn’t compete. (However, if there’s anything I’ve learned from this show, it’s that artists are a., batshit crazy, and b., as emotional as all hell. They cry. A LOT. And there’s a lot of yelling and stomping. Sometimes throwing.) I took some art classes in high school and I was beyond mediocre as an artist. I just don’t have that kind of eye. I would get one of these challenges where they’d be like, “here are parts of a couch MAKE SOME ART!” and I’d be like, “um…I don’t…I’m going to the bathroom to weep now, sorry” and I’d never come back.

Odds I would win this program: .00001/100 (again, the other contestants might all die in industrial die-punch accidents or something, what do I know.)

American Idol

(Synopsis: a bunch of people sing a lot and the “best” one wins a recording contract but it’s never really the best one, it’s the one that MERKA votes for, and MERKA always makes the worst mistakes. Screw that, Merka. I’m not watching this anymore. I’m taking my ball and I’m going home.)

I stopped watching before this new judge nonsense happened. I jumped ship a LONG time ago.

I don’t watch this anymore because the wrong person won one season and ever since I’ve been crankity. I also don’t watch any of the other singing shows, like The Voice, or whatever the hell else is on that’s all singy. Don’t care. Could I win? Excuse me while I laugh myself into a hernia. I can’t sing. Not at all. I think I’m tone-deaf. I can’t carry a tune to save my life. I know when one of these people on one of these songs hits a bad note, but not when I do. I can’t hear myself correctly. So probably I’m broken. Also I have one setting – ultra-loud – and those judges would say rude weird things to me like “You pitchy, dawg.”

Odds I would win this program: .000000000001/100 (the other contestants might all die, but I’m fairly sure if they heard me sing once, they’d truck in a whole new set of alternates. I’m that bad.)

Wife Swap

(Synopsis: A wife leaves her family and swaps with ANOTHER wife in ANOTHER city and they live each other’s lives for a week. And it’s all drama-filled. No, they don’t have sex with the other husband, come on, it’s on primetime. It’s not on CINEMAX. Many life-lessons are learned. MANY MANY.)

Things like this happen on Wife Swap. Don’t ask me what’s happening here, I didn’t see this episode either.

I’ve only watched this about 5 times but my old roommate used to laugh at me because this show is like my crack. It’d come on and I could NOT turn it off. It sucked me into a bad-television-show BLACK HOLE when it came on. She’d leave the room and come back and be like, “AMY! You HATE this! WHY IS IT STILL ON?” and I’d be like “I DON’T KNOW! IT HAS SUCKED MY ABILITY TO STOP WATCHING IT!”

I obviously couldn’t compete on Wife Swap. I do not have a wife, nor am I a wife. Nor am I something weird, like a beauty pageant mom, or an inbred redneck, or a gun nut, or a health-food freak. You have to be some breed of fanatic to be a contestant (or participant? Whatever they are) on Wife Swap. There’s never a NORMAL family. Because what kind of swap would that be? Boring. No one would watch that shit. Wife Swap producers like to swap a devil worshiper family with a ultra-Christian family, or something. DRAMA ZOMG!

Odds I would win this program: well, if I was a wife, I would totally win it, because obviously I would be the BEST wife, but as-is, 0, because what would the wife swap WITH? Dumbcat? She’d come here for a week and tend to Dumbcat? Hee, best swap ever.

Undercover Boss

(Synopsis: the boss of a big company, like Hooters or NASCAR or something, dresses up in DISGUISE and pretends to be a new hire to the company. Then he or she asks a billion questions and the employees for some reason tell the new employee all these personal sob-stories and then the boss REVEALS who he is and then gives the good employees money and vacations and raises and cars and the naughty ones get beheaded. Sorry. Fired. They get fired.)

This just made me laugh so hard I choked a little.

Again, I’ve only seen this about 4 times. My dad LURVES this show. He watches it every time. Except for some reason not when it was the NASCAR episode because he’s having some sort of feud with the NASCAR people? Not the DRIVERS, he wants to make it VERY CLEAR that it is NOT THE DRIVERS, but the owners did…um…something? One time? That he took offense to? So he didn’t watch that one. Anyway, he loves that show so much.

I obviously am not a boss, so couldn’t go undercover. And from watching the show, I think they wouldn’t use my footage. The footage they use is employees who tell their ENTIRE LIFE STORY to a new employee. It AMAZES me. Who does that? To a stranger? Tells them, “Yeah, my husband’s an alcoholic and my mother committed suicide in 2002 and my cat is diabetic” and then the boss gives you $20,000 and a vacation? Do they know the employee is really a SUPER SECRET BOSS? Because the undercover boss often acts really weird. I’d be suspicious if a new employee showed up and started asking a lot of personal questions about my life and cameras were following him or her around. Also, in one episode I watched, the boss was a lady wearing a wig and that wig was SO CROOKED. It was driving me LOONEY.

Odds I would win this show: .00000000001/100. I’d never tell a new employee personal things about my life. It’s none of their damn business.

So, as you can see, I could not win ANY reality show. Not any! However will I make my millions? This is very disheartening. Is there a petting-Dumbcat-reality show? Dumbcat says to tell you I’d win that. Aw, buddy. Thanks.

Run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey ruuuuuunn!

Listen, I have nada today. It has been the LAZIEST DAY ON RECORD. Oh, I’m not saying I didn’t DO anything. No! Not at all. Here is a list of things I did today. Bulleted! A bulleted list! Seriously, if I got any fancier with the design aspect you would probably just DIE.

  • Woke up, realized I hadn’t set back the clocks, and it was actually 8am, which was awesome and I’d had a full eight hours of sleep
  • Read the entire newspaper* (*let’s be frank, that means the sections that appeal, and threw away the garbage, no one likes the sports section, and by no one, I of course mean me)
  • Read a play a friend wrote, first, trepidaciously, because sometimes that goes very, very, wrong (once, a friend asked me to read something he’d written and wanted feedback and listen, I totally wanted to bone him, and it was AWFUL, but I REALLY wanted to bone him, so WHAT DO YOU DO. Do you lie, hoping that will be the straw that makes the camel have dirty, dirty sex with you? Are you honest because you can’t look yourself in the mirror if you’re not? Do you pretend you moved to another state and never return his calls and hope you don’t see him at the grocery store? WHAT DO YOU DOOOOO) but listen! IT WAS FANTASTIC. So apparently I’ve had a friend who’s like the next Terrence McNally and didn’t even know. How exciting is that? And even better, I got to write him an email gushing over how amazing it was and MEAN EVERY WORD OF IT. I mean, sincerely, you guys. That’s a check in the win column, right there.
  • Watched this week’s The Office, Revenge, and Grimm, all of which I missed due to either being out, general malaise with life, watching other programs, or a combination of the above. Also, and spoiler alert beep beep beeeeep for Revenge watchers, but again with the super-dark scenes, but did we find out my adorable Revenge boyfriend Nolan is bi this week and hooking up with that waste of space con-man character? REVENGE! I AM DISAPPOINT. Nolan can do better. Also, Grimm was even better this week. Loving Grimm. Very dark and eerie. Stamp of approval.
  • Started setup on my newest venture, which isn’t off the ground yet, but will be soon. I’ll talk more about it when it’s up and running, but any day now, you’re going to start seeing me shamelessly self-promoting something three of the coolest chicks on the world wide interwebs and I have concocted. It is AWESOME, you guys. AWESOME. Oh, ok, FINE. Here’s a teaser. More to come when it’s baked to ooey-gooey perfection.

  • Dealt with a very unsavory task I’ve been putting off for almost 24 hours in probably not the best way, but in the only way I could and still get to sleep at night. Sorry. That was a very Facebook-status-worthy bullet, right? Like those people that put up “Some people! I just want to CRY!” As their status and wait for the “Aw, honey, I’m so sorry, anything I can dooooo” in response. Stop it, you passive-aggressive twit. I know. Sorry. Just in case I’m totally the most popular girl in the wooorrllldd, that’s all I can say. Unsavory. Annoyance. Furious. Flames. On the side of my face. Heaving. Heaving breasts.

Things I have NOT done today: clean the bathroom (listen, I always put that shit off, because it is the ick) and anything mega-productive. So first, we blog. Then we daaaaaaance. Oh, wait, no, no we don’t. We don’t dance. We don’t do that, not at all.

The week ahead: auditions! Seeing a play! House managing for another play! Totally filled with excitement!

But listen, so this isn’t a total washout and you’re all, UGH, I do not CARE what the hell was done chez Lucy’s Football today, where’s the super-intelligent CONTENT, well, first I say to you, are you sure you’re reading the right blog? Because I don’t know about super-intelligent content. But, more on topic, let’s talk about something near and dear to my heart, hmm?


No, no, not REAL cheaters. Although there were! There totally were lots! But the SHOW Cheaters. I was thinking about this the other day, because I’ve been watching this season of The Amazing Race, and it’s just about the most boring thing you can ever imagine in the history of the world this season. And I don’t know if it’s just run its course, or I don’t have the attention span, or what the hell, but I don’t care about it. And I was thinking, what could make this better? What could liven this up? And I thought, hey, I KNOW. If Phil was stabbed like the Cheaters host, that would make this SO EXCITING. (Sorry, Phil. Love you, Phil.)

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

What, the classy among you ask, is Cheaters? (The non-classy among you, and we know you by the Cheetos stains on your fingertips, are nodding and smiling, because YOU KNOW. You know ALL ABOUT CHEATERS.)

Cheaters is a show that’s been on since 2000. The setup is thus: a “client” comes on for an interview. The client is usually…um…not from the higher echelon of society. Like, there are a lot of weaves, and sparkles, and tops that look flammable and aren’t leaving much to the imagination, and what look like homemade prison tattoos, and clothes with inexplicable stains on them. And the “client” tells a story like “My boyfriend! He don’t come home at night no more! He always be lying about where he be! And I found lipstick on his penis! Help me Cheaters! Do you think he be cheating?” OK, this isn’t really what’s said but it’s kind of what’s said if you look deeper into what’s said.

Then the host and some of his cameramen skulk in the bushes around the Ruby Tuesday’s and videotape the cheater cheating, and then when he brings his new skankho home, and they’re having all the sex, the host busts into the room and is all YOU ARE SO BUSTED HERE IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND. And the girlfriend comes in and there are a lot of things thrown like cellphones and shoes and the skankho and the girlfriend pull each other’s wigs off and the host stands to one side grinning like a moronic Cheshire Cat. It is SO AWESOME AND TRASHY.

When I first moved to town, my roommate and I used to make sure that, no matter where we were or what we were doing, we’d be home by 1am on Sunday morning so we could watch Cheaters. It was our weekend ritual. Because it made us laugh like nothing else in the world. You’d go out, do some drinking or whatever, then come home and watch the host pop out of a dumpster or from under a car all BUSTED YOU DIRTY CHEATER and your life seemed ok for a while.

Usually, things go like this (caution, lots of barely-bleeped cussing):


The first host was Tommy Grand. He looked like a down-on-his luck gangsta:

He was replaced a couple of years into it. I don’t know why. I assume it’s because his real name was Tommy Habeeb and it was post-9/11.

The current host (I honestly had no idea this was still on, I haven’t seen it in years, but need to track it down and watch it again) is Joey Greco. He’s totally a sleazeball who is trying to be serious but is failing. Here’s a photo:

In this photo, he is, I assume, popping in on a CHEATER. BAM.

In 2003, there was an episode where Joey Greco confronted a cheater on a boat. And…well, ok, just watch. (Caution – there’s cussing. Some bleeped, some not. And a LOT of bad acting. And a boat.) Because this is what more reality shows need to liven up their programming so I don’t zone out and start throwing things at the cats to make them entertain me.

The best things about this video:

  • The skankho kind of looks like a receptionist, and she just stands there, kind of confused
  • Joey Greco’s pained face of pain as he’s taken away and his life blood was ebbing…ebbing…
  • The girlfriend shouting “you’re not coming HOME now! You’re not coming HOME now!”
  • How’d that guy get a boat? I can’t afford a boat.
  • Someone fell off the boat into the water. HA. That’s never not going to be funny.
  • “He’s bleeding. HE’S BLEEEEEEDING!”

I know you’re worried. JOEY GRECO PULLED THROUGH. Nothing to see here. He’s OK, people.

Now, listen. Apparently, there are a lot of allegations this was staged and never happened at all. And that a lot of the episodes were staged. And that makes me sad. If we can’t believe Cheaters, WHO CAN WE TRUST, AMERICA. I mean, COME ON. If this isn’t true THE TERRORISTS WIN.

So, if you’re ever not able to sleep and you can’t find an old episode of To Catch a Predator and your DVR is empty? Look for Cheaters. It is AWESOME and FULL OF SKANKINESS. Highly recommended when you’re in the mood for feeling superior to others.

Dennis Rodman is to "The Mole" as the honey badger is to LIFE.

Well! It’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day. As much as I’d like to say I could write an entire blog post about this very exciting holiday, I’m pretty sure even I can’t stretch that out into an entire blog post.

Sort of on-topic, but does anyone remember that horrendous pirate reality show from a few years ago that was attempting to capitalize on the Pirates of the Caribbean craze and it was the funniest and most horrible thing ever? It was so bad they didn’t even show the last few episodes and you had to search online to find out who won. Sorry. “Won.” Pirate Master. Yeah, it was the worst. I remember laughing myself to tears over this thing. The best part was, at the end of each episode, the contestant who was voted out was “cut adrift” and put on a raft in the ocean and then the camera would just watch them float off into the mist. I assume we were supposed to draw the conclusion that they died out there. Not everything makes a good reality show, TV execs.

Oh, and also? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE MOLE. That was my favorite show. Well, no, it totally wasn’t, but it was really awesome. First, there was Anderson Cooper, so I got to ogle him. Yes, yes, I know I don’t play for his team, it doesn’t mean I can’t stare longingly. And as an aside, I totally want to be BFFs with Anderson Cooper. I think he would know the best stories and you would have the best time with him. Also I think he would send you the wackiest texts. “Just woke up with a tarantula in my $4,000 alligator loafer while on assignment LOL” or “So don’t have the mental stamina to hang out with Kathy Griffin tonight, call me in an hour & I’ll pretend you’re having an ER and I have to jet? You’re the best, XXOO.”

(And, aside the second, is anyone else a little disturbed by the new Anderson Cooper talk show? I always saw him as classy, and haven’t seen the show or anything, but it sounds like it’s corny and annoying. This worries me. How will I look up to my silver fox if he’s getting mud facials with Kathy Griffin or whatever? Sincerely worrisome. I feel like his mom is tsking him every time it airs. She seems like she’d be totally classy, right?)

Oh, just in case you didn’t watch The Mole (and, based on ratings, the only household watching it was my own), the premise was there were like 12 people, and one of them was the mole, who was working with the producers, and trying to sabotage the others, and if you could guess who the mole was, you won, but if you didn’t, the mole won. It wasn’t rocket science.

The part I liked best about The Mole was that there were all of these clues all through the season pointing the viewer toward whichever player was the mole, but they were so insanely obscure there was no way anyone could ever get them. Like, one year, they went into a storehouse full of burlap bags, and if you looked at the first letter of every word on every bag in the storehouse, it spelled out the name of the mole. Yeah, no one at home’s doing that. That takes a level of commitment no one really has. Also, they didn’t tell us, as home viewers, this clue-dropping was occurring. So in the final episode, when they started showing all of these very random clues, the conversation my roommate and I had went thusly:

Me: Did they even show all of those burlap bags?

Her: Even if they did, it would only have been for a minute. And we didn’t even know we were supposed to be looking for clues.

Me: There’s not enough Anderson Cooper in the world to make me ok with this clue fiasco.

Then, after the Anderson Cooper seasons, they had a couple seasons of Celebrity Mole, which was even MORE awesome, if you can imagine it, because you didn’t have to waste time getting to know people. You already knew who they were! And who they were was the bottom of the barrel of celebrities. Like, the people who would eventually turn up on Celebrity Rehab. The sad chubby Baldwin. Dennis Rodman. Those type of celebrities.

Dennis Rodman’s season was the best because DENNIS RODMAN DID NOT CARE. And, spoiler alert, HE STILL WON THE WHOLE THING. I think he was drunk or high the whole time, and he was hysterical to watch because they’d be doing a task and he’d just half-ass the task. So of course, everyone thought he was the mole, because of the sabotaging. But it wasn’t sabotaging. Much like the honey badger, Dennis Rodman didn’t care. Sometimes he’d sit out the task, sometimes he’d throw things, sometimes he’d wander off and talk to strangers. It was like playing a game with a toddler. AND IT WAS AWESOME.

How he stayed in the game as long as he did was a mystery that I don’t even think Dennis Rodman understood, but eventually, it was down to three people, and Dennis Rodman correctly chose the mole from the other two teammates and won. No one was more surprised by this than Dennis Rodman. But you couldn’t tell, because he’s pretty inscrutable. He just kind of nodded and wandered off to call someone on his cell or something. The host tried to interview him about his “strategy” and went on and on about “how brilliant it was! To make everyone think you were the mole! By sabotaging the games!” and Dennis Rodman asked him what the hell he was talking about. Because he hadn’t been sabotaging anything. He didn’t want to play their stupid reindeer games, so he did something else until they were done.

This made for really watchable television. It wasn’t Dennis Rodman in his wild-man wearing a dress days, or anything, it was just hysterical because the other players were driving themselves insane, taking all these notes, comparing theories, the host was all fired up, and there was Dennis Rodman! Sunbathing on a bench! Watching the birds! Bored with the task, so chatting with a cameraman! I loved to think of the producers playing the blame game in the editing bay. “YOU thought it was a good idea to get Rodman.” “No, YOU said he was good TV, I said he had a drug problem now.” “WE CAN’T AIR THIS RODMAN WON’T PLAY THE SANDCASTLE GAME AND EVERYONE THINKS HE’S THE MOLE.”

I also miss the show Murder in Small Town X. Now, I’m pretty sure no one but me watched this. It was ten years ago, and it was not very good. But it was the funniest mélange of reality show and murder mystery you’ve ever seen. They brought a group of people to a small town in Maine, and they had them do a combination of a dinner theater murder mystery and a reality show. They were all investigators into a serial killing, and at the end of each episode, two of them were chosen to go out to obscure locations in the town and investigate clues. One of them found a good clue that they could bring back to the rest and share; the other was brutally “murdered” by the serial killer, and that part was scary because the murderer popped out from behind something in the dark and I never liked that part.

This was one of those summer reality shows that doesn’t have to be very good because it’s the summer, and they know no one is watching it anyway, so they don’t try very hard. But it actually was kind of entertaining. They took over this village and peopled it with role-playing actors in the serial killing drama and the contestants had to go around town and ask people questions. It was like dinner theater that never ends. So that’s kind of a nightmare. I hate murder mystery dinner theater. I was forced into one of these years ago and will never go to another one. It was on a cruise ship (well, I wasn’t ON a cruise. The ship was docked. You’re foolish if you think I can afford a cruise. If I had the money for a cruise I’d buy something that lasts, like a new computer or a puppy) so you couldn’t escape. And you had to ask the actors things. So I decided I would not, and would just eat and read the book I’d secreted away into my purse. But apparently the actors are trained to deal with people that won’t play along and they get all up in your face. Well, that’s off-putting. What are you bothering me for, actor? Go pester someone who wants to solve your stupid boat mystery. Also, they kept coming over and bothering me when I had a mouthful of food, like waiters always seem to. Well, I can’t ask you where you were at 10pm last night with a mouthful of dinner roll, Lady Covington, so back the frig off, ok?

The sad thing about this show was that the finale aired 9/4/01, and the winner, a NYC firefighter, died a week later in the Twin Towers. I know. Way to be a buzzkill. But he seemed very nice, and he only had a week to celebrate his winnings.

The ratings were insanely low for this show. Like I said, it wasn’t very good. The best actors were the reality contestants, and they weren’t acting, if that explains anything. But it was actually really a fun watch. It was like watching community theater people put on a reality show. I sort of loved it. And of course it was gone after one summer.

For someone who doesn’t really like reality shows I watch more of them than you’d think. I like the game shows, is the thing, like the competition ones? It’s the dating and lifestyle ones that make me tired. Oh, and I’ve never watched any of those Toddlers in Tiaras-type things. Mostly because I’m pretty sure I’d get sucked in. They look terrible and wonderful all at once.

This post has nothing to do with Talk Like a Pirate Day, like, at all, does it. I’m a total disappointment. Sorry. I kind of went off on a tangent and didn’t stop. It’s Monday WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME. Fine. Arr! Scurvy! Walk the plank, matey! Pieces of eight! Avast! Poop deck! (Hee hee!) Redrum! Shit, that’s not a pirate, that’s the kid from The Shining. Sorry. Chester Copperpot! (FINE I know that’s not a real pirate thing but there were pirates IN The Goonies and I love it so much that I had to throw it in so LEAVE ME ALONE.)

Can we have International Watch The Goonies Day? I’d be down with that, please. Who do I talk to about that? Anderson Cooper? Can you help me out with this?

I H8 to tell you but I watched H8R last night. It was about as good as you might expect.


This day has just about killed me but I have so much work to do I’m pretty sure my office would reanimate me and have my zombie corpse chained to my desk so I could do MORE work, is how bad it’s been. But shh, I’m sneaking in for a minute. 

So far, fall television has been a huge son, I am disappoint.

I’ve watched four new shows – one of which I KNEW would be awful but the shows I was PLANNING to watch in that time slot weren’t on because somehow I got my wires crossed, I don’t know, so I had time and it was on – and none of them were all that impressive. Remember how the other day I said that right before the fall season started, it was like Christmas Eve? Well, it’s early Christmas morning, and so far all I’ve unwrapped are some really boring educational DVDs and a hat that doesn’t fit correctly. Oh, and a bag of crazy. 

Ringer wasn’t the worst thing ever. It was fine. The special effects were horrendous, though. Who thought they were ok? Someone ok’d these? Really? Because I’m pretty sure Icould do better with the video camera in my cell phone. I would be embarrassed if I was the person who was presenting this to the public. Also, it’s very,very hard for me to imagine Sarah Michelle Gellar in peril, because it’s Buffy, you know? I’m just wondering why she isn’t kicking the bad guy’s asses and snarking at them. It’s disconcerting. Oh, also, Jason Dohring WASN’T EVEN IN THE FIRST EPISODE. Um, this is very worrisome, why would you do that to me, Ringer? It’s early yet, though, so I’ll give it another go. 

The NBC comedies Up All Night and Free Agents were…um…well, to be kind, they weren’t the worst things I’ve ever seen ever in the history of ever! That’s nice, right? Here’s my problem with them. First, Up All Night. Not that funny, first off. Will Arnett should only play his typical stupid/smart characters, because I don’t know if he can pull off anything else. Maya Rudolph was funny, but it’s just her Saturday Night Live Oprah character, so it seems like a rip-off. And the show’s kind of stupid. Free Agents – well, listen, I have always had a crush on Hank Azaria, and there are a lot of good actors crammed into this series, but it’s just not very good. It’s actually pretty stupid. I guess you could turn the sound off and just stare at Hank Azaria, but that seems like a waste of half an hour. So will I watch them again? Probably not. I don’t see them getting much better. 

Now for the bag of crazy. When I tell you the title, you’re going to say, well! OF COURSE IT WAS INSANE WHAT DID YOU EXPECT. I was curious, give me a break. H8R? I almost want to say that title in a small voice and run away from you, I’m so embarrassed Iwatched this thing. Ok, premise is, Mario Lopez pretends to interview everyday people for a reality show and part of the interview is “blast off about one celebrity you hate more than anything and BE DESCRIPTIVE.” (They don’t say that, I added that part, but it seems to be the subtext.) So on video, we have some schmo going on and on and on about how much they hate some celebrity like, oh, I don’t know, Snookie. Then Mario Lopez shows the video TO Snookie, who he is apparently close personal friends with. And then Snookie CONFRONTS the h8r (I think I might be contractually bound to spell it like that) in his or her natural habitat. The h8r is shaken when confronted by his or her asshattery, but continues to act like an asshat because it would totally look like he or she was losing face if he or she just backed down and said “Sorry, Snookie, I don’t know you at all and was just blasting, as you do, on a celebrity that seems annoying!” Then – THEN! – Snookie took the h8r grocery shopping (…I don’tknow either?) and they bonded a little, then she cooked dinner for his whole family, and at the end of the dinner, she said, “Are you still a h8r?” and he said “NO SNOOKIE I AM A LOVER” and she wooo-ed and all was well. 

The second segment was similar only stupider, because it was a girl with spotted hair (no, seriously, is this a thing? I will have to find you a graphic. She had white-blond hair with leopard-like spots running down one side of it.) 

Well, this isn’t a very good photo and also what’s with this chick’s emo eyeliner and such and I can’t find a better one so I guess the H8R was on the cutting edge of stupid. But it was like this, only the spots were BIGGER and only on one SIDE and VERY PRONOUNCED. And no one mentioned it? At all? In the whole episode? So that struck me as odd. 

So anyway, Spotty hated, hated, HAAAATED Jake Pavelka from The Bachelor. I don’t know anything about The Bachelor. I don’t watch it. I don’t care about dating shows. Well, except for Rock of Love. Now THAT was a dating show. Yowza. So awesomely filled with whoredom. Anyway. She went on for a while about how awful he was and then the worst part – “I heard he was probably GAY!” she said, in a shocked tone. Hmm. That WOULD be upsetting, because then he would have been MISREPRESENTING HIMSELF ON A DATING SHOW OMG. The only thing worse than that would be if he lied about the “journey” he was taking while on the show. Because isn’t that just the best? When they talk about being on a “journey?” It doesn’t at all make you want to vomit until you’re sore. 

So Mario gleefully showed Jake the footage and Jake got all sad and teary-eyed (honestly, he seemed like kind of a whine-ass, but he was pretty as all get-out) and then confronted Spotty at some spa she was at but first played a trick on her where he pretended to be hitting on her and being a douche and she was totally turned on by him but pretending not to be, so it wa sall of a sudden very sad. Because you could see WHY she hated Jake. Because he was every guy who’d ever turned Spotty down ever. And Spotty was actually quite pretty, if you did something about her horrendous hairstyle. Then Mario popped out of a potted plant or something and kind of strong-armed Spotty into going on a date with Jake which was kind of like one of the dates on The Bachelor, where they drove around aimlessly getting to know one another in an SUV and then went on a plane. And she was very cold but you could TELL she dug him but was just being a dick because she was getting revenge on whoever had hurt her in the past. And then –because Jake is a big old pretty weirdo – he took her to the Bachelor house, I guess to show off and be all, “Lookie what I can do, take you to a famous place because I am a very famous person!” and she was pissed (and this time, rightfully so, because it was so douchey of him.)  

OK, now THE BEST PART. He sat her down and started just spewing all over about his childhood, and how he never felt like his father loved him, and how this affected him throughout his life, and how her being a h8r really bothered him because of it, and she’s watching him all confused because HE IS TOTALLY CRYING, and then he says “I’ve never told anyone any of this before.” Really. REALLY? Then why are you telling a total stranger who just blasted you to the whole world and hates you so much? YOU ARE A WEIRD REALITY SHOW WEIRDO WITH AMAZING BONE STRUCTURE WHO IS TOTALLY SAD. She then just kind of wandered off and he realized that his daddy was never going to love him so he slammed some doors and then they separated and as she drove off she said, “I was a h8r before and I’m a H8R NOW!!!!” 


At the end, they showed the celebrities who were going to be on the rest of the season, and I recognized three of them. And there were about ten of them. The three I recognized were Kim Kardashian, Janice Dickinson, and Eva Longoria. Then they said their names and one of them was the asshole who does the Girls Gone Wild videos. Is there anyone who LIKES this guy? I bet even his MOTHER thinks he’s a exploitative douchecanoe. And there was one guy who looked like he was made of wax and he made me laugh until I almost pissed myself. He looked like Christian Bale but made of wax. SO SO SHINY. I wanted to confront him and discuss what was going on with that face, honestly. It is apparently Scott Disick. 

This photo isn’t so shiny – it must have been the H8R lighting or he’d just had some major botox something – but I chose it because it makes me laugh. Why is he posing in front of the ocean like this? Does he think he’s auditioning for Miami Vice? Fun!  (I have never watched a single episode of that Kardashian show but my father watches it. Here is a sample of him talking about it: “I hate that show. Those people are so stupid. The people that marry them are so stupid. Something’s wrong with Bruce Jenner’s face. I don’t like their butts but all the men say they have the best butts. Why are they famous. I hate that show.” “Um, Dad, if you hate it, why do you watch it?” “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Amy. EVERYONE watches that show.”) 

Here are my thoughts, Mario Lopez. First: it doesn’t exactly mean you are a h8r if you blast a celebrity on the internet. Sometimes it means you’re unintelligent and believe everything that’s in the tabloids; sometimes it just means you’re venting. Listen, I have a lot of celebrities I don’t like, for various reasons. Here’s a list: 

Tom Cruise: scary cult leader

Chris Klein: hates women

Miley Cyrus: seems unintelligent

Jay Leno: not funny and seems like kind of a cock

Roman Polanski: child molester

Chris Brown: beats women

Ginnifer Goodwin: seems unintelligent and chooses men incorrectly


I don’t really HATE them, though. Why? I don’t know them! I think in order to hate someone, you really have to know them. Do I like these people? No. Do I want to hang out with them? No, no I don’t (and actually, in Carrot Top’s case, OH MY GOD PLEASE GET AWAY FROM ME NO.) 

But if Mario Lopez showed up and said I needed to spend a day with one of these people you know what I’d say? NO THANK YOU MARIO LOPEZ. That’s just a recipe for disaster, really. The people who say yes are just reality show whores who want their moment of fame. They’re just as sad as the celebrities! It’s a sad shame spiral, really. A co-dependent shame spiral. 

So this season, so far, kind of a total letdown. Luckily, it’s still early. Tonight: The Secret Circle! Starring the girl who kind of annoyed me from Life Unexpected and Gale Harold, WHO WILL NEVER ANNOY ME. What will happen? One can only imagine.

I Guess "Take the Money and Drive Around Aimlessly" Didn’t Test Well

So last night I watched this new show Take the Money and Run. I know, I know. I’m not usually a fan of game shows. But it’s by the people who created The Amazing Race, and I LOVE The Amazing Race.  

Now, before we start talking about the insanity that is Take the Money and Run, let’s discuss The Amazing Race for a minute. First, we have the host. Phil Keoghan. Phil is adorable, and from New Zealand so he has a luscious accent, and he does that sexy skeptical eyebrow quirk thing that I adore. He is also polite, and does not treat the contestants like they are there to take money out of his pocket, Jeff Probst. (Jeff Probst lost the little respect I had for him the year on Survivor when they had him take the jar of final votes and pretend to travel through the jungle to bring them to the final vote tally in L.A., and he had a machete and chopped through the forest and it was night when he started and day when he got out, then he stood on the landing gear of the helicopter that was waiting for him and it took off as if it was going to carry him across the ocean on the landing gear – um, really, Survivor? How stupid do you think we are? I still sometimes mention in conversation “The time Probst chopped through the jungle all night” as an example of reality-show weirdness. Although the time Johnny Fairplay pretended his grandmother was dead was one of my favorite things EVER. “How’s Gramma?” “Dude, she died.” LOVE IT.) 

So, The Amazing Race. I love this show. I love most of the people. I love that they get to travel to amazing places and do fun tasks there. I love that I get to see these places, because I don’t have the money to travel, so it’s like a game show and a travel show all in one.  I love deciding which task I would pick if I were a contestant. (Easy: neither. I could never be a contestant. You have to run a lot and I am not good at that. Also sometimes they have to bungee jump. Nope. I’m out.) 

Things I do not like: contestants that fight too much and are obviously there just to stir up trouble and give the audience people to hate; people that complain about things not being “fair” like someone running faster than them to the mat or not giving them the answer to a task (IT IS A COMPETITION YOU DUMBASS); people who think speaking LOUDER ENGLISH to non-English speakers will make them understand you better (“LEFT! LEFT! Why isn’t he understanding me? God, I HATE Russia!”); couples who go on the show to get to know each other better (a reality show is NOT going to make you grow closer together – quite the opposite, actually, it usually makes you never want to see each other again); people who go on the show not knowing how to do a basic skill that you need to be able to do in order to play the game (swim or drive stick are the two biggest offenders here.) 

OK, so that was a tangent and a half. Take the Money and Run. Premise: a team of two people are given a briefcase with $100,000 in it. They have an hour to hide it somewhere in the city in which they live. After the hour is up, they are taken into “custody” by two police officers and two police interrogators, who attempt to find out where they hid the case. (The police officers have access to the GPS of the car they used and their cell phone records.) The police have 48 hours to find the case; if they don’t, the team gets to keep it. 

Questions I had going into this: 

Can the team just refuse to answer any of the questions? Apparently not. That was never explained, but it seems they couldn’t just sit there and plead the 5th, because the team on the premiere that I watched squawked like a couple of monkeys for the entire 48 hours. So apparently you have to answer whatever’s asked of you. You can lie, but you seem to have to answer. 

If the police can just follow the GPS, this seems a little too easy. Yes. That is a problem. However, you don’t have to use the car all that much. You can park and go on foot, which they did in places. 

Again, if the police have access to your cell phone, they seem to have the upper hand. Yep. Again, this all seems to be in the police’s favor. See, I would have just not USED the phone? But they used it in what they thought was a tricky way. 

Does the team know about the police using the GPS and cell phone records? Yes. 

What is the point of this show? Well, different people will have different theories on this. But my theories are: to show you that if you attempt a crime, YOU WILL GET CAUGHT NO MATTER HOW STUPID THE POLICE ARE. And YOU AREN’T A GOOD LIAR EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU ARE. At first, I thought it might be to show you how the police work a crime, which would be interesting. But I decided that probably it was to make you scared to COMMIT a crime because even bumblers like the cops and interrogators on this team could (spoiler alert) find and keep your briefcase. 

OK, so here’s what happened: 

The team got the briefcase. The team consisted of a super-hot jock type twenty-something and his chubby, out-of-shape losery brother who lived with their mom. And they lived in San Francisco. Which I visited once and it wasn’t as exciting as I’d always thought it would be, and it was SO COLD and I was underdressed for the occasion. But in places? There was poetry on the streets. Like, pavers with poetry written on it on the street. So I loved that. They got in the car and drove to where they wanted to drop it – a restaurant where no one knew the hot brother ate a lot. It was closed. So then they drove around kind of aimlessly calling a bunch of people and setting up false alibis like “if the cops call you tell them you saw me and my brother at 9:30 with the briefcase” and “can I hide a briefcase with you but not really ok cool” (this confused me and still does) and then ran out of options so they did a weird U-turn and buried it in a park under some bushes. This is where I decided the best possible outcome for this show would be for a homeless person to find the briefcase, because how awesome would it be if the police found the spot but IT WASN’T THERE and then the team went back all cocky and were all “Whaaa?” and then the cameras found a homeless guy strutting down the street in a fancy suit drinking Courvoisier and smoking a fancy Cuban cigar or something? Totally awesome, that’s how awesome. Anyway, they buried it, then went to a gas station and washed their hands really well so it didn’t look like they’d been digging in the dirt, then the hour was up so they got taken into fake custody by the cops. 

So the cops were the two investigators, who went around town checking out leads, like the people who were called on the cell phone and the different places along the GPS route, and the interrogators, who were a nice-seeming woman and a shady-seeming man who wore too many rings. This made me distrust him. I don’t know what it is, but if a man is wearing too many rings, I find him untrustworthy, like flashy-mobstery or something. Also his hair was too long and his face was a little rodenty. So they decided that the chubby brother was going to be the weak link and the hot brother was going to be hard to crack. 

Without going into too much detail, they grilled these two dummies for almost the entire time. The hot brother was a cocky son of a bitch. Like, he was that guy in Law and Order that you wanted to kick because you knew he was probably the serial rapist. “Oh! Yeah! Bring! It! On!” he told the interrogators.  Apparently, this was a dream of his, outsmarting the cops. The dumb brother? He BROKE DOWN. He could NOT handle this. Like, he was the WORST liar ever. “Why did you call Pedro?” “Um. Because. Um. The case? To. Hide? Driving. Money?” “ARE YOU LYING TO US?” *weeping* WORST CRIMINAL EVER, this guy. This isn’t even a REAL INTERROGATION, fella. Like, you’re not going to jail for this, you know. He was so scared. And the hot brother kept saying how slow and fat the other brother was! And the interrogators would come back and tell the chubby brother this! And he’d get all quiet and sad and his eyes would go all wide like he was imagining his life in the big house!  

Things that happened that bear mentioning:
  • The cops had a list of the people that were called on the cell phone. The people that were called lied to them. They then crossed them off the list as potential suspects, based on the lie. So, if I’m figuring this correctly, the briefcase could have been with one of the accomplices and the cops, who blindly accepted “I’m too busy for you to search my apartment right now” as an answer to one of their questions, would never have found it. This does not instill confidence.
  • Good cop, bad cop IS REALLY A THING. The interrogators kept using it. It did not fool hot brother. It did fool chubby brother.
  • At one point, the investigators called the brother’s mom to get an address from her. They flat-out lied to her. “We’re friends with your sons and they need your other son’s address because they’re both unable to come to the phone right now to ask you for it themselves and they want to go to his house.” AND SHE GAVE IT TO THEM. Um. Mom? If you’re reading this? DO NOT FALL FOR THIS CLEVER RUSE IF IT HAPPENS TO YOU. Because it is how KILLERS find out PERSONAL INFO ABOUT YOU. The mom FELL for this? How were BOTH sons not able to come to the phone? How did both of her sons not know her third son’s address? Why didn’t her son’s friend give his name? And at the end of the call, she said, “Call anytime if you need anything else!” and the cops chuckled and said “Oh, we will. WE WILL.” Nefarious! So I’m pretty sure identity thieves would have a field day with this woman. “We need your social security number? For your son? We are his friend? He is in Africa? On safari? Also your date of birth?” “Of course, darlin’! Anytime! It’s 001-…”
  • The cops went door to door asking if anyone had seen one of the cell phone people. One of the people they asked was my favorite person on the show. When he saw the photo, he said in an exhausted voice, “That looks like any of the frat boys I see EVERY DAY.” Ha! Way to be world-weary, San Franciscan. And way to have a generic photo, cops.
  • The interrogators kept saying things like “There’s SOMETHING about this RESTAURANT” or “There’s SOMETHING about the guy they called at 9:53” when there WASN’T.
I know you’re wondering, because I rudely spoiled you, how did the cops find the briefcase?

Chubby brother cracked!

He got all stir-crazy, because apparently he was misinformed and thought that 48 hours = 48 years? Or was in video game withdrawal and wanted to go home because they showed what he did for a living and it seemed to be working at McDonalds and playing video games? I don’t know. The weird U-turn led them to think something had happened in the park where they buried the case. So they were interrogating him under hot lights and they said something about “So was that BEFORE or AFTER you buried the case in the park” and he said “After” and then you could see “OH SHIT” cross his face, poor chubby going-nowhere brother, and then he started crying again, and they were all, “You want to go home, don’t you,” and he was all, “Uh huh,” and they left very gleeful. And the cops found the case, and the best moment was the interrogators telling the cocky brother they found the case in the park and him pretending that was false, and saying, “Huh, how did they find it there?” and BAM, the cops came in and bashed it on the table in front of him. And at the end of the show the chubby brother couldn’t even look his brother in the eye, and the cocky brother said something in his exit interview like “And even though my brother cracked I still love him” but in a way that you knew it really meant “I’d like him to be eaten by a wolverine.” 

So what did we learn, here? 

  • Well, in real life, don’t answer police questions without your lawyer present. Seriously. Bad, bad idea. 
  • Don’t bury $100,000 in the park. Where is a better choice? I don’t know. I’m not a contestant. And I’d have no idea where to hide the money if I was, because honestly, I’d panic and crash the car in the first 2 minutes and spend the next 58 dealing with Geico.
  •  This show is probably geared to subliminally make you think “there is no way I can outsmart the police so I shouldn’t commit a crime.” And yeah, you shouldn’t commit a crime anyway, because LISTEN, I totally watch crime shows, DNA is EVERYWHERE, don’t even BOTHER.  I am curious if the contestants are ever going to win. Because if they do, will that be a blueprint on how to outsmart the cops? And if so, I don’t think ABC will want to air that, will they? Curious. 
  • This is really kind of perfect summer TV. It doesn’t make you think too hard; you can do other things while it’s on; it’s not very intelligent; and it’s a little weird. 
However, their host is someone named “The Mystery Man” which is just stupid.