Category Archives: reading

And Indeed There Will Be Time (Guest Post Goodness!)

I know, I’ve been neglecting you all terribly. Sorry; lots going on. I’ll try to catch you up this weekend, if I can get in the right headspace to do so.

In the meantime, I DID blog today; just elsewhere. Over at Tipsy Lit, I have a guest post up about reading and time and memories and all good things. With a photo of MOI. Sort of. So go check it out. You’ll like it, I think. (And yay for guest posting! I always feel so damn fancy. I hope I remembered my etiquette, like which fork to use, and to put my napkin in my lap.)

Have lovely weekends; do some late-autumny things. It’s supposed to be in the low 60s here. The low 60s! In NOVEMBER! I think Mother Nature is experiencing some sort of mental illness this year. This autumn has been weirdotimes.

Go read me being me elsewhere. *smooch* Love your faces.

And Indeed There Will Be Time.

A shocking and surprising revelation! Ooh! Aah!

I have a confession to make. It’s going to shock and awe you, so prepare yourselves. Probably take a seat? Get yourselves a cool beverage? Take some deep breaths?

Are you all prepared? Jeez, I hope so.

I have fallen madly in love with e-reading.

I KNOW. I totally fought it, you guys. Kicking and screaming. I was all YOU WILL TEAR MY PAPER BOOKS FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS. A couple of years ago, I found out that I was going to get a Kindle for Christmas, but when my dad found out, he told my brother’s girlfriend “OMG DO NOT GIVE HER THAT SHE WILL PITCH SUCH A CHRISTMAS FIT!!!” so she exchanged it for something else and I don’t even remember what right now. When I talked to her about it a couple of days later, she said she still had it; did I want it? (She’s very generous, no joke.) And I thought about it, but decided against it. I didn’t think I would use it. And it seemed like a very expensive thing to take that I wasn’t going to use. (I wouldn’t have pitched a Christmas fit, though. I’m very gracious about receiving presents I won’t use. I put on a very nice face and am all, “Oh! Wow! SO NICE! And thoughtful!” and such and the person doesn’t even know I’m planning where in my closet I will stash the thing.)

I don't ever even make this face. This face is a dead giveaway.

I don’t ever even make this face. This face is a dead giveaway.

Oh, SIDE NOTE, and speaking of Dad, I spoke to him this evening, and he was VERY UPSET ABOUT SOME THINGS. First, Mom was making him go to this three-day church thing where you go listen to these friars talk about…I don’t know, being friars, I guess (Dad says that none of their last names are Tuck, and they don’t wear brown robes with rope belts, so I think this friar thing is really overrated) and that means he’s going to miss Survivor. MISS! SURVIVOR! Can you even imagine? Who will yell at Jeff Probst if Dad is listening to the friars talk about being friar-y? And THEN he told me that Mom has a COLD and he has to SIT next to her at church and WHAT IF HE CATCHES THAT COLD? He is an old MAN, you know! THIS COULD BE IT! He might be ONE COLD AWAY FROM DEATH! And, guess what else, GUESS WHAT ELSE! There was some ice he slipped on the other day and he fell, and now he is QUITE SURE he has BONE FRAGMENTS from his BACK in his BLOODSTREAM that are WORKING THEIR WAY to his HEART, because that’s what happens, Amy. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS. So as you can all see by this very lengthy side note, Dad is totally on the way out, and he won’t even get to watch Survivor as his last request. IT IS ALL VERY SAD.

Dad has become convinced his dimples are surgically implanted. He calls him "Fake Dimples" Probst.

Dad has become convinced his dimples are surgically implanted. He calls him “Fake Dimples” Probst.

OK, let’s get this train back on the tracks. Choo-choo!

So I fought the relentless wave of literary technology. I got my books from the library; once and a while, I’d buy one. This worked out just fine, mostly because I was poor and library books are free, you guys.

However, I was lucky as hell to get an amazing job in December, and along with this amazing job that I actually enjoy going to on a daily basis comes an added bonus – a real paycheck. A paycheck that covers the bills AND leaves money for additional things like new phones and Netflix and such. And I kind of wanted a tablet. And I thought, well, I could get a Kindle. That’s a tablet AND an e-reader. It’s the future. I really should get with the future. EVERYONE is in the future. Every single person. Except me.

I have a terrible sense of direction. I'm sure I missed the exit and accidentally got off in Parsippany.

I have a terrible sense of direction. I’m sure I missed the exit and accidentally got off in Parsippany.

And I thought of all the sad tree-books that were not getting read and all the publishing houses that were losing money and possibly going out of business and it totally made me sad-face like I was probably betraying all those books that got me through all the hardest times of my life. But it is the FUTURE. The future! Who am I to deny the future, really?

Then I got my Kindle in the mail. And it was – oh, my. It was so pretty. SO PRETTY. And I got a snappy orange case and it was very easy to set up and install all of the apps onto and it hooked up easily to the wireless in my house (whew, thank goodness I got wireless for the laptop last year, I’m using the wireless for SO MANY THINGS right now) and then it was time for books.

So I took books I had on my laptop Kindle app, which I barely used and it annoyed me the most because I hate reading books on the computer screen, and moved ’em on over. Then I had some books gifted to me from a wonderful friend. So I had a LOT of books on the Kindle.

One was a Stephen King/Joe Hill short story I hadn’t read yet. “I’m not really CHEATING on paper books if I read this one short STORY,” I thought.

How can I resist a new King/Hill story? HOW, I ask you?

How can I resist a new King/Hill story? HOW, I ask you?

So I brought the pretty new Kindle to bed with me.

That’s where the trouble starts, you guys. The bedroom. Every single time. It’s what your momma warned you about.

THE KINDLE WAS SO PRETTY. And so easy to use. And the pages were so bright and crisp and easy to see. And you can just pop on over to the next page with a simple swoop! and then there you are. And you can hold it in one hand. And you can totally snuggle under the covers easier with it. And and and…

Oh, you guys. I totally dig the Kindle.

So, so much.

Also, it’s a lot easier to read it in the light booth at the theater than attempting to keep your place and prop up a book on the sound board while you’re trying to keep your place in the script and run the cues. And you can highlight passages you like and you can bookmark where you are. (Highlighting is a problem in library books. I’m the jerk who makes little light pencil marks and puts in a billion bookmarks so I can write down the passages I liked when I’m done reading. Then I erase them, I’m not a total asshole. In library books. When I OWN the book, I write all OVER that sucker.)

I promise I don't do this. PROMISE.

I promise I don’t do this. PROMISE.

So, I take it back. I take back all my hatred of e-readers. I take it all back. You were right, all you people that exhorted me to please, please, PLEASE get off my ass and get an e-reader, already. I LOVE IT.

Also, one-click ordering might be my downfall. And the Kindle – which is actually a Kindle Fire HD – displays graphic novels GORGEOUSLY. So did I actually buy all of Joe Hill’s Locke and Key graphic novels tonight and spend an exorbitant amount of money on them because I wanted to own them all? Yes. Yes, I did. SO PRETTY.

"Locke and Key" is GORGEOUS. Also beautifully-written. If you're not reading, I highly recommend it.

“Locke and Key” is GORGEOUS. Also beautifully-written. If you’re not reading, I highly recommend it.

Do I still have (and read) paper books? Yep. I have a pile and a half from the library I’m working my way through. And some that I own. All the paper books. I don’t HATE them. I’m reading one right now, actually. I’ll never stop loving my paper books. They make up most of my decorating scheme, anyway. What would I do if I got rid of them? The place would be SO EMPTY. Dumbcat would be SO CONFUSED.

I owe you an apology, e-readers of the world. I’m sorry I was so yelly about you. You are actually the most awesome. I don’t know that you will be the downfall of paper books – I’m assuming you will not, I think there will always be a market for paper books – but I’m completely and totally head-over-heels for you, and I keep downloading more and more books and just looking, lustfully, at your gorgeous homescreen with ALL THE PRETTY BOOKS like JEWELS.

This isn't mine, but so, so pretty, right? I look at mine ALL THE TIME. And sigh. Happily. It's like a LIBRARY you can keep in your PURSE.

This isn’t mine, but so, so pretty, right? I look at mine ALL THE TIME. And sigh. Happily. It’s like a LIBRARY you can keep in your PURSE.

Yet again, you roped me in with your awesomeness, technology. Someday I will learn not to doubt you. Maybe. Probably.

If you’re going to buy and sell me, you’re in for more trouble than I’m worth.

The weekend is over! Things happened this weekend. THINGS. Here are some things:

  • Opening night happened, a night later due to the blizzard. The blizzard, oddly, had a name. The name of the blizzard was Nemo. When did we start naming blizzards? Is this a thing we always did? If so, why was I not made aware of it? Also, isn’t Nemo an odd name for a storm? NEMO IS AN ADORABLE CARTOON FISH. Not a blizzard. (Also, the blizzard was more bark than bite. Did it snow? Yes. But not as much as they said it would. I think we ended up with maybe 6-8″? Tops? THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. It made for a messy drive, and I got exhausted cleaning off the car, but otherwise, eh.)
  • That was too long to stay all one bullet point. ANYWAY, opening night happened. It went beautifully. The cast was spot-on, the lights and sound went off without a hitch (she says humbly, at least from the sound point of view) and the minute the cast came out for their bow, the audience gave them a huge standing ovation. I was so proud of the cast, and of friend A., who directed the hell out of that show. Then we had a champagne reception and everyone was so happy and complimentary, and I stayed up super-late and the review came out (not from the paper I review for, but for the other paper) and it was SO SO GOOD. You can totally read it. You don’t even have to pay to read this one. I think that’s because the Times Union has more money than my paper, I don’t even know. I was so excited to see this I texted friend A. in ALL-CAPS. ALL-CAPS TEXTING!!!
  • So after the show I stayed up way too late because there was a new Saturday Night Live but I might as well not have because both the host AND the musical guest was Justin Bieber and I JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE BIEBS. What is the appeal of this boy? Really? He’s not overly talented. I mean, he seems nice enough, but he’s just a kid with a pleasant, vaguely-female face. And he wasn’t even all that funny. Mostly he just kept looking vacantly around during the skits. I think he was trying hard, but it wasn’t really hard enough. But teen girls are INSANE about this kid. I just don’t get it. I just don’t. I guess I am too old?
  • Then I went to bed and at first I could not fall asleep because I was way overtired but guess what happened? I SLEPT FOR EIGHT STRAIGHT HOURS. I didn’t even wake up once. I woke up in the same position where I crashed out. Like I was a dead person. I woke up and looked at the clock and went OH HOLY HELL. It felt AMAZING. Then sj told me I’d really slept for 5 years, not 8 hours, and be careful when I went outside, because there were flying cars now. That made me laugh and laugh.
  • Then we had our matinee, which also went very well. And then I went out and bought a burrito for dinner as a treat and now I am watching The Walking Dead and then I will go to bed and attempt to get close to 8 hours of sleep AGAIN tonight, and won’t that be grand? Yes. Yes, it will.

    ZOMG, there is a badass Daryl Dixon meme. I approve. I HAVE MISSED YOU MY WONDERFUL DARYL!

    ZOMG, there is a badass Daryl Dixon meme. I approve. I HAVE MISSED YOU MY WONDERFUL DARYL!

  • Oh, at work on Saturday, at the answering service, some woman called all up-in-arms that her apartment complex hadn’t cleared her parking lot. I explained that we couldn’t page maintenance for that, because – per the apartment complex, in their OWN WORDS – “the clearing of snow is not an emergency that maintenance needs to be paged for.” She went BALLISTIC. “Do you know how much money I pay for this apartment? Do you know how much money I have in the bank? I COULD BUY AND SELL YOU. You are REQUIRED to call maintenance if I tell you to. YOU ARE MY EMPLOYEE. You are FORCING me to LIVE IN MY CAR. You will LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TALK. Don’t you DARE speak when you’re being spoken to.” Yep. This is the kind of thing I get at work, yo. I ended up hanging up on her after just repeating to her over and over I couldn’t help her per her complex and she’d have to take her complaints up with them when they opened again on Monday. “YOU WILL BE FIRED FOR THIS!” she screamed. Well, maybe, I don’t know. But probably not. I mean, it’s not OFTEN people are fired for following the rules of their jobs? But maybe. So I just told her “I’m sorry, there’s nothing more I can do for you, and this is fruitless for both of us, so I’m going to hang up now. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more assistance.” She was still screaming when I hung up. Happy, happy, joy, joy. (SIDE NOTE: I pay half of what she does for the place that I live, but my maintenance people were clearing my lot when I woke up on Saturday. The whole lot was almost completely clear when I left. So I guess all the money in the world can’t buy you a parking spot, Lady McRicherson. Hope you liked sleeping in your Caddy. I know I enjoyed sleeping in my nice warm bed. Also, have fun buying and selling me; I don’t think you’ll make much. I’ve been used and abused, and most of my internal organs are either missing, just don’t work, or are completely broken and I don’t think are going to bounce back, so I can’t be worth more than about $1.27.)
  • Also, I bought a ticket to go see Stephen Sondheim talk at one of our local colleges in May. I AM GOING TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS STEPHEN SONDHEIM. I’m kind of hyperventilating about this right now. STEPHEN EFFING SONDHEIM YOU GUYS.

Tomorrow and Tuesday I’ll be at the theater again – we have auditions for our next show – and then I actually get to come HOME on Wednesday and Thursday! Well, I have to go grocery shopping one of those nights, and laundry the other night, but after that, HOME HOME HOME! It’s gotten to the point that when I come home, Dumbcat goes into a fury of happy. MOM MOM MOM YOU ARE HOME MOM! he says in his cheerful furry way, and then follows me around like a puppy, making chirpy meows like a bird-cat. Then if I actually get two seconds to sit on the couch, he curls up to my leg as if it is the best thing ever and purrs SO SO HARD. Also, earlier today he sneezed in my face. I think that might be the grossest. Why would your cat do that to you? MEAN.

This was supposed to be a music blog, wasn’t it? I was totally planning on posting about a music thing. I guess that will have to be tomorrow because it’s already getting late.

OH! Here is a story called “earlier in the week I was very sleepy.” So on Saturday I got dressed half-asleep and cleaned off the car and went to work. And after a few hours I went to the bathroom. As one does. And I was all, “why are these the most itchy underwear? These underwear are really itching me.”


Yes. I went to work with inside-out underwear. Now, I probably could have fixed them, but it seemed like a lot of work to take off my big snow boots and pants and such in the grubby work bathroom and fix them so I totally went through my entire day with inside -out underwear. And every time I went to the bathroom I just looked sadly at them and said to myself, “this is really a total sign that you have just given up. You have completely and totally given up right now.” AND I DID NOT EVEN CARE ENOUGH TO FIX THIS SITUATION. IT WAS TOO MUCH WORK.

SO CHEERFUL! I was not this cheerful, but I was resigned about the situation.

SO CHEERFUL! I was not this cheerful, but I was resigned about the situation.

You will be pleased to know that my undergarments are on correctly today. And are much less scratchy since the lacy bits are right-side out, not wrong-side in.

They tell you the side-effects of not enough sleep are trouble concentrating, crankiness, forgetfulness, uneven motor skills, things like that. They do NOT tell you that you might space out and put on your panties inside-out and then just not have the energy to rectify the situation. I think there should be a PSA about such a thing. I mean, this would scare the kids, you know? Make them not as apt to stay up all hours partying and such? I mean, INSIDE OUT UNDERWEAR, you guys. This is not a laughing matter.

(The internet told me if you wear your underwear accidentally inside-out, you will have an especially lucky day. I didn’t. So therefore, your superstition is invalid. I TESTED IT. IT IS NOT TRUE.)

Also, I have read ALL the books over the past week; time in the light booth gives you plenty of time to read. Kindle-books and tree-books. We will discuss the pros and cons of both in a future post. All I know is, I read and read and read this week. I finished three books and am well on my way to finishing a fourth. Being able to read again? An absolutely amazing feeling. Just a brilliant one. Getting lost in a book was something I’ve been missing so much. And honestly I need to be getting lost in book-world, because I’m not having the best time in Amy-world at the moment, so it’s nice being in book-world. I’d almost forgotten that aspect of reading, and the main reason I did so much of it as a younger-me – it lets you not be you for a while. Thanks, books.

Two more days of theater hell, then only two more brief weekends of it. I’m the little engine that could right now. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

The most important thing is that people read…

“[D]on’t ever apologize to an author for buying something in paperback, or taking it out from a library (that’s what they’re there for. Use your library). Don’t apologize to this author for buying books second hand, or getting them from bookcrossing or borrowing a friend’s copy. What’s important to me is that people read the books and enjoy them, and that, at some point in there, the book was bought by someone. And that people who like things, tell other people. The most important thing is that people read… ” — Neil Gaiman

Now, it wouldn’t be the end of the year without an end-of-the-year best-books post, would it?

Here’s the problem, though.

I was totally broken this year and read NO BOOKS.

Well, I read SOME books. But I used to read hundreds of books a year. I’m not even exaggerating. I just counted, and this year I read – ready? it’s totally embarrassing – 53.

Fifty-three books. This is utterly shameful.

Here’s the problem. The stretch of unemployment (or, I guess you could call it, overemployment, as I was working a LOT) kind of made it so I had a choice: read or blog. Or, I suppose, read and blog and don’t sleep. But sleeping isn’t really something that’s on the table and able to be cut, you see. And that was a big chunk of my year. (4.5 months! That’s over a third of the year!) Since I started working at my new job, I’ve had a little more time (not a lot, but a little) and have actually read a few books (well, plays, but that’s what I have to read right now – I’ve mentioned, I think, we’re in the middle of play selection at the theater so I have to read a billion plays so we can decide what we’re doing next season…but I have high hopes that once that’s over, I can read REAL BOOKS again) since. So I have high hopes for 2013 and upping my number from – UGH – 53. FIFTY-THREE. What am I, in KINDERGARTEN? This is EMBARRASSING.

Also, my most abject apologies to my beloved Susie, because this lack of reading means I can’t write reviews for Insatiable Booksluts, and oh, I want to. So badly. I feel terrible that I haven’t been able to. Because it’s something I love doing. Writing for IB is one of my proudest achievements, and I’m not able to do it right now. So, yeah, that’s kind of killing me.

But! Like an intrepid soldier! I went through my meager list of books and picked out the top ten books I read this year, because I’ve done this every year since I moved here, and I didn’t feel like I could stop now, even though I embarrassed myself with the number of books I read this year. 2013! I WILL CONQUER YOU BOOK-WISE!

So here are my top ten books of the year – again, much like the music post, these books weren’t necessarily published in 2012, but I read them this year, so they make this year’s list. Amazon links included for those of you who like such things, of course, and in case you end up with a bunch of giftcards for Christmas and are wondering, hmm, what should I BUY with these, I wonder?

10. Us – Michael Kimball (my review of this one at Insatiable Booksluts here)

I like books that make me cry. I like all things that make me cry, let’s be honest. Television shows, movies, music, books. This made me cry. It’s a teeny little book about love and the fragility of life and how well we know the ones we love and it just tore me apart. It was so beautifully written. Just an absolute gem of a book.

9. Deathless – Catherynne M. Valente

This is a gorgeous retelling of Russian folklore. I’m a sucker for anything fairy-tale related, and this one doubly won, because I wasn’t aware of the fairy tale it was based on (the Russian tale of Koschei the Deathless) so it was all new to me. And it was beautifully written – it had a very modern-fairy-tale feel, with just enough mystery and magic and romance to make my heart swell. I loved it so much. (sj, if you haven’t read this one, I think you might like it – I know we both have a love for all things fairy-tale related.)

8. Zazen – Vanessa Veselka (Susie and I discuss the book at Insatiable Booksluts here)

This is a dark, poetic, powerful book. It’s an alternate reality, but not so far from our own, in which bombs drop all the time and it’s just the way things are; people live in constant fear, talking about leaving, going somewhere that’s safe – but where’s safe, really? The narrator is lost, but trying her hardest (oh, how I relate to that) and the writing is just gorgeous. This is the author’s first book – and if a book like this is your first book, whoa. Good for you, you know? Think of what you can do from here. The mind utterly boggles.

7. Wildwood – Colin Meloy

I’m fairly sure this is for children. I don’t even care. It made me happy. Prue’s younger brother is kidnapped by a murder of crows and brought into the Impassible Wilderness just outside of Portland, Oregon and she has to go rescue him with the help of her friend Curtis and some totally kickass talking animals (oh, you know I love talking animals.) It’s also written by the lead singer of the Decemberists, which kind of makes me smile, because you can sing AND you can write? Well, you might just be the perfect guy, I don’t know. (I like The Decemberists. I don’t LOVE The Decemberists, but I like them very much. I appreciate what they’re doing. I’m just waiting for that one perfect song from them, I guess. In the meantime, I like what I’ve heard.) Plus the illustrations are GORGEOUS.

6. Warm Bodies – Isaac Marion

Yes, yes, again, I think this is for the kiddos. Well, the kiddos of the young-adult variety, anyway. Don’t care, loved it. It’s zombie fiction and it’s a love story and it’s WONDERFUL. The zombie apocalypse has hit, and we’re seeing it from the zombies’ point of view – or one zombie, really. And that zombie falls in love with a human girl. And that love starts to change him, somehow. And it’s not at all cheesy or stupid or childish. It’s funny and dark and twisted and intelligent and it made me both laugh and cry and I was so happy I gave it a chance. Also, the trailer for the movie actually looks pretty decent. A little campy, but good. And it has John Malkovich in it! Come on, you know I love that. WHO DOESN’T LOVE THAT!?!?!?!

5. Americas – Jason Lee Norman (review at Insatiable Booksluts here)

I’ve been randomly thinking of this book on and off all year. It’s just that good. It’s lyrical and poetic and beautiful and it will make you laugh with the discovery of new and magical things and it will make you cry with the realism and heartache and sorrow. I can’t recommend this enough. Just a perfect little book. I can’t wait to see what Norman comes up with next; I predict great things.

4. Let’s Pretend This Never Happened – Jenny Lawson (review at Insatiable Booksluts here)

This book made me laugh probably harder than anything I read this year. Also, it hit me out of nowhere with sneak-attack tears, but mostly all the laughter. You all know Jenny Lawson as The Bloggess, and I’m sure most (if not all) of you read this book this year – it made a LOT of best-of lists this year, and with good reason – but if somehow this book escaped you this year, please do yourself a favor and pick it up. It’s funny as hell. You deserve that, don’t you think?

3. Citrus County – John Brandon (review at Insatiable Booksluts here)

Such a gorgeous, sad, beautiful book. Written so, so well. And just utterly filled with longing. Longing so thick and so deep it just welled up and off the pages. You could feel the humidity of Florida and you could hear the insects and you were just utterly immersed in that longing for something not…quite…tangible. And when the book was done, it stayed with you.

2. Gone Girl – Gillian Flynn

I love Gillian Flynn, and have read (and enjoyed) all of her other books – but this one. Whoo. I can’t even describe. It brought you one way, then another, and I am not even a thriller person, and her other books weren’t so much thrillers, and this one was, and holy HELL but did this book work for me. I had no idea where it was going or what was coming next and I could not put it down. And it wasn’t like one of those thrillers that you buy because you’re about to get on a plane and there’s nothing else in the store and it’s KIND of thrilling but meh, throwing peanuts at the guy sitting across from you on the flight would be, too, I suppose. Nope. This was well-written and twisty and intelligent and not your typical stupid thriller. This woman can WRITE.

1. In One Person – John Irving

I loved this. Well, it’s not overly surprising – I mean, I’m a total John Irving fan, I’d read anything he’s written, gladly. But this one hit all the right levels with me. I related to the characters; it had that gorgeous Irving storytelling I know and love; a very gay-friendly storyline; a lot of big, deep thoughts and ideas that made my headarea super-happy; and there was a section in the middle with some flirting that was completely conducted with German poetry. Oh, well THAT made me grin. Then also cry, because it was so melancholy and also beautiful. Nice job, Irving. I will continue to read anything and everything you publish until the end of all time.

So, there. I read a few other wonderful books this year, but these are the top ten. And next year there will be more. THERE WILL. I have the BEST OF INTENTIONS ABOUT THAT. *shakes fist at world*

If this isn’t the very definition of the Cone of Uncertainty, I don’t know what is.

It’s Monday. You know what you all need on Monday? You’re all cranky-faced and going back to work and stomp stomp STOMP.

Well! I’ve got you covered, my most favorite internettians. You know what your Monday needs? Sex.

Yep. All the sex. All the sexiest sex that ever sexed. I’m quite good at this. This is going to be totally titillating. We don’t have NEAR enough sex here on the blog. Ding Dong Joe gets all out-of-sorts, which I assume makes him a very bad roommate for poor Ken. (Oh, you didn’t know Ding Dong Joe lives with Ken? Yep. He sleeps on Ken’s couch, and I think probably also eats all of Ken’s cheese and never buys more, and invites over his friends and they have loud parties so Ken can’t sleep. I would assume he’s a very bad houseguest. I mean, it’s Ding Dong Joe, you just KNOW he’s not polite. But Ken’s VERY polite so he doesn’t feel like he can just ask him to LEAVE. That would be so RUDE and un-Ken-like, right?)

This all came about because I was trying to find this thing I saw one time but I thought I must have been imagining it. It was the oddest vibrator ever. (Well, I suppose it still is.) It looked like one of those touch-lights that you see on the infomercials and was the least sexiest thing ever. I FINALLY found it on this random “worst sex toys ever” site. And it didn’t really look like a touch-light. It looks like a silicone funnel. Or one of the coffee filters for my mom’s little one-pot coffee-maker. And I can’t even imagine it’s a good idea. Here. Look. Oh, wait. Probably this post isn’t safe for work. I’m going to show you A SEX TOY. And later I’m going to use the word PENIS. (Ding Dong Joe is SO EXCITED right now. Sigh.)

It kind of looks like this…

…and kind of like these.

Ready? Ready for the most perplexing vibrator ever?

Um. I don’t…this looks like my silicone muffin pan.

And here’s a picture of a very unenthustiastic British man with the cone. I like the look on his face. It’s all, “meh, it’s a cone, you can rub up on it if you want, I don’t care.” Also, he has a very loud sports jacket. And his hair looks like a crooked wig.

Where is this “As Seen on TV?” I bet England. England used to have the most naughty TV. It was the best.

If you go to the website, you can see various positions you can contort yourself in to USE this terrible excuse for a vibrator. They are called things like “the cone dog” and “the bed wiggle” and they made me sad in my soul. If you’re thinking about not falling off the bed, you’re probably not relaxed enough to enjoy yourself. Just a thought.

Anyway, in my internet search for this weird thing which I thought maybe I’d made up in my head, I found some really stellar Cosmo sex tips that just happened to be on one of the same pages of search results. Some SUPER-SEXY SEARCH RESULTS.

Listen, I don’t remember Cosmo giving these kind of sex tips when I was an impressionable teen who cared about such things. YES, at one point I was an impressionable teen who cared about such things. I stopped, however. When I realized that they were utter crap and would probably scare more men than they would titillate. I think I probably started reading these at age 16 and realized at age 17 they were bad news. I was a quick learner. Still am, jellybeans.

Anyway, now Cosmo is less about hair-tossing and giggling alluringly and more about…well, being scary. And using strange techniques that I think would send someone screaming from your bedroom, and possibly send them to the ER.

First: 30 Things to Do With a Naked Man.

Huh. Thirty! That’s…um. That’s a lot of things.

I’m not going to talk about all of them, but here are some really good ones that I think you’ll probably want to be using soon.

  • Give him an animalistic challenge by having standing sex. Let him hold you up against the wall with your legs wrapped around his lower back. He’ll be in the aggressor role since he’s holding you up with his arms and lower bod. (This is just going to make him tired, and he’s going to drop you. Also, ouch, wall-back. Life isn’t a movie, Cosmo. The sooner you realize that, the better.)
  • Steam things up at home by moving outside the bedroom and doing it on top of a sturdy table, kitchen counter, bathroom sink, or hood of a car that’s parked in your garage. (I seriously just had a mental image of the bathroom sink just shearing off the wall and water spouting everywhere and you having to explain this to the plumber. Also, car hoods get denty. You think this is a good idea? Really? I can think of like fifty places to screw that are sexier than this and I don’t even write for Cosmo.)

    Sex on a car hood reminds me of that scene in “Natural Born Killers.” Shut up, I love this movie.

  • Indulge him with low-maintenance sex (where all he has to do is unzip his fly, if that) by sliding onto his lap in reverse cowgirl position with your hands balanced on his thighs for support. Much like doggie-style, he’ll be able to revel in watching your tush and touching your breasts — but without expending any lower-body energy. (“Tush”? What the hell? Also, why do you have the LAZIEST SIGNIFICANT OTHER EVER??? He can’t even be bothered to move his lower half? Has he suffered a spinal-cord injury? Listen. If I’m giving, you’d better be giving back. Much like life, sex is a tw0-way street. Only with more bodily fluids.)
  • Even a plain scarf can make him see stars if you use the right technique. Take a long silk wrap, place it around his main man and the boys, and tie it in a large square knot, leaving about a foot of fabric on either end to hold on to. As you’re riding him, pull on the free ends so that the knot rubs against your clitoris. (So. We have to say “main man” but we can say “clitoris.” Huh. That’s funny. Anyway, I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell’s going on here for the past twenty minutes and I don’t know what the hell. You’re – tying a scarf around his dick, then you’re having sex while there’s a scarf there? I don’t…first, does he want you to do this? Second, this seems logistically faulty. Third, I have to think if you were all hot-and-heavy and you were all “just a minute let me get Nana’s silk scarf so I can TIE A KNOT IN IT AROUND YOUR DONG” he’d be all “um, no, let’s not do that.” Fourth, WHO IS DOING THIS DON’T DO THIS.)

    Well, I guess you could use this scarf. It’s already labeled for use and everything.

  • Be direct by saying something like “I want to have sex with you.” The straightforward approach is not merely about saving time…(I think you should also say it in a robot-voice. Say this in a robot-voice. Preferably to a stranger. No, seriously. Do it and report back. Let me know how it goes.)

    I. Am. Built. To. Pleasure. You.

  • Once you’ve launched his rocket in five minutes flat, he’ll be willing to do just about anything for you. (And you will be unsatisfied, frustrated, and bitchy, and possibly want to throw kittens off of porches. Also, “launched his rocket?” Really? There are a lot of euphemisms all up in here. That’ll make Ken happy, I guess.)

In summation: I can also think of 30 Things to Do With a Naked Man; however, they are not this weird, and we are both guaranteed satisfaction. And no one’s using a scarf. WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE SCARF I DON’T EVEN.

OK, this is already way too long, and I have a LOT more to discuss. So TOMORROW, you get MORE SEX. Tomorrow, we’re discussing romance, seduction, and lubricant. Which I know you’ll want to stay tuned for, because how have you gone this long without knowing what Cosmo thinks about all these things? The answer is, YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN BEREFT UTTERLY BEREFT.

You’re welcome, Ding Dong Joe. Happy Monday. Stop eating all of Ken’s cheese, you’re the worst houseguest ever.

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