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Category Archives: rambling

Never eat shredded wheat: a sign my brain is broken.

Are there only two days left in the year? Really? Huh. That’s…kind of abrupt, really, right?

Today we had blizzard number two in the week of blizzards. Well, I guess two blizzards doesn’t really make it a WEEK of blizzards but if you hate driving in snow so so much it seems like it. Also, this is the flu that will not stop, and I am FREEZING. Which is not like me, as I am usually warm like a little stove. So that’s been fun with the cold cold snow and the having to clean off the car and such. Leave it to me to fall in love with a place that is so COLD this time of year. Brrr.

This photo was in the Times Union. This happened to my car once. It was not easy to dig out of, I can tell you right now.

This photo was in the Times Union. This happened to my car once. It was not easy to dig out of, I can tell you right now.

So far, however, I have not slid off the road or into anything, so I consider that a winter win so far. WINNING WINTER!

I have had a very long day and kind of want to go to bed soon so we’re going to ramble for a bit and then wind this up and go to bed. I know. Sorry, lemon drops. My brain’s scattery today and I want to put on pajamas and fall asleep so I can turn my brain off for a bit. YES! I KNOW! It is SHOCKING, even old Lucy’s Football gets weary, even though she seems like she might be like the Energizer Bunny sometimes. It is true. And I am especially weary right now.

SO, apparently, they still want me to review at the paper, because I got two more assignments next month. YAY! It is by far my favorite thing ever. One of my assignments is going to be VERY exciting because it’s not only at a new theater I’ve never been to, it’s in a TOWN I’ve never been in. An hour away! Well, THAT’S exciting! I wish it was during the day so I could enjoy the drive more and see all the things to see. When I told Dad this, he said “Where is it?” and I said, “Far.” “FAR IS NOT A DIRECTION!” he said, and laughed and laughed. But to me, far TOTALLY is a direction. Without my GPS, I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere, seriously. So I looked it up and I said, “It is…um…never eat shredded wheat NORTHEAST FROM HERE.” And Dad said, “What the hell? Shredded wheat? You sound like Rainman.” and I said, “Um. Heh. Yes. This is…how I know…the points on a compass?” “The…what is wrong with you. What are you talking about? You’re going insane,” said my supportive father.

I also think Compass Rose is one of the most beautiful names for anything ever.

I also think Compass Rose is one of the most beautiful names for anything ever.

See, you know how you get a map, and sometimes there’s a compass on it, and sometimes there isn’t? But usually there’s at least something that points north so at least you know which way is north. Anyway, a very helpful friend in college who was also one of the best artists I have ever known taught me that there’s an easy way to remember the points on a compass: clockwise from the N, you say “Never Eat Shredded Wheat.” See? North East South West. Now I KNOW some of you don’t NEED this trick and probably just know the points of the compass like all intuitively or whatever, and to that, I say, huzzah to you. I am the kind 0f person who not ONLY needs this little mneumonic trick, but ALSO needs to hold up her left and right hands at times, make an “L” out of her thumb and forefinger, and knows which one is her left hand by which hand has the forward-facing “L”. I refuse to think of this as a SHORTCOMING, per se. I think of this as freeing up my mind for more important things, like the lyrics to “Everybody Wants Something” from Degrassi Junior High episodes in the 80s and every hurtful thing everyone’s ever said or done to me and how it felt to see my very first movie in the movie theater when I was four. These things are IMPORTANT. More important than knowing which foot to put in when someone says to put your left foot in, come on. When’s that going to come in handy? Weddings? Well, that’s dumb, I’m not participating in that shit.

Shut up, it's totally a thing, I found this on a kids' learning site. IT IS A THING!

Shut up, it’s totally a thing, I found this on a kids’ learning site. IT IS A THING!

Anyway, once I explained this to Dad, he was SO DISGUSTED, and he said, “You’d better not go anywhere without your GPS. You scare me. YOU SCARE ME. Shredded Wheat. Even your MOTHER knows the POINTS on a COMPASS. Even! Your! Mother!”

Sorry, Dad. I am a total disappointment, directionally.

I am also reviewing a show at the fancy theater in Schenectady, which is always a joy. AND, I totally bought tickets for a show ALL ON MY OWN which was exciting because I could afford to do so for once. YAY ME! So I get to see at least three shows next month!

AND, in news of VERY EXCITINGNESS, I totally made the leap into the 21st century and made a major purchase last week. I have been tracking it ever since; it’s set for delivery Wednesday.

KINDLE FIRE HD!!!!!!

KINDLE FIRE HD!!!!!!

ZOMG I KNOW!!!!

Not ONLY am I FINALLY getting an ereader, it is also kind of a TABLET and does things like CONNECT TO THE INTERNET and I can tweet and Facebook and such on it. And watch television and movies and listen to music and ALL THE THINGS YOU GUYS. And isn’t it so PRETTY? I am so excited. It’s my Christmas present to myself. I even did research and such. Also, my library has an excellent selection of e-books to check out for Kindle, and this is awesome, because I can totally get books from the LIBRARY for it. Don’t worry, paper books will still happen. But I’ve been coveting one of these for a while, and it’s been a tough go for a while. I deserved a present. And I had the money to GET that present. I’m kind of so excited I’m bouncing. I’m sure I will tell you all about it until you are all SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID KINDLE.

Today is “Amy lazes on the couch and finally watches The Avengers” day. I finally got it from the library, it only took a bazillion years. I am very excited and might not even change out of my pajamas all day. That’s a lie, I hate being in pajamas all day. I feel gross and like I stopped trying. When I was so sick and didn’t feel like changing I couldn’t even call the Chinese food deliveryman because I was all pajama-d up and felt repulsive and didn’t want anyone seeing me like that. I KNOW! I COULD NOT EVEN ORDER SOUP.

That is enough rambling. I have important things to do like eat popsicles and catch up on episodes of Grimm (MONROE!!!) and then go to bed. I know, I really live quite a charmed life, no? Happy last Sunday of the year, all. Enjoy your day!

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Failing at time zones. And also mathing.

Howdy, Tuesday, how YOU doin’? Good? Good, then.

This week is another week of craziness in Amy-town. Many many hours at work. But that’s good, because listen, even though I’m working like a maniac, when I got paid this week, I was able to pay almost every single bill this month and – AND, are you ready for this? – HAVE MONEY LEFT OVER. I know! It’s strange and exciting territory. I’m not 100% sure what I’ll do with that money. I should probably save it for Christmas. I think Christmas has officially been cancelled, though. There’s no way I can do it to the extent that I want to, and I’m not good at Christmas-lite. Christmas-lite seems like a lie. I’d rather boycott it altogether. Mom was all “AMY! I need a Christmas list from you PRONTO!” (yes, my family still does Christmas lists) and I told her she had to wait until the end of the month because that’s when I would decide what was happening with Christmas in Amy-land. Two more weeks to decide. Sometimes I put off decision-making for a very long time. It’s never a good idea but I’m a total procrastinator when it’s a hard decision I don’t want to make.

But there’s a nephew, and he still needs a Christmas. He’s too little to understand boycotting Christmas. So there might be only a Christmas for my one and only beloved nephew. That’ll be ok. The kid loves presents. His eyes get all big and he says, “For ME?” and you can’t even process the cute. You absolutely can’t.

Anyway, we have some catchall things to discuss today because I’ve been putting some things off and then tomorrow we’ll have some uproarious hilarity. Today I have the day off because today is your yesterday because I LIVE IN THE PAST or maybe the future, I don’t even know.

Oh, SPEAKING of not even knowing, I’m terrible at time zones? Like, the MOST terrible. Which sucks, because I have people living in other time zones. For a while, it was only BFF. And that was bad enough. But NOW I have people living on other CONTINENTS and they don’t even live in the same TIME ZONES as each OTHER so I’m constantly having to do mind-math to figure out what time it is there and if they’re sleeping or at work or, hell, I don’t know, eating a cookie, whatever it is they’re doing. Last night on The Amazing Race there was this whole TASK where the contestants had to figure out Russian time zones and sj and I were watching together as we like to do and we like to pretend that we’re competing in the Race together? We’d lose the racing part, we’ve decided, but we’d love the traveling and the thinking-parts. And checking in with Phil and his eyebrow.

So I was all “SJ. I would LOSE this. I NEVER KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS ANYWHERE.” And she was all, “I am the BEST at this. I would do this Roadblock for us so we would win.” And I was like “No, seriously, I’m constantly all ‘what time is it in Finland +7 SO MUCH MATH'” and then she laughed and laughed at me and said, “You know there’s this site called World Clock, right? I will make you one.”

AND SJ MADE ME THIS AND NOW I HAVE THE TAB OPEN ALL THE TIME!!!

LOOK LOOK! It has all my people I love on it! BFF and my own time zone (also sj and Susie’s) and Elaine and Ken and Andreas! NOW I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS IN PLACES!!!

OK, listen, I know probably you’re better at mathing than I am (everyone is, even elementary-school children), but I can never ever remember what time it is ANYWHERE. And then time zones change or whatever and I am flat-footed lost and thinking it’s 4 when it’s 6 or whatever. THIS DOES MY MATHING FOR ME!!! And sj says that when Daylight Savings Time happens, THIS WILL CHANGE TO REFLECT THAT FOR ME!

This is like those fancy clocks you see in banks where you always know what time it is in major cities only it’s RIGHT ON MY LAPTOP and I am SO EXCITED I CAN’T EVEN.

Shh, it’s the little things, jellybeans. THANK YOU SJ I ADORE YOUR FACE.

OK, don’t you worry, I have more things to talk about than clocks. No, I totally do. NO I DO.

Today (I think it’s today? I hope so, I’ve been waiting til today to post this) friend R. moves away, and I am both happy and sad about this.

Happy because she is moving to something wonderful, and a whole new opportunity and a whole new life and onto something she will love so much, and sad because I JUST MET HER AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND WILL MISS HER LIKE A CRAZYPERSON.

Friend R. and I worked together until recently at the answering service, and at first I thought, I cannot be friends with friend R., because she is SO NICE and SO CALM and she will never want to be friends with me because I am the opposite of those things. But Friend R. was very very patient and kind and also very funny and warm and she TOTALLY wanted to be friends with me! Which was nice and always surprises me when that happens. (And probably always will.) Friend R. makes me want to freak out and cuss less because she is so calm and nice and sweet. (That makes her sound boring. SHE IS NOT BORING. She is WONDERFUL. She is a GOOD INFLUENCE.) It was nice to have her at work, especially on Saturdays when everything’s always so crazy, because when I started getting all frantic and freaked out and most people would be like “STAY AWAY FROM MT. ST. AMY! She’s about to BLOW!” Friend R. would just look at me and say, “Deep breaths, Amy. It’s ok.” And that’s all it would take. She would make me laugh at myself and things would be better. How many people do you know like that? I wish there were more of them. She is a good listener and gives wonderful advice and makes me laugh a lot and she’s super-intelligent and very good at her job and one of the hardest workers I know. And it makes me sad that she’s moving now, because I just got to know her, and we just did our first solo hanging-out thing, and other than I was super-tired so kind of cranky and had a mini-meltdown in the middle of it (SORRY R.!) I think it was not at all a bad time and if she was still living here we could do it again and we would have a good time and also have adventures and wouldn’t that be awesome? Yes, it would. So I will miss her so much. (And I was so hoping the paper would have run the photo of us at Wicked by now so I could show you, but apparently we didn’t make the cut. DAMMIT PAPER! That would have been an awesome photo here. Instead, here is a photo of a sad panda. R. leaving makes me sad panda.)

But she is going to continue working for us from a distance by using a laptop, so I will get to see her virtually that way, and also through the magic of the interwebs and email and Twitter and Facebook and texting and such. And she is moving to a wonderful opportunity to live with people she loves doing something she loves, so I am so, so happy for her and so proud of her, because she’s worked so hard for the past umpteen years to get herself to where she is now.

I will miss you, R.! Best of luck to you, and I can’t wait to hear all about your adventures, and Saturdays at work will not be the same without you there rolling your eyes with me at people’s shenanigans! Have the safest safe drive south and have the BEST BEST TIME in your new life! You deserve every wonderful thing!

And finally, I just want to say a gigantic thank you for everyone who voted for me in the Goodreads thingamabobber. I did not make it through to the final round, but the sole fact that I made it through to the round BEFORE the final round still fills me with all the glee. I love you all to pieces and cannot thank you enough. That my little old book made it to the top twenty poetry books of the year on Goodreads…well, that’s flabbergasting. It’s really amazing to me. Thank you so, so much. I’m not even disappointed. I didn’t think I’d make it as far as I did, anyway, you know? So, thank you. Thank you for getting me as far as you did. I mean it. ALL THE AIR-KISSES TO ALL OF YOU. (And pop on over and vote for The Bloggess’ book while you’re over there, because we want her to win in a landslide! But I am TORN because there’s also a Kevin Smith book in the same category. Sorry, Kevin Smith, I read The Bloggess’ book and have not read yours, I have to vote for her. I STILL LOVE YOU KEVIN SMITH!!!)

This was meant to be a thank you kitteh but this one was funnier. Please forgive.

Happy Tuesday, you beautiful people! Enjoy your day. Listen, it’s November and I’m totally in a t-shirt and jeans today. This weather is GORGEOUS. I love fall so much I want to marry it and have its BABIES.


The time I almost got killed but not really killed at all.

I wrote myself an email called “these are funny things to remember to talk about” and now they don’t seem as funny as they did when I was half-asleep this morning. Huh. Imagine that, something seeming funnier when I’m all sleep-fuzzy. Can’t even fathom.

OK, so the first story is called THE TIME I ALMOST GOT MAULED TO DEATH LAST NIGHT.

So last night I had to work until 11, and then I had to get up super-early to get to work this morning. No, ok, not THAT early, but early enough. Especially since I was at work until 11, then got home and I TOTALLY MEANT to go right to bed but the internet beckoned, and MAN is the internet beckony. Like a mistress. Or in my case a mister, I suppose. Anyway, so I was sleepy when I got home. I parked the car in the secret back lot no one ever uses because the front lot was all full. It’s totally dark and creepytown back there and it’s where the killers live, I’m pretty sure, but luckily I live in a pretty safe place so there aren’t a lot of killers. THAT I KNOW OF. But if there WERE killers, they would TOTALLY make that back lot their home.

No, this isn’t a picture of my actual lot. How the hell would I take a picture in the dark, my phone doesn’t have a flash on it.

So I did some phone-stuff in the car before I got out, and then I opened my car door and then I was getting all my things together like my purse and my phone and my work bag and my lunch bag (I’m like a beast of burden with all of these things, seriously) and so I was all “la la la GETTING MA SHIT TOGETHER” when a very cold THING bashed up against my arm and went “MRPH!” and then I screamed right out loud.

So I jumped three feet in the air (well, that’s kind of an exaggeration, I was in the car, so I just kind of bumped out of my seat a little) and looked over all “well, this is where I get killed” and it was A VERY HAPPY RED DOG.

It kind of looked like this. But redder. And also more awesome.

Now, I was ABOUT to say “the happiest red dog you have ever seen,” but then I thought, that’s a total lie. Because there are two dogs that fit that criteria, and therefore, this dog CANNOT be the happiest red dog you have ever seen, because the happiest red dogs you have ever seen belong to Ken.

Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Happiest red dogs ever. (I stole this from Ken, because one time, he gave me like a free pass to steal from him? I’ve been taking advantage of it ever since. THANK YOU KEN. It’s probably a good thing I don’t live in your Germany. I’d be coming over all the time all “give me a bag of sugar and all your CDs WHAT YOU SAID I COULD STEAL.”)

So, although this dog was SINCERELY HAPPY and SINCERELY RED, it was not the HAPPIEST red dog ever, because, well, just look up. Because that title is TAKEN.

So in about 3 seconds I went from “ZOMG A MONSTER IS ATTACKING ME GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD” to “ZOMG! LOOK AT THE PUPPY!!!” and the dog was wagging his happy tail ALL OVER THE LAND and smiling a doggy-smile and I LOVED HIM SO MUCH.

So I said, “Hello happy red dog! What are you doing all alone here in the middle of the night?” and he sat down and smiled up at me and I made up this WHOLE LIFE IN MY HEAD where I ran off with this happy red dog and adopted him and we had the best time ever, and then a man said, “Come here, Dexter” and happy red dog gave me a look like, “Oh, well, see ya” and bounded off and a scruffy college-looking kid took off with MY NEW DOG. Sigh.

So I COULD HAVE BEEN EATEN BY A SASQUATCH but mostly I met a new friend and his name seems to be Dexter which is a television-serial-killer name so I don’t think that’s appropriate. What do I think is more appropriate? I can’t tell you that. I don’t name animals arbitrarily. I take weeks. I make lists, and then I ask the animal what they think. Right now, you think I am being sarcastic. I am not. Why wouldn’t you involve your animal in its name? That’s ridiculous. Dumbcat’s really real name is a VERY good name, and when I said, “So I think I’m going to name you THE NAME I CANNOT SAY ON THE INTERNET BECAUSE YOU ARE IN WITNESS PROTECTION SO I CALL YOU DUMBCAT,” he blinked wisely and headbutted me, and he didn’t do that with any of the other names that I said to him. So that was his name. IS his name. REMAINS his name. It’s the name I call him when we’re home alone. (Along with things like Tater, and many other things, because he is a cat of a billion names.) Also, when I named my other cat, I read her a very long list of names, and when I got to her name, she MEOWED. She totally picked her own name. I think we should take things more seriously like naming. Especially when it comes to animals, who are superior to humans in almost every way.

Oh, this is getting kind of long and I didn’t even tell you the other things that were on my list of things to talk about that weren’t even all that funny. I really liked that red dog. I want a dog. Why don’t I have a dog yet? Oh, because I don’t have time for a dog and that would be unfair to a pet. That’s right. I’m a responsible human, I forgot. I don’t want a little red dog, anyway. I want a pit bull. Because when I worked at the shelter they won me over and are my favorite breed. (I will always love beagles, but I want to own a pit.)

My most beloved pit in the world looked just like this, and looking at this makes me have tears. I miss him so much.

OK, let’s see. Well, in news of “I have the sense of humor of a child,” the fire station next to me is having this fundraising dinner and they were putting up a sign and they were only halfway done putting up the sign so there was this guy putting up the letters and all it said outside the fire station was “PORK” all big. Hee! PORK. So that made me laugh, thinking of what they might be doing inside that fire station. Porking, I guess. Later when I drove by they’d finished the sign so it said “Pork Dinner” and had all the details so it wasn’t funny at all anymore.

Someone trademarked this, so don’t you go stealing Pork 101. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!

Hee. Pork. Pork at the fire station.

Oh, and and AND, there was a man standing at the bus station talking to himself SO VIOLENTLY and that made me super-sad. But he also seemed to really be enjoying the conversation? Like, he was using his HANDS and he was being all VIBRANT and he had VERY WIDE EYES so I thought, “that can’t be that bad, he seems to be having a good time” and then I thought, “oh, shit, using his hands, wide eyes, I TALK TO MYSELF ALL THE TIME, this is my future THIS IS MY FUTURE” and then I was the saddest all over again. But probably I won’t be a guy who looks like Santa Claus at the bus stop on Central Avenue.  At least I don’t THINK I will. I guess anything could happen, it’s a weird world. One never knows.

There. Those are the things I wanted to tell you in the middle of the night on a Thursday which in your world is a Sunday because I am trying to be proactive before I go to bed and get up early for another day of work tomorrow SIGH SIGH SIGH.

Also, I want a happy dog. I so want a happy dog. Dumbcat says to tell you, “No dogz becuase they maek me skeered and also HIED!” but I think he’d get used to it. Eventually. He’ll have to, I mean, once I get a DOG. Also another cat. And some fish. And a frog. And then I have a whole menagerie up in here and all will be well in Amy-land.

HAPPY SUNDAY! Oh, today, I am doing that fancy theater thing? Where I am fancy and talk in front of people with my whole mouth? And I am, probably as you read this, TERRIFIED AS ALL HELL. Gulp. Send good thoughts. ALL the good thoughts. I’m probably hiding in the pots and pans cupboard at the moment, so think them hard, they have to make it through the wood paneling and such.

Heh. Wood.

Heh. Pork.

I AM NEVER EVER GOING TO GROW UP, AM I?

Nope.


Lobotomies: underrated? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Just got home from work and ate some dinner and now I have to write something or you’re probably not going to get a blog post today. What WOULD you all do without my inane ramblings? Oh, what’s that? Probably you’d be just fine? SIGHHHH. Maybe *I* wouldn’t be fine, did you ever think of THAT? This is a LOT cheaper than therapy, you know. Also, therapy is NOT FUN. They just want you to talk about ALL THE SERIOUS things ALL THE TIME. You leave VERY DEPRESSED. Also, mostly they tell you they want you to go out and go for a walk. BUT YOU ARE TOO DEPRESSED TO GO FOR A WALK! Because you had to talk about the MOST depressing shit EVER so really all you want to do it sit home and MOPE! (Do you think maybe I was going to the worst therapists ever? I think yes.)

“Tell me about your childhood.” “WAAAAHHHHH!”

There is a commercial they keep showing that makes me want to stab kittens. Do you all get this one? The one where the guy takes a photo of all the kids in Halloween costumes and says “cheese” for like a month in the most annoying voice ever and it reminds me of that terrible Dumb and Dumber movie where they made the most annoying noise in the world? And they show it ALL THE TIME. I would show it to you but for some reason I can’t find it on the internets. Why don’t they just show that Google commercial where the father and daughter chat online all the time, because that one makes me weepy. I’d rather be weepy than want to stab kittens. Wait, here’s the weepy one. I like weepy.

Oh, listen. So, you know how I’ve been working all and all the hours? I just want to say, dear people I work with. I love your faces. You make me laugh every single day. Does what we do kind of suck and make us exhausted and the callers make us want to reach through the phone and throttle the stupid out of them? Yep and yep and yep. However, you make it bearable. You make me laugh and you have the best senses of humor and you laugh at my insanity and you are happy to see me when I get to work and you all say cheerful goodbyes when I go. Listen, I worked at a place that…wasn’t…um…like that. For a long time. Did it maybe pay better and was it a little more stable? Yes, sure. But the people? No. No comparison at all. I want them to succeed and I want them to be happy and I worry about them when they are sick and I care about their families and I think that’s a win, right? They’re really fantastic people. I can’t even imagine how I’d be dealing with this without them. Thank you, co-workers. I went six and a half years getting about one genuine smile a day from my coworkers, so I can’t even tell you how nice it is to have people I genuinely like seeing day after day at work. You are making what’s happening work-wise right now bearable, with the long hours and such. (It’s not work that’s unbearable. I actually don’t mind it so much. I’m just kind of exhausted all the time, is all. I need some unwind-time.) So, work-people: love your faces. Most sincerely. You are some of the best people I know.

Biscuit is thankful. Biscuit is TOTALLY thankful. (I guess I’m Biscuit. Euphemism? We’re going to have to ask Ken about this one.)

Let’s see. What’s up. Um…I have had no times for Dad-stories. Well, don’t worry, I’ve been TALKING to Dad. Just so briefly, there were no stories. He cracked himself up today because he decided to play a funny trick. See, the other night I called him and it was kind of late, and he was all, “AMY! I have been waiting for HOURS for you to call, WHY DO YOU HATE ME!” and I said, “UGH DAAAAAAD. I told you! I had work then THEATER tonight.” (I totally did tell him, too. Like, three times.) So I told him a billion times “Dad. I WILL BE HOME AROUND 8:30 TOMORROW. Please DO NOT FRET. I have a late shift.” So when I called he was all, “Um…someone’s watching Survivor, you couldn’t have called sooner?” which may or may not have been a joke. But TONIGHT! I called around the same time and he was all “I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR HOURS YOU HATE YOUR POOR FATHER!” and then he giggled like a schoolboy. This is why I have a very good dad. He has a very well-developed sense of whimsy. Which he then passed along to his daughter (and to some extent to his son, but it’s all walled-up behind this insane machismo. I can sometimes get it to come out but I’m just about the only one. With everyone else, he’s all GRR ARGH I AM A MANLY MANLY MAN! but when I’m around sometimes I can tease him into being the goofy kid he was when we were growing up. Those are my favorite brother-moments. There aren’t enough of those.)

OH! Also! Listen! It is a very important day! TODAY IS JIM’S BIRTHDAY!

I stole this from Jim’s Facebook page because it makes me laugh like a moron. Here is Jim as a magical unicorn.

Jim is one of my favorite humans. At this time last year, I DON’T THINK I EVEN KNEW JIM. Is that not the saddest thing you’ve ever heard in your life? What, too exaggeratey? It’s TRUE.

JIM! I hope you have an amazing day. You are wonderful and fantastic and you make me laugh but also you make me cry and you are talented and caring and I feel lucky to know you. Thank you for being my friend. I hope your day is full of adventures and surprises and all good things. (Shh, look away, internets, I’m gonna get squishy.) I LOVE YOU JIM!

Ugh, it is LATE. I am all kinds of distracted right now. I have lots in the old brain-space. When do I not? Listen, Andreas and I were talking about whether or not it would be better to be stupid or smart the other day. I know, I know. You’d THINK it would always be better to be smart, yeah? No. Not always the case. Stupid people seem kind of lah-ti-dah just going through their lives and they don’t overthink every single thing and make stupid assumptions and read into EVERYTHING and think the world is going to blow up and worry about every every EVERY thing. They sleep like babies and they are DUMB and they are HAPPY. And would it be better, to be this way? Or would it be better to be intelligent and miserable? I honestly don’t know. I think we decided if we could lose our intelligence but not KNOW we were ever intelligent, it’d be ok. But remember “Flowers for Algernon” and he REMEMBERED he’d been smart and it was just MISERABLE? Oh, did I ever cry over THAT. Whoo!

OMG I CAN’T EVEN. Poor little Algernon, seriously. This story was the worst.

It is not always easy to be intelligent. You’d think it would be, but it’s not. It’s twisty and it hurts more and you’re actually possibly worse-off. I know you’re all “YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE” and I am, I am, I am. Of course I am. But sometimes I’d like a night’s sleep without having to replay everything I’ve said and done all day long, and beating myself up over it, before I can sleep;  I’d like to just see something pretty and say “ooh, pretty!” without overthinking it; I’d like to just take things at face value and not have to OVERANALYZE everything.

OK. I have GOT to get to bed. Have to. Getting late all up in this here joint. Have work pretty early tomorrow.

Listen, I have some pretty amazing people in my life. Can I just end with that? I have some pretty amazing people in my life. And I just love them so much. Thank you, people. You keep me going. Thank you thank you and all the love, ok? All the love.


Douchebags, are, apparently, the only exception.

Whoo! Busy couple of days. Lots went on! I’m just going to ramble for a while. Ready for rambling? Oh, shush. You LOVE it. SO SO MUCH.

First, look, you get TWO posts for the price of ONE today! And by “price” of course I mean “free!” Here, if you go over to the lovely sj’s blog, you can read my thoughts on reading The Hobbit for the first time. I know, I’m a little old to be reading The Hobbit for the first time. That’s addressed in the post, not to fret, my little chick peas.

Let’s see. Yesterday, I went to see my friend N.’s play he wrote be performed. I mentioned this a while back, right? N. sent me a message not long after I wrote the post about all the high school people sending me Facebook friend requests, asking if I’d be ok with him writing a play using that. Now, listen. I was ok with that on a lot of levels. One: I’m a writer. I mine ALL of my friends for material. Sorry, all. I totally do. I walk around my day gleaning shiny information like a magpie. Some is for my poems; some is for my blog, some is for personal emails; some is just for me. I honestly believe what separates a writer from someone who doesn’t write is that a writer sees more. And remembers more. And then uses that to build imaginary worlds, with that information as building blocks.

Oh, back on track, sorry. Second, N.’s writing is phenomenal. If N. asks if he can use something of mine for some of his writing? That’s a big fat yes every time. Because he’s going to make that shine, no matter what it is. Third, it’s nice to be asked. I mean, I thought that kind of showed a lot of respect, to ask about that. N. had similar high school experiences. He knows where I’m coming from with the high school thing.

So he sent me a one-act a while ago, which I read, and I loved it. It was fantastic. In short, a man returns home to tend to his ailing mother; while shopping for her, he runs into one of the people who used to torment him in high school. It was well-written (not that I’d doubted it would be) and touching and there were a lot of moments were I nodded and said, “YES” and a couple of moments where I had tears. It was painful and perfect.

Then last week, he emailed me and said it was being performed at a local playwrights’ night, and I said, “When and where,” and I meant it, even though I hate leaving the house. Especially when it’s hot. Oh, by the way, IT IS SO EFFING HOT. Hopefully it will go away soon, but blech it’s like almost 100.

I’m a delicate blossom and I frizzle easily.

Last night (well, nights and nights and nights ago for you all, since I’m days in advance, I promise this will stop happening in about a month when I go on vacation, I’m trying to get you all some vacation posts written, IT’S ALL FOR YOU DAMIEN) I got to see it on stage, along with four other one-acts, which varied in successfulness. Oh, also I totally saw my THEATER NEMESIS. I totally have a theater nemesis and I saw him there last night. I haven’t seen THEATER NEMESIS in probably a few years, or so? Since I had to FIRE him. From a show we were working on together. That was running at the time. For a number of reasons. And he was sketchy and we were SURE that he was going to murder me and put me in his trunk and drive my dead body to Mexico. So, yeah, I saw sketchy potential Mexico-killer last night for the first time in years. I don’t know if he saw me. I gave him the secret stink-eye the whole time.

He had these creeeeepy eyes. So creepy. Gah.

Anyway, N.’s play was fantastic. N. and another actor I know starred; N. played the bully (and broke my heart, knowing the little I did about his background, having to play the enemy; I don’t know that I would have found it any easier seeing him play the bullied adult, either, though.) I loved reading it, and seeing it made it even more poignant and painful and incisive. It was also interesting to see the reaction of the audience; I lived some of this, or variants thereof, and hearing people laugh, and seeing their reaction, to things that happened to me, or at least things that almost happened to me, or close to happened to me, was kind of cathartic. I’m not 100% sure I was supposed to get all of that out of this, but I did. And then I clapped until my hands hurt because it was wonderful. And also, I may have cried a little.

Then it was so ungodly hot so I went home and sat in front of the air conditioner and sighed merrily.

Aaaahhhhhhh.

Then then then, I had work all day today, and it was the WORST. Second job day today. Not enough employees showed up; there are over a million people without power in Virginia at the moment, and we recently purchased an answering service in Virginia, so that meant a KAJILLION phone calls about no power or no air conditioning or no oxygen, and then some woman yelled at me for like a year and a half because she was a douchecanoe and thought she was special.

This is courtesy of BFF, who saw this and thought of me. AW! Best BFF EVERRRRR.

No, seriously. She actually said, “I understand there are RULES, but I am the exception to those rules.” Um. Yeah. No, no you’re not. She also dropped that she had two vacation homes in Maine in the first thirty seconds of the call, and that she was friends with VERY important people. Then she told me she was going to get me fired, and said I WOULD tell her my last name (heh, I didn’t) and that when she died of a heart attack on Tuesday, I’d have that on my conscience FOREVER. When I said, “well, you could probably call the office on Monday for help, so that doesn’t happen, since they’re open then,” she was FURIOUS. Listen, rich lady. You’re irrational, you’re used to getting your own way, and you’re more than a little bit nuts. And you’re a huge bully. Think I deal well with bullies? No. No, I do not. Threaten me all you want. I’ve been threatened by better than you. Face to face, actually. High school kids were a lot scarier. Trust me. They even would have scared YOU. With all of your VACATION HOMES.

I AM VERY IMPORTANT.

Tomorrow is going-to-visit-C.-and-C. day, so I have to get to bed so I can do that because I have to get up insanely early for a Sunday (sigh, but it’s for a good cause) and then go to a fancy brunch and then go to a fancy play and then home and relax, whoo!

THEN THEN THEN! This weekend is The Nephew’s birthday! I can’t wait to see him. He was at my parents’ house tonight when I called to talk to them and was ADORABLE and LIVELY and had a bugbite and I told my dad to tell him the bugs like to bite him so much because he’s so sweet, and The Nephew said, “I AM NOT SWEET” all seriously and then giggled and giggled. And – ready for the best news? Next Saturday, I took the day off work, because I decided I deserved a full weekend off. Guess what my mom said? “We’re going to need someone to watch The Nephew all day Saturday, because we’re going to be busy preparing for the party. Do you know anyone who’d be willing to do that?”

I WOULD BE WILLING TO DO THAT FOR SEVENTY BILLION YEARS YES PLEASE.

I get to babysit The Nephew! All day Saturday! We will play and watch television and frolic and laugh and laugh and laugh! I couldn’t be more excited if you told me I had won ALL THE PUDDING.

Oh. OH! Shit. I forgot, I wanted to make a huge huge huge shoutout. You know Ken? The great and powerful Ken, right? Ken works for a newspaper now (along with a ton of other things, because you know what Ken is? Multitasky) because he’s amazing and wonderful, and writes beautifully, and The Munich Times snapped him up, as they should have.

(SIDE NOTE: Ken’s reporting at The Munich Times is not only Amy-approved but AMY’S DAD APPROVED. My dad read one of his articles not too long ago and said, and I quote, “You tell that assassin he’s quite the journalist. This article is both fair AND balanced.” Listen, I don’t know if your dads throw out compliments like Mardi Gras beads, but mine doesn’t. He thinks compliments are only given out when a person really, really, REALLY deserves them, otherwise they are lies. Sound like anyone you know? Anyone writing this blog, perhaps? So it was totally a deserved compliment from someone who probably gives out about ten of them a year. Tops. And eight of them go to NASCAR drivers for navigating difficult turns.) Anyway, TODAY, The Munich Times goes from being an online-only publication to a print publication. Ken’s been working like a madman with his coworkers to get this off the ground, and today’s the day. So, congratulations, Ken! I am so happy for you and so proud of you. This is only the first step in a million kabillion amazing wonderful Miss-Kitty-Fantastico things that are coming to you, I just know it. I don’t think I have anyone reading this who is within the area that can actually buy one of Ken’s papers except FOR Ken, who can probably have one for free if he wants one, but if I by-chance do, please go buy a copy of The Munich Times and support Ken and his people and print journalism and also it’s very good. I’ve been reading it online for a while now and I don’t even LIVE there and it’s good, is how good it is.

Happy day! Time for bed! Even though I’m at work now as this is publishing! I know, you’re all confused. My timeline’s off, too. Whew. Imagine living in MY head. It’s CRAZY in here.


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