Category Archives: Quiz

Way to fail me in my time of need, interwebs.

I was talking to a friend the other day about guys. You know, as you do. When you’re an adult. Have the same conversations you had when you were fourteen and bored and passing notes in study hall.

We were talking about how our list of what we want in a guy changed, as we got older.

When I was young, it was all about EXCITING. I wanted a Heathcliff. I wanted the brooding and the romance and the drama.

Ooh, Ralph. Love, love, love, with the broody.

Now I kind of just want someone to watch Game of Thrones with who’d help me bring in the groceries. And also liked Dumbcat, and of course sex. And who knows how to use a semicolon, and doesn’t live in his mom’s basement. And who makes me laugh. And who I make laugh. Because I’m funny as hell, no joke.

Someone who agrees that Joffrey needs all the bitchslappery would be JUST PEACHY WITH ME.

The friend was all, “I think you need to know more of what you’re looking for than that,” and I said, “Really? I won’t just know when I meet him?” and she said she didn’t think so. I don’t know if I 100% agree with that but you can’t really say that to people because you look like a douchenozzle.

So I went to the interwebs because I thought, the interwebs will be a nice way to find out what I’m looking for, because apparently that’s something that normal people know and I don’t. I know, total surprise, right? Also, have I mentioned I have a very, very stupid heart? I have a very intelligent brain and a very stupid heart. It wants what’s bad for it. It wants all the Cheetos, this heart of mine, and none of the salad. It’s not a smart heart. Not at all.

First I found this quiz, and it seemed promising (because it said it was FOR GIRLS and I am totally A GIRL) until there were 47 billion popups. Don’t click on this quiz unless you like 47 million popups.

But it told me this is what I wanted in a guy:

You like The Populars! You have a love for those who are oh-so-smooth around you! You also love them because they know how to talk and make your heart melt! They’re perfect for you, because they also love to be cool, like you! You’re a sweet gal, so stepping up and talking to them shouldn’t be hard for you!

Um. No. No, I don’t think I do. I think that’s the opposite of what I like. Bad job, popuppy quiz.

Then I found this one, and there were a lot of typos. Listen, I’m starting to despair for the state of the interwebs. HOW ARE PEOPLE SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT WHAT THEY WANT IN A GUY IF THERE ARE ALL THE POPUPS AND TYPOS.

But it was totally smarter, yo.

YOU WANT TO DATE A GEEK! You love geeks! Not to say that you ARE one, but… I’m just saying. Anyways this is the perfect guy for you. You like school, plaid, and your family. So go ahead and don’t care what anyone says: DATE A GEEK!

“Anyways” makes me want to commit kitten-murder.

I DO like school and my family. I’m kind of meh on plaid, though.

Ooh, now THIS ONE is for GROWNUP LADIES because it is from a site with GROWNUP things on it. So this is more promising. Listen, we’re going to crack this code sooner than later, I’m promising you this right now. This one’s going to tell us what type of man I attract. I’m going to predict right now it’s homeless people who want to borrow money.

One of these questions asked where I like to go for a date. My options for answers? A dance hall (that’s still a thing? Are we also time-traveling?), a strip club (um…is it s first date, or…let’s just say no, for now), the theater for a Broadway show, or “I don’t care.” You think I answered the theater, but you’d be wrong. I said I don’t care. Because the last thing I want to do is drag some date to the theater when he doesn’t want to be there. That’d be awkward, and ruin it for everyone.

This quiz sucks and won’t give me my results unless I sign up for some spammy email shit. NO WAY CHARLIE. I guess we’ll never know what kind of men I attract. However, while taking this quiz, I stumbled upon an article called “14 Embarrassing Sex Questions” which you KNOW I had to read, I mean, you would have, too, and found out the following information:

  • Farting during sex is NORMAL and NOT FUNNY (come on, that wouldn’t make you laugh? That would make ME laugh. And if the guy I was schtupping DIDN’T laugh, that’s a sign I’m with the WRONG GUY.)
  • Having gay sex dreams doesn’t mean you ARE gay (um…someone asked this? I dreamed my finger fell off once, does that make me leprous?)
  • Cybersex does not count as cheating (really? I think I know a LOT of people who’d beg to differ on that point. I am one of them.)
  • Playboy airbrushes their centerfolds’ coochal areas (hee, what a job for someone)

These questions were less “embarrassing” than they were “stupid.” I don’t care for this website. BACK TO SOLVING MY LOVE LIFE DILEMMAS.

Now, this one is promising. Because it’s on a site called All The Tests. I like All The Things. so this will probably be very helpful.

UGH TYPOS.

Results:

You like the academics. Overachievers in school, these guys are intelligent and may edge on geeky. But, when they aren’t busy studying they will make time to adore you! Often enough, these guys are too shy to show they care, so try and be friendly towards them and something might happen.

OK, so we’re two for two on the geek set. I like that. I approve. This imaginary guy will be watching Game of Thrones with me in no time. Although I don’t know if I love that “something might happen” with this guy. That seems kind of up-in-the-air. I don’t have time to wait for him to get his shit together, dammit, I’m pretty old right now.

OK, enough with the teeny bopper bullshit. NOW WE ARE GOING TO USE SCIENCE.

This website is called PSYCH CENTRAL. I’m sure this will be very helpful. And this quiz is going to tell me what my style of romantic attachment is. HELPFUL ALREADY.

OK, this quiz says I am “fearful and shy” about relationships because I don’t want to get hurt.

WOW NICE JOB MIND-READER OF A QUIZ WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF.

Also, it wants me to put a badge on my site that says “My relationship style is Fearful and Shy” which I think would be the perfect milkshake to bring all the boys to my yard.

Now I”m just getting bored, let’s see if I have a sexual addiction.

Sigh. ZERO POINTS. UNLIKELY. I apparently am not a deviant.

OK, I have learned NOTHING today. This is just the worst. I am no closer to finding my Game of Thrones grocery-carrier sex-fella than I was when I STARTED this situation.

Oh, I totally met my future husband at work the other day but then I found out he was married with three kids so I was told I was not allowed to lust after him. He was a Doctor without BORDERS, you guys! So adorable! So when I got over him fourteen minutes later I met my NEW OTHER HUSBAND who was irreverent and wacky and looked like he knew how to repair cars. I like a guy who looks like he knows how to repair cars. I mean, I have a car, that’d be a handy skill. Also he used a long word that I’ve already forgotten so I got lustful. AND his dad apparently is a rich person so once we get married and his dad dies we’ll totally be jetting off on my European trip. But I was told that new husband hardly ever comes to my office so if I ever see him again probably it would just be a fluke and I’ve already forgotten what he looks like and also his first name so I wouldn’t even know him if I saw him. So then my coworker who was sad that all my future husbands were falling through told me she would be on the lookout for a musician for me because she thought that would be a good match for me and I said “AGREED, except make sure it’s not an asshat musician, I dated one of those once and it was nightmarish” and so that’s exciting except she’s really flaky and sometimes calls me Marnie even though I’ve known her for like six years so I think this might fall through.

SIGH.

Whatever, imaginary guy would probably just talk during Game of Thrones anyway. Then I’d have to break up with him. NO TALKING DURING TYRION UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE PUNCHED IN THE NECK YO.

*sigh* Yes, yes, Tyrion. Everything you say. Got it.

(Psst, happy birthday to my baby brother. Yes, the one who thinks you all have either one hand or are rapists. He will not be seeing this. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BROTHER. You do not care for the internet and think it is shadytown. I…think otherwise. Genetics are a funny thing, sometimes. ENJOY YOUR DAY!)


Listen, what kind of weirdo uses a funeral to pick up men, anyway?

Remember a while ago I tried to win the Reader’s Digest psychopath test and Andreas’ railroad psychopath test but I totally lost miserably because apparently I’m not a psychopath and even though that’s probably a very good thing, it’s also the saddest because I so like to win things?

WELL, exciting news, I totally got to take ANOTHER psychopath test the other day! I KNOW. How do these things keep HAPPENING to me? I don’t know. Just lucky, I guess.

So BFF sent me a message that said this the other day:

While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy that she was searching for that she fell in love with him immediately. However, she never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was. A few days later the girl killed her own sister. So… Why did she kill her sister?

OK. Now, I know you’re totally going to be the MOST EXCITED, because I’m going to give you a peek into HOW MY MIND WORKS. Ready?

(Oh, side note, first? I’m just going to put out there that I’m the worst at riddles. Just the total worst. THE WORST. Warning, warning.)

Oh, wait, I should just say, if you want to solve this on your own, do it now, before you read any further. SPOILER ALERT BEGINS AND ENDS NOW.

My mind while solving this riddle:

This is worded oddly. I assume that’s because it’s like that riddle on the Cosby Show that time about the woman who was a doctor but you were led to believe it was a man who was a doctor. OK, let’s figure this out. She met a guy at a funeral and fell in love. Well, that’s stupid. Focus up, Michael Bolton. Alright. So, she killed her sister, who heretofore had no play in this situation. Was she her OWN sister? Is that even possible? Did she kill HERSELF? Riddles like to trick you like that. Was the man she met at the funeral her dad and somehow there was some icky incest going on? No, I don’t think it’s possible to be your own sister. Is it? I don’t want to think too hard about that. It will give me the shivers. OK, wait, I think there’s something to this icky incest thing. WAIT A MINUTE. She killed her sister. It doesn’t say she KNEW it was her sister. I HAVE SOLVED THIS.

My answer to BFF:

Did she have an abortion because she slept with her dad & didn’t know he was her dad (ew?)

Then BFF didn’t send me a reply for like HALF AN HOUR. What the hell, I had to grocery shop without knowing if I was the smartest person in the whole damn WORLD. Which, clearly, I am. I mean, look at the thought process behind that answer. It is PERFECTION. Right? I clearly win riddle-solving. There’s not even a logic flaw in that answer.

BFFs answer:

No. Good thing you didn’t get it right!

Answer: She thought if the man had appeared at her mother’s funeral, then he might appear at another family funeral.

Behind the riddle:

If you guessed this one quickly, it might not be cause for celebration. It’s commonly known as ‘The Psychopath Riddle.’ According to legend, an American psychologist used this as a test to see if subjects had the same mentality as a killer.

WELL. I’m mad at this on a couple of levels. A., that OBVIOUSLY there are more than one correct answer to this, and I TOTALLY got it right and no one cares, and B., I lost another damn psychopath test. What does a person have to do to prove she’s a psychopath these days, wear a trenchcoat made of human skin and keep people in chains in her basement? I DON’T HAVE A BASEMENT YOU GUYS.

BFF nicely told me “as usual, your answer was superior” (which is why he is my BFF, sorry, you guys, THAT POSITION IS FILLED) and that I might be a little bit of a psychopath but I think that was just to appease me. Also he thinks it might prove I have the Electra complex. EW EW EW.

So I decided, because my dad totally failed Andreas’ “throwing a someone off a railroad trestle” psychopath test and I was getting a little worried, to give Dad this test to see what the solution was.

Me: I’m giving you another psychopath test.
Dad: Basketball is on.
Me: I know. I’m already out of the brackets. I don’t care about it anymore. I’m so mad that the devils and the owls aren’t going to the last two games.
Dad: And I think we can see why you’re out of the brackets so early.
Me: Here’s the test. (I read him the test.)
Dad: You did that even though I told you not to.
Me: Yeah. You knew I would, though.
Dad: Yes. Yes, I did.
Me: So? What’s your answer?
Dad: The mystery man was her dad.
Me: THAT’S WHAT I SAID!
Dad: I don’t know why she killed her sister, though. Is the answer SHE’S a psychopath?
Me: No. Well, yes. Probably. But it’s to test if we are. We apparently are not. We also are apparently not good at riddles.
Dad: I’m very good at Sudoku.
Me: I know you are.
Dad: That’s like a NUMBER riddle.
Me: I know it is.
Dad: Psychopaths could never solve a Sudoku.
Me: No. Probably not. They’re too busy killing their sisters and meeting their imaginary dads at funerals.
Dad: That’s sad, because Sudoku puzzles are really fun.
Me: Yes. Yes, they are.

So apparently it’s obvious that my dad and I think alike. But luckily he did not go further with the “it’s her dad” thing or that would have just been too icky and I could not have talked about it without showering my BRAIN.

Also, with a little research, I found out that it is not even a REAL TEST. Snopes tells us it is FALSE. Also, that the correct answer is, “She killed her sister because her mom was dead and she didn’t want to share her inheritance.”

I have to admit, that’s a very good answer, Snopes, and may well make you a psychopath.

I was super-sad. Because listen, I can NOT win a psychopath test. And I refuse to cheat, because I’m weird about cheating. So I went to Google and I was all GOOGLE FIND ME MORE PSYCHOPATH TESTS and it was all, OK AMY YOU WEIRDO.

And I found THIS. And listen, this is the best thing. This is totally going to solve this for me, I just know it.

This test doesn’t say what I’m supposed to do, so I suppose I just answer these? AWESOME I WILL WIN THIS.

  1. You live in an apartment building (about 10~15 stories). You were a student studying for an exam, but decided to take some rest. You looked out the window and witnessed a man killing a girl. The man saw you and moved his finger in a certain motion. Just from the information given, what do you think the man was doing with his finger?
    Making the “slitting my throat with his finger” gesture. Right? That’s what killers do when someone sees them. I know. I watch a lot of old movies.
  2. Someone is in front of you. Who is that person?
    Um. I don’t…what does this mean? No one is in front of me. I’m sitting at my computer. Is this…am I imagining someone is in front of me? OK, I guess I can imagine that. I imagine that a young Joaquin Phoenix is in front of me. Before he got weird. Then I tap him on the shoulder, he turns, and we make out. Am I winning this yet? 
  3. There is a portrait of a man who went to war. He was injured in two places. Where was he injured? (List the two places he was injured.)
    This test is confusing. Why would I know this? Why would a war vet have a portrait done? People still get portraits done? Like, an oil painting? Or a photo? Did he go to Olan Mills? That place is a scam, seriously. By the time you actually get in there, you end up wanting to stab your whole family and you all have madfaces. OK, well, it’s a portrait, so that assumes his head and shoulders. I’m going to say he’s missing an eye, and has an eyepatch, like a pirate. And has a scar on his cheek, which makes him look badass. But the other eye looks kind, and he’s kind of smiling.
  4. A little boy received a bike and a soccer ball for presents. But the boy hated them. Why didn’t the boy like the two presents?
    I totally know this one. Because he asked for a musical instrument but his parents thought that was too girly, so instead, to toughen him up, they bought him boy-toys, but he really, really, REALLY wanted something else. Right? 
  5. You’re a thief. You broke into someone’s house. The owner of the house saw you; you have no choice but to kill the owner. But the owner hid inside the closet. How are you going to kill the owner?
    You shoot through it? You open it and kill them? I don’t know. That closet door seems like not much of an impediment. It’s not like they’re locked in a safe room made of platinum.
  6. You’re a twin (and you’re a girl). You were born before your twin sister. Your grandma recently passed away and you guys had to hold a funeral for her. At the funeral, you saw a handsome, young man. You fell deeply in love him… But, you killed your twin sister. Why did you kill your twin sister?
    WHAT? SAMESIES! We already KNOW this one. Obviously, it’s to get her half of the inheritance. WINNING! 
  7. You live in an apartment. You were watching TV, but someone was knocking hard on the door. You looked through the peephole and there was a man who was holding a knife. What are you going to do?
    Quietly tiptoe back up the stairs, call the cops, and wait for them to show up? I don’t know. It’s not like he can get in or anything. My door’s always locked. A knife is a very stupid weapon, and if he was serious about murder he wouldn’t be waving it around. He’d hide it until I opened the door. DUH, KILLER.
  8. You’re the youngest member of the family. You saw your mom, dad, brother, sister, etc. die right in front of your eyes. But you stood still or did nothing. Why did you?
    Etc.? I don’t even know how many family members I have? Well, apparently I’m in a coma and also am not mentally aware of how many family members I have. I’m in bad shape. You should cut me some slack. 
  9. You were very thirsty. You decided to get a drink from the vending machine. What color drink did you choose?
    Clear. I can’t drink anything from vending machines but water.

HERE WE GO SKIPPY!

1. Normal: Memorizing your face to kill you.
Psychopath: Counting what floor you live in.

I didn’t answer either of these. What does THAT mean? Also, the psychopath answer is very smart. I wish I’d thought of that. And what kind of finger gesture does someone make to memorize a FACE? That’s just dumb.

2. Normal: Murderer/Criminal
Psychopath: a landowner

WTF does this even MEAN? Neither of these are Joaquin Phoenix. Wait, I think Joaquin Phoenix got kicked out of a club when he was being a rapper that time, which makes him a criminal. But I bet he’s also a landowner. He’s got money. SHIT THIS IS THE WORST.

3. Normal: Whatever the psychopath didn’t say…
Psychopath: Eyes and chest

I am apparently half a psychopath. Or I just really like pirates.

4. Normal: Already own it or hate it
Psychopath: Doesn’t have legs

HA HA HA HA THE PSYCHOPATH ANSWER IS HILARIOUS YOU GUYS! No, seriously, I wish I’d thought of that. I totally would have answered that way had I thought of that. Also, what kind of torturous asshole gives a legless child a ball or a bike? THAT’S your psychopath.

5. Normal: Stick a knife inside and kill the owner.
Psychopath: Wait in front of the closet until the owner comes out.

Um…”stick a knife inside?” That’s stupid. Are you assuming the door has louvers? What if it doesn’t? Do you have one of those Ginsu knives that can cut a tin can AND a tomato? And listen, I don’t think psychopaths are patient enough to wait in front of closets indefinitely, do you?

6. Normal: To see that handsome, young man again.
Psychopath: To have that man all to yourself.

OR TO HAVE THE INHERITANCE ALL TO YOURSELF. Screw the man. You can BUY a man with that inheritance. Snopes SAID so.

7. Normal: Do not open the door.
Psychopath: Open the door, take the knife away from the man and stab him.

STFU, no one would say that psychopath answer. NO ONE. Come right on. Who wrote this? Even Chuck Norris wouldn’t open a door and take away someone’s knife. That’s a stupid move.

8. Normal: You were going to die anyway, too.
Psychopath: Because you were bribed.

Bribed? Who bribes someone to stay quiet while they murder their family with an undetermined number of members? What do you bribe them with? Oh, shit, wait, it was pudding, wasn’t it? No one mentioned pudding. That really throws a wrench in the works. Or, as Andreas would say, a “spanner.” I’m so starting to say that instead of wrench. It’s so much fancier.

9. Normal: Red, blue, orange, etc.
Psychopath: White, clear

YES. I FINALLY got one of these right. But why, though? Psychopaths only drink milk and water? Doctors RECOMMEND you only drink milk or water. They’re GOOD for you. Are all DOCTORS psychopaths?

I think I just got 2/9 or so on this. And that was with loading the answers on some of them.

Dammit. I am NEVER winning this, not ever. I cleared a spot on my shelf for the trophy and everything.

FINE. I know my limitations. I’ll just be over here grumping. DON’T MIND ME. I’m just TOTALLY NOT A PSYCHOKILLER, that’s all.

Sigh.


My seasons in the sun are fading. I think it’s like, late fall for my seasons in the sun. THANKS SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE.

When I was a totally angsty teen with very tall Aquanet bangs and a regrettable perm (SHUT UP IT WAS THE 80s AND SOME OF THE 90s) there was nothing I liked more than Seventeen magazine. It was just the best. It taught you all the smart things: how to dress, how to get guys to like you, what to do in difficult situations like if you caught your BFF smoking dope in the bathroom. VERY HELPFUL.

The best things were the quizzes. My friends and I would just obsess over these quizzes. We’d get the magazine and we’d all huddle around each other in study hall and think VERY SERIOUSLY about our answers and then score them on scrap paper like we were taking the SAT and wait none-too-patiently for our results and then discuss our results. VERY SERIOUS STUFF, this. Like, “Does He Like Me More Than a Friend?” And “What Will I Be When I Grow Up?” and “What Haircut Is Best for Me?” I mean, seriously. HOW were we supposed to plan our lives without Seventeen quizzes?

So today I was thinking, probably I need help, let’s see if Seventeen quizzes can help me out. I totally have a lot of questions. Seventeen was always so helpful, yo.

Um. Apparently I am very, very old. Or Seventeen got really stupid. Or a little of both. I think I failed all the Seventeen quizzes today.

What started all of this was that I was typing in “How to…” into Google to look something up and you know how it autofills shit and sometimes it’s hysterical? One of the things that popped up was “How to Make Out.” What? People worry about this? Was I supposed to worry about this? I just did it, I mean, back when I used to do it. Not NOW. I’m not doing it NOW. Grumble. ANYWAY. Was I doing it wrong all those years ago? I mean, no one COMPLAINED. But I didn’t go online and look up HELPFUL TIPS, either. SHIT. Now I feel like I probably should have had a makeout to-do list and I let a lot of people down. Dammit.

So one of the results was a Seventeen quiz about “What is Your Kissing Style.” Well! I mean, I’ve gone almost forty years without knowing what my kissing style is. Probably I should figure that out. I mean, the next time I’m on a date and I start having ALL THE SEX that’s totally right around the corner according to Dr. Ernie probably that imaginary boyfriend’s going to be all, “Amy, what is your kissing style, I don’t date just any yahoo WHAT IF OUR KISSING STYLE IS NOT SYMPATICO” and what if I didn’t know the answer? That would be alarming. And who even knew there were STYLES? A-LAR-MING.

So you KNOW I had to take the quiz.

After asking me some totally weirdo questions, one of which was squeeing about Pattison and Twilight and sparkly vampires (I don’t like the direction Seventeen is going with this) I found out this:

“You’re a Phi Beta Kisser! When it comes to kissing, you’re at the head of the class! You’re kissing M.O. is simple: Smooch well and smooch often, even if it’s on your first date with a guy! As long as you keep things from getting too heated up, why not have a little fun?”

I think Seventeen just called me a cocktease. A sorority cocktease.

Then I was totally pissed at Seventeen for implying I was a cocktease (SEVENTEEN, it’s like you don’t know me at ALL, I TOTALLY put out) so they recommended I take some Hunger Games quizzes. I like The Hunger Games. I’ll totally take some Hunger Games quizzes, Seventeen.

So first they wanted to know what Hunger Games character I should date. Well, really the only viable answer is Haymitch. Because anyone else would be jailbait. I was fairly sure that Seventeen would figure this out about me, because Seventeen is nothing if not savvy.

SEVENTEEN TOTALLY FIXED ME UP WITH PEETA.

OK, fine, I’m all about Team Peeta, but not to DATE him. I’d like to feed him a cookie and tell him to stay in school, Seventeen. I’m old enough to be his MOM. Seriously, Seventeen, I’m starting to doubt your veracity.

However, I’m not taking any more of these Hunger Games quizzes, Seventeen, they’re creeping me out.

But I was NOT DAUNTED. Next Seventeen indicated that I should take a quiz to find out which “HGP” was right for me. What’s a HGP? I don’t know. Research tells me it is “Hot Guy Panelist.” Um. I don’t think this is going to end well at all. BUT I PERSEVERE. It’s what I DO. There’s isn’t a dead horse between here and Antarctica I haven’t beaten into submission, seriously. One time Ken gave me an AWARD for it. SHUT RIGHT UP. It was NICE of him. It’s because I LOVE awards. And he KNOWS that. Even for horse-beating. That is NOT A EUPHEMISM.

Now, already, on the first page of this thing, it asked me what my dream date was, and I sat here for like three minutes confused by one of the answers. Answer C was “You like your date to go all out — candals, mood music, dancing, the whole works!” And I was all, “What the hell is a candal? Is it a sandal? Why would he bring me sandals? Or am I wearing sandals? I hate wearing sandals, I never do that, toes are ick. Or is HE wearing sandals? If this asshat can’t even be bothered to put on real shoes for our dream date, we are SO OVER.” But then I realized it was “candles.” Who is writing these things? I could do a better job with my eyes pecked out by a flock of sparrows.

Then on the next page, it wanted me to describe my “flirting style.” Since my “flirting style” is pretty much to ignore the object of my affection and be confused why they don’t psychically understand I want them, and that wasn’t one of my choices, I was forced to choose something else. Some of my choices were “baking for him” (um…I’m not Betty Crocker, make your own damn brownies, lazy) and “writing your crush a song” (hee! Yep! That would TOTALLY get him for me. I am SO the next Sondheim. I would totally throw in jazz hands which would NOT AT ALL scare him off!) I chose “showing off your smarts.” I think that could be interpreted as “sitting in a corner ignoring him until he gets the psychic call I want him to lick me like a summertime popsicle,” right?

Then it wanted to know if I have a big date, what I wear. THIS IS SO MUCH WORK. One of my choices was “A flirty dress and ballet falts.” WHAT THE HELL IS A BALLET FALT. I am not impressed with your copyediting skillzzzz, Seventeen. I don’t remember this being that bad when I WAS seventeen. And I was a totally snotty spellchecker even then.

Then Seventeen won my love again by having one of the options for “what is your biggest turnoff” be “bad grammar” because you KNOW it totally is. Well, that and being a psychokiller but that wasn’t an option.

Then Seventeen told me this was my dream date.

I feel dirty right now. This is distressing.

THIS BOY IS LIKE TWELVE.

He doesn’t even have any CHEST HAIR. I mean, come ON. Also, what’s with that HAT? It looks like one of those hats you get free with purchase if you buy really shitty beer or an oil change at Jiffy Lube or something. Also, too many lady-necklaces and bracelets. I AM NOT IMPRESSED WITH THIS CHILD SEVENTEEN. Even if he DOES list “people who screw up your and you’re” as his biggest turn-off. Aw, Hector. Stay in school, here’s a cookie.

Well, I have just had enough. There was a whole section of “Vampire Quizzes” and I know ALL THE THINGS about vampires but much to my chagrin they were all Twilight-related. THERE ARE OTHER VAMPIRES IN THE WORLD SEVENTEEN. Even my new friend Hector probably knows that.

So THEN I thought, Seventeen! You are NOT helpful NOT AT ALL. So I will MAKE YOU BE HELPFUL. I found a quiz about “Could you Date Justin Bieber?” If Seventeen says yes I can? Then Seventeen is DEAD to me. You all KNOW I could not date La Biebs. His lips are too red and moist, I’ve TOLD you this. They squick me OUT.

I’m already having a really bad feeling about this. None of the options are “Does Justin Bieber squick you out?” Also it’s asking me questions I can’t answer honestly. Like, “Which MTV reality show is your favorite?” and I’ve never SEEN any of them but I have to answer this or I can’t go on to the next page and is getting really mad at me all, “please answer question four PLEASE ANSWER QUESTION FOUR” and I hate when people or webpages yell at me. Also, it wants to know which of these three teen girls I want to hang out with and has photos and names and the only one I’ve ever heard of is Miley Cyrus and I KNOW I don’t want to hang out with her because she annoys me but I don’t know who the other two are. I AM VERY WORRIED I’M GOING TO LOSE THIS QUIZ.

I AM JUSTIN BIEBER’S PROM DATE. SEVENTEEN SAYS I HAVE TO GO TO THE PROM WITH THE BIEBS.

OK, I’m thinking that probably NONE of the answers were “you can’t date Justin Bieber” because then there would be a rash of teen suicides. Right? And who wants that, so much mess to clean up. But I don’t want to go to the prom with the Biebs. First, is he even 18? I think I’d be arrested. Second, THOSE LIPS UGH they look like FRUIT ROLLUPS. Third, the blurb where I won this date with Justin Bieber says that I am a “girly girl to the core” (what? I KNEW I picked the wrong teen girl to want to hang with) and that on our date we would be “spend(ing) serious quality time together (slow dancing, anyone?)” I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS I THINK I HAVE A PRIOR ENGAGEMENT THAT NIGHT WHAT IF HE TRIED TO TOUCH ME WITH THOSE RED RED LIPS THEY’RE LIKE CLOWN LIPS SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY.

I know I said Seventeen was dead to me but now I have to have one more palate-cleanser to get the thought of being forced to attend the prom with Justin Bieber out of my head.

Are you Emotionally Ready for Sex. AWESOME. I’ve always wondered. (They would NEVER, BTW, have had this quiz when I was a kid reading Seventeen. They were so not talking about sex in Seventeen in the late 80s/early 90s. They pretended we were all anatomically built like Barbies and Kens back then.)

Um…this test is bogus. One of the questions is, “What’s the reason you want to have sex” and my options are “I really love him and he really loves me,” “All my friends are doing it,” or “He’s pressuring me to.” THERE NEEDS TO BE A D. “Because sex is awesomesauce, momma.” Sheesh.

YAHOO. Seventeen totally thinks I’m ready to go all the way. This is fortuitous news! But it thinks I need to talk it over with a parent first. Probably I should call my dad. I think he’d love to have this conversation again and it would not at ALL give him flashbacks to when I was seventeen and he found out the FIRST time and there was all the screaming and yelling and crying. Cool cool cool I’ll call him tonight this won’t be awkward at ALL. THANKS SEVENTEEN!

Well, what have we learned today, ladies and gentlemen?

Seventeen is NOT GEARED TOWARD OLD PEOPLE who totally found enough white hairs on their head today that they have a little skunk-stripey thing going on that is the most awesome and they love it but probably other people won’t love it as much as they do.

Or people who like things to be typo-free.

Or people who don’t like Twilight.

Or people who think Justin Bieber’s mouth looks like the mouth of the Flukeman from The X-Files.

Would you rather go to the prom with this...

...or this? The answer is obviously "I'd stay home and play videogames."

I HAVE OUTGROWN SEVENTEEN QUIZZES YOU GUYS.

This is just the worst, no fooling. Shit. Sorry. I have to go. I have to go prom-dress shopping, I think probably if I don’t go soon I’ll end up with the leftover dregs. Does anyone know what Flukeman Bieber wants me to wear to prom? Anyone? Sigh. This is just going to be the worst date ever, and one time I went out with a guy who had just gone off his meds and kept threatening to jump off this footbridge all night but the footbridge was only about a foot high (ha! FOOTbridge, get it?) so I kind of wanted to be all “whatever, go for it” but that seemed rude because he was threatening suicide and all. See what it’s come to, Seventeen? SEE WHAT YOU DID? Shame on you, Seventeen. SHAME.


“Apparently I’ve pleasured the swim team while jacked up on goofballs.”

Hello and happy Saturday! I totally have exciting and important posts in the works that require RESEARCH and HARD WORK but instead today we’re going to talk about sex. I KNOW TOTAL LETDOWN.

So I was playing around online (what? me? never) the other day and then started thinking about Veronica Mars (what, you don’t randomly start thinking of Veronica Mars here and there throughout your day? Shame on you) and then I thought of that purity test episode? “Like a Virgin?” From Season One? Did anyone but me watch Veronica Mars? Probably not, it got cancelled WHOO DOGIES FAST.

OK, so in the episode, people would take this purity test and then a computer hacker was selling the results and it was very embarrassing. Or maybe the results were fabricated. I don’t know. It’s been a while. I really need to rewatch it.

So then I thought, because I have ADD and SHINY, you know what, I think once I tried to take one of those purity tests, but then I kind of got bored because there were a kajillion questions so I quit. And, what was so embarrassing in those tests, I mean, kids are totally having sex when they’re like fetuses nowadays. LET’S TAKE A PURITY TEST.

And I’ll totally post my results online. Because I’m not embarrassed that I’m alternately a total whore and a completely frigid bitch.

So I decided to take this one, because there was a huge devil on the main page, and that seemed legit. Also, it gave me the option of the 1,000 question test or the 200 question test. Listen, I love you all like wildfire but I’m so not taking a 1,000 question ANYTHING, even if it would be a funny blog. I have old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy to cry over, here, I can’t just be effing around online all the hours of the day.

Also, it’s “unisex and omnisexual” which is a little worrisome but all-inclusive so that’s nice.

FIRST PAGE: Platonic Relations.

Really? That seems like a stupid place to start. Probably I’ll win this part.

After I finished that section, I was 98% pure. Hmm. Winning? I’m not sure yet. The questions were stupid and one asked if I ever shared a sleeping bag with someone without boning them. NO. Sleeping bags are HOT. I’m not getting in one of those with ANYONE. I don’t even like to get into them with myself. SO HOT. Also, I’m a restless sleeper, I’d end up strangling myself or the bonee.

SECOND PAGE: Auto-erotica and mono-sexualism.

Um. So masturbation, then? You couldn’t just say that? No? Sorry, sorry, I’m asking too many questions, carry on.

An actual question: “Have you ever bought blatant sexual objects? (This means that if you buy a bottle of Coke and you use it as a dildo, it really doesn’t count. Think: design and function.)” WHAT? COKE IS FOR DRINKING. People are doing this? Ow.

Second confusing actual question: “Have you ever made an X- or R-rated snowman/snowwoman?” Really? That seems like a huge waste of time. Also, it’s cold, and kids could see that, so maybe be less of the neighborhood creeper, thanks.

92% pure. I’m either totally winning or totally losing this, I’m not sure yet.

THIRD PAGE: Legislative misfits and other ethical questions.

Ooh! I am EXCITED ALREADY. I love ethics and the legislature! Although what they have to do with my purity I’m not quite sure. This is a lot more boring and confusing than I’d expected.

Ugh, forget it, they have NOTHING to do with the legislature. They want to know if I’m a whore and/or a thief and/or listen to other people screwing without them knowing it. This test is the suck. I WISH I was listening to someone having sex right now, seriously.

At the end of that I’m 89.5% pure. I kind of said no to everything in that section because it was all weirdo “have you ever stolen condoms from your Dad?” questions. NO THANKS SLAPPY.

FOURTH PAGE: Drugs.

Yay?

Hee, they want to know if I’ve used “Spanish fly.” YES. I am starring in a teen romp!

85.5% pure now. I kind of said yes to almost everything in the drugs section except maybe the Spanish fly thing. SORRY MOM.

FIFTH PAGE: Non-platonic.

How about “non-coma-inducing.” You’d think a purity test would be a little more titillating.

Oh, this one’s all “have you ever done mutual petting” and then leads up to naughtiness. NOW WE’RE GETTING TO IT PURITY TEST.

Also, there’s this: “Have you ever had sex with someone whose name you did not know, or whose face you never saw?” Well, I mean, there are all those Eyes Wide Shut parties I go to, DO YOU MEAN THOSE?

Also, it wants to know if I ever had sex with the Pope? I might have. I mean, you never know who’s behind those masks at the Eyes Wide Shut parties.

Shit, now I’m 73.5% pure. Is this going well? I can’t tell. Would it be going better if I’d said I HAD had sex with the Pope?

SIXTH PAGE: Non-Primary Choice Relations.

I have no effing idea what that even means.

Oh, wait, shit, I didn’t even read the instructions. I was all “THESE ARE THE SAME AS THE LAST PAGE” but I’m supposed to pretend they’re with a GIRL.

Why didn’t they just say “Pretend you’re with someone you don’t want to bump uglies with” at the top or something? This is getting totally difficult and I think might be trying to trick me. I WILL NOT BE FOOLED, PURITY TEST.

I’m still 73.5% pure. Apparently, kissing a girl for like .004 seconds in college didn’t even count for anything. DAMMIT YOU STRINGENT PURITY TEST.

SEVENTH PAGE: Alternate Choices.

That sounds like the school you’d be sent to if all the other schools kicked you out.

ZOMG they want to know if I had sex with a dead horse in this section. That’s certainly a choice. And it’s alternate. I’m going to say no to that one.

Also: “Have you ever practiced role-playing? (nurse-patient, teacher-student, border guard-well endowed co-ed, etc.)” What the hell? “Border guard-well endowed co-ed?” That’s a thing? That seems oddly specific and totally hysterical. I don’t think I could play that without cracking up halfway through. That would ruin the mood, right? Does the well-endowed co-ed crack up halfway through the border guard’s patdown?

I’m now 73% pure. I didn’t get a lot of questions right in that section. The dead horse thing made me totally nervous.

EIGHTH PAGE: Group Sexual Relations.

Can I just tell you right now I will end up with a 73% without even having READ any of the questions? No? FINE. I’m doing this for SCIENCE.

It wants to know if I ever walked in on people having sex – which it calls “committing an OOPS” – then joined in on the “OOPS.” That’s totally rude, what is this, a French film? NO, TEST. NO ONE DOES THAT.

Yep. As I thought. Still 73% pure. I don’t even like ONE person touching me very much, I can’t imagine I’d like MORE than one. Ugh.

NINTH PAGE: Extracurricular Deviant Conduct: Non-Sentient Objects

This is totally going to ask me about that Coke bottle again.

And! First question! COKE BOTTLE. Seriously, stop it. OUCH.

It also wants to know if I’ve ever used a ball gag. Now, listen, I totally have? But it was in a play, and I was the props mistress, and I had to put it on the guy every night? So probably that’s not what they mean. But it still makes me laugh that, YES, technically, I TOTALLY HAVE. Deviant!

72% pure. And 100% bored. This is totally taking my whole life to complete.

TENTH PAGE: Extracurricular Deviant Conduct: Locality

Let me guess. You want to know if I took my Coke bottle outside.

Mostly this wanted to know if I’ve ever done ANYTHING, including “neck” (WHO EVEN SAYS THAT ANYMORE GRANDMA) in places like boats, churches, trucks, snowbanks, and rooftops. I totally won this section.

69% pure. Told you. I used to make out ALL OVER THE PLACE. I totally made out in a church once. And a boat. I know, I was all teens-gone-wild for a while. It was all very Lifetime Movies for Women.

ELEVENTH PAGE: Extracurricular Deviant Conduct: Style

If this asks “Have you ever had sex then done jazz hands” I’m giving myself a gajillion points. That’s STYLE, baby.

Ooh, this is the last section. That’s totally exciting.

OK, this one wants to know if you like people to pee on you. That’s not STYLE. That’s MESSY.

Final answer: 65% pure.

So is that winning? Seriously, in order to get this lower, you have to do some really weird porn-star stuff. I’m not jazzed about that.

There’s a nice list of people on the side-scroll whose scores are presented. Depending on how we score, I am doing either better or worse than “ForeverAlone” who has 93% (aw! babe! You can totally fix that by the second page, that’s so sad!) “DJ Rayray” has 33.6%, which makes me worried about him and he’s totally outside my house building a naughty snowperson AS WE SPEAK, isn’t he, and someone named “NOT BAD FOR A VIRGIN, EH?” got 75.4%. Not bad, Canadian virgin. NOT BAD AT ALL. If by “bad” you mean “whatever these scores mean because I am totally confused and I think I’m totally too old to have taken this test.”

What have we learned, interwebs?

  • Purity tests are kind of the suck;
  • It IS possible to be bored shitless by something sex-related, who knew;
  • If something has the devil on the front page it doesn’t mean it’s going to be interesting;
  • The kids on Veronica Mars were making a big deal out of nothing and I probably need to do a rewatch because it isn’t really clear to me why they were bugshit crazy over this;
  • People seriously need to think about things before they use them for purposes other than what they were designed for (Coke bottles? I’m going to have nightmares about this, I swear)
  • I’m never going to be able to hear the phrase “don’t beat a dead horse” without laughing like a moron EVER AGAIN.

Enjoy your Saturday, my little perverty ruffians! Watch out for naughty snowpeople!


He is the Cat that walks by himself, and all places are alike to him.

This is my favorite cat-related illustration in the world ever ever EVER. You're welcome!

Well! Here we are. Friday again! How did this happen? How exciting. I did not put an exclamation point after that last sentence because I wasn’t feeling it. Sorry. I’ll try harder next time. Here. Let’s do it again. HOW EXCITING ZOMG!!!1!! There, don’t you all feel better? I know I do.

So someone sent me this Reader’s Digest slideshow thingy about cat people versus dog people the other day. Now listen, Reader’s Digest told me a couple months ago that I wasn’t a psychopath, so that was really nice of Reader’s Digest. But that was Reader’s Digest Canada, and this link was from Reader’s Digest AMERICA, so I don’t know, should I even trust it? I mean, we know we can trust the Canadian Reader’s Digest but the American Reader’s Digest might be full of shadiness and bad reader-submitted jokes.

But I thought, LISTEN, ME (I talk to myself in all-caps, sometimes, does this surprise you? Didn’t think so) LISTEN, YOU CANNOT DISCOUNT READER’S DIGEST AMERICA JUST BECAUSE OF THE LAME JOKES.  So I clicked on the link. And I didn’t even get a virus! Isn’t that nice. There were a lot of really lame stock photos, but I can ignore those. I just imagine, when I see really lame stock photos, they’re animals wearing clothing or smoking? And that cheers me up immensely.

So according to Reader’s Digest AMERICA (I think it’s important we specify between the two, don’t you?) there are some fundamental differences between cat and dog people. Well, other than the main one, which is the dog people have dogs and the cat people have cats. Obvs.

The problem I have, going into this, is that I’m an ALL-animal person, who just happens to be in a lifestyle situation where having a dog would be irresponsible. I mean, I could have a dog, but I’m never home, and my place is very, very small. So is that fair to a dog? No, not really. But I love dogs. Also fish, reptiles, amphibians, small mammals, and pretty much all pets except birds annoy the piss out of me with their peckiness and squawkiness. So I GUESS I’m a cat person? But also a dog person, were I to win the lottery or something. I AM TORN.

HERE I MADE YOU A LIST.

Cat people are more likely to be introverts. Well, see, right here we have a problem. I’m torn. I’m a bipolar introvert. It depends on the day. Some days, I want to talk and have everyone pay attention to me me me ME and some days I want to eat my sandwich while hiding under a table in the file room. It’s unpredictable. So am I having cat-person days some days and dog-person days other days?

Cat people are less likely to have pop songs as their cellphone ringtones. OK, yeah, good, totally. No, I don’t have a pop song as my ringtone. I have one of the stock things that came with my phone as my ringtone. Because I don’t like paying for shit. Who wants to pay for some pop song as their ringtone? Especially because I never have my ringer on so it would be a silly waste of money that I’m saving up toward a new computer so I can blog better and faster and more more more. SIDE NOTE: one of the doctors we answer for at my part-time job has “Dr. Feelgood” as his ringback tone. It is inappropriate and hysterical every time I call him.

Cat people are more likely to cling to their friends at parties. Or not go to parties, because they KNOW they’d be clinging to their friends, and this would ANNOY their friends, and therefore they would LOSE their friends, so they stay home because that seems safer all around. I mean, hypothetically, of course. I don’t know anyone like this at all.

Cat people are more likely, if they were to come across an abandoned litter of kittens, to attempt to rescue the kittens, as opposed to dog people, who would call animal control. Well, it really depends on the situation, now doesn’t it? Where did you come across these kittens? Are they somewhere safe, like on your doorstep in a liquor box? Or are they tied to a train track or dangling over a precipice? Because as much as I like kittens, I’m not risking my life for them. I mean, don’t get MAD, kittens are SHINY, but I don’t know those kittens. Those are STRANGER kittens. I mean, if it was Dumbcat, sure I’d risk my life for him, he’s my boy. But I’m not risking my life for stranger kittens. That’s what animal control is for.

Cat people are more likely to have a graduate degree. I DO HAVE THAT. Now do a study how many cat people are drowning in student loan debt, Reader’s Digest America. DO IT I SAID.

Cat people are more likely to name George Harrison as their favorite Beatle (as opposed to dog people, who would name Paul McCartney.) What the holy hell? Why isn’t John Lennon on this list? Neither of these people are my favorite Beatle, I mean, they’re FINE, I don’t DISLIKE them, I just don’t LOVE THEM LIKE I LOVE MY JOHN LENNON. What kind of animal do I have to like to have John Lennon as my favorite Beatle? Penguins? Kookaburras? Cheetahs? I’ll do it, JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.

Cat people are more likely to be active on Twitter. If by “active” you mean “totally obsessed to the point of letting other things in your life take a backseat like reading, watching television, and going to bed in a timely fashion,” then I’ve got this one.

Cat people are less likely to think of zoos as happy places. Well, what kind of zoo are we talking about here? Like, a clean, happy zoo, where the animals look well-fed and like life is happy-times? Or the kind of zoo that smells like poo when you enter and the bears have to dance in tutus for your amusement and the camels look rabid because they’re covered in saliva? Because NO ONE thinks those zoos are enjoyable, NO ONE NO ONE. (SIDE NOTE! I got my tickets for Florida yesterday! Kookaburras, I will be conquering you in three and a half months! Oh, also margaritas. MARGARITAS AND KOOKABURRAS HERE I COME!)

Cat people are more likely to enjoy ironic humor and puns (as opposed to dog people, who are more likely to enjoy impressions and slapstick humor.) Listen, have we talked about how much I hate slapstick humor? I call it “falling.” When I have to read a play like that for submission at my theater, the people there that know me best know I won’t like it, because it has “too much falling.” I.e., “Amy will hate this play. It’s a falling play. Amy hates falling plays.” I also hate plays with: mistaken identity, too many doors that slam, things that happen too quickly, people that get out of breath, people that mime smoking, people who have to change clothing too quickly, men dressed as women for laughs, and people who are afraid of homosexuals for laughs. Oh, and mostly everything that Neil Simon (too much falling), David Mamet (uses the word “fuck” as if it’s the word “the”) write, and I’m love/hate with Edward Albee (why are you so WEIRD sometimes, Albee?). So I’m a joy at play selection committee, let me tell you.  Wait, I totally went off-topic. YES. This one is TRUE. I HATE FALLING.

Both dog and cat people are equally likely to talk to all animals, have a four-year college degree, and dislike animal-print clothing. I DO talk to all animals. This includes INSECTS. I know, I know, those aren’t really animals. I still talk to them. I mean, the good ones. I don’t talk to effing fruit flies, what, do you think I’m nuts? There are too many of them, it’d be like talking to a CROWD. Sheesh. Yes, I have a four-year degree, we already discussed this. AND NO ONE LIKES ANIMAL-PRINT CLOTHING. OK, fine, someone must, because things like this keep happening:

Why are there two of her? No no no.

But no one SHOULD. Because it is WORRISOME. Animals should have animal prints. NOT PEOPLE.

OK, so then I thought, well! I like research, let’s look further into this situation. So I Googled that shit (SIDE NOTE! ZOMG, don’t I have a lot of these today? My lovely friend Elaine4Queen found me this the other day and I love her for it SO EFFING MUCH, you really need to click, I can’t put a screen cap of it because it doesn’t have the same impact, I PROMISE YOU WON’T GET A VIRUS! You probably all know about it already, I’m always like twenty years behind on things.) (ZOMG ANOTHER SIDE NOTE! Speaking of twenty years behind on the interwebs! Last night I was watching the local 8pm news show that talks about Albany politics? And at the end, they talk about interesting things they found on Twitter? And they mentioned this new Ryan Gosling “Hey Girl” Tumblr, but this time it’s about politics – LOVE, sorry, I know they’re stupid, but I can’t get enough of them – and the chick on the news, who is SO SERIOUS ALL THE TIME was all, “Well, I don’t think these are real Ryan Gosling quotes, I don’t know how interested in New York politics he is, I mean, he was in Schenectady this summer filming The Place Beyond the Pines, but that doesn’t mean he took an interest in Albany politics at that time, I guess it just goes to show you that there’s room for everything on the internet” all with her serious face on. So I am NOT the only person who is totally far behind everyone else when it comes to knowing memes on the interwebs! And I laughed until I almost cried.) (LAST SIDE NOTE IN THIS PARAGRAPH! On Revenge this week, Emily totally said “interwebs.” It made my WEEK.)

So I found THIS article about cat people versus dog people. It’s kind of sciency. I mean, not the MOST sciency, just kind of more sciency than Reader’s Digest AMERICA.

In this article, we learned that:

Dog people are more conscientious than cat people. That’s rude, I’m totally conscientious. Screw you twice, article.

Cat people are more spontaneous and trusting. I am neither of these things and I hate people that are. So far this article is kind of full of fail.

Cat people are more neurotic, open, and artistic. Neurotic? I guess. Sometimes. WHY WHAT ARE PEOPLE SAYING ABOUT ME. Open? No, not really. Artistic? Well, I guess creative, more so than artistic. This one’s only half-full of fail.

Cat people are less emotionally warm. It depends if I like you. If I like you, I’m warm. If I hate you, or if I used to like you, and then you betrayed me or someone I love, well, look out, cold front’s a’comin’.

Cat owners are more likely to live alone, in an apartment, and be single. FOREVER ALOOOOOONE.

Then the article kept saying I needed to take this “Big 5” personality test to see where I fit in these five categories she kept yammering on about, and you know what I love more than almost anything, but not more than chocolate, is personality tests, so I of course found it and took it.

So this test tests you to see how you average out against everyone else who’s taken it in five areas: extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism, and openness. I read these and immediately was all I’M TOTALLY GOING TO FAIL THIS AREN’T I.

Well! Let’s tally the votes, Probst-style!

I am 0.1 points less extraverted than the average person. This seems…low? Really low. I must have been feeling extraverted when I took the test or something. It says I have the tendency to “seek out stimulation though the company of others.” By “others,” do they mean the imaginary people on the interwebs, or the people on my television? Then YES I WIN this.

I am 0.3 points less agreeable than the average person. Again, this seems low. I’m totally disagreeable. I mean, sometimes I PRETEND to be agreeable but inside I’m making a bitchface. Also a lot of times outside. I’m getting the feeling this test is flawed.

I am 0.1 points more conscientious than the average person. HA SUCK IT ARTICLE. I TOLD you I was conscientious. 0.1 MORE than average, baby! I like PLANNING! I hate SPONTANEITY! If I say I will BE somewhere, I WILL BE THERE! 0.1 really doesn’t represent that I’m totally reliable because I AM.

I am 0.4 points less neurotic than the average person. Um. Again? This test seems flawed. You can ask my BFF W., he will tell you that probably this test is flawed. Because W. is, as my BFF, the person who gets my neurotic late-in-the-evening texts. So I think W. would be the person who would better give me a score in neuroticism, and I think his score would be “Amy gets a 1,000,000.” Also, I like that in the description of this trait it says “this trait is also known as emotional instability.” HA HA HA YES.

I am 1.5 points more open to new experiences than the average person. I hate new experiences. They often are not as good as old experiences, and let you down by looking like a good idea at the time, but really they are not. This seems suspect. Oh, no, wait, I just read the description, and it says that it means that I like “art, emotion, adventure, unusual ideas, imagination, curiosity, and variety of experience” and that  “people who are open to experience are intellectually curious, appreciative of art, and sensitive to beauty, more creative, and hold unconventional beliefs.” OK, yeah, fine, that sounds like me, excuse me, I have to go worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster while body-painting myself now.

Then the quiz told me, based on my results, I should have a 5.3% better than average chance at succeeding in my career (that…doesn’t seem very good? I think I’m screwed) and a 10% higher than average chance at succeeding in my current marriage (um…am I married? That’s…wow. WHERE IS HE. I feel like, as a married person, I should be having a lot more sex, and also getting to file my tax returns as joint, therefore getting a much better refund. Also, I need him to help me carry in the groceries, they’re totally heavy and it’s cold out.)

SO! What have we learned, my little spicy grilled string beans?

  • I might be a cat person, or a dog person, or an animal person, or maybe just a person;
  • I might be bipolar, or not;
  • “Dr. Feelgood” is a very good ringtone if you are a doctor, but not if you want to be taken seriously as a doctor;
  • Do not risk your life for stranger kittens;
  • I hate falling;
  • No one likes rabid camels;
  • I think I broke the Big 5 Personality Test;
  • I kind of overboarded you with SIDE NOTES, sorry;
  • Poor W. gets a lot of neurotic texts and emails, I should totally send him a fruit basket.

Happy weekend, everyone! I hope you sleep much (SIDE NOTE: for the past two nights, I have had insane dreams. Two nights ago, Bill Clinton showed up at my house, gave me a sundress that didn’t fit, stole all my candy bars, and didn’t even want me to make out with him, even though I am TOTALLY his type; and last night, I dreamed for like 7 hours someone was trying to wake me up so we could go running. I DON’T RUN WHAT THE HELL STOP IT) and cuddle someone or something cuddly and totally dare to eat a peach!


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