Category Archives: problem-solving

Kind-of-Sort-of Ask Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 4)

Well! Here we are again, oh minions my minions! (NO, I’m not getting on a DESK and SHOUTING that, don’t be crazy.) I was lucky enough to get MORE questions this month, and listen, that makes me happy happy happy. I like to answer questions. I don’t know that I’m overly good at it, but you all keep asking, so I keep answering. People in real life ask me questions, too, you know. I answer those, too. I’m like a question answering MACHINE. BAM with the answering of questions! 

So, in case you don’t remember, here’s a quick rundown of what’s going on here. I don’t know if you remember such things, what do I look like, a psychic? Shit, wait, DO I look like a psychic? I didn’t even wear gauzy scarves to work today or anything. Dammit. ANYWAY, because the search terms posts tend to be was insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I give advice, and I answer your questions, and it’s all very Dr. Phil without the baldness and weird speech patterns, but nowhere near as rawr-worthy as Anderson Cooper. 

*sigh* He’s just the dreamy frosting on a dreamy cake, isn’t he?

So, yet again! 

Welcome to… 

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy. 

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT! 

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And I can answer these questions! I totally can! I mean, I love to be helpful, no joke. I AM HELPFUL. What, are you arguing with me about my helpfulness? You are SO MEAN. How do you even get up in the morning, Meany McMeanerson? 

Why was my antacid pulled off shelf 2012 Listen, this is actually kind of spooky, because did I even talk about this? There’s totally a government conspiracy or something about my Maalox.

WHEREFORE ART THOU MAALOX???

So, I used to love Maalox. (YES, I realize I probably have an ulcer or something. I do have prescription Prevacid. But since I wasn’t getting reflux all the time, it seemed silly to take it every day.) I used to get a bottle of the quick-melty chew thingies and a bottle of the liquid, and they were the only things that a., worked, and b., didn’t taste like liquid death. But a few months ago, I ran out, and when I went to the store, NO MAALOX. Blank space on the shelf where it was supposed to be. So I was like, why the run on Maalox? And got some store brand crap that barely worked. Then when that ran out, I went back. STILL a blank spot! So I Googled it and NO ONE KNOWS WHAT’S UP WITH MAALOX. There’s like this public outcry and people are all conspiracy-theorizing (one guy was all, “this is what they warned us about with the Patriot Act – things can just DISAPPEAR without WARNING” and I laughed so hard thinking about a bottle of Maalox in a holding cell under the Pentagon or some such shit, all singing “Nobody knowwwsss….the trouble I’ve seen….nobody knowwws….my sorrowwww” and banging a tin cup against the bars of its cell. But seriously, I do find it weird that the spot for the Maalox on the shelf has been empty for so long, like it’s just waiting for the Maalox to come back, and there’s no news of it online, other than there was a brief recall almost a year ago. I mean, not CONSPIRACY THEORY LEVEL weird, but weird. And I miss my antacid. Come back, little Maalox. Come back! So, in brief, if you are referring to Maalox, questioner (I assume you are), I’m sorry, I have no answer for you, and neither does the entire internet. And it is weird. I blame Congress. You’re welcome, I miss Maalox too. 

are you the frog or the scorpion Me? Personally? Shit. Um, well, I guess I’ve been both, depending on the situation and the day. But most days, I’m the…well, whatever creature it is that refused to give the scorpion the ride because she was mega-untrustworthy of the scorpion’s intentions because she’s been burned before by other scorpions that smelled good, like delicious cologne, and said nice things, and used semicolons correctly and knew how to spell “omniscient.” Tricky, tricky scorpions! I’m the – I’m the turtle. I’m the wise turtle who sits on the riverbank all, “Nope. Not today, Good Time Charlie. Go fool that dumbass frog. I’m going to hang out with this nonshady otter who FOLLOWS THROUGH ON HIS PROMISES AND DOESN’T STINK OF WEED.” So, to answer your question: neither. I’m the turtle. And if you’re asking what you are? You have to figure it out for yourself. Don’t be the frog, though. It only ends in heartbreak and drowning. You’re welcome, maybe buy some scuba gear. 

Why is there a bad smell in my place Well, eek, I don’t know! Have you cleaned lately? Is there a dead thing in your walls? Do you have a plumbing problem? Are you storing dead bodies there, all Rose-for-Emily style? Do you live with someone with bad personal hygiene? Do you have a pet who pees inappropriately? This is very little information to go on. Also, it’s strange that this search brought you here. Now I’m worried there’s a bad smell in my place. Mostly my place smells like bananas. I really like bananas. I’m like a monkey with my damn bananas, seriously. So, to answer your question: I can’t answer your question. Track it down and spray it with some Lysol, damn. You’re welcome, Stinky McGrimy. 

can an axle break on the road Now, that’s just a stupid question. Of course it can. I mean, I Googled it, just to be sure, because I didn’t want to be an asshole about it, but yes. Yes, of course it can.

Google says this is a broken axle. Who am I to argue?

I like to make up little mental stories about the people that ask these questions, and here’s the story I made up for you: your husband didn’t come home one night, and you were all, “YOU’RE HAVING AN AFFAIR!” and he was all, “Baby, listen. My axle broke on the road, and my cell phone battery died. I couldn’t call you and had to walk to the nearest house to call for help, and that took hours. I assure you I’m not bumping uglies with anyone but you.” And you PRETENDED you forgave him, but really, you still, on some level, doubted his story. So you came to your friend Google and you typed in “can an axle break on the road?” just to be sure, to be SO SURE, that he was telling the truth, and not boffing that slut Cynthia from accounting who wears those really low-cuts tops all the time. So, yes. Please let me put the shambles of your marriage back together. An axle CAN break on the road. However, a broken axle does not give you crabs. You’re welcome. 

clever quotes about broken hearts Um. I don’t know how clever I am, honestly. And whenever I hear the word “clever” I think of the Reality Bites Clever-Clever Land quote. Oh, be quiet, I’m a child of the 80s and 90s, what do you want. ANYWAY, clever seems odd, especially about broken hearts. Why do you want to be clever about broken hearts? It seems like an odd combo, no? I mean, the cleverness?

Things like this make me want to kick a baby kangaroo.

But here, I found this on Google for you, because I am HELPFUL: “Promises and hearts are the same; they are both meant to be kept, and both usually end up broken.” Excuse me while I vomit. OK, I’m back. Was that clever? I don’t really know what constitutes “clever” or what constitutes “this makes me want to start self-harming.” Oh, I also found this: “Sometimes I wish I was a kid again, because skinned knees heal faster than broken hearts.” That ALSO makes me want to vomit and I am not sure it’s clever. Here’s the thing, and I’ll keep it brief. Broken hearts are real; broken hearts hurt like hell. But one day you wake up and it doesn’t hurt as much. And then a little while later, it hurts even less. And then a little while after THAT, it hurts even LESS. And then one day you look up and realize, huh, what was that guy’s name, again? Seriously. Back away from the ledge, Emo McGillicutty. It stops eventually. Even though, when it’s happening, all you want is your bed and to watch Love, Actually over and over and over.

I could watch this part a million times. I’m a huge sap. I know.

It stops. I promise. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t be here. You’re welcome, go listen to some Hole or something. 

does dunkin donuts have decaf iced coffee YES! Well, usually. Sometimes they run out and then they don’t brew more, especially at the location near my office. I think they should keep it on tap just for me, honestly. I buy it probably three times a week. And not the little baby cup, either. If I’m driving there, I’m getting the monster behemoth cup that makes you pee for like a month. So, yes. Yes, they do. Don’t even let them give you attitude about it. Now, McDonald’s, that’s another story. McDonald’s, at least the one near my office, doesn’t. So one time, they gave me hot coffee they’d dumped a ton of ice cubes in and were all, “…sorry?” and I was like, “this is not iced coffee, why didn’t you just say you didn’t have decaf?” and they were like “HAVE IT YOUR WAY!!!!” (Disclaimer: I made that up. I don’t even think that’s their slogan. I have no idea what they said, probably just “here’s your change, Nutbag Jones.”) You’re welcome, fellow decaf-drinker! 

does the smell of bananas mean a seizure is coming Twitter told me no the one time I asked them. Apparently only the smell of garbage or burning mean that you’re about to seize up. So if you smell those things, be wary. But probably not if you work in my office, because the asshats here are always setting shit on fire or letting their food rot, so the place often smells like burning or garbage. Either that, or I’m always about to have a seizure. I’m not sure. You’re welcome. Also, probably stop typing epileptic symptoms into Google and see a doctor if you’re worried. 

funny senorita names Are you asking like for really real? Like, do you think Juanita or Carmelita are funny? Or do you want me to make up a name, like Senorita Weisenheimer McBaggybritches? I like to do things like that. It’s kind of my thing. I nickname all the people. No, not for REAL. In real life, I hate nicknames, and am actually known for NOT calling people by nicknames, even if they want to be called by a nickname. My brother hates his Christian name and wants to be called a nickname. I don’t like that. So I refuse. So when I call him his full name (he doesn’t care if I do, I mean, I asked him, if he’d said no, I would have sucked it up and called him the nickname, because it’s just a shortening of his name, it’s not like it’s something offensive like Booger or Snatch or something) around people that don’t know me, they laugh and laugh and repeat it in a Little Lord Fauntleroy voice and he looks at them with a death-glare and says, “NO ONE BUT AMY IS ALLOWED TO CALL ME THAT” and then they’re afraid because he’s totally scary, no joke, so they stop mocking. This is off the topic. Anyway, you want funny senorita names.

I did a search for “senorita” and this came up. It’s an ad for a wig, but ZOMG LOOK AT THE DEAD DEAD EYES ON THE MANNEQUIN. It wants to EAT your SOUL.

There’s one above. Also, here’s another: Senorita Maria Cristina O’Houlihan, Esquire. That one’s funny because she’s Irish AND Hispanic. And a lawyer! HA! You’re welcome, your search term is vague. 

how to look like a russian mobster Well, I guess a GOOD Russian mobster would be able to blend in anywhere, but to look like a STEREOTYPICAL Russian mobster, I’m thinking lots of jailhouse tattoos, a shiny suit, slicked-back hair, an accent, a scowl, and maybe a poorly-concealed handgun? But then you’d never get through airport security. Also, you’d have a hell of a time sneaking up on your prey. I’d assume a good Russian mobster would look like…well, anyone. Anyone at all. Could be the guy sitting RIGHT NEXT TO YOU RIGHT NOW. Eek! You’re welcome, wear your bulletproof vest to work tomorrow. 

i have a crush on my coworker That equally sucks and is awesome. Awesome, because it makes going to work fun (and listen, who doesn’t want work to be more fun? Weirdos. Only weirdos.) Suck, because if nothing comes of it, it’s all heartbreak at the office. And that is the worst. Just the worst. I had a crush on a coworker once. It didn’t go bad or anything, I just eventually got over him, and then the office downsized and the whole admin staff got let go one day when we showed up to work, which was just a joy, right? Right! (Wrong.) But for the few months I was crushing on him, it was so much fun. I dressed up all PRETTY, in SKIRTS (I know! I WORE SKIRTS!) and I did my hair all cute and I was flirty and nice and he was seven flavors of adorable and I’d sit there and daydream about taking him to the loading dock and being naughty with him back there.

Heh. Yep. There might’ve been a lot of this.

So, anyway, my advice? Probably let the crush go. Or don’t do anything about it until you move to another job. Because if it goes bad, you have to see that person EVERY SINGLE DAY. Ugh. That’s the worst. It’s awkward and weird and no one knows where to look and how are you supposed to be productive then? No good. Don’t do it, bub. You’re welcome. Keep your crushes out of your cubicle. (Or, even better: don’t shit where you eat.) 

is it better to forget a friend rather than remember them Um. Well, this is a weird one. Do you mean, like, if they die? Or if they betray you in like a competitive eating contest? Or if you have amnesia? I am befuddled. I’m going to assume this means the friend is no longer in your life, for one reason or another, and it hurts you, so you’re wondering if you should try to forget you ever knew them. Here are my thoughts. Why do you want my thoughts? I’m thinking because YOU ASKED ME. Sort of. In a Google search. That brought you here.  Forget them for a little while. While it’s still the hurtiest. When it’s not as raw, you can let the memories in, a few at a time. Then you’ll allow in more and more, and it’ll get to the point where you’ll be happy for the memories. Just my two cents, do with them what you will. You’re welcome. I’m sorry you lost a friend.

is it true that eating cucumbers before bed gives you nightmares? Well, I’m going to assume not. Andreas says there’s some sort of “if you eat cheese before bed you’ll get nightmares” fallacy going around but it’s not true. And Andreas is my Science Fellow, so you need to listen to him. Or don’t, but it’s really at your own risk. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. He’s a smart man, if you ignore him, you’re just being a dummy. So, no. Eat all the cucumbers you want.

Ugh. Even POSTING this makes me disgusted.

But they’re gross, and if I had my way, no one would eat any cucumbers EVER. They make me disgusted, seriously. I even think about cucumbers and I gag a little. Gag. Gag, gag. You’re welcome, have some cake or something, because I’m not kissing you if you taste like cucumbers, but I’ll totally kiss you if you taste like cake.

is my family stupid? Ha! I don’t know. Are they? You could give them an IQ test, or something. Set up little mazes with food rewards at the end, see if they could solve them. But honestly? They’re your family. Stupid, smart, whatever, they’re your blood. As long as they aren’t abusive, just try to grin and bear it as much as you can. You only get one family. You’re welcome. Hee! Little family-mazes!

is there a real superman Um. I…um. Like, with the superpowers and the changing in the phone booths and the tricking everyone with his glasses? Like that? I don’t…are you serious right now? There are people who go around being vigilante superheroes. People say things like “wow, what a Superman” about other people when they’re super-strong or whatever. But, no.

Although, this might be the real Superman. Wee little bebeh Superman!

No, there’s not an alien child from Krypton going around saving the day. There are a lot of people who do a lot of good things in the world, though. So, they’re kind of supermen. I guess. You’re welcome? You’re really confusing right now.

scare a robin who is bashing into our window Ha! Awesome, I can totally answer this one, thanks to Rich, one of my commenters and a very intelligent man, and Jim, who makes me laugh like a moron on a daily basis. So, if you remember, my dad was totally getting divebombed by a fighty robin. Jim sent me this link, which explained why, and Rich sent me a message telling me that the best way to get rid of it was to hang ribbons outside the window, which would flutter in the breeze and scare off the bird. Both Jim and Rich are smart men. LISTEN TO THEM QUESTIONER. You’re welcome, I’m sorry about that jerky bird.

what does “burn that t-shirt” mean It means “take a shirt made of cotton, or possibly a cotton/poly blend, and set it alight with flames.” You’re welcome! Don’t do that inside, you’ll burn down your house!

what does loyalty taste like WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP ASKING THESE QUESTIONS. I assume they’re for doing your homework with? It tastes like CHEATING ON YOUR HOMEWORK USING THE INTERWEBS. You’re welcome, think for yourself, babe.

what kind of porn do normal people look at Pregnant midget porn. You’re welcome, Spanky.

what to do if you failed in my time of need *I* failed you in your time of need? Shit, I’m a total asshole. I’m sorry. I didn’t even know you were HAVING a time of need! Did you tell me? Did I ignore you? Oh, I just feel terrible about this, what a jerk I am. I think what you should do is FORGIVE ME, because I am VERY BUSY. Oh, wait, are you using the royal “you” and you’re not really referring to me? RUDE. OK, so you want to know how to deal with a friend who failed you in your time of need. Pull on your big-girl or big-boy pants and talk to your friend. If you can’t resolve your differences, the friendship is over. If you can forgive each other, move past it. Easy as a hooker on the day the rent is due. You’re welcome.

what was the prehistoric life of sugar gliders like? BEFORE THE DAWN OF TIME…IN A WORLD WHERE SUGAR GLIDERS GLIDED FREE AND DINOSAURS ATE ALL THE GREENERY AND WERE TOTALLY GASSY…listen, I don’t know that anyone knows this. I don’t think there’s like a History of Sugar Gliders Through the Ages book or something. Assume they’ve always been adorable squishy-soft and leave it at that. You’re welcome. Don’t adopt a sugar glider, they’re way too delicate.

Dumbcat wants a sugar glider so he can be friends with it. Dumbcat kind of looks like a big sugar glider. Continue reading


Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 3)

Here we are again, my favorite minions! As you may have noticed, there weren’t so many search terms this month. That’s ok, because listen: THERE WERE A MILLION QUESTIONS. And I love to answer your questions. Love love love.

So, in case you don’t remember, because the search terms posts tend to be was insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. Because I love to give advice and answer questions. LOVE IT. Three different people have informed me I would be excellent at doing some sort of advice show. THREE! I mean, that’s like the whole damn internet, right? So someone really should probably offer me a job doing that soon. Where are the rich people that are supposed to send me to Europe and the television people who should be offering me awesome television jobs? It’s like you people are in hiding, damn.

So, yet again!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And I can answer these questions! I totally can! I mean, I love to be helpful, no joke. I AM HELPFUL.

anyone tried new sandwiches at dunkin donuts  I think a lot of people have tried them. Otherwise they wouldn’t be selling them. There’s the one that looks like it would taste like a hot dog, and the one that looks like a hamburger egg sandwich. I’m going to warn you right now: they look ick. Stick to the boring yet delicious sandwiches like the egg and sausage and cheese or the bacon and egg and cheese. You’re welcome! Happy nomming!

april fools day tricks to play on my grandma NO NO NO. Do NOT play tricks on your grandma. She is OLD. What if she has a heart attack? Wouldn’t you just feel horrible? Also, April Fools is NOT FUNNY. Not for people or animals or grandmas. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. You’re welcome, stop being an asshole.

are brain cyst fatal  Some are, some aren’t. Are you sure a Google search is the best route to take in this situation? I’m thinking maybe see a doctor. How about you see a doctor? You’re welcome, go see a doctor.

is bebe neuwirth sexy Yes sirree she is. You HOPE you look this good when you’re in your 50s:

She’s totally sexy. Also, she’s talented, and funny, and intelligent, and loves animals. She’s kickass. You’re welcome. Excellent choice for a celebrity crush.

can a sugar glider die from eating ear plugs Um. Huh. This is…um. Well, first, call your vet? Second, maybe keep your earplugs away from your sugar glider? Third, who knew that sugar gliders ate earplugs! What an interesting thing to learn. Yeah. Call your vet. Now. You’re welcome.

can aliens fall in love with a human  Well, why wouldn’t they? Humans are AWESOME. They are LOUD and they are FUNNY and they HATE AND FEAR CHANGE and they ALWAYS ARE WANTING TO KILL ALIENS. I mean, if that’s not a recipe for romance, I don’t know what is. Also, I saw that movie Starman. It was FILLED with the romance. So, yes. Yes, they can. You’re welcome. Watch out for the anal probes, I hear they’re a bitch.

So much LURRRVE and hardly any anal probing, that I remember.

can i wear a nose ring during a colonoscopy Huh. Well. My immediate thought was to say, “If they’re going in through your nose, THEY’RE DOING IT WRONG” but then I thought, I don’t know, maybe they put one of those nose breathy-thingamabobbers on you when they knock you out for a colonoscopy. I’ve luckily never had to have one. I’m still young enough my colon is happy and healthy. When I had my thyroid out, I had to take my nose ring out because they had to put a breathing tube on me when they knocked me out. I wasn’t allowed any jewelry at all. So, in short, my answer is, I’m not sure, and talk to the doctor who’s doing it. He or she will tell you. You’re welcome. And, good luck. I’ve heard colonoscopies are…well, un-fun.

can the fbi read my internet searches….if so, hello im just a free thinker who refuses to be controlled like a mule  This made me laugh. A lot. It’s like my dad searched for my blog. HI DAD. In short: yes. The FBI can read your internet searches. I worked for an internet company one summer, and the cops came in a number of times with warrants. With these warrants, they got information on our subscribers so they could look into their internet browsing history and such. So, yeah. Don’t do super-naughty shit online. Or if you do, do it on a public computer or something. However: you win for “refuses to be controlled like a mule.” Hee! You’re welcome. I feel like I should thank YOU, honestly.

handsome black & white movie actors  Oh, there are so many. Men looked lovely in black and white. Here are a few of my favorites. You’re welcome. And thank YOU. Any opportunity to look at handsome men in black and white is A-OK with me.

Jimmy Stewart;

James Garner;

...and, the love of my life, a young, handsome Marlon Brando. Sigh. Swoon. Sigh again.

how to kidding with friends Oh, my. Oh, no. You want to know how to kid with your friends? It’s not something you should have to WORK at. I am so sad for you right now, babe. It should just come naturally, shouldn’t it? Aw. I don’t even have any advice. Just relax, be yourself, watch for social cues if you can, and for a while, maybe mimic what others are doing if it seems to be the kind of kidding you want to be doing? You’re welcome. I’m sorry. That is the saddest.

i inhaled plaster dust, am i going to die Heh! No. Probably not. You’re not going to have the black lung or anything. If you have healthy lungs it’ll be ok. Just don’t do it, like, every DAY or anything. You’re welcome, stop inhaling foreign substances.

if someone asks you if you think you’re pretty what do you say I think you say, first, to yourself, “What kind of asshat asks someone that?” Then you say one of the following things: “I’m very happy with what genetics has given me to work with, thank you,” or “Whose business is that, chumley?” or “Eh, I’m not a psycho hosebeast, I do okay,” or “Look over there, a trained seal!” That last one is to throw people off your trail. Only use that in case of emergency. You’re welcome!

in europe the play by neil labute – reasons to be pretty Are you looking for places to PURCHASE it in Europe? Hell, just go online, all will be well, chipmunk. Or are you looking for performances of it? Not sure about that one. Just keep an eye out. I was lucky enough to see a staged reading of it recently, but we don’t get a lot of LaBute here, either, and we’re kind of a theatery town. You’re welcome. Good luck. It’s an amazing show.

is it bad to post emo statuses  “Bad?” No. “Sad and pathetic?” Yep. Listen, we’ve all done it. We’ve all been in a dark place. We’ve all needed some attention. IT HAPPENS. Just watch it, sunshine. It’s a slippery slope. Once you start with your “my life is a black black place” and you get some feedback you’ll get addicted. Back away from the emo statuses, babe. Not worth it. You’re welcome, watch some cheery television or something.

is it good to shut your mouth with someone who don’t like you at work? Yeah. It is. SIGH. I know, it’s so, so hard. I work with a number of asshats, too. But if you get into a fight at work, you have to see that person EVERY DAY. I got into a fight by accident with a coworker once and she wouldn’t speak to me for over a YEAR. It was SO AWKWARD. So, yeah. Just shush, bite your tongue, and go home and vent on the interwebs like the rest of us do. You’re welcome. I’m sorry. Work is the suck, right? Right.

is it normal to look at alot of porn when you don’t get any at home Um. Well. First, I hate “alot” so much. SO SO MUCH. Second, if you’re not looking at porn at home, where are you looking at it? At work? DON’T DO THAT. That’s the WORST THING. If you look at porn at work, you will not only get fired, people will know you as the creepy “porn in your cubicle” guy. Do you want that? No. No you don’t. Who does, really? Third. Is it “normal?” I don’t know. I’m not the one to ask. I think porn is normal. I don’t watch it, but most people do. So I guess that makes me the not-normal one. I just can’t take it seriously with the music and the thrusting and such. So, I guess it’s normal enough. Just don’t do it at work, goofball. That’s all kinds of wrong. You’re welcome. Don’t be gross.

not knowing if your dating a robot There are ways to tell. You could cut them, to see if they bleed. You could watch them for 24 hours to see if they ever need to plug in or recharge somehow. You could ask them questions to test their empathy. You could ask them hard math questions to see if they answer them super-fast like a calculator. You could go somewhere there’s an electromagnet and see if they stick to it. LOTS OF OPTIONS. You’re welcome. Look out for the robots. They want to steal old people’s medication to use it for fuel.

the great thing about nephews is  ALL THE THINGS. You’re welcome.

the song they wrote when the footballer stole a doughnut from tesco I have NO IDEA but this is SO FUNNY TO ME. Ooh, look, it’s a real thing. A Krispy Kreme! From Tesco! There are Krispy Kremes in England? I didn’t know that! Is there a song? Like, “You stole a DOUGHNUT, you’re such a WINGNUT, go play some FOOTBALL, use your one PHONE CALL…” I rock at on-the-fly song-writing.

ugh why are hippies so annoying DING DING DING best question of the month. UGH. I have NO IDEA. I think because of the patchouli-smell. And the holier-than-thou attitude. And the peace-love-dope. And the refusal to focus on the tasks at hand. UGH is RIGHT. You’re welcome. Just avoid the scent of patchouli, ok? You should be fine.

were sugar gliders ever worshiped Hee! Well, if they weren’t, they should be. SO SO CUTE. You’re welcome, don’t get a sugar glider, they’re totally high-maintenance.

"Worship me! WOOOOORRRSHHIIPPPP MEEEE!" Ok, sugar glider. Ok.

were you scared of bumble from rudolph Are you asking me, or the whole interwebs? No. I was not scared. I loved The Bumble. I always did. He rocked. I wanted him to eat all those stupid reindeer. Don’t be scared of The Bumble. He’s a humble Bumble now. You’re welcome.

Unscary. Bumble just wants to be your friend.

what are jeggings Pants that everyone wears in hell. You’re welcome.

what do you do when you get the football from lucy Rejoice? Do that obnoxious touchdown spikey thing that people do? Laugh and laugh? Say, “boo-yah, Lucy, IN YOUR FACE?” I don’t know. I don’t think that Charlie Brown ever got the football. It’s a moot point. You’re welcome, why such a weird question?

what does i saw goody osburn with the devil mean It doesn’t MEAN anything. It’s a line from The Crucible. It means exactly what it says: a kid accused Goody Osburn of consorting with the devil. Don’t hurt yourself reading into things too much. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. I mean, sure, sometimes it’s a penis. But not always. You’re welcome.

what does too much sanity may be madness mean If I had to guess, I’d say that unless you have a little whimsy in your life, you’ll go nuts? But take that with a grain of salt. I’m FILLED with whimsy. To the point of being probably mad the OTHER way. So probably there’s a line in the middle you should aim for. I overshot it. You might do better. You’re welcome, good luck.

what is a mixers for swedish fish vodka NONE NONE EW EW. Don’t BUY that stuff. Even the WHIPPED CREAM vodka tasted like death. I can’t even IMAGINE what the Swedish Fish vodka would be like. EW EW EW NO NO NO. You’re welcome, buy something that actually TASTES good, sheesh.

Ew ew ew ew. No.

whats it feel like when youre killing brain parasites? Shit, I don’t know. Ouchy? I can’t imagine it’s a nice thing. TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR. It amazes me that so many people are Googling things that they should be talking to their doctor about. Yikes. You’re welcome, call your doctor now.

There! Whew, don’t you feel so much more helped? I know you do. You are WELCOME. Until next month, may your questions be answered and your searches bring you to someone who is TOTALLY THE MOST HELPFUL LIKE OH I DON’T KNOW MAYBE ME.


Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 2)

I was so hoping I’d have enough questions this month to do another one of these, because I had such fun with it last month. But I did NOT want to count my chickens. NO CHICKEN COUNTING. Ooh, I totally have a chicken story. One time, when I worked at the animal shelter, someone dropped off some chickens that they couldn’t take care of anymore? And one was the BEST chicken. It was such a pretty brownish red and so friendly. It wanted to be my pet. So I kept that chicken at the front desk with me all day. It let me hold it, and it was snuggly, and when I had to work it would sit quietly on the desk and make little buck-buck noises under its breath like it was waiting for me to get done so we could have more quality hang time. I loved that chicken. Then the farm animal rescue lady came so I had to give her the chicken but I totally wanted to adopt it and bring it home. It would have been the best pet ever, no joke.

So, in case you don’t remember, last month, because the search terms post was insanely long, I broke it up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. Because I love to give advice and answer questions. LOVE IT. Recently, Handflapper told me I should be the next Dr. Phil. I don’t think that would be a good idea, because I’d make people cry too much. Most of my advice is very, “Um, you think THAT’S a good idea? Really? Are you SURE? Because that’s just about the stupidest. Sorry. It totally is, though. I mean, did you even think that THROUGH? Have you been tested for mental issues? Maybe you have a brain tumor that makes you make very stupid decisions. You should go see Dr. Oz. I’m assured he’s a real doctor, although I find him too grinny and toothy to be trustworthy.”

So, yet again!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And I can answer these questions! I totally can! I mean, I love to be helpful, no joke. I AM HELPFUL.

is “status shuffle” “funny”  No. No, it’s not. Not even a little bit. Listen, I’ll tell you a story. OH. For those of you who don’t know – Status Shuffle is this HORRIBLE app people use on Facebook that posts “humorous” statuses for you that they write. Things like, “Cleaning the house is mind over matter. I don’t mind so it doesn’t matter!” Only usually they’re less grammatically-correct (and funny) than that. Here’s the story. I have a family member who will remain nameless and ALSO I will not tell you all how we are related although if anyone in my family is reading this (doubtful – my family doesn’t seem to care much for this here blogging thing) and they’re friends with her on Facebook they’ll know who I’m talking about because she’s the only one who uses Status Shuffle. And she uses it once a day, usually in the evenings. And I see her status updates and I just want to scream. Because – ready for this? SHE IS ONE OF THE MOST GENUINELY HILARIOUS PEOPLE I KNOW. If I’m around her, I’m in stitches. She can take a story – well, you know how you all seem to find my stories awesome? Her stories are mine on laughing gas, seriously. She’s got this hilarious dry wit without even TRYING. And it’s INTELLIGENT wit. It’s one of those senses of humor that’s so intelligent you catch the nuances of it days LATER and it cracks you up. So why the HELL is she using some pre-fab status shuffle nonsense when anything she SAYS is funnier than anything I could say on a good day, and I have a whole BLOG where I try to be funny? It’s a total mystery to me.  Don’t use this. If you can’t be funny on your own, don’t be funny on Facebook. It’s that simple. Maybe you’re not the funny one on Facebook? Is that such an awful thing to contemplate? You can’t ALL be the funny ones on Facebook, now can you? I mean, some people have to post earnest pleas for reposts about cancer and such. Or it wouldn’t be Facebook. Leave the funny to the professionals or you could put your eye out, kid. You’re welcome. DON’T USE STATUS SHUFFLE.

are there any birds that actually make a tweet tweet call  This is an interesting question, and I honestly have no idea, or any idea how to go about finding this out for you. I’m not a bird person. I have no interest in birds. Except of course penguins. And kookaburras. And that one chicken I mentioned up there. Otherwise, I find them messy and pecky, and their feet are kind of scaly. I mean, I’m not FREAKED OUT by birds or anything. I’m not SCARED of them. I just don’t care about them all that much. I had pet birds a couple times in my life and I found them utterly useless. They were messy and loud and you couldn’t cuddle them and they never greeted you by knocking over your lamp and falling off the back of your couch with excitement like Dumbcat did when I came home the other night. If your pet isn’t excited enough to break your household goods and inflict bodily harm upon itself in its joy to see you, then probably it doesn’t care about you at all, and who wants THAT pet? Well, I guess some people, but not me. I’m lavish with my love and I want a pet who is similarly inclined. You’re welcome. I was singularly unhelpful, but you’re welcome.

anyone else hate breakfast at tiffany’s  Yep. Lots of people. I mean, more people LOVE it than HATE it, but yeah, you’re not alone, my little gummi bear. Don’t fret. There’s a lot to hate about that shit. YOU ARE NOT ALLLOOOONEEEEEE. You’re welcome!

did hermie the elf think he had big ears?  If he did, he never mentioned that particular hangup, that I can remember. He was all “I’m a MISFIT” and “I don’t want to make TOYS I want to be a DENTIST” but I don’t think he was ever ears-obsessed. Why are you worried about this? Do you think you have big ears? Is this a thing you have that you project onto puppets? This is all very curious to me. You’re welcome. Don’t be sad about your ears. I’m sure they’re fine.

does anyone in califorina sell roscato wine  Where’s califorina? It sounds very exotic, like possibly an island where they have many tropical plants and diseases. I’d think you’d have to get it shipped there special. Probably there are no wine stores in califorina. Probably instead, they drink liquor distilled from the root of one of their native plants. And have contests of skill and strength, and the loser has to sacrifice himself to the bird-headed goddess. You’re welcome. Be sure to get your shots before leaving Merka.

dose lucy play stripoker Am I the Lucy in this scenario? And dose = does, I assume? I’m going to go with yes on both of these questions. And the answer is, NO. But if Lucy DID play strip poker, or, in your affected spelling situation you’ve got going on here, “stripoker,” which I assume would be pronounced “str-ih-puh-kr,” very quickly or it loses its funny, kind of like you would say the word “sepulchre,” she would WIN ALL THE HANDS, and you would be sitting there all bucky-ass naked, while she was completely clothed. Because Lucy RULES at poker and learned in college how to play and also loves it. Then you’d be all, “Hey, baby, look at me all nakey-naked! Wonder what we could do right now, seems such a shame to waste all this luscious nakedness!” and Lucy would laugh at you and tell you that a., she owns your clothes now, so go walk home naked, Peepshow Pat, and b., she’s totally hip to the ways of Sneaky Fuckerism, and refuses to sully her beloved card game by having sex with a moron. That’s how I imagine that would go. Further questions, spelling whiz? No? AWESOME. You are WELCOME.

great question to ask ceo of dunkin donuts Are you MEETING Mister Fancy-Pants Nigel Travis? AWESOME. Hmm. I’d ask him a few questions. ONE. Why do the drive-through workers act like I murdered a puppy when I ask for decaf? TWO. Why did the drive-through worker not give me a straw the other day with my iced coffee as if he expected me to drink it by sucking it through the straw-hole with my mouth like I was a lamprey? THREE. Why when I ask for all the Splenda are they so damn stingy with the Splenda? Is there a Splenda shortage I’m unaware of? FOUR. Is the hot hipster who works at the one closest to my office single and would he mind if I licked him to see if he tasted like doughnuts or just like hipster? I have a bet going with myself.  FIVE. One of my friends went there the other day and there was a huge tray of bacon just sitting on the counter and no one was attending it. She wanted to take some and didn’t. If she had, would she have been arrested, or would it have been totally justified since who can resist a whole tray of delicious bacony bacon just SITTING there? SIX. In the commercials for the “Angus Steak Breakfast Sandwich,” the “Angus Beef” looks like a mangled hamburger. Are you serving a hamburger and egg sandwich at Dunkin’ Donuts, and, if so, did someone advise you this was a good idea? Followup question: will you be firing that advisor soon? Because he or she is just the WORST. You are WELCOME. Tell Nigel I say hi and that so many people search my blog for his home phone number every month it’s cuckoo-bananas.

guidelines and tips directing a one act play Wow! This…actually is something I could be helpful with! But that would be a serious post, and take longer than I have. So I’ll tell you what NOT to do. Don’t treat your tech crew like garbage; remember, they’re lighting your show, and if you piss them off, there tend to be more “electrical problems” on nights when you really want the show to go well. Don’t yell at your actors; their egos are so much better served with honey than vinegar. Don’t leave garbage around the theater so the theater board of directors has to clean it up. WE HATE THAT. Don’t rely on the costumes or the props or the set to carry your show; the audience is smart and knows bad acting and directing when they see it. And, above all else: don’t demand a ton of money from the town when you go over budget. It doesn’t end well, as you can see.

You’re welcome! Have fun at the thea-ay-tah!

hey girl can i zap dem pants off pokemon I don’t know what this means. Is this a thing? Can you zap pants off Pokemon? Well, that would certainly explain why all the people were so interested in Pokemon when it came out. It was actually PORN. Am I always the last person to know about these things? Ugh, even the NAME is dirty. POKEMON. I need a nap and a cookie. You’re welcome and also filthy.

how big is channing tatum’s neck? SO EFFING BIG. Measure your head, add ten inches, and that’s his NECK. I KNOW. I don’t know what’s happening there, either. What do you mean, that sounds like I made it up. I assure you I did total scientific research to come up with those figures. WHAT I TOTALLY DID. Man you’re rude. You’re welcome, I guess. But stop insulting my total awesomeness.

how to open a bottle of roscato wine This one makes me laugh. Ready? IT’S A SCREW TOP. It’s like a $10 bottle of wine, my magic wine. Otherwise, I couldn’t afford so much of the damn stuff. It’s a SCREW TOP. You TURN IT to open it. You’re welcome, Easily-Confused McGurk.

how you know you’re cat is trying to kill you First, he replaces all your “your”s with “you’re”. OH SHIT YOU ARE IN TROUBLE RUN! RUN! You’re welcome – what are you still DOING here? RUN!

is the book hunger games like the book read in schools 50 or so years agp in school about a town having a stoning  This made me so happy I squiggled in my seat a little before answering. OK, the book you’re referring to is, I assume, Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery. I hope it wasn’t read ONLY fifty years ago. I hope it’s still being read now. It’s amazing, and the lesson plans that can be built around it are wonderful. But as for comparisons between the two – well, they can be made, I suppose. Sacrifice. Loss. Mob mentality. Good of all versus good of the individual. Yes, there are similarities. But there are many differences. They’re both very good works; I vote read them both. You are welcome, most sincerely. I certainly hope I didn’t do someone’s homework for them right there. I couldn’t help myself, though.

responses to say when someone asks you if you are cool  I came up with five for you. I hope that’s enough. 1. “No, I’m actually a little warm. Can we bump down the AC a few more degrees?” 2. “If by ‘cool’ you mean, ‘am I going to rat you out to Principal Williams for all that weed in your locker,’ yeah, yeah, I’m cool. Mostly because I just don’t give a shit. Get baked off your ass repeatedly. I’m going to need someone to serve me my McNuggets when I’m a success, you know?” 3. “No, I’m burning up. I think that thing that bit me might have been a rattlesnake. THEY’RE COMING FOR ME MOMMA!” 4. “Yes. So cool that I actually use the word ‘chilly’ to describe my coolness. Since you used the word ‘cool’ I know you’re actually NOT cool, therefore, you’re wasting my time. Back off, mouthbreather.” 5. “Yep, totally, daddy-o. Slip me some skin!” (Your results may vary when using these responses. Judge your audience appropriately. You’re welcome!)

what does “a real bearcat” mean? I would assume the opposite of “a false bearcat” or “someone dressed as a bearcat” or “a real non-bearcat” or “a real thing that might be a bearcat or maybe a skunk, I didn’t wear my glasses today so I’m not sure, wait ’til it gets closer, then I’ll tell you?” You’re welcome? Your question is confusing.

what does a football look like in real life like totally Like, totally? TOTALLY, totally? Like, totally like this, dude.

Like, whoa! Totally. Totally? Totally. You’re welcome. Knibb High Football Rules!

what happended to the aroma of dunkin donuts coffee Shit, what did happended to it, I wonderded? Did something happen to it? I always get iced coffee, which has very little aroma. I don’t know. Someone else has to answer this for me. HAS SOME GREMLIN SNUCK INTO DUNKIN’ DONUTS AND STOLEN THE GOOD WHIFFS? Please report back. Thanks ever so. You’re welcome, as soon as my minions do their job!

what might make a kokaburra laugh I’m just going to take a guess, but probably not getting en0ugh sleep, then reading Ken’s tweets about how much he hates Game of Thrones. Just a guess. You’re welcome! (Also, that’s not how you spell kookaburra. You are aware of that, right? Are you testing me? Because I’ll win, most of the time. You know that, right? OK, just checking.)

what movie has a redhead making out in a laundry room Ooh! Ooh! I totally KNOW this one! Well, maybe there are others. But the one that IMMEDIATELY comes to mind is Lucas, starring a lot of people before they became crazy drug addicts, like Charlie “Tiger Blood” Sheen and Corey Haim who used to be SO DAMN ADORABLE and then he got weird and then he died. Anyway, I TOTALLY wanted to be Kerri Green when I was young? Because she was a ginger, and she was adorable, and she was in Goonies and got to kiss my crush Sean Astin (even though that kiss was through trickery.) And in Lucas, she makes out with Charlie Sheen in a laundry room!

Also, Lucas used to make me cry ’til I was snotty. So much bullying in that movie, you guys, no joke. Then of course there was totally a Hollywood ending, and those don’t happen in real life, but whatever, that doesn’t sell many movies, now does it? You’re welcome, even though I think your question might have been a little pervy. NO PERVING ON BABY KERRI GREEN. She was my ginger ROLE model. Well, her, and Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables, of course.

And…finally…for the most important question of the day…

would you trust your busty wife?  No. Probably not. Because a., I’m straight, so I’d be a little confused how I ended up WITH a wife, leading to a LOT of mistrust for this woman who allowed me to marry her under what are CERTAINLY tricksy circumstances, and b., if she was busty, you just KNOW she’s a WHOREBAG. Dude, are you effing kidding me with a search like this? Is this a perv search or a real-life someone is querying if he should trust his wife because she’s mammarially gifted? Either way, WEIRDO and ICK. You’re not even welcome. I’m not even telling you you’re welcome. Because you’re a gross grosserton.

There! Another month of solving the questions of the WHOLE INTERNET, one blog’s search page at a time. I don’t know about you, but I feel like a MILLION DOLLARS. I know, right? A whole million. Until next month, my little blueberries!


Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT!

I know that I usually do all of the insane search terms in one post. But I don’t know if anyone noticed? But this month’s search term post was CUCKOO-BANANAS LONG. Like, nine pages in Word long. That’s too long. MUCH TOO LONG. I might have killed off some of my readers.

Back in the day, I used to do this “Ask Lucy” thing and it was the WORST. No one ever asked me any questions and I hate begging for anything because it puts a big old wound in my pride and makes me feel like I’m not having any fun at all and also like I want to throw things like wine glasses. And who wants to break all their wine glasses? No one who likes wine, that’s who.

BUT! Since this month’s search terms post was so long that I think I probably murdered some of my readers with the length, I thought, there are a lot of questions in my search terms this month. So it’s LIKE I can do an Ask Lucy, but not have to ask anyone to provide the questions, which was the part of the Ask Lucy that I hated, anyway.

SO!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And I can answer these questions! I totally can! I mean, I love to be helpful, no joke. I AM HELPFUL.

are you a psychopath if you have narcolepsy  I don’t think you’re a psychopath. I think the two can be mutually exclusive. I mean, are you falling asleep and murdering people, or maybe falling asleep and hanging people in your closet and forcing them to play Pictionary with you? Then probably you’re both. But are you just falling asleep randomly, like when you’re driving or running in charity 5Ks? Or are you just murdering puppies? Then you’re just either/or. See? I totally solved that. It’s worrying me you asked it, though, to be frank. You’re welcome! Also a little scary!

how do i know i’ve got toxoplasma gondii  Well, first you read my totally groundbreaking post about how your cat is trying to kill you with brain parasites and see if you have the signs. Then if you think you do, you…um…I don’t know, the article didn’t talk about anything that could be done to cure it or anything. I guess you just deal. You’re welcome. And, sorry.

is dire straits song you and your friend about lesbians?  I just looked it up and it seems to be about cheating, maybe. So I guess it could be about lesbians, and cheating with a lesbian. This is an odd question. Why does it matter? You’re welcome. And, why do you care?

is it normal to feel like shit on valentine’s day when you have no one  YES. Because society conspires to make you feel like shit when you’re alone on Valentine’s Day more so than any other day with the commercials and the flowers and the jewelry and related frou-frou coupley nonsense. Just ignore it. It goes away in 24 hours. It’s like a 24-hour bug only with less phlegm and more depressed weeping. You’re welcome. Sorry it sucks. Hope you bought some half price chocolate the day after.

names of actresses from raymour and flanigan commercials  I don’t know about “actresses” but the “actress” that I know is Yvonne Perry. She is kind of a big deal around here. She stars in a lot of plays over at Cap Rep Theater. When I went to a play there recently the old people in back of me were all, “There’s the FURNITURE LADY” every time she came out on stage. It was annoying. Also, one time, a mutual friend reposted one of her photos on Facebook? And it was Yvonne Perry and NATHAN FILION. She totally acted in a soap opera with Nathan Filion one time. CAPTAIN TIGHTPANTS ZOMG. You’re welcome. It’s odd you want to know this, but you’re welcome.

statistic percent of people that like buttercream frosting  The answer for this is undoubtedly all. At my grocery store, they have two options: buttercream frosting and “bestcreme” frosting. “Bestcreme” is just whipped cream. Who wants whipped cream frosting? What a frigging gyp that is. Buttercream is where it’s at. Also, are you doing a project where you need to know that statistic? Do you need people to volunteer as tasters? I’ll volunteer. I’m very buttercream-frosting friendly. You’re welcome. Call me!

super totally awesome food in the binghamton area The answer is obviously Spiedies. Spiedies are the crack cocaine of the Binghamton area. I ate my WEIGHT in Spiedies when I lived there. What’s a Spiedie, Amy, you’re asking?

I'm Homer Simpsoning all over this right now, seriously.

It is chicken marinated in this vinegary sauce and then roasted on a grill and served in a crusty roll. IT IS HEAVENLY. I can’t even describe how amazing. I tried to recreate them once I moved away but it’s impossible. It’s like they only exist in that area code. EAT SOME SPEDIES. You are WELCOME. I’m totally salivating right now. (Also, “super totally awesome food” made me giggle.)

what do blue footballs taste like  I don’t know what this is. I assume it’s a food item. Otherwise, why are you eating it? But I am HERE to HELP YOU. So I will research it.  ZOMG they are Xanax. It is the STREET NAME for Xanax. Why do you care what they TASTE like? You’re not supposed to CHEW them. You’re supposed to SWALLOW them. With WATER. Why are you a big weird weirdo? I’m sure they taste like bitter burning like most pills do. You’re welcome, stop chewing medication.

what do you have against dating “short dudes and people with walking issues”  This is a reference to my mom, actually. Who dated a short dude, and also a bouncy dude, before my dad. In that case, I was just sticking up for my dad. Why would I have wanted my mom to marry someone OTHER than my dad? My dad RULES. If she procreated with someone else, what kind of half my DNA would I have ended up with, anyway? I don’t like change. I don’t want to be half some short or bouncy guy. I like that this questioner is all “I dare say my good man!” over this. I don’t date short dudes because I am tall and prefer men at my height or taller; and, well, people with walking issues – I guess it would depend on the person? Like, if I really liked them, who cares, I guess. But if they’re a douchebag, then I don’t want them, whether they can walk or not. You’re welcome, easily offended McGee.

what is worse than a douche canoe? Hee! You are NOT going to believe this, but we totally had this discussion at my theater JUST THE OTHER NIGHT. The answer is a WHOLE DOUCHE YACHT. Barring that, a douche garbage barge is also pretty bad. But douchecanoe just sounds better, the way it trips off the tongue, right? You’re welcome. Use the phrases often and well.

why everyone loves breakfast at tiffany’s  I don’t know. Nostalgia? Audrey Hepburn? How totally hot George Peppard is? The pretty costumes? New York City? I’m not sure about this one, myself. You’re welcome. I think.

why is dont fear the reaper gay It IS? I think you’re wrong about this. I don’t think it is. Because they listen to it ALL THE TIME on Supernatural. And Supernatural isn’t gay. I mean, once and a while they have a gay character, but overall it’s pretty manly-man, you know? Why would you think “Don’t Fear the Reaper” is gay? I think it’s about an ACTUAL reaper. Like, DEATH. It’s not a euphemism for gayness. People think everything’s gay all the time, it’s annoying. There is not this super-secret gay agenda to sneak stuff into the straight media, you guys, I promise. The Pink Mafia (I totally want to be a foot soldier in the Pink Mafia, you don’t even know) probably doesn’t even WANT to claim “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” You’re welcome, I think you might be chewing blue footballs.

why people who dont vote suck  Because they’re allowing democracy to go on around them without taking part. And often they are the ones that complain the loudest when they don’t like the elected officials. But they don’t get a say! They didn’t vote! I think, as a citizen, it’s our DUTY to vote. You do the research and you vote for the candidate whose values and stance align most closely to your own. I feel very strongly about this, seriously. I was just yelling at, I MEAN DISCUSSING it with, my dad the other night. (Also, psst, I love to vote love love LOVE to vote. Why wouldn’t you want to vote? IT IS SO MUCH FUN.) You’re welcome, go vote already. OK, fine, not NOW, there’s probably no vote going on NOW, but when it’s voting time, VOTE ALREADY.

why does lucy pull the football away? oh, psychology.  This is AWESOME. Yes. Oh, psychology. Well, Lucy’s an asshole, really. A bullying asshole. Who enjoys the power she holds over Charlie Brown in the form of the football. And she pulls it away so she can retain that power. If she lets him kick it, she loses her power. I mean, I guess she might be trying to teach him a lesson about life, too. Like, “Hey, Charlie Brown, life’s not all giggles & sunshine, babe, get used to it now, you huge-headed weirdo!” but mostly I just think she’s a bullying asshole. You’re welcome.

why the hell can i not print my family crest?!?!?! ZOMG are you pissed off about this or WHAT? Holy HELL. SO MANY INTERROBANGS. I don’t know how you got to my blog with this search phrase. Have I ever talked about family crests or the inability to print them? I am SO SORRY you can’t print. I’m totally not an IT guru. Did you try saving the image and then pasting it into a Word document and then printing the Word document? Sometimes that works, I don’t know. DON’T INTERROBANG ME ANYMORE. You’re welcome?!?!?!?

why they created the hulk to be angry  He’d be pretty damn boring if he was calm, wouldn’t he? Just this big green guy, sitting around with a pipe and slippers watching Judge Judy or something? MAD IS MORE FUN. You’re welcome. HULK THANKS YOU FOR VISITING. HULK NO SMASH YOU.

why does zak bagans treat aaron rudely  Because Zak Bagans is a gigantic douchecanoe and thinks he is “funny” when really he is “a dumbass.” I don’t know. Why are you watching that stupid show? A better question is, why is Aaron so skinny now? I just want to give him a sandwich. And then make out with him. You’re welcome.

why do the germans watch breakfast at tiffany’s  Listen. LISTEN. I totally asked Ken this one but he DID NOT ANSWER ME. So I think that it’s probably a secret that no one wants us to know the answer to. Like a total German conspiracy. Maybe Germany isn’t ALLOWING Ken to reply to the tweet I sent him about this, I don’t know. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THIS RIGHT NOW. I don’t live in Germany. I visited Germany once. I stayed in Berlin. I don’t remember much about it. There might have been a bronze pig statue, although that might have been in another European country because I was sleepy for a lot of that trip. We visited the Checkpoint Charlie museum. We stayed in a weird hostel. The people in it walked around naked a lot. That was off-putting. Although, come to think of it, they probably weren’t Germans if they were staying in a hostel in Germany, right? They probably would be staying in their HOME if they were Germans. So I don’t know what was up with the nudity. There were many delicious chocolates in the grocery stores, so that was nice. Oh, and I’m totally learning all the exciting German from Ken. Here’s a word I like, ready? I didn’t learn this from Ken, I looked it up all on my own because I’m greedy for knowledge LIKE A SPONGE. Ready? Do you know how you say “cougar” in German? Puma. IS THAT NOT AWESOME? Because cougars and pumas are totally like the same thing, aw! Love! ALSO, did you know that “dachshund” literally translates to “badger dog” I assume because dachshunds probably were used to roustabout badgers at some point? I AM TOTALLY THE BEST AT GERMAN YOU GUYS. But other than that, I don’t know enough about Germany to answer your question, which is WHY I asked KEN to answer it for you but he never ever did so I’m pretty sure that it’s a secret because otherwise why would he not help you out? He’s totally helpful, seriously. So probably I could make up a story for you, like Germans love American CULTURE, and Germans want to know what it was like to live in New York City back in the DAY, or Germans like Audrey Hepburn like French people purportedly like Jerry Lewis, or some such thing, BUT I DON’T KNOW FOR SURE. I think Ken knows. He’s just not telling. You’re welcome. Blame Ken. But not too much. Because then I’d have to punch you. I’m allowed to harass him because it’s out of LOVE. If other people do it I feel like I have to defend him because that’s what I do with the approximately four people I like in the world because most people annoy the piss out of me.

definition of shit ton and ass hat  Oh, now this. THIS I can do. A shit ton is like a TOTAL LOT OF SOMETHING. Like, here, I’ll use it in a sentence. “I had a shit ton of homework to do and a headache like you wouldn’t believe.” Or, “I have a shit ton of Cheetos in my sweet El Camino.” An ass hat is a douchebag. Or, more literally, someone who has their head stuck up their own ass. So, therefore, has their “ass” as a “hat.” An asshat. Oh, you don’t think I can use that in a sentence? WATCH ME CHARLIE. “It became clear to Myrtle that Joey was a total asshat when he started snapping at the waitress to bring him a drink refill.” You’re welcome. This was a really good question. I feel like I should be thanking YOU.

do kookaburras like shiny things Everything likes shiny things, my friend. Shiny things are the best and the brightest. Since kookaburras are so totally boss, I can only imagine they LOVE shiny things. As much as I do, perhaps. (SPEAKING OF KOOKABURRAS! I will be seeing A LIVE KOOKABURRA in 2.5 months. I know. It’s the best. I’m X-ing days off my calendar like a prisoner of war, here.) I mean, I don’t know if you’re asking, “Are kookaburras magpies?” with the hoarding of the shiny? I can’t answer that at the moment. I’ll ask the kookaburra when I see him in 2.5 months. You’re welcome. Thank you for bringing up kookaburras, it made my day.

There! Was that not the most helpful Q & A you’ve ever had? I know I feel so much better-brighter-smarter-faster, how about you?

If anyone ever says, “Amy from Lucy’s Football, she doesn’t seem very helpful,” you make sure you point them over here. SAYING I’M NOT HELPFUL IS A LIE. Now, Ken, on the other hand, is holding back some sort of ancient German film secret, but I’ll give him a pass. I enjoy his company just that much. I won’t be so lenient next time, though. I have to think of my readers. MY READERS DEMAND SATISFACTION KEN.


Lost and Gone Forever: In Which I Totally Solve a Historic Serial Killing

A life cut short by a 19th-century SOCIOPATH.

I was thinking today about childhood. Specifically, about the morbidity of children’s tunes. Does this at all make you wonder how my mind works? Here. I’ll give you a little comparison, you know, for funsies.

Normal person’s mind:

Hears “Oh, My Darling Clementine” – thinks, “aw, cute!” – continues on with his or her day.

My mind:

Hears “Oh, My Darling Clementine” – thinks, “man, but do I hate citrus fruit” – thinks “but Clementine is certainly a fantastic name for a child” – thinks, “wait, ‘lost and gone forever,’ that’s totally dark, let’s look up the lyrics to that and analyze them and figure out what the hell’s going on here”

I’m not passing judgment on either mind. Just saying, there’s normal, then there’s shiny, ADD, and possibly a little crazy, that’s all.

OK, so “Oh, My Darling Clementine.”  You think you know this song? HOLY HELL but there are a shitload of verses. YES I researched this, you thought I wouldn’t? Shame on you.

You can totally sing along, if you want. I won't judge.

In a cavern, in a canyon,
Excavating for a mine
Dwelt a miner forty niner,
And his daughter Clementine.

OK, so far, so good. We have a miner and his daughter, Clementine. No problems. Cool cool cool.

Chorus:

Oh my darling, oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine!
Thou art lost and gone forever
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

Well! Now we have some foreshadowing. OBVIOUSLY something bad’s about to happen to Clementine, whom we have just met, like, twenty SECONDS ago. And we know the singer loved her. Also, “lost and gone forever” is really, really dark. But also really poetic, and I love it a little. Also, were you aware that Clementine, the character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, was so named because of this very line in this very song? Because the procedure would, hypothetically, make her lost and gone forever to Jim Carrey’s character? Isn’t that lovely? I thought so. Also, so the woman you love dies, and all you can muster is “dreadful sorry?” You seem like a shitty suitor, sir. And possibly a sociopath.

Also. ALSO. Why are you singing kind of a boppy-ish song about a dead girl? It’s not even dirge-like. It’s catchy. Worrisome.

Light she was and like a fairy,
And her shoes were number nine
Herring boxes, without topses,
Sandals were for Clementine.  

I like that she was light like a fairy, but also had what were, apparently back in the day (this was written in the late 1800s) HUGE HONKING FEET. I always liked this stanza, because those feet seemed so gigantic, and boxes “without topses” (hee! cute, and a nice way to do a slant rhyme!) as shoes was a funny visual. Karma, who did not like me laughing at imaginary women, gave me size nine feet once I finished growing. THEY’RE NOT THAT BIG SHUT UP.

Chorus

Drove she ducklings to the water
Ev’ry morning just at nine,
Hit her foot against a splinter,
Fell into the foaming brine.

So…the miners had ducklings? That they…herded? People herded ducklings? That seems silly. And virtually impossible, honestly. Like herding cats. Why didn’t they just KEEP them down by the water? Hmm. Also, ducklings are small, you couldn’t stick them in a burlap bag or something for your walk down to the water? And why at nine? Why such a rigid schedule for duckling-herding? “JUST at nine.” What would happen if she herded at 9:15? Like, would a meteor crash to earth or something?

Then she hit one of her gigantic honking feet against a “splinter” (yeah, I don’t know) and fell into the water. It’s “foaming brine.” So you were putting your ducklings into an oceanic waterfall pool or something? This duckling plan seems very ill-thought-out, Clementine.

Chorus

Ruby lips above the water,
Blowing bubbles, soft and fine,
But, alas, I was no swimmer,
So I lost my Clementine. 

So here she is, only her lips above the water, apparently with that lipstick on them that stays on NO MATTER WHAT YOU EAT OR DRINK (bee tee dubs, that stuff dries out your lips like a mofo, no joke, and always gets in the little cracks in your lips so you look deranged, stick to Dr. Pepper Lipsmackers, just a tip from me to you, and hey, Bonne Bell, I’ll gladly take any free product you want to send my way and review it GLOWINGLY here, just saying, I’ll whore myself for some Lipsmackers, anytime, anyplace!) and she was “blowing bubbles soft and fine” but lover boy can’t swim so she drowns. OK, so he has time to observe all the minutiae of her dying – her lips, her bubble-blowing, etc. – but he can’t call for help? He can’t scream, “CLEMENTINE IS DROWNING!” He can’t throw her a branch or a rope? Weren’t there other miners? I highly doubt the whole mining operation was run by Clementine and her dad. THIS IS THE WORST BOYFRIEND EVER. And also most definitely a sociopath, who likes to watch people suffer and die.

And he keeps singing his cheerful death-ditty. As sociopaths do.

Chorus

Then this stanza happens. Now, Wikipedia tells me that this stanza is often left out, because it is “morally questionable.” I think that’s the least of our concerns here, Wikipedia. This dude let Clementine drown while he observed her death throes. SOCIO-EFFING-PATH. I think you might want to check his fridge for missing women’s body parts. Or whatever they had back then. Icebox, maybe?

How I missed her! How I missed her,
How I missed my Clementine,
But I kissed her little sister,
I forgot my Clementine.

WHAT? Yeah, it’s not so much “morally questionable” as it is “you are a gross creepy creeper.” Why are you obsessed with the Clementine family? So, you watched Clementine drown, while standing on the bank ankle-deep in ducklings, and then you were all, eh, whatevs, bored now, and you wandered off, and then you were like, “NEEDS ME SOME LOVIN’” so you went and macked on her little sister Tangerine? And how old, exactly, IS Tangerine? YOU ARE GROSS.

Where is Clementine’s dad in all of this? I think he’d put his miner 49er foot down and be all, “I’m pretty sure you could have saved my other daughter, gross creepy creeper, so how about you get away from my other fruit-named daughter, I’ve promised her to a suitor WHO TOTALLY CAN SWIM, sheesh. And is not a SERIAL KILLER OF LADIES.”

Now, in place of the gross “I totally humped her little sis on her grave when the ground was still soft” stanza, Wikipedia said these can be used as alternate lyrics, THANKS FOR THE PERMISSION WIKIPEDIA:

Then the miner forty-niner
He began to weep and pine
For his darling little daughter
Now he’s with his Clementine

So apparently in this alternate lyric, her dad died of…sadness? I guess? Whatever, that’s depressing, I hate that.

In a corner of the churchyard,
Where the myrtle boughs entwine,
Grow the roses in their poses,
Fertilized by Clementine.

EW. This gross suitor. Of COURSE he would think of the flowers being fertilized by Clementine. I’m pretty sure he has a box of “souvenirs” under his bunk. He seems like the type. GROSS. Also, “grow the roses in their poses?” Roses POSE?Are the roses contestants on America’s Next Top Model? Is Tyra going to tell them to smize?

Then the miner forty niner,
He began to peak and pine,
Thought he oughta join his daughter
Now he’s with his Clementine.

I assume in this one, the dad committed suicide. Or that’s what the unnamed suitor wants you to think. I’m pretty sure the suitor killed him and then made it LOOK like a suicide. I mean, there was no CSI then. Who would know? This guy was totally a serial killer and then WROTE SONGS ABOUT IT. I just solved a little-over-125-year-old serial killing. THIS IS VERY EXCITING. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I didn’t even think this post was going this way when I started it. Who thought they’d make a huge difference in the world today? Not this lady, that’s who. I should totally be invited to join Dr. Spencer Reid’s team any…minute…now.

And, AND, how better to cover up a total double psychomurder than to act like you’re totally sad and start singing a song about “oh, boo hoo, my DARLING Clementine, I LOVED HER SO” and then all the ladies in their old-timey hoopskirts and whatever would be all “he’s so TORTURED and so EMO” and then you’d totally get away with – yeah, I’m going to say it – MURDER plus get all the old-timey clandestine love action. This guy had a PLAN, you guys. This guy was SLY.

Also, when poking around online like a total weirdo with nothing better to do, I found this:

You can see that subtitle under the band name, right? CLICK IF YOU CAN'T. It's important.

So this band, NAMED My Darling Clementine, has an album called “How Do You Plead?” This is TOTALLY a clue. KILLERS ARE THE ONES WHO PLEAD. That points me DIRECTLY to the fact that Clementine’s suitor is a serial killer. I cracked this case so wide open you could drive an effing SEMI through it, yo.

In my dreams she still doth haunt me,
Robed in garments soaked in brine.
Though in life I used to hug her,
Now she’s dead, I’ll draw the line.

THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE. Because the GHOST of Clementine is totally haunting the suitor/killer’s dreams. With her reeking, soaking garments. LOVE THIS. I wish she’d eat his face off with her snaggly dead teeth and be all, “Clementine wants to play WICHOOOOOO” like this was the Pet Sematery of the Gold Rush. I WOULD TOTALLY DIG THAT ENDING.

So, as you can see, I am the best serial killer profiler ever. Now, I can hear you there, saying, “Um, Amy, you ARE aware this song is FICTIONAL and that you didn’t really solve anything and…um…I think you might be losing…your…mind…” and to YOU I SAY, you can just BITE ME. I am the BEST AT THIS. Clementine is now AVENGED. As is her father, who we KNOW did not commit suicide. I just regret that I was too late to save poor orphaned Tangerine. If you have any other centuries-old mysteries you’d like me to solve, please send me a proposal. I’m probably going to be inundated so you might have to wait. I’ll get back to you. Eventually. I’ll be in pretty high demand. Don’t worry. I’ll remember you all once I’m totally the most famous. Dr. Spencer Reid and I will be very happy? So I’m sure I’ll be very, very busy? But I won’t forget you. TOTAL PINKIE SWEAR.


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