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Category Archives: nominations

He ain’t never caught a rabbit, he ain’t no friend of mine (hiccup!)

I have three things to address today. THREE! So, random crap Friday it is. Hi, you guys! How was your week, so good? I hope so. Mine was kind of up and down and up and down, like a vomitous roller coaster.

FIRST THING!

Tara at Domestic Goddess (or at least pretending to be) tagged me, and hell, I like to be tagged. I’m down for this, you jive turkeys. Let’s get it ON.

Oh, shit. There are rules. I think you all know these aren’t going to end well.

1. Post the rules. (CHECK!)
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post. (CHECK! Well, in a minute. Hold your horses and/or helper mules.)
3. Create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged. (Um…)
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post. (Yeah, about that…)
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them! (Heh…heh heh…)

I’ll post the rules. I’ll answer the questions. But I’m not creating new questions and I’m not tagging anyone. I realize this means I am PICKING and CHOOSING what I want to do here, and that makes me a huge asshat and who do I think I am, but I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel. Sorry. Really, rules just make me chafe and I hate bothering people.

1.  What book do you think everyone should take the time to read (or at least try to read)? I’ve been thinking and thinking about this, and honestly? Best answer I can come up with? Either the Betty Crocker or Better Homes and Gardens cookbook. The old-timey one. There’s some intelligent stuff in there, and everyone should at least know how to cook basic things. I know. I’m a book person! What a copout answer! No, see, as a book person, I realize that books are a very subjective thing. I’d never tell anyone that they should take the time to read anything. It might not be for them. Just because I think A Prayer for Owen Meany is amazing and one of the most influential books in my life, or Cat’s Eye, or Lolita, doesn’t mean that other people would get off on them. Quite the opposite, actually. Some people might LOATHE them. And I wouldn’t think any less of them for it. Taste in literature is very subjective.

2.  What makes you happy?  Oh, so many more things than I can enumerate here. But let’s just say The Nephew. The Nephew and pudding. The Nephew, pudding, and Dumbcat. The Nephew, pudding, Dumbcat, and my friends. And theater. There. That’s enough, or I’m going to start sounding like an Academy Award recipient and I’ll get played off.

I want to eat that with my FACE. Not even with the SPOON.

3.  What song do you love (but if it weren’t for this question), but are embarrassed to admit?  I’m not overly embarrassed by my song choices, because I KNOW they’re mostly awful but I’m proud of them anyway. Let’s see. What’s one that people might think is super-embarrassing. Ooh, I know. I am totally a closet old-school Eminem fan. Like, I BOUGHT SOME OF HIS ALBUMS. I know, could I be any more embarrassing? And I STILL LIKE HIS MUSIC. Yep. Totally do. Don’t even care who knows it. I mean, I have no idea what he’s doing now, other than that duet he had with Rihanna (which I dug so much I actually purchased it, thank you very much) but I liked his earlier stuff. It made me excited and boppy.

4.  Awesome is a favorite word of mine… so what would you say makes you pretty awesome? I’m very enthusiastic about things. I am extremely loyal. I have an abnormal ability to bounce back from shit. And I make excellent baked goods.

5.  If you could have just one superpower… What would it be? I want to be able to turn back time. Not to do anything awesome with it, just so I can get more sleep and get all the things done in a day that I want to do. What, that’s a superpower, right?

6.  Along the same lines… if you were a superhero what would your name be? Zomg. That’s pronounced like the “zom” in zombie, only with a “guh” sound at the end. Andreas taught it to me yesterday and it’s the bomb, yo.

7.  What trend or fad would you like to end (and have it never come back)?  I’m torn. Either kids wearing their pants way low or that horrendous Bieber hair that looks like it would make it hard to see anything and always make you want to sneeze.

8.  What did you want to be when you grew up?  Are you doing what you thought you would be? I wanted to be a scuba-diving veterinarian. Yes. Yes, I am. I’m blogging from the Marianas Trench, performing an emergency tracheotomy on a diving hippo, as you read this.

9.  What is one thing you want to do before you die? I’m good. I don’t like to talk about these things. I think it jinxes them.

10. What animal best shows your personality? Hmm. Is Tigger an animal? He’s a TIGER but I think I’m more a TIGGER. I’m going to say a Tigger.

Shut up, you wish you had this much enthusiasm for all the things.

11.  What post have you written do you think should not missed? ALL OF THEM. No, seriously, I don’t know. You guys choose, I never know which ones are the best. Ken being a world traveling bon vivant was a great day. The bullying post went over well and was totally cathartic. People seem to like Helper Mule. I’d link to those but I’m very tired. Do a search, there’s a search box on here somewhere. I’ve been writing every day for almost a year now, though, so you guys choose. What’s the best?

SECOND THING!

sj and Meg over at Snobbery gave me ANOTHER AWARD! Oh, you guys. I’m going to start getting a complex.

It is the BEAUTIFUL BLOGGER AWARD. Probably there’s been a mistake, but don’t tell anyone. I like to win an awful lot.

Are there rules? Yep.

  • Thank the person who gave you the award (THANK YOU sj and Meg!!!!)
  • Paste the award on your blog (I can’t, I’ll explain why in a minute)
  • Link the person who nominated you for the award (did that above, BAM)
  • Nominate 7 bloggers or less (um…nope)
  • Post links to the 7 blogs you nominated (again, nope)

I love awards. Love them! But, as I’ve mentioned in the past, I can never accept them. Because they mean I have to go all old-school gym class and choose other bloggers to give them to, and, subsequently, leave bloggers out. And I refuse to do so.

So as much as I LOVE AWARDS and I LOVE WINNING and I LOVE Snobbery (and you all should go check them out, I am so happy sj found me, we have had such fun getting to know each other and she is just the best, and I love the blog so much!) I cannot accept the award. IT IS NOT BECAUSE I AM AN ASSHOLE. It is because I don’t like to leave other kids out of kickball because I can’t deal with the little sad-faces. Please forgive.

THIRD THING!

Jim brought THIS to my attention yesterday. (Oh, can I just tell you a quick story about Jim? Jim was all NO NO NO I HATE FACEBOOK but he totally joined Facebook last week, OSTENSIBLY to publicize his blog? And you can’t even imagine how much Jim is winning Facebook right now. I don’t even mean on his blog page. On his PERSONAL page. He gets like HUNDREDS of comments when he posts something. JIM WINS FACEBOOK. He’s totally the most popular guy at the school dance, I’m not even kidding. It is DAZZLING to behold.)

You didn’t click that link, did you? That’s ok. I love your predictability.

A man in Montana brought his Pomeranian to a bar. The Pomeranian couldn’t walk straight. When the bar employees were all, “WTF, dude?” he said he’d given it a “to-go cup” of vodka.

Why exactly he thought this was a good idea is not explained. Maybe he just didn’t want to drink alone, I don’t know his life.

The cops were called. They arrested the guy, who SOMEHOW ended up standing next to an bag full of hydrocodone in the parking lot. They were totally someone else’s. HE WAS RAILROADED!!! The dog tested at .348 blood alcohol content – the state’s legal limit is .008.

The report Jim watched actually had the reporter saying “the dog was too intoxicated to drive” which makes me laugh SO HARD but I can’t find that exact report. I like to imagine the dog driving, all propped up on phone books. Like Toonces the Driving Cat from old Saturday Night Live episodes, only a little drunk dog.

Only imagine it a drunk Pomeranian. What, it's totally funny.

I don’t really have a moral to this story. I just thought you all should know. Don’t give your Pomeranian a full to-go cup of vodka. Those damn yappy dogs, they totally can’t hold their liquor, and you might end up going to jail because of them. Man’s best friend, my ass.

I know he LOOKS friendly and he's all, "Come on, dude, just a COUPLE SIPS" but he will rat you out in a MINUTE. Damn stoolpigeon dog.

Have a happy weekend, my littlest chickadees! I totally have all the plans and schemes. Two plans and one HUGE GIGANTIC SCHEME I’ve been plotting for a week that’s going to be the best. When I finally finish it, that is. Attention span of a gnat, this one.

Love your faces. Enjoy not-working for a couple of days, will you?

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“…what was really a lemon situation into lemonade.”

Caution and danger, Will Robinson. I cuss all over this post like a drunken sailor on leave. I also talk about lady-bits, homosexuality, rape, politics, and Christianity. If you hate that, come back tomorrow, I’ll try not to use the eff-word so much, promise. Kisses! Love!

I know I don’t usually talk about SERIOUS THINGS here. For good reason. There are a lot of places where you can get your serious news. Like, oh, I don’t know, the newspaper. Or various blogs that talk about serious issues in serious tones with serious graphics and such. Sometimes they have charts. And graphs. With real statistics! That they didn’t make up out of nowhere! Mostly, I talk about fluff and things that make me laugh and things that make me stabby and make up words and put in photos of sad pandas and call it a day.

So if you want all that, please come back tomorrow, when we will go back to our regularly-scheduled tomfoolery and jackassery, and I will try to put in a couple of wacky photos I ganked from Google Images and make you laugh. I promise. I have some good shit coming up; it’s almost time to play with search engine terms again, and I have a very, very helpful advice column coming up this weekend full of NAUGHTINESS. So, yeah, those are coming. Today, though, this isn’t going to be funny, and if you’re only here for the funny, I do so apologize in advance.

This is Rick Santorum.

Rick Santorum is one of the four remaining Republican presidential candidates. The race for the Republican nomination has really been all over the board, but if I had to guess, I think it’ll probably end up between Gingrich and Romney. It could, possibly, go to Santorum, but I think the odds of that are slim. I think Ron Paul is out, though. He isn’t winning any of the primaries.

Rick Santorum hates a lot of things.

First and foremost, he hates those tricky sparkly rainbow-y gays. DUDE. Santorum could NOT HATE THE GAYS ANY HARDER IF HE TRIED. Some Santorum quotes about how he feels about homosexuality:

“Is anyone saying same-sex couples can’t love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother. Heck, I even love my mother-in-law. Should we call these relationships marriage, too? Marriage is and always has been more than the acknowledgment of the love between two people.”

I have a problem with homosexual acts…We have laws in states, like the one at the Supreme Court right now, that has sodomy laws and they were there for a purpose. Because, again, I would argue, they undermine the basic tenets of our society and the family. And if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does…Every society in the history of man has upheld the institution of marriage as a bond between a man and a woman…In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.”

OK, so in these two quotes (and there are more, THERE ARE SO MANY MORE, I just picked these two from so, so many, please feel free to search and find your own example of Santorum hate speech if you’d like) he’s comparing homosexuality to marrying his brother and mother-in-law, pedophilia, and bestiality.

Now, unless you totally have been living under a rock, you know about Dan Savage and the fact that he took offense at these statements and took matters into his own hands – if Santorum was going to redefine homosexuality, Savage was going to redefine Santorum. And he did. And it is awesome. Santorum totally stompy-stomped and “make it STOP” and wanted Google to take that shit DOWN and “this is DAMAGING my presidential DWEAMS” and whatever. Listen, if you start something, you can’t just decide, in this day and age, you want it to stop. You made derogatory comments about at LEAST 10% of the population and then didn’t like how they reacted? Hmm. That’s funny. They didn’t like how you compared them to dog-fuckers, either, but I don’t see you apologizing for that, or retracting your statements, or asking Google to remove that search result.

So I already hated Santorum, because anyone who thinks things like this, and says them, OUT LOUD, is immediately probably a brain-dead moron who deserves to be set on fire in a pit full of poisonous vipers (also, you know the saying “Methinks the lady doth protest too much?” Well. Methinks. METHINKS.)

Then, Friday, this shit happened.

OK, Santorum – already on my shit list – is a crazy Christian. As mentioned, to the point of I should probably get a damn teeshirt, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH CHRISTIANITY. Just don’t shove it in my face. Or any religion, really. Or any belief system. You tend to your own test paper, I’ll tend to mine, and we’ll all be happy, in the end, minding our own business.

Santorum isn’t just a Christian. Santorum is a CRAZY Christian. Like, the kind who’s all “I’m RIGHT! You’re WRONG! Hellfire! BRIMSTONE! Gays bad! Sex bad! WOMEN BAD BAD BAD!”

He wants women to stay home with the children. He wants no sex outside of marriage. NONE. At ALL. Even boring, plain, vanilla-with-no-chocolate-sauce-or-nuts-sex.

And, of course, OF COURSE, he wants to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies.

Did you click the link above? I know you all pretty well. Probably you didn’t.

In brief:

On Piers Morgan (when did Piers Morgan become a reputable news source? I find that humorous) Santorum explained that he was anti-abortion (we knew that, as I said, CRAZY CHRISTIAN) even in cases of rape. Because, and I totally quote, women that face such circumstances should “make the best out of a bad situation.”

Further:

“Well, you can make the argument that if she doesn’t have this baby, if she kills her child, that that, too, could ruin her life. And this is not an easy choice, I understand that. As horrible as the way that that son or daughter was created, it still is her child. And whether she has that child or she doesn’t, it will always be her child, and she will always know that. And so to embrace her and to love her and to support her and get her through this very difficult time, I’ve always, you know, I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created — in the sense of rape — but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you. As you know, we have to, in lots of different aspects of our life we have horrible things happen. I can’t think of anything more horrible, but nevertheless, we have to make the best out of a bad situation and I would make the argument that that is making the best.”

He also said that the decision to have a child born of rape was, for the mother – are you ready for this? –  “They found that they had made what was really a lemon situation into lemonade.”

OK.

I’m going to say this in the most succinct, yet probably most vulgar, way, you’ve seen from me, possibly ever. Please prepare yourself. Also, earmuff your children. Or, eyemuff, I guess, it’s not like this is an audiobook.

Until you have a MOTHERFUCKING VAGINA and you have been FORCIBLY FUCKING RAPED and find yourself PREGNANT WITH THAT FUCKER’S CHILD you have NO FUCKING RIGHT to tell anyone what they can and cannot do with that baby.

I’m far from the only person who took offense at this. Twitter blew up; here are a few blogs that mentioned it, if you’d like to read some other, probably more-intelligent, comments on the situation. (I especially like “God is the shittiest gift-giver ever.”)

Listen. There are certain things that should not be in the purview of politics. Women’s bodies and what we choose to do with them are one of them.  I sincerely don’t understand how this is a political issue. Because it isn’t. It’s two separate issues: it’s religious, one, and that’s not supposed to be allowed in politics (SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, WHY DOES THIS CONFUSE ANYONE) and two, it’s MEN attempting to keep WOMEN in their PLACE by putting fucking LAWS and RULES and REGULATIONS on what we can and can’t do with our own fucking bodies.

Let me reiterate what I said above, a little more descriptive-like.

Men.

You don’t have a vagina.

You don’t know what it’s like, probably (I mean, sure, there are some men who have been raped? In those cases, then, yes, I suppose you know what it’s like, and can sympathize – I certainly don’t mean to exclude men who have been raped, as it’s a horrible thing to happen to anyone, male or female, so yes, some men can relate, to some extent, but not to the extent of the pregnancy) to be forced into a sex act you do not want to participate in.

You don’t know what it’s like to carry that around, if you’re lucky enough to survive it. You don’t know what the weight of that’s like, in your chest and in your body and in your mind. You don’t know that you, for a very long time, sometimes, don’t feel like you’re lucky to have survived it, at all. You don’t know that you jump at shadows; you don’t know that you shy away from the touch of people who don’t want to harm you; you don’t know about the self-medicating and the self-harming and the self-recriminating. You don’t know what it’s like to be powerless, both during the act, and then after, for what feels like forever.

BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A FUCKING VAGINA AND YOU HAVEN’T FUCKING BEEN RAPED.

Then, well, look at this! What a lucky gift! A GIFT FROM GOD, right, Rick Santorum? You’re pregnant! With the rapist’s child!

You didn’t have a choice whether or not you wanted to participate in the act that created that child. Rick Santorum wants to make sure you CONTINUE to not have a choice; that you CONTINUE to be helpless; that your power CONTINUES to be out of your hands. Because men like Rick Santorum (and, hell, the rapist, too!) know what’s best. Just sit back, little lady. We got this. WE GOT THIS. This is a GIFT. From GOD. You just sit back and gestate. It’s your job. As a WOMAN. You had no choice THEN, you have no choice NOW. You had no voice then, and you sure as fuck have no voice now.

Make those lemons into lemonade, sweetie. It’s what you get for being born without a dick.

Now, listen. I’m not saying the opposite, either. I’m not advocating abortion. I am advocating choice. I am advocating that we should have the choice what we want to do with our bodies, as women. Because they are our bodies. OURS. We OWN them. We sure as hell don’t own a lot in this world, but our bodies are ours. And pieces of self-righteous shit like Rick Santorum shouldn’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do with mine. Since when does he get a say over my body? I don’t see him even tangentially involved with my life. Is he paying my bills? Is he genetically related to me (oh, my, please no)?

Is he God? Does he presume to know the will of God?

Here’s the thing. God created us all with free will. It’s mentioned in the Bible; it’s mentioned throughout popular literature. It’s one of the things that, hypothetically, God is supposed to love us all for the most; our ability to make our own choices. God did NOT create man to “free will” each OTHER when it comes to morality. I’m pretty sure THAT shit’s not in the Bible. OR IS IT, Santorum? Point it out to me, buddy. No, seriously. I’m waiting.

Rick Santorum: until you have been forcibly raped, you don’t get to tell a victim of a fucking CRIME how they can and can’t deal with the aftermath of that crime. YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT. If I saw you on the street right now, I’m pretty sure I’d be one of those loonies who’d get all red in the face and spitty and screamy. I’m so furious about this I can’t even deal.

So listen. I personally don’t know many Republicans? But if anyone who actually IS a Republican has gotten this far in this post? Please, as a personal favor to me, when it comes time to vote in your primary, vote for one of the other guys. I know the odds are slim that Santorum stands a chance, but I want him to LOSE. MISERABLY. I want him to WEEP. I want him to cry out “WHY GOD WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR MOST FAITHFUL SERVANT.” And I want God to reply: “Hey, Santorum: I created women in My image, too, you piece of judgmental shit. And I was getting really sick of you putting words in My mouth.”

Alright. Rant over. I promise to be twice as funny tomorrow. No, shit, wait, I don’t promise that, I can’t make promises I can’t possibly keep. I WILL TRY TO BE FUNNIER TOMORROW.

Be nice to each other, ok? Well, except Santorum. You all have my total and complete permission to be as mean to Santorum as you’d like.


Trust Me, Imagining the Audience Naked Just Makes the Situation More Uncomfortable.

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about the Rick Perry situation. What? Some of you are from other countries and couldn’t care less about the American political situation? That is totally un-American of you. What’s that? You’re NOT American so of COURSE you’re un-American? Well-played. I guess. But I still have my eye on you. My patriotic, red-white-and-blue, apple-pie eye.

OK, FINE, in case you HAVEN’T heard about the Rick Perry situation, here’s a brief recap.

Rick Perry is one of the contenders for Republican presidential candidacy. He’s currently the governor of Texas. This immediately makes me suspect him (coughDubyacough) but whatever, there are a lot of people in the running right now and they all have their various issues, including Gropey McGroperson and Crazy-Eyes McGillicutty. ANYWAY. Wednesday night, there was a debate of the Republican hopefuls, with their bright eyes and bushy tails and whatnot, and Rick Perry…poor Rick Perry.

Rick Perry was asked what three governmental agencies he would eliminate as president. I don’t know, I didn’t watch it, I guess this is something that they are talking about. I had better things to do, like playing with my phone or something, it was like five days ago, give me a break, I don’t even remember what I was doing last night. Anyway, Rick Perry’s response:

“It’s three agencies of government when I get there that are gone – Commerce, Education and the um, what’s the third one there? Let’s see. Oh five – Commerce, Education and the um, um,” Perry said.

Mitt Romney, standing two podiums to Perry’s right, offered the Environmental Protection Agency as a suggestion.

“EPA, there you go,” Perry said.

But then, the Texas governor quickly retracted his statement, saying the EPA doesn’t need to be eliminated but simply rebuilt.

Again, he tried to name the third mystery agency.

“But you can’t name the third one?” CNBC moderator John Harwood asked.

“The third agency of government I would do away with – the education, the uh, the commerce and let’s see. I can’t the third one. I can’t. Sorry Oops.”

The third agency Perry couldn’t think of was the Department of Energy, which he rails against on the stump nearly every day.

Perry finally remembered the third agency 15 minutes later after referring to his notes, saying “By the way, it was the Department of Energy I was talking about.”

Now, my father, who I turn to for matters of Republicanism, because honestly, he’s the only Republican I know (no, I’m totally exaggerating, I think I know three others?) had told me a few weeks ago, when we were discussing politics (which we try not to do with very much regularity because THERE IS A LOT OF YELLING and then we end up hanging up on each other, but with love, I think) and I asked about Rick Perry’s chances of getting the nomination, “Oh, he can’t get it. The man can’t debate. He’s just horrible. Horrible.”

Now, I’m not going to go into Perry’s politics, which I don’t agree with (I can’t support anyone who openly denounces LGBT issues and a woman’s right to choose, so therefore, it’s pretty obvious which side of the political fence I end up standing on each election season) but listen. LISTEN! I totally felt HORRIBLE about this debating situation.

What? You all thought it was SO FUNNY. And everyone was all “HOW DID HE GET TO BE GOVERNOR OF TEXAS?” and there were all the dumb jokes and I know, I KNOW, it’s totally a hoot when someone flames out on national television. I KNOW.

But seriously, I FELT SO BAD.

Have you ever had to public speak? IT IS THE WORST, you guys. Like, just the WORST. Do you know what people’s number one fear is? Clowns? Well, sure, clowns, clowns are awful, and I think they should be the number one fear, and it’s totally suspect that they’re not, like, clowns must have a really good PR person or something, or maybe they ate their PR person with their horrible gnashy clown-teeth, but NO, it is PUBLIC SPEAKING. And do you know why? BECAUSE IT IS UTTERLY TERRIFYING.

And I know what you’re thinking. AMY! You are thinking. You are an ACTRESS! You get in front of people ALL THE TIME! Well, sure, I used to. I don’t act much (or honestly, really, at all) anymore. But acting is one thing, and public speaking is totally a bird of a different pecky mean horrible shitting-on-your-head feathered murderous color. Or is it a horse? That sentence wouldn’t work if I put a horse in it. Horses don’t have feathers and they don’t shit on your head. Let’s pretend it’s a bird. It makes things easier all around.

When you act, you’re pretending to be someone else. You’re saying someone else’s words, you’re acting someone else’s mannerisms, you’re using your body and voice to be someone else. When the audience sees you, if you’re doing it right, they’re seeing the character, not you. They’re judging your acting, sure, but they’re also judging other criteria: the writing, the directing, the other actors, the lighting, the costumes, the set. Also, sometimes they laugh and clap and you totally feed off that like a leech. Yes, we, as actors, are leeches, feeding off your approval. DEAL WITH IT.

When you public speak, it’s like walking naked and bloody into a zombie convention. They’re judging YOU. Just you. There are no distractions. They’re looking at you. They’re judging your words. They’re giving you the hairy eyeball. And you know what’s easy to do? Lose your train of thought. Have a brain freeze. Just stand there. With no words. And a dry mouth. And a million eyes crawling all over you. Just you. Everyone staring at you.

I have to public speak a lot more than I’d like. People always think that I’ll be good at it because I’m a theater person. “You’ll be so good at this ha ha ha!” they say. Well, screw you, Charlie, THIS SUCKS AND I HATE YOU. So I have to get in front of an entire theater full of people and give the curtain speech about turning off your cell phones, or I have to give a team report in front of our annual office meeting, and this is what happens:

Ispeakveryveryfastanddonttakeanybreathsinbetweenmywordsinanefforttogetitall
outasquicklyaspossibletogetitoverwithsoIcangorockandweepinthebathroomstall.

And then people say, in a confused tone, “Boy! You sure do talk quickly!” Yeah. SHUT IT OR DO IT YOURSELF NEXT TIME.

And one time I had to give the curtain speech at my theater but also I was running lights and sound so I had to set the lights and sound, then run from the upstairs booth, down to the lobby, throw open the doors, run down the aisle, up the stairs to the stage, and then give the speech. Panting. Which was totally classy! And not at all weird! People did NOT know how to respond to that. I was all “Huh..huh…welcome….huh…huh…to… huh…whew! Just…a sec…” NICE. Not at ALL off-putting or serial-killery.

So I totally have sympathy for people who have trouble public speaking, because it makes my chest constrict like a snake is eating my upper body when I have to do it. And I have TRAINING in it. I get it. I totally get it. Anyone who gets in front of people and talks? Comedians or politicians or motivational speakers or crazy bug-eyed preachers or whatever? PROPS TO YOU.

Now, imagine you’re Rick Perry. It is a MILLION TIMES WORSE. The whole COUNTRY is looking at you. And you GET FLUSTERED. And you LOSE YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT. Gigantic train-wreck of a brain-freeze. I can’t even IMAGINE. Seriously, don’t you feel a little bad for him? Then I thought of his wife, and his kids, and I was just mortified about the whole situation. Just totally mortified. I mean, I don’t want the guy as my next president, or anything, but it is just so, so embarrassing. If I was watching, I would have had to turn it off. I can’t watch public embarrassment. Like when Michael would do something embarrassing on The Office? I always would cover my face. My friend Mer and I call moments like this nervous-making. Rick Perry forgetting the last agency he wanted to eliminate was so goddamn nervous-making I can’t even.

I know. I KNOW. He’s running for presidency. He NEEDS to be good at this. This is part of the JOB. Well, and I’m not saying he would be, because, as mentioned, I don’t agree with where he stands on the issues, but what if he was really, really good at everything else, but just bad at public speaking? Like most Americans? Then it seems like kind of a shame to count him out, right? Again, I AM NOT SAYING HE SHOULD GET THE NOMINATION. I haven’t done my research fully, and for all I know, Perry kills kittens and bathes in their blood to stay youthful-looking. I don’t know who should get it. It’s looking like it will be Romney, who has interesting hair. I don’t care. I can’t see that I’ll vote for whoever it is anyway, unless something really unexpected happens in the next year, like maybe Obama decides to round up all the homosexuals and women and have them fight to the death in a cage match, or something. Whatever, I have my priorities.

I didn’t find it as nervous-making when Palin was stumbling and bumbling all over herself in 2008, and I certainly didn’t find it as nervous-making when “THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH” Jimmy MacMillan was being a big weird glove-wearing moustache-wax weirdo at the New York gubernatorial debates last year, or when both Crazy Eyes Bachmann and folksy ol’ Palin decided to rewrite Paul Revere’s history and then REFUSED TO BACK DOWN ABOUT IT. I think because they owned their strangeness and mistakes and uneducated answers? Perry was SO EMBARRASSED. I mean, he went on Letterman and made FUN of himself. He tried to fix this SO BAD. The poor guy, I can’t even imagine. THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING YOU GUYS.

I just think we need to cut the guy a little slack. Is he the best presidential candidate? I don’t know. I’m not voting Republican, so honestly, whatever, it matters very little for me. But this was a very human thing that happened, that could have happened to anyone, no matter what your political party. And if you weigh stumbling over your words against allegedly sexually harassing four women and then having your lawyer encourage them to stay quiet about it oh wait that’s not what he’s doing except he kind of is? Honestly, I’m rooting for the guy who can’t talk over the guy who can’t keep his hands to himself, if I have to choose. But I don’t. Iowa does, in early January, and apparently, according to people more intelligent than myself, this is where we find out who’s going to come out on top.

Public speaking. Seriously, the worst. THE WORST. I know you’re surprised I have actual grown-up emotions about something. It’s a little shocking. I’ll try to be more flippant tomorrow.


There is very little doubt I would be the best Emmy voter in the WORLD.

The 2011 Primetime Emmy nominations came out today. As mentioned, I’m a TV junkie. I’m not in a 12-step program, or anything. I know I have a problem. I just don’t care to do anything to treat it right now, thank you. So, as someone who’s addicted to the so-called idiot box, I was very interested in how the nominations would turn out.
I know, I know. Awards shows are faith-healer hokum! No one cares! They are just an excuse for pretty people to wear fancy duds and applaud themselves! Whatever. Shut it. I love awards shows. LOVE THEM. Oscars first, then Golden Globes, then Emmys, then Tonys. I love the pomp and circumstance and stupid-long speeches and WTF moments and unexpected wins and sourpuss faces on the losers. LOVE THEM. And from the buzz online today, I’m not alone in this, so suck it, haters!
My thoughts on today’s announcements:
Justified deserves all good things. That show crackles. Are you watching this? If you’re not, Netflix it, as I am told most people in the land have Netflix (or currently do, but are super-pissed at some sort of price increase they’re planning on –sorry, I know nothing about this, I can’t even afford the cheapest Netflix plan! I have cable because I can’t cut the cord and need instant gratification and get all else free from the library!) It is really brilliant. Timothy Olyphant deserves a win for the way he wears his hat alone. Hell, the HAT should win an Emmy, just for the jaunty way it sits on his head, and how important it is to the narrative, sometimes. And Walter Goggins – ok, he’s an odd-looking duck, this guy. But something about the way he plays this character makes him very, very appealing. That deserves an award. Also, he’s totally badass, and once held a man out the window of his truck and drove away because the guy was being rude and he didn’t approve. Also, Margo Martindale? Her performance this season was flawless. If she doesn’t win, it will be a travesty. Her apple pie moonshine and Raylan’s hat should have been nominated, which you would understand if you watched the show. So watch the show, already.
I can’t get enough of The Good Wife, A Game of Thrones, andParks and Recreation, so was very happy to see the three of them nominated.
I feel like Chris Colfer and Jane Lynch’s nominations are kind of pity nominations. Like, the Emmy committee got together after watching Glee’s second season and said, “Aw, you guys, the show, it’s not good now, but Jane and Chris, they still rock it out, every week! They’re totally too good for the show! Can we – no, we can’t – can we?”and then they nominated them, and then threw in a nod for the show although it didn’t deserve it. Listen, I love Glee. I do. I watch it religiously. But season one had me cheering and clapping and crying and laughing and season two had me confused, angry and grumpy. Except for Kurt and Sue. They deserve the noms.
I feel like Melissa McCarthy wanted to say, “Ha, you skinnybitch, people DO want to see normal-sized people on television! Go eat some carbs and be judgey somewhere else!” I’ve only seen a few episodes of this show – I’m not a huge fan of this type of sitcom – but it’s really kind of well-done and touching. Melissa McCarthy is adorable. I plan on getting the whole season on DVD at some point and catching up.
I guess it’s true. Goonies never say die. Aw! Martha Plimpton! So happy for her! I feel like she’s a childhood friend who succeeded in the big bad world of television, or something. Her nom gave me the second biggest smile of the morning. (Shut up, my biggest was Peter Dinklage. I love the HELL out of Tyrion Lannister.)
Tina Fey, although still hysterical, I now, oddly enough, want to step out of the way so others have the chance to shine. I know! I feel like I’m betraying her. I love her to pieces but she’s been there so many times. It’s like, we KNOW, already, Tina, you’re the BEST THING EVER, but throw someone ELSE a bone already! (That being said, her book was one of the best I’ve read this year so far.) Also she’s up against one of her best friends (Amy Poehler.) Awkward or awesome? Would you be rooting for your best friend, or rooting for yourself? I think I’d be 90% rooting for her and 10% for me, and inside a little sad if I lost but mostly happy, especially if I’d already won. Right?
Is it often that a Saturday Night Live actress gets a nod for best supporting actress in a comedy? I don’t think it is. At least, I don’t remember it being so. You go, Kristen Wiig! Well-deserved. (Side note – I am a gigantic Saturday Night Live geek. Like, I went on the tour a few years ago in NYC, and kind of embarrassed my friend I was there with because I was so excited to be there I kept up a constant patter with the tour guide and answered all of her questions and had crazy overbright eyes and wanted to see everything and I think was kind of scary. But I love it. I’ve read all the books about it; I still don’t miss a single episode, even when it’s stupid, although I have been known to fast forward the dumber sketches, though. I’m not tasteless. Just a fan.)
I’m pleased to see Steve Buscemi get a nod. Although this got me strange looks on Twitter today, I’ll admit it, I have a crush on Buscemi. I know, I know. He’s kind of weird-looking. But I have a thing for men with character, and he’s got that. I also get crushes on actors who are wildly talented, and he’s got that, too. I love how angry he gets. I like passion. I’ve liked him since Reservoir Dogs and Trees Lounge and how could you not find him adorable and smooshy in Ghost World? I haven’t seen Boardwalk Empire but it’s on my list of things to watch.
I HATE the best supporting actor in a drama category this year. It is too difficult. How the hell can I choose between Goggins, Dinklage and Cumming? That’s like choosing your favorite cut of bacon. They are all delicious. I’m going to have to give the edge to Dinklage, but I love the other two almost as much. Seriously, though, Dinklage rocked the hell out of Tyrion Lannister. The character was just as wonderful as in the book, only MORE so. How is that possible? Dinklage. I give it to him. But Cumming and Goggins were also very good this year.
What the hell does John Noble have to do to get a nom? I’m completely serious, here. This year he played TWO VERSIONS OF HIMSELF. Who were both equally awesome, in totally opposite ways. And he doesn’t get a nod? Emmy voters aren’t watching Fringe. They can’t be, right? Because he is amazing in this. The show itself is brilliant, and he is the best thing in an already wonderful show.
Community is the funniest show on television. Like, gasping-for-air funny. I’ve had to re-watch because I’ve missed things because I’ve been laughing too hard to hear them. Are the Emmy voters mad at Joel McHale for mocking them on The Soup at one point or another? Or at Chevy Chase for his SNL years or his rumored douchiness? It’s really good, Emmy voters. Seriously. Better than Parks and Rec, which is very good.
I will never understand categorization. Nurse Jackie and The Big C are comedies? I don’t watch them, but from what I understand, Nurse Jackie’s about a nurse with a drug habit and The Big C  is about someone struggling with a cancer diagnosis. So, laugh riots, then?
Best supporting actor in a comedy is kind of stacked toward Modern Family. I feel like the cast will rough up Duckie and Kurt in the bathroom beforehand. But they won’t do a very good job of it, because they’re kind of bumbling. Well, except for Jay, who I think would be tough in a fight. So watch out for Jay, Duckie and Kurt. I think he’d be a force to be reckoned with.
Mirielle Enos did NOTHING on The Killing. She stood around stone-faced and then moped stone-faced and then ran around angry and then was stone-faced again. Unless she’s a clown or on the manic end of manic-depression in real life, this is a stupid nomination. Also, Michelle Forbes isn’t a good actress. Is this blasphemy? Because Hollywood keeps casting her. And I think she’s awful. Others agree with me. I’m not the only one who thinks this. So why does she keep getting cast in things? I see her and I just cringe.

Sherlock should have been nominated for bigger awards. The acting on that show is stellar. I mean, I get the editing, music, visual effects noms, and they’re warranted. But Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman deserve nominations. They are fantastic. I’m glad it’s coming back for another season.

Missing from nominations: The Walking Dead, True Blood, and Neil Patrick Harris (along with John Noble and Community that I’ve previously mentioned.) All of these shows/people deserved something.
So what did you think? Agree? Disagree? Think awards shows suck and are a huge waste of time which could be better spent volunteering for some cause like homeless puppies (in which case, yes, homeless puppies are awesome, but AWARDS SHOWS ARE MY SUPERBOWL SO LAY OFF BUCKO)?

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