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Category Archives: nephew

How to make a perfect birthday

It was a lovely birthday, and to cap it off I am going to bed early, because I think a good night’s sleep is important. Don’t you? Well, you SHOULD. (Mostly I just want to curl up with a book and read a little before I nod off, because that’s one of my favorite ways to fall asleep. I like to fall asleep with exquisite words in my brain. This book isn’t especially exquisite, but it’ll do.)

I had a kajillion good wishes today: from Facebook, Twitter, email, REAL mail, text, the phone…I really was surrounded by all the love today. Can anyone wish for more on their birthday? Some people might want fancy meals and dancing and drinking and all that flash and such. I really want for nothing more than people telling me they remember me and love me once a year. (Well, they can tell me ANYTIME. But it means just a little bit more on your birthday, doesn’t it?)

Best of all (and there was a lot of best) I got a card from The Nephew (and his mom) and The Nephew wrote MY name and HIS name and I’m telling you right now there were tears on that card when I opened it. What a smart kiddo. He’s going places, that nephew of mine. He’s only been in school for a month, and he can write his name! And apparently MY name! Get ready, world, kiddo’s going to take you over ANY DAY NOW.

And, then to top it all off, I got a call and guess who it was? THE NEPHEW! And he said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” and he actually talked to me for a little while, which he never does!

Things The Nephew and I discussed:

How much I loved his card and how smart he was that he could write both of our names on it (“I know!”)
How he was liking school (“I do NOT like school!”)
WHY he was not liking school (“BORING BORING BORING”)
That school is often boring for very smart kids, and it will get better (“How do YOU know?” “I was a smart kid too, buddy.” “YOU WERE?”)
A strange thing (“I don’t think my daddy thinks I am smart.” “Oh, buddy! Of course he does!” “NO. My daddy never told you that.” “Of course he did. He thinks you are the smartest kid he knows.” “HA HA! No. Daddy didn’t say that to you!” This was all very curious, as I am quite sure his father has OFTEN told him how intelligent he is. We all remark on it regularly, because he amazes us with his super-quick brain. I asked his mom about it and she said, “I have no idea where he comes up with these things. Then he argues with you about them until he gets SO ANGRY. It’s a new thing he does.” I think he’s honing his speech and debate skills, maybe.)

Then the hung up on me, and called me right back (well, I assume his mom did) and I said, “Did you hang up on me?” and he said, “Yes, but not on PURPOSE” and then he said nothing else and I said, “Are we done with the phone now, buddy?” and he said, “Um. Yes!” and I said, “OK, does your mom want to talk to me?” and he said, “YES!” and I said, “OK. I love you so much! Bye!” and he said, “Bye! I love you!” and my whole heart lit up like a Lite Brite.

Kiddo’s got me wrapped all around his little finger, you know. It’s shameless, how much I adore him.

That was a very good birthday gift. The best.

It was, overall, just a perfect birthday.

Thank you for such a happy day. Onward into the next year! Soon it will be time for a very exciting trip south to have a very grand adventure! Only two more days of work! Which I’m sure will feel like seventeen years of work, because that’s how time works, isn’t it?

Happy rest of your week, people. The bed’s calling me, as is the book. Best way to finish a birthday I can think of at the moment; I’ll take advantage of it, I believe.

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Winning at Aunting is Exhausting

In news of THANK GOODNESS, the power is back on. I have never been so happy to see lights in my life. IN MY LIFE. That was 48 hours without power. I’m not made for roughing it. I’m a soft-bellied city mouse, dammit.

But that comes later in our story, really.

SO! What have I been up to, here in the mountains on vacation, most of that time spent without power?

So many things. Most of them happily Nephew-related.

So early Sunday morning, my brother brought The Nephew up for a day of camp adventures. I was a little nervous. I love my nephew more than…well, anyone, but I’ve never watched him for a whole day before. Not by myself anyway. What if he hated me? What if we ran out of things to do?

Plus there still was no power, so watching DVDs was out. The kid sure does love his DVDs.

I wasn’t allowed to bring him outside because he reacts badly to insect bites and there are many bugs up here. Big ones like bitey horseflies and small ones like pesky blackflies and almost-invisible ones like gnats and midges. I also react badly to insect bites, but not like he does. He swells all up and itches and itches.

So I took out ALL THE TOYS (that’s a lot of toys) and despaired over the fact that we had no power for cool beverages or toilet-flushing or hand-washing (or showering, sigh, but that was more a selfish wish) and then THE NEPHEW ARRIVED!

I immediately won him over by giving him the gigantic Geico gecko that Klout sent me a while ago. “His name is Gecky!” The Nephew said happily. It’s easy to win over children. I think when he’s 15 or so it’ll be a little harder to win him over, but I’ll take what I can get.

Here are things about four-year-olds that are important to know.

They are VERY ACTIVE. It’s all one thing, to another thing, to another thing, all day long. And not very long on each thing. Legos to books to card games to games to cars, back to card games. It’s like babysitting a hummingbird. An adorable, beloved hummingbird.

They are VERY PUNCHY. He likes to hit. And run at me from far distances and tackle. And headbutt. And leap on me from things like ottomans. I’m all over little nephew-bruises. If I asked him to stop, he would be sad. “But I LIKE it!” he would say, with a very trembly lip. “But it hurts me!” I told him. “That’s ok, because it’s fun!” he replied. Hmm. That seems like suspect logic to me. (But also like the logic of many of my exes…so maybe he’s just really advanced for his age, I don’t know.)

They say wonderful things. When I made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, he said, “This is LOVELY!” and “You must really love me, to have made this for me!” (I do, kiddo. I really, really do.) When I tried to get him to take a nap, he stalled with things like, “Aunt Amy, I am very sad because my blanket is too small” and “I can’t sleep because your hair is too beautiful.” He finally fell asleep, and when I woke him up, he said, “I wasn’t really sleeping. I was just on the bed with my eyes open the whole time.” When we went out to dinner with his dad that night, he said he couldn’t eat any more because he had “too much full.”

They are little sponges for knowledge. It’s glorious. He asked me why a billion times and I never got tired of it. “What’s this book?” “That’s the book Aunt Amy finished while you were napping.” “It’s not a book for me?” “No.” “Why?” “It doesn’t have any pictures and it’s really violent.” “Why?” “Because grownup people like that.” “Why?” “Because it’s an escape from their boring lives, I think.” “Why?” “Oh, life’s confusing when you’re a grownup, kiddo. You have to do a lot of things that aren’t fun to earn the money to do the things you want to do.” “Why?” “Capitalism, I think.” “Why?” “Well, if you ask your grandfather, he’ll tell you the liberal agenda…but I think it’s just life, to be honest. You make the best of what you’ve got.” “Oh. Can we play that Pooh matching game again?” “Yes, we can.”

He also loves rhyming words and nonsense words right now. If you tell him not to throw the ball, he’ll reply with “Can I throw the tall mall doll?” and giggle. If you reply with “No, but you can throw the fleegall” he laughs SO HARD and says “fleegall fleegall fleegall!”

They love snacks, but not food that is good for them. “Can I have Kit Kat bars? What about those things that are under the Kit Kat bars that look like cookies? Do you know why I am very sad? Because you won’t let me have more candy. I think it would be good to have more candy because I love it.”

(I think this should be a category all on its own: they are very manipulative. But not very good at it.)

However, at the end of the day, they say things like, “Aunt Amy, do you know what? I love you,” and your whole heart melts into a puddle.

We played games, we played with toys, we watched movies on his dad’s very small DVD player he brought up that plugged into a charger-thingy, he took a nap, we read many books (one of them four times, he loved it so) and we had a good time, despite two tiny breakdowns that I was able to jolly or distract him out of. (Said breakdowns were due to me not allowing him to hit a ball with a paddleball board into a wall full of glass-framed photographs. He was SO SAD I didn’t think that was a good idea.)

I’m pretty sure I win aunting. I kept him in one piece, unbitten by bugs, fed, laughing almost the whole time, entertained, and when he was on his way home, he said, “Goodbye, Aunt Amy, I love you!”

Win.

When I got home from dinner, there was POWER!!!

!!!!!

I was able to put food in the fridge, do dishes with REAL HOT WATER!, and – SIGH – take a shower. A nice hot shower. Utter luxury, that shower. Do not underestimate the glory of a shower after you are unable to have one for a while.

Today I have been the laziest human being alive. I read. I napped. I played on the internet. Said nap was interrupted by Dad calling, worried he hadn’t heard from me in a few hours and thought I might be dead. “Dad! I called and left you a message not to call because I was napping!” I said. “Oh, I deleted that because I was going to call you,” Dad helpfully said.

The rest of the week will be less relaxy, I think. We have plans for movies with The Nephew, a trip out of state (Dad has come up with a grand plan!), lunch with Mom, a trip to see Helper Mule, visiting my grandmother, and dinner and a play with Mom. All the things! Not to mention more reading and blogging and internetting and napping. All hail vacation!

I hope you are all having the best weeks. More mountainy adventures soon. And lots of photos when I get home (it’s much too hard to upload photos in a post from the app – they appear at the bottom, and to get them in the right place, you have to do this really time-consuming thing I won’t go into because it will bore you to tears. Photos soon. Promise.)

20130722-171229.jpg

(I had to give you ONE photo. Here’s the kiddo sound asleep. I’ve had a lot of accomplishments in life, but this one’s one of my most proud.)


And I’m not even being sarcasmic.

This is the only photo of me at the party. Those are my hands protecting the Buzz Lightyear candle from blowing out in the wind. I AM HELPFUL!

This is the only photo of me at the party. Those are my hands protecting the Buzz Lightyear candle from blowing out in the wind. I AM HELPFUL!

Things The Nephew told me at his birthday party yesterday:

“You can never have enough ketchup, Aunt Amy.”

“I like ketchup on hot dogs. And on meatloaf. And on eggs, but only SCRAMBLED eggs. But not on cake!”

“AUNT AMY SAYS SHE IS BEING SARCASMIC, MOM!”

“Are you done with your drink? Because I need this cup in the pool so I can make a waterfall and also soak the other kids.”

“Nocturnal animals are active in the NIGHT and sleep in the DAY. They are like bats, and also owls. Sometimes bunnies, but not always bunnies.”

“No one ate that cake, so if you hide it, I can eat it tomorrow and it can be all mine. Can you do that?”

“Do I have to eat the eyeballs on the cupcake? I don’t think I would like to eat eyeballs.”

“Do you know what I like to eat the best? Watermelon. If you don’t like watermelon, you COULD eat strawberries. It’s ok.”

“I can’t bring my remote control car in the pool. It could probably float, but battery toys don’t go in the pool, Mom said.”

“Someone needs to go get the car out of the grass because it stopped working and it’s not fun for me anymore. Who do you think will go do that?”

“I don’t want to say goodbye to you right now because I am making waterfalls in the pool but maybe I will later.”

Happy fourth birthday, my most amazing, wonderful, brilliant nephew. You make the whole world better by existing. You can always have my cup for making waterfalls in the pool, and when no one’s looking, I’ll eat those pesky eyeballs off your cupcakes so you don’t have to.

Love you more than I ever thought possible. And then a little bit more besides. You’ve got my entire heart, kiddo.

(He got his wish, whatever it was. Powerful lungs on The Nephew.)

(He got his wish, whatever it was. Powerful lungs on The Nephew.)


I Thought It Would Be Funny: A Day of Adventure With The Nephew

I have actual real things to blog about. Real topics. I KNOW SHOCKING. Like, I have them all saved with notes and such. But my brain’s all scattery and I have a million other things bopping around in it so I can’t actually force myself to sit down and concentrate on them.

It’s a day off today for me, which is so nice, I can’t even tell you. Yesterday? I TOOK A NAP. I haven’t taken a nap, other than when I’ve been sick, in probably years. Because when I take a nap, it throws off my sleep schedule. But I didn’t have to get to bed overly early last night, and I was sleepy in the afternoon (even though I totally slept well the night before) and I thought, you know what? I’m going to take a decadent little siesta. And I DID. And it was GLORIOUS. And I still slept last night, too. And had trouble waking up when the alarm went off this morning. So apparently, this long weekend was for sleeping. All the sleeping. Every last bit of it. And it’s been GRAND. I only wish I could bank all that sleep for the days I’m not getting enough.

Aw, look, a little sleep bank. I like that.

Aw, look, a little sleep bank. I like that.

I also finally took down the Christmas decorations (yes, I’m aware Christmas was almost a month ago, I hadn’t gotten around to it yet) and cleaned up the house a little and wrote and watched television and paid bills and petted Dumbcat and baked cookies and talked to my parents and did all good things. It was a very productive day.

And TODAY, I woke up to an email with the best news EVER EVER, which I can’t go into detail about yet, but will as soon as I can (it’s good, it’s SO SO GOOD) and also in fifteen minutes I’m taking off to spend a few hours with The Nephew in his new house. I can’t wait to see him. The cookies referred to above were for him, by the way. I can’t bring him gifts EVERY time I see him, that’d be absurd, right? So in lieu of gifts, I’m bringing him and his mom some homemade chocolate-chip cookies. Not JUST cookies, but my SPECIAL chocolate-chip cookies, which are the best recipe I’ve ever tried and they’re utterly delicious. I think he’ll approve. (I mean, the kid loves his desserts. His face gets all excited when there are desserts involved. Apparently, the last time he was at my parents’ house, he opened the fridge and stuck his finger in a cherry pie “just to see what it tasted like.” Hee!)

So my house smells like baking right now. I’m pretty sure if a man were to come over here, I could woo ’em with the scent alone. Just saying.

And I have another busy week coming up – dinner with friends Wednesday, theater stuff Friday, work Tuesday-Saturday. Plus I really need to start reading those one-acts for the play festival we have in July. It is my job, after all. Sigh. Those aren’t going to be a fun read. They never are.

Also, for no apparent reason, my apartment is like a fridge right now, even though the heater keeps going off. So that’s perplexing. WARM UP, APARTMENT. I AM CHILLY. Like, I’m seriously thinking of purchasing a Snuggie.

ZOMG, look at all the uses. SO MANY USES!

ZOMG, look at all the uses. SO MANY USES!

Now, time has passed since I started this. I know, it’s like the magic of blogging, right? I am home from my adventure with The Nephew. And it was TOTALLY an adventure. Listen, even if things aren’t an adventure, I make them so. That’s the way I am.

So first, I’d never been to either The Nephew’s new house, or the town he currently resides in. So it was GPS time. I popped in the address. All was well! All was good! I got in the car! Yay, yay! I put on loud, cheerful music! Ba-BAM! Ready to go! The town is about half an hour away, so here we go!

About five minutes into the drive I realized something was terribly wrong. TomTom was giving me the silent treatment.

This is the face TomTom would have been making. Had TomTom a face. Which it doesn't. Because it is a machine, sheesh.

This is the face TomTom would have been making. Had TomTom a face. Which it doesn’t. Because it is a machine, sheesh.

I didn’t have it on mute. I had the volume turned all the way up. Everything else was working perfectly. TomTom was just not telling me where to turn. So I could SEE where to turn, but the whole point of TomTom is that you don’t have to take your eyes off the road much. You can mostly listen to it, and every once and a while when it gets confusing, you peek over briefly. Well, I had to peek over ALL THE TIME once I got off the highway, because the rest of the trip was all small roads and traffic circles and such, and TomTom was all “we’re playing the game of who can stay silent the longest” and THAT was disconcerting.

So I finally got there – while beseeching TomTom to please talk to me, what’d I do, baby, please talk to me, don’t do this, you’re only hurting YOURSELF, TomTom, I can’t lose you, DON’T DO THIS TO US, TOMTOM, think of the good times, don’t give up on us, baby! – and there was the house! And I knocked and no one came to the door and I was all, “Oh, well, this is bad, maybe it’s all a dream” but then K. came to the door because The Nephew had been in the bathroom.

AND THEN THERE WAS THE NEPHEW!

He ran into the hallway all happy-faced and big-eyed and said “Aunt Amy Aunt Amy HELLO!” and LAUNCHED himself up into my arms for a big hug and I picked him up and gave him that big hug and he said “I want to show you my room!” and I said, “I want to SEE your room!” and he said, “OK! Let’s go!”

So he gave me a kiddo-tour of his new place. “This is my KITCHEN! This is my LIVING ROOM! This is the BATHROOM! Where you PEE! This is MOMMY’S room! THIS IS MY ROOM! That is the basement, sometimes you have to go down those steps.” He gave that door a very mistrustful look. Can’t say as I blame him. Basements are a frightening affair.

I don't trust you, basement.

I don’t trust you, basement.

“Do you want to play with me?” he said. When your beloved nephew asks you such a thing, the answer is always yes. No other answer will do.

So we played with Thomas the Tank Engine trains, and some Toy Story 3 dolls (Lotso Bear was the badguy, and Buzz Lightyear and one of those little “the CLAW!” aliens were the good guys) and a wrestling playset that had a spinny circle in the middle that launched the wrestlers into the bouncy elastic side of the ring, and that made him laugh and laugh (there was a monster on the side of the ring, and he was very careful to tell me, “this isn’t a real monster, though. It’s just a TOY monster.” I get the feeling someone had to tell him that once or twice.) We also played with some Matchbox cars. Mostly this involved him driving them off the dresser and me catching them as they crashed. “Do they like crashing like that?” I said. “YES! They LOVE it!” he enthused. OK, then, well, it must be true. He also showed me his books (“You could read ALL of these to me!” he said) and his bed (“I sleep there!”) and his Wii (“You can’t bang on this, or it breaks, right, Mommy?”) and he kept running from room to room like a little Tasmanian Devil so I got dizzy. I think parenting might be exhausting. Why didn’t you people warn me parenting is exhausting? Kids don’t sit still very often, is what I learn whenever I see The Nephew. They are always go-go-going.

Lotso is TOTALLY a bad guy. The Nephew and I are in agreement on this one. "He put them in the FIRE!" The Nephew said, in a scowly way.

Lotso is TOTALLY a bad guy. The Nephew and I are in agreement on this one. “He put them in the FIRE!” The Nephew said, in a scowly way.

He also wanted me to participate in “Family Fun Night” which apparently entailed watching movies on Mommy’s bed. “But it’s day! Can we have Family Fun Night during the day?” I asked. “Yes we can!” he said. “Well, it’s like Family Fun Night has no rules!” I told him. He thought about this very seriously. “No, there are rules,” he said. “No hitting, no biting, no lying, and…um…no hitting.” “Those are very good rules, The Nephew,” I said. “I try to live by those rules every day, myself.”

(I didn’t tell him I’m not always successful. He’ll learn that soon enough, why burst his bubble now?)

Then he had one of the cookies I made. “These are EXCELLENT,” he told me. Hee! Excellent. Nice. Also he had some lunch, but mostly he didn’t want that lunch. He doesn’t like eating very much. So instead of eating, he dripped soup all over and put his sandwich in the soup and dripped THAT all over and nibbled his sandwich and apple like a baby bird.

Then he did a thing which made me realize for the billionth time I would be a terrible mother.

He, for no real reason, tore off a piece of sandwich and dropped it in his chocolate milk. Then he tried to retrieve it, but he couldn’t because it was too deep in the cup.

“Well, I can’t drink my milk now!” he announced.

“You shouldn’t have put sandwich in there. Do you want some water?” his mother said.

This was not the answer he wanted. I think he wanted her to replace it with a whole new cup of milk. He got the dangerous pouty lower lip.

“No. Maybe I could get it out with my fingers?” he said, tearfully and doubtfully.

“No, you already tried that. You know that doesn’t work. You could drink the milk with the sandwich in there. It’s ok,” his mom said.

This brought on a full-on toddler tearstorm. “NO I CANNOT!” he wailed.

“Well, The Son, why did you put your sandwich in your cup in the first place?” she asked. K. is a very good mom. She is the most patient. I was standing there trying not to giggle. Because he was SO SAD about that piece of sandwich in his milk. Good gracious.

SO SAD!!! *not The Nephew; dramatic re-enactment only

SO SAD!!! *not The Nephew; dramatic re-enactment only

“I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FU-HU-HU-NEEEE!” he sobbed.

That’s when I totally lost it and had to turn away so he didn’t see his beloved aunt cracking up. He put a piece of sandwich in his milk because it had comedy potential; the joke backfired, and now he was left with chocolate milk that tasted of grilled cheese sandwich. ZOMG LIFE WAS SO HARD. Also, this seems an apt analogy for a lot of things I do in my life. I’ve had a lot of things backfire that I did because I thought they would be fu-hu-hu-neee.

K., with a totally straight face (I think if you’re a mom you have to probably practice keeping a poker face in the mirror, or something) said “What if I fished that out with a spoon?”

His tears IMMEDIATELY stopped. “I want to do it.”

“If you eat two bites of your sandwich, I’ll let you do it,” she said. TRICKY! And SMART!

He promptly ate two sandwich-bites and then fished the offensive sandwich-piece out of his cup and drained the rest of his chocolate milk. SUCCESS AND VICTORY FOR THE LITTLE GUY!

He also started punching his mom really hard in the leg. “I thought there was no hitting?” I said. “This is not HITTING,” he said. “This is MARKING. It’s like TAPPING but HARDER.” Then he did it a few more times. It sincerely looked like hitting to me. “Marking marking MARKING!” he said gleefully. “I think it’s time for a new rule,” his mom said, with painful-face. “No hitting, biting, lying, or marking.” The Nephew made a VERY sad face at this news. “It is just HARD TAPPING!” he wailed. Aw, kiddo. I think you might be a lawyer someday. You really have a very good answer for everything.

Then it was naptime and time for Aunt Amy to morph back into her alter-ego, “just plain old Amy” and go home.

I got one more launched-from-across-the-room hug and sandwichy kiss and I told him I loved him and I would see him soon. “OK!” he said gleefully. Aw, buddy. In the grand scheme of things and people, I love you more than anyone. Shh, don’t tell everyone else, they’ll get a complex. I also gave K. a hug, don’t even think I didn’t.

Then I got back in the car and guess what? TomTom apparently got over his snit and was talking to me again. What the hell? THAT was weird. When did my TomTom become like a passive-aggressive teen boyfriend?

And now I am back in my strangely freezing apartment and Dumbcat is keeping my legs warm because it’s like a fridge in here still. VERY MYSTERIOUS.

There was my Monday in a nutshell. A very large and long and probably rambly nutshell. Thanks for the day off, new job, you’re the best.

Hope you all had lovely long weekends! Real posts with real content soon. I hope. I think. We’ll see. I have topics and everything. I promise! Really! Would I lie to you? I can NOT lie to you. That would be breaking the rules of Family Fun Night, you see. That’s a total no-no.


Oh, say can you see my eyes? If you can, then my hair’s too short…

It’s been a crazy week. Finally calming down now. I did ALL the things! All of them. Every last one. I know. It’s impressive.

Now I can relax a little and breathe and enjoy my real weekend that’s coming up soon soon soon. AND, in news of AWESOME, on Monday, which I have off because I work at an amazing place that gives actual holidays off, possibly for the first time in my LIFE, thank you new job that I love more and more every day and also MERKA for giving me a holiday on Monday, I will be hanging out with THE NEPHEW! His mom said he was asking about me the other day! I AM SO EXCITED! We will have some sort of adventure. I get to see their new house, and hang out with my favorite little guy. I’m very excited and totally counting the days. NEPHEW ADVENTURES! HOLIDAYS! I might just be so excited I’m flapping my hands all around like a looney.

Just in case you need your daily dose of the cutest little guy in the history of ever, here’s The Nephew and his very first snowman.

There might be cuter photos in the world, but I don’t know of them AND I DON’T WANT TO. Look at that FACE! SO HAPPY! I cannot wait to see him again!

ALSO, tonight, I treated myself to a real haircut. Well, I mean, my other haircuts in the past weren’t FALSE haircuts. They HAPPENED. But they were at Supercuts. Now, I’m not running down Supercuts. It’s fine, and you can get a haircut in like twenty minutes for about $20. So that’s nice, especially for busy poor people.

But it’s not like they do anything GOOD with your hair. You have a choice of “I’d like a trim” or “shave my head” or “give me a mullet” and that’s about it. And you kind of have to go in knowing what you want, because it’s not like you can trust them. You don’t know those people.

Or NOT every time, just when you're poor. Really poor.

Or NOT every time, just when you’re poor. Really poor.

So I’ve been going to the same stylist for years and years to make my eyebrows less scary. YES! It is TRUE! I have insane scary eyebrows. Left unchecked, I look like a crazyperson. I’m not even exaggerating. I’ve seen old photos of myself before I started getting them done and I say, “Oh holy hell why didn’t anyone TELL me I looked like that, my friends should be yelled at.” My stylist is wonderful and funny and affordable and I don’t trust anyone else in the world to make my eyebrows look like a normal person’s eyebrows. If your eyebrows look normal without upkeep, you are a lucky human. Thank your genetics.

I was trying to find a photo that looked like my "before" eyebrows but found this instead and now I'm just confused.

I was trying to find a photo that looked like my “before” eyebrows but found this instead and now I’m just confused.

So the last time I was there, I thought, I need a haircut. Everyone who leaves after having her do their hair looks not only beautiful, but happy. I’m totally going to splurge and have her do my hair. Because listen, I’m totally serious about this, I haven’t gotten a haircut in a year. A YEAR. That sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s the most true. The last haircut I got was last January. I remember and everything. It’s not like I’m haircut-averse, per se. I just don’t bother. I have other things to do. Plus my hair just does what it wants, so why bother, you know?

So I made an appointment with my lovely stylist and then she moved to a new salon and left me a panicky message all “You’re still coming, I hope?” and of course I was. I’ve followed her to two different salons, I’m happy to move to a third one as long as she’s there.

The new salon is FANCY, yo. They offered me a BEVERAGE. I felt like the time I got accidentally put in first-class on an airplane and I was all, “these cookies are all for me? this hot towel is for me? This whole big bottle of water is all for me?” because I am country mouse in the city. Always and forever.

Then I got fancy haircut. She said, “What do you want to do?” and I said, “I don’t know. What do YOU want to do? All I want is to keep most of the length, because I love how long it’s gotten. And something easy, because mostly I’m lazy. Otherwise, I trust you.”

She liked that a lot. That’s why she’s the best, because when I say “go to it,” she does. If you say that at Supercuts, you might walk out looking like a mental patient who got left alone in a room for twenty minutes with a Flowbee.

Flowbeeeeeee!

Flowbeeeeeee!

First she was all, “your hair has some natural curl to it. Let’s do something to enhance that.” Then she played with it a little more, and decided that no, she wanted to give it a blowout to see what THAT looked like. I was just along for the ride. I had never had anyone that excited about my unruly hair before.

So she put in pretty layers and blowdried it for a billion years (yeah, that’s…not going to happen in my life, that seems like a lot of work) and then taught me pretty things I could do with it involving twists and curls and bobby pins and mousse. These are things that I might or might not try at some point. I’m fairly lazy, hair-wise.

ANYWAY, I paid less than I probably should have for all that magic (YES, I totally gave her a tip, she works SO HARD and she’s a kickass single mom and I love her so much and she’s such a hard worker) and then I came home and just stared in the mirror and swung my hair around like a shampoo ad.

What’s that? You want to see? YOU TOTALLY CAN. (Well, if you follow me on Twitter or are my friend on Facebook or are my cat, you already did, but if you are just a PERSON, you can see NOW.)

Pretty and shiny and smooth! LIKE A BUSINESSLADY!

Also, I like this photo, it looks like I have a secret. I totally do, too. MULTIPLE secrets. NO, I won’t tell you what they are, then they wouldn’t be secrets, now would they.

And now I have to go to bed, because it is late late, and I have to go to work tomorrow and do work-things. As I do.

I’ve totally knocked a bunch of things off my to-do list over the past few weeks, I feel very accomplished.

Happy weekend, everyone! Enjoy, do many things, be happy, be safe, be brave, be fearless, love your faces.

(You totally win imaginary prizes if you got that the title was from the titular song of the musical Hair. ALL THE IMAGINARY PRIZES. Since they’re imaginary, dream yourself something awesome, yo. Also, hee, “titular.”)


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