Category Archives: music

The Agony and The Ecstasy of Having a Very Popular Name, Part Two

Well, we learned a lot on Saturday.

  • I was supposed to be Amos. I would have been a hayseed with overalls, most likely. Driving a tractor.
  • There are a lot of songs with my name in the title; however, they are not all good. Or even slightly tolerable.
  • I like the name Ermentrude.
  • “Amy” is a very rah-rah-sis-boom-bah cheerleader name, and, as discussed, I am anything but rah-rah. I’m more growl-growl.

I meant to discuss what my CRITERIA were, in the last post, for what makes a very good Amy-song. But got distracted. Probably by that song where that guy said he was in a band, but it was just him, and he purported to have been making out with someone named Amy by the water but I think we can all agree no one ever made out with him willingly.

Criteria for a good Amy-song:

  • Catchy.
  • Extra points for it being romantic. (I’m a total sucker for sad songs.)
  • A song that, were someone to woo me with it, I would totally be wooed. TOTALLY be wooed. (Knowing an Amy-song is a total romantic coup with me.)
  • Says “Amy” not ONLY in the title, but in the lyrics as well.

Otherwise – well, it’s kind of nebulous. It’s tough to say what kind of song will work for me and what won’t.

So, let’s see what we have today! Ready for more Amy-songs? YAY! ME TOO!

“Amy’s Back in Austin” – Little Texas

This man has a most prodigious mullet.

This song is foolish, and I care not for it at all. It’s not good, and the story isn’t very interesting. A girl and a guy move away together but then they break up and she moves away and he misses her! Um. BORING.

Check out that mullet, though.

SIDE NOTE: I am quite desperate to visit Austin, Texas. I think Austin and I would get along very well.

Grade: C

“Amy’s Song” – Joshua Radin

(Side note: I have a huge crush on Joshua Radin. I love his voice and I think he’s utterly adorable. He was in the season finale of Cougar Town – YES, I watch that, SHUT UP, it is HILARIOUS – and he was just supposed to be some guy on the street, you weren’t supposed to RECOGNIZE him, and I was all “ZOMG JOSHUA RADIN!” and I played that part over and over about seven times.)

That being said, I don’t love this song. It’s only an Amy-song in the title, and it’s kind of annoying and a little whiny. That makes me sad. I had high hopes for this, being my man Joshua Radin and all. Sorry, Joshua Radin. I will, however, still listen to “You Got Growin’ Up to Do” over and over some days. It’s a thing I do.

Grade: B-

“Amie” – Pure Prairie League


This may well be my favorite Amy-song of all time. I discovered this on a road trip when I was in college. And I played it OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I love the twangy country of it; I love the repeated use of “Amie,” I love “I keep fallin’ in and out of love with you,” I love near the end where he sings “longer if I do, yeah, now.”

I have a friend who sings part of this to me whenever he sees me. A lot of people don’t like this person. I think possibly part of why I like him so much is that everytime I see him, I know he’s going to sing “I think I could stay with you, for a while, maybe longer if I do” to me.

I’m easily won over.

Grade: A+

“Amy’s Song” – Switchfoot

Oh, my goodness, this isn’t very good, is it? I don’t like these people’s voices and I don’t like the lyrics. I don’t know what it’s supposed to be saying. This Amy left and she left quite an impression? I guess? This is not a very good song. I’ve never heard of this band. Is anyone reading this a fan of this band? If so, can you explain to us why you’ve made this choice?

Grade: D

“Amy” – Paul Petersen

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. This is the kind of music a serial killer plays right before he slices your face into a permanent smile and dances around you wearing a kimono. This is…a song about a child in love with a grownup? Maybe? This singer seems to want Amy to go to jail for statutory rape. I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS PAUL PETERSEN. Listen to how he moans “Amy” at the end. IT IS THE WORST.

(Also, check out his face on that album cover, and the titles of his other songs. “My Dad.” “She Can’t Find Her Keys.” I feel like he’s a joke singer on a Saturday Night Live skit.)

Grade: F

“Amie” – Damien Rice

(Side note: I am crazy for Damien Rice. CRAZY. I sometimes listen to his music on a continuous loop all day at work. Like, ALL DAY. If you want to woo me, play me Damien Rice. Sincerely. The love and pain and longing in this man’s voice just fills my whole chest up.)

I love this song. This is a beautiful, sad song. Like most Damien Rice songs, this is a love song where something is lost. I feel like all Damien Rice songs are about losing someone. When I’m sad over the end of something, I tend to listen to a LOT of Damien Rice. (Well, more than I usually do, which is a lot.) It’s not as good as some of his other songs – I can’t choose between “Rootless Tree,” “The Blower’s Daughter,” “Volcano,” and “9 Crimes” for my favorite Damien Rice song, because they’re all utterly the most brilliant things ever.

Grade: A

“Song for Amy” – Jack Ingram

This song is bland. If this song was a food, it would be cottage cheese. If this song was a weather, it would be sixty degrees. If this song was a television show, it would be a documentary about the production of cutlery.

Confession: I couldn’t even listen to all of this. It was putting me to sleep.

Grade: C-

“She’s No Amy” – Ryan Turner

I don’t like this very much, but it makes me sad. I feel bad for the not-Amy in this song. Because I’ve totally been the not-Amy, and I’ve been the person putting someone else through the not-Amy hoops, waiting for the Amy to come home.

Emotions are terrible things sometimes, aren’t they?

He has a nice enough voice, I suppose. And it’s not a TERRIBLE song. It’s just not the best written thing in the land. But whoo. Memories.

Grade: B-

“Amy” – Ryan Adams

(Side note: I adore Ryan Adams. He sings my favorite song of all time. There are a million billion songs in the world, and he sings the one I love most out of ALL of them. No, I can’t tell you what it is. It’s just for me. Also, he’s a talented singer and songwriter and gives an excellent concert and used to have just the best beard and you know my beard-thing.)

All of that being said, I don’t love this song. I think it’s because the BEST SONG IN THE WORLD has ruined all other Ryan Adams songs for me. This is ok, but I know he can do better, so I’m not blown away.

Grade: B+

“Once in Love with Amy” – Frank Sinatra

(Side note: A lot of other people have covered this over the years, too, but if there’s a version with my man Frank, we’re listening to it.)

This is my other favorite Amy-song. It makes me so happy. Even though it’s a little confusing. Because if you listen to the lyrics closely, it tells you all the things you can do with this Amy – kiss her and romance her and buy her things – but she’s still in love with the singer. So why is she letting these other beaus do these things with her? That seems whorey. Stop cheating on your singer, other-Amy.

Eh, no matter. I am in love with this. Sometimes I sing it to myself. Someday, someone will sing this to me, and I will be the happiest girl who ever happied.

Another side note: I found this one the YouTubes and couldn’t not post it. Because Muppets.

Grade: A+


  • Winning today’s post are “One in Love with Amy” by Frank Sinatra, “Amie” by Pure Prairie League, and “Amie” by Damien Rice. Two out of the three of those, I’m head-over-heels for. I’m better with today’s choices than yesterday’s.
  • Losing today’s post are “Amy’s Back in Austin” by A Country Singer with a Very Impressive Mullet; “Amy’s Song,” by Some Band I’d Have Been Happy to Never Have Heard of Had I Not Done This Post, and “Amy” by The Man Who Wrote and Performed Music for Only Serial Killers.
  • If you are planning on wooing me, I’d bookmark this post for future consideration.

There we have it! That’s a lot of Amy songs. Some might say TOO many. Not me. Because I’m self-centered, you see. (What? I’d think as long as you can admit it, it’s ok, right? Right.)

The Agony and The Ecstasy of Having a Very Popular Name, Part One

I was born in the mid-seventies. In the mid-seventies, the most popular – the VERY most popular – girl’s name was Amy.

It’s not that my parents weren’t creative; it’s that they didn’t name me. They were SURE I would come out with boy-bits, so only picked out a boy-name. (I’ve talked about this before. It was “Amos.” Go to the search box at the bottom of the blog and search “Amos” and you’ll get the whole sordid story. YES, I was going to be AMOS. Gack.) So when I came out sporting lady-bits, they were stumped.

Enter an unnamed nurse who was all, “Um. Amy kind of sounds like Amos?” and my parents were all, “Yeah, whatever, I suppose.”

From such humble beginnings, blah blah.

I don’t like my name. I’m not an Amy. Amy denotes cheer and goodwill toward man and possibly good deeds and lunatic smiles and forgiving one’s transgressors. I’m a lot more little-black-raincloud than that. I’m something stompier than Amy. I don’t want a name that goes up at the end with that cheerful “eeee” sound. Amy is a cheerleading wisp of a name that no one takes seriously. I want something solid, like a brick hitting a table.

Does this person look like an Amy to you? I thought not.

Does this person look like an Amy to you? I thought not.

However, I’ve had this name for almost 40 years. It’s not like anyone’s going to be down with me changing it to Ermentrude or Theresa or Florence now, right? Right.

(Side note: I have no interest in any of those names, but I do like the sound of “Ermentrude.” Ermentrude would take care of BUSINESS, yo. She would STAND NO GUFF.)

There were a number of Amys in my school, and one in my graduating class. The one in my graduating class had a very similar LAST name as me, as well, so that made things confusing. Even more so when the man of my dreams (well, he was 15 at the time, so the teen of my dreams), I found out through the gossip-mill, was in love with Amy. I WAS AMY! My heart was so light for about two days. Until the gossip-mill (consisting of my friend T.) shamefacedly skulked back to me reporting that it was the OTHER Amy, who joked with me about it at our lockers a couple days later. “Isn’t that FUNNY that A. would have a crush on me? I am SO not interested,” she said. I wanted to bean her over her cheerful curly head with my largest textbook. HE WAS UTTER PERFECTION WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER. (Up until I stumbled onto his Facebook page, I still thought he was. Then I realized…well, we’d make a terrible match. I’d go into more detail, but if someone who knows me reads this, and it gets back to him, I’d feel terrible. He seems like he’s turned into a very nice man, and I truly do wish him all the best, even if Amy=oil and Amy’s high-school crush=water. Very, very conservative Merkan-all-the-way water.)

However, I did learn, as I grew up, there were perks to having a popular name.

  • I never had problems finding things that were personalized at souvenir shops. Pencils. Keychains. Ornaments. There were always a million “Amy” items. (I have a lot of friends who can’t say the same thing, and it makes them sadface.)
  • People don’t mispronounce my name. (Well, my first name, anyway. Strangely, they mispronounce my last name, which is NOT A HARD NAME TO SAY. I don’t get it. They put a strange emphasis and an incorrect vowel pronunciation on the first syllable and it makes me want to stab kittens in the face-area.)
  • There are a kabillion songs championing my glorious name.

It’s true! I am so vain that I think the songs are about me. So I did some research, and I found A MULTITUDE of songs with Amy in the title, not just the four that I knew. I know! It’s exciting, right? It totally is.

So I thought, let’s listen to them and discuss and rate them, because FUN. And because I’m self-centered and like to hear my own name over and over, who doesn’t like that.

Ready? (This is totally a two-day post. I’m not making you listen to twenty-some songs in one day. Even I’M not that insane. Part two might be tomorrow, but might be Monday. I have to go to Massachusetts after work tonight and won’t be home until many people are tucked safe in their beddy-byes.)


“Amy” – Bobby Darin

This song is already putting me to sleep. Why is this so easy-listening? Blergh.

What the hell, “lovely as indigo?” I realize you were trying to make a rhyme with “snow” but that’s just lazy. There are a million words that have that long “o” in them. Also, you only want her to love you for a day? Why are you selling yourself short, Bobby Darin?

I do not approve of this Amy-song. I do not think this puts Amys in a good light. Also, I don’t like being compared to a color that’s only used when remembering the ROY G BIV thing.

Grade: C-

“Amy” – Elton John

(Side note: I detest Elton John. Not as a human. I just don’t like his music. Well, I guess some of his songs are ok – but I don’t like his voice, so they’re ruined for me. But I like some covers of his songs.)

This song is kind of fun. I like this Amy. This Amy is wild and fancy-free. This Amy seems to be somewhat of a whore, as well. But she’s apparently very well-thought-of in the Elton John community, where they wear “romper boots and jeans.” Hee, romper boots.

This song also has an excellent line: “But Amy, you’re the girl that wrecks my dreams.”

I would very much like to be the girl that wrecks someone’s dreams. I’m good at wrecking things. Mostly fine china and potential.

Grade: B+

“Amy, Amy, Amy” – Amy Winehouse

(Side note: when Amy Winehouse died I was at my part-time job and Twitter told me and I was on a break so I came back in and told people and they were all “NO!” and I really was surprised they were so shocked. Then someone actually said, “RIP, AMY!” in like this totally affected way and rolled their eyes up to the heavens and pointed a little and I got the giggles. No, it doesn’t mean I’m heartless. It means I have a low tolerance for people who do things in order to get attention.)

This song may have Amy in the title but it’s not about Amy. It’s about Amy Winehouse being unable to write music because all she wants to do is hump someone wearing Diesel jeans. I don’t know if I know anyone who owns Diesel jeans. Those things are EXPENSIVE, yo. Also, a tad douchey. I think I might be more attracted to men in khakis. Does this mean I’m getting old?

Grade: C

“Amy’s in the Attic” – Insane Clown Posse

(Side note: I knew from the band name this wasn’t going to go well.)

I think I deserve a medal for listening to this shit. First, it’s like rap but scarier. What is this. sj, you’d know. What kind of scary musical genre would this be called? Clowncore or some such shit? (OMG SIDE NOTE. Per sj: “They call themselves horrorcore, but they’re just shitty white rock-rappers.” THAT MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD I ALMOST PEED. Also, “horrorcore?” Bah. Clowncore is better. Clowns DENOTE horror. And insanity. And hiding-in-your-closet-ready-to-eat-your-face. It’s really a portmanteau of a word.) Anyway, this song is about a little boy who murders a little girl named Amy by accident on the playground and then hides her in the attic so NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW but it’s eleven years later and he’s haunted by her and her mouth is filled with maggots. This is terrible. Who listens to this band. If any of you listen to this band I think you need therapy. I don’t think this is a valid life choice.

Grade: F (and don’t you dare watch that video)

“Amy in the White Coat” – Bright Eyes

This is very pretty and very depressing and I think it’s about a girl who’s being abused at home and no one understands her at school. I like Bright Eyes. It’s not a CHEERFUL Amy song and it’s not an Amy song I can RELATE to and it never says Amy in the LYRICS but it’s totally pretty and sounds like he’s singing it in an abandoned warehouse and it’s all echoey. I like this a lot, even though it doesn’t fit my Amy-song criteria.

Grade: A-

“Amy” – Green Day

(Side note: I have always liked Green Day, but since I saw American Idiot earlier this year I’ve been in love with them. I have high hopes for this.)

This is pretty. I like this a lot. Also, it has nice lyrics. “No one really knows about your soul/And I barely really know your name” and “Amy don’t you go/I want you around” are very nice. This is a very good Amy-song. This gets high Amy-song marks. It’s also a little sad, though. I think it’s about a lost girl. I can relate to the lost girls. So that makes it even better.

Grade: A

“Chasin’ Amy” – The Steve Helms Band

(Side note: This song came out in 2011. The MOVIE came out in 1997. THIS IS A VERY UNORIGINAL SONG TITLE. Also, is it really a “band” if there’s only one guy? Does he have multiple personality disorder or something?)

I can’t take this guy seriously. He looks like a bloated Cheech Marin. No one made out with you by the water, especially someone named Amy. Also, where are you having this concert, the break room of an insurance company? Do they even WANT you to be having that concert there?

Grade: F

“If U Seek Amy” – Britney Spears

(Side note: I was confused by the grammar of this song for quite some time.)

So this song, for those of you who are as out of the loop about things as I am, is a TRICKY PLAY ON WORDS! It says, “All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy” and if you’re a GROWNUP you might be all, “WTF? that doesn’t grammatically make sense” but then you’re supposed to say it SUPER-FAST and then the “if you seek Amy” part sounds like “F-U-C-K me” but really only if you have a speech impediment because no matter how I say it, it still sounds like “IF-U-C-K me” and that doesn’t make any sense.

Also, the song makes no sense. It’s about people looking for someone named Amy cause they LURVE her, but then there’s that grammatically weird tag line in the middle and the whole thing is ridiculous. I get that she was trying to be super-naughty but that’s no reason to write bad music.

Mostly what I got from this video is how pretty Britney Spears was before she had a break with reality. Also? I would totally dance around the house to this while cleaning.

Grade: B- (it’s got a good beat, shut up)

“Miami, My Amy” – Keith Whitley

Oh, well this is promising, look at that little play on words up there. Miami looks like My Amy!

No. No no no. This is awful and sounds like the music I grew up with because my parents loved 8-track country. Also, the song has the worst narrative. This guy falls for this chick and says “I love you!” and she says “go away and I’ll call you later” but she can’t even wait and calls him like immediately. Also, he sounds like easy-listening country threw up in his mouth.

Who the hell is Keith Whitley? I’ve never heard of this person. Look at his feathery hair.

Grade: F

“Saving Amy” – Brantley Gilbert

(Side note: Dad says never to trust a man with two first names. That is all.)

This is a Christian song. I was tricked into listening to this. I don’t feel this was a nice thing to do to me. Even worse: it’s not even terrible. This guy doesn’t have a bad voice. The song is pretty sappy-bad, though. And that’s saying a lot because I’m a total fan of sappy deathy country songs. (I am not a fan of Christian songs of trickery, though.)

Grade: D-

“Amy Hit the Atmosphere” – Counting Crows

(Side note: I still kind of like Counting Crows. Is that terrible? Shut up. “Anna Begins” is one of the most beautiful, saddest songs in the whole world.)

I don’t know what I think of this song. I feel like it’s being purposely vague, and I’m good at figuring shit out, usually. POETRY DEGREE, BABY. I’m meh on this song. I can take it or leave it. Sorry, Counting Crows.

Grade: B-


  • Winning today’s post are “Amy” by Elton John, “Amy in the White Coat” by Bright Eyes, and “Amy” by Green Day. (However, I’m not in love with any of them. They’re GOOD, but they’re not STELLAR.)
  • Losing today’s post are “Amy’s in the Attic” by Scary Clowns Trying to Rap, “Chasin’ Amy” by A Man Who Says He Has a Band But I Think It’s Just Him, and “Miami, My Amy” by Some Country Singer Who Apparently Died Young So I Feel Kind of Bad Mocking Him.
  • None of these songs would win me over if you sang them to me in a wooing fashion.

Stay tuned, interwebs! We have MORE AMY SONGS coming up tomorrow! TEN MORE! (Possibly even MORE if I stumble upon them in my travels!) If you mention Amy songs in the comments, I will neither confirm or deny if they will be included! Because that will be spoily!

Happy Saturday to you! May your days be both merry AND bright. And may you find a song written about you that does not include you being murdered, stuffed in an attic, and then haunting your killer with a mouth filled with maggots. *shudder*

NPR is attempting to break my brain. I think it achieved its goal.

I promised you another music post. I know, I know, I’ve been spotty about posting this week. Things are slowing down now, I promise. Here’s a little timeline, for those of you who like such things:

  • One more night of auditions (which will be done by the time you read this);
  • Two more weekends of my show;
  • 5 days until I get to see C. & C. and they see my show and we have dinner;
  • 5 days until BFF’s birthday, which as far as I’m concerned should be a national holiday;
  • 6 more days until I get a day off because of PRESIDENTS of MERKA;
  • 5 or 6 days until I *possibly* get to see R. & A. and baby Ceevee, maybe?
  • One more week until we vote on our next season at the theater, and I can tell you what it is, and that’s exciting (FINE, maybe it’s only exciting for me)
  • Two weeks and 4 days until I meet Andreas in REALLY REAL PERSON (eeeee!);
  • And, one month and 5 days until I go on a road trip to see Spring Awakening with C. at a new theater!

Lots upcoming, my little hot pockets. NOT A EUPHEMISM. Ew, I never thought of hot pockets as a euphemism before. Now you can never unthink that, can you? Yuck.

This is one grody euphemism, yo.

This is one grody euphemism, yo.

So a while ago, Mer recommended something to me on NPR (oh, I think it was this article about “Hallelujah”) and one of the links on that article was this article, about this project asking not your six favorite songs, but six questions about six songs, which they thought was more insightful than just saying, “Hey! What are your six favorite songs!” and I don’t know that I could answer that question, anyway, because it changes a lot. I’m very mercurial, song-wise.

I don’t know that I can answer what my six top songs are for these questions, either, but I’ll try. (Listen, the NPR answerer guy had super-erudite answers. You will not find those here. I will not be giving you classical selections with my answers. I think I know two classical pieces. No, wait, maybe three. I’m not a classical music person. I appreciate the work that both went into writing it, and the work that goes into performing it, but I really, really like words in my music. I know. I KNOW. This makes me kind of the worst. It’s not like I’d walk out of a classical concert. I’d just get really bored. QUIETLY bored, I wouldn’t get all foot-tappy and huffy or anything, sheesh, I can FAKE class if I HAVE to. The way I do that is nod intelligently and don’t move much. Because if I open my mouth my lack of class shows, and if I move, I am VERY SPASTIC.)

Here are the six questions:

  1. What was the first song you ever bought?
  2. What song always gets you dancing?
  3. What song takes you back to your childhood?
  4. What is your perfect love song?
  5. What song would you want at your funeral?
  6. Time for an encore. One last song that makes you, you.

Now, for some of you, these might be easy. For me? SUPER DUPER DIFFICULT. But I will venture forth. Like a brave little toaster. Man, now I want toast. With butter. Or maybe jam.

This looks like just bread with jam, but I totally want it now, because nom.

This looks like just bread with jam, but I totally want it now, because nom.

1.       What was the first song you ever bought?

I like that this assumes people answering this are in the digital age and are purchasing songs. Nope. I had to purchase an album to get a song, back in the day. And honestly, looking back, the first album I purchased, with my own money, I believe, was…oh, this is kind of embarrassing. I think it was The Goonies soundtrack. I used to be OBSESSED with The Goonies. I had such a crush on young Sean Astin. I would watch the movie over and over. It got to the point where my brother dared me to transcribe the movie without watching it AND I COULD. Well, mostly. So, yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s the first thing I bought. And I can still think of some of the music that was on that album, too. Cyndi Lauper. Teena Marie. It was totally a cassette tape. I felt very fancy, owning that.

2.       What song always gets you dancing?

I don’t dance much. Because, well, do you see above? Spastic? Yep. I kind of car-dance when the boppier songs come on. Bop my head along. Tap the steering wheel. Scare the other drivers into thinking I’m going to drive into their lane, probably. But I don’t dance. But if I have to answer this question honestly, I’m going to have to say Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.” I can’t sit still for that one. Sorry. I know that’s embarrassing. I was even dancing around to it a while back when it was on the TV and I realized it wasn’t Beyonce, it was actually a commercial for the latest travesty of a Chipmunks movie. That’s a dancey song. I can’t help myself. If it’s on, I have to put a ring on it, I like it that much. And yes, I know there’s an accent on Beyonce’s name. WordPress isn’t letting me do it right now, and I’m very tired. Sorry, Beyonce. I know this means you’ll never put a ring on me now.

3.       What song takes you back to your childhood?

Ooh, this is a tough one. There are actually quite a few. I’ll go back far far far, and make it one of the first songs I remember: Tammy Wynette’s “I Don’t Wanna Play House.” My mom loved Tammy Wynette and we had her greatest hits on 8-track (I’m not young, you guys) and when my mom was cleaning the house and I was playing in the living room, she would play Tammy Wynette and she would just belt along with this one, and “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” and I still know all the words to both of these, and I still put them on playlists for myself, and they still make me smile. Even though they’re not really smiley songs, but still. They remind me of much simpler times, when I was little and safe and the most difficult decision was whether to play with the Play-doh or the Legos, you know?

4.       What is your perfect love song?

Crap, now THIS is a hard one. I’ve totally been mulling this for like two weeks, no joke. Because I have a few that I think are perfect love songs, and I don’t know if I can narrow this down. So I’m going to have to read the lyrics of my four favorite love songs and then decide, based on the lyrics, which is the PERFECT love song. SO HARD YOU GUYS SO SO HARD!

Alright, with much pondering and attempting to choose something OTHER than this song, because I think a billion people my age (including the friend of the author mentioned in the article) would pick the same damn one, and I hate to be a sheep, because even though we all know sheep go to heaven and goats go to the burny place, you guys, I have to (HAVE TO) go with Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.” Just have to. It is the perfect love song. It’s not the perfect SAD song; it’s not the perfect song when my heart is broken and the tears are dripping into my ears as I try to fall asleep. I have a billion of those, and more every day, honestly. I’m a champion at finding those. But that wasn’t the question, now was it? The question was, what is MY perfect love song. And this is it. This song is my perfect love song. This is the song. This one. Even though it probably is also a lot of other people’s song, as well (and I know that at least one of my nearest and dearest wants it to be her first dance song at her wedding), it’s mine. What can I say, I will forever be molded by seeing Lloyd holding up that boombox with that both heartbroken and daringly cynically slightly hopeful look on his face. This song is someone seeing the doorway to a thousand churches in someone else’s eyes. Is that not perfection?

5.       What song would you want at your funeral?

Crap, well, that’s depressing. I don’t know that there will be MUSIC at my FUNERAL. Why are we having a dance party at my damn FUNERAL? Fine. Can it be “Hallelujah?” It’s not very funerally, but if it’s my last request, dammit, I get “Hallelujah” at my funeral. The Jeff Buckley version, please. If you play something else, my haunty ghost will be very disappointed in you.

(ZOMG IN NEWS OF CREEPY, I was just writing this, and I’m listening to Pandora, and “Hallelujah” JUST CAME ON. It’s the Rufus Wainwright version, but STILL, you guys, holy HELL.)

6.       One last song that makes you, you.

Well, this is dumb. A song that makes me, me? Silly. A song doesn’t make me, me. *I* make me, me. My DNA and my amazing brain and my sense of humor and my genetics and my heredity and my insane loyalty and love for my chosen few people and my downright dig-in-my-heels stubbornness and all that crap make me, me. Not MUSIC. Don’t be foolish.

But I came this far, I suppose I have to finish this damn thing. I think this one is asking for my favorite song, isn’t it? It totally is. It’s like a trick. I’m totally going to do something else and move on and think about this and come back in a minute, but you won’t know I did, because it’s the magic of the interwebs, yo.

OK, I have thought and thought and thought. And it can’t be a love song. A love song doesn’t make me, me. That would be about someone else, now wouldn’t it? And it can’t just be something silly, because I’m not always silly, and it can’t be something that just reminds me of my childhood, because I’m not always reminiscing. This is not an easy question. Not at all. (I know some people just throw out answers to these things, but I totally mull. I want them to be perfect.)

I’m going to go with a recent song, but it totally sums me up. It’s summed me up since I found my voice, about twenty years ago, even though the song didn’t exist then. Does it make me, me? I don’t know. I don’t think a song does that. But it’s about as close as I can come to answering this silly question. Company of Thieves’ “Won’t Go Quietly,” which I know I’ve mentioned here a million times. It’s my song. It’s my anthem. It’s what I put on when I need to power up. It’s what I put on when I need to shout. It’s what I put on when I need to center.

So, there. Aren’t I fancy? My six NPR-approved songs. You can totally play along with this game in the comments, or on your own blogs, if you want. But you have to take it seriously and think until smoke comes out of your lovely ears or it doesn’t count. I want to know what your answers are. Oh, and NPR told me I’m supposed to make a Spotify playlist of this and I know once sj told me how to do that but I’m totally technologically backward and that seems like a lot of work and not everyone even has Spotify so just click on the videos if you want to listen, isn’t that good enough? Sure it is.

OH ALSO. I forgot to tell you. When I was driving home from work the other afternoon? I was driving through this little intersection and the cars coming up on my right were all in a weird crooked line and I was all “whuh-huh?” and looked to see why? And it was because there was an OFFICE CHAIR in the middle of the ROAD. And this made me giggle for like twenty minutes. And think of how this could have gotten there. It was up on its wheels, like someone had been sitting there, and just got up for a coffee or something. That they’d be right back. Now, most likely, it just fell out of a car or a truck or something, but I like to think of the less-likely but more-entertaining solutions to problems, like someone just got fed up with work and just roooooollllllled on out the door and then when they got to the intersection they were like, screw this, this is taking too long, and hoofed it from there; or a giant hawk picked someone up from their office chair and carried them that far and then dropped them (how did that hawk get in the office in order to get the person? I don’t know, it just did, ok?) or that it was part of an elaborate hazing ritual for the new office guy, but he was like, nope, I just can’t sit here in oncoming traffic, and therefore he got up and now he’ll have to make Dunkin’ Donuts runs for the next year because he failed the test.

Office chair in the intersection, you guys. OFFICE CHAIR IN THE INTERSECTION!

And I guess this is the aftermath. NO TEXTING AND DRIVING, OFFICE CHAIR!

And I guess this is the aftermath. NO TEXTING AND DRIVING, OFFICE CHAIR!

Off I go. Happy day to you all. Watch out for office chairs in your intersections. And probably also giant hawks, I’d think.

Why am I on this desert island and where did this CD player come from?

Well, in a surprising twist, opening night was cancelled tonight (well, your last night, I suppose, but my tonight, as I am currently sitting here on the couch watching all the shows I missed this week – fine, Glee, I AM WATCHING GLEE, stop judging) so I ended up with an unexpected day off. Which means YOU end up with an unexpected blog post. Win-win? Perhaps. Let’s see how this shit turns out.

So last week (earlier this week? Ugh, my timeline is all off, sorry, not getting enough sleep will totally mess with your already-effed-up internal clock, you guys, no joke) my wonderful sj blogged about her Desert Island Discs. Well, she didn’t call them that, *I* called them that. Because that’s what they call them in one of my favorite plays I saw last year, The Real Thing by Tom Stoppard. Apparently, there is a radio show called Desert Island Discs on BBC where famous people come on and tell the audience what their top 8 albums would be, were they to be stranded on a desert island. This show has been running since 1942. Do you find that as amazing as I do? Good grief, that’s a long time. I assume it would be classy, since it’s the BBC. The BBC does CLASSY shit. If it was NBC, it would be like the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or some such nonsense.

sj only allows FIVE albums. She is totally strict, yo.

So since she posted this post, I have been mulling. Mull, mull, mull.

Here’s the thing. I don’t listen to albums. Because I am a music cretin. I listen to SONGS from albums (well, obviously, where else do songs come from) but whole albums? Nah. Not in this instant-gratification-digital-age. I like a song, I download that song. I don’t listen to the whole album. See, entire albums always have at least one or two songs that I don’t like. And then I have to skip past those songs. And that means it would have been cheaper to just download the songs I LIKED, rather than buy the whole album, you know? I know. I suck, musically. I really do. I’ve accepted it.

HOWEVER! I soldiered on. Soldier-like. Soldiery. And came up with my five desert-island discs, were I stranded on a desert island. Where I would immediately probably die, because a., I need daily medication to, well, survive, and wouldn’t I not have it on that island? and b., I would frizzle up and die because I’m about as pale as the underbelly of a fish and I can’t imagine I would have all the sunscreen on that island, come on. Also, how am I playing these CDs on this island? And if I have a way to play these CDs, why can’t I have my phone and play all the music I have there? I mean, I’d have to have power to play those CDs. Can’t I use that for my phone? I don’t need my 3G to play my music.

Where is the POWER coming from? Are we creating it from coconuts or something?

Where is the POWER coming from? Are we creating it from coconuts or something?

FINE I WILL PLAY THIS GAME CORRECTLY. These are five albums that I like all the music on and could listen to without wanting to stab…well, whoever’s on the island. The seagulls. Or crabs. Or…um…I don’t know, what animals are on my desert island with me, sj? Is that part of this game? Shit, is this island like that Stephen King island from that story where that guy had to eat his own fingers and said “lady fingers lady fingers they taste just like lady fingers?” Ugh, that gave me nightmares for like a MONTH.

My Five Desert Island Discs (in no particular order)

Flood – They Might Be Giants

I can listen to this whole album over and over and never get sick of it; it’s one of my go-to road-trip albums. This has been the case since…let’s see, I got it in…crap, 1992, I guess. So that’s 21 years. And I’m still not sick of it. So it’s an easy choice.

Favorite songs: “Birdhouse in Your Soul,” “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)”, “We Want a Rock”

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band – The Beatles

This was a tough one. I was GOING to go with The White Album. I even told sj I was going to go with it. Because, well, why wouldn’t you? It’s the longest of them. You’d get the most bang for your buck, as it were. But as much as I love some of the songs on it, there are some songs I do NOT love as much, because that’s the album where they got all experimental and weird and then Charlie Manson was all “this inspired me to have people stab people, yo.” So it almost made the cut, but then I went with Sgt. Pepper’s.

Because honestly, if I’m going to be on a desert island forever (am I going to be on a desert island forever, sj? Is that how this works? Good grief, do I have any books or anything? I’m really freaking out about this) I don’t want to go the rest of my life without ever hearing this album again. Wait, seriously, how did I even GET on this island? Was I on a boat? I hate boats, this is ridiculous, how did someone even GET me on a boat? Was it a cruise ship that sank or something? Do I even have Fed Ex packages like Tom Hanks did to play with? DO I EVEN GET A WILSON?!?!?!

Favorite songs: Kind of all of them? FINE. “With a Little Help From My Friends,” “She’s Leaving Home,” “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” “When I’m 64”

The Assassins Original Cast Recording (the 1991 one, not the one with NPH. Sorry, NPH!)

I know every single song on this album. I can sing them WITHOUT the album, actually. So maybe it’s a waste to bring it to my desert island. Will I have chocolate on my desert island, sj? I don’t know that I want to live somewhere that there’s no chocolate, sj. OMG, sj, WILL THERE BE PUDDING EVER AGAIN? I’m kind of all a bundle of nerves about this, I’m not going to lie.

Anyway, if I had this album, I could play it, and them also probably put on the musical with the various animals and palm trees and such on my island in case I started missing theater. So that wouldn’t be me losing my mind on the desert island or anything, now would it?

Favorite songs: “Unworthy of Your Love,” “The Ballad of Guiteau,” “November 22, 1963”

Running from a Gamble – Company of Thieves

This one’s a fairly new album, so I’m going out on a bit of limb. But I love it, and I’ve listened to it over and over since I got it…um…last year, I guess?…and I’m not even close to sick of it. I love this band. To total distraction. They are just amazing. So, maybe I’m jumping the gun, since this one’s not a tried-and-true love…but I’m going with it.

Favorite songs: “Nothing’s in the Flowers,” “Death of Communication,” “Tallulah,” “Won’t Go Quietly”

More Adventurous – Rilo Kiley

sj and I love Rilo Kiley. Love love love. So we totally have been discussing this. I chose this album, even though I am the most heartbroken that, in choosing this, I will never again, as I am STRANDED on a desert ISLAND, why aren’t you people even LOOKING for me, have you FORGOTTEN me? Already? Good GRACIOUS but you have short memories!, get to hear “A Better Son/Daughter” again, which is probably my favorite Rilo Kiley song. HOWEVER, this album has MORE good Rilo Kiley songs on it, so I had to go with this. This is why this game is super-hard, because you have to choose ALBUMS, not SONGS.

Favorite Songs: “Does He Love You?”, “Portions for Foxes,” “The Absence of God,” “More Adventurous,” “A Man/Me/Then Jim”

And just because apparently I am being SENT to DIE on an ISLAND, here’s my favorite Rilo Kiley song which I will never get to hear again, sniff:

There you go, people of the interwebs. The five albums I would take on a desert island. How badly did I embarrass myself right now? sj, how’d I do?

sj told us all what her favorite song of all time was on her post. So I was thinking about that. I don’t know that I have one. I fluctuate. If you looked at the songs I listen to most, it’d read like a schizophrenic’s playlist, seriously. I just don’t know. I can’t pick a favorite song. I can pick a favorite book, but not a favorite song. I have too many favorites. Here’s probably the one I’ve been listening to the most over the past couple of months? And sometimes I have to turn it off at work because it makes me weep? It’s the part near the end with the tears in her voice that does it. And the lyrics that hit really close to home. But I don’t know that it’s my favorite. It’s just wonderful, is all. And it’s wonderful because it’s true.

Tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever I blog again, we’re going to talk about ANOTHER music thing. I know, it’s like a little theme I have going on. I would talk about it today but it’s late and I’m tired and it’s snowing like a son of a bitch, were a son of a bitch to snow, and I have to get to bed so I can get up super-early and drive in terrible conditions on roads that have not been plowed. Yay…? Also tomorrow is opening night. However, the roads will have been plowed by then. I hope. Gulp. Happy weekend, people of the internets. Stay warm and dry and not snow-covered and such.

Take my picture by the pool, ’cause I’m the next big thing

I have totally made the big time you guys, no joke. I got an email today – well, here, I’ll show you, I can’t even describe it as well as this can show you. Show, don’t tell, don’t they teach you that in writing class or something? I don’t know, I was too busy daydreaming and staring out the window at the squirrels.

Here is your personal signup link for the Millionaire Society. Were very excited to welcome you into our exclusive club! 


I’m a little sad about the past-tense in the second sentence. I feel like I took too long to get back to them. Oh, wait, I think they’re missing an apostrophe in there and that’s supposed to be “we’re.” You’d think millionaires could afford ALL the apostrophes, right? Well, I should cut them some slack. I’m sure the millionaires didn’t write their own email inviting me into their very exclusive club. I’m sure they have someone do those things FOR them. Like, maybe a butler, or a valet, or a Designated Correspondence Lackey. Who is not very good at contractions.

True story: do a Google Image Search for "butler" and it thinks you mean Gerard Butler. Even if you don't. Worrisome!

True story: do a Google Image Search for “butler” and it thinks you mean Gerard Butler. Even if you don’t. Worrisome!

I don’t know why this email ended up in my spam folder. I mean, I am being INVITED into a very exclusive CLUB. Where I will be amongst my PEOPLE. The MILLIONAIRES.

Oh, wait, I just Googled this and it says it is NOT a super-fancy club of millionaires, but a money-making plan where I do online marketing from home. Well, now, this is not at all what I was picturing in my head. I thought it would be a wood-paneled room where men in tuxedos would be smoking expensive cee-gars and talking about polo, not some sort of pyramid scheme. MY HOPES ARE DASHED, DASHED I TELL YOU. Also, one of the sites I checked said it costs me $97 a month to be in the Millionaire Society. I don’t know that I want to be part of a society where I have to pay the equivalent of my cell phone bill every month to continue membership in order to bother people online. THIS IS VERY DISAPPOINTING INTERNETS. I am not at all pleased with the way this day is shaping up. I STARTED the day by thinking I was part of a society of rich people and now I find out that I’m just a schlub you’re tricking into joining some sort of sad-sack society. SIGH SIGH I AM VERY PUT-OUT.

Also, when exactly do they think I’m going to have time to do marketing from home? I don’t even have time to SLEEP or EAT or BLOG from home, I certainly don’t have time to MARKET from home. (Although there is now a Shoprite here, and you can LITERALLY market from home. THEY WILL BRING MY GROCERIES TO ME. I don’t even have to SHOP for them. I’m so looking into this. Although friend A. did it yesterday and they were an hour and a half late delivering them which meant friend K. didn’t get to come to the theater last night and I didn’t get to hug her, and I wanted to, so boo for making it so I couldn’t hug friend K. last night, Shoprite.)

SIDE NOTE. I just looked into Shoprite bringing me my groceries and it is VERY CONFUSING. I don’t understand the delivery schedule. So I don’t think I can use that. I think that only works if you are home 24 hours a day, and if I was home 24 hours a day, wouldn’t I use some of that time to, oh, I don’t know, go get my groceries? Hmm. Confusing confusing.

I am totally listening to my fancy American Idiot soundtrack right now. It took me like an hour to figure out how to turn off my shuffle. I usually love my shuffle because I don’t want to listen to my songs in alphabetical order, but when you want to listen to a cast recording, of course you want to listen to it in order. But it just KEPT SHUFFLING. You know who fixed it? Yahoo Answers. I know. That’s kind of embarrassing. But it totally did. Thanks, Yahoo Answers! Pretty much all I’m doing is repeating “Last Night on Earth” over and over because I am obsessive once I find something I like. Last night I just kept making YouTube play the video for me over and over while I did other things. And then this morning I kept singing it to the cat. He didn’t know what to make of that, mostly because I can’t sing. He made a very confused face and at one point went “mieuwwww?” which I think is polite cat-ese for “what, pray-tell, mumsy, is this noise you are making? Are you under the impression it is this thing you humans insist on calling ‘singing’? Because it is neither melodic nor pleasing to mine ears. Please stop, or I will shred you with my claws. Thanks ever so.”



LISTEN LISTEN. Today I found out that friends A. and R. might come to visit in two weeks. I can only assume that means Baby Ceevee will be with them, because what would they do, leave her in the car or something? That’d be pretty irresponsible, and totally unlike them. First, I might get to see friends A. and R., who I haven’t seen in…oh, my, well, it has to be three or four years now, I’m thinking? AND, you GUYS, I could totally see Baby Ceevee for the first time! And if I’m super-careful and wash my hands and put on my best non-crazy eyes and brush my hair, maybe they would let me HOLD her! She is the most beautiful baby. And the SMILIEST baby. You should SEE the smiles, you guys. She lights up a whole ROOM with the smiles. I am very bouncy with the prospect of this potential visitation!

ALSO, one of my internet people whose name I will not say because I don’t know that it’s general knowledge is HERE IN ALBANY and I MIGHT GET TO MEET HER IN REALLY REAL LIFE SOON which is totally exciting, yo. These next two months are just going to be the most exciting, aren’t they? Once I get some sleep? The answer to that question is YES.

This post is totally the most random but it’s the best I have in me because I have to leave for work now and also SNOWPOCALYPSE is coming RIGHT NOW so here I go. Wish me luck and/or fortitude. Happy weekend, all!

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