Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
Welcome to April, my little munchkins! I’ve had better months, truth be told. April’s not been my month, what with job-losing and all. But, strangely, I am in a fairly buoyant mood, for the crap that’s gone down this month. I have to assume that’s due to the fact that, in about a month, I’m LEAVING! on a JET PLANE! and going to EUROPE! (Well, actually, multiple jet planes. You have to transfer quite a bit to get to the land of the Finns.) So yes, I am job-hunting. Not fun. But I have a thing to look forward to, so that’s keeping my eyes all bright and my spirits all chipper.
I suppose, if nothing else, this is giving me more time for the writing of all the things. And watching all the television. Slowly but surely I’m catching up on my programs, which is nice. Someday I might actually be ALL caught up! Ha, yeah, right.
So, just in case you’re new (and if you’re new, the nametags are over by the door, along with your freshly-baked cookies and towels folded into the shapes of zoo animals), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 34th one. THIRTY-FOUR, you guys, can you even? I know. It’d be impressive if it wasn’t so damn insane. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? It makes the voices in my head quiet for a little while? Sure. Let’s go with that.
I didn’t get many questions this month, but I got a lot of search terms. So, like last month, we’re just going to have a big old list of search terms. Look at me rolling with the punches. I’m amazing, yeah? Totally am.
Here we go, ladies, gentlemen, and yes, even you, Ding Dong Joe. Even you.
– well ken, if you ask me, there is too much to complain about being young. it can really be hard sometimes, especially when your patents hardly ever you leave alone – you’re telling me! i quite like my mom and dad, but they’re always ready to criticize me. “don’t do this! you can’t that!”/ it’s often really hard to put with – oh, it’s really that bad. frankly, i’m having a big argument with my Well! This is a very long paragraph. I don’t really know why you’d put all of this into a search, to be honest. It sounds like something from a radio call-in show. I don’t think you’ve found the right place. I mean, sure, we know a Ken here, and he’s one of our favorite humans, but I don’t know that he wants to give you advice on how hard it is to be a youth. He’s a grown-up man-person. I suppose he can come back and give you advice if he’s so inclined. That’d be up to him, though.
bitches be like i’m not materialistic Oh! Bitches! Bitches be like, “I don’t like to be called a bitch, so why don’t you stop calling me that or I’m going to break up with you, you misogynistic piece of garbage!” In my experience, that’s what bitches be like, yo.
bluerose frommetoyou signifies Blue roses don’t exist in nature. Geneticists have created them artificially, but you’ll never find a natural blue rose. Isn’t that interesting? If you see a blue rose, it’s either been genetically modified, or it’s a white rose that’s been dyed. The internets tells me that they are a symbol of love and prosperity. I think they’re a symbol of someone thinking you’re not savvy enough to know they’re not real. I don’t want fake dyed flowers. I like tulips and daisies and sunflowers. Cheerful flowers are my favorites. I’m pretty low-maintenance.
dating website “do you have more photos?” code Shit. It’s a CODE? I thought it was just the guy wanting to see if you were a fatty, or wanting nude photos of you. This is why I am terrible at online dating and no longer doing it. I tried twice, both times were disasters, I am officially out of the game. I will become a crazy cat lady. It is my fate.
finnish sexy girls I’m not sure of Finnish ladies are sexier than other ladies, but I’ll let you know soon. SO SOON. Seriously, guys. The date for the Finland trip is coming up SO QUICKLY. I’ll be sure to keep you informed on the relative sexiness of the Finnish naiset. (That’s ladies. IN FINNISH!)
fucking sex in football sport tumblr Good grief, there’s a lot going on in this search string. I don’t know that I can help you with any of this. Well, I mean, I drop the eff bomb sometimes. And I know how the sexing works. And I have a Tumblr. But otherwise…no. Sorry.
funny names of clowns n how to pronounce them OK, clowns aren’t funny, first off. And how hard is it to pronounce a clown-name? Boppy. Slappy. Stabby. Those aren’t that difficult. I am confused about you, searcher. Are you wearing a clown mask and waiting in people’s bushes? The non-euphemistic kind of bushes, I mean? You are, aren’t you? Dammit. STOP IT.
go back my dinner no i’m a 1040 dun the rest just got legs No idea. None. Usually I can get a clue about what you want from these, but this is just gibberish. The only thing that might have gotten you here is 1040 because of the time I spent working at the tax firm, but dinner, and legs, and I don’t even know, dude. Have we ever figured out who these people are who are searching these weird things, and what their motive is? No? Sheesh.
how do i get rid of the “people you may know” banner from the top of my page? i already know what friends i might know and do not need suggestions. these suggestions are annoying. This is a nice little search term. Sentences and sentences about this. OK, I was saving this, but I’m going to give this to you guys, because you keep coming here for this: I HAVE FOUND A WAY TO GET RID OF YOUR PEOPLE-YOU-MAY-KNOW ON FACEBOOK. No, I’m not kidding. I’m very serious. It’s called F.B. Purity. It’s a browser extension (I have Google Chrome, and I’m not sure how this works with other browsers…but it’s an easy add with Chrome.) With this extension, you can get rid of People You May Know, and you can get rid of all ads and trending topics in your feed, you can get rid of people’s checkins with FourSquare, you can get rid of Goodreads status updates, you can get rid of that annoying automated list of friends they auto-populate for you on the left, you can make it ALWAYS show you “most recent” (which is why I looked into this – I was so tired of Facebook re-sorting my feed into “top stories,” I can’t even tell you)…it’s kind of awesome. You can also choose NOT to get rid of these things. It’s totally customizable and very easy to use. I don’t advocate things here that much, but I’m using this myself, and it’s totally uncluttered my Facebook. Now if it could only show ALL of my friends’ updates, and pages I follow, which is my biggest complaint right now…but I’m not as weird about it as you all are. I get hundreds of searches a month for people wanting to get rid of the People You May Know. I HAVE FOUND YOU A SOLUTION. You are so welcome. I should have found a way to monetize this, right? Dammit. I’m always so late on the thinking.
i think u r real persin but u r slut quotation OK, I tell you this whenever you search this, but STOP CALLING PEOPLE SLUTS. It’s a terribly derogatory term. Also, a person can be a “slut” and a “real person” AT THE SAME TIME, even though I truly believe there aren’t sluts. I think calling someone a slut is just a way of shaming them for their sexuality. Just ANOTHER way. So stop it. Whenever you want to call someone a slut or a whore, think twice. OK?
my lane bryant bra underwire is coming out, do they fix it? Ha! Of course they don’t fix it. They want you to buy a new $30 bra. You can fix it – just find the hole and do some whip-stitches there, it’s not a big deal – or you can just buy a new bra. My thought is, almost every time the underwire starts popping out, the bra’s on its last legs, anyway, and it’s time for a new one. And even if you stitch up the hole, another one seems to show up not long after. So…yeah. You can make it limp along for a bit, but it’s probably best to buy some new undergarments, darlin’.
neice and nephew are exhausting Goodness, aren’t they just? But, like, in the best of ways. I know I am SO TIRED after a day spent with The Nephew, but happy-tired. GOOD-tired. He’s a ball of energy, that little guy. “Aunt Amy! Let’s do this!” “Aunt Amy, NOW THIS!” “You’re not too tired, Aunt Amy, DO IT AGAIN!” And then I’m like a panting puddle of exhaustion in the corner after about an hour, but he’s still bopping around like a jumping bean. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. He’s my best thing.
pepe le pew in tight jeans I could not find Pepe Le Pew in jeans. (He’s a skunk. Why’s he wearing jeans?) But I found THESE sassy pants with Pepe Le Pew ON them! Nice, right? I know you totally want them. They’re on eBay, go get in a bidding war over them. It’s ok. Have a good time, chipmunk.
sexsi kek tarifleri You guys. YOU GUYS! This means “sexs cake recipes” in Turkish! OK, the “sexs” part of it made me giggle like a child, and then I was all, “what the heck would a sex cake even BE?” And then I couldn’t decide if it was, like, a boob or penis cake, or something you’d eat either before, during, or after sex, or something witchcrafty that made people want to have sex with you. Either way, I find this utterly delightful. Thank you, Turkish searcher! Lucy’nin Futbol hoşgeldiniz! (That’s “welcome to Lucy’s Football” in Turkish. I’m nothing if not inclusive!)
show me the bratz the nora dressed as hell and i really pretty bad breath Again. AGAIN. I don’t even know. I know what a “Bratz” is (those things worry me. Their heads are way too big, they wear way too much makeup, and they wear far too little clothing) but the rest of it, again, is word salad. “Dressed as hell” and “i really pretty bad breath” don’t even make sense together. Or apart. Man, but am I confused this month.
snoring on Amtrak Oh, this was so written by someone who sat next to me either to or from Maryland or Virginia last year. I can’t even help it, you guys. I fall asleep and 99% of the time, I snore like a chainsaw. I don’t have a deviated septum or anything. It’s this inherited thing. All the people on my dad’s side of the family snore. Even The Nephew snores. And he’s four, you guys. So: I apologize to whoever’s going to be sitting next to me on the plane to and from Europe next month. If there was a way to make it stop short of suffocating myself, I would.
stubborness does not pays images and pictures Are you going to find an image of this, do you think? Because I don’t think you’ll find one. This isn’t a common saying. Also, stubbornness isn’t something you can overcome. Well, I guess you can TRY. But for those of us who are stubborn, it’s a constant struggle. We just dig our feet in and REFUSE. Sometimes even when it’s not in our best interest. Like, me? If someone tells me what to do, I immediate want to do the opposite. Even if that person would say something like, “this house is on fire, get out now.” My first reaction, when faced with an order, is to rebel against it. Now, with age, I’ve learned that you can’t always DO that…but I still do it more often than a sane person should. This has led to some adventures, sure…but it’s also led to some major problems. So, does stubbornness pay? If it does, my bank account doesn’t show any rewards from it, that’s for sure.
this really who just philosophy would you dare give heart’s cages in, working heart. Again, people! THIS IS JUST NONSENSE! Are you finding any actual results with these sorts of searches? I do like “heart’s cages” and “working heart,” though. Somewhat poetic, you gibberish-spouting weirdo. Bravo.
what kind of nose does eric balfour have? A super-sexy kind! He’s DELICIOUS, that Balfour. Such a profile. I have a total crush on that man. I have for a long time. (I don’t know if he’s the best actor, to be honest, but I sure do like to look at him.)
what will cheer up my sugar glider GETTING ANOTHER SUGAR GLIDER. We’ve talked about this, you guys. Sugar gliders die of loneliness. You can’t have just one. They need contact. They also can’t be left alone, so if you have only one, you need to bring it places with you. They’re the cutest little fellas, but they’re high-maintenance pets. Like with any other pets, you need to research them before getting them and know what you’re getting into, ok? And if you can’t give them a good home, get Sea Monkeys, or something. There’s nothing that bothers me more than people who don’t take proper care of their pets.
why does joel mchale hate zak bagans Oh, I don’t know that he hates him. I think he pokes fun at him. Because Bagans is a douche. Per Joel McHale, he’s The Ghostdouche. I know he has this whole gang of obsessive followers and such, but he’s an overly-gelled Ed-Hardy-wearing slimy douchebag. And come on, don’t even tell me you believe those “ghosts” he finds. I’ve personally seen two shows where his “ZOMG I FOUND A GHOST” overacting made me laugh so hard I almost ruptured MULTIPLE internal organs. But remember: Joel McHale is an comedian. Do I think he ACTUALLY hates Douchebag O’Bagans? Probably not. But he’s a good target to make fun of. And that’s what McHale does. For a living.
you don’t sincerely think love will end up disagreeing; good; insane, do you? quoted from batman STOP TYPING WORD SALAD INTO GOOGLE IT IS NOT DOING YOU ANY GOOOOOOOODDDDD
джейме ланнистер This one is Jaime Lannister in Ukranian! Even the UKRANIANS love my Jaime Lannister! Nice choice, Ukranians. Я люблю Хайме Lannister теж! Я радий, що ти тут! (This is supposed to say “I love Jaime Lannister, too! I’m glad you’re here!” but it makes me suspicious that the searcher’s “Lannister” and my “Lannister” are very different. Oh, Google Translate, why you gotta do me like that?)
There you go, sweet potatoes! All of April. All for you. April showers bring May flowers…and MAY TRIPS TO EUROPE. And by this time next month, I will be on European soil. This is not even a drill. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)