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Category Archives: killer

Murder…ON HIS MIND!

I had a whole big plan for this post. But, you know what they say. THE BEST LAID PLANS OF MICE AND MEN…um…often get attacked and eaten by Dumbcat? Something something. FINE, I will look it up. It is “The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men/Gang aft agley.” That is not really the best of English. It just means, don’t plan nothin’, sunshine, because your little old heart’s gonna get squashed like a spider climbing up the living room wall.

So a few weeks ago, I read that Lifetime (TELEVISION FOR WOMEN!!! I am a woman! It’s for ME!) was going to be doing a movie based on the Chris Porco story. I WAS VERY EXCITED. Why? Because it was Lifetime? No. Because Porco is kind of a funny last name? No. Because I’m nuts? Perhaps.

Because it happened HERE! IN MY TOWN! And also, as you know, I’m obsessed with murder. Also with rolling one’s “r”s so words sound more portentous. Murrrrrderrrrrr.

So back in 2004, when I’d not been here very long (but was totally already in love with my new town) there was totally an axe murder here. An AXE-MURDER! I know, that’s the most salacious. Someone broke into the house of a very nice man and his wife and axe-murdered the husband and also attempted to axe-murder the wife, but she survived. The husband did not survive. Also, you guys, AXE-MURDER. Shocking!

Even more shocking? Guess who was the number one suspect?

THEIR COLLEGE-AGE SON CHRIS PORCO!

All these details started coming out. Their son was pretending to be rich to all of his college friends, even though he wasn’t. He forged his dad’s name on a big loan and his dad found out and was threatening to call the cops. He was flunking out of college. He’d stolen and sold some of his parents’ electronics on Ebay. Whoever broke into the house that night not only knew the alarm code, but left a door-key in the lock. His Jeep was seen on camera leaving campus and returning to campus in the exact perfect timeframe for the murder. And he stood to inherit a lot of money when his parents died.

Oh, also, when the cops and EMTs showed up at his parents’ house that night, one of the cops asked her who did this. Was it a family member? She nodded yes. Was it Chris? She nodded yes again.

So the cops questioned him but he had answers for all of their questions. And he kept saying he would never axe-murder his parents. Who would axe-murder their parents? What kind of person would do that?

So they arrested him, and then there was a trial, and one of my most favorite local lawyers represented him (no, seriously, he’s awesomeness, and if I ever get arrested for murder, I’m so calling him, and when I told my mom that, she said, “Are you PLANNING murder? Don’t plan murder”) and it was ALL OVER THE PAPERS and it was MOST SALACIOUS.

This is Terry Kindlon. If you murder someone in Albany, you call Terry. He's awesomeness.

This is Terry Kindlon. If you murder someone in Albany, you call Terry. He’s awesomeness.

Oh, also, apparently all the ladies were in love with Chris Porco? I didn’t understand that, so much. He was a good enough looking kid, I guess, but he must have been super-charming, because I don’t know that I would want to be hanging out with an axe-murderer. SORRY! “Alleged” axe-murderer at that point, right? Did I just spoil everyone? Shit.

See? Just an ordinary kid. He must have magic powers or something, I don't know.

See? Just an ordinary kid. He must have magic powers or something, I don’t know.

They moved the trial to Goshen which is down by Woodstock because they didn’t think he could get a fair trial here. I like the town of Goshen because somewhere at some point in my life (I want to say from my grandmother?) someone used to say “Land o’ Goshen!” when they were surprised by something. Like, “Land o’ Goshen, why are you climbing on the bookcase?” Then when I found out it was a real town, I laughed and laughed and now whenever I drive past it or someone mentions it I call it LAND O’ GOSHEN!

Holy hell, Land o' Goshen is a THING! A Biblical THING!

Holy hell, Land o’ Goshen is a THING! A Biblical THING!

Well, long story…um…truncated, he was found guilty of murdering his father and attempting to murder his mother. Oh, and his poor mother. She was all chopped up and has a glass eye and totally was defending him up and down and said she never nodded when she was asked about it, and if she DID, it was because she was LYING IN A POOL OF BLOOD AND ALSO BRAIN MATTER. Decent point, Mrs. Porco. But also kind of sad. He got 50 years to life, is currently in prison up by my parents, and still says he did not axe-murder anyone. And someone once told me he gets all the fanmail. Which makes me sad for whoever’s sending that.

Now, I suppose he might be innocent. He might have been Shawshanked. I mean, it looked like Andy Dufresne killed his wife and her lover, too, but he was framed. So maybe Chris Porco was framed. Anything’s possible. But oh, my, if someone framed him, that was the best frame-job ever. Wait, is frame-job a euphemism like hand-job? It wasn’t meant to be. Unless you want it to be. Do you want it to be?

Shawshanked!!!

Shawshanked!!!

(I think an important disclaimer that should have been made a long time ago should be made right now. I don’t condone murder or think murder is cool. I’m just oddly fascinated by this kind of thing. I think in a former life I was a cop or a lawyer or a morgue attendant or more likely brutally axe-murdered.)

ANYWAY, so of course I was very excited when Lifetime decided to do the Chris Porco story. Oddly, they named it Romeo Killer: The Chris Porco Story, which was just confusing. What the hell did that have to do with axe-murder? But it’s Lifetime, I always set the bar low. This is the network that had the movie about the Craigslist killer and when they talked about Albany, where he went to college, they pronounced it Alll-banny, instead of Awl-bunny, and every time they did that, I screamed at the television, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WE ARE THE STATE CAPITAL!”

See? Even old-timey newspapers know we're the STATE CAPITAL!

See? Even old-timey newspapers know we’re the STATE CAPITAL!

However, Chris Porco filed an injunction! And stopped the movie! And I was so so upset! Because I was all prepared to watch it and mock it and laugh and laugh! But then at the last minute the judge allowed it to air! Oh, the excitement!

Yeah. Well, here’s where the plans gang aft agley, friends.

THE MOVIE WAS THE MOST TERRIBLE THING.

I took notes but I kind of gave up at one point because it wasn’t even so bad it was good; it was just so, so bad. Embarrassingly so. I have no idea why Chris Porco stopped this. It had just about nothing to do with him. Nothing. Other than his name. And a tangential axe-murder. And at the end of the movie, they even SAID they’d made up a bunch of characters. They didn’t even stick to real characters! They made UP characters! Lifetime, you are the worst. The WORST! If you are television for women, what women, exactly, are you television FOR? Ones with terrible taste who like really bad things?

But I will share some of my notes with you. I mean, we’ve come this far, right?

OMG, already SO CREEPY with pictures of a SCARECROW and BLOWING LEAVES. It’s like a Halloween murder mystery!

DELMAR NEW YORK!!! OMG, this is EXCITING! I wonder how they’ll pronounce Delmar. Probably like Dalemore.

Dead people on the FLOOR! Blood on GLASSES! SALACIOUSNESS!

Heh, look at Porco going for a casual jog like he didn’t just axemurder his parents. Wait, why is this Porco blonde and all ripped? They couldn’t find a short dark-haired kid with glasses? This is misleading.

Not at ALL like Porco. What the hell?

Not at ALL like Porco. What the hell?

Will from Will and Grace! Oh, well, HE will lend some much-needed gravitas to this film, right?

He misses Jack. I think we all do.

He misses Jack. I think we all do.

Nope. Nevermind. Will seems to be in this film to grimace a lot, and also say things in a grumbly low cop-voice.

Ew, this is graphic for a Lifetime movie? Axe chops to the face? This is on like at 8pm on a Saturday night. Couldn’t kids be watching this? This is kind of upsetting my stomach.

Whew, they said Albany correctly. It’s like they did some research for this one. I approve, Lifetime.

Oh, so, see, Porco is a ROMEO. He can talk any woman into ANYTHING. I don’t remember that being mentioned in the paper or as part of the case or anything. Why is that the direction this movie decided to take? The story’s interesting enough without the weird “Porco is porking all the girls in the greater Delmar area” angle.

Will from Will and Grace is gonna solve this case, yo. You know what would help? Jack. Or Karen! Karen would totally help. She’d get all drunk and then Porco would try to seduce her and she’d get the secrets from him. CALL KAREN, WILL!

Oh, and now Will’s daughter is all in love with ROMEO. This is sad. Why’s everyone in love with this douche? I’m so confused with this movie. SO CONFUSED.

Heh. Every girl thinks they’re his girlfriend. Like, five different girls think they’re exclusive with an axemurderer. That’s the saddest.

Now he’s going to work with animals? Yeah, that’s how a lot of killers get their start. Good idea, lady who runs the vet clinic. Letting him have access to scalpels and animals and anesthetic and such.

This woman that loves him like a son that works in the vet clinic with him also seems to be happy in her pants about him. Is that on purpose, do you think? Or just a terrible acting job?

Oh, his girlfriend found out he was a LIAR! Your pants are on fire now, blonde Porco wannabe!

Heh. Now he’s saying his family are all mafioso and THAT’S who killed his family. Did that happen in the real case? I don’t remember that happening. That’s actually a very funny twist. “Yeah, I didn’t kill my family, but my other family members…the, um…mafioso? THEY DID THIS.”

Oh, now it’s all dirty-sexy and the cop’s daughter is all being seduced even though she KNOWS he’s the axemurderer, what is WRONG with people?!?!? Are they going to have sex in this swimming pool? Why is she in the high school swimming pool in the middle of the night? Aren’t places locked up? YAY SHE STOOD UP FOR HERSELF! Watch out. He might axemurder you. I kind of like this sexy song. What, he’s gonna sexually assault her in the pool? What is this shit? Why isn’t she more scared? Why is she laughing like this is a fun game of Marco Polo? (If you people watched television with me, this is kind of the things I say to myself as I’m watching something terrible. Or anything, really. I talk to myself a lot. I pretend I’m talking to the cats, but I really talk to myself, I’m not fooling anyone.)

This guy playing Porco’s lawyer is not at ALL as cool as the real guy. OH SIDE NOTE, the real guy was on television this week and was all, “Yeah, I watched the movie. The man playing me…um…quoted me a couple times? That’s about all I have to say about that.” Hee! I love him.

The real guy is much more awesome than this. This guy always just looked stunned.

The real guy is much more awesome than this. This guy always just looked stunned.

Good grief, this has nothing to do with the case. Chris Porco was not at all this sexified. He was like kind of a normal kid. Not gross, not super-hot. Just normal. This is so strange.

“Just tell me you were SOMEWHERE!” says his frat brother.  “He was somewhere. He was chopping up his parents,” says me.

MURDER ON HIS MIND!!! Oh, now this is why I watch Lifetime movies. Because they say things like “murder on his mind.”

Why the hell is the guy playing his lawyer Canadian? He keeps saying “aboot.” He’s not Canadian. This is so weird.

SO MUCH AXE CHOPPERY. This is turning my stomach and I’m usually very good about such things. GAH. OMG the dad WALKED AROUND WITH AXE CHOPS AND BRAIN DAMAGE GETTING READY FOR WORK BECAUSE HE DIDN’T REALIZE HE WAS DYING. This is the WORST. Can you imagine that your last actions on earth are getting ready for work? Emptying the damn dishwasher? When I go out, I want to go out doing something AWESOME. Rescuing someone from a burning building. Having all the sex. Eating a really good sandwich. Something other than EMPTYING THE DISHWASHER. (I don’t even HAVE a dishwasher!)

Then I gave up on taking notes, because the movie was terrible, and there was a TRUE CRIME thing after it that I watched and it was even MORE upsetting and also showed crime-scene photos and MORE axe-choppery and poor Mrs. Porco and Chris Porco in prison reiterating he would never, ever do this and also his older brother who was kind of a hottie in a severe angry ginger sort of way.

Also, my cable keeps freezing up, and I need to call Time Warner and ask them what the hell, because it’s always at the most exciting part, and it’s doing it again tonight during The Walking Dead and I almost missed something EXCITING.

So, as you can see, this totally COULD have been fun and exciting, but was NOT. However, because I am intrepid, I stretched this out into like a billion words. As I do. As I always do.

Hope you all had the best weekends ever, full of adventure and fun and…um…maybe chocolate? Sure. Chocolate. If that’s your thing. I’ve got two cats here that need some petting and are VERY underloved. Aw, I’m neglecty. See you all soon, jellybeans.

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Death by Chocolate (not a euphemism)

One more weekend of the play and we’re all done! I am ready for some relaxing so I’m glad to see it go, although I’m very proud of it so will be sad for it to end. CONFLICTED I AM CONFLICTED. But not all that conflicted, mostly because it means my weekends are (mostly) my own again.

AND AND AND! A week from tomorrow – so EIGHT DAYS FROM TODAY – is TOTALLY Andreas-day! He will actually be here much earlier in the week doing work-things, but I will get to meet him on Saturday. I’m seriously so excited I can barely sit still. BOUNCING AND BOUNCING. Tonight Dad said, “You might be a little keyed up about that.” I MIGHT JUST BE! JUST A LITTLE BIT! (“Keyed up” is a Dad-ism. It’s a step above excited and just a weeeee bit below manic. Dad disapproves heartily of being keyed up. He thinks people should always be calm, cool and collected. Or at least they should PRETEND to be; otherwise, it is unseemly. Dad thinks we should always be seemly. OTHER people are unseemly. WE are SEEMLY. (I constantly let him down by having EMOTIONS and FEELINGS which are not RATIONAL ZOMG!!!)

I'm fairly sure Dad would find Grover unseemly. I am very much LIKE Grover, however.

I’m fairly sure Dad would find Grover unseemly. I am very much LIKE Grover, however. THIS IS HOW EXCITED I AM.

I have an important work story called: I Am Practical.

My boss (who sits kind of across from me and behind a counter with some printers on it) was VERY EXCITED today because someone left her a candy bar on her desk while she was at lunch. So she totally ate that candy bar. Then she was all, “I wonder who left me that candy bar! I would like to thank them.” So she started calling people randomly to see if they were the chocolate-gifter but no one fessed up to it.

SUSPICIOUS.

SUSPICIOUS.

I sat there kind of horrified because I was pretty sure she was doing that in the wrong order. Aren’t you supposed to FIRST find out where your gift chocolate came from, THEN eat it? It was like Halloween, only MUCH MORE DISTRESSING.

So she said, in a musing tone, “I wish I knew who gave me this. Ooh, it could have been John.” (She didn’t say John, I don’t remember who she said, someone we work with. There are a billion people there and I only know like three of their names. I’m really terrible with names.)

So of course I said, “Or maybe a killer.” I mean, what else are you going to say, other than the truth?

Think about it. Wouldn’t this be the best way to kill someone? You poison a candy bar and then cunningly wrap it back up and place it on someone’s desk. And probably they’d eat it. Most people would think, aw! A thoughtful and delicious gift!

NOT ME, SUCKERS. I WOULD NOT EAT YOUR SUSPICIOUS GIFT-CANDY. YOU’RE NOT GETTING ME THAT EASILY!!!

My boss said, “What? Amy? What?” and I said again, “A killer. A killer probably left that, N.”

This made her laugh and laugh. Then she kept saying, “Amy thinks it was a KILLER that left me that chocolate!”

Listen, I’m just practical, here. I’m just looking out for my boss, who is also a wonderful person and my friend and I like her lots AND much. You don’t just eat gift chocolate. That could be the last thing you eat, you don’t know. YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT FOOD THAT APPEARS WITHOUT WARNING. Did we learn nothing from Snow White? Ok, fine, so that apple didn’t appear out of NOWHERE, a seemingly benign little old woman gave it to her, but STILL, that put her in a glass coffin where people STARED at her for like EVER and then some man KISSED her without even her SAY-SO. I mean, is that the path that my boss wants to go down? Is it really?

Bad move, Snow. BAD MOVE.

Bad move, Snow. BAD MOVE.

I had to drop some files off with her before I left for the day and I told her she looked peaked and then I touched her arm and said, “Yep. Definitely feverish. First sign of mystery chocolate poisoning” and shook my head sadly. She laughed the most. I told her I was just keepin’ it real, yo.

I am a very good coworker, as you can see. Very practical. Lookin’ out for ma peeps.

(No, she never found out who gave her the mystery chocolate. I know. It’s distressing.)

AND, this week, we announced (FINALLY!) our 2013-2014 season at the theater, hooray!

We are doing:

  • Big Maggie by John B. Keane, which is an Irish dramedy about a woman whose cheating husband has just passed away, so she decides to lay down the law with her children, who she thinks are going down the wrong path. It’s dark and a little twisted and the director is one of our best local directors and it will be wonderful. I’m really looking forward to it.
  • ‘night, Mother by Marsha Norman, one of my favorite plays of all time (cue the daughter of one of my friends who always says, “AMY! All you like are REALLY DARK THINGS!” She’s not wrong) directed by my friend N., who loves it as much as I do, so I know he’s going to knock it out of the park. You know ‘night, Mother, right? If you don’t, I’m not going to spoil it for you, as much as I’d like to. It’d be a totally asshole thing to do. It’s just that good. In brief, and non-spoilery: the play opens with Jessie telling her mother, who is also her roommate, because Jessie’s life has kind of imploded, as lives go, that she has decided she is going to kill herself. Jessie’s mom, of course, doesn’t believe her. Over the course of the play, Jessie explains: no. She is very serious. Her life is terrible, she has nothing left, and she’s made all the necessary plans. This is the night, she has the gun. This is it. Her mother’s job is to attempt to talk her out of it. Yes. I love dark things. Love them. And this play has been one of my favorites since college. Mainly because it clearly and honestly represents depression. It’s the one play this season I am most excited about; I’ve wanted to see it onstage again for almost twenty years now. I’m so very excited it was chosen, and with N. directing it.

    Here is a very young Kathy Bates in "'night, Mother" on Broadway. IT IS SO GOOD YOU GUYS. Also there's a movie, with Sissy Spacek, if you like that kind of thing.

    Here is a very young Kathy Bates in “‘night, Mother” on Broadway. IT IS SO GOOD YOU GUYS. Also there’s a movie, with Sissy Spacek, if you like that kind of thing.

  • Boeing Boeing by Marc Camoletti, which is a silly French farce where a man thinks it is a very good idea to have THREE GIRLFRIENDS who are ALL FLIGHT ATTENDANTS and since they’re always in and out at different times, they don’t know about each other so HE WINS GIRLFRIENDING. Well, if you guess “they all happen to have layovers at the same time” as to what happens in this play YOU WIN GUESSING FRENCH FARCES. People will love this; it will do very well; we need to have at least one comedy because this is a very dark season (which, as mentioned, I love.) Friend A. is directing this one and he is wonderful and has such a good eye for things. It will be great.
  • All My Sons by Arthur Miller. WE ARE DOING AN ARTHUR MILLER PLAY. I know. That totally needs a ZOMG, right? Surprisingly, I hadn’t read this play before the committee this year and it’s important, beautifully-written and heavy and sobering; it’s wonderful theater, and one of our OTHER best local directors is directing this one, so it’s going to be amazing.

I’m really proud of the season, and proud of the work we did choosing it. I’ve got some more theater news coming up soon, probably in a few days, but we’ll talk about that when it comes. Also some OTHER exciting news, but that’ll come when it comes. No point jumping the gun. You’ll just get shot, who needs that shit? If you go to the ER, they have to report that to the cops. ALL GUNSHOTS GET REPORTED TO THE COPS. Don’t you watch Law and Order?

Have a happy weekend, all good boys and girls. Also, all bad boys and girls, I’m not picky about your goodness. You be as good or bad as you want, just don’t get arrested, I don’t have bail in my back pocket, yo.


Never trust a man named Stinky. I feel this is a common-sense thing.

I have two very important things to tell you! TWO THINGS! And possibly more, who knows what will happen, I get distracted a lot, I’m like a kitten with string and/or toy mice.

So today, Andreas and I attempted to Skype AGAIN. We are nothing if not persistent. But immediately, Skype did not work. So I sent poor Andreas many many all-caps messages like “SKYPE HATES ME” and “I HATE VIDEO CHATTING” and “THIS IS NOT LIKE JETSONS-WORLD AT ALLLLLL” and he was very patient and said, “Now we will try Tango” which apparently is like Skype only not Skype, and not the sexy dance. (SIDE NOTE! I had to do the tango in this play I was in once, in college? And I cannot dance, not even the slightest bit at all? So they even had me go to the dance teacher lady on campus for lessons and I made her put her head down and make suspicious noises that I think were probably weeping-noises? Yeah, so this story ends with I kind of wasn’t very good at that at all, and probably shouldn’t dance in public or private or kind of anywhere again ever. SO, of course when Andreas was all “I’m going to invite you to Tango” I was all “NO NO NEVER AGAIN I MADE MISS SIDNEY CRY!” but come to find out it was ok after all.)

I promise you right now I didn't look anything like this. There was more falling and/or tripping.

I promise you right now I didn’t look anything like this. There was more falling and/or tripping.

So we tried Tango and it didn’t even download right away because the internet hated me today but then it FINALLY downloaded and then we tried Tango and guess what? No. Seriously. Guess.

IT DIDN’T WORK EITHER.

It let us call each other, then it let us say, “Hello?” but not see each other’s faces, and then it immediately hung up on us. Numerous times. So then there was a flurry of ALL-CAPS EMAILS. Repeating my earlier “ZOMG ANDREAS I AM BREAKING THE INTERNET.” And because Andreas is calm, he replied with, “Yes. Yes you are. Let’s try again.”

We decided to try Skype again, because we could at least not-talk and type. So that was pathetic and sad, but ok, sort-of.

So then we Skyped and it kept doing that freezing crap so we typed and then I heard adorable noises so Andreas went to get his wonderful amazing son! And apparently, that FIXED SKYPE! Because then Skype started working! So I could see Andreas’ son! And here’s the best part, ready? I MADE HIM LAUGH! He laughed an adorable baby-laugh! I MADE A BABY LAUGH ALL THE WAY IN FINLAND! Also, he is WONDERFUL. He has the most amazing eyes and he totally pays attention to you and puts his whole hand in his mouth and laughs and laughs.

So Andreas and I got to talk with our faces AND our mouths, and we stalked each other and also various places we are going in New York City on Google Streetview and talked about his upcoming trip and various things and this and that and LISTEN. I’m totally the most awkward talking on the phone to anyone but my parents? It is the truth. I am very weird about phones. And probably just as weird about video-phones, if I had ever used one successfully.

STREET VIEW! I like street view. It makes me feel like I am right there. I think it's magical.

STREET VIEW! I like street view. It makes me feel like I am right there. I think it’s magical.

HOWEVER! It was not at all awkward with Andreas. This could be for a variety of reasons: we email and talk so often it’s like we already know each other; Andreas is just very cool so things are easy; magic; all of the above. I choose d.

Anyway, this is a very good sign that our New York City trip will be a grand success. And BFF totally guessed where we were going after reading yesterday’s post. I got a text all “YOU ARE GOING TO ______!” and I texted back “Hee, yep, we totally are.” He wins guessery!

And then tonight I went to the bookstore to buy Andreas’ wonderful daughter some books so she can have presents from the crazy lady from Merka. And also got a present for the most wonderful baby boy, and then this week will get presents for Andreas and his lovely fiancée. I HAVE ALL THE PLANS AND SCHEMES!!! (I cannot tell you what they are now, but once they are gifted, I totally will, because they are fun and awesome.)

(Also, I got to see my wonderful bookstore friend K., who is not my theater friend K. – although she IS a theater friend, just not THAT theater friend, THIS IS ALL VERY CONFUSING I’M SORRY! and she helped me pick out the best books for a wonderful little girl with the best smile ever. And we had the best talk. I haven’t seen her in a while and it was so nice to see her and we are going to get together soon for an airing of grievances because we both have many grievances and perhaps we could SOLVE each other’s grievances, and wouldn’t that be nice? Sure it would!)

ANYWAY, today was totally a triumph for the idea of living in Jetsons-times, and I approve. Also, let Andreas tell you what he will, but he is TOTALLY fancy. He’s both very calming and very challenging. Does that make sense? I don’t even care, that’s what he is. (Good challenging, not like when someone’s being an asshole and you’re all trying not to hit them with a mallet and you say, “YOU’RE certainly being challenging today, aren’t you?” No. Like the kind of challenging where the person makes you think about things you never knew before, that kind of challenging.) He’s the person I want in my corner forever and ever. I couldn’t be more excited about a week from Saturday if you told me there would be penguins. And who’s to say, really, that there won’t be penguins? Who, really?

There might be penguins. You never know when you might encounter penguins, seriously.

There might be penguins. You never know when you might encounter penguins, seriously.

OK, I said I had two things to tell you and I DO, but this is getting mega-long. I told you I’d go off on tangents. When do I not go off on tangents?

When I saw C. and C. this weekend, C. (FEMALE C., I know that gets confusing) told me a VERY EXCITING THING. Well, also distressing, but EXCITING. Because I am WEIRD.

THERE WAS A SERIAL KILLER IN POUGHKEEPSIE AND C. AND C.’S NEW HOUSE IS RIGHT NEAR THE MURDER HOUSE.

OK, so the serial killer was like fifteen years ago, but still! MURDER HOUSE! And I’m going to see C. and C. in about a month, and they said (and, surprisingly, were not even fazed by my request, because they know me very well) WE CAN DRIVE BY THE MURDER HOUSE!

So the killer’s name was Kendall Francois (ooh la la!) and he was a murderer of ladies of the evening. That means prostitutes, you guys.

He kind of looks like just some guy. I like when serial killers have crazy eyes. It makes 'em easier to avoid.

He kind of looks like just some guy. I like when serial killers have crazy eyes. It makes ’em easier to avoid.

If you go to this Wikipedia page, the best part of it is that under his name, it says “also known as” and it says “The Poughkeepsie Killer” and then it also says “Stinky.” STINKY! I don’t know that I could take a serial killer seriously if he was all, “I’m going to stab you to death right now, in the meantime, call me Stinky, everyone does.”

Also, his job was that he was a hall monitor at a middle school. I feel like someone named Stinky would not be an appropriate hall monitor. Also, well, serial killer.

Stinky the Serial Killer killed at least 8 women over a two-year period. He only was discovered because one of the ladies of the evening escaped and went to the local convenience store and was all, “yo, this dude tried to kill me” and then the cops moved in and found ALL THE DEAD BODIES IN HIS YARD. In the MURDER HOUSE. In the area where my FRIENDS CURRENTLY LIVE.

You guys MURDER HOUSE!!!

You guys MURDER HOUSE!!!

Things I asked C. and C. about this story:

  • “There was a SERIAL KILLER in your TOWN? I mean. Um. I know that’s totally distressing. YET I CAN’T EVEN PRETEND I’M NOT EXCITED; YOU PEOPLE KNOW I LOVE SERIAL KILLERS!”
  • “We can drive past the MURDER HOUSE? Do people live in the murder house? Murder house is a lot more fun to say if you roll the first r. Murrrrrrder house.”
  • “There are hookers in Poughkeepsie? You don’t even seem surprised about this, you guys, you’re all blasé about the hookers. I find that equal parts charming and worrisome, to be honest.”
  • “Wait, there’s a MOVIE about the serial killer? Called The Poughkeepsie Tapes? WHY HAVE I NOT SEEN THIS YET? OMG, C., remember in college we watched that movie about Binghamton and it was terrible and I kept wanting to turn it off and you were SO SADFACE and you said ‘But it’s about BINGHAMTON!’ until we totally got the giggles?”
  • “Murrrrrder house, murrrrrder house, WE ARE GOING TO DRIVE PAST A MURRRRRRDER HOUSE!!!”
  • “What do you MEAN the 7-11 we went to that time was the convenience store the hooker ran to? OMG. This is VERY EXCITING. We should make our OWN movie called My Friends Live in the Same Neighborhood as a Murder House and Here Are Some Places That Play a Large Part in the Story of Murderous Murder. That’d do well in theaters, right?”

As you can see, I’m really a barrel of fun to bring to the Dinosaur BBQ. I’m really the most inquisitive and joyous.

Also, C. and C., I found this book when I was researching this and I think we should start our own book club and all read it.

You know it’s good because it’s by the author of Lobster Boy.

So next month, first there’s Andreas, then there’s MURDER HOUSE. I mean, could March get any better? The answer is, NO IT COULD NOT!

Happy Tuesday, people of the internets! Watch out for people named Stinky! I mean, I don’t feel as if I should have to warn you about that, but now we have a NEW reason to find them suspect!


At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought.

So you know how I’m obsessed with my stats, right? Shut up, all you other bloggers are, too. Don’t even pretend you’re not. You might be all “oh, I blog just for FUN and I’m really just writing for ME” but you totally dig into that stats page and see how many people are reading and where they’re coming from and how they found your blog just like the rest of us. Just like you people that say you don’t stalk Facebook profiles. EVERYONE DOES THIS. That’s what they’re FOR. That’s why you should LOCK YOUR SHIT DOWN, YO. Unless you want EVERYONE to know what you’ve been doing since you joined Facebook, including potential enemies and people who are checking out their competition and also maybe killers. Do you WANT to be stalked by killers? No, not THE Killers, as in the BAND, I’m sure The Killers have better things to do. REAL LIFE KILLERS. If you don’t, LOCK YOUR SHIT DOWN. I mean, I don’t LIKE it when I go to stalk someone’s page and it’s locked down, but I grudgingly RESPECT them and I don’t think they’re a MORON. Or at least as MUCH of a moron.

That’s tangenty and not at all why we’re here today. Oh, stop making fake shock-faces, you love my tangents. I don’t think that’s a euphemism. Unless you’re a mathematician, I guess. Ken’ll know for sure, I suppose. You know how on Jeopardy when Alex is all, “we’ll have to ask the judges?” That’s how I feel with euphemisms. I have to be all, “Ken? Final ruling, here?” (Hint: it’s a safe bet Ken will rule yes on the euphemism. He usually does.)

So the other day, I was poking around in my stats and like five people had come here from some blog that looked real and not spammy (lately I’ve been getting a lot of random hits from male enhancement sites and also real estate sites? Cut that out, I mean, I appreciate the traffic but what the hell) and so I clicked on it.

Then I was promptly confused as to why these people wanted anything to do with me.

So it’s this site that’s all about economics? But yo, this is a SMART SITE, you guys. This guy is NOT DICKING AROUND. And it’s not that false-intelligent stuff? It’s REAL intelligent stuff. Like, you’d read this in a magazine and then if you were me you’d probably be all “where’s the Entertainment Weekly, I didn’t understand a word of this.” (Also, check out his about page. He’s totally like a musician and Australian and shit. I like this guy a lot.)

Now, I think you’ll all give me the benefit of the doubt when I tell you I am an intelligent woman. I have three degrees, graduated valedictorian from my high school, and don’t even say “yo” or “ZOMG” in real life. I KNOW. Try to contain your shock, please. I’m actually QUITE intelligent. More so than I come across here.

But economics (and to a lesser extent, politics) goes right over my head. Don’t get it. Not even a little bit. And if I were to attempt to talk about it I would be like Billy Madison when he tried to talk about the Industrial Revolution and compared it to the Puppy Who Lost His Way and everyone was dumber having heard his response. (Oh, shush, it’s only like the funniest movie EVER, you guys.)

KNIBB HIGH FOOTBALL RULES!

I took an economics class in high school. Want to know what I remember from it? Here, I’ll tell you.

  • The teacher was a dreamboat. TOTAL DREAMBOAT. He was right out of college and had the blackest curly hair and the bluest eyes that crinkled when he laughed. I just stared at him in awe of his perfection, sincerely.
  • We did this thing where we had imaginary money and we had to purchase stocks and then over the course of the semester see how they did. Dad was all, “Buy McDonald’s, everyone loves burgers.” So I did. I think I made like $5 overall and I felt like Scrooge McDuck swimming through his silo of money.
FIVE DOLLARS WHEEEE!

FIVE DOLLARS WHEEEE!

That is all I know about economics. I know we’re having multiple fiscal crises all over the world but have no idea WHY or how we’re going to go about FIXING them. I only know the exchange rate of Canadian dollars and pounds and Euro because I grew up near Canada and because I have people in Europe and the U.K. and sometimes out of curiosity I like to Google that shit. (For your information: one Euro = $1.32 MERKAN dollars; one Canadian dollar = $1.01 MERKAN dollars; one pound = $1.62 MERKAN dollars. So you’re worst off if you go to London and best off if you go to London, Ontario, if you are from MERKA.)

Also, can I just bitch for a minute? Why is MERKAN money so boring? Foreign money is SO PRETTY.

Also, can I just bitch for a minute? Why is MERKAN money so boring? Foreign money is SO PRETTY.

So that’s what I know about economics. Nothing.

So this is the post I was getting hits from. So I scrolled through it (I attempted to read it, but it was like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me…wah, wah, wah…and I felt bad, because it’s really well-written, you guys. Like, this guy can WRITE. It’s just…written in another language. The language of SMART people who talk about SMART things) and then I started scrolling through the comments and someone mentioned “he’s like Lucy with the Football” and I thought “oh. Oh, shit. I am getting hits from this because THEY PROBABLY GOOGLED ME AND ARE MOCKING ME BECAUSE I SCREW AROUND ON HERE AND AM NOT THE SMART PEOPLE” but they TOTALLY did not. They were VERY NICE. See?

I like that whatever the “MNE brand and community” is could learn a thing or two from me. YEAH BOYYYYY! Wait, is this a good thing? *Googling* No idea, that Google search was fruitless. I’m going to just assume it’s a good thing. It SEEMS good therefore it IS good. In your FACE, MNE brand and community!

Also, I like new internet friends. So I totally commented and told them I would write them a post but I know nothing about economics and also would go off on tangents and I think one person was happy and one person was trepidacious.

One was tentatively impressed with my Kevin Smith love. Well! We will get along JUST FINE, then.

One was tentatively impressed with my Kevin Smith love. Well! We will get along JUST FINE, then.

HI NEW FRIENDS WHO ARE SO MUCH SMARTER THAN I AM ABOUT MONEY AND/OR GLOBAL MONETIZATION!

(Are you all so impressed with my use of the word “monetization” there? I know, right? I don’t know if I used it CORRECTLY but don’t even tell the smart people that.)

Dear smart economicy people: I know a lot about the following things. Theater, wasting large amounts of time on the interwebs, interspecies animal friends, writing long emails and being ferociously protective to people I love, how to make people laugh, the correct use of semicolons, blogging daily, my very unintelligent but loveable cat, how scary clowns are, how much I like chocolate but dislike garlic, and all things Kevin Smith and Joss Whedon.

I do NOT know a lot about the following things. Economics, politics, war, building things without an instruction sheet that comes in the box, what makes a car work, why people insist on doing very stupid things even though they are very intelligent otherwise, and sports.

Except "The Mighty Ducks" movies. I know a lot about these. What, they're totally inspirational, bite me.

Except “The Mighty Ducks” movies. I know a lot about these. What, they’re totally inspirational, bite me.

However, in a STROKE OF FATE AND OR KISMET AND OR MAGIC!, secret-sibling Ken sent me this secret searchy game-like thing the other day because he wanted me to investigate this person because he thought I would find him intriguing and also it was the most fun until it got frustrating and I couldn’t solve it because my Google-fu totally failed me because it’s very HARD to search things in LANGUAGES that you don’t SPEAK, yo, and come to find out THE GUY WAS A VERY FAMOUS ECONOMIST. On the same DAY! How does that even HAPPEN, I ask you? I didn’t even TELL Ken about this blog of new friends who are now probably so embarrassed they even accidentally found my FAQ! Ken is filled with magic. Utterly stuffed. (Yes, yes. Euphemism, Ken. Euphemism.)

So now I know about this person named Albert O. Hirschman who died last week and was VERY IMPRESSIVE. Seriously, you guys, he wrote like a kabillion books – all of which, I’m sure, were I to attempt to read them, would read like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me, because economics = TOO CONFUSING. But ALSO, he was German, and went to school at the Sorbonne and other fancy places, and then – GET THIS – fought in the Spanish Civil War! How bon vivanty is THAT? And – AND – check THIS out that I found on Wikipedia: “After France surrendered to the Nazis, he worked with Varian Fry to help many of Europe’s leading artists and intellectuals to escape to the United States.” Well! THAT is exciting, right? We have movies about that board game Battleship and we don’t have a movie about this?

He then taught at U.C. Berkeley, Yale, Columbia, Harvard, and the “Institute for Advanced Study,” whatever that is.

Listen, this guy sounds both fancy AND bon vivanty. I can see why Ken was impressed. (Also, little known fact? Along with being bon vivanty, Ken’s super-smart about things like politics and economics. I bet he could read that blog and totally understand ALL of it. Good, Ken, do that and give me an Econ for Dummies recap or something, ok? Thanks, you’re the best, I’ll repay you with…um…teaching you about…shit, I’m pretty sure anything I know anything about you’re already pretty schooled on. Sorry.)

So, there! See how I know like ONE THING about economics? Impressed? Yep. Thought you might be.

New friends, I am glad to have you here. Please do not be put off by the ZOMGs or the yo-ing. Sometimes we talk about other things. Like…um…Helper Mules, and…sciency stuff…and sex…and…

Sigh.

Bye, new friends. It was nice knowing you for like three whole days.

(If you are at all into economics, I totally do recommend the blog. It might sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me, but I know good writing when I see it, and it is written very well. I suppose if you know things about economics, it’s probably the best thing.)


Here, put this bandit hat on.

I have VERY LITTLE TIME. I have to write two posts in ONE DAY because this week I have one day I can NOT write a post because I am SUPER FANCY BUSY. I have a DATE, you see.

Oh, don’t get excited. It’s not a romance-date. It’s a friend-date. But I’m super-excited nonetheless. Friend K. and I are going to dinner and a play, then when I get home I have to review the play quickly and then get to bed for work the next morning, and that night will be RUSHED. Super-fun and awesome, because I have not seen friend K. outside of the theater for a long period of time in like EVER, plus we’re going to a new restaurant OUT OF TOWN ZOMG I KNOW! for dinner, and the play is at a fancy theater in a whole THIRD town, so we’re totally bon vivanting that night, but still, that’s lots of traveling and such for a worknight, right? Right.

Also, next week at work is very busy because we have EVENTS. We have meetings and Secret-Santa-ing (although we’re calling it Secret Snowmanning, I assume because of political correctness) and I have bought two gifts for my person – who, by the way, I don’t know? It’s just some guy who sits somewhere on my floor. I don’t even know where he sits. Secret San…I mean SNOWMANNING is going to be difficult for me when I can’t figure out where to put his presents. I suppose I could just leave them in the men’s restroom or something. Someone’s bound to bring them to him, right? All, “Hey, Jeff, here is something I found with your name on it!” Or they might steal it. Not that they’d want his gifts. The things he wanted are pretty specific to him, I think. At some point I have to go buy him beer and lotto tickets. When I told Mom my weekend plans involved buying beer and lotto tickets she wanted to know when I’d become a gambling alcoholic and that made me giggle. Also she said, “You will get fired for bringing alcohol into work!” I said, “I think that’s only if I bring it in and DRINK it there, Mom. Almost everyone wanted alcohol for their gift. I think friend A. and I were the only ones who didn’t list alcohol.” She found this suspect.

So, Dad was VERY EXCITED to tell me all about a PSYCHOMURDERER the other day. I haven’t been paying a lot of attention to the news – lots going on here – but apparently there was a psychomurder and Dad is VERY EXCITED about it. And also scared that means I’m going to be psychomurdered.

So I think we mentioned this a while ago, but there was a serial killer named Israel Keyes who was arrested not-too-long ago who killed a young woman in Alaska and a couple in Vermont and then they caught him and the confessed to ALL THE MURDERING across the country.

It worries me he's handsome. I so would have been psychomurdered by this guy.

It worries me he’s handsome. I so would have been psychomurdered by this guy.

When they asked him why he did it, he totally said, “why not?” and that it gave him a rush. Um. That’s Criminal Minds talk right there, son.

Dr. Spencer Reid disapproves of your shenanigans.

Dr. Spencer Reid disapproves of your shenanigans.

Dad’s all interested in this because the killer totally had a house in a town right next to Dad’s. I’m a little sketchy on the details but Dad said something about Amish people were living in the house so now of course he thinks that the Amish, the killer, and also the government are all in on this killy plot. I asked him what they all had to do with each other and he said “I CAN’T TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW” and I assume that means the government was listening in on our phone call. He always assumes they are. I don’t know what we’re saying that’s so interesting, but Dad lives his life assuming the government’s listening in.

In this article, it says Keyes had a “murder kit” in the house next to my Dad’s that had the following in it:

A murder kit found in upstate New York had weapon parts, a silencer, ligatures, ammunition and garbage bags.

MURDER KIT YOU GUYS!!!

Murderkits are a THING? Oh, no. Oh, this is bad. (There are WETNAPS included. That made me inappropriately laugh.)

Murderkits are a THING? Oh, no. Oh, this is bad. (There are WETNAPS included. That made me inappropriately laugh.)

Israel Keyes said something along the lines of “yeah, you don’t even know how many people I killed, I win murdering” and then killed himself in prison so we won’t ever know how many people he killed, but probably a lot. In news of weirdo overkill, he slit his wrists and ALSO strangled himself with his own bedsheets. So that’s a lot of killation.

So Dad’s take on this was “AMY! This is a KILLER! So now YOU COULD BE KILLED!”

“Um, Dad,” I said, “He’s dead. I think I’m safer than safe from him now, actually.”

“No, from OTHER killers. SO many killers.” Dad’s all freaked out by killers now. I don’t know why NOW. I’ve ALWAYS been freaked out by killers. “The news said most killers already know their victims and serial killers are very rare. Did you know that?”

DID I KNOW THAT. Come on. OF COURSE.

“Yes, Dad. Of course I knew that.”

“You know all about the murders. I should probably be more worried about that, shouldn’t I?”

“Nah. I’m not KILLING anyone with this knowledge. If anything, it PROTECTS me. From the killers. I know their next MOVE.”

“Probably you don’t, Amy. They are killers, after all. Very unpredictable. And probably they’ve watched all the same shows you have.”

He has a point. They probably have. Dammit.

So hopefully I won’t be killed by a killer. Or at least a random killer. Wait, do I need to worry about all of YOU now? Sigh.

So that’s that. Oh, movie recap: I watched THREE MOVIES THIS WEEKEND. I know! Very impressive. Shush, I know this is random, I am in a time crunch, my darlings.

It was pretty. Just not very good.

It was pretty. Just not very good.

Sucker Punch – I know a lot of people loved this, but I couldn’t stand it. Visually impressive but the storyline was ridiculous and confusing. I had to read up on it to figure out what was going on halfway through because I was SO CONFUSED. And when I finished reading I was all, “really? That’s stupid.” I liked the music, though.

LOVE. It had ALL THE WHIMSY.

LOVE. It had ALL THE WHIMSY.

The Fantastic Mr. Fox – oh, I loved this. It was a visual treat, the vocal acting was amazing, and the story was wonderful. I laughed and got teary and clapped. This made me so happy. This won the weekend. Every time Mr. Fox said “here, put this bandit hat on” I cheered.

Also, two out of the three boys were super-pretty.

Also, two out of the three boys were super-pretty.

The Darjeeling Limited – eh, Wes Anderson, I don’t know about this one. It had all the Wes Anderson hallmarks I like – the cinematography was stellar, the acting was great – but the story seemed sparse and then streeeeetched. It wasn’t enough story for the length of the movie, and it wasn’t emotionally engaging. Usually a Wes Anderson movie sucks me right in and makes me part of it and makes me cry and laugh…this one made me laugh a few times, but there was no crying. I didn’t relate to anyone. (Also, as I get older, Owen Wilson has really started to annoy me. What happened there, I wonder?)

OK, this was random and all over the place and AMY STOP DOING THAT. I know. Sorry. Sometimes you just have to get a post out and you have random things in your brain-area and therefore THAT IS WHAT GETS BLOGGED.

Happy…um…Tuesday? Is it Tuesday? Yes. Yes, it is. HAPPY TUESDAY, CHICKADEES!


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