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Category Archives: Joss Whedon

…the status is not quo. The world is a mess and I just need to rule it.

sj alerted me to this and I do not approve. (Of the story, not of sj. I approve of sj most wholeheartedly.)

Apparently, there is a website called WND. I didn’t know it existed, either. Don’t feel bad. “WND” stands for World Net Daily. They find news and then tell you about it from a conservative viewpoint. Oh, I know about this! It’s called Fox News. Dad fills me in on this every day. I’m totally up on the conservative viewpoint and the mockery thereof. It’s both fair AND balanced, you guys.

So WND (I keep wanting to call it WWD and wonder where the fashion is, yo) decided the latest person they hated is – ready for this? Neil Patrick Harris.

NO NO NO. That is NOT ALLOWED.

See, I don’t know if you’re aware? But NPH is gay. YES IT IS TRUE FACTS! He is married to a lovely man and they have adorable twins.

He’s also a talented actor, onstage and in movies and on television, and seems, in interviews, to be a very well-spoken, intelligent, and interesting person. He also sings and dances beautifully and is very, very funny. Seriously, his hosting stint on Saturday Night Live made me laugh until I almost choked. If stupid nbc.com played nice with WordPress I would show you. Instead, here’s a link. And another. (First link is NPH doing this Doogie Howser musical thing – I can’t even explain. Roommate C. and I were in TEARS of laughter. And second link is NPH doing a Broadway skit. Both are worth the click, promise.)

PLUS, come ON, how many actors are happy to make fun of themselves in a stoner movie?

“Yeah. It was a total dick move on my part. That’s why I’m paying for your burgers.”

AND AND AND! Come on. JUST COME ON. He was in the BEST INTERNET MUSICAL EVER!

“Did you notice that he threw you in the garbage?”

THE MAN IS A NATIONAL TREASURE.

So anyway, NPH did the following ad for the Superbowl:

And WND said NO NO NO! This is EVIL! HE IS MOCKING OUR HERO, LORD, and SAVIOR!

I have nothing against Tim Tebow, but apparently the Christian right has decided he’s their spokesperson? Worrisome. I think you already HAVE a spokesperson. JESUS. My mom told me that and I have to believe her, as she is my mom.

So! By wearing this crap on his face with the dates on it (apparently this is called “eyeblack”, who knew) NPH is “…pushing a gay agenda …and…mocking Christians at the same time.”

OH! Is THAT what he’s doing! Well. Isn’t THAT a whole bunch of things to be doing all at once like that, how very multitasky!

(Also, if you want to see a cross-section of super-awesome humans? Read the comments on the WND post. OH MY OH NO. “REPENT REPENT!” says the very first one. Um. You repent for gaybashing, I’ll repent for whatever it is you’re judging me for, bub.)

Shit. Well, if NPH is too gay for the Superbowl, then so am I. I AM SPARTACUS. I’m totally boycotting it this year.

What’s that? I boycott it every year because I refuse to watch it because it’s sports and I hate sports and this is really not a BOYCOTT, per se, if I’m doing something I would do ANYWAY and just SAYING it’s a political statement?

Well. Aren’t YOU judgey. That’s very rude of you. Huff, huff.

(For the record, guess who can enjoy sports? Gay people. Straight people. People with no legs. People with two heads. People with red hair. People who wear too many gold chains. People who like their pizza with black olives. People with penises. People without penises. People with both penises AND vaginas. Tall people. Short people. Fat people. Skinny people. People who wear sweaters with kittens on the front. People who like dairy. People who are lactose-intolerant. In short: ANYONE AT ALL.)

There’s no gay agenda. Well, no, I take that back. There’s totally a gay agenda. The gays (yes, I’ve talked to all of them) would like the following:

  • to be treated like productive members of society, no matter who they love
  • to be given the same rights as everyone else
  • to not be beaten up for who they love (or called names on the street, or given dirty looks, or be made to feel unsafe in any way)

That’s pretty much it. I don’t know if three bullet points make an “agenda.” I mean, I’m on a board of directors. We have more bullet points than that on our monthly board meeting agendas.

Listen. I don’t care about a lot of things. But if you don’t like NPH, at least a little, I think your heart might be dead. He is just pure joy, this guy. He isn’t furthering ANYTHING. He’s the star of one of the biggest shows on his network. I bet half or more of the people who watch his show don’t even KNOW he’s gay. He doesn’t even play someone gay ON the show. And the photo above is from a promo clip on his network, who would be stupid not to use one of their most recognizable faces for publicity purposes.

That’s it. That’s the agenda. His network wants people to watch the Superbowl; they used one of their resources to get people to do so. I don’t think they were mocking Tebow. Little known fact: people were using that eyeblack shit before Tebow came along. IT IS TRUE.

Dear WND: please to be getting a life. You make me sad and also angry. You are small-minded and hateful people and at some point you have forgotten that we’re all human on this rock in space and there’s no room for that kind of thinking because it’s 2013 and we don’t need to put up with it anymore.

In short, WND, feel most free to bite me. Grow the hell up.

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I’m only about a year behind on my pop culture. That’s good, right?

I have had a billion things to do tonight so now I left this until the last minute because I am an dummy so I won’t be going to bed until really late. I AM NOT THE SMARTEST.

Let’s see. What’s up in Amyville today. Well, I have actually watched TWO SOMEWHAT RECENT MOVIES this week. I know! It’s like I’m an actual functioning member of the human race. Well, they’re not RECENT recent. They’re within the last year or so, I think. More recent than things I usually watch. Or…well, let’s face it, I never watch movies, I don’t have the time. But randomly this week I had time for TWO WHOLE MOVIES ZOMG! I know! And have a third movie for later in the week if I don’t completely run out of time! I know, super-fancy!

FIRST, yesterday I watched Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Which I knew was going to kill me but I didn’t think was going to kill me as MUCH as it was going to kill me. I like to cry. I really, REALLY like to cry. Don’t even get me wrong. And I do it a LOT. I cry over EVERYTHING. Commercials. Stupid television shows. Thinking about things. Emailing people. Movies. Thing is, I don’t do it in front of people. Unless I’m watching something and someone else happens to be in the room or something. Then I try to be really quiet about it. (My dad does the same thing; his excuse is always “allergies ALLERGIES!” and then he’ll run out of the room and get a tissue and come back all “damn seasonal allergies, SO UNTIMELY” and I’ll pretend I believe him. It’s what daughters who love their dads who are also totally emotional do. I mean, it’s not like I got it from the neighbors. It’s a little bit of genetics and a little bit of a learned response. Also, I’m just a huge sap.) I don’t like to cry in front of people. It makes me feel like a weak lady. I AM NOT A WEAK LADY. Call me weak and see what happens when I get all ragey on you. I just…get emotional. About things. About ALL THE THINGS. That’s not TERRIBLE. It’s just Amy. It’s an Amy-thing. (If it makes you feel better, I also cry about HAPPY things. Sheesh.)

Oh, now this is disturbing. And, also me.

Anyway, this movie killed me. It was all the things. It was all the things that get me, rolled up into a movie. 9/11 and a child who loved his dad and a mystery and a quest and New York City and a man with a secret past and a mother who’d do anything for her child. It was a little sappy, maybe. But I wasn’t paying that much attention, because I WAS SOBBING LIKE A LUNATIC. Like, not just crying a little. Nope. No pretty lady-crying happened to me in this movie. Like, major ugly-cry. There were noises and everything. At one point, the cat decided he’d had enough and left. “Momm, you arr being crazey,” Dumbcat said disapprovingly.

(Please cast Tom Hanks as a 9/11 victim, movie, if you want to absolutely GUARANTEE I’m going to be crushed, by the way. Yikes. Also, the kid in this movie was fantastic. I hope he has a nice long career. He was great. Apparently the internet thought this movie was sappy and exploitative. Maybe. I liked it a lot, so I don’t really care what you think, internet.)

So when that was done I’d had a very good cry. A very good cry is EXTREMELY CATHARTIC and makes you feel all clean. I recommend everyone have a good cry every once and a while. It’s like an oil change or something. It’s a human oil-change. Then I slept very very well and woke up totally ready to face the new day, it was great.

Now I am watching (finally, I’ve been wanting to for a while) The Cabin in the Woods. I had no idea this was a whole THING. I thought it was just a stupid horror movie (but probably more awesome, because, well, Joss Whedon, let’s be clear, Joss Whedon makes everything amazing.) But you guys! It is not only a horror movie, it’s actually got a PLOT. And it’s smart and it’s funny and it’s got a lot of Whedonites in it and it’s also got a lot of gore (listen, I’m a sucker for the gore, I admit it) and it’s kept me guessing. And I watch a lot of horror movies, so it’s not easy to surprise me. I should have known Joss Whedon wouldn’t just do a normal horror movie. He’d do it like, well, Joss Whedon. Has Joss Whedon ever let me down? I think not.

Also, I have a weirdo crush on Fran Kranz. It’s his nose, I think. Don’t get me started, I have this weird Roman-nose thing. And this nerdy-boy thing. WE LIKE WHAT WE LIKE, PEOPLE. There’s no accounting for taste.

Tomorrow if I have time I am watching A WHOLE MOVIE ABOUT VIBRATORS. Yup. Which was, in news of ick, highly recommended by my dad. (More so because he likes Maggie Gyllenhaal than anything, I think. I’m going to pretend it’s not for the sex-parts. DAD DOESN’T KNOW ABOUT SEX BECAUSE HE IS DAD AND THEREFORE NO SEX UCK NO NO.) It is called Hysteria. I think it looks kind of awesome. (I like historical things, like how women were treated for lady-problems back in the day by men wielding vibrators, because OF COURSE that fixes everything. Well, kind of probably it made them feel better, but I don’t want some weird clinical doctor diddling around in my lady-business, thanks, ew, yuck.) So that’s tomorrow, if I don’t fall asleep when I get home. It’s a long week.

Oh, also Hugh Dancy? Well, that’s nice. I like that. OK, then.

And THEN, TODAY (it is Thursday, right?) I have a THING happening which is exciting, then the readthrough for The Laramie Project, then MORE WORK ARGH WHAT A WEEK, then Arlo Guthrie yay! Then who knows what the week ahead will hold, really. Life’s just utterly an adventure. SO MUCH HAPPENING. Well, if you consider “an adventure” being “working a whole damn lot, then sleeping so you can do it again.” However, this week’s got less work in it than last week, so every day’s a blessing, I suppose.

OK, this is brief, but I have to get to sleep. Well, I have like three more things to do. THEN I can get to sleep. I always have three more things to do. That’s why I never get enough sleep, to be honest. Those three things to do. DAMN YOU THOSE THREE THINGS TO DO.

Happy Thursday, people. Send those good thoughts, ok? I need ’em this afternoon. OVERWHELM me with them. Send me on my way with so many good thoughts that I can’t even have a single minute of awkwardness or self-doubt. That’d be the best. Thanks so much.


“Truly, I am a marionette and he is a master puppeteer.”

Today we have to discuss something VERY SERIOUS. That affects ALL OF US. Are you ready? Are you ready for something very serious that affects all of us? 

What is it, Amy? What affects all of us? 

Bad porn, is what. 

Listen, I just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey, and people who purchased this and are reading this and are all het up about this, we need to have a discussion about why this is a VERY BIG MISTAKE ON YOUR PART. 

I’m not giving you the Amazon link to this because I DO NOT THINK YOU SHOULD BUY OR READ THIS.

Now, I am not a porn connoisseur. I couldn’t honestly care less about porn. I know it exists. As long as it’s not being waggled in children’s faces or the cause of crime against women or whatever, porn, you keep on keeping on. Everything has its place. Even porn. I’m a firm (heh, firm) believer that everyone has their kink, as as long as no one gets hurt, you do your thing. 

However, there’s PORN, then there’s Fifty Shades of Grey. 

Oh, don’t even get all technical with me and say it’s erotica, or even literotica. What it is, my little cauliflower florets, is one of the worst books I’ve ever read in my entire life. And I have read a LOT of books. A LOT a lot. 

First, can I just explain, please, why I read this book. It was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and I didn’t even read the article and I was like, huh, must be interesting or something, and I put it on reserve at the library. Then I heard it was getting banned all over and I thought, well, NOW we KNOW it must be interesting! If someone tells me I’m not ALLOWED to read something, then I REALLY want to read it. Then people started telling me what it was about, and I thought, huh. Well, who cares, I don’t mind erotica. I read all of those stupid Ann Rice Sleeping Beauty books. Those were pretty steamy. 

Oh, in case you live under a rock or maybe in the outback or something, Fifty Shades of Grey is about two people in a consensual BDSM relationship. Plus some other stuff. We’ll go more into that later. Also, do I have to tell you that a., there are going to be spoilers here, and b., WE’RE TALKING ABOUT SEX STUFF TODAY? So kids, go watch a Disney movie, or something, and people who want to remain unspoiled for the book (I think most anyone who wanted to read it have by now, though) you can go read my archives or something, I suppose. 

See? Nice. Go watch this, kiddos. Don’t keep reading, you’ll get a complex.

Moving on. I was not at all comfortable with the older women in my office who decided to have a conversation about it with me in the lunchroom before I’d even read it, though. I’m not friends with these people. I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH YOU.

OIder lady 1: Amy, you like to read. Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey?
Me: Nope.
Older lady 1: You should. It’s about…(whispers) SEX.
Me: I’ve heard. I have it on reserve at the library. I’ll read it someday.
Older lady 1: All KINDS of sex. KINKY sex.
Me: Mmm-hmm. (Frantically reading book, eating sandwich, trying to look busy so the conversation would stop)
Older lady 1: SO MUCH SEX. I was wondering, where’s the plot? Because there was SO MUCH KINKY SEX. People were TYING PEOPLE UP!
Me: Oh? Huh. (Reading! Eating! READING!)
Older lady 2, walking in: Hey, ladies! What are we talking about?
Older lady 1: Fifty Shades of Grey! It’s a book about ALL THE SEX!
Older lady 2: Oh! Wow! (sits, settles in for a long discussion)
Me: I…um…have to get a thing from the place. (leaves in a hurry) 

(SIDE NOTE: I don’t MIND discussing sex, just not with women old enough to be my mom that I don’t know very well and don’t like all that much. And not in the work lunchroom. That seems unsanitary. That’s where the FOOD is.) 

OK. So. Fifty Shades of Grey. Why’s it so bad, Amy? Is it the sex? No. The sex is fine. Is it the subject matter? Nope, like I said, whatever, there’s a place for porn (or erotica, or literotica, whatever) and great, good, you go, book, you go. 

Here’s the problem. 

IT IS ONE OF THE MOST POORLY-WRITTEN THINGS I HAVE EVER READ. 

Here’s a quick rundown. Anastasia Steele, a very, very clumsy girl about to graduate college, is roped into interviewing Christian Grey, a very rich businessman. They dig each other. They get together. He’s into being a dominant! He wants her to be his submissive! He has ISSUES! In his own words, he is “fifty shades of fucked up!” Plus, his last name is GREY! HENCE THE TITLE YO! 

Will these two crazy kids make it work? Oh, will they? I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT! Oh, wait, yes. Yes, I can. I can wait. I can SO WAIT. I can wait FOREVER. 

I assure you this single photo is a billion times sexier than the entire series. And I didn’t even read books two and three.

So I got the book from the library. I was a little worried it would be sticky. You don’t know what people do with library books that are NORMAL, I don’t want to know what they do with PORN. 

I read about thirty pages and was in tears of laughter about how badly it was written. I scared the cat. I was talking to the damn book. OUT LOUD. 

First, I was only a little way in before I said, “Huh. What’s going on here? Ana seems a lot like Bella from Twilight, with the self-doubt and the clumsiness. Is clumsiness the new black? If so, I am on the CUTTING EDGE OF COOL since I fall down ALL THE DAMN TIME. Where’s my knight in shining armor, I wonder?”

Oh my NOOO! Look at poor clumsy helpless BELLA! (Man, did I hope this truck was going to hit her. It didn’t. I had sadface.)

Then someone on Twitter pointed out that the book started as Twilight fan fiction, and the Twi-hards were all, “Um…naughty! But titillating!” so the author just changed the names and published it. 

Listen, had I known that, I would NOT have read this book. I hate Twilight. HATE. With the fire of a thousand suns HATE. 

Also, it says something that even Stephenie Meyer was all, “Um…yeah. No. No, this isn’t…good for her, but…no.” 

So even though it was the worst book ever, based on one of my least-favorite series ever, I kept reading. Why? To be honest, I wanted to blog about it. It’s the main reason I do anything hilariously awful lately. 

Here are some (and there are many) issues I have with this book. 

Argh 

One of the only times that “argh” is permissible. Plus, it’s Joss, he can do whatever he wants.

At least twice that I counted, in the middle of some very “hot” sex (the sarcastic quotes are because there’s nothing hot about the sex Ana and Christian had, ever, except, I suppose, the temperature when they were having it in a bathtub) Ana made the noise “argh.” Now, I’m pretty sure if you make the noise “argh,” you are a., a pirate, b., tripped over an ottoman, c., foiled again, curses, d. doing the Mutant Enemy Joss Whedon credits and saying “grr, argh.” You’re not in the throes of passion. (She also made the noise “Aaaaah!” and “Aaaaagh.”) An easy fix? “Ana moaned.” See? See how much more sexy that is? NO ONE WOULD SAY ARGH DURING SEX. If I was having sex with a guy and he broke out the “argh” I would laugh so hard one of us would roll off the bed, I’m not even kidding. Oh, you want an example? HAPPY TO OBLIGE. Let’s take this. The Bloggess had her laptop stolen. So she wrote a post entitled Aaaaaaargh. THIS IS AN APPROPRIATE USE OF ARGH. Not during SEX. Not during something you’re ENJOYING. (Well, I guess unless you have a charley horse. Not that this has ever happened to me. OK FINE ONCE IN COLLEGE. And it was the WORST. Talk about something that took me by surprise. GOOD GRAVY.) I don’t take a bite of cereal in the morning and go “ARGH!” unless  the milk’s gone bad. Who does this? The answer is no one. No one does this.

Euphemism 

Oh, I’m pretty sure this was utilized in the writing of this book.

I’m not saying I needed a clinical textbook or anything, but the only body part that was referred to by its proper name (I’m of course referring to our swimsuit area body parts, don’t be ridiculous, of course she said “arms and legs” or whatever) were breasts. Everything else was all “throbbing member” and “the juncture of my thighs” and “the place where he was both velvety and hard, what a titillating combo” and “my warm and wet place.” ZEE OH EMM GEE. Here, look what you can do in print without the world exploding, ready? Penis. Vagina. Clitoris. WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHAT WILL HAPPEN? Nothing, is what. I’m not saying porn would be hotter with “he then inserted his penis into my vagina” – that sounds a little too much like a sexual how-to pamphlet in hell – but it’s amazing to me that you can make it through an entire 514-page book riding on a boat made of euphemism. They’re just words. I mean, you had these people whipping and chaining and such, and you’re quailing at the use of “vagina?” Please. 

Britishisms 

Yep, this about sums it up.

Ana made a big deal about being country mouse and never having left the continental United States. Christian was well-traveled, but grew up and lived (as did Ana) in Seattle. However, for some reason, the two of them said things – constantly – like “have a tidy-up” and “well-remembered, you” and “well played.” Hmm. Why would Seattle denizens speak thus? OH. BECAUSE THE AUTHOR IS BRITISH. I really got the feeling the closest she’d ever been to MERKA was to watch a couple episodes of Dallas one time. If that. Maybe.

GIGANTIC THESAURUS WORDS 

No one thought: they pondered. No one was interested: they were titillated. No one was wordy: they were verbose. No one was moody: they were sullen. This woman never met a three-dollar word she didn’t just love, she rode until it was all up in a lather and then she, for good measure, beat it into the ground while cackling like a crazy. Oh, sorry, like a banshee. Or an utter lunatic. Or an institutionalized harpy. I KNOW BIG WORDS TOO. And I know there’s a time to use them. It’s not always in your bad porn. We still know it’s bad porn, lady. 

“inner goddess”/inner monologue 

Mine likes to wear pajamas and loaf. A lot of loafing.

Listen, Ana was annoying. The MOST annoying. The whole book, unfortunately, was from her point of view. We constantly had to listen to her inner monologue. And at least once on a page, you had to hear what her “inner goddess” was thinking. “My inner goddess was doing cartwheels.” “My inner goddess was hiding behind the couch.” “My inner goddess was doing a sultry samba.” WHO TALKS LIKE THIS. I don’t have an inner goddess. If I did, you’d get “Amy’s inner goddess is eating Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food out of the container on a couch covered in cat hair while watching Celebrity Rehab.” 

I think everyone was schizophrenic 

Yes, I realize Jack wasn’t a schizophrenic in this movie, but I love this picture so much. Let me have it. I just read a really awful book for you. Thanks.

I know. People are unpredictable and wild! That’s nice. It is. Thing is? People aren’t. Not really. Sure, people do things that are out of character. But these things usually point toward something being wrong with them. How many times has a friend of yours done something weird, and you’ve said to a mutual friend, “That’s unlike Frank/Francine. I hope everything’s ok with him/her.” Probably you have. I know I have. People are, for the most part, a predictable species. NOT IN THIS BOOK BUCKAROO. People say one thing and do another! People say they want to be beaten with a belt, then get mad at their boyfriend for actually going through with it! People say they don’t want a relationship and then two pages later say, “All I can think about is being in a relationship with you because I love you now!” I can’t take anything seriously when it’s this all over the board, I really can’t. 

Stilted writing of unnecessary scenes 

Pretty sure we’d find this in the author’s house. Only with glitter stickers on it. Of hearts and shit.

There were page-long descriptions of “I decided I might be hungry. But what might I be hungry for? Maybe an omelette. I don’t know. Was I in the mood for an omelette? My inner goddess wanted some fruit. I decided to make some pancakes. I didn’t know where the bowls were. I looked in the cabinets. I found the bowls. I put the bowls on the counter.” ZOMG IF I WANTED A BLOW-BY-BLOW I’D VIDEOTAPE ME MAKING DINNER. I don’t care. I don’t CARE! There’s an old rule of thumb – if it doesn’t further the story, you don’t need it. Apparently, E. L. James was too busy masturbating to thoughts of Edward Cullen to read any “how to write something that doesn’t suck” manuals. Sorry. Was that totally the grossest and all the TMI? Wait until I get to my next section. 

The sex isn’t at all sexy 

I’m fairly sure this isn’t the face I was supposed to be making when reading the sex scenes. Yet it was pretty much my reaction.

There’s a lot of sex. Don’t get me wrong. A LOT OF IT. Like, every few pages, someone’s getting a throbbing member thrust into a wet and warm place. But it’s not sexy. From the time Ana loses her virginity (the pain of which? “a slight pinch” – um, ok, good for you, darling, not how I remember it, but fine) to the most DISTURBING TAMPON SCENE YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE (I’m not even going to go into it, but watch this totally amusing fake YouTube book trailer if you want a hint, a gross, gross hint) to the BDSM scenes, which I suppose would be sexy, if I didn’t hate both Ana and Christian so much I wanted him to accidentally choke her out, have to bury her in the backyard, and then get caught and locked up for life, you get all the non-sexy sex you could desire. With a lot of “my inner goddess swooned” interspersed. Oh, and she never has an orgasm. Instead, she “shatters into a million pieces and slowly puts herself back together.” EVERY DAMN TIME. That’s another word the author is afraid of. Orgasm. ORGASM IS A DIRTY WORD YOU GUYS. Nipple clamps and fisting are on the table (heh, on the table) but not orgasm. (I just checked, and yes, she does say it once and a while. I apologize. Not OFTEN, but apparently it’s not the naughty word that penis is. My fault. So sorry.) 

Also, there was a lot of “he pulled at my nipples until they elongated.” As in, more than once. In multiple sex scenes. Um. OUCH OUCH OUCH. THAT’S NOT WHAT THEY’RE FOR. They are not Silly Putty. You cannot transfer the comics onto them. THERE ARE NERVE ENDINGS IN THERE. 

I wanted to punch every single character in the neck three times a page 

Ana was a useless waste of space who went into the relationship expecting this guy to change even though he told her exactly what he was looking for (granted, he acted like a schizophrenic with the changing of his mind, so maybe that’s why she was fooled.) She also fell down a lot and ran into things and almost got hit by a bike. Christian was a control freak who was sexually abused as a teenager and most likely abused as a child (that was hinted at but not explained. YET.) Ana’s mom talked like a pre-teen. Ana’s friends were either controlling bitches or would-be rapists. And that’s pretty much everyone in the entire book. There’s no one to root for. NO ONE. 

No one talks like this, NO ONE 

…and here’s another reference book she used. Used WRONG.

People say things like “WHOO all this UST in the room!” and then I have to look up what “UST” is and it’s unresolved sexual tension. WHO THE HELL TALKS LIKE THIS NO ONE NO ONE. Or, how about Christian’s brother’s term of endearment and goodbye to his girlfriend, which Ana and Christian adopt as their own: “Laters, baby.” LATERS, BABY? Oh, no. Oh, my, no. Also, there’s a lot of “I bit my lip” and then Christian goes BATSHIT CRAZY all “Don’t DO that, you KNOW how that affects me, I WANT TO BE THE ONE BITING YOUR LIP.” What the actual hell? And the title? The title of this post? Direct quote from the book. THAT IS SOMETHING ANA SAYS TO HERSELF DURING SEX. You know, because when you’re in the middle of all the sex, you think of a sentence as clunky as that. Or, OR, when Ana and her overbearing roommate and BFF (why? who knows, Ana’s a douchenozzle) were talking about how Ana lost her flower to Christian: “Kate looks wistful. ‘Yeah, took almost a year to have my first orgasm through penetrative sex, and here you are…first time?’”If my BFF said “penetrative sex” to me, I think I would throw something at him, possibly the television remote, and then laugh until I had a choking fit. Who says “penetrative sex” in a casual conversation? That’s the kind of thing someone says in a safe-sex talk at the local Planned Parenthood, or something. Not two BFFs sitting around shooting the shit. I feel like this author was raised by wolves. Wolves with nothing to read but thesauruses. 

THERE ARE TWO MORE OF THESE 

Why. Why. WHY.

The book ended on a CLIFFHANGER ZOMG (let’s be honest, I didn’t give a shit) and there are TWO MORE OF THEM. Fifty Shades of Greyer and Fifty Shades of Suck My Soul Out Through my Nose if I Have To Read Any More of This Shit. NO THOSE AREN’T THE REAL TITLES. Am I going to read them? No. No I’m not. Life’s too short. I assume, with no prior knowledge, that most likely Ana and Christian end up happily ever after, with her accepting his lifestyle as her own, with some modifications, or something like that. It’s not like this woman can write or come up with anything original. OOH! Maybe someone has a magic sparkle baby like in Twilight! That’d make me want to read more!* (*no it wouldn’t) 

Now, listen. I’m not completely against this book, for two reasons. Two. And only two. And to show you that I can be UNBIASED, I will share them with you. 

The power of viral marketing 

This woman published these with a tiny e-pub house in Australia, and with the power of viral marketing and word-of-mouth, they’re topping the bestseller lists. That makes me want to vomit until I’m sore, but that’s not the point. The point is, whoever’s marketing her books is doing one hell of a job. Or just people talking did this, I don’t know. Whoever it is, or a combination of both? Kudos. These terribly written pieces of trash are the it thing. Undeservedly so, but they are. And that’s impressive. Now let’s use our powers for good and get some GOOD books on the bestseller list, what do you say? 

Getting women to talk about sex more openly 

I know I was all ew ew ew earlier about the ladies in my lunchroom (and I’m still ew ew ew, that hasn’t changed) but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with women feeling like they can openly discuss sex. If this terrible book makes them feel like they can do that? Well, fine, then it has served one purpose, and now we can use it to prop up the short leg on the coffee table. Seriously, sex isn’t dirty. There’s a time and a place for it (and if you’re a stranger and you think we’re going to talk about it on Twitter, hit the road, I’M TALKING TO YOU DING DONG JOE) but sure, it’s not something women should be ashamed of talking about. Men talk about it all the time. Women should feel free to do so, as well. So, yeah. Just – there are better books, sexier books, that you can read. You know that, right? OK, good. Just checking. Go read those. Because I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to slip into a sexy frame of mind when the writing is so bad in a book it makes me laugh until I’m crying, you know? 

Goodreads really needs an option for .00001 stars, because giving this one star really didn’t give me the satisfaction I wanted. 

For additional awesome, please to visit this Tumblr, which has provided me with hours of entertainment.  

My inner goddess is hungry now and I think I need a sandwich or maybe some wasabi peas. Laters, baby.


In a WORLD…where a person DOES NOT LIKE GOING TO THE MOVIES…

I don’t go to the movies. No, seriously. I really don’t. I used to, in college. We used to go to the movies probably once or twice a week. We’d get to the point where we’d seen everything that was playing and knew what would be released on Fridays and we’d make plans for midnight showings and such. Sometimes we were poor so we’d totally sneak into MULTIPLE movies like BADGUYS. I know. Rude. Totally the rudest. Now I go to maybe one movie a year. Possibly two, but only in extreme circumstances, like potentially at gunpoint. 

Mostly that’s because I’m poor, and it seems like a colossal waste of money. If I’m patient, I can wait and see the movie for free in my own living room, and in my living room, I don’t have to deal with talky-talk fellow patrons, or people kicking my chair or texting with their super-bright phone in the dark, and I can also pause it if I need to pee, and I don’t need to sneak in snacks because the snack bar (aka “my kitchen”) is in sight of my television. Because my place is very, very small. 

For example: a couple weekends ago, I watched Super 8, which is about a year old at this point. When it came out, everyone was all ZOMG AMY! You have to see this! It is amazing! You loved Lost and this is a JJ Abrams movie! Also, aliens! SO EFFING GOOD! And yeah, I did want to see it, but again, poor, and I knew that if I was patient and avoided spoilers, I could watch it when it came out on DVD. (Oh, I get to see them for free because I get them from the library rather than from the video store. Because I’m super-cheap and I love the library. It’s a whole thing.) Oh, and a note on spoilers – if you wait to watch a movie a year after it comes out, and you’re close-to-middle-aged, you’ve forgotten most of the spoilers, so that’s the one time your not-so-shiny-and-new brain totally comes in handy for you. 

So I watched Super 8 in my living room with my cat and here are my thoughts: meh. I mean, whatever, it wasn’t terrible, the acting was fine, but the plot seemed like something I’d seen a million times before and also it was a dark movie. Not dark in the “SO TWISTED!” way, but dark in the “why’s this taking place in a basement with a broken overhead fixture?” way. I hate those movies. I can’t see what’s going on. I might as well have my TV off and be listening to a book on tape for as much good as it’s doing me, to be honest, because I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING. And it’s frustrating, because you know you SHOULD be able to see what’s happening on the screen, but IT’S TOO EFFING DARK.

Think how angry I’d have been if I’d paid movie-theater prices to see that! It’s a good thing it was free. 

There are a lot of movies that have either recently come out this year or are going to come out this year that people are very, very excited about. I feel like an archaeologist or maybe an alien when people talk about movies, because I just don’t get excited about them the way most people do, so it’s like I’m observing you all like I’m a new visitor to your planet. 

So let’s discuss the movies everyone’s talking about, most of which I have very little prior knowledge about, and see if any of them might get me out of my house to see a movie this year. YES, I actually did see one movie this year: a friend came to visit and we went to see a movie I’ve already forgotten the name of but it had Adam Scott in it and he was adorable. (FINE, I looked it up. It was Friends with Kids. It was good, I liked it just fine.) 

Movies that have already come out and I think have left the theaters so I guess I’ll have to see them on DVD 

The Avengers 

Shut up, I have a thing for handsome cocky men who are also damaged.

Yes, I know. I’m the only person in the world who hasn’t seen this. (I also never saw Avatar because it didn’t seem up my alley at all, and also haven’t seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies. You can mock, I don’t care.) I think I’d like this. I like superhero shit. And I sure do enjoy Robert Downey Jr. in just about anything, but as Tony Stark? Well, yes, please. And, Joss Whedon directed it, so that’s a total win for me. But seeing it in the movie theater just didn’t happen, and I suppose I’ll watch it on DVD eventually.  

The Hunger Games 

I know, I’m probably a bad book nerd that I really liked these novels, but I did. So I was really excited about the movie. Then I kind of forgot about it once it was released. Most of the people I knew that watched it really liked it, if I remember correctly. I’m already on the waiting list at the library, if that counts. I was going to go but I was going to wait a few weeks so the squealing tweens didn’t injure my eardrums with their squealery and then I got busy with something. Probably blogging. 

Jeff Who Lives at Home 

I saw a trailer for this before the ONE movie I saw this year and it looked fun and touching and good and indie, which I love, but then I forgot to go and see it once it came out. I really don’t even care about such things. I think my excitement meter for movies is broken, I really do. Do you think I used it all up in college because I saw too many of them? Anyway, when I was looking up what movies I should be excited about to write this, I saw this title and I was all, oh, man, I wanted to see that. Have it on reserve at the library now. Who knows when I’ll get it, not me. 

A movie that is apparently out now but I haven’t seen any commercials, what the hell? 

Moonrise Kingdom

   

 

The interwebs says this came out in May. That can’t be right, can it? I haven’t seen any commercials or anything and Wes Anderson’s kind of a big deal. I mean, I know I’m not in the loop but I usually see something on Twitter when people start going to the movies. Anyway, I totally want to see this, because The Royal Tenenbaums is one of my top movies of all time and makes me cry and laugh and then cry some more. I think Wes Anderson has an amazing eye for taking the mundane and elevating it into spectacular beauty. But will I see it in the movie theater? No, probably not. Mostly because I don’t know that it’s even out, or if it is, why’s everyone being all secretive-like about it? Is this movie in the witness protection program? 

Movies that are supposedly gigantic summer blockbusters that everyone’s all “ooh ooh ooh” about 

Prometheus  

Seriously, EVERYONE is so excited about this, just everyone. And I thought it was probably about THE Prometheus, and I was like, huh, there’s a movie about a Greek myth? Whatever, don’t care. Then I found out it was a Ridley Scott movie and it’s got something to do with Alien. Well, listen, I don’t HATE Alien, but I don’t care about it. It was an interesting movie. But I didn’t see any of the sequels and didn’t care that I didn’t. And I’m not much of a sci-fi person. I didn’t even care enough to look more into this to see what it might be about. I heard “Ridley Scott” and Alien and I was like, nah, not for me. Sorry, you can have my geek card back if you want it. 

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter 

I know, you’d think I’d be all stoked about this, with my love of the supernatural and also history, so it’s like it totally pertains to my interests, but I saw a trailer recently, and it was so blah. And I think the book is a very stupid idea. I think it seems way too – I don’t know, jokey? I didn’t read it. Maybe it’s awesome. I just don’t care. I think it seems ill-advised. I have no interest in this at all. 

Brave   

 

YES. Now, listen. If there’s a single movie that gets me out of my home this summer, it’s going to be this one. It’s Pixar; it’s got a firey little redheaded heroine; it’s set in Scotland; and it looks AMAZING. The animation is gorgeous, the story sounds empowering, and I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anything Pixar has done and not finished it thinking the world is really an amazing and beautiful place. I watch a Pixar film and I’m 6 years old watching my first real movie all over again. Pixar films fill the world with possibility for me. I’m very, very excited about this one. 

The Dark Knight Rises 

Am I the only one who doesn’t think Christian Bale is a very good Batman? I think Christopher Nolan is a very good director – he creates visually stunning work – but I find Christian Bale so off-putting that I have a serious problem paying attention. That raspy whisper is very annoying. Plus I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch Bale in anything again without hearing, in the back of my mind, that whole rant he did that time that got recorded and put all over the internet. I watched a couple of these movies. Were there more than two? I think I saw two. I saw the first one, and then the Heath Ledger one, which I liked for Heath Ledger. Or was that just the one? They really didn’t make much of an impression. In other words: no. No, I don’t think I’ll be going to see this. No interest at all. 

Movies that are coming out around Christmas because I think the movie people think I have nothing better to do with my time around the holidays than to watch movies 

The Great Gatsby   

 

Now, listen. I think that Baz Luhrmann is brilliant. I will admit I didn’t see that Australia nonsense he did because everyone said it was terrible but also I’d forgotten all about it and will reserve it from the library now because I like what he does with a movie. His mind amazes me. He makes things beautiful. And I love, love, LOVE Gatsby. That being said, I’m a little worried about this. Yes, everything I’ve seen makes it look like it’ll be beautiful. But I hate Leonardo DiCaprio. SO MUCH YOU GUYS. I think he’s terrible; I don’t think he can act; and I think he always looks constipated. I don’t know if I can watch a whole movie with DiCaprio playing Gatsby with his constipated little monkey-face, I just don’t know if I have it in me. Because I love Gatsby. And, from the time I went to see Love in the Time of Cholera and almost was escorted out from the loud scoffing I kept doing because they sucked every bit of magic out of the book when they translated it to the screen, I’m not well-behaved when someone shits all over my favorite books in a movie theater. So I’m torn on this one. 

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey  

I know. I KNOW. You’re all SO EXCITED. I haven’t seen the other movies and I can’t see myself seeing this one, either, even though it’s got Martin Freeman in it and I love him just about as much as pudding or mushrooms. Also, it’s TWO movies. Good grief, I don’t even go out and see ONE, you want me to commit to TWO? 

Django Unchained   

 

GOOD GRACIOUS YES. Everything about this is exciting, everything. Quentin Tarentino; blaxploitation meets spaghetti western; QUENTIN TARENTINO. I’m so excited about this one I’m bouncing a little, no joke. (I’m just going to ignore the fact that effing constipated DiCaprio is in this, too.) I think I can convince my dad to see this one with me over the holidays. He likes violent movies and usually we end up having to see something I hate like one of those terrible Bourne movies. The last time we did that I slept through the whole thing. I’m not even kidding. I slept for the entire two hours. I hate the Bourne movies. We used to have to see James Bond movies, but since his feud with Daniel Craig the James Bond franchise is dead to him DEAD TO HIM I SAID. (Oh, you want to know why my dad is feuding with Daniel Craig? Because once, Daniel Craig said in an interview he was anti-gun. He thought all guns should be outlawed. My father, therefore, refuses to watch anything with Daniel Craig in it, and if Daniel Craig comes on the television, he yells “dirty HIPPIE!” at it and changes the channel.) 

Les Miserables   

I’d put the poster in but it’s BORING. These stills are better.

I don’t even know if I can express how excited about this I am. LES MIS YOU GUYS. With good actors! And SINGING! I was a little worried about the Taylor Swift as Eponine situation – can the girl act? She’s got a pretty enough voice, but Eponine needs to be good, or else that whole plotline falls flat, and also, I can’t help but imagine in my head Kanye West popping into the scene when she’s belting out “On My Own” and saying “No, no, listen, Eponine, I’m happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but I just wanna say that Cats is the best musical and should’ve been made into a movie instead of Les Mis” and then giggling to myself – but then read that was just a rumor and it’s some chick I’ve never heard who apparently won some sort of British talent show at some point of playing Eponine, so no more worries Taylor Swift worries, but a whole new set of worries, I guess, as I LOVE Eponine. But HOLY HELL you guys, did you SEE Anne Hathaway as Fantine? I knew the girl could sing but this is SO EXCITING. And if he can sing, Russell Crowe will make an amazing Javert. And ZOMG Hugh JACKMAN! As Valjean! And Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen as the Thenardiers! THIS IS SO EXCITING I CAN’T EVEN. I’m going to try to convince my mom to see this with me over the holidays. She likes musicals and has never seen Les Mis. 

A movie with no release date as of yet and I’m pretty stoked, I’m not going to lie 

Much Ado About Nothing

SHAKESPEARE DIRECTED BY JOSS WHEDON. Starring Amy Acker, Alexis Denisof, Captain Tightpants, Sean Maher, Tom Lenk – I mean, come on. COME RIGHT ON. For a Whedon geek and a theater geek and a Shakespeare geek, this is so exciting I can’t even stand it. Will I see this in the theater? Yes. Will I immediately purchase the DVD once it’s released so I can own it and watch it a number of times my own self? Again, yes. Yes, I will do that. 

So, what have we decided? I guess the possibilities are Brave, Gatsby, Django Unchained, Les Mis, and Much Ado. And as much as I SAY I want to see them in the theater, you know I’ll probably forget all about them until they’ve been out on DVD for a month or something and then be like, “ooh, I wanted to see that,” right? 

Broken. Just don’t care about movies. I’m every studio’s worst nightmare, sincerely. They’d go under if the whole world were people like me. SORRY STUDIOS.


Everyone’s a hero in their own way – you, and you, and mostly me, and you.

I’m HOME!!!!

Listen, I decided yesterday I might be the worst bon vivant, because I almost wept when I opened my door, I was so glad to be home. I mean, sure, it was nice to be on vacation, but it was even NICER to be in my own home, with my things all where I wanted them, and Dumbcat, and my television and my bed. OH MY BED. Listen, I slept like a dead person last night. Eight straight hours. Didn’t even wake once. Only woke up when I did because I had to go to the bathroom. I didn’t sleep that much when I was on vacation even once. I was working with a sleep deficit, I think. I made up for it admirably.

OK, so yesterday was THE LONGEST DAY EVER ZOMG.

This bears little on our tale, but the night before, we went to a restaurant that was a ROADHOUSE and you could throw peanut shells on the floor. This made Dad happy because he likes to make a mess so he threw SO MANY PEANUT SHELLS ON THE FLOOR. Also, the food was good and my margarita was huge and frosty and I got a dessert in a little tiny bucket that I got to keep and bring home. It was kind of adorable. So if you go somewhere that they have such things, go to Logan’s Roadhouse (caution, that website makes a shit-ton of noise when you click on it.) They let you make a mess! On purpose!

Make a mess! It is OK! I told Dad he should start doing this at home, Mom wouldn’t mind. He gave me a dirty look.

First, we stayed in a hotel. The hotel was not conducive to getting a good night’s sleep. It was the loudest hotel in the history of loud hotels. There was an air conditioner that sounded like a jet engine taking off; there were walls that were as thin as paper so you could hear everything the neighbors were doing (and apparently the neighbor on one side of us had some sort of sneezing sickness because he SNEEZED EVERY FIVE SECONDS); and the bathroom had this toilet that flushed with the pressure of like an industrial suction machine or something and you could hear it a kajillion miles away. So I put on my MP3 player but I can’t sleep if I hear music. I mean, it cut out the sound of neighbors, but it still made me hear music. So I tossed and turned and grumped and grumped for the entire night. Not fun times. Amy with not enough sleep = bad news.

After a very bad experience with the hotel wafflemaker (I LOSE AT HOTEL WAFFLEMAKING! I did NOT put in enough batter and it was all lopsided and very, very sad) it was time to go to the airport. Dad was driving back home yesterday, and was torn between getting an early start or driving me to the airport, then turning around and backtracking and getting on the road. There was a free shuttle that would bring me to the airport, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted me to take it because he kept saying, “If I put you on the free shuttle, you’ll think I don’t love you.” I EXPLAINED that I would think NO SUCH THING, but he was all, “NO NO NO” so when he was busy elsewhere I signed myself up for the free shuttle and took the decision out of his hands.

The free shuttle was kind of harrowing because the man driving it seemed to think he was a cast member of The Dukes of Hazzard. There were a lot of quick stops and turns where I swear we were up on two wheels and lots of honking. I’m pretty sure none of us were in THAT much of a hurry to get to the airport, and also that we would like to be alive to get on our plane. I did a lot of grabbing at the seat and thinking, “Holy hell, I think we’re going to die right now, this is NOT how I planned on going out.”

Airport shuttle or the General Lee? YOU DECIDE.

Once we got to the airport, I realized that I was much, much too early to check in for my flight, so I had to sit and wait and wait and wait. I had a book, though. That was good. Listen, if you ever go on vacation, I recommend taking a G. R. R. Martin novel, because you will have PLENTY to read wherever you find yourself. Although, listen, people who have read the Song of Ice and Fire series, did A Feast for Crows lag a little for you? I’m not saying I don’t like it. I do. It’s fine. But I have a couple of problems. The fact that it’s missing a couple of my favorite characters, for one. The fact that it’s introducing new characters that I’m a wee bit bored by, for two. And it’s very heavy on the – um, what’s it called. Heraldry? There’s a lot of “this house’s sign is three ravens holding hearts in their mouths on a field of blue” that goes on for PAGES and listen, I’m sure if I were a child of Westeros that would be important for me to know? But mostly I want to get to the ACTION. Even the chapters with my people, which I have to wade through boring stuff to get to, seem a little pale. It’s fine, I’m not saying I want to stop reading the series or anything, of course I don’t. But it’s not as good as the three books leading up to it have been, that’s all. Who’s read the next book in the series? Does it get back on track?

I am kind of BORED, Martin. Grump. Grump.

Anyway, that was a huge tangent. OH! ALSO! Is the HBO series taking on a life if its own or what? I guess it’s following the True Blood model of “meh, start with the source material and then just go all willy-nilly wherever you want?” The end of last night’s episode, I was all, “WHAT THE EFF? This is a new development.”

Oh, ok, back to it. So I waited and waited and finally they opened the gate and I was the sixth person in line and the line was moving slow like molasses and some woman was all, “If you’re not checking anything, you can express check in over here” so I left the line and went over there only to find out that NO YOU COULD NOT, not unless you’d web-checked-in the night before. MISLEADING. Don’t make lying announcements, airline lady. So then I had to get to the BACK of the line because I don’t cut lines, that’s an asshole thing to do. So then there were a MILLION people in front of me, give or take a million.

Then it was time to go through security again. I totally had liquids in my bag that I didn’t bother to put in a quart baggie and declare. I know. I’m a total terrorist. I had three bottles of nailpolish. I could bring down a whole PLANE with those. I was very tired and was all, “Let’s see if they make me throw them away. Probably they won’t.” Now, everyone at security was totally cranky, until they saw my Dr. Horrible t-shirt. Then they were MY BEST FRIENDS. I’m not even kidding, apparently everyone at that airport was a closet geek. I got a “look at that t-shirt” and a “hey, Chuck, check out her t-shirt” and a “yay, Dr. Horrible!” and one woman just waved me to the front of a line after telling me “cool shirt!” This seems to be how you can charm airport security, for future reference, people.

This is the exact t-shirt that did the charming. Is it not the cutest? Yes. Yes, it is. It was a limited run and is sold out now. Sorry, geeks.

Also, I totally saw some racial profiling going on while I was there. It made my heart hurt. You don’t need to give attitude to an adorable bubbly two-year-old just because her mom is wearing a hijab. I was behind that family in line for a long time and they were SO NICE. If they were terrorists, they were hiding it REALLY WELL. Anyway, no one called me out on my nailpolish (that’s worrisome, how is that not picked up on the scanner? Or is it and they don’t care?), but the man in front of me got in trouble for not taking off his belt. In security’s defense, he was a total douchecanoe about it. There were about fourteen “take off your belt” signs and he was all, “NO ONE TOLD ME I HAD TO TAKE OFF MY BELT! WHY DO I HAVE TO IT’S NOT DANGEROUS.” You’re an ass, take off your damn belt. As we learned at the Marine Center, THAT’S THE RULE.

Then, more waiting, more waiting! The plane was also about half an hour late, even though the board kept saying “on time.” Half an hour late is not “on time.” I saw my cousins again. They were all sunburny. I know people are going to be curious why I am not sunburny. The answer is: I stayed inside as much as I could for my Florida vacation, and when I went out, I slathered on the sunscreen. I am a vampire. I did get one burn, so one arm has a weird farmer’s tan right now that is super-unpretty. It’s the only thing I have that proves I was in Florida. Well, and those creepy wax monkeys. And a bag of seashells.

Then it was time to board the plane. There was a row with no one in it and a stewardess standing in it. (Are they stewardesses anymore? I feel like that’s not PC. What are they now? Oh, Google says they’re flight attendants. Why am I stuck in the 60s? Sorry, lady.) She said if I sat there, I had to be prepared to HELP IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY. “Are you prepared to help in case of an emergency?” she asked. I very seriously told her, “I think I would win at that. I’m very good at helping. And emergencies.” She looked at me like I was a crazy person, sighed, and told me I could sit there. It was awesome, with lots of leg room, but no tray table. A weird hipster girl sat next to me and she was wearing a fedora. I didn’t like that much. But she was quiet, so who cares.

I just did some research and this is a coveted place to sit, apparently. I WIN!

We totally had to have special emergency training for our special job, which was “in case of emergency, look out your window. If the plane is not underwater, open the door that is also your window and usher people out. You go out last.” So in other words, in case of emergency, I was like a hall monitor, and also I would probably die because I had to wait until everyone was out to leave. Also, I had to read the emergency materials in the back pocket of the seat. The thing that cracked me up was that it gave you pictorial instructions on how to save all the lives, and one of the things it told you NOT to do was, once you opened the window-door, not to stop to have a cigarette while you were out there. You know. As you do. You’re all, “THE PLANE’S ON FIRE! I have OPENED THE WINDOW-DOOR! Everyone, out this way! Just a sec, I’m totally having a nicotine fit, I’ll help you through that window-door in a sec, Granny McGurk.” FINE. I was totally prepared for this imaginary emergency.

Except I was very tired so I fell asleep about ten minutes into the flight and slept until about half an hour before we landed. So if there was an emergency, I probably wouldn’t have been much good. I’m pretty groggy once I wake up. Also, I’m pretty sure I was so tired I was snoring. Whenever I woke up, the hipster chick was watching me like I’d gone bonkers. When I’m really tired, HIPSTER CHICK, I snore like a CHAINSAW. I am SORRY I interrupted you reading your INDIE POETRY MAGAZINE while you listen to BON IVER.

SO COOOOOL.

Then we landed and I drove home while listening to loud music and eating all the wasabi peas and when I got home, Dumbcat was meowing and meowing because he apparently thought I was dead, and has not stopped yet. It’s been about 14 hours. Still hasn’t stopped. Well, he might have stopped when I slept, I don’t know. I slept like a dead person, as mentioned. I woke up and he was under my covers, all snuggled up to me like a hot water bottle of a cat. He is SO HAPPY I’m not dead. Poor dumb boy. I feel bad he thought I was dead.

Now I’m home. In the time I’ve been home, I slept, put away my vacation things, and purchased enough theater and concert tickets to keep the local economy going for a good long while. No, seriously, I have the most shows and events planned for the next month, it’s insane. Ready? Ready?

This month, I’m seeing The Farnsworth Invention, The Real Thing, Hair, Hairspray, and God of Carnage (those are all the live theater shows); running auditions for Twelfth Night; ushering for The Farnsworth Invention; seeing Ingrid Michaelson in a sold-out show at one of my favorite venues; as well as various things like rehearsals and board meetings and such. And seeing two of my favorite people on Saturday who are coming in from out of town to see a show with me. Oh, and working, can’t forget that, blech. I ALSO got tickets for Conor Oberst in July and – AND!!! – sixth row aisle for my favorite concert ever, which I’ve seen three times before and this will be the fourth – ARLO GUTHRIE IN NOVEMBER! I could not be more excited about that one. I got the announcement he was coming and screamed a little while I was on vacation and Dad was all “You really need to stop blowing out my eardrums like that, you are SO LOUD” but it’s Arlo! Right before THANKSGIVING! (Dad hates Arlo. Who can guess why? That’s right. He’s a dirty hippie.)

I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU AGAIN ARLO!!!

OK. This is long enough, and I have a million things to do before auditions tonight. SO HAPPY TO BE HOME. Bon vivantery has its place, but I’m happy to be back. Thank you all for coming on vacation with me! Back to the grind tomorrow. Happy Monday, all! Hope your day is full of unicorn rainbow kittens!


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