Category Archives: Game of Thrones

Mistakes were made. MISTAKES WERE MADE I SAID.

I’m a little out of the loop, so wasn’t aware it was Emmy Nominations day on Thursday. Luckily, I have my musical muse and all-around amazing friend sj to inform me of such things. 

So I scuttled my butt-le over to the Emmy website to check out the damage. Now, everything I do, as mentioned yesterday, is most likely being observed by our office Big Brother now. I like to imagine our IT department as the banker in that Deal or No Deal show, all hanging out in a glass room overlooking the office, watching us and being disgusted.

I’m watching you, Amy.

In actuality they’re just a couple of guys, one in a cubicle around the corner from me, one in an office. The disgust is real, though. I didn’t make that shit up. So, anyway, IT knows that I spent a majority of today dissecting the Emmy nominations. Maybe I can tell them it’s work-related. I needed to know it…for…tax-purposes. One of our clients…is…um…an Emmy bookie? YES YES THAT’S IT. 

Also, my office just blocked Twitter. Took ‘em less than 24 hours. Saw that one coming a mile off. Haven’t blocked Hootsuite yet, but I’m sure it’ll just be a matter of days before they figure that shit out. In case you’re wondering why I’m not responding your tweets in a timely fashion? That’s be the reason. Because of spying fascists.

I’m pretty out of the loop of awards shows lately. I didn’t even watch the Oscars this year. I didn’t care. I had them on in the background, if I remember correctly, while I did other shit. I didn’t even pay attention. I hadn’t seen any of the movies so it didn’t matter to me. I have the Tonys recorded, but haven’t seen them yet. The Emmys, though. I like to watch them, because I WATCH television, you know? I feel like I have a stake in what’s going on. (Same thing with the Golden Globes, only with additional fun in that there’s an open bar at the Golden Globes. Those people are usually TOASTED.) 

Even the host drinks at the Golden Globes! Huzzah!

So, let’s talk about the Emmys! One of the only two awards shows in which I kind of sort of know what’s going on, because at least half of the shows nominated (or which failed to be nominated) I watch. Or at least have recorded and plan to watch, sometime in the near future. 

I had no idea that there were so MANY awards. The PDF of awards is like eleventy-billion pages long. We’re not going to go into the little detailed awards way down the page. We’re going to stick with the main awards. Otherwise this would be longer than normal, and also I have the attention span of a crack-addicted titmouse. 

Gimme ma crack, yo!

Outstanding Comedy Series. Big Bang Theory, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Girls, Modern Family, 30 Rock, Veep. OK, well, to be honest, I only watch two of these, and only one regularly (30 Rock regularly – it’s not that funny anymore – and Modern Family when I can catch it, again, not as funny as it used to be) so I’m not the MOST educated about this. Smart people I know love Girls, so I’ll take their word for that. Here’s the thing. There are shows missing from this list. There are two shows on television that make me laugh until I snort on a weekly basis. Parks and Recreation and Community. Granted, Community wasn’t as good this season, but it’s still far better than most things on television. And Parks and Recreation – are maybe the Emmy voters not WATCHING the show? It’s the only thing I can fathom. I know. I laugh a lot. I love to laugh! I laugh at things that AREN’T funny, just to get some laughs in every day. It’s something I do. But if a show can make me laugh, can make me honestly laugh, to the point of tears – that’s outstanding, isn’t it? (Also, Cougar Town is really funny. The writing is wonderful on that show. Why do the shows I love get ignored?) Also, in news of the whaaa, I didn’t know Curb Your Enthusiasm was still on television at all. 

Come on, just for the 8-bit video game episode alone? This is embarrassing, Emmy voters. EMBARRASSING.

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. A million people were nominated here. OK, fine, seven. Seven women. Lena Dunham for Girls; Melissa McCarthy for Mike & Molly; Zooey Deschanel for New Girl; Edie Falco for Nurse Jackie; Amy Poehler for Parks and Recreation; Tina Fey for 30 Rock and Julia Louis-Dreyfus for Veep. I feel like Melissa McCarthy keeps getting nominated for Bridesmaids because Mike & Molly isn’t all that funny. Melissa McCarthy is awesome; that show is ok, but she deserves better. I don’t hate New Girl as much as most people do, but it’s not Emmy-nomination-worthy. Effing Zooey Deschanel and her schtick make me want to punch someone/something. Tina Fey is my girl, and I love her, but this season of 30 Rock was really not nomination-worthy. Amy Poehler – yes yes yes. I don’t know that I have anyone else I’d put in here, because lead actress in a comedy is a tough category. Most comedy I enjoy is ensemble-based. (And I’m not sure how this is set up. Do the shows decide if a person is a lead or a supporting? Based on something weird that happens later on down the road, I’m guessing yes.) Oh, also, this category proves that Emmy voters ARE watching Parks and Recreation; they’re just humorless automatons who don’t know what’s awesome in the world. Shit. I think they must work here. DO YOU WORK HERE, EMMY VOTERS? (Also, I’m choosing to ignore you, Julia Louis-Dreyfus. My hate for the Seinfeld people goes super, super deep. Even when one of them used to be a Saturday Night Live cast member. I know. Hate me if you must.) 

Look at this awesome faaaace! Also, best first name ever.

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. Jim Parsons for The Big Bang Theory; Larry David for Curb Your Enthusiasm; Don Cheadle for House of Lies; Louis C.K. for Louie; Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock and Jon Cryer for Two and a Half Men. OK, I’m saving my complaining until the supporting categories, because, like I said, I’m not sure if the people I love were snubbed here, or in the supporting categories. I don’t watch Big Bang so I can’t say a word. Smart people love it. It’s laugh-tracky, so I can’t watch that. I’ve never heard of House of Lies. I don’t approve of Larry David. I like Louis C.K. and smart people like that show a lot. I love Alec Baldwin, but this season of 30 Rock’s been really flat. Jon Cryer should not be nominated for this shitshow of a program because listen, Emmy voters, I know we all love Duckie, and you’re all obviously voting for him out of nostalgia or something, but stop it. He’s not playing Duckie in this show. Stop encouraging this nonsense, maybe it’ll get off the air. Again, I’m not sure who I would have nominated here, as I’m not sure how the nominations line up with this category or supporting. I guess I’m rooting for Louis C.K, even though I don’t watch the show. Parsons and Baldwin have already won, and Louis C.K. was funny on Parks and Recreation so I can pretend he’s winning for that. (Also, shouldn’t my Neil Patrick Harris be here? WHERE IS MY NPH. I don’t watch his show, but he should be nominated for, and win, every category. Just for being alive. I love him just that much.) 

NPH wants to know where his nomination is. He wants you to remember that “Pretty in Pink” was a loooong time ago. This has been a public service announcement from NPH.

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. Blossom for The Big Bang Theory (shut up, she’s always going to be Blossom to me); Kathryn Joosten for Desperate Housewives; Julie Bowen for Modern Family; Sofia Vergara for Modern Family; Merritt Wever for Nurse Jackie; and Kristen Wiig for Saturday Night Live. Now, this one kind of bugs me, because both of the Modern Family ladies, while fine, aren’t as good as Aubrey Plaza, Alison Brie, or Busy Phillips from Parks and Recreation, Community, and Cougar Town, respectively. I know nothing about Blossom but hear good things, and dammit, she’s Blossom! With the hats and the adorable capers and the very special episodes! Kathryn Joosten died so sometimes they like to give people awards for dying (also, Desperate Housewives, STOP SAYING YOU’RE A COMEDY! You’re NOT! ARGH! Well, I guess this is the last year you’ll be saying you’re a comedy, since you’re off the air, ha ha.) I don’t care about Nurse Jackie and also I hear it’s not much of a comedy. And I love love love love LOVE my Kristen Wiig, and would like to see her win, because it was her last season of SNL this year. But Aubrey Plaza and Alison Brie and Busy Phillips should be in this category, dammit. They rock. 

LOVE LOVE LOVE. Remember when April and Andy adopted a billion dogs? NOMINATE HER DAMMIT!

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. Ed O’Neill for Modern Family; Jesse Tyler Ferguson for Modern Family; Ty Burrell for Modern Family; Eric Stonestreet for Modern Family; Max Greenfield for New Girl; and Bill Hader for Saturday Night Live. WHO THE HELL ON THE MODERN FAMILY STAFF IS BLOWING THE EMMY VOTERS. Listen, I love Stonestreet (his acceptance speech a couple years ago made me weep – was that at the Emmys? The Golden Globes? He’s awesome) and the show, as I mentioned, is pretty funny. And even though New Girl’s kind of lame, I like Greenfield (mostly because I loved him on Veronica Mars STOP JUDGING ME.) But there are people missing here. HYSTERICAL people. Let’s list a few, shall we? Community: Danny Pudi and Donald Glover (but Chevy Chase and Joel McHale aren’t too shabby, either.) 30 Rock: Jack McBrayer and Tracey Morgan. And, and and AND, it’s like Parks and Recreation didn’t EXIST! You didn’t see Chris Pratt this season? You didn’t see Aziz Ansari? You didn’t see (sigh, MY BOYFRIEND!) Adam Scott? And – listen, do you not HAVE a funny bone? Do you really not have one? Were you born without it? Because if you watched Parks and Recreation and didn’t laugh hysterically at every single thing that came out of Nick Offerman’s mouth – not ONLY what he said, just his FACIAL EXPRESSIONS – you are a soulless waste of breath. OK, I might be exaggerating, I get it, maybe it’s not your style of comedy, I’m not judging. But are you telling me, are you really telling me, that effing ED O’NEILL is funnier than NICK OFFERMAN? No. You must be staging an elaborate prank, wherein the nominees will all get on stage and then all shout, in unison, “You been PUNK’D, Nick Offerman!” and then they will all carry him onstage, bodily, and give him the award. Also many breakfast meats. Because seriously, it’s like this can’t even be happening right now. 

This is Ron Swanson dancing, wearing a very small hat. When this aired, it made my entire YEAR. Emmy voters, I hate you a little bit right now.

Guest Actress in a Comedy Series. Dot-Marie Jones for Glee; Maya Rudolph for Saturday Night Live; Melissa McCarthy for Saturday Night Live; Elizabeth Banks for 30 Rock; Margaret Cho for 30 Rock; and Kathy Bates for Two and a Half Men. OK, first, Glee? YOU ARE NOT A COMEDY. Stop the lies. I don’t laugh at ANYTHING on Glee. I groan a lot, lately, honestly, but that’s a whole other issue. Anyway, Dot-Marie Jones rocks the character of Coach Bieste, but she’s not a guest actress. She’s a supporting actress. She doesn’t belong here. This whole system is fucked, pardon my fran-cayze. Maya Rudolph was fine on SNL, but Melissa McCarthy’s hosting stint was STELLAR. This is a well-deserved nomination. She’s made for sketch comedy, this woman. She rocks everything she does. Elizabeth Banks is ok on 30 Rock. And, hee! I had NO IDEA that was Margaret Cho playing Kim Jong-Il on 30 Rock, that’s so funny! I kind of just want her to win because she fooled me! 

Hidden Valley RANCH party, yo!

Guest Actor in a Comedy Series. Michael J. Fox for Curb Your Enthusiasm; Greg Kinnear for Modern Family; Bobby Cannavale for Nurse Jackie; Jimmy Fallon for Saturday Night Live; Will Arnett for 30 Rock; and Jon Hamm for 30 Rock. Ooh, this one’s going to be tough. There’s a lot of Fox love, but he’s also nominated for The Good Wife (and he is AMAZING on that show.) Didn’t see Kinnear on Modern Family (and, ENOUGH with the Modern Family circle-jerk, this is getting obscene!) Don’t care about Nurse Jackie, but do like Cannavale. Loved Fallon on SNL, it was a great episode. Love both Arnett and Hamm on 30 Rock. I’m glad I don’t have to vote for this one. I think I’d give it to Arnett for 30 Rock, if I had to choose. His character doesn’t show up much anymore, and he never got the accolades for it he deserved. Also, he’s Gob, you know? Gob should get ALL the awards. 

Come ON.

I’m now going to skip some, otherwise we’re going to be here all YEAR. Gah. 

Outstanding Drama Series. Boardwalk Empire; Breaking Bad; Downton Abbey; Game of Thrones; Homeland; Mad Men. Um. An embarrassing fact about me is that I’ve only seen one of these, and Season Two of it wasn’t as good as Season One so I don’t think it should win here. I have no opinion on this. (Oh, you are aware the only thing I’ve seen here is Game of Thrones, right? OK, good. In my defense, I plan on watching all of these eventually except Homeland. I don’t like Claire Danes.) 

Actress in a Drama. Glenn Close for Damages; Michelle Dockery for Downton Abbey; Julianna Margulies for The Good Wife; Kathy Bates for Harry’s Law; Claire Danes for Homeland; Elizabeth Moss for Mad Men. Margulies for the win, please. I’ve only seen The Good Wife and Harry’s Law, and the season of Harry’s Law this is based on is TERRIBLE. I mean, I like Bates, but no no no, and also, it wasn’t even a very good show BEFORE this most recent season. This is another “giving the actress, not the role, a nomination” nomination. I haven’t seen the rest, but I have a hard time believing anyone’s better than my Alicia Florrick.

I love her. LOOOOVE her. Give her all the awards, ok? Thanks.

Actor in a Drama. Steve Buscemi for Boardwalk Empire; Bryan Cranston for Breaking Bad; Michael C. Hall for Dexter; Hugh Bonneville for Downton Abbey; Damian Lewis for Homeland and Jon Hamm for Mad Men. Um. I’ve seen none of these. You guys choose, I’m out. (For the record, I’d just pick Buscemi because of Ghost World and Reservoir Dogs, and that’s not how you’re supposed to do this at all.) Also, where is Walt Goggins from Justified, I ask you? He kills in that role, absolutely kills. I mean, he didn’t get as much to play with this season, but he still knocked what he was given out of the park, and I love him. Or would he be a supporting actor? I guess a case could be made for either.

Look, he’s even a little confused where his nomination is.

Supporting Actress in a Drama. Anna Gunn for Breaking Bad; Maggie Smith for Downton Abbey; Joanne Froggatt for Downton Abbey; Archie Panjabi for The Good Wife; Christine Baranski for The Good Wife and Christina Hendricks for Mad Men. KALINDA WINS THIS ONE OR SHE WILL SMASH YOUR SKULL WITH A BASEBALL BAT END OF STORY. (Fine, she won last year, it’ll probably be one of the Downton Abbey ladies, whatever. Kalinda could take ‘em.) 

Don’t eff with my Kalinda. She’s got a gun. Which she knows how to use.

Supporting Actor in a Drama. Aaron Paul for Breaking Bad; Giancarlo Esposito for Breaking Bad; Brendan Coyle for Downton Abbey; Jim Carter for Downton Abbey; Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones; and Jared Harris for Mad Men. Well, like NPH, Dinklage deserves all awards forever and for always, but like I said, this season of Game of Thrones was kind of weak. Haven’t seen any of the others. But I will always be happy to see Dinklage receive an award, because then I yell “DINKLAGE!” out loud and scare the cat. 

DINKLAGE! (And Dumbcat hides under the couch.)

Guest Actress in a Drama. Martha Plimpton for The Good Wife; Loretta Devine for Grey’s Anatomy; Jean Smart for Harry’s Law; Julia Ormond for Mad Men; Joan Cusack for Shameless; and Uma Thurman for Smash. Conversation held by Emmy voters: “Shit, we really need to get more viewers, and also throw a kick-ass party. How can we do that?” “Invite the BEST PEOPLE!” “How can we do that?” “Well, some really kick-ass people guest-starred on some shows this season…they might not have had the best PERFORMANCES, but if we NOMINATE them, they’ll come to the SHOW, and the party will rock, plus we’ll get more media coverage and more people will watch.” “BRILLIANT! DO IT, BABY!” (I have no idea if most of these women were any good at all, but don’t you find it a little suspicious that they’re all name-recognition mega-stars? I do. I’m rooting for Martha, BTW. She rocks in that role and in LIFE.)

Look, it’s a twofer! BOTH of the people I want to win!

Guest Actor in a Drama. Mark Margolis for Breaking Bad; Dylan Baker for The Good Wife; Michael J. Fox for The Good Wife; Jeremy Davies for Justified; Ben Feldman for Mad Men; and Jason Ritter for Parenthood. Aw, little Jason Ritter! He’s cute on Parenthood, but Emmy-worthy? I don’t know. I think he got nominated in memory of his dad, to be honest. I’m going for Fox. His guest role on The Good Wife is amazing. Plus, to be honest, he’s going to get the pity vote. What? I know it’s shitty but he is. Just telling it like it is.

Random other things that bear mention: 

Stupid American Horror Story (because I guess you can choose?) put itself up as a miniseries so it would have less competition than it would in the drama category. Just for that tomfoolery, it deserves no awards. NO AWARDS, American Horror Story, do you hear me? (Let it be clear that I love American Horror Story; I just don’t like that it tried trickery to get awards. That’s not fairplay at all.) 

Oh, Tate. So awesome. THIS IS NOT A MINISERIES, THOUGH.

MY BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH is up for best actor in a miniseries or movie. You give that to him. You give that to him RIGHT EFFING NOW. I want to see him get an award, dammit. 

Martin Freeman is also up for best supporting actor in a miniseries or movie for his role as Watson, which I like very much. Snubbed in this category (since they shoved themselves into it all rudely): Evan Peters from American Horror Story. His Tate just floored me this season. He may not deserve the award (Freeman does; there’s nothing on television that equals Sherlock) but he deserved the nomination. 

Oh, sigh. When is Season 3 again?

Why is the only episode nominated for Sherlock “A Scandal in Belgravia?” It was excellent, but “The Reichenbach Fall” was better, in my opinion. What, you don’t want my opinion? Well, you waited a long damn time to tell me that, now didn’t you?

If he doesn’t deserve to win for this alone, I don’t know what criteria you people are using.

So, now, the question is, will I WATCH the Emmys? Yeah, probably. Because, CUMBERBATCH. That seals the deal, right there. I’m pretty easy. Especially when my Cumberbatch is involved. Sigh.


An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 12)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:  

It is summer! Summer hit us this past Wednesday with much heat and humidity and grossness. HI SUMMER! I am pleased to live somewhere with an air conditioner. Someone else who is pleased with this development is Dumbcat. He likes to sit in the window, where the air conditioner blows on him and makes him cold on the bottom, but the sun bakes the top of him crispy-fried like a potato. This, I think, explains a lot of his stupidity, because his brain is at his top crispy-side. 

ALSO AND OFF-TOPIC! It is Elaine’s BIRTHDAY! Everyone tell Elaine to have the happiest of all possible happy birthdays, because she is wonderful! Happy, happy birthday to you, Elaine – have a wonderful day and may your year ahead be filled with magic and wonder and all the whimsy you could desire!

A cake with a CROWN for you, Elaine! This cake was MADE for you, seriously.

Now, this past month has brought me many new readers. HI NEW READERS! The new readers are here due to two things: porn and poetry. If I combined the two, can you even IMAGINE the traffic? Pervy poetry here I come! Toot toot, get on the pervy poetry train! Also, this month we had an anniversary, we went bon-vivanting in New York City, and we talked about lady-bits. Listen, it’s been really a banner month at the old Bender house, hasn’t it? It totally has. I’m overall quite pleased with my May-slash-June, blog-wise. Also, mostly life-wise. Work-wise I could use some improvements, but I think I read somewhere that it’s a proven fact that you can’t have all the things in your life go right at once or your head would explode, and who wants an exploding head? Surely not me. Anyway, due to all this craziness, I apparently have like followers in the TRIPLE EFFING DIGITS HEADING TOWARD THE QUADRUPLE SUPER-FAST WHAT THE HELL. I don’t know. I find it all very perplexing and kind of worrisome, but also the most awesome. Hi! Hi. How are you? Good? Good. Glad to see you! Hope you’re wearing pants. Are you wearing pants? Good, good, great, grand. 

In case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post.  I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the twelfth one. As you can tell from the title. A whole YEAR of these here thingamabobbers. Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Because when I was just a baby, my momma told me son, always be a good boy, don’t ever play with guns. So instead I fell into the internet. (LIES, I also played with guns, and I LOVE THEM.) 

*sigh* Love.

Our search terms this month were perv-heavy (well, -er, perv-heavy-er) and also there were a lot of perplexing ones. And there were a lot of people asking the same thing over and over and OVER. Man, you’re like dogs with bones about some things, aren’t you? 

So ANYWAY, instead of addressing you all individually, which would take a month and I’m totally at work right now, and I don’t want to sit here for a month, buckaroos, I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups.  What? You don’t like that? Go complain to your ombudsman. 

Category the First: You are CORRECT, sir. 

“tom cruise makes me nervous”
creeped out by gorillas 

I WILL EAT YOUR FACE I WILL EAT IT UP WITH MY HUGE EFFING CHOMPERS.

Both of these things are totally correct. Yes. Tom Cruise is worrisome and so are gorillas. Also, one time I was Cruise-bashing on Twitter and he started following me, I think I mentioned that? Really him, like with the blue check next to his name and everything. And I haven’t mentioned him since and it’s been a really, really long time. And he STILL follows me. What the hell, Cruise. Go fly into the danger zone or something and leave me be. 

Category the Second: The Internet is For Porn

sexy medieval women kirtle
arya stark grown up
arya stark sexy
bestiality i and my pig
bigoldsexydotcom and variants thereof (x7)
boobs anchor tattoo on hip
exotic teen talking dirty in hotel conference room
george peppard full frontal 

OK. Let’s discuss this Game of Thrones thing. Maisie Williams, who plays Arya Stark? IS FIFTEEN. You are DISGUSTING. She’s NOT LEGAL YET. Stop it. She’s a lovely young lady, stop perving it up. You are the worst. 

I like “I and my pig.” I like that there’s an attempt at this totally fancy grammar going on here. It’s WRONG, but it makes me laugh. Also, Babe doesn’t want you to touch his swimsuit areas. 

Bad touch. BAD TOUCH!

Why so much bigoldsexydotcom? Rich, what happened when you looked for that site, was it the grossest? Do I even want to know? 

“Boobs anchor?” Is it an anchor WITH boobs? Hee. Like a busty ol’ anchor, that makes me laugh. Are you talking about an anchor PIERCING? What does that have to do with boobs? Also, you don’t get those on your hip, who would even see that? 

I’m not saying I wouldn’t look at a young George Peppard full frontal. I think I won’t pass judgment on that one. 

Also, I keep getting multiple pervy searches about some woman named “Susan Hargous.” Dear Susan Hargous: I don’t know you, but someone out there is doing pervy Google searches for you and somehow getting directed to my blog. Please take caution, and lock your doors up tight tight tight at night. Also, invest in an attack hamster. You’re welcome! 

Category the Third: Curiouser and Curiouser 

“marching to pretoria” “kookaburra”
the gickel way of life
banned drama queen images
black dolphin prison
corporates zoo zoo
funny jokes about pervy pete
funny rat poison card
new stories hansel and gretel where there fattened up and eaten
super sad sucide note that will make you cry 

I looked up “gickel” and it’s either a geocaching term or something that pointed me to a bunch of German sites. Huh. Is the gickel way of life calm and relaxing? Because if it is, I want to do it. 

I was not aware there was a song called “Marching to Pretoria” and it’s the basis of the beginning of the song “I Am the Walrus.” Huh. You learn something new every day. I have NO IDEA how it ties in to my beloved kookaburras, but I like that I learned a new thing anyway. 

Banned drama queen images. Why are they banned? Are they scandalous? TOTALLY SCANDALOUS? Because now I want to see them, as long as they don’t show too much boob.

Why is the dolphin in prison? I notice his skin color. Is this racially motivated? I don’t care for this at all. FREE WILLY! (No, not THAT willy. Put that away, Ding Dong Joe, that wasn’t an invitation.) 

“Corporates zoo zoo” sounds like one of those terrible Nick Jr. shows The Nephew would watch and I wouldn’t be allowed to talk during, even though I would want to make fun of it. 

Wait a minute. “Funny jokes about Pervy Pete.” Are there OTHER people making funny jokes about Pervy Pete? ZOMG YOU GUYS. I just did a Google search and Pervy Pete is a THING. A total thing! Like, he has a MEME! And a GAME! Although the link for that looks like it’s going to give me a virus, potentially an STD, so I’m not linking OR clicking on that, no no no. I didn’t even know this! Did you know this? Why didn’t anyone tell me Pervy Pete was all famous behind my back? I’m going to go Google search Ding Dong Joe and see if he’s famous, too. WHEW. No, he is not, although he DOES have a Facebook page. I like that these two are up to their own thing without my knowledge. But I’m amazed it’s Pervy Pete that’s the more famous. Wouldn’t you have imagined it would be Ding Dong Joe that would be more famous? He seems to be the top and not the bottom in that ice cream sandwich of ickiness, you know? 

Seriously, this is a WHOLE BIG THING. Pervy Pete has a whole internet life I wasn’t aware of.

There are probably no “funny” rat poison cards. Unless you have a really sick sense of what’s humorous. And who are you giving the card to, the survivors of the rat family after you kill someone in it? 

This is…um…kind of funny? I guess? Zazzle for the win? Sort of?

“New stories” about Hansel and Gretel. Huh. And you want to see them fattened up and eaten. This is…um. Here, I have a funny rat poison card for you here you might enjoy. 

What suicide note WOULDN’T make you sad? I mean, it’s the last thing someone wrote before they KILLED themselves. They’re ALL “super sad.” And why do you WANT to read them? 

Category the Fourth: Famous people are famous 

alexander skarsgard
bebe neuwirth (x2)
ben wyatt (x5)
benedict cumberbatch (x5)
jason dohring
judd nelson young
marlon brando pouty
zak bagans channing tatum sandwich 

Here, I found you some pretty pictures because I love you.

A young Judd Nelson…swoon…

…and a young, pouty Marlon. DOUBLE swoon.

Most of these, yep, I’m in agreement. Then there’s the last one. That sandwich is disgusting to even contemplate. The Ghost Douche and Ol’ Barrel-Neck all squashing up on you in bed? Are you KIDDING? First, you’d get so many STDs you’d need to be quarantined for life. Second, I think you’d die of disgustingness. Gack. Gack, gack. 

OH SIDE NOTE. Who’s this “Magic Mike” person everyone’s on about? All I see everywhere is “Magic Mike.” What does this mean? 

If you think of all the things I DON’T want in a movie? It’s this movie.

Oh. Oh, shit. It’s not a PERSON, it’s a MOVIE, where the kid that played the Beast in that Beauty in the Beast update learns to strip with the help of Ol’ Barrel-Neck. It also stars Matthew McConaughey, Alcide from True Blood, and pretty, pretty Matt Bomer. Yeah. I won’t be going to see that. It sounds like Showgirls for women. I think you’d lose IQ points just entering the theater. (Oh! Hee! This link says it’s based on Ol’ Barrel-Neck’s LIFE EXPERIENCES as a stripper! Oh, this should just be gold. Just total gold. Someone go see this and report back to me on how bad it is, please.) 

Category the Fifth: Things that made me snort-laugh. 

“sorry for ruining your comment” facebook
april april poem i will fool you dig till skane
blog i squished the spider with a tissue flushed it down toilet
i hate those pesky cock blocking penguins quote
i said i wanted a puppy
jon snow stupid face
kathy bates misery scary
kenny rogers blog sandwich
meme you fancy huh
mine seagull finding emo
mr nailbrain
my grandmother the murderess
next step marrying turtles (x2)
pouncey chosen one tattoos
saying “have finland”
seriously owl
snob-nosen viper
that is by far my favourite mistake to make while i’m blogging
the answer is yes, if you were wondering.
the swinging bon vivants
zombieland interpersonal relationship anaysis

There’s a lot of awesomeness going on here. A LOT. 

“Sorry for ruining your comment” Facebook. I feel like whatever this is, about half of the people I know could benefit from it. 

THOSE PESKY COCK-BLOCKING PENGUINS! I hate when I go into a bar and I try to pick up a hot dude and then a penguin waddles onto the scene all “I called dibs, yo.” That is the WORST. You can’t even be mad, because it’s a penguin, you know? 

Yo, I’m harshin’ your lady-buzz, man.

Aw, Jon Snow’s stupid face! (As much as I love Kit Harington, he does have that slack-jawed doofus look on his puss a lot, doesn’t he?) 

Handsome, but a little slack-jawed.

“You fancy, huh?” Yep. Totally am. 

“Finding Emo” is my favorite typo of the YEAR. ZOMG FINDING EMO YOU GUYS. “You think you can do these things, Emo, but you can’t!” and then Emo would swim away, a cloud of eyeliner trailing off behind him, and go do some cutting or journaling or something in his dark little cave while listening to Morrissey. 

Heh, I wasn’t surprised to find out this was actually a thing. I love this.

Mr. Nailbrain is the name of my first movie, which will be released by 20th Century Fox in 2014. It stars Dane Cook as Mr. Nailbrain, a very funny comedian who got a nail in his brain and then became a douchebag. It’s a indie tearjerker. I think you’ll all like it a lot. 

“Don’t discriminate against me! I have a nail! A nail in my BRAIN! LOVE ME MOMMA!”

Neither of my grandmothers are murderesses. One was an insurance claims adjustor and community theater actress and the other is a housewife. They aren’t (or, in the case of the one who passed away, weren’t) particularly stabby. I had that great-aunt who was a murderess, though. Get your facts straight before you accuse my family of killings. 

Ha! I was totally telling my mom about how O’Reilly said we were all going to marry turtles the other day (we had to wait til my dad wasn’t there because if he hears us denigrating his Fox News he has a fit) and even my MOM thought that was crazytown cuckoo-bananas. MARRYING TURTLES!!!!1!!!! 

No one can say “have Finland” except Andreas. Finland is HIS. He OWNS it. 

I did a Google search for “pouncey chosen one” and had no luck. I get a mental image of Tigger as a vampire slayer, though, and it’s kind of the best. 

“In every generation there is a chosen one. It alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, the Heffalumps, and the forces of darkness. It is the pouncey slayer.”

Gah, SERIOUSLY, owl, come ON, you’re only embarrassing YOURSELF.

The “snob-nosed viper” hates your box wine. He only drinks wine that’s been aged at least twenty years. He also only likes bands that haven’t been discovered by the mainstream and fine foreign cheeses that smell of feet. 

*sniff* I liked eating small rodents before it was cool.

My favorite mistake to make while blogging is everything I do, ever. What, you think I have a PLAN? Nope. Flying by the seat of my pants, here, my little gumdrops. 

I’m glad we know the answer is yes. I’m a touch curious about the QUESTION, though. What might that be, if you’d be so kind? 

ZOMG “the swinging bon vivants.” KEN KEN KEN. I think this one’s for you! Are you part of The Swinging Bon Vivants? I know you were pretty sold on the name of your new band, but I think we’ve found you a new one. THE SWINGING BON VIVANTS. Now with extra swing! Wait, does this mean “swing” like in the gross key-party-70s way? Ew, stop that. That’s not a good idea. Poor Ken doesn’t want to do that, he’ll get a rash or something. Probably Mrs. Ken doesn’t like such things, either. So if that was your intention, STOP IT. (I stand behind that being a kick-ass band name, though.) 

Also, I like that someone’s analyzing the interpersonal relationships in Zombieland. I like to imagine this is for some sort of awesome college class like Post-Apocalyptic America: Viewpoints (SOC307) or something kickass like that. I’d take that class. I WOULD TAKE THAT CLASS SO HARD. 

Category the Sixth: Nope. Bad idea. 

facebook funny status pants down
hi i just met you and this is crazy u were no condom so here’s your baby
letter to rich person to get sponsorship
no internet vacation 

None of these are a good idea or funny. Let’s analyze, shall we? Sure we shall.

If you have to look something up in order to post it as a “funny” Facebook status: it’s not funny. Trust me on this. Also, nothing’s funny about a status about your pants being down, weirdo.

GAH. I am SO TIRED of these stupid takeoffs on that ridiculously terrible “Call Me Maybe” song. First, I know a lot of people are all, “I can’t get it out of my head!” but I listened to it and it didn’t even earworm me a little, it just annoyed the piss out of me. Second, these things started popping up, and they are BOTHERSOME. Also, you “were” no condom? Well. I hope he wasn’t a condom. A giant talking condom! What kind of hybrid human-condom baby do you have there, I wonder? It’s wore, you jackass. AND, “you wore no condom” sounds like you’re a snotty asshole. “Pip pip! You wore no condom, my good man! Here is your progeny forthwith!” 

You can TRY to write letters to rich people for sponsorship, but let me tell you from experience, they just ignore that shit. SIGH. I’m no closer to my world-traveling bon vivantery than when I started. 

No, no internet vacation. Even thinking about that makes me itchy. I know, a lot of people take these and it’s a good thing for THEM. But for me? ITCH ITCH ITCH. That being said, I HAVE to take one at the end of July/beginning of August because I’m going up to the mountains where there’s no phone or internet, and I’m already getting pre-itchy imagining it. Itch. Itch, itch. 

Category the Seventh: YES. 

booksluts
interspecies friendship
juniper tree stepmother
sneaky fucker strategy (x2)
there once was a german boy who like to suck his thumbs his mother told him to stop but he wouldn’t do his mum cut off his thumbs now he has no thumbs 

These are all kickass search terms. I like that you’re finding Insatiable Booksluts by searching here. GOOD. Go read over there, too, because I write there sometimes, and I love Susie the most and then a little more, even. 

Interspecies friends! I’m totally happy to be found with searches for interspecies friends, because “interspecies friends” makes me happy. Because I love that Saturday Night Live skit, and also because aw! Interspecies friends, you guys! 

How bored is this cat with his friendship? Also, this is from a whole WEBSITE that is DEDICATED to interspecies friends. AWESOME!

Sneaky fuckerism. You keep searching, I keep delivering. I promise to always be here for all of your sneaky fucker needs. 

Whoa, your Little Suck-a-Thumb search phrase was long. And not really the plot, if you remember my post. It wasn’t his MOM, it was the terrible long-legged tailor with the garden shears that snipped off that little kiddo’s thumbs. (His mom did laugh and laugh as he died, though, because she was a terrible parent. As all of those parents in that book were.) But YAY! I am an expert on horrifying German children’s stories! This is great, I love this. 

You know about “The Juniper Tree”, right? It’s the one about the stepmother who made the family eat the child she cooked and ate? I talked about it here. It’s terrible and wonderful all at once. I like my fairytales as dark as possible. I’m a twisty chica. 

Category the Eighth: No, cause he’s taking a dirt nap 

corey haim drinks iced coffee 

Unless Dunkin’ Donuts has franchised in heaven (or hell, I suppose) I think the Haimster’s iced-coffee days are over, sad to say.

Here’s Haim pretending to read a book. I’m surprised it’s not upside-down, honestly. Look at those skinny little arms, my word.

Category the Ninth: Aw, you. 

shall i tell you what i find beautiful about you… you are at your very best when things are worst.
you are pretty stellar 

Aw. Blush. BLUSH YOU GUYS. Oh, wait, these have nothing to do with me and just happened to get me here? Well, SCREW YOU THEN, I’m taking my toys and I’m GOING HOME, see if I ever come back to play with YOU again. 

Well! There’s that, then! What did we learn this month, my Precious Moments figurines? That people are pervy and also sometimes HILARIOUS? Sure, that’s a godo lesson. I like that. I am down with that. 

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches. 

Love, Me. 

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)


Way to fail me in my time of need, interwebs.

I was talking to a friend the other day about guys. You know, as you do. When you’re an adult. Have the same conversations you had when you were fourteen and bored and passing notes in study hall.

We were talking about how our list of what we want in a guy changed, as we got older.

When I was young, it was all about EXCITING. I wanted a Heathcliff. I wanted the brooding and the romance and the drama.

Ooh, Ralph. Love, love, love, with the broody.

Now I kind of just want someone to watch Game of Thrones with who’d help me bring in the groceries. And also liked Dumbcat, and of course sex. And who knows how to use a semicolon, and doesn’t live in his mom’s basement. And who makes me laugh. And who I make laugh. Because I’m funny as hell, no joke.

Someone who agrees that Joffrey needs all the bitchslappery would be JUST PEACHY WITH ME.

The friend was all, “I think you need to know more of what you’re looking for than that,” and I said, “Really? I won’t just know when I meet him?” and she said she didn’t think so. I don’t know if I 100% agree with that but you can’t really say that to people because you look like a douchenozzle.

So I went to the interwebs because I thought, the interwebs will be a nice way to find out what I’m looking for, because apparently that’s something that normal people know and I don’t. I know, total surprise, right? Also, have I mentioned I have a very, very stupid heart? I have a very intelligent brain and a very stupid heart. It wants what’s bad for it. It wants all the Cheetos, this heart of mine, and none of the salad. It’s not a smart heart. Not at all.

First I found this quiz, and it seemed promising (because it said it was FOR GIRLS and I am totally A GIRL) until there were 47 billion popups. Don’t click on this quiz unless you like 47 million popups.

But it told me this is what I wanted in a guy:

You like The Populars! You have a love for those who are oh-so-smooth around you! You also love them because they know how to talk and make your heart melt! They’re perfect for you, because they also love to be cool, like you! You’re a sweet gal, so stepping up and talking to them shouldn’t be hard for you!

Um. No. No, I don’t think I do. I think that’s the opposite of what I like. Bad job, popuppy quiz.

Then I found this one, and there were a lot of typos. Listen, I’m starting to despair for the state of the interwebs. HOW ARE PEOPLE SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT WHAT THEY WANT IN A GUY IF THERE ARE ALL THE POPUPS AND TYPOS.

But it was totally smarter, yo.

YOU WANT TO DATE A GEEK! You love geeks! Not to say that you ARE one, but… I’m just saying. Anyways this is the perfect guy for you. You like school, plaid, and your family. So go ahead and don’t care what anyone says: DATE A GEEK!

“Anyways” makes me want to commit kitten-murder.

I DO like school and my family. I’m kind of meh on plaid, though.

Ooh, now THIS ONE is for GROWNUP LADIES because it is from a site with GROWNUP things on it. So this is more promising. Listen, we’re going to crack this code sooner than later, I’m promising you this right now. This one’s going to tell us what type of man I attract. I’m going to predict right now it’s homeless people who want to borrow money.

One of these questions asked where I like to go for a date. My options for answers? A dance hall (that’s still a thing? Are we also time-traveling?), a strip club (um…is it s first date, or…let’s just say no, for now), the theater for a Broadway show, or “I don’t care.” You think I answered the theater, but you’d be wrong. I said I don’t care. Because the last thing I want to do is drag some date to the theater when he doesn’t want to be there. That’d be awkward, and ruin it for everyone.

This quiz sucks and won’t give me my results unless I sign up for some spammy email shit. NO WAY CHARLIE. I guess we’ll never know what kind of men I attract. However, while taking this quiz, I stumbled upon an article called “14 Embarrassing Sex Questions” which you KNOW I had to read, I mean, you would have, too, and found out the following information:

  • Farting during sex is NORMAL and NOT FUNNY (come on, that wouldn’t make you laugh? That would make ME laugh. And if the guy I was schtupping DIDN’T laugh, that’s a sign I’m with the WRONG GUY.)
  • Having gay sex dreams doesn’t mean you ARE gay (um…someone asked this? I dreamed my finger fell off once, does that make me leprous?)
  • Cybersex does not count as cheating (really? I think I know a LOT of people who’d beg to differ on that point. I am one of them.)
  • Playboy airbrushes their centerfolds’ coochal areas (hee, what a job for someone)

These questions were less “embarrassing” than they were “stupid.” I don’t care for this website. BACK TO SOLVING MY LOVE LIFE DILEMMAS.

Now, this one is promising. Because it’s on a site called All The Tests. I like All The Things. so this will probably be very helpful.

UGH TYPOS.

Results:

You like the academics. Overachievers in school, these guys are intelligent and may edge on geeky. But, when they aren’t busy studying they will make time to adore you! Often enough, these guys are too shy to show they care, so try and be friendly towards them and something might happen.

OK, so we’re two for two on the geek set. I like that. I approve. This imaginary guy will be watching Game of Thrones with me in no time. Although I don’t know if I love that “something might happen” with this guy. That seems kind of up-in-the-air. I don’t have time to wait for him to get his shit together, dammit, I’m pretty old right now.

OK, enough with the teeny bopper bullshit. NOW WE ARE GOING TO USE SCIENCE.

This website is called PSYCH CENTRAL. I’m sure this will be very helpful. And this quiz is going to tell me what my style of romantic attachment is. HELPFUL ALREADY.

OK, this quiz says I am “fearful and shy” about relationships because I don’t want to get hurt.

WOW NICE JOB MIND-READER OF A QUIZ WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF.

Also, it wants me to put a badge on my site that says “My relationship style is Fearful and Shy” which I think would be the perfect milkshake to bring all the boys to my yard.

Now I”m just getting bored, let’s see if I have a sexual addiction.

Sigh. ZERO POINTS. UNLIKELY. I apparently am not a deviant.

OK, I have learned NOTHING today. This is just the worst. I am no closer to finding my Game of Thrones grocery-carrier sex-fella than I was when I STARTED this situation.

Oh, I totally met my future husband at work the other day but then I found out he was married with three kids so I was told I was not allowed to lust after him. He was a Doctor without BORDERS, you guys! So adorable! So when I got over him fourteen minutes later I met my NEW OTHER HUSBAND who was irreverent and wacky and looked like he knew how to repair cars. I like a guy who looks like he knows how to repair cars. I mean, I have a car, that’d be a handy skill. Also he used a long word that I’ve already forgotten so I got lustful. AND his dad apparently is a rich person so once we get married and his dad dies we’ll totally be jetting off on my European trip. But I was told that new husband hardly ever comes to my office so if I ever see him again probably it would just be a fluke and I’ve already forgotten what he looks like and also his first name so I wouldn’t even know him if I saw him. So then my coworker who was sad that all my future husbands were falling through told me she would be on the lookout for a musician for me because she thought that would be a good match for me and I said “AGREED, except make sure it’s not an asshat musician, I dated one of those once and it was nightmarish” and so that’s exciting except she’s really flaky and sometimes calls me Marnie even though I’ve known her for like six years so I think this might fall through.

SIGH.

Whatever, imaginary guy would probably just talk during Game of Thrones anyway. Then I’d have to break up with him. NO TALKING DURING TYRION UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE PUNCHED IN THE NECK YO.

*sigh* Yes, yes, Tyrion. Everything you say. Got it.

(Psst, happy birthday to my baby brother. Yes, the one who thinks you all have either one hand or are rapists. He will not be seeing this. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BROTHER. You do not care for the internet and think it is shadytown. I…think otherwise. Genetics are a funny thing, sometimes. ENJOY YOUR DAY!)


I’m sorry I had a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party.

I have a lot of things in my head today. RANDOM CRAP SATURDAY!

It’s nice here on the dark side. There’s cake.

So…new laptop. SO SHINY. Listen, I can’t even explain how much this thing is blowing my mind. I know. I KNOW. You probably all have laptops and iPads and whatnot and are all, meh, Amy, this is not that exciting. But the evil other computer? I can’t even explain how slow it was. And the freezing up. And the not allowing me to do things. And the erasing things I’d written so I had to re-do hours of work. And did I mention the freezing? Right before I wanted to go to bed? SO MUCH FREEZING. I would have a weeping breakdown over that thing weekly. Which is why it’s good I live alone. Having a roommate who had to deal with such things = a good way to lose a friend. Dumbcat doesn’t care if I have a weeping meltdown, as long as I feed him, and once and a while give him some cuddles.

But new laptop! I haven’t been this much in love with an inanimate object since I got my cell last year (around this time, actually. Tax season = Amy has the money to buy new technology!) I am sitting on my couch writing while I can watch television and Dumbcat is all cuddled up to me and I have fruit punch. ALL IS WELL IN THE WORLD.

Well, I did something today I SWORE I would never do. Are you ready? You’re going to be shocked. SHOCKED. I couldn’t do it with the old computer, and my cell doesn’t have enough memory.

I…downloaded the Kindle App.

I KNOW.

Wait! Let me plead my case!

I love paper books. I love them. So much. I’m not going to stop reading paper books. I am currently reading A Feast for Crows, and it’s paper. And although I am a little befuddled about who all these new characters are and it’s making my head a little swimmy, I love it more than a lot of things in the world.

But you know my gig over at Insatiable Booksluts, which I love a bushel and a peck?

We get galleys and such to read, sometimes. Which are available only by e-reader. I want to be able to read them, and review them.

Also, my library has started putting some new releases out via e-reader. NEW releases. Which I could get quicker than I could if I waited for the paper copy, which sometimes has a very long wait, and although patience is totally a virtue, it’s not one I possess.

AND, sometimes books go on crazy sale for e-reader. Like, a couple of dollars. I could read a book for a couple of dollars!

Also – YES, I KNOW, I PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT INTO SOMETHING SO SIMPLE – I decided it was asshatty of me to be so mistrusting of this new technology. I love technology. Love it. How much do I love my phone, my laptop, social networking, this very blog you’re reading? Yes, true, none of those worry me that they’ll be the end of publishing as I know it – and listen, no one loves paper books as much as I do, NO ONE – but it’s a douche move of me to completely disregard an entire new form of technology because I’m being a Luddite about it. And probably there will always be books, right? Just say there will, I don’t want to live in a world where things are otherwise, I’ll just die.

So, yes. I downloaded the Kindle app. Me! The person who, just a few months ago, TURNED DOWN A GIFT KINDLE. (If it matters, I’ve felt like an asshole about that ever since.)

I now have a new shiny book to read on it and EVERYTHING. And the free books that came with it.

I KNOW ZOMG. This is kind of a small step for man moment, right? Right.

And? The logo of Kindle could not even be cheerier and more evocative if it TRIED.

I think this might be trouble with a capital T for a booklover with a credit card, right?

Right.

Inter…um, no, wait…similar…cousin-y…whatever the hell they are. FRIENDS! FRIENDS!

OK, I kind of buried the lead, here. But guess what I have for you all today?

HELPER MULE UPDATE! And it is a weird and wild DOOZY of an update (although, brief!)

Talked to Dad the other night. Oh, wait, backtrack, first, we had THIS conversation:

Dad: Listen, I don’t think we can go to the zoo when we go to Florida.
Me: What? Why?
Dad: Because of the black panthers.

Why can't we see the black panthers? I'd like to see the black panthers.

Me: There are black panthers? I didn’t see them on the website. Just caracals. It’s a little zoo.

ZOMG look at this jaunty caracal! He has a total 'tude. I adore him.

Dad: No. The BLACK PANTHERS. The GROUP. Not the ANIMAL.

Ah. That makes more sense. Still don't know what they're doing at the zoo, though.

Me: Why are the Black Panthers at my zoo?
Dad: Because the zoo’s in the same town where Trayvon Martin was shot.
Me: Oh, crap. I didn’t even realize it was the same town. The Black Panthers are there?
Dad: They might be there.
Me: Oh, so they’re NOT there.
Dad: They said they might be there.
Me: At the zoo? Did they specifically say they’d be at the zoo? With the kookaburras and the caracals?
Dad: I think it’s a bad idea.
Me: I think you just don’t want to go to the zoo. Also, I’m pretty sure that even if the Black Panthers HAPPEN to be at the zoo, we’ll be ok. I don’t think they’re mad at us, specifically.
Dad: Maybe we could go somewhere else instead.
Me: NO. ZOO.
Dad: There’s a NASCAR museum.
Me: Are there caracals and kookaburras in the cars?
Dad: I’d think that’s unlikely.
Me: I’ll take my chances with the Black Panthers.

OK, so after this, which I’m fairly sure was just a vague plot to get him out of having to take me to the zoo, which is the ONE THING I AM SO SO EXCITED ABOUT,  because he does not share my joy in zoos, Dad continued with this, which I can not BELIEVE he did not tell me sooner!

Dad: So I drove past Helper Mule today.
Me: Aw! How’s he doing? I hope you honked at him, to tell him hi.
Dad: No. I did not do that. He has a friend.
Me: What? A friend? What do you mean?
Dad: There were two mule-like animals in the corral.
Me: TWO HELPER MULES?
Dad: I’m not sure. One was a little bigger, so it might have been a horse.
Me: Or a wildebeest?
Dad: Probably not a wildebeest. It didn’t look like a wild cow creature.
Me: Hee, wild cow creature, awesome. Do more research into this situation. You can’t leave me hanging like this. The whole internet is counting on you, you know.
Dad: That’s a lot of pressure.

So I waited like a FULL TWENTY-FOUR HOURS and I was on PINS AND NEEDLES, seriously. What was in the paddock with Helper Mule? What was happening? Did he have a friend? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Then, finally, it was Helper Mule update time. And it was so worth the wait.

Dad: So, I called my buddy up, and asked him what was going on with Helper Mule’s friend.
Me: AND AND AND?!?!?!
Dad: Do you need a time-out? Take a breath.
Me: When this happens on the internet I tell them I’m going to breathe into a bag. Pretend I’m breathing into a bag.
Dad: You tell the internet people that? You shouldn’t tell them that. It’s just more information for them to use to stalk and kill you with.
Me: I don’t think there’s much they could do with that. WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THE MULE, DAD.
Dad:  That is a mare. She is pregnant. And he bought her to be friends with Helper Mule.
Me: A lady-friend? A lady-friend who’s KNOCKED UP? Ooh, this is totally a tangled web, Dad.

She got abandoned by her baby-daddy. But Helper Mule is a total gentleman, so he'll step in and save the day. AND WIN HER HEART.

Dad: I guess.
Me: You don’t seem to be overly excited about this turn of events at all. This is like a MULE SOAP OPERA.
Dad: You have a weird brain that comes up with weird things, you know?
Me: Yep. HEREDITY!
Dad: Don’t even blame me for that brain. I think that’s all your mother’s doing.
Me: Wait, so how’s it going? Is Helper Mule coming out of his shell? Does he love his new friend?
Dad: I don’t know. All I know is, the mule won’t come anywhere near anyone but my buddy’s wife.
Me: Hey! Soon, there will be THREE friends. Helper Mule, his lady-friend, and her bastard child.
Dad: Yeah, it’s quite the little menagerie over there.
Me: You should go and check it out.
Dad: I don’t want to. It’s starting to make me nervous. It’s like a zoo.
Me: I LOVE ZOOS. We’re so going over there this summer.
Dad: Yes. Yes, of course we are.
Me: And by then there will be THREE FRIENDS! Also, I will bring Helper Mule carrots, and Helper Mule whisper him, and it will be the best.
Dad: He’ll bite your hand and steal those carrots.
Me: You underestimate my skills, yo.
Dad: Are you from the street right now?
Me: Yes.
Dad: I’m so proud.

So are we all the most excited about this weird turn of events? Now there is unhelpful Helper Mule, and his lady-friend, who’s pregnant for some reason, and her soon-to-be-born bastard child. I think Helper Mule will fall in love with her, and adopt that child. This is going to be great. Unless her baby-daddy comes back. LOOK OUT HELPER MULE. Baby-daddies can be TROUBLE. Oh, wait, this is going to be on Maury or some such shit, isn’t it? What will I WEAR. I think my best tubetop is at the CLEANERS.

ZOMG how did I miss this episode? THIRTY-FOUR MEN? What?!?!?

I’m hoping Dad’s friend will send photos, because I so want to see Helper Mule’s lady-friend in real life and not just imagine her from pregnant mare photos I found on the interwebs.

OK, so there’s your random crap for the day! Enjoy your Saturday. I hope you’re all out frolicking and whatnot. I’m toiling away answering all the phones. But as soon as that’s done – WHOO! No plans and schemes this weekend, lots of work, but it’s all fun work that I’ll love doing, so it won’t SEEM like work. That’s the best kind of work, right?

Happy day, all, happy day!


April, April, You Stupid Herring.

Happy April Fools’ Day!

Listen, I HATE APRIL FOOLS’ DAY. Hate it. HATE. IT.

I don’t like tricks or trickery or BEING tricked or being PART of tricks. I think tricks are the meanest and the most stupid. They make me stabby.

“But they’re all in FUN!” Fun for whom? Fun for the people PULLING the tricks. Not fun for the people upon whom the trick is being played. That person feels like an asshole and like his or her friends don’t love him or her. Do you really want to make your friends feel like you hate them? DO YOU? Then you’re a bag of dicks.

Last night, my dad informed me that every year, my grandfather used to play very elaborate tricks on my poor gullible grandmother. And every year, she’d be all, “I hate tricks! This year I will not fall for them!” and every year he’d stage one EVEN MORE ELABORATE and EVERY YEAR she’d fall for it. And my mom piped in and said, “Yeah, and then he’d sleep on the couch for two weeks and he had to make his own dinner,” which kind of made me laugh because my grandparents were this very traditional farming couple and that just WAS NOT DONE. But apparently he’d do things like “Hey! Come quick! THE COWS ALL GOT OUT!” and my poor grandmother would run out and he’d be standing there laughing at her. That doesn’t seem like a very good joke but apparently that’s the height of farming tomfoolery.

Listen, I loved my grandfather very much, but that was really a dick move. My poor nervous grandmother. She’s still nervous NOW! She listens to the fire and rescue scanner and is convinced every single call that doesn’t have a name attached is the death of one of her loved ones and then she burns up the phone lines finding out if that’s the case. She is VERY NERVOUS. Like a shell-shocked KITTEN, my grandmother. Playing April Fools’ tricks on her is VERY MEAN.

Wikipedia tells me this interesting tidbit about April Fools’ Day:

In France and Italy children (and adults, when appropriate) traditionally tack paper fish on each other’s back as a trick and shout “april fish!” in their local language (“poisson d’avril!” and “pesce d’aprile!” in French and Italian respectively).

What? April FISH? Now, see, this trick would not annoy me. Not even a little bitty bit. April fish? That’s ABSURD and AWESOME. I would totally be down with April fish.

Also, Wikipedia tells me April Fools’ Day is all Chaucer’s fault because he was the first person to write about it in The Canterbury Tales. That might be an April Fools’ Day prank, though. I don’t know. I’ve never read The Canterbury Tales. I KNOW DON’T EVEN START. Listen, I have a lot of books to read in the world, and working my way through The Canterbury Tales isn’t high on my priority list, ok?

Oh, wait, here’s another awesome thing from another country. This one’s for Andreas. Well, by extension. It’s in his neck of the woods. His SOON-TO-BE neck of the woods. Let me be clear.

May 1st is also celebrated in Sweden as an alternative joking day. When someone has been fooled in Sweden, to disclose that it was a joke, the fooler says the rhyme “April April din dumma sill, jag kan lura dig vart jag vill” (April, April, you stupid herring, I can fool you to wherever I want”) for April 1st jokes, or “Maj maj måne, jag kan lura dig till Skåne” (May May moon, I can fool you into Scania) for May 1st jokes. Both Danes and Swedes also celebrate April Fools’ Day (“aprilsnar” in Danish). Pranks on May 1, are much less frequent. Most Swedish news media outlets will publish exactly one false story on April 1, for newspapers this will typically be a first-page article but not the top headline.

There are so many things here to comment on, I can’t even.

  • “you stupid herring, I can fool you to wherever I want.” What is WITH Scandinavian countries and the HERRING? Seriously, Andreas. It’s like your people have a herring-obsession. Now I have to eat some herring to see what it tastes like so I know why there are all these herring-references. Also, “you stupid herring” is my new favorite saying, and I will be calling Dumbcat that all day today. He’s sleeping and snoring SO LOUD right now that he won’t mind a bit or an ounce.
  • Why are there TWO days of tomfoolery? Both April AND May 1? That’s the meanest thing I’ve ever heard, even with those cute rhymes.
  • “I can fool you into Scania.” What’s Scania, I wonder? THAT’S certainly mysterious.
  • “for newspapers, this will typically be a first-page article, but not the top headline.” I like how specific this is. NOT THE TOP HEADLINE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. Don’t even THINK of putting it on top. Also, “exactly” one news story. DON’T WRITE TWO OF THEM, INGRID, DAMMIT! ONLY ONE!

OK, so enough about the tomfoolery of the day, ok? NO FOOLING OF PEOPLE. I hate it and it’s stupid.

Instead of today being April Fools’ Day, it’s going to be NEW LAPTOP and GAME OF THRONES day in the Amy household. And there will be much rejoicing.

Yes, as soon as I finish writing this, and then writing TOMORROW’S blog which I haven’t even begun to think about what it might be about, I’m off to the big mall (gulp) to check out the laptop selection. Big mall is big. My old roommate and I used to joke that it made us dehydrated, it’s so big. We used to have to preemptively stop for Orange Julius. Also, there used to be roaming gangs of teenage thugs until they instituted a law that all minors had to be accompanied by an adult. I KNOW. Gangs of teen THUGS. Insane, right?

Then, by Tuesday, my wireless…router? I don’t know what the hell, probably that’s what it’s called – will show up in the mail from the cable company. They assure me that I will be able to set that up myself. That made me laugh til I almost choked, but whatever. I like that kind of confidence in me, Time Warner Cable, I really do.

THEN THEN THEN. I will be ONLINE. With my LAPTOP. I can BLOG while watching TELEVISION. I can bring my laptop WITH me places. Like to…oh, well, shit, I don’t ever go anywhere but if I DID, I could BRING it there. Oh, well, to FLORIDA! I will bring the laptop to Florida. And I can blog! At the end of the month! When I am on vacation with my dad! Won’t that be fun? Yes, yes it will. Also, it will have a CAMERA THAT WORKS. So hypothetically, I could take VIDEOS of me acting like a WEIRDO. I know it! This really is filled with delicious possibilities. Cut it out, Ding Dong Joe. Not videos of naughtiness, you’ll have to go elsewhere for those.

Then TONIGHT! At NINE PEE EMM! GAME OF THROOONNNESSSS!

I could not be more excited about this if you gave me THREE DUMBCATS.

I called my cable company Friday to order HBO. Because I’m poor and I don’t use it except when Game of Thrones or True Blood are on? Then when they’re done, I disconnect them immediately. I had the following conversation with the guy at the call center.

Me: I need to add a channel to my lineup.
Call Center Guy: GREAT! Let’s talk about your WANTS and NEEDS.
Me: I want HBO. Because I NEED to watch Game of Thrones on Sunday.
CCG: What if we could get you a deal where you could get other premium channels?
Me: Are there additional never-before-seen episodes of Game of Thrones on those channels?
CCG: I wouldn’t think so, no.
Me: Then I can’t imagine how those would benefit me. GAME OF THRONES CHANNEL ONLY PLEASE.

Eventually he talked me into getting HBO, Cinemax, and an upgrade to the speed of my interwebs for only $5 more a month than it would have cost for just HBO. I feel like I might have been scammed, but he did offer to talk about my wants and needs, and that’s the first time a guy’s offered to do that since high school. I felt really special, you know?

When I told my Dad I’d have Cinemax for a few months he said, “That’s called Skinemax” and when I said, “I don’t think it is” he said, “No, it is, because of porn.” What say you, minions? Is this a thing? And if so, EW DAD, am I right? That’s not a thing a dad should a., know, and b., SAY. Also, there’s porn? On my TV? Is it GOOD porn? I haven’t even turned ON my TV in two days. I’m curious about this porn allegation. Is my extra $5 a month for porn? OH ZOMG IS IT GAME OF THRONES PORN?!?!?!?!?

Anyway, check these out. NO SERIOUSLY CHECK THESE OUT. (The mildest of mild spoilers are contained herein. Shouldn’t be too bad.)

JON SNOW! Jon Snow has my heart. Is anyone else a little perplexed that there are already pictures of Ygritte online? I’d have thought they’d hold her off until Season Three? I mean, I’m not COMPLAINING – I ADORE Ygritte – but it seems soon, no?

Ooh, creepy Varys! I mostly like this one for the quote. Varys himself makes me want to take a long hot shower. He makes my skin crawl, even when we’re given his backstory.

Ooh, look at that crown! It looks spiky and painful. I approve.

MY ARYA STARK! Seriously, I love this kid to death. Every time I come across one of her scenes in the books (and if any of you spoil me past book three, which is where I am, I’m COMING to your HOUSE and I will PUNCH YOU IN THE NECK) I just bounce all around. She is the best. So layered and true. I love that she’s not just one-dimensional. No one is, really. You THINK they are, at the beginning. That’s when George R.R. Martin TRICKS you. Then he makes you fall in LOVE with them. Dammit, Martin.

ZOMG JOFFREY! HATE HATE HAAAAAATE! I wonder if this child is going to have problems getting acting gigs after this one. I’d never cast him again. I’d see him and want to slap him twice, no matter what he was in. Stupid evil sociopath Joffrey.

Daenerys! I love my Dany. Also, I’m excited to see what they do with the dragons. If the CGI gets stupid, I’m going to get stabby.

ZOMG times TWO. Jaime! You’re right, Jaime. There ARE no men like you. More’s the pity. I’m so excited to start a season of Game of Thrones where I LOVE Jaime. Last season I loathed him. That was before I’d read three of the books. I LOVE JAIME SO SO MUCH.

And…drumroll please…the one I’ve been saving for last because ZEE OHH EMM GEEE…

TYRIONNNNNNN!

I am going to squee so loud when I see Peter Dinklage on the screen again tonight that my whole house is going to echo, I swear. Poor Dumbcat’s going to be SO CONFUSED.

Yeah. I’m a little excited about my program, can you tell? Yep, it’s my program, much like Days of Our Lives is my grandmother’s program. Also, aren’t you glad you don’t live with me? I’m insufferable on Sunday nights. INSUFFERABLE.

I’m going to pre-emptively tell Ken to hush. If he’s read this far, he’s planning his sneak-attack of snark. He doesn’t care much for Game of Thrones. Really, he’s just lucky I like him so much, you know? That’s a fireable offense in some countries, I think.

OK, so April 1 is officially now to be known as Laptop Game of Thrones Day, and no longer April Fools’ Day. Thank you for your attention to this matter. How do we celebrate this occasion? Um. We…buy a laptop and watch Game of Thrones? And NO ONE fools ANYONE. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Happy Laptop Game of Thrones Day, everyone!


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