Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
Howdy! It’s April! And I made it through tax season in one piece, whoo-hoo! And here we are again, and your search terms continue to befuddle me. Or entertain me. Or sometimes make me a little bit squicked out. But they just keep a’comin’!
I’ve been in a tax-season fog for the past month. Seriously, it’s amazing to me how many things I missed. A friend of mine was in the hospital and I didn’t even KNOW. I’m distressed by that. I’m so hoping to get back into the swing of things now that my life is my own again. But the past month has been extreme tunnel vision: work, home, blog, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat. I do, however, seem to keep getting new readers. That just totally rings my bell, let me just tell you. So, in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the tenth one. As you can tell from the title. Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Oh, for many a reason. But probably for love. Probably, just like Nancy Wilson, I did it all for love. I mean, what other reason could there be? Oh, billions of other reasons? Oh, ok then. Carry on.
The search terms this month were actually more humorous and confusing than icky. I’m pleased with that development. HOWEVER, I think that means I’m not writing about en0ugh sex-related topics anymore. Am I totally disappointing you all? I’ll try to talk about sex before May’s over. Maybe. If you’re all really, really good. Or naughty. Your choice.
So ANYWAY, instead of addressing you all individually, which would take a TON of time and I WOULD like to do some other things tonight, like maybe the dishes, or water my one plant that I haven’t yet killed, I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. What? It’s GOOD. It’s a GOOD thing. Don’t be so weird. Everyone likes groups. They’re FUN. You can work as a TEAM and maybe make a team CHEER or something, I don’t know. IT WILL BE AWESOME.
Category the First: Sometimes search terms made me a sad panda
an open letter to my husband who watch gay porn Well, in good news: it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay. I’ve watched lesbian porn, and yet, still want men rather than women in my bed. It could just be curiosity. It could just be that he was bored and there was nothing else on. It could just be that watching sex in any form turns him on, even if he, at the end of the day, wants you. In not as good news: writing him an OPEN letter is just about the worst way to confront it you can choose. Talk to your husband. For the love of Pete, you married the guy. Discuss the porn. Discuss what it means. And if he’s gay? Well, shit happens, babe. The first guy I seriously fell for in college? Walked in on him having sex with my then-BFF. Another guy. IT HAPPENS. Move the hell on. Sexuality’s kind of fluid. It’s nothing personal. It doesn’t mean you’re broken and it doesn’t mean he’s rejecting you. It means you two weren’t meant to be, that’s all. Also? Maybe watch the gay porn. Those guys are purty.
either dying or pregnant Cripes, are those your only options? Probably neither, honey. Probably neither. But make a doctor’s appointment and get that shit checked out. Sheesh.
happy birthday dad even though we don’t know each other Aw, jeez. Why are you doing a Google search for this? That’s so sad! On so many levels! (Also, on a related note, I got SO MANY SEARCHES this month for “what to say to your father on his birthday.” So many people don’t know what to say, so they had to read my letter to my dad for ideas? I mean, I’m happy to help, but it makes me sad you needed my words. Use your OWN words. Aw, kiddos. Parent/child relationships never get much easier, do they? I’m sorry.
solving the mystery of my mom Again, aw! The mystery of your mom! That’s – well, kind of poetic, actually. My mom’s a mystery, too. I will never be able to solve why she still thinks watching The Waltons is the best use of her time, in 2012. Or why she always feels the need to criticize me in a weird passive-aggressive way. But, she’s my mom. You know? Moms are kind of weird. So are dads. It’s the way of the world. Don’t fret too much.
Category the Second: Pervy Search Terms (danger Will Robinson, because, ew)
abnormal self sucker Is there any other kind of self-sucker? One of my college friends told me this was every man’s dream, to be able to do this, because then he could be self-sufficient. I’m not going to pass judgment on that. Ooh, look. I totally talked about sex right there. Aren’t you so impressed, Ding Dong Joe?
Then I had a weird, very long paragraph about how the Dutch have no morals, so that’s why they like bestiality. I don’t know, either. I don’t understand how I keep getting these paragraph-long search terms. Also, just because they have all the weed, I don’t think the Dutch have no morals. I spent a very nice few days in Amsterdam in my early 20s, and the people there were lovely. And they seemed no less morally than anyone else. Even the ladies in the red light district were so friendly and nice. I loved Amsterdam.
beastiality pig boar stories erotic Ew ew ew what? Also, you spelled bestiality wrong.
Category the Third: Curiouser and Curiouser
“girl with the dragon tattoo” sex scene “but i’m old”
“you’re a great girl” finland
don’t ever call me april fool jokes
don’t worry about people they will die
hair did what does did mean?
sugar glider that’s dead on the side of the road
These are all very confusing. Are you too old to watch or read the sex scene in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo? Yeah, it’s horrible and it’s intense but it’s important for the plot, in my opinion. I know others disagree with me. I both laughed and was confused by “You’re a great girl” Finland. Are you breaking up with a Finnish lady? Because that’s totally the phrase one uses before a breakup. Or are you LOOKING for a great girl in Finland? Ask Andreas, maybe he can help. He’s moving soon. Don’t ever call me is a bad April Fools joke. Because that person may never call you again. April Fools is the suck. Hair what does did mean. I…I can’t even parse this sentence, to be frank. There’s no song in the musical Hair called “did.” Are you trying to say “what does IT mean?” And are you referring to the hair on your head, or the musical? I’d love to help you out if this is musical-related but I’m just bewildered. Don’t worry about people, they will die. Again, vague. Are you not worrying, because you think, in some strange cause-and-effect way, your worry CAUSES their death? Or are you all, “meh, why both worrying, they’re going to die anyway?” Either way, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Also, you shouldn’t be seeing dead sugar gliders on the side of the road. They’re not wild animals here. If you did, something’s afoot.
Category the Fourth: You sure do love the celebs
This month, the most popular searches, celebrity-wise, were:
Spencer Reid (5) – nice, but as always, HE IS MINE
Samantha Brick (5) – ugh, you can have her, she’s so weird. Did you all see she wrote a REBUTTAL to her article about how she was a pretty pretty princess saying that she’s a pretty pretty princess because her Daddy always told her she was beautiful and when everyone was SO MEAN after her article came out, Daddy told her they were just jealous haters and she’s the most beautiful girl in the world? Yeah, I’m all for daddies instilling positive body image in their daughters…but not completely inflated and incorrect body image. Don’t be absurd.
Benedict Cumberbatch (3) – again, well done, but MINE MINE MINE.
Ben Wyatt (2) – SIGH. Why are you trying to steal all my internet boyfriends, people? I’m totally disappointed in your stealing ways.
Category the Fifth: Things that made me snort-laugh.
“lucy’s football” why so judgy? “Random searcher” why so nosy? Also, I’m not overly judgy. Unless you’re an asshole.
airbrush unicorn van YES GET ONE PLEASE THANK YOU
april fools day pranks stupid They TOTALLY are. Good call, broheim.
call someone a messerschmitt I looked this up because I love all the German and apparently messerschmitt is just a last name, and a plane company, but if you want to break it down, it means knifesmith. So if you call someone a messerschmitt, you’re calling them either a German last name, a plane, or a knifesmith. None of these is a good thing to call someone. I learned a naughty German cuss from Ken the other day but I won’t say it because naughty (but also the MOST fun) but if you knew THAT you could call them THAT. I know, totally unhelpful.
dwight shrute byronic hero Ha! Kind of, actually. Not a bad call. Also, what is WITH me, I’m totally finding Dwight more and more attractive lately. I AM BROKEN HELP.
everyone i know is an assassin Me too, random searcher. Me, too. Or a spy. Or a psychokiller.
i can sleep you’re not touch me Grammar aside, this is totally something I would say to someone, were they to spend the night. “No, it’s ok. I can sleep. As long as you don’t touch me.”
i’m sorry baby i hate you Are you sorry? Probably not really. This is the worst apology ever. Also, people calling other people “baby” all the time makes me SO EFFING STABBY. They do this all the time on The Amazing Race and I want to punch them through the television screen.
liebchen + cake This is another one I totally Google translated for you. Are you so happy? And it’s ADORABLE. You’re going to throw up in your mouth a little. Ready? “Little love.” AW. And also YAK. This would be cute for, like, a grandpa to call his granddaughter, but not as cute for the pervy dude on the bus to call you when he was all rubbing up against you for no reason. I have no idea what’s up with the cake part of this search so don’t ask. I was hoping you’d forget that part.
lucy no good woman Yep. Sounds about right.
mules i have known stories I WANT TO HEAR SOME OF THESE STORIES. So do my readers, based on the response from the Helper Mule saga. WHAT ARE THE STORIES.
my mama told me son please be beare there this thing called love and its every where Please be “beare?” Is that to make this rhyme with “everywhere?” Are you writing bad verse in my searches? This doesn’t even make SENSE. I am CONFUSED. And also giggling a little. “There this thing called love!” Hee.
no one pays me in gum sad owl I think someone wanted a meme smooshing up the sad owl and the “no one pays me in gum” guy but it’s not a thing. I could make it a thing. But I don’t want to. It’s dumb. But I will give you this. It’s my favorite sad meme. Ready?
I love this so much that I have it hanging on my fridge. NO PONY. NOT YOURS.
oh randy randy randy, thank you randy Um. That’s effusive! And an odd thing to search, honestly.
staged readings are useless theatre Ha! Well, they’re not USELESS. They’re not my FAVORITE form of theater, but calling them useless is kind of harsh. Would I rather see a fully staged production? Sure. But staged readings have their place. I’m just glad you have strong feelings about theater, my searchy friend. Come back again, will you?
we have to be careful when talking in secret YES WE DO. Why, are we talking in secret? Do we have a secret? That’s sexy-fun-good-times, no? Was I being too loud? I often am. I’m so sorry. Please don’t break up our secret whatever-it-is-we-have-here.
yoda riding a unicorn I WANT A PHOTO OF THIS RIGHT NOW.
Here’s the best I could do. I found a Yoda riding a cat, too, but that’s not what was asked for.
Category the Sixth: No no no. STERN FACE.
darius rucker promised you dad not to do the things you do the first time I saw this I was SO MAD. I was all, “That’s the COWARD of the COUNTY. That’s not a Darius Rucker song. That’s a KENNY ROGERS song. What planet are you from? Hootie probably wasn’t even BORN when that came out.” Then I researched it. And for the love of all that’s holy, Darius Rucker recently covered “The Coward of the County.” UGH NO NO NO. No need. It’s PERFECT the way it is. NO NEED NO NEED.
Category the Seventh: Way to go, Rude McRuderson.
frigid bitch Um, ok, yeah, I can totally be a bitch. But I’m not really all that frigid? And I don’t know what empirical testing you used to come up with this conclusion? Thanks, jackhole.
Category the Eighth: Thanks? I think?
i love lucys football That’s nice! Unless you’re a killer. Then, that’s creepy, cut that out.
Category the Ninth: Stop asking me to do your homework for you. I WILL NOT.
imaginary what does loyalty look like, smell like, taste like, feel like and sound like Now, come on. This question’s so subjective you could answer just about anything and any teacher worth his or her salt would give you full marks. STOP ASKING THE INTERNET TO ANSWER YOUR HOMEWORK QUESTIONS. Use your brainpan. If you don’t use it, it will die. Do you want your brainpan to die? Well, DO YOU?
think about something you would like to buy write a paragraph to tell about ways you can be thrifty so you can save enough money to buy it use key words and spelling words OK, now, this is just sad. How would the interwebs know what your key words and spelling words even ARE? Again, this is NOT HARD. You need to use your brains, people. USE THEM. Or they’re going to ATROPHY and one day you will SNEEZE and they will run right out of your nose. Do you think that’s true? Well, you’d know if it was or not if you USED YOUR BRAIN ONCE AND A WHILE.
Category the Tenth: Still sneaky and still going strong!
Seven sneaky fucker searches this month, and five for feline fatal attraction. I want this on my tombstone. It is my CLAIM to FAME. SO PROUUUUD.
Yikes. I’m glad I’m going on vacation next week. This week’s blogging is EXHAUSTING me. Whoo!
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)