Category Archives: fall tv lineup

Can you ever just be whelmed? I think you can in Europe.

I spent about two hours today investigating my options for television viewing in the fall. Have I mentioned I’m unemployed? Because, yes. That is something one does, when one is unemployed. Spends a lot of time investigating television viewing options.

Then I thought, huh, remember last year I made all kinds of lists of the shows I was super-excited about and such? Just for fun, let’s see how they fared this past season.

Ringer

There wasn’t much sexy about this show. Sorry, CW, but this is false advertising.

CANCELLED.

Meh. Not good; the writing was kind of terrible and soapy; the acting was awful (what’s going on with Sarah Michelle Gellar? Was I only imagining she was good on Buffy? No. A LOT of people liked Buffy. So it wasn’t just Buffy. I guess I have to blame the writing on Ringer.) Also, NOT ENOUGH JASON DOHRING. I’m not done with the season – since my man Dohring’s in it, I of course will finish the season – but if you’ve got someone like Jason Dohring in your cast, you USE him. For more than random “I AM A TEACHER!” scenes. (Which, let’s be honest, he’s wonderful in, but there are so FEW of them.) It’s far from the worst show on television or anything, but I’m not surprised it was cancelled.

Aw, look at my Jason Dohring in his little teachery vesty-vest! SO ADORABLE.

Terra Nova

This makes it look exciting. Lies, I tell you. Lies.

CANCELLED (they *say* they’re shopping it to other networks, but they always say such things, don’t they?)

Again, big fat meh. I watched three episodes of this and just totally gave up. Maybe it got better, I don’t know. Don’t care. A lot of times it was too dark to see anything; the dinosaurs weren’t too bad, but the plot was as boring as hell; and I didn’t have a single character I was rooting for. Life’s too short for bad television. I didn’t want to give it any more episodes. I just didn’t care enough.

Once Upon a Time

NOT cancelled!

I think this did pretty well. At least, from what I can tell from the internet buzz. And it got renewed. I ran out of time to watch it last season so am attempting to catch up on this over the summer so I can watch it next season. I liked it well enough. I didn’t LOVE it, but I liked it well enough. It’s light enough entertainment. And it’s pretty. I like pretty.

Grimm

(surprisingly) NOT cancelled!

I was SURE that since I liked this so much, it would be cancelled. Because it was everything I liked (dark, broody, bloody, intelligent) and that usually means, buh-BYE, show! But no! It apparently did well enough – on a Friday night, no less! – that they’re bringing it back for a second season! For some odd reason, it’s coming back on August 15 (WTF?) so, as I’m WAY behind on it, I have about 3/4 of the season to catch up on in 10 days. I’m going to be immersed in Grimm for the next week and a half. There are worse things to be immersed in. I like it a lot. Also, I’m really digging Silas Weir Mitchell as Monroe. A whole damn lot.

Aw, Monroe!

American Horror Story

TATE! So glad they’re bringing Evan Peters back. He’s wonderful.

NOT cancelled!

Whoo-hoo! On to season two! I loved the first season of this show SO MUCH. I can’t imagine season two will be anywhere near as good as season one was – usually shows like this should have thrown in the towel after one season, so they can remain bright and shiny in our minds – but I’ll remain optimistic. Season two is set in a mental institution in the sixties. Well, that already sounds creeptastic, doesn’t it? And some of my favorite actors from season one – Evan Peters, Jessica Lange, Lily Rabe, SYLAR, will be returning for the season (but in different roles, which is an interesting twist.) I’ll be there, American Horror Story. Don’t you worry. I’ll be there.

In looking at next season…I am underwhelmed, honestly. Not with the returning shows – most of my favorite shows were renewed, if not moved around to different days a little – but with the new shows. It’s a season of very stupid comedies and procedurals. There are one a couple that stood out as a little different, and even those…come on, networks, you can’t do better than this?

The ones I’m most excited about – please note, “excited” is in kind of weak air-quotes, here, because I can’t say that I’m overly excited about any of these:

Revolution

A group of people attempt to survive and reunite with loved ones in a world where all forms of energy have mysteriously ceased to exist.

I don’t know what this even means. No forms of energy? So…aren’t WE kind of forms of energy? Like, we eat food, it turns to energy, yeah? Wouldn’t ALL forms of energy assume WE TOO ARE DEAD? Did I just solve this show? Anyway, I like apocalypse-style dramas, if they’re done well. And J.J. Abrams from Lost and Eric Kripke from Supernatural are involved in this one. So I’ll give it a shot. This energy thing is confusing, though, I have to admit. Like, are their fires? Because those are a form of energy. The internet tells me SOUND is a form of energy. So is the whole show silent? This is going to be like that terrible movie with Toothy McTom Cruise War of the Worlds where all the power stopped except, randomly, one guy’s video camera, right? I’m a little worried, let’s be frank.

Elementary

Another (sigh, yes, yes, I know) Sherlock Holmes reboot.

I know. There’s absolutely no need for this. But you know the States – something’s doing well in another country? WE WILL DO IT HERE!  IT WILL BE AWESOME!!!1! I like Sherlock Holmes, I like Jonny Lee Miller, and I’m curious if it’s worthwhile. I’m guessing it won’t be, but it’s worth a shot, at least. (Watson is a LADY. Played by Lucy Liu. But the producers PROMISE Holmes and Watson won’t do any sexual crime-solving. I’ll believe it when I see it.)

666 Park Avenue

A Midwestern couple get hired to manage a swanky New York apartment building, but all the residents have sold their souls to the Devil to get their wishes to come true.

This sounds cheesy, but totally fun. And if it’s done well, it could be good. There’s a lot of opportunity for stories in a high-rise building, and I like devil-things. NO NOT LIKE I’M A DEVIL-WORSHIPPER. If they’re done well (i.e., funny, like in Reaper, or scary/creepy/a little campy, like in Supernatural) I’m totally down with the Devil on my TV. (Or, again, if done well, in movies. The Exorcist? SCARIEST MOVIE EVER. Also, book, which I read way too young, and twisted my little kiddo-brain.  I haven’t seen that movie in…let’s see, probably 15 years? Maybe a couple more? And HAVE NOT WATCHED IT AGAIN SINCE. TOO SCARY.) So, this has potential. Might be ok. Might be silly. We’ll see.

And…um…that’s it? There are a couple that look interesting that are randomly on the TV Guide website but they’re not on the fall schedule. Like something called Cult that has Robert Knepper from Prison Break, and one called The Following about a whole damn CULT of serial killers. Why aren’t they on the schedule? Weird. Wait, I will research. Ah, ok, so Cult is midseason and The Following is a SECRET that I can’t find ANYWHERE even though it’s got freakin’ Kevin BACON in it, what the hell? Why so secretive, Fox?

I like that random smiling kid in the corner. I’ve decided HE’S the serial killer.

There are plenty of returning shows I’m keen on – don’t worry, there will always be more than enough shows for Amy to watch, no worries there, I can ALWAYS find something to watch, I’m a BOSS at rotting my brain – but it is sad that there are only three new shows and two new shows with NO REAL RELEASE DATE that I’m even slightly jazzed about? Hmm. Worrisome, networks. Very worrisome.

Oh, well. If nothing else: we have THIS to look forward to in 2013. SIGH TIMES A BILLION.

Sherlock! Season 3! 2013!!!!


In the dark night of the soul, it is very hard to see what is trying to eat your face.

This is kind of going to be a random crap Friday. That should become a thing. RANDOM CRAP FRIDAY! For when your brain is so fried from the rest of the week that you can’t concentrate on one thing! But really, when you look over my posts, you see that a lot of them are Random-Crap-Whatever-Day-It-Was-At-The-Time so really Random Crap Friday wouldn’t so much be a “thing” as it would be “just another day where I have too much crap to talk about.” 

IF I CAN’T SEE IT, IT ISN’T SCARY 

Wednesday night, I started watching Insidious. And it scared the CRAP out of me. It was a horror movie done well. A slow-burn, scary children, creepy things happening, stuff jumping out at you, frightening violin music, probably the devil, horror movie. NICE. Plus ONE, Insidious. Then I had to turn it off about halfway through, for two reasons: one, because two shows I wanted to watch were coming on, and two, because I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I watched the rest of it. 

So last night, when it was still light out, I turned on the second half, because I am a big baby. And the second half of Insidious? WAS STUPID. 

Here’s the thing. (Don’t worry. No spoilers. Unless you consider film values to be spoilery.) Horror movie people? I get that the dark is inherently scary. I totally get that. Things aren’t as scary in the light as they are in the dark, either in movies, or in real life. But if you make a movie SO DARK that you can’t see what it is the character is reacting/screaming to or fighting with? THAT IS NOT SCARY. It’s really just frustrating. I spent about an hour having this monologue with the movie. 

“Ooh, don’t go in there. Why would you go in there? That seems like a stupid move. Why don’t you have a flashlight? Well, it’s totally pitch-black in there. Good call. Why are you screaming? What do you see? Because I can’t see anything. Is something touching you? How would I know that since I’m not you? I mean, I can’t see anything. My television screen is just black from corner to corner, with screams coming out of the speakers. Oh, there, you’re back in the light. Good. WHY ARE YOU GOING BACK INTO THE DARK YOU HAVE NO IMPETUS TO DO SO. Oh, good. Well, I can’t see again. Ah, a total surprise you’re screaming again. Maybe you have Tourette’s. Do you think you have Tourette’s? And you just scream like it’s a tic? I don’t know. I mean, there totally could be a demon waiting to eat your face hanging from the ceiling, but I wouldn’t know, and neither would you, because it’s like the pit of blackness in your kid’s bedroom. Why don’t you have some nightlights up in there or something? Someone could stub a toe. OH GOOD MORE SCREAMING. THIS IS A TOTALLY FULFILLING MOVIE EXPERIENCE.” 

Maybe if you have a better television or DVD player than I do, you would have a better experience with this movie, I don’t know. It was fairly good up until I couldn’t see things. Then it wasn’t so good. But maybe it would have remained good if I could see what was happening? Probably it was a masterpiece, but I wouldn’t know. 

And it’s not just Insidious that’s like this. This is a problem with a lot of current horror movies. I just can’t see anything. Is it because the special effects are awful and you know I won’t be scared so you don’t want me to see them too closely so you make it really dark? I get that, because remember in Signs (why am I talking about Signs so much lately? That’s odd) when you were SO SCARED of the aliens until you SAW the aliens and then you thought, hmm, that looks like a prize from the bottom of a cereal box and isn’t even the least bit scary? That’s all anyone could talk about once that movie came out. Which was sad because it’s still one of my favorite movies ever. Whatever, I don’t judge YOUR taste in movies, so shut it, Sparky. 

Also, while we’re talking about it, stop making me want to see movies I know are going to be a steaming pile of garbage, production companies. I am specifically talking about Paranormal Activity 3. Now, when Paranormal Activity came out, I was SO STOKED to watch this. This looked AWESOME. Like the Blair Witch Project all grown up. I was so excited. People said it was the scariest movie they’d seen all year! Then I watched it. 

Well, either I’m broken and jaded, or it was garbage, because here’s my review of Paranormal Activity in a nutshell. I feel like I don’t have to tell you spoiler alert because it’s like 4 years old or something, right? Paranormal Activity is a movie about two people that about 5 minutes in you want to see murdered in completely bloody and creative ways that keep filming themselves for no reason anyone can ascertain and then things happen to them that aren’t even in the least bit scary, but only like a handful of things, and the rest of the movie is them SNIPING AT EACH OTHER. CONSTANTLY. It is THE MOST AWFUL THING EVER. It’s like Ghost Adventures if Zak was dating one of his fellow adventurers and they had a falling-out. It’s so, so bad. It’s “fighting fighting fighting something falls off a table kind of mysteriously and it might even just have been gravity fighting fighting in a whiny-ass voice fighting there’s a photo in the attic that shouldn’t be there fighting fighting loud unexplained noises fighting oh look a knife now it’s over.” I honestly think painting my nails and clipping coupons would have made for a more enjoyable two hours. 

So Paranormal Activity 2 kind of came and went, and I of course had no interest in it (the only thing I remember about it is I think it had something to do with a haunted baby and in the trailer they kept saying the baby’s name over and over in a stupid and repetitive way) and then the trailers for Paranormal Activity 3 started airing and DAMMIT they look really good. But I will not be suckered! It will be GARBAGE. Even though the early reviews I read say it’s actually pretty good I WILL NOT BE FOOLED PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3. Also? Do you know who the directors are? Those dorks that made Catfish. We TALKED about Catfish. It was a TRICK. I AM NOT GOING TO BE FOOLED BY YOU CATFISH DORKS! 

On a happier horror-related note, I am LOVING American Horror Story. Yes, I know, a lot of people think it’s cheesy and borrows way too much from other horror tropes and what have you. I get that. And as a huge horror fan, I am aware of the horror it’s borrowing from. But I don’t mind. It’s innovative, it’s a cool thing to have on television, it’s bloody, it has some genuine scares (tell me you didn’t jump a little at the beginning of the second episode with the killer and the nurses! That was SO AWESOMELY SCARY!), it has some excellent performances (I am NOT looking at you, Connie Britton, but I AM looking at you, Jessica Lange), it’s creative, and it has a lot of stories to tell that keep it fresh. Absolute kudos to you, Ryan Murphy. I look forward to this every single week. 

PRESENT! 

So remember we talked about the fancy restaurant and how they had super-swanky salt-and-pepper shakers there and I wanted to put them in my purse SO BAD but my father was not all that approving of me stealing them because he thought probably they’d arrest me because they were worth more than my  house? Well, one of my readers, Duncan, who MIGHT just be the coolest of the cool, wrote and offered to send me swanky salt and pepper shakers OF MY VERY OWN. Well! Since I am currently working with a salt shaker from the dollar store that was in my Christmas stocking a few years ago and it has a dented top from the time I dropped it on my foot, and a pepper shaker which is just the tin container that the pepper comes in, I of COURSE jumped all OVER this. Who knew that when you are a SUPER FAMOUS BLOGGER you get presents? I mean, people like The Bloggess get presents, but me? Well, if I had known that, I would have started blogging YEARS ago. Anyway, Duncan, Duncan’s friend Rennie, and an unnamed friend who I cannot thank but I’m sure is also awesome, sent the package out last week, and the package with my salt and pepper shakers is (I think – what else would it be, it’s not like I get a lot of mail) waiting for me at the theater, where I will be going tonight to attend a pre-critique of our next show. I AM SO EXCITED YOU GUYS I CAN’T EVEN. A present! A present I do not deserve but am getting anyway from a COMPLETE STRANGER! I think this kind of means I HAVE FANS! This is SO MUCH BETTER than the time this guy I barely knew gave me a basketball jersey that was three sizes too small “because it looked like something you might like” and I am still totally confused about that. I will report back sometime this weekend with MANY PHOTOS detailing my swag. SO SO EXCITED. 

YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF HORNDOGS 

If I had known earlier that I would get more blog hits than ANYONE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER by doing a post about handsome men that I want to boff, I would have done it MONTHS ago. Seriously, I had more site hits yesterday than I have since I moved over to WordPress. This made me just joyous. Who doesn’t love handsome men? Also, this seems to prove my point that I have a lot of female and gay male readers. Oh, and maybe also pervs who want to hear about me getting it on. YOU ARE ALL WELCOME HERE. Even you, pervs. But keep it in your pants. No one wants to see that, ok? 

DON’T TASE ME, BRO 

This isn’t so much part of Random Crap Friday as it is something that made me snort lemonade through my nose the other night, but the local news station did a report about how the New York State Police are abusing tasers (as in, tasing people all over the place for no reason, not like snorting them or something), and in the beginning of the local news show that airs from 8-9pm, the anchor (who I like very much, she is very serious, and sometimes gets very sarcastic and mean in a funny way) was teasing stories that were upcoming, and looked at the camera very seriously and said, “Don’t tase me, bro. New York State police are abusing the use of tasers…” AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN SMILE. And the photo card thing she was voicing over SAID “Don’t Tase Me Bro” on it LIKE IT WAS A SERIOUS TAG LINE. I loved that so hard. How can you say “Don’t tase me bro” without laughing? AWESOME. 

WEDDING TIP! WEDDING TIP! 

No, of course I didn’t forget! This might be the last wedding tip that Kickass McGee reads before she becomes a Mrs.! So of course it needs to be a doozy! 

Today’s tip: Watch out for strangely feminine gardeners with all the manure and an axe to grind

Paraphrased, per Snopes

An Australian woman, upset that her long-term boyfriend had dumped her and then two months later was getting married to who SHOULD have been his rebound girl, disguised herself with a false beard and moustache and masqueraded as a gardener to get into his wedding. Once there, armed with a bucket of wet cow manure, she found her ex surrounded by friends and therefore inaccessible, so decided to dump the manure on his bride, ruining her dress. 

Well, first, I have to wonder, what the hell, Australia? First you had the kerfuffle with the kookaburras, and now manure-flinging? And second, you go, manure-flinger! Way to commit to a plan! Listen, you guys, she DRESSED UP as a gardener. I mean, she didn’t just wait outside for them to get into the limo, or something. She put on a little COSTUME. This is DEDICATION, right here. 

Kickass McGee! Please speak to your intended and be sure that he has no angry exes who have nefarious plans like manure-flinging, because I don’t want to have to come there and kick anyone’s ass for ruining your big day. Because I would, Kickass McGee. I totally would. Maybe put someone on bouncer duty at the entrance, and have them tug on all the moustaches, or something? That would weed out the people just DRESSED as gardeners. Or have them feel the gardeners for tits. That’d also work. Downside to both of those plans: real gardeners, or female gardeners, might punch them. Best to not have your wedding anywhere garden-y, I’d think. 

Happy weekend, all!


They’ll give cameraphones to anyone. Seriously. Even people who use them inappropriately.

I have spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME screwing around when there are important things that need to be discussed today, you guys. Totally important things. So many important things, I’m going to list them, in a fancy list fashion. Because I’m fancy! Like a tea party or a eyelet dresser scarf with crystal perfume bottles arranged on it JUST SO!

ZOMBIES ARE COMING AND I HAVE PROOF

OK, I know, EVERYONE’S all “zombies are coming! They’re almost HERE! They’re getting CLOSER now!” like the Monster Shouter in The Stand. I know. But I totally have irrefutable PROOF for you that they’re coming because I saw CREEPY GRAFFITI that PROVES it.

Well, it could also prove a lot of things, or nothing, but I totally took it as zombies. But let’s face it, I have zombies on the brain. Tonight, you guys, TONIGHT! The Walking Dead Season Two! Why are you not more excited? I think you might be broken.

Here’s the scoop, so you know that you’ll have to start working on your zombie preparedness kits. I work on Saturdays at an answering service, as I’ve mentioned, because I’m a poor person. Wait, I’m totally the 99%, right? I SHOULD BE PROTESTING. Wait, if I took time out to protest I’d lose my jobs and therefore my home and everything I own and I’d end up living in the dumpster behind the Dunkin’ Donuts. (Because listen, if I’m going to live in a dumpster, it’s going to be a good one. That’s probably a nice dumpster. And there’d be donuts! Only kind of gross ones!) So anyway, back on track. I know, get to the zombies. Hold your horses, buckaroo. So on one of my breaks this weekend, I was in the parking lot and looked across the street at the kind of abandoned nail salon/sell your gold place next door (yeah, they did both, and they’ve been closed for a month and are supposed to open again November 8th but I have my doubts. Also, they seem obsessed with lawn ornaments, and currently have a huge goose with a Pomeranian beside it, as if the goose is WALKING the Pomeranian, and this makes me laugh. Also one of those racist jockey statues which does not make me laugh) and noticed odd graffiti on the concrete wall of their parking lot. And then I realized, well, that’s it then! ZOMBIES.

…and you totally can’t see that at all. Listen, I TRIED. I zoomed in and EVERYTHING. And when I got home, I even tried cropping and shit. But it did not matter. This shows you what a bad photographer I am.

So trust me when I tell you that this says “2012 EXPECT US.” Also there’s a question mark in a box. I decided that’s one of those hobo marks (online someone called them “hoboglyphs” and I like that very much) that I read about once that told hobos in olden times what houses had good stew and what ones would poke you with sticks and such. But when I researched it I found NO INFORMATION THAT BACKED UP THAT THEORY. Zombies are VERY TRICKY INDEED. I DID find that a box with a dot in it means danger and two boxes interlocked means fear. So the box itself? Totally scary. The question mark, I don’t know, maybe scary fear? Zombie scary fear???

I also thought maybe they were trying to cast an Expecto Patronum spell but were doing it wrong, but that isn’t nearly as much fun for me as zombies.

So I think you’ll all agree that “EXPECT US” can’t mean anything but zombies. I mean, come on, I researched HOBOGLYPHS, here, people. Stock up on canned goods and bullets, because zombiegeddon’s coming in 3-15 months!

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING IN MY WORK ASHTRAY
(also)
STILL LIFE WITH FORK AND HO HO 

OK, so ALSO on my break, I went to my car and then was checking my phone outside and then looked down on my way in so I didn’t trip over anything and saw something so weird and distressing (but non-zombie-related, so don’t worry, you still have a little time for canned good hoarding) that I OF COURSE had to ALSO take a photo of it. And this one turned out prettier. If by “prettier” you mean “Amy, you seriously need to stop taking pictures of garbage.”

Now, listen, my job is kind of really gross. It’s in an old moldy bank, and one time this summer we got infested with the kind of flies that only hatch on dead bodies (yeah, we investigated it) and also there are weird smells and a sinkhole under the sink (how’s THAT for irony!) and no one understands the “washing your hands after using the restroom” signs so mostly they just use them to draw penises on. So totally gross. I kind of always want to burn my clothes after each shift.

Also yesterday, the words “I can’t get that up, ma’am. NO I CAN’T GET IT UP” passed my lips, much to the delight of my coworkers. It was not in reference to a lady-boner. But after my shift today I can guarantee you I wasn’t getting that up either.

So, yes, anyway. Imagine my dismay when I noticed these in the ashtray on my lunch break (and yes, the ashtray is a planter filled with wet sand, I told you, WE ARE FANCY):

Oh, what’s that? You can’t see what those are? WELL! You’ll be totally glad I zoomed in, then, WON’T YOU.

SOMEONE TOTALLY PUT CONDOMS IN THE ASHTRAY.

But here’s the confusing part. Unopened! Unopened, unused condoms! Did they give up on ever getting some? Did they totally commit to getting their girl pregnant? Did they have a fight with the Magnum people? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. Also? You can’t see it? But there’s a garbage can literally two steps away from this. Like, if I hadn’t zoomed in on this weirdness, you’d see the trash can. I don’t get this. Was it an advertisement for their studliness? Was it an elaborate joke? WHY IN THE ASHTRAY?

Last year this was on the floor under my cubicle one day over there, which was also confusing:

It was a Ho Ho? And a fork? The Ho Ho was still in the wrapper. And the fork was on it, like someone was juuuust about to have a snack and then they were raptured. Oh, the note? Yeah, no, that wasn’t there. I put that there. For the photo. There was too much brown otherwise. Also, I left the entire tableau there when I left for the day, because I thought it would crack up another employee randomly, and the laughs are few and far between at that place.

The problems with this were multitudinous, but the biggest were, a., who leaves an uneaten Ho Ho? And b., who eats Ho Hos with a FORK?

SOMETHING THAT TICKLED ME PINK TODAY

People still say that, right? Well, I don’t care. It did.

OK, I have been playing with this thing for the past half an hour while I should have been finishing up this blog post AND IT HAS NOT ONCE BEEN WRONG. And the minute I finish up here I’m going to play with it MORE. It is AWESOME. It knows ALL of my favorite things. Seriously. It got Bernadette Peters. Who the hell even remembers who she IS anymore except for me? SO MUCH FUN. Except sometimes it’s a little wrong? And it took forever to guess NPH, and at first, thought I meant Jensen Ackles? And when I clicked on the “Details” button, it thought I should have answered “yes” to “is your character a Hasidic Jew.” Unless I’m totally off-base, I don’t think NPH is a Hasidic Jew. I could be wrong! But I think the media would have picked up on that by now, no?

PEER PRESSURE 1, ME 0

So I signed up for Tumblr because EVERYONE’S on Tumblr and surprise, it seems like a lot of fun. So I guess I should have been jumping off all of those bridges and trying all of that angel dust all along, MOM. So, yeah, if you’re on Tumblr and you want to be my fuh-reeeend, link’s over there on the right. I don’t know what I’ll say yet. Probably profane stuff. I posted a picture of Edgar Allen Poe with cusses all OVER it. Digging it already, even though I’m not sure how it works totally yet.

I LIKE SHOUTING

A blogger who will remain unnamed recently posted her “rules of blogging.” And one of them was, “What’s with all the caps? That’s “shouting,” people. And it’s rude.” HEY. You know what? I KNOW WHAT IT IS. And you know what else? HONEY BADGER DON’T GIVE A SHIT. (LOOK OUT SAYS THAT BIRD.) Here’s the thing. I know how to use italics. I know they’re the classy person’s way of emphasizing something. Thing is? They don’t usually put across JUST HOW EXCITED AND/OR PERTURBED I am. Also, I shout a lot in real life. I don’t ITALICIZE a lot in real life. How would one even DO that? With a monocle and spats? I’m not classy. Can’t even pretend to be. Why bother? I’m gonna SHOUT ON HERE, Fancy Mc Bloggamuffin. And if you don’t like it and think I should be using my inside voice and my coasters and taking off my shoes so I don’t track mud all up in this bitch then I’m pretty sure that little x at the top right-hand corner will take you far, far away from this bastion of hopelessness. Who named you queen of blogging etiquette? Because I find it equally rude when someone tells other people what to do, so are we at an impasse now, or what? Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to put my feet up on the table and pick my teeth with my fingernail. WHILE SHOUTING. Multi-tasky!

Have a lovely Sunday, everyone! I’m off to see Ragtime. Nothing like racism, Harry Houdini, and a girl on a swing to perk up an autumn Sunday!


I H8 to tell you but I watched H8R last night. It was about as good as you might expect.

 

This day has just about killed me but I have so much work to do I’m pretty sure my office would reanimate me and have my zombie corpse chained to my desk so I could do MORE work, is how bad it’s been. But shh, I’m sneaking in for a minute. 

So far, fall television has been a huge son, I am disappoint.

I’ve watched four new shows – one of which I KNEW would be awful but the shows I was PLANNING to watch in that time slot weren’t on because somehow I got my wires crossed, I don’t know, so I had time and it was on – and none of them were all that impressive. Remember how the other day I said that right before the fall season started, it was like Christmas Eve? Well, it’s early Christmas morning, and so far all I’ve unwrapped are some really boring educational DVDs and a hat that doesn’t fit correctly. Oh, and a bag of crazy. 

Ringer wasn’t the worst thing ever. It was fine. The special effects were horrendous, though. Who thought they were ok? Someone ok’d these? Really? Because I’m pretty sure Icould do better with the video camera in my cell phone. I would be embarrassed if I was the person who was presenting this to the public. Also, it’s very,very hard for me to imagine Sarah Michelle Gellar in peril, because it’s Buffy, you know? I’m just wondering why she isn’t kicking the bad guy’s asses and snarking at them. It’s disconcerting. Oh, also, Jason Dohring WASN’T EVEN IN THE FIRST EPISODE. Um, this is very worrisome, why would you do that to me, Ringer? It’s early yet, though, so I’ll give it another go. 

The NBC comedies Up All Night and Free Agents were…um…well, to be kind, they weren’t the worst things I’ve ever seen ever in the history of ever! That’s nice, right? Here’s my problem with them. First, Up All Night. Not that funny, first off. Will Arnett should only play his typical stupid/smart characters, because I don’t know if he can pull off anything else. Maya Rudolph was funny, but it’s just her Saturday Night Live Oprah character, so it seems like a rip-off. And the show’s kind of stupid. Free Agents – well, listen, I have always had a crush on Hank Azaria, and there are a lot of good actors crammed into this series, but it’s just not very good. It’s actually pretty stupid. I guess you could turn the sound off and just stare at Hank Azaria, but that seems like a waste of half an hour. So will I watch them again? Probably not. I don’t see them getting much better. 

Now for the bag of crazy. When I tell you the title, you’re going to say, well! OF COURSE IT WAS INSANE WHAT DID YOU EXPECT. I was curious, give me a break. H8R? I almost want to say that title in a small voice and run away from you, I’m so embarrassed Iwatched this thing. Ok, premise is, Mario Lopez pretends to interview everyday people for a reality show and part of the interview is “blast off about one celebrity you hate more than anything and BE DESCRIPTIVE.” (They don’t say that, I added that part, but it seems to be the subtext.) So on video, we have some schmo going on and on and on about how much they hate some celebrity like, oh, I don’t know, Snookie. Then Mario Lopez shows the video TO Snookie, who he is apparently close personal friends with. And then Snookie CONFRONTS the h8r (I think I might be contractually bound to spell it like that) in his or her natural habitat. The h8r is shaken when confronted by his or her asshattery, but continues to act like an asshat because it would totally look like he or she was losing face if he or she just backed down and said “Sorry, Snookie, I don’t know you at all and was just blasting, as you do, on a celebrity that seems annoying!” Then – THEN! – Snookie took the h8r grocery shopping (…I don’tknow either?) and they bonded a little, then she cooked dinner for his whole family, and at the end of the dinner, she said, “Are you still a h8r?” and he said “NO SNOOKIE I AM A LOVER” and she wooo-ed and all was well. 

The second segment was similar only stupider, because it was a girl with spotted hair (no, seriously, is this a thing? I will have to find you a graphic. She had white-blond hair with leopard-like spots running down one side of it.) 

Well, this isn’t a very good photo and also what’s with this chick’s emo eyeliner and such and I can’t find a better one so I guess the H8R was on the cutting edge of stupid. But it was like this, only the spots were BIGGER and only on one SIDE and VERY PRONOUNCED. And no one mentioned it? At all? In the whole episode? So that struck me as odd. 

So anyway, Spotty hated, hated, HAAAATED Jake Pavelka from The Bachelor. I don’t know anything about The Bachelor. I don’t watch it. I don’t care about dating shows. Well, except for Rock of Love. Now THAT was a dating show. Yowza. So awesomely filled with whoredom. Anyway. She went on for a while about how awful he was and then the worst part – “I heard he was probably GAY!” she said, in a shocked tone. Hmm. That WOULD be upsetting, because then he would have been MISREPRESENTING HIMSELF ON A DATING SHOW OMG. The only thing worse than that would be if he lied about the “journey” he was taking while on the show. Because isn’t that just the best? When they talk about being on a “journey?” It doesn’t at all make you want to vomit until you’re sore. 

So Mario gleefully showed Jake the footage and Jake got all sad and teary-eyed (honestly, he seemed like kind of a whine-ass, but he was pretty as all get-out) and then confronted Spotty at some spa she was at but first played a trick on her where he pretended to be hitting on her and being a douche and she was totally turned on by him but pretending not to be, so it wa sall of a sudden very sad. Because you could see WHY she hated Jake. Because he was every guy who’d ever turned Spotty down ever. And Spotty was actually quite pretty, if you did something about her horrendous hairstyle. Then Mario popped out of a potted plant or something and kind of strong-armed Spotty into going on a date with Jake which was kind of like one of the dates on The Bachelor, where they drove around aimlessly getting to know one another in an SUV and then went on a plane. And she was very cold but you could TELL she dug him but was just being a dick because she was getting revenge on whoever had hurt her in the past. And then –because Jake is a big old pretty weirdo – he took her to the Bachelor house, I guess to show off and be all, “Lookie what I can do, take you to a famous place because I am a very famous person!” and she was pissed (and this time, rightfully so, because it was so douchey of him.)  

OK, now THE BEST PART. He sat her down and started just spewing all over about his childhood, and how he never felt like his father loved him, and how this affected him throughout his life, and how her being a h8r really bothered him because of it, and she’s watching him all confused because HE IS TOTALLY CRYING, and then he says “I’ve never told anyone any of this before.” Really. REALLY? Then why are you telling a total stranger who just blasted you to the whole world and hates you so much? YOU ARE A WEIRD REALITY SHOW WEIRDO WITH AMAZING BONE STRUCTURE WHO IS TOTALLY SAD. She then just kind of wandered off and he realized that his daddy was never going to love him so he slammed some doors and then they separated and as she drove off she said, “I was a h8r before and I’m a H8R NOW!!!!” 

THIS SHOW IS AWFUL. 

At the end, they showed the celebrities who were going to be on the rest of the season, and I recognized three of them. And there were about ten of them. The three I recognized were Kim Kardashian, Janice Dickinson, and Eva Longoria. Then they said their names and one of them was the asshole who does the Girls Gone Wild videos. Is there anyone who LIKES this guy? I bet even his MOTHER thinks he’s a exploitative douchecanoe. And there was one guy who looked like he was made of wax and he made me laugh until I almost pissed myself. He looked like Christian Bale but made of wax. SO SO SHINY. I wanted to confront him and discuss what was going on with that face, honestly. It is apparently Scott Disick. 

This photo isn’t so shiny – it must have been the H8R lighting or he’d just had some major botox something – but I chose it because it makes me laugh. Why is he posing in front of the ocean like this? Does he think he’s auditioning for Miami Vice? Fun!  (I have never watched a single episode of that Kardashian show but my father watches it. Here is a sample of him talking about it: “I hate that show. Those people are so stupid. The people that marry them are so stupid. Something’s wrong with Bruce Jenner’s face. I don’t like their butts but all the men say they have the best butts. Why are they famous. I hate that show.” “Um, Dad, if you hate it, why do you watch it?” “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Amy. EVERYONE watches that show.”) 

Here are my thoughts, Mario Lopez. First: it doesn’t exactly mean you are a h8r if you blast a celebrity on the internet. Sometimes it means you’re unintelligent and believe everything that’s in the tabloids; sometimes it just means you’re venting. Listen, I have a lot of celebrities I don’t like, for various reasons. Here’s a list: 

Tom Cruise: scary cult leader

Chris Klein: hates women

Miley Cyrus: seems unintelligent

Jay Leno: not funny and seems like kind of a cock

Roman Polanski: child molester

Chris Brown: beats women

Ginnifer Goodwin: seems unintelligent and chooses men incorrectly

Carrot Top: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIS SCARY FACE 

I don’t really HATE them, though. Why? I don’t know them! I think in order to hate someone, you really have to know them. Do I like these people? No. Do I want to hang out with them? No, no I don’t (and actually, in Carrot Top’s case, OH MY GOD PLEASE GET AWAY FROM ME NO.) 

But if Mario Lopez showed up and said I needed to spend a day with one of these people you know what I’d say? NO THANK YOU MARIO LOPEZ. That’s just a recipe for disaster, really. The people who say yes are just reality show whores who want their moment of fame. They’re just as sad as the celebrities! It’s a sad shame spiral, really. A co-dependent shame spiral. 

So this season, so far, kind of a total letdown. Luckily, it’s still early. Tonight: The Secret Circle! Starring the girl who kind of annoyed me from Life Unexpected and Gale Harold, WHO WILL NEVER ANNOY ME. What will happen? One can only imagine.


My Top Five Most Anticipated Fall Shows. THEY ARE GEEKTASTIC.

Time for the final installment in our very exciting three-part series on fall television! OK, FINE, it’s only exciting for me. I AM VERY EXCITED. Like, crazy-eyed excited, yo. Fall television! It is enough to make a person jump up and down in their chair. Although I am still sick, so there will be no jumping, really. And as an aside, did you know when you call your doctor and tell them you are most likely dying, they don’t even believe you? It’s totally the case. I called my doctor, who was not there, and got a nurse, who was not in the least bit sympathetic to my almost-dying plight and told me that “these things happen” and that the doctor – the only one she was “comfortable” seeing me for this particular issue (so…if it’s such a common thing, why can’t any of the yahoos over there see me for it? Why the big kahuna only? I think this is suspicious) – is out of town until Monday and I couldn’t get in until then to see him. “So will I die in the meantime?” I asked her. “Probably not?” she said, in a doubtful tone. “But if you get better, feel free to call and cancel the appointment, to free it up for someone else!” Well. Well! I feel SO MUCH BETTER ALL ALONE WITH MY DEATH THANK YOU.

On to more exciting matters. Fall television! The top five new shows I am most excited about, in ascending order, so leaving the best for last. I realize that at least one, if not more, of these is going to be a disaster, and let me down a great deal. But right now anything is possible. It’s like the day before Christmas when you’re a kid. Anything could be under that tree, ANYTHING! And then the day after, you’re surrounded by shitty gifts like socks and store-brand Cabbage Patch Kids with wonky eyes and you ate too much candy so you feel gross but the day before is the BEST, right?

Also,you’re going to be able to tell (if you didn’t already know) by reading this list that I’m a huge geek. These shows are all filled with geekery. Two fantasy, one sci-fi, one horror, and one mystery which stars the goddess of geekdom herself. So if you don’t want to read this as a “shows I’m stoked about” post, read it as a “geeks, these are shows MADE FOR US!” list. I’m down with that.

Most Anticipated New Fall Television Shows

Once Upon a Time (10/23/11, ABC)

Premise: A mystery series where fairy tale characters live in a parallel world on our Earth where they don’t remember their true identities or lives.

Starring: Jennifer Morrison, Ginnifer Goodwin, Paula Marshall, Raphael Sbarge, Giancarlo Esposito, and some other people I don’t know

OK, before you say “this is going to SUCK!”, I love fairy tales, I love retellings and reimaginings of canonical stories, and I love fantasy series. Yes, I am aware this is probably going to be awful. It’s on ABC, which is worrisome. Sure, they brought us Lost – but they’re kind of hit-or-miss with things. Does anyone remember (I bet you don’t– IT WAS THAT BAD) Happy Town? It started with such promise and it was SO STUPID. ABC just let it trail off and you had to watch the last couple episodes online (and if you did, you left your computer stupider for it – the ending was ridiculous.) So yes, this could be awful. Also, Ginnifer Goodwin worries me, because I don’t like her acting much. But I think the premise is kind of awesome! It shows promise! I think there are a lot of places you could go with this, and so many fairy tales to mine from, that you could have story arcs for years to come, if it takes off! Yes, yes, I know, odds are VERY good it won’t. But I’m hopeful. Day before Christmas, remember?

It’s also worrisome that this is debuting in October. That can’t be a good sign.

Grimm (10/21/11, NBC)

Premise: A detective learns he is descended from hunters whose job is to protect humanity from fairy tale creatures loose in our world. (Um. Hmm. This is…a little derivative of Supernatural? But I love Supernatural. And Supernatural’s ending soon. So I’m cool with that, to some extent.)

Starring: No one I’ve ever heard of. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing.

I’m both excited and trepidatious about this. It looks fun! It’s on a major network! It’s got a fairy-tale angle, which as discussed above, I love! However. Stealing from Supernatural is a bit of a dick move. It could be completely different, but the “hunter” thing? Supernatural. The creatures? Supernatural. So I’m excited, but I’m going to wait and see. It’s still in my top five, because it has a lot of things that excite me. But I’m going to hang back before I throw myself at the feet of this one.

Seems like a weird fit for NBC. If this is another Persons Unknown debacle, I’m going to be pissed. (Tell me someone other than me watched that nonsense last summer. Wasn’t it so awful? I kept waiting to either care about one of the characters or for something to make sense. Neither happened. I wanted ten minutes alone in a cage with one of the writers.) Also debuting in October. What’s with that?

Terra Nova (9/26/11, FOX)

Premise: in America of the future, a family travels, via time machine, back to the age of the dinosaurs to start a new life

Starring: Jason O’Mara (yum!), Stephen Lang, Landon Liboiron from Life Unexpected, and other people I haven’t heard of; produced by Stephen Spielberg. Also starring lots of dinosaurs. BAM I SAID DINOSAURS.

This is probably on a lot of people’s short lists. I’m excited, but probably not as excited as most people. Here’s my worry – is it going to end up like Land of the Lost? Because I don’t think I could handle that. When I was a kid, Land of the Lost was on reruns Saturday mornings and it was SO STUPID. Also, I get the theme song stuck in my head at inappropriate moments even now, thirty years later, and I find myself singing “the laaaand…of the loooost….” and that’s kind of upsetting. Probably this will be better and Jurassic Park-like, right? But not Jurassic Park 2. That was awful, despite Vince Vaughn who I love. (Yes, I know he’s kind of a goofball. I don’t know why I love him. The heart wants what it wants.)

This should be good. Stephen Spielberg! Jason O’Mara! Or could be awful. Greenscreen acting! I am excited – it’s a huge sci-fi undertaking and is costing a lot of money and if it’s good, it will be very, very good – but also a little scared it’s going to be awful. But if it’s awful, it might be REALLY awful. Like, laugh-out-LOUD awful. Which is good in its own way, too.

American Horror Story (10/5/11, FX)

Premise: A family moves into a haunted home in California.

Starring: Connie Britton, Dylan McDermott, Jessica Lange, Frances Conroy, Denis O’Hare, ZACHARY EFFING QUINTO, and it’s produced by Ryan Murphy, mofos

This is so exciting I might pee my pants. Let me list the awesomeness, ready? It’s horror. That, first and foremost, wins me over. It’s on FX, so the special effects will be better, as will (probably) the writing. (Terriers was so good that I cried during the final episode, not because it was good – it was – but because it was being cancelled. And don’t get me started on the awesomeness of Justified and my cowboy boyfriend Raylan Givens.) The cast is kind of amazeballs, no? Jessica Lange? Denis O’Hare? SYLAR? Sylar’s going to be in this? I mean, you could put Sylar in pretty much anything and I’d watch it, so there’s that. Ryan Murphy, who (this past season of Glee aside) is kind of television magic?

Sylar. SYLAR! LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
You can’t look away. THEY ARE MESMERIZING.
I am very, very, very, times fifty very’s, excited about this. The fact that it’s starting in October isn’t as disturbing to me because it’s FX. Cable networks have different rules. They’re loners, Dottie. They’re rebels. Watch this because I’m going to want to discuss it with people and if no one’s watching it, it will be cancelled and I’ll be blue.

Ringer (9/13/11, CW)

Premise: A mystery series in which a twin impersonates her supposedly dead sister.

Starring: Oh, I don’t know. No one that exciting. Nestor Carbonell, a.k.a. “Eyeliner Dude,” from Lost. Kristoffer Polaha from Life Unexpected. OH WAIT ALSO JASON DOHRING. Excuse me for a minute, I think I just lost my shit and have to go find it again. There it is. AND ALSO SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR. My shit is officially lost and gone forever.

Now, I know I’ve mentioned time and time and TIME again how much I love Buffy. But have I mentioned my obsession with Veronica Mars? Like, watched each episode over and over, chatted in chatrooms, emailed people theories, loved Veronica Mars. JASON DOHRING IS IN THIS SHOW. You know about Logan Echolls, right? If you don’t, please immediately rectify this situation by getting Seasons One and Two of Veronica Mars. You can get Season Three, afterwards, because you’ll want to know what happens. It’s not as good, but it’s still ok. Jason Dohring played my favorite bad boy on television for three years, and I will love him for the rest of his (and my) life for that.

Oh, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this. I mean, I was already perma-squeeing about this when it was announced, due to Buffy having a new show. But then Jason Dohring. That is like the perfect pairing, really.

The plot – well, it’s been done. But I’m willing to give that a pass. It’s got potential. And with the two of them – um, LOGAN ECHOLLS YOU GUYS LOGAN ECHOLLS. Sorry. You really have to understand – Logan Echolls. Logan “I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me?” Echolls. Logan “Dream on, Jump Street, I’m not leaving you alone with her” Echolls. I would watch Jason Dohring in anything. (I actually did. I watched every single episode of that piss-poor vampire garbage show Moonlight because he was in it, and that shit was PAINFUL. But Jason Dohring!)

LOGAN ECHOLLS. If you don’t love him, you
are missing part of your SOUL.

Fine, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar. This show has geek cred. I think a lot of geeks are lining up for this one. And it starts TOMORROW. This is very exciting. I am already planning my evening around this.

So happy fall viewing! Let’s do a recap halfway through and see where we stand, ok? I bet something gets cancelled after only a couple of episodes. That’s always my favorite. I love a good crash-and-burn.