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Category Archives: Facebook

How to make enemies and alienate people

We’ve discussed here before how to win social media, both on Facebook and Twitter. Most of the advice boils down to Wheaton’s Law, which is:

Surprisingly, this is very, very difficult for a lot of people. I’m not sure if this is because they truly like being dickish, or they don’t REALIZE they’re being dickish, or it’s too hard to think, so therefore they just say whatever crosses their minds the minute they sit down at a keyboard…but whatever the reason is, the dicks seem to outnumber the people with something real and helpful to say online, most specifically in the comment sections.

Most people I know are, for good reason, aware that if you read an article online, you don’t, under any circumstances, read the comment section. Why? Well. Because here be dragons, of course.

For every kind, helpful and relevant comment online, you have to wade through people being racist, sexist, or just downright weird, and it starts to turn your stomach and despair for the human race.

But what about if you CAN’T avoid the comments? What if it’s your job to be the one to POLICE the comments?

I will never not love this guy. FAVORITE POLTICIAN EVER!

I will never not love this guy. FAVORITE POLITICIAN EVER!

One of the aspects of my current job is social media. Five days a week, I’m in charge of the work Facebook page and Twitter account (along with my other multitudinous tasks, of course. I’m a busy bee. But I am a HAPPY busy bee, so there’s that, then.) I not only schedule the posts our readers see, I’m in charge of reading their comments for a few reasons – to see what they’re saying (it might come in handy in the future); to see if there are problems (sometimes they tell us about typos/errors in the article or on the site, which we can hopefully quickly fix); and to make sure things aren’t getting off-topic or squirrelly.

Things often get off-topic and squirrelly.

Twitter isn’t bad, only because people in this area don’t use Twitter as much as I wish they did. (It’s a great resource for a newspaper – we can get the news out almost immediately and have a constant stream of it going to our readers. It just hasn’t taken off around here like it has in more populated regions. I think it will, eventually; we’re just late adopters.) The people who follow us on Twitter are respectful and polite, for the most part, and I never feel like I’m wading into The Princess Bride‘s Fire Swamp when I check our Twitter page.

fireswamp

The Facebook page, however, is a very different beast.

Now, please don’t go into this thinking I don’t appreciate – and even enjoy – a vast majority of our commenters. We’d be nowhere without our readers, and I love that they’re out there and paying attention.

It’s the fringe contingent that worries me. And keep me busy hiding their comments. And sometimes shaking my head and thinking, “oh, I don’t…oh, oh no.”

SO. For those people, I’d like to give you a quick list of pointers. You are very quick to complain when your comments disappear, vocally and angrily; you are very quick to shout “CENSORSHIP!” and “THANKS, OBAMA!” when you think you’ve been silenced. Hopefully, this will help you navigate the waters of our social media more successfully.

HOW TO NOT BE A DICK ON PUBLIC SOCIAL MEDIA PAGES

  • Watch your language. I don’t know if you’re aware, but Facebook has a helpful function for those of us that moderate a public page. We can choose to have comments with swear words immediately hidden, so only we can see them. We very much utilize this function, as we have every intention of being a public page, and the last thing we want is some hapless child stumbling upon you cussing the hell out of a news story. Also, you kiss your mother with that mouth? Good grief, yo.
  • Stay on topic. Of course, there’s leeway here. I’m not saying there’s one path to greatness, people. But if we put up a post about, say, a fundraiser picnic, and you start rambling on about how angry you are that there are so many mosquitoes this year and there’s no global warming because of that LIAR AL GORE!, that’s just confusing and you might be a conspiracy-crazy. I’m not saying I’m blocking it, but people are going to think you’re a looney.

    Except for you, Mulder. You can comment any old time.

    Except for you, Mulder. You can comment any old time.

  • Remember: since it’s a public page, everyone on your timeline, as well as anyone in the world, can see what you’ve said, and hover over your icon and see your profile. It’s just the way Facebook is set up, my little chickadees. You give up your anonymity when you comment on a public page. If you’ve got your page locked down, when they go to look at you, they won’t see much…but you’re still not anonymous. Your name is there. EVERYONE NOW KNOWS YOUR NAME. And your comment shows up in your friends’ newsfeed. I have a friend of a friend who’s very involved with commenting on social media sites. Every time he comments on our paper, my friend says, “I see So-and-So commented on your work Facebook page again!” Everyone’s seeing what you say. Keep that in mind when you comment. If you’re not being a jerk, you have nothing to worry about. If you are, however…well, your mom’s probably seeing that (assuming your mom has Facebook. My mom doesn’t. I’m one of the lucky few.) Do you want your mom seeing that? Are you sure?
  • Personal insults? Really? What grade are you in? We have had to take down entire posts because people randomly started insulting the other commenters, the people in the article, random politicians (seriously, if I never see another non-ironic “THANKS, OBAMA!” it’ll be too soon), and, in one weird thread, God. (Yes, some guy started really insulting God, like, over and over. SO MAD AT GOD.) That counts as off-topic, and it counts as just downright mean, people. STOP IT. I get it. You are filled with all of the hatred. You are ready to explode like a hatred volcano. Sometimes *I* am the target of the hatred volcano. Sometimes my beloved coworkers who wrote the articles are (and it takes every bit of my precarious self-control to not respond with a very biting “WE ARE RUBBER YOU ARE GLUE!” rebuttal, because when it comes to my coworkers, I am such a Momma Bear.) But if you go too far, I’m hiding your comments, buckaroo. I don’t like meanness. I don’t like the idea that people are walking around with a stomachache because someone was mean to them for no reason on our social media. Make a new plan, Stan, and screw off home.

    Oh, is THIS who's to blame. UGH THANKS OBAMA

    Oh, is THIS who’s to blame. UGH THANKS OBAMA

  • Why you gotta be so dirty? SO MUCH NAUGHTINESS. I’m immediately hiding your comments saying female politicians got to where they are “on their knees” or that the local taco place sells “fish tacos that remind me of my ex-girlfriend.” Seriously? What are you hoping to accomplish with this comment? Like, cracking up your friends with a “HEE HEE DIRTY COMMENT ON A PUBLIC SITE?” or “UNGH I AM SO SEXY THIS IS LIKE AN OBSCENE PHONE CALL FOR *EVERYONE*!” I don’t even know. I have ALMOST the least tolerance for this. The LEAST tolerance is saved for…
  • On my watch? No racist, sexist, homophobic comments. Not going to happen. Don’t even try. And if they happen when the other people I work with are on social media, I’ll sometimes randomly check and hide your comments EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT WORKING. Yeah, you heard me right. I FEEL SO STRONGLY ABOUT THIS, I DO THAT SHIT FOR FREE, YO. You don’t get to have a public forum to spew your hatred. Sorry. I know, right, FREE SPEECH? Well, we run the page, and you lost your right to free speech when you commented on it. We have the right to moderate. And until the day my fingers fall off, I will not allow you to put hate speech on our site.
  • Acting too cool for school is actually the stupidest thing ever. We get a lot of “who cares?” or “slow news day” comments. Did you really take time out of your day to write that? Actual time you could have been spending on something else? YOU obviously care, because you took that time out of your day. And no, it’s not a “slow news day.” There’s no such thing. If we posted the article, we think someone can benefit from reading it; if it doesn’t resonate with you, maybe…oh, I don’t know, don’t feel like you have to comment? It’s not like you have to comment on everything. No! Really! You don’t have to! I know, freeing, right?
  • Maybe spell/grammar check? I’m a little more stringent about this than others. I hate ALL typos. It’s what I do for a living; you can’t really blame me. Most people don’t care if you make a few. But I’m talking about the people who write a comment like “For teh all people eat fodo there waffles, good yunger.” I don’t…what does this mean? Do you even know what it means? Is it a puzzle? If I solve it, what do I win? (Is it waffles? That’s a worthy prize. I’ll take it.)
  • Don’t try to sell me a car. We randomly get a Ugandan businessman who spams about 15 of our posts with a huge long “CARS FOR SALE!” comment. We block him; he comes back in another incarnation about a month later. We’re going to keep blocking you, buddy. No one wants your used Buicks. And how would they even GET here from Uganda? Logistical nightmare.

These all seem common sense, right? Yeah, you’d be surprised. If you’re looking at the comment section of a public site, know that most likely, even though your blood pressure is up? Most of the worst comments HAVE ALREADY BEEN TAKEN DOWN. I know. Humbling, right?

So the next time you’re going to comment on a public page, take a deep breath, think, “Is this a dick move? Should I do this? Am I building someone up, or knocking someone down? Do I have a valid point? Is there even any REASON for me to make this comment?” If you can answer all of your questions and still look yourself in the eye in the mirror…you are welcome! Comment away! If not…maybe start a blog where you can say what you want, with no fear of The Powers That Be shutting you down.

...or you'll make Ron Swanson annoyed. You don't want to make Ron Swanson annoyed. Trust me.

…or you’ll make Ron Swanson annoyed. You don’t want to make Ron Swanson annoyed. Trust me.

And, to those of you with actual, helpful, intelligent comments to make? THANK YOU. You make my day/month/year. Keep on keepin’ on, you guys. You make what we do worthwhile.

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Eark? What’s an eark?

It was a very long day off for me today. You would THINK that would involve more loafing, but really I did a million billion things. I even made a LIST of things to do. And have checked off almost everything on the list. A couple things fell through the cracks but I try not to beat myself up too much about such a thing. I’m too old to hate on myself.

Let’s talk about technology, shall we? In particular: Facebook. And: Amy’s Brother.

Now, Amy’s Brother does not get discussed much here because Amy’s Brother is not a fan of the interwebs. Or of technology. Amy’s Brother likes things like four-wheelers and the woods and hunting for furry animals with guns. (Or also feathery animals. When it comes to shooting things, fur or feathers! We do not discriminate.) Amy’s Brother is also quite intelligent, however, and knows many large words and watches intelligent television. So I guess he’s kind of like an enigma.

This is how much Amy's Brother trusts the interwebs. Meaning: zero.

This is how much Amy’s Brother trusts the interwebs. Meaning: zero.

Amy’s Brother never had a cellphone. Well, he DID, but that was a long time ago. When he moved to my parents’ town, he got rid of the cell phone. I think he might have had a Tracfone that didn’t text. We don’t talk much. Not out of hatred, just because we don’t. We live very different lives.

About a month ago, my dad sent me an email saying “your brother wants your number am i allowd to give it to him or do you thikn he is a kiler?” (I might have made up some of of those misspellings. But Dad does not use a lot of capital letters in email. I think he’s saving them for a rainy day.) See, for a while, Dad was giving my phone number or email address to everyone in the land, including SOME OF MY DIREST ENEMIES. So we had a serious talk called, “Dad, you have to ask before you just give out my personal information; I need to know I’m not going to get a phone call I dread in my house, which is my safe place. It’s why I have an unlisted number.” Dad actually LISTENED to me for once (I think that’s because I used my MOST SERIOUS VOICE) and has been very careful (some might say overly careful) ever since. So yes, he emailed me to ask if it was ok to give my number to my only sibling.

"Who gave you this number? Who? DAD! STOP GIVING MY NUMBER TO CREEPERS!"

“Who gave you this number? Who? DAD! STOP GIVING MY NUMBER TO CREEPERS!”

I said, “yes, here’s my cell number and email address he can use, but why would he want my number, doesn’t he have it?” and what he wanted was my CELL PHONE NUMBER. What? Why?

“your borther has texting now on his celphone” said Dad.

So a few days passed and I got a random text with a photo of my brother standing on a stump with a gun and a wolf near him? So I texted back and said, “I’m going to hope this is you, bro, otherwise someone’s sending me photos of you with a wild animal” and when I asked my dad, “Um. Why’s there a wolf?” Dad explained that my brother has a friend with a pet wolf. I find that suspect. I like wolves so so much, but I don’t think they’re pets any more than crocodiles or tigers are pets. Stop thinking wild animals are pets, yo.

Right after this photo was taken, this wolf ate this woman's face. Probably. I'd guess, anyway.

Right after this photo was taken, this wolf ate this woman’s face. Probably. I’d guess, anyway.

But Amy’s Brother did not text me back but then my dad said, “Your brother’s been trying to email you but YOU GAVE US A FALSE EMAIL” and I said “Why would I give you a false email address?” and Dad said “I DO NOT KNOW” and then come to find out that what my brother thought was a “1” was a lowercase “l” and then Dad yelled at me for trying to trick people. You know. As I do.

Mostly after the yelling stopped I said, “WHEN DID MY BROTHER GET EMAIL?”

Apparently he got a LAPTOP recently and HAS EMAIL NOW. Good gracious.

So I convinced Dad to give me my brother’s email address so I could email HIM first so I DID and then I waited and waited and then he finally wrote back but it was a very short email and then he said “this very short electronic transmission took me 35 minutes to type” and that made me laugh.

Amy’s Brother is not the best at emailing. He only wrote to me one time.

But THEN, the other morning when I woke UP, I had a notification on my phone.

“Amy’s Brother added you as a friend on Facebook.”

HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL?

HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT IS THIS BLACK MAGIC? My brother HATES Facebook. And you know what he thinks of the Internet People. He thinks you are all rapists. Or people with one hand. RAPISTS OR PEOPLE WITH ONE HAND!

So I friended my brother. Of course I did. Who doesn’t friend their brother?

Then I realized, yay, photos of The Nephew I hadn’t seen! Then I realized, oh, those photos and everything on his timeline is public so ALL THE RAPISTS WITH ONE HAND ARE LOOKING AT THE NEPHEW RIGHT NOW!

(I’m weird about Facebook privacy settings. I lock my shit down. I’m even weird about commenting on public pages, because then everyone can see you. I know. Leave me alone.)

This is the creepiest thing I have ever seen.

This is the creepiest thing I have ever seen.

So I emailed my brother. “Dear brother. Listen to your sister and mark everything friends only or at least friends of friends because right now you have everything public and that means pervs. I don’t think you want that. I love your face.”

Apparently his friend who got him on Facebook was all “PSHAW!” so he was going to leave it alone until my mom and dad were all “LISTEN TO YOUR SISTER SHE LIVES ON THE INTERNET!” so he actually called my phone and left me a voicemail all “Apparently we need to talk about privacy settings? Because I don’t know what that means. So call me when you get home. But not now. I am going to sleep now. Because I was up all night on the internet.”

Hee! It sucked him in. SUCKED! HIM! IN!

So I called him when I got home. Now this is kind of groundbreaking because my brother and I have talked on the phone probably 10 times in our LIVES. I know some of you people are super-close to your siblings. I am not. It is a sad point in my life. So I was kind of as nervous as if it was a blind date. But, you know, without the naughtytalk.

So we talked – and I am not kidding – for AN HOUR AND A HALF. I had to eat dinner while we were on the phone. It wasn’t all about the Book of Faces. We talked about The Nephew and my brother’s life and all the things. It was actually kind of nice. Shh, don’t tell anyone, but I might have gotten a little emotional. Because I like having a sibling. I’d like it even more if I talked to him more like people do.

So we FINALLY got to the Facebook stuff. Things I told my brother:

  • how to set all his future posts to “friends only”
  • how to retroactively set his posts and photos to “friends only”
  • how to block people, if he needs to do so

His response to these things:

  • Good
  • Good
  • Why would I block anyone? I can’t imagine that would ever be a thing I would need to do. (Aw, little brother. You live in such a happy rainbow land. I wish I was there with you. I have QUITE a block list going on.)

My most laughy moment happened when I was trying to explain to him the difference between “public” and “private.”

Me: So if your post has a little Earth at the bottom, it’s public, but if it has a little man, or a man with a man over his shoulder, it’s friends or friends of friends.

EARK!

EARK!

Brother: What’s an Eark?
Me: An Earth? It’s…I don’t know. An Earth. You know. Earth?
Brother: Eark?
Me: Earth? Like the planet? We live on? Planet Earth?
Brother: OH. EARTH.
Me: What the hell did you think I was saying?
Brother: Eark.
Me: Why would I say Eark? Eark isn’t even a word.
Brother: I thought it was like the sound a car makes if you brake too hard. EARK!
Me: Yes. Facebook puts a photo of you braking too hard next to their posts that everyone can see. Because that makes a lot of sense.

Also, added bonus content: what Amy’s Brother thinks of Facebook!

“Facebook is confusing. But also awesome. I have like ONE HUNDRED FRIENDS. I am friends with people from COLLEGE and SCHOOL and from when I lived out WEST and ALL THE PEOPLE. And I am TALKING to the people! And they are talking to me! But it takes up a lot of TIME. You have to approve all the friend requests. And answer everyone’s comments. And post a lot of photos. And look at things people have on their pages. How do you people keep up with all of this?”

I told him after a while, you learn to ignore it most of the time, and it’s really only super-exciting for the first couple months or so. After that, it’s just a thing you have, like a phone, or the clap.

“What do you do about all the emails?” my brother asked.

“What emails?”

“The millions of emails Facebook sends you. I can’t even find my REAL email because I have like 100 emails from Facebook. How do you deal with this?”

“I turned off the email function.”

Get outta here, emails.

Get outta here, emails.

“YOU CAN DO THAT?!”

So I then taught him how to do that. He was pleased.

“How many friends do YOU have?” Brother asked.

“I don’t let anyone see that. I don’t feel it’s anyone’s business.”

“I’m not anyone. Do you have more or less than me?”

“More right now. But at the rate you’re going, you’ll beat me soon.”

“You’ve been on Facebook forever. Why don’t you have more friends?”

“Because I mostly hate people?”

“Oh. Well, that makes sense, I suppose.”

Then we got off the phone and he called me a little later VERY UPSET because even though he followed my directions to the letter, his photos were still showing up to his friend who has “a number of secret accounts that no one knows about in other people’s names.”

“Well, first, tell him that’s totally shady and ask him why he’s being a creeper. And second, what photos are showing up?”

We ascertained it was the photos he had used for his profile and cover photo, and I explained those were ALWAYS public, and everything else was fine.

“How do I make it so no one sees what you wrote on my wall and people can’t ‘like’ what you wrote?”

“You can’t. That’s just Facebook.”

“What? PEOPLE CAN SEE ALL OF THIS?”

“OMG, yes. You didn’t know that?”

“I thought it was like MAIL.”

“Heh, no. If you want mail, you click on that little cartoon bubble in the middle left up there.”

“Oh, someone sent me a message in there, but I didn’t know why she didn’t just write it on my wall.”

“Because she wanted it to be private and she knows how Facebook works.”

“Ah,” said my brother, who may be finally understanding that, for once, his big sister is a handy resource for something.

He also gave me the following VERY EXPLICIT WARNING:

“Some people are friends on Facebook with people they don’t even KNOW! Can you imagine? Isn’t that CRAZY? If you were ever friends with anyone like that, you should unfriend them. Because you don’t know. They could be KILLERS.”

I looked up "internet killers" on image search and this came up and I've been laughing for like twenty minutes.

I looked up “internet killers” on image search and this came up and I’ve been laughing for like twenty minutes.

“So if I haven’t met them, I don’t know them?”

“Yes, of course.”

“If I unfriended all the people I haven’t met, I’d have like half the friend list. And I know those people just fine. And sometimes I meet them and they’re lovely. I met my friend from Finland in New York City last month.”

“That doesn’t make sense. He’s in FINLAND and was in NEW YORK CITY? Something doesn’t add up here.”

“He was in New York for business. People do such things.”

Brother was skeptical. “Dad says you are GOING to Finland.”

“Yep. Going there next summer.”

“Hmm. Well, I guess maybe SOME of them aren’t killers.”

He didn’t sound like he believed it, though.

SO! This has been a very event-filled week. Amy’s Brother has discovered the interwebs! I told him it was only a matter of time before he started tweeting and blogging and Instagramming and he said “I would ask what’s wrong with you but I’ve known you a long time and I’m pretty sure I know the answer to that.” I didn’t ask what that meant.

So, if anyone asks you if pigs flew this week, you can say yes. Yes, they did. I know. It’s hard to believe, but the future has caught up to my brother. Now, if we could only get Amy’s Dad off dialup…

…OK, I guess some of those pigs are still grounded. You can’t expect MIRACLES, people.

(Psst, the calendar informs me today is Eark Day. HAPPY EARK DAY. If you’re going to stop quickly, be sure the roadway is not slippery or you could slide into someone. What? What’s that? It’s EARTH Day? Oh. Dammit. Nevermind. Recycle or something. Carry on.)


Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 11.5, purely Facebook edition)

OK, so usually this is not the order we do this in. I know that. However, I kind of ran out of time tonight to write a crazy-long post because I spent like an HOUR doing something I HATE and that thing is SHOPPING FOR CLOTHING. It was hot and I was cranky. HOWEVER, I prevailed, as I am wont to do, and left with EIGHT NEW SHIRTS and THREE NEW PAIRS OF PANTS. I know, I kind of win. Even better: most of them were on sale and therefore MUCH cheaper than you would even imagine, and some of them are even DRESSY. Now I have to decide what will I wear to the City? SO MANY CHOICES ARGH.

NO ONE SHOULD BE THIS HAPPY WHILE SHOPPING NO ONEEEEE

NO ONE SHOULD BE THIS HAPPY WHILE SHOPPING NO ONEEEEE

Anyway, so usually we do search terms, then we do questions, but lately my questions have been weirdotimes, so today we’re doing questions FIRST, then we’re possibly doing search terms tomorrow if I don’t fall asleep or get bored or whatever, I don’t know.

The questions this month were one of two things: either very stupid or about Facebook. That’s it. That’s all I got. I can roll with the punches, baby. I can do that. No, that’s not an invitation to punch me, don’t even try.

So…

Welcome to…  

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.  

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!  

SUB-Subtitled, purely Facebook edition, because that’s all we got this month, yo, you people are OBSESSED with Facebook, and also possibly not very bright. Sorry, just telling it the way I see it.

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. They ended up here because ONE TIME I wrote a post about the Facebook “people you may know” feature and how stupid I thought it was, and apparently this makes me the go-to person for all things Facebook-related. Which is a little strange. But I’m down. I’ll play. I’m helpful.

how open may facebook¿ I like your kicky upside-down question mark, mi amigo. Or possibly amiga, I suppose. You want to know how to OPEN your Facebook? I would assume…go to the Facebook page, put in your username and password, and then wait for it to load? This isn’t too difficult. Like, if you’re having problems opening the Facebook page itself, that might be a problem with your internet carrier. And if you’re having a problem with your username or password, there are ways to reset those. This isn’t the hardest thing ever. I know you can do this. I have faith in you. You are EN FUEGO, MI AMOR. 

ESPANOL!!!!

ESPANOL!!!!

A number of questions about the “do you know this person outside of Facebook” question when you reject a person’s friend request People seem FASCINATED about this. So if you get a friend request and you reject it (which I do, like half the time I get them, yes, I’m that asshole) you get a little box that says, “Do you know this person outside of Facebook?” If you click yes, that person is welcome to send you future friend requests. If you say no (whether it’s true or not) that person is now blocked from sending you future friend requests. So if someone you don’t want to send you friend requests is doing so, reject it and click “No” on that box, and they can’t do that anymore. Easy as pie, jellybean. Except for the guilt. THE CRUSHING GUILT. 

DELETE DELETE DELETE!!!

DELETE DELETE DELETE!!!

Questions about people you may know (how to delete them; do people ever disappear; why there are “only 25”’; why it disappeared; how it works; the “top two” people; do I show up in their people; why it “doesn’t work”; how to stop making it happen altogether; how to make yourself appear in someone ELSE’S “people you may know”; how to find more people you may know; how to send them a friend request once you’ve found them; why people are showing up in there with no mutual friends; if you look at it, are you stalking?; how the “top name” is chosen) As you can see, this was the main search result that brought people to my blog this month. I had – and I am not kidding, I totally do this every month – a page and a half, in Word, of blah-blah-PEOPLE YOU MAY KNOW questions in my results. You seem really, REALLY curious about this. Considering it’s been months since I blogged about this, why this happened this month is perplexing, but who am I to question the world and the way it works, you know?

I will totally do my best to answer these questions, yo. It’s what I do, even though I think they’re kind of silly. 

All the lonely people. Where do they all belong?

All the lonely people. Where do they all belong?

  • To delete them, click the little “x” to the right of the person’s thumbnail profile on your page.
  • I don’t know if people ever disappear on their own, but if you want them gone, delete their asses.
  • I don’t know why you people keep saying there are 25. I have like 1-5 that show up randomly on my page, and then pages and pages if I click the “see more” button. Doesn’t everyone have that? I don’t know why you would have only 25. And it’s not like I have a billion friends, either. As mentioned above, I turn down friends all the time. I think I’ve probably turned down more friends than I have. Because I’m weird about my Facebook. Shh, leave me alone.
  • I can’t answer why it disappeared. Mine disappears sometimes, too, but then it’s back the next time I check. It’s Facebook. There’s no rhyme or reason, nor should there be. It’s free, you know? I don’t know that you can complain about free shit.
  • Much like your “25” people, I don’t know what you’re talking about with your “top 2” or “top name.” I don’t ever have a top 2 or “top name.” I have people that come and go. Sometimes they give me the shivers, these people. I don’t know that there are any two that come and go more than others. Some of these questions confuse me.
  • I can only assume that yes, you probably show up on some people’s “people you may know” just as they show up on yours. It’s the way of the world. Or of Facebook, which to some people, IS the world, sad as it is.
  • I don’t know why it “doesn’t work.” It does tend to show people that I don’t know, so I guess, yes, based on that, it’s not working. Also, the other day it wanted me to friend a guy I know has been dead for years, so that was kind of morbid. But it works fine enough. You’re under no obligation to friend those people. Do your thing, babe.
  • I don’t think you can make it stop happening altogether. As mentioned: it is a free service. You kind of have to go where it takes you or delete your profile. You can complain vociferously but it won’t go very far. Zuckerberg doesn’t care.
  • I don’t think you can FORCE your way into someone else’s “people you may know.” Maybe just send that person a friend request, see how that goes, if you want to be their friend? Just a thought.
  • To find more people you may know, click on the button at the top where your friend requests are. It will bring you to a whole PAGE of people you may know. SO MANY PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST. Some of them will give you, too, the shivers. I guarantee it.
  • Are you really asking me how to send a friend request? Click on the button that says “send a friend request” on the person’s page. SOLVED IT!
  • Honestly, I have no idea why people show up in your list with whom you have no mutual friends, because why would they be “people you may know” if you know no mutual people? I’m as befuddled by that as you are, babydoll.
  • “If you look at it, are you stalking.” No. Not really. You’re just looking at it. Everyone does. It’s part of the reason we’re on Facebook. We all stalk, now and then. It’s just a thing. Don’t fret too much. And don’t do too much of it, or it BECOMES stalking.

i find it very amusing people that people block me on facebook and follow me on linkedin – well, ok, I don’t know anything about Linkedin. I don’t have a profile there. I keep work off social media. (Well, I try to. I didn’t, last year, and we all know what happened there.) I also don’t like how many emails Linkedin sends you when someone tries to get you to be their contact or whatever it’s called. You get about five for each invite. “You didn’t respond! Hello! Amy! Hello, Amy! Are you THERE? Join Linkedin now! IT WILL BE YOUR DOOM IF YOU DO NOT!” I don’t know anything about it, so I can’t help you with this. Maybe you’re an asshole on Facebook and you’re not on Linkedin? I don’t know what to tell you, bub. Best of all luck to you here, I guess.

Well, THIS doesn't make me want to join any more than I ALREADY don't want to join. Sheesh.

Well, THIS doesn’t make me want to join any more than I ALREADY don’t want to join. Sheesh.

i know what u think im fake and u unfrnd huh i dont care  – there are a lot of unfortunate typos here, yo. I don’t know that I think you’re “fake,” mostly because I don’t know who you ARE, but you’re right, I would totally unfriend someone who spells like this. I’m a total grammar and spelling snob and if you spell like this, I can’t keep seeing it in my feeds because, to me, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. I’m glad you huh don’t care. That way I won’t have to worry if you can’t sleep at night, I guess. 

if you spy on someone on facebook will you show up under people you may know – sigh. No. No, you won’t. There’s no way for anyone to tell, on their profile, as of now, who’s been stalking them. There is a way if they log in as YOU to see if you’ve been stalking them. It’s called “search history” and it’s new and it was rolled out all secret-like and it has something to do with that terrible scary Graph Search thing that’s coming out. Here’s how to clear it if you ever leave yourself logged on and you’re afraid people will see you searched your ex daily for like a month. You’re welcome, just looking out for you.

so sad i deleted people on facebook – deleted them like unfriended them? Send them a friend request with a message saying “I’m a jerk, I accidentally unfriended you, sorry!” and if they are true friends, they’ll accept your request again, I suppose. Or deleted them on the people you may know function? If that’s the case, search for ’em and send them a friend request. Don’t be so sad. Don’t do that.

There you go. All the Facebook questions, because apparently that’s ALL YOU PEOPLE CARE ABOUT. I have a Facebook question. Is it ok to periodically go through and delete people you don’t really like and never talk to? Because I’m totally about to do that. OK, that’s not as much a question as it is a statement. Thanks ever so.

FOUR DAYS TIL ANDREAS!!!


Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 11)

Howdy, chicas and…um…chicaroos, I don’t know. Bet you know what’s about to happen, right? Right. It’s like clockwork, this thing. I’m about as predictable as the TIDES, I am.

Time for your most burning questions to be answered! Not THAT kind of burning. I think they have cream for that, Ding Dong Joe.

So, in case you don’t remember, here’s a quick rundown of what’s going on here. What, you might want that, maybe. You might be new or young or lost or super-innocent or something. I can’t guess these things. I am not a psychic with a crystal ball, although that would be a lot of fun.

Ooh, this will be me when I'm old! Nice career move, yeah?

Ooh, this will be me when I’m old! Nice career move, yeah?

Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. And mostly it is the best time ever, except for those other best times you might be having in your life, I suppose.

And, AND, before we get started – today is a very special day. IT IS DUMBCAT’S BIRTHDAY. He doesn’t want me to tell you how old he is, but he’s totally 13. According to this handy website, that means he is 68. So he’s totally a grumpy old cat-man and will start chasing kids off his lawn soon and complaining about the rising price of Dentucreme. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY HANDSOME MAN! I love you more than any animal ever and you are the most wonderfully silly 68-year-old cat who ever fell off the bookcase and then hissed at the bookcase for being too tall.

So, yet again! 

Welcome to…  

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.  

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!  

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. How this happened, I do not know. It’s one of those mysteries, like how I always seem to lose one of my spoons when I look for it. No, seriously, I have like this one favorite spoon and it’s always missing? Where does it keep going? And then it comes back? And THAT’S weird, right? No? FINE I THINK IT IS BITE ME.

WHERE DO YOU KEEP GOING, SPOON?

WHERE DO YOU KEEP GOING, SPOON?

Today we’re going to do things a little differently, because the questions came up a little different. WHAT? AMY! WHAT HOODOO IS THIS? Just roll with it, jellybeans, you’ll see.

obnoxious christmas letters why Um. I assume you’re talking about those letters that some people put in their Christmas cards that tell you about what happened to them and their family that year? I don’t think they’re obnoxious, I think they’re nice. I mean, I think sometimes they’re a little extraneous – you could just write “Happy Holidays” and probably no one would care – but I don’t hate them. I know someone who writes the BEST one each year. I always look forward to it. (I think he reads this, too, so if you’re reading, P., don’t you dare stop, those letters are the BEST THING.) I mean, maybe you’re friends with some obnoxious people and that’s why their letters are obnoxious? Or maybe their lives are great and yours isn’t and you’re all bitterness? I don’t know. I often think we need to look inside ourselves for the answers to our questions. Maybe do that. You’re welcome. Merry Christmas, cranky.

adventure time who stole the pant hose I’m going to assume you mean “pantyhose” because I’m somehow the go-to for pantyhose searches since I mentioned them like TWICE or something, sheesh. And I had no idea what Adventure Time was so I looked it up and apparently it’s some show on the Cartoon Network about a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Which totally sounds upbeat, no? My goodness. Anyway, there was a plotline about pantyhose on this show? What is HAPPENING on the Cartoon Network? Pantyhose and mushroom clouds? I found this screenshot of some Adventure Time game for you.

This show looks like a fever dream or maybe an acid trip. There’s a talking cinnamon bun, apparently. So I guess I can’t answer this question, you have to play the game to find out. Sorry. You’re welcome, are you a grownup watching The Cartoon Network? Shady.

how to bow out of the yankee swap?  Don’t show up to work that day. You can’t bow out otherwise, because people will think you’re like a scroogey grinch and they’re scream things at you like “DON’T YOU LOVE FUN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU” and it’s just the worst. Just develop a convincing fake cough, and don’t go to work that day. You’re welcome, I’m sorry. I know they suck so bad.

Remember how Michael was so mad he got an oven mitt? Oh, "The Office" used to be funny. Sigh.

Remember how Michael was so mad he got an oven mitt? Oh, “The Office” used to be funny. Sigh.

how to make a fat bitch scream in a car Well! I’m thinking probably call her a “fat bitch” and she’ll get loud. Seriously? WHO THE HELL TYPED THIS INTO A SEARCH ENGINE. Do you mean “scream” like in a sexual way? Are you a psychokiller and this is research for a murder? WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS? The answer to your question is, shut the hell up, asshole. You’re welcome, I hate your stupid face.

how to stop notifications keeping me awake Uh…turn your phone off when you sleep? You’re welcome, this seems self-explanatory?

some people just want to use you lyrics from what song I can’t find any songs with these EXACT lyrics, but I’m thinking maybe YOU’RE thinking of “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics? That song says “some of them want to use you” in it, and it’s what I immediately thought of when I saw this search. I mean, I’m sure there are other songs with similar lyrics, but I’m thinking this is the most popular one.

And as nice as the Eurythmics song is, the version of this I love, and will ALWAYS love, is Marilyn Manson’s version. I don’t love all of his music, but some of his songs really hit me in just the right way. This is one of them. You’re welcome, enjoy.

what parasite is killing me Oh, honey, I need more information than this. Although the way you phrased this makes you think we’re related because this is totally the most hypochondriac way to phrase this and I love it. I’m thinking you need to go to the hospital and get some tests done? Because if you really think you have a parasite killing you, I’m thinking you should probably get that taken care of. Tout suite, mon cheri. (Once I watched a dramatic reenactment, SIDE NOTE, on a show, about how people were eating tapeworms to lose weight and then putting steak by their bed when they slept and the tapeworm would come out when they slept and they’d lost enough weight and as I watched this HORRIFIED at the end they said, “This doesn’t really happen, though, it’s an urban legend.” WAY TO TELL ME THAT NOW. I’ve been having nightmares about that shit ever since.) You’re welcome, go see your doctor or maybe a vet. Vets know all about parasites.

This is Tickles the Tapeworm. HE WANTS TO FEAST ON YOUR INSIDES! But is also the cutest.

This is Tickles the Tapeworm. HE WANTS TO FEAST ON YOUR INSIDES! But is also the cutest.

what was wrong with the doll on the island of misfit toys Well, one time I blogged about this and my buddy Chris said she had some sort of mental illness, but then this Christmas I read somewhere her problem was that her hair wasn’t neatly braided. Because dolls need neatly-braided hair? I think it’ll remain a mystery. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW. Mostly, what was wrong with the toys on that island is that they were too cool. Much cooler than regular toys. I would love to a., live on that island, and b., own any of those toys. I’m totally a misfit toy, yo. You’re welcome, it’s a MYSTERY.               

See? She's got like wonky braids? I used to have those as a kid. My hair won't hold a braid no matter what you do with it. It's slippery, my hair. And poky-outy.

See? She’s got like wonky braids? I used to have those as a kid. My hair won’t hold a braid no matter what you do with it. It’s slippery, my hair. And poky-outy.

when is maalox coming back Well, according to this site (I know it’s Canadian, but read it, it’s about MERKA, too) there’s only one plant that makes all the Novartis products. My Maalox; sj’s Excedrin. No over-the-counter heartburn stuff works as well as Maalox. It’s a sad truth. There was an issue back in January; some glass got into some of the products. The company SAID they were “upgrading the facility” and I suppose they might have been, so that the glass incident didn’t happen again. I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t get my Maalox and sj can’t get her Excedrin and WE ARE NOT HAPPY. However! Just the other day she sent me a glee-filled email saying “EXCEDRIN IS BACK!” Her dad got a sample of Excedrin in the mail! Which would not have happened if they weren’t making it again! And I read in two different places that all the Novartis products are slowly supposed to be hitting the shelves starting in October so it should be ANY DAY NOW!!! Whew, I am so tired of the stupid store-brand non-Maalox that tastes like chalk and doesn’t work. You’re welcome, should be soon soon soooooon.

Come back, Maalox! I miss you!

Come back, Maalox! I miss you!

NOW. Remember a while back I blogged about the Facebook “people you may know” feature? It still gets hits daily. This thing apparently FASCINATES people. And, with this one post, I have become the go-to person for all questions about how to use Facebook. As someone who has a lot of trouble navigating the Facebook forums even for the EASIEST questions, I’m totally down with helping you with these questions and/or mocking you. Let’s see how this works out.

when i click on people you may know am i sending them a friend request? No. You’re just looking at their profile. So you’re either stalking ’em or checking ’em out to see if you actually DO know ’em or Facebook is being weird. (SIDE NOTE: yesterday, Facebook wanted me to friend a theater acquaintance of mine. Which, fine. If he hadn’t died probably four years ago or something. So THAT was creepy.) You’re welcome, click away. Just don’t click on the “send a friend request” button unless you mean it.

This made me laugh. LOOK AT ALL THESE FRIEND REQUESTS!!!

This made me laugh. LOOK AT ALL THESE FRIEND REQUESTS!!!

25 people you may know facebook? I’m confused about this question. Why 25? I have a lot more than 25 when I click on that “see more people” button. Do you only have 25? Maybe you only know a few people? I’m not really sure what you’re asking. Sorry. You’re welcome, be more specific next time.

facebook got a friend request then all my fiends list popped into her people you may know why OK, first, “fiends” made me laugh SO HARD. That’s one of my favorite typos ever. Yes. Let me get over my giggles and answer your question. I’m going to assume that you accepted her friend request. Otherwise this wouldn’t have happened. Once you friend someone, Facebook assumes you “know” them. And it’s a fair assumption, yeah? You friended them, after all. So they therefore assume you “might” (people you “may” know) know all of her friends, and vice-versa. Do you? Probably not. I mean, who knows all of a friend’s friends? Only weirdos and stalkers, I’d think. I don’t know all of my friend’s friends. I don’t even know all of my DAD’S friends, or whatever. So just ignore the people on that list you don’t know. They’re not hurting you. Unless you hate them. Then I think you can x them out or something so they don’t pop back up. You’re welcome, don’t sweat the small stuff. (Also, “you may know why” makes me laugh, and I DO know why.)       

This made me laugh. I think because of "wanker." Heh.

This made me laugh. I think because of “wanker.” Heh.

how do people you may know block show on fb This is worded oddly so I don’t really know what you’re asking. Did you block someone and they’re still showing up as someone you may know? Or are you wondering, if you block someone, will YOU still show up on THEIR “people you may know” list? I can’t answer either of those questions, to be honest. I don’t know that I’ve ever blocked anyone on Facebook. I’ve not accepted people’s friend requests, but they mostly left me alone after that. And I don’t know if you’ll still show up on someone’s list if you block them from yours. That’s a tough one. Facebook’s a good place for stalkers, I think. You’re welcome, if you’re having a serious issue with something scary, please contact Facebook about it.            

Ooh, look how handy. IT'S A LITTLE INFOGRAPHIC!

Ooh, look how handy. IT’S A LITTLE INFOGRAPHIC!

unfriend me and you spy on me facebook how to stop this Again, worded oddly. Let’s parse this sentence, such as it is. Someone unfriended you…and they’re still spying on you? OK, well, how do you know they’re still spying on you, did a mutual friend tell you, or something? I guess that’s neither here nor there, really. How to stop this. THAT I can answer. Set your whole wall to “friends only.” Then go to your homepage and choose the option where you can “see the page as” and type that spy’s name into the bar. It will show you what that person sees when they visit your page. Then you can individually go through and click whatever elements are left and block those from him/her, as well. The only things that HAVE to show up are your sex and your cover/timeline photos. You have no control over those. If I look at my page as “public” (how any Joe off the street would see it) those are all I see. And a couple of polls I voted in. And my subscriptions, which I don’t care if people see – meh, if people know I like whatever music I like, it’s not going to kill me. I blog about that shit on the regular here anyway and that’s all out in the open. I have everything else hidden because it’s none of anyone’s business. You can also (if you have some nosy friends that you can’t unfriend for some reason) set this so that it looks like this for your friends, too. So if your nosy Aunt Matilda is always reading your updates and telling everyone about them in a weird gossipy way, but if you unfriend her it will cause World War Three at Thanksgiving, you can make it so she can’t see anything you do. She’ll just assume you don’t update anymore. Whee! Unfortunately, if you comment on anything a mutual friend says, your spy friend can see that. I think – but am not sure – if you block her, she can’t see anything you do. It might be worth a shot. Sorry this is happening. People are total assholes sometimes, yeah? You’re welcome, just ignore her – people like that feed from attention like vampires.

And there you have it! Not only QUESTIONS, but FACEBOOK questions! I know, this is really one-stop shopping right here.

Until next month – may all your questions be answered by someone with love in her heart and a very fat unintelligent cat on her lap. No. No, that wasn’t a euphemism. Dumbcat’s sound asleep on me right now. He’s more than ready for me to end this post. He needs PETTING, yo. It’s his BIRTHDAY. He says to tell you he’ll accept crunchy treats and also feathery toys, but leave them at the door, please. If you come in he’d have to hide in the pots and pans cupboard because STRANGER DANGER.


At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought.

So you know how I’m obsessed with my stats, right? Shut up, all you other bloggers are, too. Don’t even pretend you’re not. You might be all “oh, I blog just for FUN and I’m really just writing for ME” but you totally dig into that stats page and see how many people are reading and where they’re coming from and how they found your blog just like the rest of us. Just like you people that say you don’t stalk Facebook profiles. EVERYONE DOES THIS. That’s what they’re FOR. That’s why you should LOCK YOUR SHIT DOWN, YO. Unless you want EVERYONE to know what you’ve been doing since you joined Facebook, including potential enemies and people who are checking out their competition and also maybe killers. Do you WANT to be stalked by killers? No, not THE Killers, as in the BAND, I’m sure The Killers have better things to do. REAL LIFE KILLERS. If you don’t, LOCK YOUR SHIT DOWN. I mean, I don’t LIKE it when I go to stalk someone’s page and it’s locked down, but I grudgingly RESPECT them and I don’t think they’re a MORON. Or at least as MUCH of a moron.

That’s tangenty and not at all why we’re here today. Oh, stop making fake shock-faces, you love my tangents. I don’t think that’s a euphemism. Unless you’re a mathematician, I guess. Ken’ll know for sure, I suppose. You know how on Jeopardy when Alex is all, “we’ll have to ask the judges?” That’s how I feel with euphemisms. I have to be all, “Ken? Final ruling, here?” (Hint: it’s a safe bet Ken will rule yes on the euphemism. He usually does.)

So the other day, I was poking around in my stats and like five people had come here from some blog that looked real and not spammy (lately I’ve been getting a lot of random hits from male enhancement sites and also real estate sites? Cut that out, I mean, I appreciate the traffic but what the hell) and so I clicked on it.

Then I was promptly confused as to why these people wanted anything to do with me.

So it’s this site that’s all about economics? But yo, this is a SMART SITE, you guys. This guy is NOT DICKING AROUND. And it’s not that false-intelligent stuff? It’s REAL intelligent stuff. Like, you’d read this in a magazine and then if you were me you’d probably be all “where’s the Entertainment Weekly, I didn’t understand a word of this.” (Also, check out his about page. He’s totally like a musician and Australian and shit. I like this guy a lot.)

Now, I think you’ll all give me the benefit of the doubt when I tell you I am an intelligent woman. I have three degrees, graduated valedictorian from my high school, and don’t even say “yo” or “ZOMG” in real life. I KNOW. Try to contain your shock, please. I’m actually QUITE intelligent. More so than I come across here.

But economics (and to a lesser extent, politics) goes right over my head. Don’t get it. Not even a little bit. And if I were to attempt to talk about it I would be like Billy Madison when he tried to talk about the Industrial Revolution and compared it to the Puppy Who Lost His Way and everyone was dumber having heard his response. (Oh, shush, it’s only like the funniest movie EVER, you guys.)

KNIBB HIGH FOOTBALL RULES!

I took an economics class in high school. Want to know what I remember from it? Here, I’ll tell you.

  • The teacher was a dreamboat. TOTAL DREAMBOAT. He was right out of college and had the blackest curly hair and the bluest eyes that crinkled when he laughed. I just stared at him in awe of his perfection, sincerely.
  • We did this thing where we had imaginary money and we had to purchase stocks and then over the course of the semester see how they did. Dad was all, “Buy McDonald’s, everyone loves burgers.” So I did. I think I made like $5 overall and I felt like Scrooge McDuck swimming through his silo of money.
FIVE DOLLARS WHEEEE!

FIVE DOLLARS WHEEEE!

That is all I know about economics. I know we’re having multiple fiscal crises all over the world but have no idea WHY or how we’re going to go about FIXING them. I only know the exchange rate of Canadian dollars and pounds and Euro because I grew up near Canada and because I have people in Europe and the U.K. and sometimes out of curiosity I like to Google that shit. (For your information: one Euro = $1.32 MERKAN dollars; one Canadian dollar = $1.01 MERKAN dollars; one pound = $1.62 MERKAN dollars. So you’re worst off if you go to London and best off if you go to London, Ontario, if you are from MERKA.)

Also, can I just bitch for a minute? Why is MERKAN money so boring? Foreign money is SO PRETTY.

Also, can I just bitch for a minute? Why is MERKAN money so boring? Foreign money is SO PRETTY.

So that’s what I know about economics. Nothing.

So this is the post I was getting hits from. So I scrolled through it (I attempted to read it, but it was like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me…wah, wah, wah…and I felt bad, because it’s really well-written, you guys. Like, this guy can WRITE. It’s just…written in another language. The language of SMART people who talk about SMART things) and then I started scrolling through the comments and someone mentioned “he’s like Lucy with the Football” and I thought “oh. Oh, shit. I am getting hits from this because THEY PROBABLY GOOGLED ME AND ARE MOCKING ME BECAUSE I SCREW AROUND ON HERE AND AM NOT THE SMART PEOPLE” but they TOTALLY did not. They were VERY NICE. See?

I like that whatever the “MNE brand and community” is could learn a thing or two from me. YEAH BOYYYYY! Wait, is this a good thing? *Googling* No idea, that Google search was fruitless. I’m going to just assume it’s a good thing. It SEEMS good therefore it IS good. In your FACE, MNE brand and community!

Also, I like new internet friends. So I totally commented and told them I would write them a post but I know nothing about economics and also would go off on tangents and I think one person was happy and one person was trepidacious.

One was tentatively impressed with my Kevin Smith love. Well! We will get along JUST FINE, then.

One was tentatively impressed with my Kevin Smith love. Well! We will get along JUST FINE, then.

HI NEW FRIENDS WHO ARE SO MUCH SMARTER THAN I AM ABOUT MONEY AND/OR GLOBAL MONETIZATION!

(Are you all so impressed with my use of the word “monetization” there? I know, right? I don’t know if I used it CORRECTLY but don’t even tell the smart people that.)

Dear smart economicy people: I know a lot about the following things. Theater, wasting large amounts of time on the interwebs, interspecies animal friends, writing long emails and being ferociously protective to people I love, how to make people laugh, the correct use of semicolons, blogging daily, my very unintelligent but loveable cat, how scary clowns are, how much I like chocolate but dislike garlic, and all things Kevin Smith and Joss Whedon.

I do NOT know a lot about the following things. Economics, politics, war, building things without an instruction sheet that comes in the box, what makes a car work, why people insist on doing very stupid things even though they are very intelligent otherwise, and sports.

Except "The Mighty Ducks" movies. I know a lot about these. What, they're totally inspirational, bite me.

Except “The Mighty Ducks” movies. I know a lot about these. What, they’re totally inspirational, bite me.

However, in a STROKE OF FATE AND OR KISMET AND OR MAGIC!, secret-sibling Ken sent me this secret searchy game-like thing the other day because he wanted me to investigate this person because he thought I would find him intriguing and also it was the most fun until it got frustrating and I couldn’t solve it because my Google-fu totally failed me because it’s very HARD to search things in LANGUAGES that you don’t SPEAK, yo, and come to find out THE GUY WAS A VERY FAMOUS ECONOMIST. On the same DAY! How does that even HAPPEN, I ask you? I didn’t even TELL Ken about this blog of new friends who are now probably so embarrassed they even accidentally found my FAQ! Ken is filled with magic. Utterly stuffed. (Yes, yes. Euphemism, Ken. Euphemism.)

So now I know about this person named Albert O. Hirschman who died last week and was VERY IMPRESSIVE. Seriously, you guys, he wrote like a kabillion books – all of which, I’m sure, were I to attempt to read them, would read like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me, because economics = TOO CONFUSING. But ALSO, he was German, and went to school at the Sorbonne and other fancy places, and then – GET THIS – fought in the Spanish Civil War! How bon vivanty is THAT? And – AND – check THIS out that I found on Wikipedia: “After France surrendered to the Nazis, he worked with Varian Fry to help many of Europe’s leading artists and intellectuals to escape to the United States.” Well! THAT is exciting, right? We have movies about that board game Battleship and we don’t have a movie about this?

He then taught at U.C. Berkeley, Yale, Columbia, Harvard, and the “Institute for Advanced Study,” whatever that is.

Listen, this guy sounds both fancy AND bon vivanty. I can see why Ken was impressed. (Also, little known fact? Along with being bon vivanty, Ken’s super-smart about things like politics and economics. I bet he could read that blog and totally understand ALL of it. Good, Ken, do that and give me an Econ for Dummies recap or something, ok? Thanks, you’re the best, I’ll repay you with…um…teaching you about…shit, I’m pretty sure anything I know anything about you’re already pretty schooled on. Sorry.)

So, there! See how I know like ONE THING about economics? Impressed? Yep. Thought you might be.

New friends, I am glad to have you here. Please do not be put off by the ZOMGs or the yo-ing. Sometimes we talk about other things. Like…um…Helper Mules, and…sciency stuff…and sex…and…

Sigh.

Bye, new friends. It was nice knowing you for like three whole days.

(If you are at all into economics, I totally do recommend the blog. It might sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me, but I know good writing when I see it, and it is written very well. I suppose if you know things about economics, it’s probably the best thing.)


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