Category Archives: column

Dear Lucy, Volume Three. Now with super-duper added helpfulosity.

You need some help, you guys. BUT YOU WON’T ASK FOR IT.

OK, for the last two months, I have been writing very helpful advice columns which address serious issues that people totally need assistance with. But yet again, this month, I have not had a lot of people who are taking advantage of my super-good and not-at-snarky advice! I mean, I have MORE people asking questions, due to my super-awesome uptick in well-deserved popularity that I credit to the awesomeness of WordPress, but still NOT ENOUGH. What do I have to do, give away prizes? I AM NOT GIVING AWAY PRIZES ON TOP OF ALREADY GIVING AWAY FREE ADVICE THAT YOU’D HAVE TO PAY A LIFE COACH FOR ELSEWHERE YOU YAHOOS. YOU should be giving ME prizes for sharing my life wisdom and general all-around awesomeness.

But FINE, I’m going to step it up a notch this month and these questions are going to be answered with SO MUCH HELPFULNESS you’re not even going to BELIEVE it. And you’re going to think, DAMN, how can I get in on this? You can send me your QUESTIONS, is how. I want so many questions I have to pick and choose and some questions get left by the wayside because there were SO MANY AWESOME QUESTIONS that I could NOT use them all. Come on, people, step lively. Sometimes I wonder about you, seriously. Have you had your thyroids checked?

Dear Lucy, Volume Three

(A Very Helpful and Not-at-All-Snarky Advice Column) 

Q:         Why can’t people understand that tastes (music, tv, clothes, etc.) simply differ and that insulting anyone because of their taste is not only rude but completely nonsensical as well? – TROLL EXHAUSTION

A:         Nice start, TE! Here is something I am going to teach you right now. It’s important and not a lot of people will tell you this, but BAM, I totally will because I AM STEPPING UP THIS MONTH. Ready? Are you sure? OK, here goes. EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE THE ONLY PERSON WITH GOOD TASTE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. It’s true! Tell someone you like, oh, I don’t know, reruns of Saved by the Bell, and watch the little look of disgust cross their face. Because THEY would be watching something BETTER. People are totally rude, TE. Here’s the thing, though – your taste is your taste, and if it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone else, screw the haters. You know what I like to do? When they make that face, like “I cannot BELIEVE you like SCI-FI that is so PASSE” I like to do one of two things: ask them what they like, and tear it down so badly that they are weeping when I’m done, because my command of the English language and the innate snark therein is second to none and they have NO defense against me when I get going, NONE, and then say, “How’d that feel, douchecanoe, does your own medicine taste BITTER?” but that takes up a lot of time and energy I could be spending doing something more enjoyable; OR just laugh to myself and then talk about it with other awesome like-minded people who appreciate my good (hell with good, it’s EXEMPLARY, as I’m sure yours is) taste.

Q:         What is a sly way to find out if a girl like me?–REYNARD

A:         The use of the word “sly” in this question completely and totally slays me, Reynard. Well! You asked; I’m here to help. Sly. OK, well, if you want sly, you got it. I AM HERE TO HELP YOU. But first, I have a question I need cleared up. Do you want to know if a girl “likes” you as in she might want to ride your pocket rocket? Or do you want to know if a girl is “like” you, akin, similar, has tastes and mannerisms that mirror your own? I’m going to assume you mean “likes” you because if you want a sly way to know if a girl is “like” you I’d say just look at her?OK. Here. A plan. Slyly, wearing a disguise (I recommend a trenchcoat, shiny patent-leather businessman shoes, one of those scary masks from Eyes Wide Shut, a hat where you can put two cans of beer on it and take drinks while you walk – just in case you get thirsty while being sly – and a LOT of cologne) walk up to your intended. In a false voice, say “Excuse me, madam, did you hear the news? Reynard has died in a freak combine accident. VERY bloody. He was saying a young lady’s name when he died. Whose do you think it was? Whose would you LIKE it to be?” Then twirl your fake goatee (SHIT I forgot to tell you to wear one of those – hell, Reynard, I can’t be expected to think of EVERYTHING for you, can I? Take a little initiative, my good man!) and listen to her answer. If she tearfully cries out your name and then her own, hoping your last words were the dulcet tones of her name – you’re in, and start humping her leg like there’s no tomorrow. But don’t take off the disguise. STAY IN CHARACTER FOR THE LOVE OF PETE REYNARD. If she truly loves you it won’t scare her at ALL that a crazy weirdo is humping up on her and she won’t shiv you or call the cops. Oh, and if when you ask the question and she laughs in your face and says “What the hell, Reynard? Why are you dressed like a mental patient?” then I’m sorry, you’ve slyly discovered that her heart is like ice toward you. GODSPEED REYNARD.

Q:         Who doesn’t like cake? –JUST DESSERTS

A:         This is a frightening question, JD. Truly chilling. I’m assuming, from the way it’s phrased, that someone in your life, someone you know, A REAL PERSON, doesn’t like cake. And this is just terrifying. This person is most likely a cyborg, JD. A stone-cold killer robot. Are you in the room with this person right now, JD? You are, aren’t you. Very, very slowly, JD, pretend you’ve dropped something on the floor, get down, and start looking for it. Slowly, ever so slowly, let your search lead you to another room. Once there, RUN, JD. Run like your life DEPENDS ON IT. Because it does. It most certainly does. Because the only people who don’t like cake are SOULLESS VOIDS LACKING ALL HUMANITY. I hope you’re alright, JD. Please let us know, and let us know if where you are, there’s cake. And if so, what kinds? And can you send us some?

Q:         I wrote a 25,000 word book do a 25,00 word book sells good?–FAMOUS AUTHOR

A:          I. Um, I don’t. Should I – I. No. OK, FA, well, an average blog entry for me is approximately 1,000-2,000 words. Granted, I talk too much. But that would be like me publishing 25 of my blog entries and calling it a book. Each of them is about 3 pages long. So that would be about 75 pages long? I don’t think your book is long enough. I’m sorry, please let me rephrase in grammar you can understand. 250,0 sells good no! Write more good wurds? (I TRIED, YOU GUYS, I TRIED, but seriously? With the 25,00 and the “sells good” and the wrong verb tense? I couldn’t! I COULDN’T. If you could have, well, you’ll be going to heaven and I certainly hope you love your puffy white wings. I’m allergic to feathers anyway.)

Q:        How is it possible that music, even sad, melancholy tunes, can make me blissfully happy? –DIE FREUDE UND DAS WELTSCHMERZ

A:          That is a long pseudonym, DFUSW. But I like it. I like your chutzpah! I can’t answer this because I’m the same exact way. There is never a bad time for sad music. Happy times? Sad music. Sad times? More sad music. I love sad music. Happy music actually depresses me, because then I start thinking, why am I never that happy? What does THAT singer have that I don’t have? WHY EXACTLY ARE YOU WALKING ON SUNSHINE YOU FREAK????? Then I get all stompy and shit. I don’t know the answer to your question, other than to tell you that obviously, since we are similar in this, I don’t have to slyly find out if we are like. BECAUSE WE ARE.

Q:         What does it mean if a guy says your lips look really soft? –HOMESCHOOLED IN UTAH

A:          I’m going to speak softly, so as to not scare you off, honey, ok? Are you good? All’s well? Things going great? Good. OK, comfy, HIU? Listen, this is going to be a little scary? But that guy? Wants to either play naughty hotel maid with you, or cut off your lips and saute them in a pan with some nice thyme and onions? Either way, it’s best if you move on. Quickly. No time for pleasantries. Go go go GO, HIU. Also, for further information, I recommend reading Deliverance? Look out for the part where they say “He got a real purty mouth, ain’t he?” Because, samesies.

Q:         Why are some people unable to understand that I need my alone time and actually enjoy being alone? –GRETA GARBO

A:          Everyone thinks they know best. We kind of covered this above, GG. And in this case, they think that if you’re alone, you must be LONELY. Well, that isn’t true at all. I honestly am happiest alone, because people are suck most of the time. Sure, sometimes I feel the need for socializing. But then I realize, HEY, this is why I like my quiet apartment! Because people sometimes come into my personal space bubble and also say stupid things like “Nice weather!” and “What did you do different with your hair?” and when you say “I don’t know, brushed it?” LAUGH AND LAUGH LIKE YOU ARE THE FUNNIEST. Back to my hidey-hole! Tell those people to suck it, GG. If people can’t handle being alone and they need constant validation from other sycophants they obviously aren’t on your level of awesomeness.

Q:         How do I convince my mother to finally give up smoking?–COUGHING IN CHICAGO

A:          Your best bet is to get your mom to move to NY? Because here, cigarettes are like $10 a pack and also you can’t smoke anywhere indoors and if you smoke outdoors and any non-smoker walks anywhere near where you’re smoking they look at you like you just killed their baby even if they don’t even HAVE a baby because you dared be smoking and they caught the slightest whiff because HOW DARE YOU BE POLLUTING THE AIR YOU HEATHEN PIECE OF SHIT. She’d quit if she lived here. I think there might be 8 smokers left in all of NY state. It’s possibly why we’re in such financial hardship at the moment. NOT VERY WELL THOUGHT-OUT, LAWMAKERS!

Q:        How do you know if a guy really wants to hang out with you or if he just wants some? –16 GOING ON 17

How do u tell someone likes u more than a freind? –SEXXY BABBYSITTER

A:          OK, kiddos, I put these together to help you both out at once, because your questions are similar-ish. Also, SB, I think it would behoove you to look at the sentence structure and grammar 16GO17 is using up there? There’s a world of difference. Also, probably don’t use that screen name ever, ever again. KTHX. Anyway. 16GO17, SB, you’re entering the world of dating. It’s a tough place, filled with questions that are virtually impossible to answer. But I will help you! I’m happy to. 16GO17 – THEY ALL WANT SOME. And if they don’t, they’re probably a closeted gay man. But sometimes, the ones that want some ALSO want to hang out. Look for one of those. SB, again, your lack of command of basic grammatical skills makes me wonder if you want to know how to tell someone YOU like them more than as a friend, or if you want to know if someone ELSE likes you that way. I’m going on the assumption that it’s the latter. See my advice above for Reynard. ACTUALLY, *lightbulb* – you and Reynard seem like you might hit it off beautifully. Stick around after the show, I’ll hook you two crazy kids up.

Q:         Why do some people whose mother tongue is English confuse then and than? I encounter this so often now; it just bugs me. –GERMAN GRAMMARIAN

A:          Ah, GG, you’ve outed us. English speakers, as a rule? DON’T LIKE RULES. Nope! See, we came to this country (well, the American ones, anyway, and I’m pretty sure we’re the ones you’re referring to, because I know quite a few Brits and they’re pretty precise with their grammar, I’ve noticed!) to get AWAY from rules. And we’ve been rebelling ever since. Grammar is just one more thing to rebel against. Then/than? Their/they’re/there? A lot/alot? RULEBREAKERS, BABY! Oh, also a lot of people are very, very stupid, GG, and don’t pay attention in school. So it totally could be that, too. Don’t rule stupidity out.

Whew! I am EXHAUSTED. As you can see, I gave it my all. Don’t you feel totally enlightened and helped? Yeah, I thought so. NBD. All in a day’s work. You want in now, don’t you? Thought so. Send your questions along, email them, tweet them, comment them, hell, skywrite them, I don’t care, and maybe Dear Lucy can help YOU next time. I mean, unless she’s swimming through piles of helpful-question-related money, all Scrooge-McDuck-style. Which might very well be what she does when she’s not answering questions. I’ll never tell. That would be UNETHICAL.

Dear Lucy, Volume Two. You all need to start taking better advantage of me, seriously.

I am not 100% sure what’s going on with you all, honestly.

Last month, I did a very successful advice column in which I helped many, many people with very important issues. We discussed things like how to make men like you, and annoying people, and the Alvin and the Chipmunks theme. So of course this month, I was SURE I’d have a ton of questions. I mean, seriously, if I wasn’t me, I’d take advantage of my helpfulness and amazing advice-giving capabilities! But I AM me, and I cannot even tell you how well that’s going for me. I was telling Luis Fernando, my poolboy, just the other day – oh, have I not told you about Luis Fernando? Yes, he’s Argentinian, and quite a catch! I’ll have to have you over sometime, his caipirinhas are to die for, he muddles divinely. Anyhoo. What was I saying? Oh, yes. Nando and I were just saying, over sugarcane beverages and footrubs, what an excellent exciting time it is to be me, darling, I can’t even express the fabulosity of this existence!

FINE there is no Luis Fernando or fancy beverages and I hate footrubs but my place DOES have a really scuzzy pool over by the laundry room where there are always kids that look like they have ringworm, are you satisfied? SEND ME SOME DAMN QUESTIONS ALREADY I AM EXCELLENT AT ANSWERING THEM.

I got two questions this month. TWO! I am putting my complete and total expertise out there and you are not taking advantage. How often does a total stranger let you take advantage of them online without it being a sting operation? Not very damn often. It’s usually the other way around and it’s a Nigerian prince trying to steal your money or tell you about the lottery you won that you never played.

I expect better from you, internet. I really do. FOR SHAME. Well, except the two questions that WERE submitted. All good things to you, question-submitters. As a thank you, please accept my totally awesome and not-at-all tongue-in-cheek advice.

So I went to Yahoo Answers and got some questions from there so I can help those people. Because listen, have you ever BEEN to Yahoo Answers? THEY NEED MY HELP.

Dear Lucy, Volume Two

(A Very Helpful and Not-at-All-Snarky Advice Column) 

Q:         I’m in need of a real good life quote. What’s your favorite life quote/saying? – THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

A:          Well! Hello, Truth. I appreciate that you’ve come to me for guidance. I am super-good at helpful guidance, as seen by last month’s column and above and pretty much everywhere I can be found. Let’s see. You want a quote about life. Here is a quote about life that I think will not only apply to every single situation you encounter, but will make people think you are literate and well-read and possibly a little unhinged and storm-cloudy. “What fresh hell is this?” Dorothy Parker said that. You can have that one, for tee-shirts, or whatever. With my compliments. All for you, Truth! What’s that? You wanted something more cheerful? Well, you’re a little picky, and I don’t think I like your tone. Fine. Then you get “Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.” I think you’ll find that one applies to life and to you in particular. Who’s that one from? Google it, Truth. If you can’t use Google, I’m sorry, I can’t help you any further.

Q:         Why do gay people think their better than everyone else when god says there not? –OPEN-MINDED

A:          I have some questions, actually, before I answer yours, OM. First: grammatically-speaking, can you spot all three of your errors in this question? I’m only speaking grammatically. I’m not speaking dogmatically or even intelligence-wise. Because if we’re talking about “are gay people better than me, based on my command of English grammar rules,” the answer is YES. YES MOST OF THEM ARE. Second, did God talk to you and tell you that gay people aren’t better than everyone else? Or did you read that in the Bible? If so, where, exactly? I’d like chapter and verse, please. Because I know all of the passages that the thumpers like to spout when hate-speechifying, and none of them refer to “and then God spoke and He said ‘no man that lyeth down with another man as with a woman is better than everyone else.'” Third, what kind of gay people are you hanging out with? Because the ones I know don’t think they’re “better” than everyone else. They think they’re the SAME as everyone else. And as such, should be afforded the same rights and privileges. So, to answer your not-at-all-hurting-my-brain-and-eyes question, OM, the answer is they don’t, and God doesn’t, and there = where it is, their = belonging to them, and they’re = they are. An example sentence, in which they are all used correctly, is “There is something wrong with people who are vocally homophobic when they’re being hate-filled and evil by sharing their views publicly in such a fashion.”

Q:        Why do people who don’t believe in marriage get married? Background: a friend is going through a divorce after a year of marriage and, when questioned, said he didn’t ever want to get married, he just did it because his girlfriend wanted to. –RENO-STYLE

A:          My guess, Reno, is cake. Cake and societal pressure. Both are very strong forces; one for good, one for evil. Let’s delve further into this cake issue. Recently, there has been this stupid meme going around Facebook. One of those “tag the top six people in your profile” things. And twice now I’ve been tagged as “the person most likely to steal and eat all of your wedding cake.” Well, that is CORRECT. I don’t know about stealing, though. At weddings? THEY GIVE YOU CAKE. It’s true! You get cake. On a little plate! And it’s usually delicious. Although sometimes it’s fruit-filled or has jam and that’s just a mean, mean trick. That’s like adding raisins to a chocolate chip cookie. Why so mean, fruit people? Wedding cake should not have fruit. Unless it’s pineapple. I could be down with pineapple. Anyway, I can see someone who was ambivalent about linking his or her future permanently to someone else’s letting their decision be made by cake. I mean, there’s a HUGE cake. And it’s all for you. (Well, and your guests. But you get first dibs. And probably leftovers.) Second, societal pressure. Society expects us to pair up. And also, the paired-up folks make you WANT to pair up! I mean, you see on television and in movies and whatnot these adorable couples making dinner and finishing each other’s sentences and getting all the exciting latte makers in huge piles of wedding gifts and eating all the cake and such, and you want that! YOU TOTALLY WANT THAT. But then reality sets in, and you have someone living in your house ALL THE TIME. And they aren’t as nice to you as when you were dating. And they don’t leave! When they get annoying, they don’t go home! BECAUSE THEY ARE HOME. So you are stuck until you get a divorce. But once you get a divorce, I bet people bring you all kinds of pity cake. So that’s kind of a win, if you think about it in a positive light.

Q:         Do girls like black hair? –CLARK KENT

A:          I would assume so, Clark. Did you hear differently? Did someone tell you, Clark! Dye your hair another color or I’m so not going to the Spring Formal with you? I can’t say I 100% understand your question, honestly. You are talking about hair on your head, right, and not weird body hair or something? I think girls might like a lot of things. It changes, as they age. When you’re a kid, girls like the boys who make them laugh and share their snacks. When you’re a teenager, girls like the boys who…well, make them laugh and share their snacks. And as adults, women like the men who…shit, it doesn’t change at all, does it? We all just want a guy who makes us laugh and shares his Combos at recess. The color of a guy’s hair really isn’t something we consider. Well, not really. We all have preferences, I guess. I’m a fan of ginger boys and don’t trust blondes; others might dig brunettes or Mr. Clean bald men, for all I know. I guess my answer is yes, Clark, yes, girls like black hair. Just make sure it’s washed. Oh, and don’t do that Bieber emo comb-forward shit. It makes me twitchy. Also I Tourette’s-like yell out “HOW CAN HE SEE?” when I am around those kids. It’s involuntary.

Q:         Why does my cat claw the door when I’m in the bathroom, run in when I open the door, and jump on top of the hamper? –KITTY MAMA

A:          Because it is a cat. Cats do a lot of stupid things. Sometimes mine gets the heebie-jeebies and I think sees a ghost and starts yowling at the wall and then plays dead and then runs around and his tail gets all big and then attacks my ankle. I don’t have an explanation for that, either. My guess is your cat, like almost every cat I’ve ever met, is a crazy, furry, neurotic mess. The door is SHUT! He wants it OPEN! You are SITTING! He wants to SIT BY YOU! You are PEEING! He wants to ALSO BE IN THE ROOM! Nuts, Kitty. They’re nuts. But they’re really warm and furry and give headbutts, so we deal with the insanity.

Q:         What does it mean when a guy rests his leg against yours under a table? –CURIOUS KATE

A:          Kate, this is a very good question. It could mean many things, depending on context. Is the table small? There could be just not enough room and he has no choice. Is there a ton of room under there? He could be participating in frottage. Is he jiggling his leg around a lot? He could be trying to scratch an itch. Is he moving his foot around a lot and is your purse under the table? He could be trying to pickpocket you by grabbing your pursestrap with his foot like in this old movie I watched once and also don’t ever put your purse on a restaurant floor because it is FILTHY down there. Oh, I am informed by a friend you are fishing around for me to tell you that he is indicating he is interested in you sexually. Well, that seems tobe a very stupid way of showing it. Putting his hot sticky leg on yours? Why doesn’t he just club you over the head and cart you off to his cave over his shoulder? The next time you want to know if someone lurrrves you once you start engaging in the phantom leg bumpage, Kate, I suggest simply saying the following (which only works if his name is Frederick): “Frederick, I notice you are resting your leg against mine under the table. I am enjoying this sensation, but am not sure of your intentions. If you are making an overture of romance toward my person, please speak of it to me; I am eager to wed, as I hear there is cake.”

Q:         Why isn’t romance like it is in the movies? –WHEN HARRY MET SALLY

A:          Listen, here is a story that might help you in your situation, Sally. Last night, I watched Beastly. Everyone told me I would hate it, not just my friends but reviewers, random people, the person I rented it from, EVERYONE. And I didn’t hate it. Now, I know what you’re thinking! I am broken and you never want to come to a movie with me. Well, that is TRUE. However! It was kind of touching and really dorky at times and the book was a kajillion times better but it was sweet, aw, and had people I liked in it and also NPH who is my favorite. What? Where am I GOING with this? You obviously don’t understand how it works, being a super-awesome advice columnist. You get to the point ORGANICALLY. Like cage-free eggs. Oh, I have no idea where I was going with this. Why isn’t romance like it is in the movies? That’s a stupid question. NOTHING’S like it is in the movies. Your best friend never falls in love with you, there aren’t 80 million serial killers on the loose at any given time, no one has a secret crush on you, there’s not always an Armageddon happening, there aren’t always car chases, and the guy you fight all the time with doesn’t secretly love you, he really does hate you, that’s why you’re fighting with him. Sorry. If you get a movie romance happening, good for you. But I wouldn’t hold my breath. Go take up roller derby or something. Those women seem kick-ass to me.

Q:         How do you handle a 45-year old woman who just married a 25-year old and has turned into a huge raging dump toward her children? –GRR, ARGH

A:          Grr, this is a shitty situation all around. First, a 25-year old? I’m thinking he heard the cake rumors. When I was 25, I was not ready to get married. Or even do the dishes on a nightly basis, actually. So that’s kind of a suspicious thing to me, right there. Second, I’m assuming since they “just” married, they’re in the honeymoon phase, which means lots of sex? So maybe just stay away until that’s all over with? Although in my experience, all that sex should have a calmative effect and it seems to be doing the opposite with her. I’m at a loss. And I really did want to help. So I’m going to suggest ninja stars. I think they’re really the best solution, and no one would suspect you because listen, who has ninja stars just laying around? They would probably suspect the new husband, to be frank. (As as aside, when I was in college, my roommate and I were reading our welcome-to-college brochure, and it had a list of do’s and don’ts. And one of the prohibited items was “chukka sticks.” So we were all, “What the hell is a chukka stick?” until we realized probably whoever wrote the thing thought that’s what kids today were calling nunchucks. This was one of the highlights of my junior year.) And also, nice usage of “huge raging dump.” Please to be teaching the grammar to Open-Minded above?

Q:         What did you do today, baby?–BINOCULAR BOY

A:          I don’t…I woke up and came to work and did some work and now I am writing super-good advice ARE YOU WATCHING ME RIGHT NOW? Because that is freaking me OUT. Stop it. STOP IT. Who writes into an advice column with a question like this? DISTRESSING. You know what I DIDN’T do today? Forget to sharpen my knives or load my shotgun. Get out of my tree, McFly, I don’t need any Peeping Toms today.

Now you are HELPED. Go! Help others with your newfound wisdom! And the next time I ask you to send me questions, SEND THEM WEIRDOS. I can’t help you if you won’t let me.  And just between us, you totally need it. But your hair or whatever you’re wearing today looks fabulous!

Dear Lucy, Volume One. SHUT UP I AM VERY HELPFUL.

Today I woke up and bounded out of bed with a smile on my face. “Hello, world!” I chirped, like a happy bluebird. “Here I am! Today is the day I make a difference! Today is the day I help people! Today is MY DAY!”
Then my alarm went off and I realized that was all a dream, I only got a few hours of sleep last night, I feel like shit warmed twice over, and the only chipper thing about me is the daydream I’m having about putting every single person I encounter into a wood chipper.
That will not stop me, however! Today I WILL make a difference. Listen, there are a lot of people out there that need advice. A lot of them. I mean, you type “advice” into Google and you get a ton of stuff. For example, if you type “Yahoo answers” into Google, do you know what the first thing that comes up in the auto-fill is? I bet you don’t! Because I didn’t! There is no way you can prepare yourself for this!
“I killed someone.”
Yes. Someone (or a number of people, because I assume that it is a popular question, otherwise why would it be the first thing that pops up?) went on Yahoo Answers to ask what to do POST-MURDER. Um. You are aware that the cops can track you, right, Killer?
OK, well, I’m not going to help with things like that. Because honestly, I have no idea what to do post-murder. I mean, I talk a big game, and believe me, there are people in my life that if they stopped coming around, they would NOT be missed. But I’m really not a go-to person when it comes to advice in covering up a capital crime. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I feel like I would immediately be discovered. I can’t even hide my emotions when I hate someone – so obviously an entire dead body is going to be a little more difficult than that to hide. So no, Murder Person, sorry, not your place for advice today, sorry.
What do you need, when you are about to start your very fabulous career as the next Dear Abby, only you are going to, of course, be Dear Lucy? Questions! You need questions! So of course, first, I went to Twitter. And Twitter…was not helpful. I got four questions. FOUR! This could be due to the fact that I phrased my request as “I would like to give you advice. It will not be good advice. So send me questions.” One person, who I don’t even know, said if she wanted bad advice, she’d ask her ex. Yes, sure, you COULD do that, complete and total stranger, but would your ex snark at you in a lovingly helpful and hysterical way? I THINK NOT, PERSON I DON’T KNOW. I THINK NOT. Your loss, stranger I will never talk to again.
So next, I went to my partner-in-crime, my internet BFF, the love of my life. Google. And realized there are a WEALTH of questions that need answering on Google. So there you go! I am set up. My empire! It will be a vast one, filled with MANY HELPFUL ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS.
Without further ado:
Dear Lucy
(A Very Helpful and Not-at-All-Snarky Advice Column)
Q:        What is the difference between a smile and a frown? –JENNIEO
A:        Well! An auspicious beginning, to be sure, Jennieo! First, let me extend my sympathies for your disability. It must be so difficult to be blind. I do so hope you have a dog. Because if you are blind, one of the few perks must be a helper animal, right? But not a monkey. You don’t have a monkey, right? Because it will eat your face. Just to let you know. I mean, maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually it will completely eat your face. We covered this yesterday. Read yesterday’s blog for more info on face-eating monkeys. Wait, how are you reading this and writing questions if you are blind? Is there Braille internet? Or internet with voice technology, or something? There must be. I never thought of that. Isn’t learning fun? What’s that? You’re not blind? Then I don’t understand the question and you’re an idiot. One is right-side-up and means someone either likes you or is pretending to; one is upside-down and means someone hates you or has gas. NEXT QUESTION.
Q:        Can man creation make a mistake? –QUIRFGW
A:        Hello, Quir…I’m going to call you Q, won’t that be easier? Yes. I wish I had an answer for you, Q. I truly do. But to be honest? I don’t 100% understand what you’re asking me. Is this an existential question, like, “If we’re made in God’s image, and God is perfection, how can we make mistakes?” Or is it about something like Frankenstein’s monster, and it’s about MAN’S creation, in which case, of COURSE our creations can make mistakes, I mean, we created fashion and there are missteps LEFT and RIGHT all over there, you know, like rompers. Or are you asking if a mistake was made in the creation of man, and whoever, or whatever created us meant to create something else, like many-legged pink insects with ears for eyes, something along those lines? You’ve exhausted me with the possibilities, Q. Utterly exhausted me. I need a cooling beverage and a backrub. Except I hate backrubs more than anything in the world. One time, a woman gave me an unexpected backrub, and it tensed me up for a week, I hate them so much. DON’T TOUCH ME, Q.
Q:        How do you know if you have Tainted Love? –SOFT CELL
A:        This question could go in one of two ways, really, Soft Cell. If you’re asking if you have the totally bitchin’ song from 1981, I’d say listen for the line “once I ran from you, now I run to you.” That would be a good indication. Also, listen for synthesizers. They’re always a good indicator of 80’s music. I mean, from your name, and from the capitalization of your question, I would say that’s probably what you’re asking? But if you’re asking if your actual romance has been sullied, I’d start looking for tell-tale signs. Lipstick on the collar. Cell phone calls in the middle of the night. Cold sores. Crabs. Things of that nature.
Q:        Why are guys so complicated? –SAD IN MINNESOTA
A:        Aw. Aw, you. Well! That’s really the age-old question, isn’t it? Here. I’m going to do you two favors. First! MOVE OUT OF MINNESOTA. It’s COLD there! DAMN! You’re welcome. NOW! Second. If you don’t like complicated guys, look for stupid ones. They’re not that hard to spot. They usually hang out in places like county fairs and sports bars and Spencer’s Gifts, and they laugh really hard at jokes like “Git R Done” and “I Don’t Trust Anything that Bleeds for 5 Days and Doesn’t Die.” Then date that guy. Complicated? Not him! Easy as pie! Things will be smooth sailing for you, Sad! Problem solved, right? No, no, I don’t ask anything in return for your lifelong happiness. You don’t even have to invite me to the wedding! Really. Really, please don’t.
Q:        How do you get a guy to like you? –ALEX FORREST
            Well, Alex, a good question indeed! To “get” a guy to like you, you need a few things, ready? 1. Duct tape 2. Edible panties 3. One of those green plastic eye-shades that old-time accountants wear 4. A rotary-dial telephone 5. Three different colors of water-soluble food coloring. You wrote that down, didn’t you. Seriously, Alex? Sigh. OK, here’s the scoop. If you need to “get” a guy to like you, it’s not worth it. I’ve been around a while. If he doesn’t like you right off, he’s not going to start. Trust me. You can stalk him, you can write him tortured poetry, you can buy him things, you can attempt to seduce him in every way you know how, but it’s not going to work because he’s not interested. Not that I’ve done any of those things. Ha. I mean, who would do those things? Crazy people, that’s who. Ahem. Anyway. Just be patient, Alex. I know it’s tough, but someday, someone will like you, and you won’t have to “get” them to. Heads up, though, you certainly don’t boil his bunny or show up randomly in his house or take his kid! Shit. I just realized where I recognized your name from.
Q:        What should I wear to my boyfriend’s family party? – MEET THE
A:        Clothes. But not hookery ones. Unless his family is into that. I don’t know. Are they WASP-y? Then probably try to fit into that paradigm. If they’re trashy, showing up in couture is probably going to make them think you feel like you’re “better than them” and they might beat you up behind the dumpster that they use for their barbeque pit/family swimming pool. Maybe just wear khakis and a decent shirt of some sort without a stain on the left boob and hope like hell they’re not nudists.
Q:        I just found out that my brother has done heroine twice? – BIG SIS
A:        Holy crap, seriously? WHICH ONE? Wonder Woman? Catwoman? Harley Quinn? Vixen? Supergirl? Mystique? Are they going steady? Will she be coming over to your house? You might become BFF’s. She might become your SISTER-IN-LAW. How awesome would THAT be? He’d better not cheat on her, though. Because if he does, I think the retribution might be swift and pretty bloody. THIS IS TOTALLY AMAZING, Big Sis. My congratulations. I couldn’t be more excited for you! Oh, you probably want advice. I’d say, play it cool, and tell your brother to eat plenty of lean protein, as she probably has a lot of stamina and he’ll want to keep up. And have fun! What an exciting time for you and your brother!
Q:        How can I convince my future mother-in-law not to come to my bachelorette party? – BRIDE TO BE
A:        Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials, BTB! I guess I have a question for you. I know, I know. You’re asking ME for advice. Sorry. I have to ask. Is this a thing? Mother-in-laws coming to bachelorette parties? Because isn’t it for your friends and such? How awkward would it be if you were making out with a male stripper while you’re wearing a light-up penis hat and a pin that says “MY LAST NIGHT OF FREEDOM” and your future mom-in-law was watching? Totally awkward, is how. Are you sure she even wants to come? If so, I’d say, a few minutes before she’s supposed to leave for the party, send a male escort over to her house to “fix her pipes” or “deliver her a pizza” or whatever it is the cover story is they use in porno. And then she won’t come because she’ll be too busy “having sex with a prostitute.” There you go!
Q:        Two of my BM’s can’t get along. Advice, please? – SOON-TO-BE-
A:        I’m sorry. I’ve had the giggles since I read this, because I wasn’t aware that bridesmaids was abbreviated “BM”? And in my world, in which a toddler is a major part, bowel movement is abbreviated that way? And I couldn’t understand why two of your bowel movements couldn’t get along and it was really an icky but funny mental picture, to tell you the truth? OK. Let’s get it together, here. I am a very serious advice columnist, after all. Someone I know had this issue, and the bride was a total Bridezilla and fired the one I liked. So is that the problem, STBM? Are you a Bridezilla? Are you always yelling at people and smacking your groom about the face and neck and such? Maybe you need to check yourself before you wreckedy-wreck yourself?
Q:        How do I make the voice in my head stop singing the “Alvin & the Chipmunks” theme song? –CRAZY MAKING
A:        This IS a tough one. Well, I think there are two ways you can do this. One, replace it with a different earworm – I recommend Tainted Love, which has been running NON-STOP in my head since I answered that question above, THANKS A LOT, Soft Cell, sheesh – or, two, do a lot of drugs and/or alcohol, which should cause you to black out (no songs in your head when you’re dead to the world!) and then wake up with a raging hangover (again, no room for songs when you’ve got a headache like a drum in there!) Or, I suppose, you could do a type of immersion therapy, and force yourself to watch the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies. But I really wouldn’t recommend that. (Side note – were you aware that my super-hot secret boyfriend, Matthew Grey Gubler, plays one of those chipmunks? Distressing!)
Q:        How do you deal with a legion of friends who play “Vampire the Masquerade” and it just creeps you out?!?!?! –GAMERGRRL
A:        I didn’t know what this was, so I looked it up because listen, anything for you people. And although the Wikipedia article was kind of confusing and had a lot of words in it I didn’t quite understand, I gather that this is an RPG. Now, is it an RPG like I remember D&D being when I was a kid and the boys wouldn’t let me play and I really wanted to and they would roll dice and it looked fun because those dice had so many awesome sides and you got to make things up and also there was an episode of Community that made D&D seem awesome as long as you play it with the right people? Or is it a scary RPG where the people walk around in costume and pretend to be the characters and it’s hard to tell where reality ends and their weirdness begins and they have crazy eyes? My advice, GamerGrrl, is if it creeps you out, bring along a stake or some garlic or a cross, and when they’re getting too douchey, wield them at your friends and tell them to stay back. They will have to, right? Because they’re “vampires”? And then you can go off and do something productive like read or watch True Blood or whatever you like to do.
Q:        How do you face fears… like… say… fear of dolls or stupid Disney creatures? –SCARRED4LIFE
A:        Honestly, I HAVE NO IDEA. This QUESTION is horrifying to me. Why would you WANT to face these fears? Because dolls and characters in suits WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL. Don’t face them! RUN FAR FAR AWAY. And then wherever you end up, line your windowsills and doors with salt like they do on Supernatural because that keeps out the baddies. Dolls and furries. Good gracious, Scarred4Life! I’m not even going to be able to sleep tonight now. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY.
Q:        How do you deal with overly fake people? Because you know my answer is gasoline and blowtorch. –KICKASS MCGEE
A:        Let me tell you a story, Kickass. Once, I came across an overly fake person. But I knew that person was being fake, because I’d heard from a mutual friend that the fake person hated me, and was saying shit behind my back. But whenever the fake person would see me, the fake person would be all, “Oh! How ARE you! So nice to SEE you! Blah blah BLAH blah! Fakety fake fake fake!” And I wanted to throw up in my mouth a little. So what I did was sit the fake person down and say, “Listen, fake person, how can we work out our differences to a mutually pleasing solution?” and we talked, and laughed, and I think we both left a little richer in knowing one another that day. Oh, wait, that didn’t happen. Really, what happened is I refused to talk to the fake person and would always be scowling when they came around and made it so uncomfortable for the fake person to be around me that the fake person, to this day, won’t come to places where I will be, and tells people that they think I might be “unhinged.” Well, Fake McFake Fake, take a look in your mirror of fakeness, and see which one of us is missing hinges, why don’t you? Oh. This is kind of becoming about me, isn’t it. I suppose the adult way to deal with them is just to smile and nod and limit your exposure to them as much as possible and try to put yourself in their shoes? But the CORRECT way to deal with it is your way. But once you’ve killed them, don’t come to me for body-disposal advice. I seriously just don’t know what to do. Maybe bury it? Somewhere that’s not here? I don’t know.
Well! This has been very productive AND helpful! If you would like your questions answered in a future edition of Dear Lucy, don’t hesitate to send me an email. Unless your question is stupid. Or if it’s serious. Or time-sensitive. OK, I really have a lot of disclaimers on this. I AM A VERY GOOD ADVICE COLMNIST DAMMIT.

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