Category Archives: Buffy

Miss Edith speaks out of turn. She’s a bad example and will have no cakes today.

Time for some weird, wild, and wonderful news from the world. There’s a LOT of weirdness going on around this big ol’ planet. First I found one article, then another, then ANOTHER, and well! How could I just let THAT pass? I could not. No no no.

I promised Ken I would not talk about The Goat Man of Utah because:

So keep an eye on Ken’s blog (which you should be doing anyway, because it is consistently awesome) because he has promised to talk to us about The Goat Man of Utah at some point, and listen, it is going to be the BEST. Because Ken is OF THE GOATS.

(I was totally going to surprise Ken with this but then I decided I couldn’t because that photo up there is CRACKING MY SHIT UP. S0 I totally just tweeted it to him. I probably shouldn’t be any sort of secret-keeper. I try REALLY HARD to keep secrets but sometimes I just get SO EFFING EXCITED about things. Ken says that instead of telling all of YOU I should be telling KLOUT because I consistently forget to go over to Klout and give him sarcastic +Ks about his goaty influence. So the minute he told me to do that, I went to Klout and not ONLY gave him +Ks in goats, I gave him a whole NEW topic, because Klout is super-weird about things? And the topic was “Hey, Pa! There’s a goat on the roof! [Game].” What does it MEAN? This is a GAME? It seems like it might be a pretty easy game to win. Like, if there’s a goat on the roof, and you see it, you’re the winner, right? WINNER! Oh, shit. I just looked this game up and it’s a REAL THING. From the 60s! A Parker Brothers game! Where the goal was to get your goat to the roof!


Oh, man, 60s. You were not only filled with psychedelic drugs and love children, you were filled with WHIMSICAL BOARD GAMES.)

OK, let’s see. Today in news of the weird (both from MERKA and also China!) we have a cat burglar of PORN, another burglar (this one of MAN-MEAT), VAMPIRES VAMPIRES VAMPIRES!, and how sorely sex education seems to be needed in China.

Let’s see. We’ll start with the porn-burglar.

So, in Oregon, a man was breaking into houses. He wasn’t stealing anything! No no no. He was breaking in to do something much more important: to watch porn in other people’s homes.

SO much more fun in other’s homes. While they’re sleeping about a foot away. Right? Right? Wait, NOT right? Ugh, I AM CONFUSED ABOUT THE RULES.

He had internet at home. And apparently also porn. But it was just SUPER-EXCITING to break into someone else’s home and…um…pleasure himself on someone ELSE’S computer.

He got caught because a kid woke up in the middle of the night and was all, “Dad? What? No? WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING? WHY ARE YOUR PANTS OFF?” Yep, he was jackin’ it in a room with a kid sleeping in it. Winner!

Then they matched his…um…fingernail clippings? Yeah, let’s go with that…to fingernail clippings found in two OTHER houses and realized he was the Salami Smuggler. I don’t love that. Someone help me think of a good moniker for this guy. I mean, other than Pervy Pete. That one’s taken, obviously. I haven’t talked about him much lately, but don’t worry. Pervy Pete’s still here. You can’t get rid of Pervy Pete without a LOT of antibiotics.

So! In Oregon, apparently it’s a THING to break into people’s HOMES to watch porn on their computers. I like that there are three people in the world who can say “I never visited that site! THAT’S NOT MINE!” and NOT BE LIARS.

Next! Stolen organs – no, not kidneys, you thought it was kidneys, didn’t you? Not kidneys.


Well, just one penis. But I’m sure it meant a lot to the person who it was stolen from.

Mr. Fei Lin, a man in China, was sleeping like a baby one night when a group of unknown nefarious ne’er-do-wells broke into his home. They put a bag over his head, and in his highly agitated state, he was not aware of what was happening. They left, and he took the bag off his head. And realized: DUDE MY PENIS IS GONE. Only, he was in China, so he thought it in Chinese, obviously. I bet screaming sounds the same in Chinese and English. It’s like the universal language. Like LOVE.

Apparently, Mr. Lin was a local lothario, and had ALL THE SEX with ALL THE LADIES. The spurned lovahhhhhs of the ladies that Lin took out a’steppin’ are suspected of being the gang of penis-removers. No one can prove it, though, and NO ONE CAN FIND THE PENIS DUN DUN DUNNNNN. Aw, Mr. Lin. I’d tell you to keep it in your pants, but you’d have to find it first, now wouldn’t you? I’m sorry. That was super-mean and he was the victim of a horrible crime, even if he was kind of a dog. I couldn’t help myself IT WAS TOO GOOD. I’m not a saint, here, people.

Give us the monster! Or…the guy that’s been boning our lay-deez!

So! Porn porn porn housebreaking porn, and STOLEN PENIS!, and now – VAMPIRES!

You know how we’re all freaked out about the zombies? I think probably that’s a good way for the vampires to sneak in, when no one’s even thinking of them, and then TAKE OVER.

In Massachusetts, a random lady was at a playground. She had something in her hand. “What’s that in your hand?” the local kiddos asked her. (Ew, no, this isn’t going in a weird gross place like that, don’t worry.) She was all, “it is a baby bat! Want to hold it?” and most of the kids were like, “Um, STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!” but not one little girly, who was like, “I want to hold the cute baby bat!” and the lady was like, “YES YES” and then the girl held the bat and the bat bit her, well, DUH, and the girl’s mom brought the girl and the bat to the hospital and SURPRISE, that bat had RABIES.

Sure, they LOOK cute, until they INFECT YOU WITH RABIES. Or maybe vampirism.

No one can find the bat-lady.

That’s because she’s a VAMPIRE, of course. Getting her pet bats to bite people and give them the rabies. Or the vampirism. No, of COURSE the article isn’t saying vampirism. The article isn’t just going to SAY something like that. I do like this quote from the article: “The woman told the children she had a degree in bat biology, according to the Daily Mail. She has not yet been identified.” Does that NOT sound like something that a VAMPIRE would say? “A degree in bat biology.” Strangely specific! Oddly stilted! YES YES YES!

Am I the only one who imagined the person hanging out in the playground to look a lot like this?

Do you like daisies? I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies.

So sure they cured that girl of her “rabies.” SURE THEY DID. Listen, I watch a lot of True Blood and Vampire Diaries and Buffy and Angel and such. I know about the vampires. I know. There’s no cure for vampirism. Well, staking. Staking cures vampirism. Do you think they staked that girl?

Finally: China! Where they are quite confused by what’s real and what’s a sexual enhancement aid!

Twice recently (once last month, once this month) China’s made some sort of weird huge snafu concerning a sex toy. It’s kind of concerning. I feel like maybe they need to take a class.

First: last month, when digging for a well, these villagers found this thing. And they were all, what is this thing? We do not know. We will call the news! So they called the news, and the news sent over this very young, very sweet reporter, who did a HUGE report on what she THOUGHT was a magical, mystical, underground mushroom, that had only been rumored, and there was a legend it granted immortality.

Then people started watching the program and were all, “Um…lady? That’s a sex toy.”

(That link’s all in Chinese, but there are subtitles. And also not the most safe for work. But as I’m unemployed, what the hell do I care? There’s a mushroom/sex toy in it, is all I’m saying. It just made me laugh because EVERYONE TOUCHES THAT THING. And who knows where it’s been? Also, side note, who threw their sex toy down a well? Hee! I AM DONE WITH YOU NOW, FLESHLIGHT! DOWN THE WELL WITH YOU! I WISH YOU INTO THE CORNFIELD!)

You’re a bad sex toy! A very bad sex toy!

It’s like the people who used to look at Georgia O’Keefe’s artwork and say, “vaginas? What? No. THOSE ARE FLOWERS.”

What a pretty flower! What do you MEAN it’s not a flower? OF COURSE IT IS DUH.

Then, just a few days ago, 18 cops in China worked together to save a drowning woman for over an hour. A huge crowd gathered. Everyone was very worried about this poor lady. Would she be ok? An hour in the water, that was a long time! And they finally got her out! A huge sigh of relief went up throughout the crowd!

And it was a sex doll all along.

The sex doll doesn’t seem to have taken well to the watersports. Heh.

The cops “presented it to the anxious crowd, who quickly covered their children’s eyes and walked away.” Hee! NO NO JOHNNY DON’T LOOK. A drowned lady, that would have been ok, but a DIRTY DIRTY SEX DOLL! That’s not ok.

So I see this problem having two prongs, so to speak:

A. People in China need to be more educated about what sex toys and aids look like, and how to recognize them versus either the real thing or a magical mystical legendary dual-headed mushroom;


B. People in China need to learn to dispose of their used sexual toys and aids in a less public and more sanitary manner. In the garbage? OK. In a well or in a river? NOT OK CHINA.

So! What have we learned today, ladies and gentlemen and everyone else that might or might not be skulking here and there reading my blog or just hanging out here for the photos of wet sex dolls? Don’t break into homes to jack it; don’t sleep with the lady-friends of angry men in your town; don’t handle wild animals, even if Drusilla from Buffy tells you it’s ok; and don’t throw your sex toys away all willy-nilly. THINK OF THE CHILDREN. Also cops and small-town villagers and innocent-looking news reporters.

Dammit, now I want something with mushrooms in it. Yum, mushrooms.

Oh, want. WANT.

In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies.

I’ve mentioned this before, if you’ve been paying the least bit of attention (and if you haven’t, HELLO, McFly, you really need to be better at remembering the smallest details of my life, I mean, seriously, there could be a test someday and won’t you feel underprepared?) but I kind of dig vampires. Like, a lot. A LOT, a lot.

No, no. Not sparkly emo vampires. Do I really need to all-cap it? Fine, I know you want me to. VAMPIRES DON’T SPARKLE. I like good, old-fashioned broody, snarky, kickass vampires. Like:















Vampire Willow! I think she might be kinda gay.

So this weekend, I was chatting on Twitter (I know it really looks like that’s all I do all weekend and all week and pretty much all the time? And, well, that’s because it is. Sorry to burst your bubble. No, no, wait, that’s not true. Sometimes I also drive to and from work and also I go to the theater for committee-attending and once and a while I watch television. And also I sleep a little) and one of my secret-shame things came out.

I really, really, REALLY hate garlic.

Like, I detest garlic. Hate it. If I see it in a recipe, I’ll leave it out completely, even if subsequently, the finished product is as bland as a saltine. I don’t like the way it smells when it’s cooking; I don’t like the way it tastes in something; and it gives me a stomachache if it’s in something I’m eating.

(SIDE NOTE SIDE NOTE: There is one, one, ONE exception to this. Years and years ago, when I was living across the country, there was a pizza place that served the ***BEST PIZZA IN THE WORLD***. No, they didn’t advertise it like that. I did that. I put the stars and the all-caps. Because it deserved it. It was called The Vampire Killer Pizza. And it was, very simply, a white pizza, with four cheeses and fresh garlic in a buttery, slightly oily sauce on the best, lightest, chewiest crust I’ve ever eaten. Your breath was bad for a week after you ate it; you sweated garlic for days. I don’t know why, since I hate garlic, I loved this more than anything in the world and I still, ten years later, get cravings for it. But it was, and remains, the ***BEST PIZZA IN THE WORLD***.)

So after I admitted that I hate garlic (also, I hate onions – won’t eat them, hate the way they smell, taste, etc. – I’m not much of a fan of anything with a papery skin, apparently, I don’t know, although I do like shallots an awful lot?) this confused and upset Twitter to the point of I’m pretty sure they wanted to kick me off but they like me a lot so they didn’t. Thanks, Twitter.

But @heinakroon became convinced I was a vampire, so he made me take a test.

Last week, he wrote a fascinating piece on his blog (listen, they’re all fascinating, I’m going to beat you over the head with the intelligence of his blog until you all go over and follow him around until he has to start shooing you all off with a cricket bat, because he is one smart cookie, probably a delicious cookie, too, one with no raisins, DAMMIT RAISINS!) about immortality and how if women live until they’re 93 they’ll probably become lesbian vampires, which is exciting, because can you even imagine how much less televised sports there will be once the world is populated by all of us 93-year-old lesbian vampires? We are not going to stand for those shenanigans, let me tell you. We’re going to want quality television programming, not sports. I’m already really excited about this.

So because I don’t like garlic, poor @heinakroon was worried that maybe I was already a vampire. I asked him if there was a test I needed to take to see if I was a lesbian, too, and he said there was a very simple test I could take, but it might be embarrassing, and I realized that I took that test in college and failed miserably so I’m good on the lesbian front. I mean, at least for the next 56 years.

(BTW, I researched why vampires don’t like garlic and the interwebs seem to think it’s just because vampires have a heightened sense of smell and garlic reeks. I’m good with that. It does. Reek. It’s horrendous. I hate it so much. Except on the heavenly pizza of the gods that I have no explanation for, of course.)

So if someone sends me a test, I take it. I LOVE TESTS SO SO MUCH. Even stupid tests, like “What Pokemon Character Are You?” and I don’t even play Pokemon and wouldn’t know a single character if you threw one at me. I was very excited about this test. Apparently, you had to get at least half or also maybe 85% of the answers as positive to be a vampire. Well! I was pretty sure I could get at least a 50% or 85% (although your math seems a little wobbly there, sir, as those two numbers are a bit far apart, no?) I do very well on standardized testing. I ROCKED the SATs. AND the GREs. I brought the recommended number of sharp #2 pencils and EVERYTHING. I was PREPARED. It was AWESOME.

Anyway, so here is the test. The person who runs this website has this big old “don’t copy this without permission” disclaimer on his test, and what if he’s going to stake me or something? That’s worrisome. So I probably should paraphrase the questions and my results, right? I don’t want to get staked. So if you go to this guy’s website and you’re all “Amy’s questions aren’t the SAME WTTFFFFFFF” it’s because I rephrased them because I’m scared of this dude a little. I don’t know. What if he eats my face or something?

Now, first, you KNOW this site is legit, because it is BLACK with BLUE WRITING and is VERY SPOOKY. Also, at the top, there are links for things like “Approaching a real vampire” and “Telling your friends and family” and “A sobering moment from my past.” I would click on these things, but there’s a test to be taken. I’m a little curious about the sobering moment from this dude’s past, though. FINE I’M CLICKING. Um…it’s very confusing? I think the sobering moment was that he used to be dating a slayer and he’s a vampire and she didn’t kill him. So maybe Angel or Spike wrote this website, I’m not quite sure. Also, there’s a photo of a knife called “Hacky” on that page. And the handle of the knife looks like Rainbow Brite made it, or a stoner. Eh, it’s no Mr, Pointy, Vampire McGurk. (Oh, also, the vampire put his real name on the website. That seems like a bad idea. Won’t people either want to slay him or get bitten by him? He needs witness protection for vampires. Or at least an alias. I suggest Shemp. No one would presume someone named Shemp was a bloodsucker. I’m really good at this. FBI! You can totally call me up and have me make up names for your witness protection people, if you want! I am the most helpful!)

OK, let’s see if I’m a vampire. There are 38 questions. I have to get at least 19, or maybe 32, or more right to want to suck your blood. This is totally going to happen.

Are you unusually pale?

YES. I totally am! I can’t even go out in the sun, I burn like a mofo. Seriously, I have to buy that insanely high SPF baby sunscreen that’s like putting a brick wall around you when you go out in the summer if I even want to be out for like twenty minutes. That’s totally vampirific, right?

Points: 1 

Have you ever survived a deadly accident with only a few scratches and cuts?

No. But I’ve never been in a really deadly accident. So maybe I WOULD survive it with only a few scratches and cuts. I’m giving myself a half point for this one.

Points: .5

Do you naturally use magic or energy?

Um. I pretend to? I like to say “I AM SENDING YOU ALL THE MAGIC ENERGY.” But it very seldom works. I don’t think I’m very good at it. Or maybe I’m doing it wrong. Do you think I need an amulet of some sort? Most magical beings seem to have some sort of amulet.

Points: (sadly) 0

Were you the strongest, smartest, or quickest kid growing up, and when you were sixteen, were you all three?

Well! This is flattering. I WAS the smartest, actually. I know, I know, STOP BEING BRAGGY. No, I was. I was the smartest. That’s obviously why I was so popular, of course. And when I gave my valedictory speech, part of it was “five years from now, NONE OF YOU WILL EVEN BE FRIENDS ANYMORE.” That still makes me laugh. I was such a little shit.

I have never been strong or quick. I’m like a weak sloth.

Points: .33

Did your dad disappear from your life when you were a child?

He went hunting sometimes. But he always came back. What does this have to do with vampirism? This is more to do with absentee fatherism, I’d think. Or maybe whores.

Points: (thankfully, because I love my dad) 0

Do you hear “you look young for your age” or “I’d never have guessed you were that old” often?

HOLY HELL DO I EVER. One time, I told this guy how old I was? And he was all, “No you’re not.” And I said, “Why would I lie about how old I am?” And he said, “I don’t know, WHY WOULD YOU.” And I said, “I WOULDN’T, that is HOW OLD I AM.” And he said, “I thought you were probably 25.” Also, I constantly get carded at the liquor store, and I haven’t been 21 since the mid-90s.

Points: 1 (although I’m pretty sure I should get double points for this as I hear BOTH of the phrases in the question)

Do you have more energy at night than during the day?

YES SIRREE BOB. I am a bouncy ball of bounce at night. But during the day, I might as well be dead. That could be because I’m at work during the day, though. On my days off, I have the nighttime energy all day long. Hmm. This IS curious. HOW COULD THESE THINGS BE RELATED I WONDER.

Points: 1 

Do you heal more quickly than most?

Than most what? No. I take a year to heal. But that’s because I hurt myself a lot, and badly. I’m a big old clumsy oaf. Also, if I cut my legs more often when I shave, someone’s going to lock me up for a suicide attempt, I’m pretty sure. If that happens, please, minions, spring me from Four Winds. I promise I wasn’t trying to off myself. I just can’t see in the shower and I often cut an artery with my stupid slippery razor.

Points: 0

Do you have a high tolerance to alcohol and poison?

Let me knock back this hemlock my coworker considerately left for me this morning and I’ll let you know.

Points: 0

Do you switch between social and antisocial often?

Well, I guess. Depending on my mood. For example, this weekend? I went to a play? And I was the most social with the strangers in my row. I was like the life of the party with those people. They LOVED me. I was like their pre-show entertainment, seriously. I was like the person they get to warm up the crowd before the main event. I rocked the front row so hard. But mostly I like to not attend events, or sit in the corner glowering.

Points: 1

Do you rarely get sick, and if you do, do you recover quickly?

I DO rarely get sick. I don’t have the time for it, and also I’m a total germaphobe weirdo like Howard Hughes. But when I do get sick, it lasts for like a year and I’m a complete baby about it and I whine and cry and cough and mutter and I hate it so much I just want to be dead.

Points: .5

Are your six senses heightened?

One time, I was walking to my car, and the whole parking lot smelled like celery? But I think I was having a seizure or something, because there wasn’t any celery around.

Points: 0

Do you have excellent night vision?

Sure, if I’m wearing night-vision goggles, it’s great.

Points: 0

Do sudden loud noises or movements not scare you because you anticipated that they were coming?

I HATE BEING STARTLED. I’ll punch you in your NECK if you jump out at me, you “SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” bastard.

Points: 0

Do you catch falling objects quickly?

HA HA HA HA. See above: “clumsiest woman in the world.” Falling objects have a way of landing on me in such a way that they cut, maim, and mangle me in the most peculiar and unlikely of ways. I dropped a candleholder on my foot a few weeks ago and managed to cut my toe so deeply I bled all over my carpet and kitchen floor and kind of it was SPURTING. Like in Hostel.

Points: 0

Do you get a high from human blood, and do you pick up abilities from the people whose blood you drink?

Well, NOW we’re getting to the nitty gritty, aren’t we, Shemp?

No. Although, I could totally use some new abilities. I’d like to be able to draw. Anyone want to let me bite them? Any artists?

Points: 0

Are you sensitive to light, or the heat from light? 

Well, I get heatstroke when I’m in the sun, because I’m so pale I’m transparent. So yeah. Pretty much.

Points: 1

When you cut yourself, do you bleed little, or not at all? 

I’m the bloodiest person ALIVE. I’m like a non-clotter, dude. I bleed for like a YEAR.

Points: 0

Are your nails clear, glassy, and very strong?

Hee! No. That’d be funny, though. My nails are stained from constant use of nailpolish, and are currently sparkly green. You know, for Christmas.

Points: 0

Is your bedroom cold and dark?

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS SHEMP. Yes, it is. Because the heater in there works for shit, and also it’s in the back of the building so it gets no sun. Am I totally a vampire now?

Points: 1

Then the website told me to listen to a sound and if I could hear it, I was a vampire. I couldn’t even get the link to load, and it froze my whole computer. THAT IS VERY SUSPECT. But I’m not going to give myself a point, because I don’t like cheaters.

Points: 0

Can you digest more iron than the normal person?


Points: 0

When a person bumps into you do you get angry because you would never bump into someone because you always know how much room there is between you and others?

YES YES. I totally hate when people touch me. Last night? On the news? I watched this clip of a man who was groping people at the Walmart? And he groped this woman in the shampoo aisle? Only he did it really tentatively, and she didn’t even notice and then went onto the body wash aisle? And then he followed her and then totally grabbed her ass and she jumped like ten feet in the air and ran away and then he walked off like he owned the Walmart and he was wearing sweatpants.

I would not have liked that at all.

Points: 1

Do you feel an urge to travel?

Yes. I want to go to like 14 places at the moment. But I have zero dollars. If I pass this test, will I get some vampire money or something? My fingers are totally crossed.

Points: 1

When something smells strong, can you literally taste it?

YES. That’s why I hate garlic. And onions. And Fritos. Seriously, if someone is eating Fritos near me, I have to leave the room. They make me gag.

Points: 1

Can you hear whispers from across a room?

Is the room quiet? Is it a stage whisper or a regular whisper? Am I paying attention or distracted by something else? NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION SHEMP.

Points: .5

Is there a dark colored ring around the iris of your eye?

Yep. That’s pretty mysterious, right?

Points: 1

Is there a noticeably different color surrounding the pupil?

Again, YES. Shemp! You’re SCARING me! (Also, I have the prettiest eyes ever. Just letting you all know. They are ALL the colors.)

Points: 1

If someone said “come outside, it’s a nice sunny day, everyone’s there” to you, would you be happy or not?

I’d be all, “what the hell, I hate the sun and people.”

Points: 1 (I’m going to assume this is what a vampire would say, anyway, it’s pretty vague)

Are most of your friends considered weird?

HA HA HA HA YES AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Also, judgey much, Shemp? Why don’t you go play with your psychedelic hippie knife named Hacky.

Points: 1

Do you consider yourself a predator?

Of WHAT? This is perplexing. Things I hunt down: information on the internet; deals at the grocery store.

Points: 0

Do sunlight and bright light give you a headache?

You’re totally repeating yourself, Shemp. Sort of. I’m migraine-prone.

Points: .5

Do electrical appliances malfunction around you?

Not especially, no. Did you ever see the Twilight Zone where the guy’s electrical appliances were trying to kill him? Ha.

Points: 0

Are your dreams vivid and prophetic?

My dreams are idiotic and ridiculous. Last night I dreamed the guy I was in love with in high school let me borrow his hunting jacket to wear as a bathing suit coverup and I found Pez in the pocket and I went around telling everyone, “Look, this is how I know he loves me, because PEZ!”

Although, I wouldn’t mind if that was prophetic. He WAS dreamy. And, Pez.

Points: 0

Do people think you are empathetic?

I don’t know about empathetic. I’m practical. I give good advice. I worry about the people I care about too much. I don’t care about very many people, which is probably good, because I worry about them SO MUCH that if I had more people I care about, I think my head would explode. So I don’t know. Maybe?

Points: .5

Do people trust you completely or not at all?

This is the best question ever. I get a point, because I think EVERYONE gets a point for this one. “Do you like cheese, or not like cheese? THEN YOU GET A POINT.” “Do you sometimes wear shoes, or not wear shoes? POINT FOR YOU.”

Points: 1

Can you make things happen with the force of your will?

ZOMG I WISH I COULD. How awesome would THAT be? I have a LIST of things I would like to will into being. Vampires can do this? I’m going to track down Shemp because I want this power, like, NOW, please.

Points: 0

Does your mood affect people and animals around you?

Yes, because I have a HUGE PERSONALITY. I know, you’re shocked. Try not to be, my little rutabagas.

Points: 1


Tally! Tally! Time to tally! I’m so Jeff Probst right now yo!

The total is: drumroll…..drumroll…..


So I needed at LEAST a 19 or maybe a 32.


Alright, @heinakroon. I am not a vampire. Or a lesbian. Or a lesbian vampire. Or 93 years old.

I just really, really, REALLY hate garlic.

Dammit. I was so hoping to make things bend to my will while waving around my glass-like strong fingernails and also being snarky like Spike. This is really the saddest, you guys.

Oh, well. Maybe I’m a werewolf! Or a FAIRY! I’m going to look for tests RIGHT NOW. Back on that pony! I know I’m a mythical creature of some sort. I JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE.

Jonathan, grab your magic bone.

If you don’t like Buffy the Vampire Slayer you probably shouldn’t read this post. No, seriously. I mean, I’m sure you could probably find something else to do. It’s a big world with many options for entertainment. OK, I mean, this isn’t COMPLETELY about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s about other things, too, and I’m sure will have a lot of asides and such. But if you read this and you come into it HATING Buffy the Vampire Slayer pretty much you’re going to be SO COMPLETELY CONFUSED AND DISGUSTED OMGWTFBBQ that you’re going to throw up in your hat. Also you might be a cyborg and I don’t think you have a human soul, but whatever, that’s neither here nor there.

Last night, I had a ticket to see the Indigo Girls at The Egg. Now, if you’re from the area, you’re well aware what The Egg is. If you’re not, you’re thinking, what is this Egg of which she speaks? The Egg is pure awesomeness. It’s our performing arts center in the Empire State Plaza, and it’s this weird architectural…thing…that I am just utterly baffled and charmed by each and every time I see it. It makes me irrationally happy. Here is a photo for you.

When They Might be Giants performed here they wrote us a little song about The Egg and made a little video as one of their venue songs and everything. Again, IRRATIONALLY HAPPY.

OK, enough history about The Egg. On to the Indigo Girls. In college, I discovered the Indigo Girls, and I have loved them ever since. Yes, even though I am not a lesbian! I know this is totally shocking but straight girls can like the Indigo Girls as well. I like folk and I love pretty harmonies. And then there’s this song. Which has been on my personal top twenty songs since 1992. It is one of my best things.

Yes, I know, buzzkills, that this is just a cover of a Dire Straights song. See? Thought you’d be that more-knowledgeable guy, didn’t you. Well, I already KNEW that. However, the cover surpasses the original, in my opinion. I have listened to this so much I’ve worn out a CD and had to re-purchase it. This doesn’t happen much. The second time around I was smart and downloaded it. I don’t think you can wear out your computer. If you can, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. Oh, and also, in doing research just now, I just found out that The Killers did a version, which I MUST FIND IMMEDIATELY OMG. Anyway! This song cemented my love for the Indigo Girls, and is what got me through a million bad relationships and breakups and roadtrips and all that jazz (jazzhands!)

So anyway, I’ve loved the Indigo Girls for almost twenty years, but have never had a chance to see them live. I found out very late in the game they were coming to The Egg, and checked for tickets kind of half-heartedly because I was sure they’d be sold out. No! Not sold out! I was sitting one row from the back, but still got a seat! Huzzah!

Monday and Tuesday I was dying from a headache that would not go away and I pretty much downed an entire bottle of aspirin and thought maybe if I either bumped something or accidentally cut myself (things that happen on a regular basis to me) that I would bleed to death, either internally or externally. I debated just staying home, because I was just about to hurl. But NO! INDIGO GIRLS! I owed it to my 18-year-old self! (I owe her a lot of things, and I often give her treats, like taking her to see concerts that would have just about killed her twenty years ago. I think she appreciates it, even though she is totally broody and wears too much eyeliner and writes angsty poetry all the time and drinks too much and is constantly making bad romantic lifestyle choices.)

So, onto The Egg! I was very late, because my GPS (it’s a TomTom, which I have cleverly named Tom Tom. He likes his name and I didn’t see any reason to change it. However, Tom Tom speaks in a woman’s voice. He’s kind of confusing, gender-wise. Tom Tom might be short for Thomasina, I suppose. Whatever. I am not here to judge the life my GPS system chooses to lead) could NOT FIND the Empire State Plaza and even though I’ve been there 43 kabillion times (ok, FINE, like 20) I can’t find anything without my GPS. So I had to try to use a phone book (fail, it’s like they KNOW no one uses them anymore so they’ve just totally given up, I looked up Egg and it was all, “Egg, see THE Egg,” and I thought, if you could take the time to write that, why the hell didn’t you just tell me the address for my poor gender-confused GPS, you moron?) and then go into 4 year old email archives for an email with back-way instructions from a friend who has since moved away to some secret parking she knows about. Well, it’s not so much “secret” as it is “something you have to walk pretty far for but it’s free so yay with the free.” Oh, very late for me, by the way, means I was fifteen minutes early. I like to be half an hour early. So fifteen minutes gives me the vapors. What if there’s an accident or traffic or I have to stop and rescue a flying squirrel or something? YOU CAN’T TELL WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

So I got there and there were a million billion people, which was fine, because I like when there are a lot of people, because it means more money for the venue and the performer and more good groups will come to the area. Got my program. Went in. Realized I was probably one of the only non-coupled, non-lesbian people there, which was kind of just the most awesome ever. The amount of love in that room was really awe-inspiring, and I’m not even in the least bit being sarcastic.

There was an opening act – I figured there would be, since it was starting at 7:30 – named Common Rotation. So I read the little bios. The bio said the names of the performers in Common Rotation – Eric Kufs, Jordan Katz, and Adam Busch. I’d never heard of the band, but honestly, I’ve discovered some of my favorite bands as the opening acts to performers I’ve gone to see, so I was down with the opening act. I also always feel kind of bad for the opening act. I feel like they know no one’s there to see them and are talking through their set and peeing and checking their voice mail and things like that and it’s kind of a waste and that makes me sad so I try to pay twice as much attention to them to make up for it.

“Huh,” I said. “Adam Busch. That’s funny.”

BACKSTORY. (AKA Time for Buffy Now.)

I am a Buffy fanatic. I’m not just one of those people who watched the series and liked it and moved on. NO NO NO CHARLIE. I am OBSESSED with Buffy. I have watched the series MULTIPLE TIMES. I know TRIVIA about it. I know the songs that were used in the episodes. I know the TITLES of the episodes. I own Buffy COLLECTOR’S ITEMS. And I know the actor’s names who played most of the major characters over the run of the series.

Adam Busch happens to be the name of the person who played Warren Mears in Seasons 5-7 of Buffy.

If you’re a Buffy-phile, you remember Warren. This is Warren: 

Warren is best known for creating a sex robot, being part of the Trio of supervillains (her “arch-nemesises…ses”) who attempt to eliminate Buffy, attempting to rape/murdering a girl, (deep breath deep breath deep breath this was possibly the worst thing that Joss ever did to me) killing Tara, and then getting flayed alive by Willow as a revenge for the murder of her girlfriend. Warren lives on in Season 8 (the comic-book season) – well, as far as I’ve read, anyway. I don’t have high hopes he’ll survive past the end of it. He seems to be expendable.

Now, listen, Warren’s character was completely execrable. There was very little redeeming about him. At all. BUT SOMEHOW I TOTALLY ALWAYS FELT BAD FOR WARREN. I think this was equal parts the writing and Adam Busch’s portrayal of the part, but the thing is, the Trio were just these total losers, and they were just trying to MATTER. They were doing it WRONG, but they really just wanted to count for something. And that always got to me.

Also, I thought Warren was kind of cute, in a dorky nerd way. I ALWAYS LIKE THE NERDS BE QUIET.


Now, the show was starting, so I didn’t have time to get out my phone and Google it, and honestly, why would I Google it, because what are the odds that a character from Buffy would just HAPPEN to be in the opening act (an opening act, by the way, I’ve never heard of, and I keep up, for the most part, with what the Whedonverse alumni are up to) of a band I’ve been wanting to see live for twenty years? Slim. Very slim.

So the show started! And the guys came out. One, two, three…OH MY GOD TOTALLY WARREN FROM BUFFY.

Who, by the way, ten years later, is ADORABLE. Here. I found some photos for you. 

I was in the same room as an actor from Buffy. Who was going to be at the merchandise table afterwards but I only had $3.76 and that was not enough to get a CD unless I prostituted myself and I don’t even think that would have made up the difference, honestly. I AM NOT WORTH THE $5. So I didn’t get to MEET Warren from Buffy, but I wanted to. It’s probably best I didn’t. Remember what a moron I made of myself around Kevin Smith? THIS WAS AN ACTOR WHO WAS ON BUFFY. Also? HE HAD A BEARD. We discussed this. Beards have become my goddamn kryptonite. NO DEFENSE AGAINST THEM. Also, I am so attracted to talented people I can’t even tell you. They have a name for people like this. It starts with star- and ends with fucker. SHUT UP. It isn’t star-fuckery if you’re just DREAMING about it. Only if you DO IT.

Common Rotation has apparently been around for about ten years – since Buffy ended, then – and have kind of a cult thing going on, and work with They Might be Giants, and the Indigo Girls, and did a kickass set of living room tours to protest Clear Channel’s stranglehold  on the musical touring market.

You probably at this point want some sort of concert review, right? You know, I would love to give that to you? I totally would. Here’s the thing. I am a book geek. I am a television geek. I am a wee bit of a movie geek, and I am a total theater geek. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MUSIC. I don’t own that many CDs. I know what I like, and I listen to it until the CD wears out. I don’t have a decent MP3 player and I don’t care. I am not up on the trends. I don’t know who singers are. (I am the person, when watching something like the MTV Music Awards, says things like “Who’s that? Who’s that? Who’s that?” every two seconds. Like an old person. Also, are the MTV Music Awards even a thing? I kind of made that up off the seat of my pants, there.) Kevin has had some really excellent concert reviews up over on his blog recently, and a., I wish I had the kind of musically-inclined brain that could think about, and write about, music that way, but it is not in my wiring, and b., I honestly thought like twice through the concert, “I wish Kevin was here, because then he could write about this and people could know how awesome this is because they’re certainly not going to get any sort of good concert review from me IT’S WARREN FROM BUFFY AND HE SINGS NOW AND ALSO PLAYS THE GLOCKENSPIEL. I should really look into getting some ADD medication.”

So here is my “concert review.” I’m doing it in a list form. It’s not really a review. That’s why it’s in sarcastic quotes. Sorry. Please keep in mind I know NOTHING about music. Nothing. I am tone-deaf for the most part. I just know what I like. Also I get distracted easily.

  1. Common Rotation are a fun, quirky folk band that you should totally check out, and not only because of Warren from Buffy. Their harmonies are gorgeous. They play many fun instruments. (Glockenspiel! And don’t quote me, but I think a banjo and a trumpet – well, it could easily have been a mandolin and some other horn, but whatever, something that wasn’t a guitar and a brass wind instrument of some kind!) They really have adorable stage presence which just misses being twee-hipster by a hands-length so they don’t annoy me. They have fun songs and romantic songs and sad songs and political songs. I am actually going to download their most recent album, and I never do that. Highly recommended. And again, NOT JUST BECAUSE OF WARREN FROM BUFFY. I’m totally embarrassed I didn’t know about them sooner considering they’ve been around for ten years.
  2. Adam Busch discussed serial killers onstage and was wearing a very dapper suit with either a pocket square or a flower, I was pretty far back so couldn’t tell exactly. I LOVE ADAM BUSCH SO TOTALLY HARD RIGHT NOW.
  3. The women next to me were very grim and very angry. At the intermission, while I geeked out all over my phone to everyone I know about Warren from Buffy being IN THE SAME BUILDING AS ME OMG, they started a very loud, very pointed conversation about “how SAD it is that SOME PEOPLE don’t do ANYTHING but play on their PHONES. PHONES ARE FOR CALLING PEOPLE. Oh, and asking your partner whether they want mashed potatoes for dinner.” Um. Well, ladies, here’s the thing? I didn’t come with anyone, so I’m not using it to the point of ignoring a friend. I don’t have a book to read instead, and it’s not like I’m bothering you, who I don’t even know, and it’s the intermission. I don’t think this is really a problem. Also I don’t have a partner and I HATE POTATOES. RUDE.
  4. When I realized it was Warren from Buffy, I wanted a photo. I didn’t think this would be a problem, as I looked around and saw (I’m not exaggerating) about 20 or so people either taking photos or videotaping the show. So I got out my phone to take a photo. (I would not have done this if my phone had a flash, because that’s rude. But it doesn’t, so it’s pretty under-the-radar and doesn’t bother anyone. The screen stays dark and it doesn’t flash the people around me. Other people were flashing and bright-screening all over the place.) This fascist usher in back of my POKED ME SO HARD and hissed “NO PHOTOS OR VIDEOTAPING!” which was very upsetting and rude because THAT IS WARREN FROM BUFFY. But whatever, what if I got kicked out? I paid for my ticket and I wanted to see the rest of the concert. So I put it away and didn’t like it much that everyone else in the entire venue apparently got to videotape and photograph to their heart’s content. Also, today I checked online and the Indigo Girls website clearly states that they ENCOURAGE their fans to record their shows so I assume that Common Rotation, as they’re on tour with the Indigo Girls, probably are under the same rules. WAY TO RUIN MY PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN TOTALLY BLURRY AND WOULD HAVE PROVEN NOTHING TO ANYONE BUT ME USHERETTE STICKLER. (Oh, also, before someone gets all “But when you walk into The Egg there are signs all over that SAY no photography or videotaping!” probably there are, but I’ve never been there when I’ve had a cameraphone so I didn’t ever think to check. Also, THERE WERE A TON OF OTHER PEOPLE DOING IT AND NO ONE YELLED AT THEM.)
  5. The Indigo Girls were very good. (And I hope I’m still rocking that hard at 47/48 years old, oh, wait, I don’t even rock that hard now.) However, I had no attention span. Because of Warren. From Buffy. I liked them a lot, don’t get me wrong. But as far as I’m concerned, I paid that ticket price to discover a new band, and be in the same room as a Buffy alumnus. Also? THEY DIDN’T PLAY “ROMEO AND JULIET”. I know. Please let that sink in. I thought for sure they would, because it’s one of their biggest hits. Nope. Mostly new stuff, a few of their older hits, and then DONE. I was very sad about this. And I wasn’t the only one. That’s all I heard as we were leaving. People were actually singing it on their way to their cars. Now, I know it’s kind of a dick move to go to a concert and only want one song? And it always makes me feel like I’m Homer in that episode of The Simpsons when Bachman Turner Overdrive comes to Springfield and starts singing a new song and he says “We don’t WANT any new crap, just ‘Taking Care of Business!’” and they sadly start singing that and Homer says, very scowlily, “NO! Skip right to ‘working overtime!’” And they do and Homer just wants them to sing that one little part over and over. I’m Homer. I’m the Homer in this situation. But I wanted “Romeo and Juliet” SO BADLY. 18-year-old me wanted it and grown-up-me wanted it and it was so sad that it wasn’t there.
  6. The Indigo Girls had Common Rotation come out and sing backup for them a couple of times. That was the best. Both! Both the Indigo Girls AND Warren from Buffy!
  7. To the woman in back of me who thought it was a good idea to KICK OUT THE BEAT OF EVERY SONG ONTO MY SEATBACK: Die. Die in a fire. A really, really big fire. During which someone kicks out the beat of “Under Pressure” on the back of your head with a golf shoe with razor-sharp poison-tipped spikes. I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY I NEEDED FROG POISON.
  8. Why are there always some people who think seat-trance-dancing is a good idea in every single concert? You know, standing up, right in their seat, and waving their arms around like they’re tripping or like they should have a glow-stick? Also, if I was the person behind them I WOULD BE SO PISSED. Hey! Nazi usher! Maybe something could be done about the kicking, or the trance-dancing, and not about me taking A TOTALLY LEGAL AND NON-INVASIVE PHOTO THAT PROVES I WAS IN THE SAME ROOM AS A BUFFY ALUMNUS?
  9. Also, I have to say kudos, audience. This is the first concert I’ve gone to at The Egg since I moved to the area where some douchecanoe asshat piece of shit didn’t scream out “FREEEEEEEEEBIIIIIIRRRRRDDDDDD” like he’s the first person to ever think of that. YOU ALL DESERVE A PIECE OF CAKE FOR THAT RESTRAINT.
  10. I wondered why Adam Busch didn’t say in some of his adorable microphone patter “So I’m Adam Busch, you might know me as Warren Mears from Buffy” so he could bask in the Buffy love, (yes, yes, I KNOW, you probably would want to concentrate on the MUSIC or whatever, but if you were a Buffy alumnus, I think you would also be SO PROUD of that. Wouldn’t you? I mean, I would. I would WEAR A DAMN T-SHIRT. I would GET A DAMN TATTOO. On my FACE) then I realized he was in an Indigo Girls audience and Warren’s one best-known act (well, other than being flayed alive, and that sex-robot thing) is killing Willow’s lesbian lover. Nice omission, Adam Busch. Well-played. Staying alive = a high priority. Cool cool cool.

So that is my concert review. You are totally disappointed. I know. There was very little concert in that concert review. I AM SORRY. I don’t know anything about music! It was good. It was a good concert. I enjoyed it all so so so very much except I’m totally exhausted today. Oh, and also, LGalaviz told me that she used to work with someone who used to be on “that Buffy show.” And that she “thinks he had leather pants but can’t remember who it was” and that she “probably is messing with me.” OK, leather pants = SPIKE. There is no way someone would be this mean, right? I mean, to PRETEND TO HAVE WORKED WITH SPIKE?!?!?!??!? UNLESS THEY ARE SECRETLY THE DEVIL. Dammit, LGalaviz, you’re probably going to have to kill me now that I’ve guessed that.

The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem

I have a problem.

What do these names have in common?

John Bender
Chuck Bass
William Pratt
Damon Salvatore
Heathcliff Earnshaw
Gabriel Gray
Logan Echolls

If you say they’re all fictional characters, well, yes, you are correct.

If you’re reading the list and you’re seeing a correlation between some of them, but you don’t know who William Pratt or Gabriel Gray are, would it make any difference to you if I added their more commonly-used nicknames to the list? Here. Here is an amended list. Just for you.

John Bender
Chuck Bass
William “The Bloody” Pratt, a.k.a. Spike
Damon Salvatore
Heathcliff Earnshaw
Gabriel “Sylar” Gray
Logan Echolls


(And yes, I realize that Heathcliff, not actually being an Earnshaw, doesn’t ever get the surname, but the list looked weird if he only had one name, like Cher or Madonna. And also, I’ve always assumed he was Mr. Earnshaw’s bastard son, and therefore very much an Earnshaw, and also therefore, making his relationship with Cathy ever-so-much-more disturbing, if that’s even possible.)

Yes, they’re all fictional characters. 

They’re also all complete dicks.

And I’m completely in love with all of them.

I have an addiction to the anti-hero.

Not just the anti-hero, either. The dickiest dick of an anti-hero, that’s the one I want. The one that would sell out his own mother and kill your sister and sleep with your best friend and eat all of your Teddy Grahams AND NEVER EVER BUY YOU ANY TO REPLACE THEM OR APOLOGIZE FOR IT.

There are heroes, there are anti-heroes, and there are these kind of guys. The Byronic anti-heroes. The broken ones. The ones that have been so scarred by something in their past that they’re never going to be any good or at all trustworthy but maybe, just maybe, you can be the one who fixes them. You can be the one person that uncovers the treasure, that unearths the jewel hiding behind the grime and filth, that reaches in and fixes what’s been broken and they’ll be loyal to you, and only you, for all time.

In fiction, it’s easy to see what’s so compelling about characters like these. They’re a hell of a lot more readable/watchable than the boring heroes or even the less ambiguous anti-heroes. They’re evil. They do evil things. But if they were just evil, they’d start being boring. We keep coming back because they have hidden motives, they have a rich interior monologue, and every once and a while, a bit of humanity will peep out of their dark places.

Bender will torment a bullied student, but then tell the story of how his father burned him with cigarettes.

Logan will force homeless men to fight for money, but then be forced to walk to the closet to pick out the belt that his father will beat him with that night.

Spike will stalk and kill people in the bloodiest fashion imaginable, but then remember people mocking him for having a crush on a popular girl when he was young.

And you can’t hate them. You can’t, because you see that humanity, and it softens you on them. You just know you could fix them, if given the chance. You see how loyal they are to the few people they let in behind their very high walls and you love them, despite their wrongdoings, no matter how bad they are.

The problem is, this doesn’t hold true in real life.

Let’s take Heathcliff. I assume most of you have read Wuthering Heights, either on your own or as an assignment for a class, or watched one of the million movie adaptations. In case you haven’t, or need a refresher, here you go:

Heathcliff is adopted by the Earnshaw family, and is supposedly a gypsy child (but it’s slightly hinted at that he might be the bastard child of Mr. Earnshaw, which makes for a much better backstory, in my opinion.) He falls in love with his foster sister, Catherine. Catherine and he have a tumultuous relationship, which is characterized by mental and physical abuse on both sides. When his foster father dies, his foster brother forces him to become a servant to the family. Catherine decides she wants to become a lady, and begins hanging out with a higher-class family and spurns Heathcliff, who is now her servant. She marries into the higher-class family despite loving Heathcliff, because he is too low-class for her. He is obsessive and furious and there is a lot of hitting and throwing and such. He runs off, makes a lot of money in shady ways, comes home rich, and seduces Catherine’s sister-in-law and marries her as revenge on both Catherine (who he knows still loves him) and her husband. Catherine is furious and dies not long afterwards in childbirth. Heathcliff abuses his wife in every way possible, for the simple reason that she isn’t Catherine, yet she still loves him completely. He then, over the years, continues to get revenge on everyone who has slighted him, while obsessing over his dead lover, by playing their children against one another. Eventually he dies because he is haunted by Catherine’s ghost. 

This isn’t a very good recap, because it leaves out the simple fact that, no matter what Heathcliff does, and no matter how awful he is, and no matter how he treats the people around him (especially the women) like pawns on a chessboard, HE COMES ACROSS AS COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED. I don’t know how this works but it totally does. I have had a crush on Heathcliff and his obsessive love for his possible half-sister since I was twelve. No, it’s not a crush. I am head-over-heels for Heathcliff. I read it, and the intelligent part of me KNOWS what a dick he is, but the stupidly romantic part of me is very squishy and foolish and thinks “I WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME LIKE THAT.”

Here’s the problem.

I had a Heathcliff, once. I was young, and it seemed very romantic. Phone calls at all hours. Declarations of love after knowing one another for a few days. Threats of bodily harm if we could not be together forever. But come to find out, there’s nothing romantic about dating a Heathcliff. Heathcliff, whose passion and fury seem very good on paper, in real life, is scary. Really, really scary. Restraining-order scary.

You do not, under any circumstances, want a real-life Heathcliff, or Damon Salvatore, or John Bender. They are broken. YOU CAN’T FIX THEM. They have to fix themselves, or get professional help for the fixing. Maybe, once they’re fixed, they’ll be up for public consumption again, but until that day, they are off the market. Don’t even try to fix them. It’s a losing proposition. You’ll just frustrate yourself and you also run the risk of getting seriously hurt, in one way or the other, in the process.

I walk the fine line of loving my fictional anti-heroes and keeping away from anyone who shows signs of being this person in real life. There’s nothing inherently bad, I suppose, in loving the fictional anti-hero. Like I said, they’re a lot more watchable/readable. They’re richer, fuller characters. I am bored to tears by the traditional hero who swoops in with motives pure as the driven snow to save the day. The reluctant slacker anti-hero, drawn into service without any desire to be there, is a little more interesting but not much. I want the twisty anti-hero. I want a backstory full of shadow and substance and a character molded by forces that did not have his best interests at heart. I want a nature versus nurture struggle. I want a twirly mustache and a big black hat hiding a heart of gold.

The problem is when you let that bleed over into real life.

In real life, even when I think that’s what I want, I now know it’s not. I know what Heathcliff really looks like, when he steps off the page. A petulant child. A broken pouting bully. Someone who wants to take everyone around him down with him. I don’t want that or deserve that. I’ve had that. I did my time with that. No more of that.

Things are always prettier in fiction. I’ll keep my anti-heroes there, where they can wreak havoc safely for my entertainment purposes. I’ll stick with my fictional dark and twisty guys. I can close the book or turn off the television when I’m done with them. A twelve-step program (“Learn to love the bland! Learn to embrace the safe!”) probably wouldn’t do me much good. I’m not ready to give them up quite yet.

My Top Five Most Anticipated Fall Shows. THEY ARE GEEKTASTIC.

Time for the final installment in our very exciting three-part series on fall television! OK, FINE, it’s only exciting for me. I AM VERY EXCITED. Like, crazy-eyed excited, yo. Fall television! It is enough to make a person jump up and down in their chair. Although I am still sick, so there will be no jumping, really. And as an aside, did you know when you call your doctor and tell them you are most likely dying, they don’t even believe you? It’s totally the case. I called my doctor, who was not there, and got a nurse, who was not in the least bit sympathetic to my almost-dying plight and told me that “these things happen” and that the doctor – the only one she was “comfortable” seeing me for this particular issue (so…if it’s such a common thing, why can’t any of the yahoos over there see me for it? Why the big kahuna only? I think this is suspicious) – is out of town until Monday and I couldn’t get in until then to see him. “So will I die in the meantime?” I asked her. “Probably not?” she said, in a doubtful tone. “But if you get better, feel free to call and cancel the appointment, to free it up for someone else!” Well. Well! I feel SO MUCH BETTER ALL ALONE WITH MY DEATH THANK YOU.

On to more exciting matters. Fall television! The top five new shows I am most excited about, in ascending order, so leaving the best for last. I realize that at least one, if not more, of these is going to be a disaster, and let me down a great deal. But right now anything is possible. It’s like the day before Christmas when you’re a kid. Anything could be under that tree, ANYTHING! And then the day after, you’re surrounded by shitty gifts like socks and store-brand Cabbage Patch Kids with wonky eyes and you ate too much candy so you feel gross but the day before is the BEST, right?

Also,you’re going to be able to tell (if you didn’t already know) by reading this list that I’m a huge geek. These shows are all filled with geekery. Two fantasy, one sci-fi, one horror, and one mystery which stars the goddess of geekdom herself. So if you don’t want to read this as a “shows I’m stoked about” post, read it as a “geeks, these are shows MADE FOR US!” list. I’m down with that.

Most Anticipated New Fall Television Shows

Once Upon a Time (10/23/11, ABC)

Premise: A mystery series where fairy tale characters live in a parallel world on our Earth where they don’t remember their true identities or lives.

Starring: Jennifer Morrison, Ginnifer Goodwin, Paula Marshall, Raphael Sbarge, Giancarlo Esposito, and some other people I don’t know

OK, before you say “this is going to SUCK!”, I love fairy tales, I love retellings and reimaginings of canonical stories, and I love fantasy series. Yes, I am aware this is probably going to be awful. It’s on ABC, which is worrisome. Sure, they brought us Lost – but they’re kind of hit-or-miss with things. Does anyone remember (I bet you don’t– IT WAS THAT BAD) Happy Town? It started with such promise and it was SO STUPID. ABC just let it trail off and you had to watch the last couple episodes online (and if you did, you left your computer stupider for it – the ending was ridiculous.) So yes, this could be awful. Also, Ginnifer Goodwin worries me, because I don’t like her acting much. But I think the premise is kind of awesome! It shows promise! I think there are a lot of places you could go with this, and so many fairy tales to mine from, that you could have story arcs for years to come, if it takes off! Yes, yes, I know, odds are VERY good it won’t. But I’m hopeful. Day before Christmas, remember?

It’s also worrisome that this is debuting in October. That can’t be a good sign.

Grimm (10/21/11, NBC)

Premise: A detective learns he is descended from hunters whose job is to protect humanity from fairy tale creatures loose in our world. (Um. Hmm. This is…a little derivative of Supernatural? But I love Supernatural. And Supernatural’s ending soon. So I’m cool with that, to some extent.)

Starring: No one I’ve ever heard of. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing.

I’m both excited and trepidatious about this. It looks fun! It’s on a major network! It’s got a fairy-tale angle, which as discussed above, I love! However. Stealing from Supernatural is a bit of a dick move. It could be completely different, but the “hunter” thing? Supernatural. The creatures? Supernatural. So I’m excited, but I’m going to wait and see. It’s still in my top five, because it has a lot of things that excite me. But I’m going to hang back before I throw myself at the feet of this one.

Seems like a weird fit for NBC. If this is another Persons Unknown debacle, I’m going to be pissed. (Tell me someone other than me watched that nonsense last summer. Wasn’t it so awful? I kept waiting to either care about one of the characters or for something to make sense. Neither happened. I wanted ten minutes alone in a cage with one of the writers.) Also debuting in October. What’s with that?

Terra Nova (9/26/11, FOX)

Premise: in America of the future, a family travels, via time machine, back to the age of the dinosaurs to start a new life

Starring: Jason O’Mara (yum!), Stephen Lang, Landon Liboiron from Life Unexpected, and other people I haven’t heard of; produced by Stephen Spielberg. Also starring lots of dinosaurs. BAM I SAID DINOSAURS.

This is probably on a lot of people’s short lists. I’m excited, but probably not as excited as most people. Here’s my worry – is it going to end up like Land of the Lost? Because I don’t think I could handle that. When I was a kid, Land of the Lost was on reruns Saturday mornings and it was SO STUPID. Also, I get the theme song stuck in my head at inappropriate moments even now, thirty years later, and I find myself singing “the laaaand…of the loooost….” and that’s kind of upsetting. Probably this will be better and Jurassic Park-like, right? But not Jurassic Park 2. That was awful, despite Vince Vaughn who I love. (Yes, I know he’s kind of a goofball. I don’t know why I love him. The heart wants what it wants.)

This should be good. Stephen Spielberg! Jason O’Mara! Or could be awful. Greenscreen acting! I am excited – it’s a huge sci-fi undertaking and is costing a lot of money and if it’s good, it will be very, very good – but also a little scared it’s going to be awful. But if it’s awful, it might be REALLY awful. Like, laugh-out-LOUD awful. Which is good in its own way, too.

American Horror Story (10/5/11, FX)

Premise: A family moves into a haunted home in California.

Starring: Connie Britton, Dylan McDermott, Jessica Lange, Frances Conroy, Denis O’Hare, ZACHARY EFFING QUINTO, and it’s produced by Ryan Murphy, mofos

This is so exciting I might pee my pants. Let me list the awesomeness, ready? It’s horror. That, first and foremost, wins me over. It’s on FX, so the special effects will be better, as will (probably) the writing. (Terriers was so good that I cried during the final episode, not because it was good – it was – but because it was being cancelled. And don’t get me started on the awesomeness of Justified and my cowboy boyfriend Raylan Givens.) The cast is kind of amazeballs, no? Jessica Lange? Denis O’Hare? SYLAR? Sylar’s going to be in this? I mean, you could put Sylar in pretty much anything and I’d watch it, so there’s that. Ryan Murphy, who (this past season of Glee aside) is kind of television magic?

You can’t look away. THEY ARE MESMERIZING.
I am very, very, very, times fifty very’s, excited about this. The fact that it’s starting in October isn’t as disturbing to me because it’s FX. Cable networks have different rules. They’re loners, Dottie. They’re rebels. Watch this because I’m going to want to discuss it with people and if no one’s watching it, it will be cancelled and I’ll be blue.

Ringer (9/13/11, CW)

Premise: A mystery series in which a twin impersonates her supposedly dead sister.

Starring: Oh, I don’t know. No one that exciting. Nestor Carbonell, a.k.a. “Eyeliner Dude,” from Lost. Kristoffer Polaha from Life Unexpected. OH WAIT ALSO JASON DOHRING. Excuse me for a minute, I think I just lost my shit and have to go find it again. There it is. AND ALSO SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR. My shit is officially lost and gone forever.

Now, I know I’ve mentioned time and time and TIME again how much I love Buffy. But have I mentioned my obsession with Veronica Mars? Like, watched each episode over and over, chatted in chatrooms, emailed people theories, loved Veronica Mars. JASON DOHRING IS IN THIS SHOW. You know about Logan Echolls, right? If you don’t, please immediately rectify this situation by getting Seasons One and Two of Veronica Mars. You can get Season Three, afterwards, because you’ll want to know what happens. It’s not as good, but it’s still ok. Jason Dohring played my favorite bad boy on television for three years, and I will love him for the rest of his (and my) life for that.

Oh, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this. I mean, I was already perma-squeeing about this when it was announced, due to Buffy having a new show. But then Jason Dohring. That is like the perfect pairing, really.

The plot – well, it’s been done. But I’m willing to give that a pass. It’s got potential. And with the two of them – um, LOGAN ECHOLLS YOU GUYS LOGAN ECHOLLS. Sorry. You really have to understand – Logan Echolls. Logan “I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me?” Echolls. Logan “Dream on, Jump Street, I’m not leaving you alone with her” Echolls. I would watch Jason Dohring in anything. (I actually did. I watched every single episode of that piss-poor vampire garbage show Moonlight because he was in it, and that shit was PAINFUL. But Jason Dohring!)

LOGAN ECHOLLS. If you don’t love him, you
are missing part of your SOUL.

Fine, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar. This show has geek cred. I think a lot of geeks are lining up for this one. And it starts TOMORROW. This is very exciting. I am already planning my evening around this.

So happy fall viewing! Let’s do a recap halfway through and see where we stand, ok? I bet something gets cancelled after only a couple of episodes. That’s always my favorite. I love a good crash-and-burn.

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