Ever since I posted about how we can hypermetabolize with our brains, Jim has been OBSESSED with this. He keeps commenting that he’s going to hypermetabolize with his brain and then he’s going to win…um…something, I don’t know. Here, I’ll let him tell you.
I’m sorry…I can’t get behind this hypermetabolism-as-trauma thing. It sounds like superpower. And the reason the rats died is because they just. couldn’t. hack it. Now I want hypermetabolism. I will lose weight and solve complicated math problems and lift all the weights! And my skin will most likely sparkle and they’ll make a movie about me, but they’ll call me a vampire because I stay up all night and kick so much ass. And because THEY CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!
I failed last night at hypermetabolism because I fell asleep in the middle of it, because I am an elderly. But tonight!! Ohhhhhh, tonight I will fucking SHINE!!!
He has since commented numerous times that he keeps falling asleep but SOON HE WILL HYPERMETABOLIZE. (Also, “I am an elderly” was the winner and made me giggle and giggle. Also, Jim’s only slightly more of an elderly than I am.)
Well, Jim, listen. You know I adore you. You know I do. You’re one of my favorite people that lives in my computer. You make me laugh. You are SMART and you are KIND and you are WACKY. So what I’m going to say right now is probably going to hurt a little. I’m sorry. I don’t like to hurt the people I care about. Here is a picture of an otter who also doesn’t like to hear bad news to mitigate the pain a little. I know you love otters.
Jim: I don’t think you’re ever going to be able to hypermetabolize. What with the elderly-ness and the sleeping and such.
I know. I’m sorry. I hate to break your heart. You’re so awesome, and that’s so mean of me.
However, to make things better, I decided to do some research for you. I mean, there must be some things we can do with our brains that are NOT hypermetabolizing. And there ARE. Oh, you wait. We have SO MANY BRAIN THINGS TO TALK ABOUT, Jim.
First, let’s get our brains to work for us, Jim. I mean, we carry these brains around with us and we keep them SAFE and WARM and what do they do for us? Nothing. So let’s make our brains DO something for us.
Luckily, in situations like this, we have our old friend wikiHow. wikiHow knows what’s up.
wikiHow’s going to tell us how to be TELEKINETIC, Jim! That’s GOT to be better than hypermetabolizing, right?
This article starts with SCIENCE. Well, Andreas will like it, then. It says all telekinesis is is SCIENCE. It is transferring the energy in our BODIES to the energy in things OUTSIDE of our body. Now, I don’t know what you’re going to use your telekinesis for, Jim, but I plan on using mine to either tweet or change the channels on the TV. All those little fiddly buttons! I think my brain should do this for me. I’ve got better things to do.
Next, it says choose something light to start with. So, I guess I shouldn’t choose Dumbcat, he weighs as much as a sack of potatoes. An unintelligent sack of potatoes that fell off the bookcase today when he jumped up on it. Um. Let’s see. I have a fortune from a fortune cookie over here that I’ve been meaning to tell you about because the fortune was so dumb. That’s pretty light. Let’s use that. wikiHow says to LET GO of the idea that the fortune and my brain are different because they CONTAIN THE SAME ENERGY. OK. So…all things are the same because they contain the same energy? I don’t know if that’s how science works. Andreas, is that how science works?
Then they want us to recognize and celebrate the energy flowing through our body but that seems like hippie shit. Is this article about hippie shit? I was not warned there would be hippie shit here. It says to flex all your muscles and FEEL THE BURN and also sit somewhere cold and then warm yourself up using the power of your mind. Well, kumbaya, you granola-loving flowerchild.
Next the person who wrote this article seems to have lost their mind because they start talking about how you can either push, pull or spin the item, but it’s a lot easier to pull the item, but not to levitate it (was levitating it even an option earlier? You can’t just throw in levitation like it’s just THERE) and then goes on and on and ON about calories and heat expended and such. I assume he or she is just trying to confuse us with sciencey terms. YOU DO NOT WIN. I’m still curious about this levitation thing you just popped in all willy-nilly.
It then tells you to “focus your energy and direct it toward the system” but DOES NOT TELL YOU HOW TO DO IT. What the hell, wikiHow? That’s like giving someone directions on how to drive a car: “get behind the wheel and go.” Or how to bake a cake: “get some ingredients and make it.” UNHELPFUL.
It says to stop when you are tired. Well, that’s nice. Thanks for looking out for me, internets. I wish you’d told me this at the BEGINNING of the article, that’s when I got weary.
Jim! How’s your telekinesis going, good? Are you pushing pulling levitating shit all over? What? You’re not? Well, hell, this was a bust. Sorry. I have more, though, don’t you even worry.
This one’s not even weird and fake, Jim. This one is TRUE.
Apparently, German engineers (those crafty German engineers! I assume Ken had something to do with this, I see “Germany” I immediately assume it’s Ken’s doing, I feel like he sneaks around Germany being crafty and then sneaking out before they know he was there) have rigged up a Passat so it works using the power of our BRAINS.
There is a lag, I guess, between your thought and the action of the car. But I guess if they implanted the sensors DIRECTLY into your brain, and not just in a weird headset-thingy, that lag wouldn’t happen.
Jim, what do you think? Want to get electrodes implanted in your brain so you can drive a car without using your hands? This is a very good use of our brains. And I think easier than hypermetabolization. Well, except for the brain surgery. I can’t imagine the brain surgery is all shits and giggles, you know? One time I watched a show about brain surgery and it went wrong and the patient couldn’t talk anymore. She talked all in gibberish but in her HEAD it made sense but it came out in GIBBERISH and that was how she was going to be FOREVER. I don’t know if I want car-driving brain-surgery if it makes me talk in gibberish forever, Jim. And I don’t think you should get this, either. Also, Passats aren’t even that cool of a car. Let’s not do this one, Jim. Not until they make it for convertibles or old-timey 50s cars or something cool like that.
Now let’s see what else we can do. OOH LOOK. We can BE MEAN TO CARROTS.
Apparently you can heal yourself using the power of your mind (I know people believe this, and that’s great, but I’m a doctor-advocate; give me pills and/or surgery over brain-power any day, I don’t know enough science to heal myself, good gravy) but with THIS you can PROVE the POWER of your MIND to HEAL yourself (and also carrots.)
You’re supposed to cut the tops off carrots, and also the green stuff, and put them in two dishes of water in the sun, and mark one with a PLUS SIGN and one with a MINUS SIGN and then say nice things to the plus-carrots and encourage them, and cuss out the bad carrots and send them all the bad vibes.
I guess what will happen is that the plus-carrots will grow and thrive and go to Harvard, and the minus-carrots will get negative self-esteem and probably make bad decisions and start smoking weed and have teen pregnancies.
I don’t know what I think about this, Jim. I think hypermetabolizing might be better than insulting carrots. Insulting carrots seems beneath us, somehow, don’t you agree? Those poor carrots. They didn’t do anything to deserve our scorn. Well, other than being carroty. I do so hate carrots. The other day I had a frozen meal, and it was utterly FILLED with carrots. GROSS. I didn’t eat a single one. I threw them ALL AWAY.
So what have we learned today, Jim? We have learned that we can:
- move things with our mind, or maybe we can’t
- drive cars with our mind using the power of brain surgery
- insult carrots
These all seem more likely than the possibility of hypermetabolization. I hope I didn’t kill your dreams too much. I like you just that much and I hate to be all dream-crushy, I really do. After all, you are:
…and we can’t go hurting our people over here. That would be extremely poor form.
Let me know how these things go, ok? I have every faith in you and your magical brain.
Just stop insulting those carrots. THEY DID NOTHING WRONG.