Is it science day? Yes, it seems to be. How lucky for our Science Fellow! And how lucky we HAVE a Science Fellow on days like this!
Now, I come across many sciency articles in my day-to-day, and then I HOARD them. Like a CHIPMUNK. Not in my cheeks, that’d be crazy. You can’t save a website in your cheek. It’d get all soggy and shit. No, I have a FILE for them. It is labeled “stuff.” I know, descriptive, right? It’s where I keep…well…my stuff. And I realized today, look at all this sciency stuff! Let’s talk about our sciency stuff.
Today, we have UFOs, Jesus dinosaurs, cake, and strippers. Um, Amy, you are saying. These don’t sound overly sciency. Are you sure they are sciency? YES I AM SHUSH YOU.
What do you want first? Strippers? OK, fine, I’ll give in to your need for strippers first. I’m down with that.
According to this article, if you are a stripper, you need to plan your work shifts around when you’re ovulating, because strippers make a metric shit-ton more tips when they’re ovulating as opposed to when they’re not.
Is that not mind-boggling?
Here’s a breakdown of how much women made, tip-wise, according to this one study, based on their time of the month.
- Women menstruating: $35 (I’m guessing this is because the women wanted to stab their customers because of the cramping, and who wants to give a tip to a stripper who’s all bloated and stabby?)
- Women anytime between menstruation and ovulation: $50
- Women ovulating: $70
Now, women on the pill averaged $37 an hour overall, as opposed to women not on the pill, who averaged $53 an hour overall.
Apparently, according to SCIENCE, when you are ovulating, you experience “changes in body odor, waist-to-hip ratio, and facial features.” Also, you dance on the pole more seductively. Huh. Really? Mostly when I’m ovulating I get weird shooting pains, and I’m all “oh crap in like two weeks THAT shit’s going to happen again EFF ME BEING A LADY-PERSON IS SO EXHAUSTING” so I’m cranky. But I’m always cranky, it’s not like that’s a new occurrence or anything. So, wait, does that mean I’m broken? How come my ovulation milkshake doesn’t bring all the boys to the yard? Why do I have a broken ovulator?
Now, to be fair, according to Jezebel, real-life strippers did this study themselves and found out it was WRONG. (Also the scientists studied ONE CLUB over TWO MONTHS. Bad scientists. BAD!)
Anyway, so, fellas, the next time you’re at a strip club, remember, the stripper you find the most appealing probably really isn’t; she’s possibly just totally fertile, so if you end up letting her climb your pole, use protection or you might find yourself a daddy all of a sudden, you deadbeat. (Also, be nice to strippers if you go to a strip club because they work really hard and the one time I went to a strip club they were SO SO NICE and totally let us use their secret bathroom since there were no ladies’ rooms in the strip club and we got to see their dressing rooms and it was like being backstage of a theater except the costumes were scanty and the makeup was pasties and glitter.)
What do you want next. Jesus dinosaurs? OK, good. Andreas, I can hear you now shaking your head about how NOT SCIENCY this is. There is totally a scientific basis to everything I’m discussing today. I stand by that 100%.
In Kentucky (slogan: “Unbridled Spirit,” which is nowhere NEAR as good as their original slogans, “It’s That Friendly” and “Where Education Pays” – I’m totally serious about these), there is a museum called The Creation Museum. In The Creation Museum, you learn important things. One of which is that Adam and Eve hung out with velociraptors.
Apparently everyone knew about this place but me (and it was in the movie Religulous, which I really have got to get my hands on at some point, you people need to start reminding me of these things), because there are a LOT of awesome photos of it on the intertubes. But this museum is about dinosaurs, and also the BIBLE. And it tells you how God created dinosaurs on the same day he created all the other animals, and the dinosaurs lived in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve and tra-la-la everyone was so cheery. I guess until one of the T. Rexes ate Eve and then Adam had to commit the sin of Onan, or maybe have sex with a goat or something. Oh, also it says dinosaurs were on Noah’s Ark. Man, that ark must have had much chaos what with the chompery on the less-angry species, right?
I am writing this at work, and I can’t click on the website for The Creation Museum because it’s blocked. Due to “religion.” I AM SO OFFENDED WORK. I am having to research this using a combination of people’s reviews, Wikipedia, and random other sites. It is not optimal.
Apparently, the point of this museum is to “equip Christians to better evangelize the lost.” Hee! “The lost.” HELP WHERE AM I. Or maybe Sawyer and Jack and Kate! Oh, and in case you’re wandering around the museum and you’re like, “Dude! I AM ONE OF THE LOST!”, “To help the museum’s mission to evangelize, a chaplain is on staff for visitors in need of spiritual guidance.” HELPFUL. Also, to work there you have to sign a statement that you hate the gays and you believe that Adam and Eve hung out with velociraptors and that Noah’s Ark really happened and everything in the Bible was real, I’m assuming up to and including Balaam’s talking donkey. Oh, OH, also, all African-Americans are the “cursed offspring of Ham.” That’s a new one on me. That’s a thing? Good grief, like there’s not ENOUGH racism in the world. Also, apparently if they know you’re there to mock it and you’re sciency, they make you sign something that you won’t mock it while you’re in there, or say anything like “THIS IS QUACKERY BULLSHIT.” (I highly recommend you click on that link in the last sentence. It is intelligent and wonderfully written and hilarious. I very much would have liked to visit the museum with this guy. “I do not think I like these people.” Indeed.)
Also, apparently the museum, in order to explain WHY T. Rex wouldn’t have just chomped the shit out of Adam and Eve, decided to say T. Rex was a vegetarian. You know, because that’s what you do when science doesn’t fit what you’re trying to explain with the Bible. ZOMG is Andreas’s head exploding right now, I can hear it across the WORLD exploding. (Also, Andreas, to add insult to injury? The dinosaurs are even made wrong. Their skin is wrong, their bone structure is wrong, they stand wrong, and because the museum people don’t like that some dinosaurs had feathers because it doesn’t fit into the Biblical timeline they’ve made up, they took off the feathers. Love it? Thought so.)
A full-sized replica of Noah’s Ark that you can take an adventure on will be unveiled in 2014. It is called ARK ENCOUNTER. Man I hope that part of ARK ENCOUNTER is that you get eaten by a velociraptor. Unless those are vegetarians, now, too. I’m not sure if all the dinosaurs are vegetarians in this version of the past or not.
Listen, I can’t be the only person who wants to go to this museum to mock it so bad right now, right? Thing is, it’s doing REALLY WELL. And I can only imagine those of us going there to mock it make up, like, half of the clientele. Which means the other half? ARE PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT ADAM AND EVE RODE TRICERITOPS LIKE TINY PONIES.
Sometimes I despair, I really do.
Let’s talk about something less stabbity and more delicious. Cake. Mmmm, cake.
According to this article, the reason we’re all fat and eating all the HoHos is because the economy sucks.
Apparently, in our brain, we’re like, eff this, the world’s going to hell in a handbasket, LIVE FOR TODAY I WILL EAT ALLLLL THE PUDDING, and then we do and we all get diabetes.
Apparently, what you’re supposed to do in order to make better food choices is calm the hell down and think about the long-term and not about the short-term and blah blah bliddedy blah did someone say cake earlier? I think they did.
Listen, I have no idea if the science backs this up. It seems to, whatever. The sheer fact of the matter is, cake and potato chips and pizza and food that is bad for us is DELICIOUS. Things that are less delicious? A healthy garden salad, or a bowl of Wheaties with skim milk. We are intelligent. We KNOW the latter is better for us than the former. But we ALSO know that MAN that cake is full of delicious noms. Is it a live-for-today thing? Maybe. But also it’s a “my tastebuds are happier when I have me some buttercream frosting, yo” thing. Do with that what you will, science-types.
Apparently there’s a show coming out about UFOs, so the people making the show did a survey, and 36% of Americans believe in UFOs. 1 in 10 people who responded think they’ve SEEN a UFO. 77% of respondents believe there are signs that aliens have visited earth at one point or another (yet the article doesn’t tell us what these signs are. I’m guessing The Creation Museum.) And 65% of respondents think that Obama would handle an Independence-Day-style invasion better than Romney. (I agree. All that spaceship-wind would muss the HELL out of Romney’s perfectly-styled politician-coif.)
Also, there are a LOT of people who believe in conspiracy theories like my Dad does, because 79% of people think the government is hiding evidence of aliens and 55% think the Men in Black really exist.
Um. Well, here’s my theory on aliens, if you care. I think it’s really short-sighted to think we’re the only intelligent form of life that exists. So do I think there’s something else out there? Yeah, probably. Somewhere. Do I think they’ve been here? Don’t know. Probably not. We’d know if they had, wouldn’t we? Probably? I guess if they came a long time ago, maybe not. But if they came now, I don’t know how it could be kept a secret. Not with cell phone videos and YouTube and everything. I mean, secrets aren’t kept that well anymore, not in the age of the internet.
I’ve never seen anything I can’t explain that might be a spaceship. I know someone who has, but I promised that person I’d never mention it to anyone so I won’t. But that person seemed really, really serious when telling me about it, and I believe that person truly believes that what was seen was of alien origin.
48% of respondents, by the way, said they “weren’t sure” whether or not they believed in UFOs. That’s the majority of respondents. I’m in the majority on this one.
There you go! More scienciness than you can shake a sciency stick at! Isn’t science day the best?
I’m going to go check the backyard and see if there are any T. Rexes or maybe velociraptors hanging out outside and then maybe I can RIDE them. Huzzah!