Category Archives: adaptations

In a WORLD…where a person DOES NOT LIKE GOING TO THE MOVIES…

I don’t go to the movies. No, seriously. I really don’t. I used to, in college. We used to go to the movies probably once or twice a week. We’d get to the point where we’d seen everything that was playing and knew what would be released on Fridays and we’d make plans for midnight showings and such. Sometimes we were poor so we’d totally sneak into MULTIPLE movies like BADGUYS. I know. Rude. Totally the rudest. Now I go to maybe one movie a year. Possibly two, but only in extreme circumstances, like potentially at gunpoint. 

Mostly that’s because I’m poor, and it seems like a colossal waste of money. If I’m patient, I can wait and see the movie for free in my own living room, and in my living room, I don’t have to deal with talky-talk fellow patrons, or people kicking my chair or texting with their super-bright phone in the dark, and I can also pause it if I need to pee, and I don’t need to sneak in snacks because the snack bar (aka “my kitchen”) is in sight of my television. Because my place is very, very small. 

For example: a couple weekends ago, I watched Super 8, which is about a year old at this point. When it came out, everyone was all ZOMG AMY! You have to see this! It is amazing! You loved Lost and this is a JJ Abrams movie! Also, aliens! SO EFFING GOOD! And yeah, I did want to see it, but again, poor, and I knew that if I was patient and avoided spoilers, I could watch it when it came out on DVD. (Oh, I get to see them for free because I get them from the library rather than from the video store. Because I’m super-cheap and I love the library. It’s a whole thing.) Oh, and a note on spoilers – if you wait to watch a movie a year after it comes out, and you’re close-to-middle-aged, you’ve forgotten most of the spoilers, so that’s the one time your not-so-shiny-and-new brain totally comes in handy for you. 

So I watched Super 8 in my living room with my cat and here are my thoughts: meh. I mean, whatever, it wasn’t terrible, the acting was fine, but the plot seemed like something I’d seen a million times before and also it was a dark movie. Not dark in the “SO TWISTED!” way, but dark in the “why’s this taking place in a basement with a broken overhead fixture?” way. I hate those movies. I can’t see what’s going on. I might as well have my TV off and be listening to a book on tape for as much good as it’s doing me, to be honest, because I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING. And it’s frustrating, because you know you SHOULD be able to see what’s happening on the screen, but IT’S TOO EFFING DARK.

Think how angry I’d have been if I’d paid movie-theater prices to see that! It’s a good thing it was free. 

There are a lot of movies that have either recently come out this year or are going to come out this year that people are very, very excited about. I feel like an archaeologist or maybe an alien when people talk about movies, because I just don’t get excited about them the way most people do, so it’s like I’m observing you all like I’m a new visitor to your planet. 

So let’s discuss the movies everyone’s talking about, most of which I have very little prior knowledge about, and see if any of them might get me out of my house to see a movie this year. YES, I actually did see one movie this year: a friend came to visit and we went to see a movie I’ve already forgotten the name of but it had Adam Scott in it and he was adorable. (FINE, I looked it up. It was Friends with Kids. It was good, I liked it just fine.) 

Movies that have already come out and I think have left the theaters so I guess I’ll have to see them on DVD 

The Avengers 

Shut up, I have a thing for handsome cocky men who are also damaged.

Yes, I know. I’m the only person in the world who hasn’t seen this. (I also never saw Avatar because it didn’t seem up my alley at all, and also haven’t seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies. You can mock, I don’t care.) I think I’d like this. I like superhero shit. And I sure do enjoy Robert Downey Jr. in just about anything, but as Tony Stark? Well, yes, please. And, Joss Whedon directed it, so that’s a total win for me. But seeing it in the movie theater just didn’t happen, and I suppose I’ll watch it on DVD eventually.  

The Hunger Games 

I know, I’m probably a bad book nerd that I really liked these novels, but I did. So I was really excited about the movie. Then I kind of forgot about it once it was released. Most of the people I knew that watched it really liked it, if I remember correctly. I’m already on the waiting list at the library, if that counts. I was going to go but I was going to wait a few weeks so the squealing tweens didn’t injure my eardrums with their squealery and then I got busy with something. Probably blogging. 

Jeff Who Lives at Home 

I saw a trailer for this before the ONE movie I saw this year and it looked fun and touching and good and indie, which I love, but then I forgot to go and see it once it came out. I really don’t even care about such things. I think my excitement meter for movies is broken, I really do. Do you think I used it all up in college because I saw too many of them? Anyway, when I was looking up what movies I should be excited about to write this, I saw this title and I was all, oh, man, I wanted to see that. Have it on reserve at the library now. Who knows when I’ll get it, not me. 

A movie that is apparently out now but I haven’t seen any commercials, what the hell? 

Moonrise Kingdom

   

 

The interwebs says this came out in May. That can’t be right, can it? I haven’t seen any commercials or anything and Wes Anderson’s kind of a big deal. I mean, I know I’m not in the loop but I usually see something on Twitter when people start going to the movies. Anyway, I totally want to see this, because The Royal Tenenbaums is one of my top movies of all time and makes me cry and laugh and then cry some more. I think Wes Anderson has an amazing eye for taking the mundane and elevating it into spectacular beauty. But will I see it in the movie theater? No, probably not. Mostly because I don’t know that it’s even out, or if it is, why’s everyone being all secretive-like about it? Is this movie in the witness protection program? 

Movies that are supposedly gigantic summer blockbusters that everyone’s all “ooh ooh ooh” about 

Prometheus  

Seriously, EVERYONE is so excited about this, just everyone. And I thought it was probably about THE Prometheus, and I was like, huh, there’s a movie about a Greek myth? Whatever, don’t care. Then I found out it was a Ridley Scott movie and it’s got something to do with Alien. Well, listen, I don’t HATE Alien, but I don’t care about it. It was an interesting movie. But I didn’t see any of the sequels and didn’t care that I didn’t. And I’m not much of a sci-fi person. I didn’t even care enough to look more into this to see what it might be about. I heard “Ridley Scott” and Alien and I was like, nah, not for me. Sorry, you can have my geek card back if you want it. 

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter 

I know, you’d think I’d be all stoked about this, with my love of the supernatural and also history, so it’s like it totally pertains to my interests, but I saw a trailer recently, and it was so blah. And I think the book is a very stupid idea. I think it seems way too – I don’t know, jokey? I didn’t read it. Maybe it’s awesome. I just don’t care. I think it seems ill-advised. I have no interest in this at all. 

Brave   

 

YES. Now, listen. If there’s a single movie that gets me out of my home this summer, it’s going to be this one. It’s Pixar; it’s got a firey little redheaded heroine; it’s set in Scotland; and it looks AMAZING. The animation is gorgeous, the story sounds empowering, and I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anything Pixar has done and not finished it thinking the world is really an amazing and beautiful place. I watch a Pixar film and I’m 6 years old watching my first real movie all over again. Pixar films fill the world with possibility for me. I’m very, very excited about this one. 

The Dark Knight Rises 

Am I the only one who doesn’t think Christian Bale is a very good Batman? I think Christopher Nolan is a very good director – he creates visually stunning work – but I find Christian Bale so off-putting that I have a serious problem paying attention. That raspy whisper is very annoying. Plus I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch Bale in anything again without hearing, in the back of my mind, that whole rant he did that time that got recorded and put all over the internet. I watched a couple of these movies. Were there more than two? I think I saw two. I saw the first one, and then the Heath Ledger one, which I liked for Heath Ledger. Or was that just the one? They really didn’t make much of an impression. In other words: no. No, I don’t think I’ll be going to see this. No interest at all. 

Movies that are coming out around Christmas because I think the movie people think I have nothing better to do with my time around the holidays than to watch movies 

The Great Gatsby   

 

Now, listen. I think that Baz Luhrmann is brilliant. I will admit I didn’t see that Australia nonsense he did because everyone said it was terrible but also I’d forgotten all about it and will reserve it from the library now because I like what he does with a movie. His mind amazes me. He makes things beautiful. And I love, love, LOVE Gatsby. That being said, I’m a little worried about this. Yes, everything I’ve seen makes it look like it’ll be beautiful. But I hate Leonardo DiCaprio. SO MUCH YOU GUYS. I think he’s terrible; I don’t think he can act; and I think he always looks constipated. I don’t know if I can watch a whole movie with DiCaprio playing Gatsby with his constipated little monkey-face, I just don’t know if I have it in me. Because I love Gatsby. And, from the time I went to see Love in the Time of Cholera and almost was escorted out from the loud scoffing I kept doing because they sucked every bit of magic out of the book when they translated it to the screen, I’m not well-behaved when someone shits all over my favorite books in a movie theater. So I’m torn on this one. 

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey  

I know. I KNOW. You’re all SO EXCITED. I haven’t seen the other movies and I can’t see myself seeing this one, either, even though it’s got Martin Freeman in it and I love him just about as much as pudding or mushrooms. Also, it’s TWO movies. Good grief, I don’t even go out and see ONE, you want me to commit to TWO? 

Django Unchained   

 

GOOD GRACIOUS YES. Everything about this is exciting, everything. Quentin Tarentino; blaxploitation meets spaghetti western; QUENTIN TARENTINO. I’m so excited about this one I’m bouncing a little, no joke. (I’m just going to ignore the fact that effing constipated DiCaprio is in this, too.) I think I can convince my dad to see this one with me over the holidays. He likes violent movies and usually we end up having to see something I hate like one of those terrible Bourne movies. The last time we did that I slept through the whole thing. I’m not even kidding. I slept for the entire two hours. I hate the Bourne movies. We used to have to see James Bond movies, but since his feud with Daniel Craig the James Bond franchise is dead to him DEAD TO HIM I SAID. (Oh, you want to know why my dad is feuding with Daniel Craig? Because once, Daniel Craig said in an interview he was anti-gun. He thought all guns should be outlawed. My father, therefore, refuses to watch anything with Daniel Craig in it, and if Daniel Craig comes on the television, he yells “dirty HIPPIE!” at it and changes the channel.) 

Les Miserables   

I’d put the poster in but it’s BORING. These stills are better.

I don’t even know if I can express how excited about this I am. LES MIS YOU GUYS. With good actors! And SINGING! I was a little worried about the Taylor Swift as Eponine situation – can the girl act? She’s got a pretty enough voice, but Eponine needs to be good, or else that whole plotline falls flat, and also, I can’t help but imagine in my head Kanye West popping into the scene when she’s belting out “On My Own” and saying “No, no, listen, Eponine, I’m happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but I just wanna say that Cats is the best musical and should’ve been made into a movie instead of Les Mis” and then giggling to myself – but then read that was just a rumor and it’s some chick I’ve never heard who apparently won some sort of British talent show at some point of playing Eponine, so no more worries Taylor Swift worries, but a whole new set of worries, I guess, as I LOVE Eponine. But HOLY HELL you guys, did you SEE Anne Hathaway as Fantine? I knew the girl could sing but this is SO EXCITING. And if he can sing, Russell Crowe will make an amazing Javert. And ZOMG Hugh JACKMAN! As Valjean! And Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen as the Thenardiers! THIS IS SO EXCITING I CAN’T EVEN. I’m going to try to convince my mom to see this with me over the holidays. She likes musicals and has never seen Les Mis. 

A movie with no release date as of yet and I’m pretty stoked, I’m not going to lie 

Much Ado About Nothing

SHAKESPEARE DIRECTED BY JOSS WHEDON. Starring Amy Acker, Alexis Denisof, Captain Tightpants, Sean Maher, Tom Lenk – I mean, come on. COME RIGHT ON. For a Whedon geek and a theater geek and a Shakespeare geek, this is so exciting I can’t even stand it. Will I see this in the theater? Yes. Will I immediately purchase the DVD once it’s released so I can own it and watch it a number of times my own self? Again, yes. Yes, I will do that. 

So, what have we decided? I guess the possibilities are Brave, Gatsby, Django Unchained, Les Mis, and Much Ado. And as much as I SAY I want to see them in the theater, you know I’ll probably forget all about them until they’ve been out on DVD for a month or something and then be like, “ooh, I wanted to see that,” right? 

Broken. Just don’t care about movies. I’m every studio’s worst nightmare, sincerely. They’d go under if the whole world were people like me. SORRY STUDIOS.


Everybody’s got the right to be different, even though at times they go to extremes.

It should come to no surprise to anyone who’s a regular reader of my blog that I’m one sick and twisted individual. NO I don’t perform kitten-murder. But I am obsessed obsessed OBSESSED with serial killings.

That sounds horrible. My dad says I’m not allowed to tell people that because I’ll be locked up by the FBI.

Let me clarify. I’m not obsessed with them like, I want to PERFORM them, or hang out with someone who IS performing them, or I think there should be MORE of them. I’d be more than happy for there to be none. I’d happily deal with a life where there are no serial killings for me to obsess over, that’d be ok. Because they’re distressing. But I find the whole psychology behind a serial killer fascinating. It’s one of the reasons I like Criminal Minds so much. Well, that and Spencer Reid. And also the acting is wonderful and I want to be Kirsten Vangsness.

I pretty much like all the blood and gore and all that craziness. But not torture porn. Listen, those Saw movies are the worst. And that Hostel movie? ZOMG NO. I watched it because I want to lick Eli Roth like a popsicle, especially after Inglorious Basterds, and NO NO NEVER AGAIN. I don’t need to see nonsense like that. Someone’s EYE was out of the SOCKET and on their CHEEK. Like, hanging out and bobbling along. I almost threw up on Dumbcat. I spent most of the movie covering my eyes and saying “no no no no no EW no no no no WTF WHY no no no STOP THAT RIGHT NOW ELI ROTH YOU SICKO.”

But murders? Yep. I do like a good murder.

And what else do I love? MUSICALS.

What do you get when you put the two together? MY FAVORITE THING EVER.

Now, I think I’ve mentioned this, like, until your ears fall off, but my favorite musical of all time is Assassins. It is the perfect musical. It has it ALL. Music and lyrics are by Stephen Sondheim, who makes me spin around in my chair with glee. There is MURDER. There is HISTORY. There is DRAMA. There is ROMANCE. There are CRAZY PEOPLE. There is nothing at all wrong with this musical. I have seen it live three official times, and have listened to the CDs so much I’ve worn them out and had to re-purchase. I KNOW. It’s my roadtrip music. So someday if you roadtrip with me, you will be listening to Assassins. Won’t that be fun? Sure. Sure it will. IT WILL.

Assassins is about all the presidential assassins in the United States, from John Wilkes Booth to the attempted assassinations of Ronald Reagan. It’s this weird construct where they’re all hanging out and interacting, and then each of them have a story and a song, and it all culminates in the Texas School Book Depository, where John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald have a talk about responsibility and duty and making a name for oneself in the world. It’s grand and it’s majestic and it makes excellent points and it is just about perfection. ALSO, it stars the character of Squeaky Fromme, one of my most favorite crazy people. One of my favorite theater groups is putting it on this season, and I can’t say I’m not the most excited. Because that would be a LIE.

The original musical starred Victor Garber and Terrance Mann and Annie Golden and Greg Germann and a lot of other excellent people. The recent revival (SIGH that I missed this) starred Neil Patrick Harris, Denis O’Hare, and Mario Cantone, again with a lot of other excellent people. Both albums are worth buying because the music is wonderful and different on both, although the same basic bones are there.

There aren’t many clips online, but here’s one of the finale number, “Everybody’s Got the Right,” from the 2004 Tony Awards:

Aw, look at adorable NPH! I really hope he realizes we can be BFFs soon. We’re wasting a lot of time, here. Neither of us are getting any younger.

So, a while ago, my most wonderful friend Patrick and I were discussing our mutual love of Assassins, and he mentioned that Carrie the Musical was FINALLY GETTING A REVIVAL. Now THIS was exciting. Another combination of things I love: death, Stephen King, and musicals.

It’s closing in a couple of weeks, but here’s the website. Doesn’t this look EXCITING? Also, I like that the music is by Michael Gore. Michael GORE, you guys. For a musical about BLOODINESS. That couldn’t be a better name for the person to write the music for this if he made one UP.

The musical seems, other than a few minor differences, to be very similar to the book. I would like to see this very much. DO YOU HEAR ME, LOCAL THEATER GROUPS? VERY DAMN MUCH.

I found a video of the pig’s-blood-dumping scene on YouTube and I’d post it but A., what kind of jackass films something all illegally in a theater? RUDE and B. they filmed it WITH SOMEONE’S HEAD IN THE WAY. So not ONLY did you do something ILLEGAL, you did it HALF-ASSED. I’m not posting that. YES I watched it, shut up. It’s the closest I’ll ever come, probably, to my dream show of CARRIE THE MUSICAL.

Then Patrick, because he is AWESOME, said, “oh, there are other killer musicals” and sent me A WHOLE LIST of them. I know, right? You WISH you had friends that would send you lists of killer musicals.

So, we have the Silence of the Lambs musical! It is called Silence! The Musical. It seems to be a parody, so that can’t be fun or good. Look what the website says: “This laugh-out-loud naughty satire features a singing chorus of floppy eared lambs narrating the action as Buffalo Bill gleefully dances a hoedown while kidnapping hapless Catherine Martin. Even Dr. Lecter, scary as ever, sings about the life he’d like to lead someday outside the prison walls.”

Oh, that’s a shame. Really? I don’t know about that. Are the lambs puppets? There’s a HOEDOWN? I kind of don’t mind the idea of a hoedown. I mean, who does. A good hoedown is kind of awesomesauce. But I think this whole thing might be ill-advised. Let’s move on, shall we?

There of course is Sweeney Todd, which is another Sondheim musical. You all know Sweeney Todd. We’ve discussed this. Johnny Depp was in the movie. Murderous barber? Heart set on revenge? Slits people’s throats as he’s supposed to be shaving them, and then he and Mrs. Lovett cook them into meat pies, which they then serve to unsuspecting patrons of her meat pie establishment? It is AWESOME. Also, the song “Have a Little Priest” is one of the best songs ever. It’s about who they should murder and cook and serve. One of the lines is “The trouble with poet is how do you know it’s deceased? Try the priest.” COME ON. That is SO FUNNY and CLEVER. Look at that rhyme scheme! It makes you absolutely salivate.

Then there is Theatre of Blood. This apparently was a British production, based on a Vincent Price film, that never got off the ground. Here’s the description from IMDb of the movie: A serial killer stalks London, targeting theater critics who he kills in methods inspired by Shakespeare plays. The police grow to suspect the killer is Edward Lionheart, an egotistical actor who leaped to his presumed death after being denied an important award, mainly due to his refusing to appear in any play not written by Shakespeare. The remaining critics and the police find themselves helpless to stop Lionheart’s increasingly baroque revenge, though they contact his daughter in a desperate attempt to find something they can use against him. Everything builds to a reenactment of King Lear in which Lionheart will succeed or die once and for all.

Shit, I would watch that. That sounds like it has a LOT going ON. Also, there’s Shakespeare. It all sounds very meta. I’m in.

There’s totally a song called “Pie.” Oh, snap! You can LISTEN to it! YOU GUYS. It is a LOVE SONG TO PIE. By someone who sounds like they have the fake French accent from The Little Mermaid of the song “Les Poissons!” THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER. Seriously, click on that. CLICK ON IT.

Then, of course: Jeffrey Dahmer Live, the infamous musical that adorable guy took that internet douche girl from Gizmodo to and she blasted him all over the internet for it that time. The musical that, if someone took ME to it, it’d be like GUARANTEED third base, at LEAST. It’s not playing anymore but maybe someday someone will think it’s a good idea to take this shit on tour, I can only hope. I mean, LOOK. Here’s Jeffrey Dahmer SINGING INTO A CLEAVER. While WEARING PRISON GARB. I mean, don’t ask how he got a cleaver in prison, because that’ll hurt your brain, probably, but you can’t deny this is pretty awesome.

Then I found out Duncan Sheik – the brilliant mind behind my favorite recent musical, Spring Awakening – is doing a musical version of American Psycho. DUNCAN EFFING SHEIK. It seems to be still in the early stages? But if it’s anything like Spring Awakening, which was just so mind-blowingly amazing that I was bouncing in my theater seat and ran out IMMEDIATELY and bought the cast recording and have listened to it so many times I know all the songs backward and forward now – I’ll totally be excited to see this.

But then. THEN. Are you ready for the possibly both best AND worst of them ALL? Patrick found this for me. He’s the best. He might have the best killer musical Google-fu.

Lonely Heart the Musical.

This is possibly only in New Zealand and is based on the honeymoon killers, who I didn’t know about (I KNOW! And here’s me loving crazies and serial killers!) until I started reading up on this.

Apparently, this sad woman wrote to this Lonely Heart column in the paper, and their job was to match people up and they’d start this correspondence and maybe fall in love. It was internet dating, pre-internet, in other words, only people were VERY embarrassed about it. So they matched her up with this guy. Only problem was, the two of them were INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE, you guys. She was a looney tune and he had been traveling the country for years scamming other lonely-heart ladies. It was only a matter of time before she moved across the country and in with him, and they started this two-person grifting scheme where they’d pretend to be brother and sister, and he’d marry other women and scam them. Only she’d get totally jealous when he would have sex with his new wives. SO THEY STARTED MURDERING THEM.

There are some awesome quotes in that True Crime link up there. Martha, the woman: “By the age of 10, she possessed a woman’s body and the sexual drive of an adult.” BY THE AGE OF TEN. I don’t know if this is a thing. I think someone made this up. Also, the man thought he was a voodoo king and could use his powers to make woman do his bidding, apparently. “After Fernandez built up enough anticipation in Martha and he performed the necessary voodoo ritual, he decided that the time had come for the meeting.”

Other awesome quotes:

“This was a major stumbling block in his career of theft and deception.” (I just like how this is worded. It makes me laugh.)

“But in their haste, they made a pivotal error. Janet did not own a typewriter and couldn’t type.” (DUN DUN DUNNNN! They wrote a suicide note from someone who DIDN’T TYPE or HAVE A TYPEWRITER IN HER HOUSE. Um.)

‘”The electric chair scares me!” Martha said.’ (Yeah. Yeah, it’s a little daunting, Martha. You know what else is? BEING MURDERED BY YOUR NEW HUSBAND AND HIS “SISTER.”)

“The papers called her “fat,” “simpering,” “Big Martha,” “a 200 lb. figure of wrath,” “the giggling divorcee,” “unattractive,” “a weird woman,” and other humiliating terms.” (My favorite of these is “a weird woman.” I’m totally a weird woman. I also like “a 200 lb. FIGURE OF WRATH.”)

There have been a couple of movies based on this story. Guess who played this short, kind of dumpy, sad, and lonely murderess in one of them. Guess. No, guess. Wait, I’ll show you.

Yep. I knew you’d guess it, because it’s so obvious. Horrendously ugly, fat, lonely Selma Hayek. TOTALLY BELIEVABLE CASTING!

So in this musical, which even *I* don’t think is probably a very good idea, and listen, my standards on killer musicals are LOW LOW LOW, I’d watch Dahmer singing into a CLEAVER, has closed now. The reviews I read were actually quite good. So maybe it was alright? I mean, who would have thought a musical with all of the presidential assassins would end up the favorite musical of ALL TIME of this crazy-eyed blogger when she was just a wee little thing singing along with Bert and Ernie and Snuffleupagus? Not me, that’s for sure. So, yes, I’d watch the Lonely Heart musical. FINE. If you INSIST. (On a personal note, it seems like one of those grassroots theater efforts, like, the writers worked really hard to get it off the ground, and people all pitched in, and I love to see that. So congratulations, all.)

So what did we learn today?

MURDEROUS MUSICALS ARE AWESOME.

Amy’s pretty twisted when it comes to her entertainment choices.

Hostel is not something anyone should watch EVER. *shudder*

Not all weird women murder people. Some just WRITE about it.

And Carrie the Musical needs to go on tour IMMEDIATELY.

Here is a picture of NPH all bloody in Assassins to end on a good note. I know that might not be a good note for most of you, but for me? UTTER PERFECTION.


Upside: less likely to break your heart. Downside: so many papercuts, damn.

It’s come up a lot over the past few days who your top literary boyfriends are. First, Mandy blogged about it, and she and I have some similarities, because we are both awesome, of course. Then @nikkisticks and @thebooksluts both mentioned it on Twitter, and I’d link you to their tweets about it, but I STILL don’t have new Twitter (seriously, Twitter, I’m starting to feel like the last wallflower at the dance, here, what the hell? PICK ME DAMMIT I WORE MY PRETTIEST DRESS AND I’M TOTALLY SLUTTY) so they wouldn’t look right copy/pasted in. So I thought, you know what everyone loves? Literary boyfriends. They are HOT right now. They are the HOT THING.

Then Susie and I were talking about how we feel bad having literary crushes on characters who are in happy relationships. I’m in agreement with this. This is why when I go into a happy reverie about my literary boyfriends, I kill off their significant others. NICELY. I mean, I don’t have them PSYCHOKILLED or anything. Sheesh. Something nice. Like a nice cancer! Or whatever. Then they are free to be MY literary boyfriend, and we’re all happy. Well, probably the dead wife or girlfriend isn’t happy, but they’re dead, so their happiness is really inconsequential, now, isn’t it?

So, without further ado: my list of literary boyfriends. I looked online and a couple of these are, like, NO ONE’S literary boyfriends. So that means I get them all to myself, right? Right. Or it might mean I’m broken. Hard to say.

This is in reverse order. I’m saving the best for last. As you do.

Heathcliff – Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

I know he's bad for me. But look at him. How can you resist that?

I’m allowed one abusive, emo boyfriend, right? Right.

Listen, I’ve had a crush on psychopath Heathcliff since I was 13. I can’t leave him off. Even though I KNOW he’s bad news. So dark! So broody! So single-minded in his love for Catherine! So proud! So…um, yeah, kind of an abusive ass. I get that. I do. BUT HE LOVED HER SO MUCH YOU GUYS.

I know. I’m not overly proud of this one. All I can say is, I met Heathcliff at a very impressionable age when I thought “dark and twisty” equaled “good boyfriend material” and it’s warped me forevermore. Let’s just move on, shall we?

Steve Finn – Lost Souls by Poppy Z. Brite

They never made a movie. I know. It's one of my great regrets of the '90s. Here's the book cover.

Steve Finn is real in a book full of unreality. He’s messed up and he’s a little broken and he tries really, really hard to do the right thing, and he fails, sometimes, but he’s honest, and he’s proud, and he’s loyal to a fault. I’ve read this book more than a dozen times since I bought it before a long bus trip, spur of the moment, and every time, it’s like coming home to Steve. I want things to go well for him, just once. I want him to get the girl, to live a nice, if somewhat unremarkable life in the South, singing in bars, coming home to Ann. If he can’t have that, well, I’ll take him in. Hell, I like musicians.

Inigo Montoya – The Princess Bride by William Golding

I do like a saucy Spaniard who's good with his...sword. WHAT. What did you think I was going to say? You have a dirty mind.

I like how single-minded in his revenge plot Inigo is. I like how driven and loyal he is. I like how scrappy and serious he is. I like how courtly and regal he is. And, YES, it doesn’t hurt at ALL that he’s played by Mandy Patinkin in the movie. But he’s my BOOK boyfriend. And if you haven’t read the book, do yourself a favor and pick it up? You’ll be surprised, but it’s EVEN BETTER THAN THE MOVIE. And the movie’s fantastic. Go, go. But hands off Inigo. He’s mine.

Richie Tozier – It by Stephen King

Best TV movie casting ever. Total crush on both of these guys.

This isn’t creepy because I read this book for the first time when I was thirteen. So it’s totally not creepy pedophile time at all.

Listen, I have always been in love with the class clown. There is nothing, nothing, NOTHING sexier than the smart guy who can make me laugh. NOTHING. Seriously. First guy I ever had a crush on in the history of me? Class clown. Most disastrous relationships I’ve been in? The guy wasn’t funny, but I thought, “eh, maybe it’s not as important as I thought it was.” NO. It is TOTALLY important.

It also doesn’t hurt that Richie’s a ginger. Add ginger into class clown and intelligent? Total swoon-fest, sincerely.

SIDE NOTE: Mandy picked Bill from the same book, so we’ve decided we’re going to go on book double dates to the soda fountain. Awesome!

Gilbert Blythe – Anne of Green Gables series by Lucy Maud Montgomery

Remember when he called Anne "carrots?" Aw.

This is one of the book-boyfriends I feel badly about stealing from his lady. Because Anne and Gilbert were so damn perfect together! But Gilbert Blythe! One of my first book boyfriends! He was so in love with Anne! And he respected her BRAIN, you guys! He never wanted her to be a stupid, simpering idiot! He LIKED that she was intelligent, even back in the day when women weren’t encouraged to be intelligent!

A couple of years ago, I got to see Jonathan Crombie in a musical? And seriously, I almost DIED. I was in the same ROOM. As the guy who played GILBERT BLYTHE. I mean, I was pretty far away, so I could barely see him, but he totally sounded like Gilbert. Little pre-teen crushing Amy would have been SO PROUD of her adult-self!

Jaime Lannister – A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin

SHUT RIGHT UP. He is DELICIOUS.

Very few people had Jaime Lannister on their lists when I was scouring lists online. I assume this is because (spoiler alert, kind of, but if you haven’t read the first book or seen the miniseries yet, you probably should get on that, April first is coming quickly) he slept with his sister? Listen, I’m going to give you ANOTHER spoiler alert, but it’s sort of minor. You will, I guarantee you, see Jaime in a different light by the third book. Now, with the way Martin treats his characters, I can’t guarantee you that by the fourth book Jaime’s not eating puppy brains, or something, but I don’t know if it’ll matter. I am HEAD OVER HEELS for Jaime right now, damn. Also, the casting in the miniseries did not hurt one teeny tiny bit. Gulp.

Nick Andros – The Stand by Stephen King

I am...not in love with this casting choice. You take what you can get, I guess.

Nick, and his tortuously lonely backstory and his pride and his intelligence and his bravery and his delight at finally being accepted into a group and then his inevitable sacrifice – ugh. KILLED ME. Mostly because he was totally my book boyfriend pretty much from the get-go. Sure, there are some excellent characters in the book, don’t get me wrong. But it’s all about Nick and his black curls and his laughing eyes and his quick hands. None of which the miniseries got right, dammit.

Tyrion Lannister – A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin

I like this one because he looks HAPPY. I could make Tyrion happy.

You know he won me over when he said “I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples, bastards, and broken things,” right? Because I love all of those things? And then he sealed it with his “A mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge.”

I love that Tyrion keeps his head about him, even though everyone has counted him out and are, for the most part, laughing at him. I love his intelligence and his humor and his curiosity and the fact that he’s usually one step ahead of everyone else in the room and no one even has a guess. I love how bawdy and ribald he is. I love how deeply emotional he is. Also, it doesn’t hurt that he’s played by Peter Dinklage, who is just a handsome, handsome man. I can’t wait to see what he does with Season Two.

Aloysius Pendergast – The Pendergast novels by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child

You have to use your IMAGINATION, yahoos.

OK, so after all my blathering and blah-blah-blah on and on and ON about it, you’ve all watched the BBC’s Sherlock and you’re in love, right?

Pendergast is the American BBC Sherlock.

He’s quiet and he’s brilliant and he’s kind of a recluse and no one really knows him and he solves these crimes no 0ne else can solve and he has this one great love, and one best friend, and oh, also, he’s SOUTHERN. And TALL. And BLONDE. And well-read, and intelligent, and…oh, sorry, think I might have been drooling a little. Sorry about that.

One of these books was made into a movie. THEY CUT HIS CHARACTER OUT. Yeah, I don’t know, either. Tom Sizemore was in the movie. I think it was pre-Celebrity Rehab. Probably best they left my man out.

Jamie Fraser – The Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon

Sorry. I want a movie, too. SO BADLY. You have NO IDEA.

So I hate romances? Like, with a fiery passion? I mean, I don’t mind some romance in a book I’m reading. But I won’t read a straight romance novel, because they make me itchy and bitter and are usually written so badly it makes me want to scream.

Nope. Read this series, please. Because, Jamie Fraser. Who is my #1 of all time book boyfriend. Scottish. Tall. Ginger. Gentlemanly. Multi-lingual. Intelligent. Protective. Funny. Loving. Hard-working. Proud. TOTALLY THE SEXIEST YO.

Also, the sex scenes are so steamy and well-written you will totally blush WHILE YOU ARE IN YOUR LUNCHROOM, WITH OTHERS and that’s not at all awkward and weird AT ALL NOPE. Seriously. SO GOOD.

And yeah, I feel a little bad stealing Jamie from his wife, who he’s spent all this TIME and EFFORT getting back together with considering she’s from the future and all. But LISTEN. He is MY Scottish Highlander. I’ll totally fight Claire for him, no joke. WHEN AND WHERE, CLAIRE.

Happy Saturday! May your book-boyfriends (and/or girlfriends – I have three of these, too – Lyra Silvertongue from the His Dark Materials trilogy, Lisbeth Salander from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and the sequels, and Hermione Granger from Harry Potter, only I don’t so much want to make out with them but be their BFF and kick all the ass with them) treat you well!


It gave “laundry day, see you there” a WHOLE NEW MEANING.

Time for another edition of RANDOM CRAP FRIDAY! I know, you’re all totally the most excited. Try to calm down, that’s not good for your blood pressure, seriously. Deep, cleansing breaths. Breathe in blue, breathe out red. There you go. Doesn’t that feel better? Thought so.

Baby, you can drive my car. No, seriously. You can. I’ll let you. Please do. It’ll probably break down, though.

So you know how the car was all “I AM A BUCKING BRONCO OF BROKENNESS” on Monday? Dad fixed it (spark plugs. No, seriously. SPARK PLUGS. Something was wrong with the spark plugs. I know nothing about cars, as I have mentioned – I know they go, sometimes, when you press the gas pedal – but was not aware that something as miniscule as a spark plug could almost kill you. How bizarre) and yesterday met me at work to switch cars with me and take his car home. I was super-excited, let me tell you. Because yes, it was very nice of him to let me use his car? But his car has some things I do not love. Like, the seatbelt sticks and I kept smashing my fingers trying to escape and I felt like I was going to strangle to death and die, and the trunk only opened if you popped it with a popper-thingy in the glove compartment, but the glove compartment didn’t always open so you felt like weeping because the trunk was holding your laundry hostage, and the rear defrost kind of took a year to do anything.

I love my car. It’s kind of no-frills, but it’s reliable and it gets good mileage and it doesn’t often die on the side of the road. My last car had all the bells and whistles (CD player! A thingamabobby that told you the weather outside and the wind direction and was SO TOTALLY FANCY!) but also broke down ALL THE TIME. So this one’s good.

This morning, I was not timely for work. At all. I kind of got sucked into Twitter? This happens, sometimes. I can’t help it. Twitter’s like this black hole of time suck. I mean, I love it so much, but it sucks me in and I look up and I’m all HOT DAMN BUT IT’S SO EFFING LATE. So I ran out to the car and got in and shut the door and whoa, what’s this? Door didn’t shut. Must not have slammed it hard enough. Which is unlike me – I’m a total bam-bam of slamming doors, and, well, everything, really, I told someone this weekend, and meant it, “I don’t think I own too many things that aren’t broken in some fashion” – but I slammed it again. Didn’t shut. Swung right back open like a haunted house door. Well, without the creaking. Or the ghosts.

So what’s a person to do? You can’t drive it to the garage like that. And AAA is for battery jumps and tows, not mysterious doors that won’t close. Also, today, I’m the only person in my office who can answer the phones. All the other trained receptionists took the day off. So it’s just me, and if I didn’t get in? My boss was going to be all red-faced indignant. Also, it was snowing. And the car door wouldn’t close. So all snow was getting in my car. THIS WAS VERY DISCONCERTING.

So I called work and left a very meek “I’m a silly GIRL! I don’t know about CAR DOORS!” message that made my ovaries shrivel up and die but sometimes you have to play the game so you don’t get fired, and called AAA (mindful the whole time of the last time I dealt with them and almost peed my pants and also died on the side of the road waiting for them to arrive) and explained the situation, and they were skeptical they could help, but said they’d send someone over. I got a very panicked call from the head of marketing who was assigned phone duty until I could get to work (“HOW DO I ANSWER A PHONE?” Yeah, try to talk someone through a multi-line phone system over the phone sometime, it’s a hoot, it’s like explaining the inner workings of the internet to an aborigine, it’s not something I’d recommend) and then AAA called. “I’m outside,” he said. Well, this was promising. It was only 18 minutes into the 20 minute ETA! Apparently, local AAA = better than the AAA in the boonies where I broke down last time!

So I went downstairs and the driver was at my car and THE DOOR WAS CLOSED. I seriously almost started weeping in the parking lot.

“You fixed it? Already?” I asked. He looked at me like I was insane. I’m thinking probably I had crazy eyes on display. It’s been a long week, seriously, what with the grippe, and the car breakdown, and the cat, and the holidays, and various and sundry other concerns.

“Yep. Here, let me show you how to fix it yourself, if this happens again.” I kind of wanted to make out with him for that, if he hadn’t been, you know, some stranger. And also if I hadn’t been late for work, and all. So now I can fix my door ALL BY MYSELF if it happens again. If I wasn’t going to renew my AAA membership because of the complete and total FUBAR situation earlier in the week, this guy made sure I would, let me tell you right now. WINNER, guy who fixed my door and then showed me how to fix it myself in the future.

So now I am at work, and I’m only in a LITTLE trouble, because I acted very “silly girl hee hee hee I’m so SORRY! And so UPSET! And so SMALL!” (this only made me die INSIDE, so I suppose that’s fine, no one can see that part) when I got here, and all is well, chickadees.

Elementary, my dear Watson

So on Sunday, the second season of BBC’s Sherlock premieres. You know what that means, right?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH BABY.

That’s really all I have to say about that, other than, you totally need to watch, if you’re not watching. It’s amazing and brilliant and wonderful, and this is coming from someone who’s not even that big of a Sherlock Holmes or mystery fan. Also, BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH. I’m seriously naming my next pet Benedict Cumberbatch. I hope my next pet is an iguana. That would be a great name for an iguana, right? Even though I don’t really want an iguana, because once when I worked at a pet store we had an iguana and that sucker was mean as shit.

Being a celebrity is a lot less fun and a lot more looking over one’s shoulder than anticipated

So I’ll go into more detail next month, but you know how I can see what search terms bring people to my blog? Um. OK. Either someone REALLY wants to be highlighted in next month’s post about search terms, or I totally have a stalker who wants me to make out with them, bendily. Or maybe wear my skin as a cape.

Dear stalker who is putting search terms into search engines like “Is Amy from Lucy’s Football willing to kiss or bend with any yahoo” and “Is Amy from Lucy’s Football single and willing to kiss strangers” and “Is Amy from Lucy’s Football dating Ding Dong Joe”: Um. OK. Well, if you’re trying to be funny and get in the stats post, you win, I’ll mention you at the end of January. If you’re actually ASKING these questions? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

@lgalaviz says this is the price I have to pay for being a celebrity now. Well! That’s exciting. I’ve always wanted to be a celebrity. I have my Academy Award acceptance speech all practiced out in front of a mirror and EVERYTHING. It is AWESOME.

For the record: yes, I am single. No, I am not willing to kiss or bend with strangers. Or even people I know, for the most part. Personal space issues. Also, I don’t know anyone named Ding Dong Joe, but I’m waiting for him to arrive, because I’m pretty sure that, because he can’t keep his pants on, it’ll be a hot time in the old town tonight once he arrives.

Oh, and here’s a story. It’s mildly perverted. One time? In grad school? I made out with this guy who was kind of a stranger. Well, he was a friend of a friend of a friend. I don’t remember his name. I think I’d been drinking a little. I think it started with C. Chris? Christian? Clark? Whatever. And we were making out, but like, barely making out? I mean, kissing, but not even any groping. It was totally PG-13 making out. Plus, he was kind of a bro, and a little greasy. I don’t really dig bros, and proper hygiene is really a must. I think I was bored. I used to make out with people when I was bored, sometimes, when I didn’t have a book to read. And then it was time for me to leave, because my ride was leaving. So I was all, “See you later, Clark or Chris or whatever.” And he was all, “let me show you something in the laundry room.” And I thought, “this is odd, are we going to do a load of whites or something? It’s like 1am, this is not really a good time for laundry” but I went in the laundry room. And he then DROPPED HIS PANTS and was all, “YOU CAN’T LEAVE UNTIL YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME.”

My response? I laughed until I choked, told him that’s what God gave him a left hand for, and walked out. Seriously, it was PG-13 making out. I don’t even think he went for second BASE, you guys. What the hell?

This is why making out with strangers is a bad idea. They drop their pants in the laundry room when you are all unawares.

Oh, and whenever I saw Clark or Chris or whatever in the future after that he totally gave me a death glare. Sorry, Clark or Chris or whatever. Best of all things to you and your pants-droppy assumption-makin’ self.

That kind of went off topic. Stalker! If you’re trying to be funny, well, it’s not, really. If you’re trying to be a stalker – nice job, well done, you can stop now, thanks. I totally have pepper spray and a really, really shitty attitude.

One Ringy-Dingy, Two Ringy-Dingy

So as mentioned earlier, I’m playing receptionist this week. That’s fine, whatever, I hate it but it’s only a couple times a year I have to take over the reception desk. This week, however, is the WORST.

It’s the end of the year, and I work in an accountant’s office. So everyone calling is all “ZOMGGGGG, I have to get my AFFAIRS in ORDER the YEAR she is ENDING.” And that’s fine, whatever, I think you might have done this a little earlier? But that’s just me, I’m a planner. Here’s the thing, though. NO ONE IS HERE. There are like 7 employees in the office this week. Most of us are lower-level employees who are not able to answer questions that are as detailed as these people are asking.

AND THESE PEOPLE ARE PISSED, YO.

And who are they pissed at? The answer is, the receptionist. Because, obviously, it is MY fault that these people are on vacation. Or, maybe I’m lying. I might, in fact, have them under my desk, and be all “shh, Jane Doe is on the phone for you, Jimmy Joe Johnson, don’t say anything, I’ll say you’re on VACATION! Hee hee hee!”

Listen, here’s a tip, from me to you. The receptionist isn’t lying. The receptionist, odds are good, hates her job, hates being there, hates talking to you, and wants to get you off the phone, but probably is telling you the truth. It’s the week between Christmas and New Year. It’s a dead week. No one is ever around that week. So stop yelling at her. She has the grippe, seriously, what kind of asshole yells at someone with the grippe?

OK, there. RANDOM CRAP FRIDAY. One more day and this year is KICKED, you guys. Can you even imagine? 2012. That is all KINDS of exciting. I like even years. They are invariably nicer than odd ones. Although I have to say, 2011 was a good one, overall. So maybe my data is flawed.

‘til tomorrow, my little wild Irish roses!


Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman’s a real guy. There’s no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.

I’m a little late with this. Christmas is taking up pretty much all parts of my brain. No, seriously, all parts. Last night I DREAMED Christmas. And also kind of forgot to go to bed until way too late. And sometimes I’m not eating in a timely fashion. ANYWAY.

So last Sunday, I was super-excited. SUPER-excited. Why? Because I had the day off? No. Because it was a nice day? No. Because…um…it was National Noodle Ring Day? Well, no, but if I had known THAT you can bet it would have added an extra layer of zing. No, I was excited because it was new Stephen King miniseries day.

Bag of Bones was airing last Sunday and Monday, and I was EXCITED. As mentioned to the point that you probably think the man bankrolls my life (and, bee tee dubs, if he WANTS to, that’d be cool, give me a call, Steve! Or, you know, just to hang out? Cool! Cool, cool, cool!) I love all things King. Love, love, love. Bag of Bones is a great book, and I couldn’t wait to see what they did with the miniseries.

I was a little worried about the casting, though. Now, I don’t know how many of you have read the book, but the lead character, Mike Noonan, and his wife, Jo, are expectant parents. I could research this more fully – I do own the book – but, as mentioned, Christmas has eaten my brain. Let’s assume they’re in their mid-to-late 30s. That’s fair, right? Yes.

Cast in the roles of Mike and Jo Noonan: Pierce Brosnan and Annabeth Gish. Gish is 40 – on the far end of an unplanned pregnancy, but ok, I can deal with that. Brosnan is 58. And he LOOKS 58. Not promising. Also, Brosnan is Irish. And the Noonans need to be from Maine, or the genealogy doesn’t work.

But! New Stephen King MINISERIES DAY! I would not be DETERRED by such a thing as BAD CASTING DAMMIT! Even when my lovely and amazing Erin (who I think might have a future in casting) mentioned to me that “Wouldn’t David Duchovny have been an inspired casting choice” and I thought about that and it made my whole stomach cramp with desire to make that so, because YES, that would have been BRILLIANT.

So, phone in hand so Erin and I could tweet each other while watching, I settled in for the first half of the two-day event.

And friends and neighbors, it sucked so hard I turned it off after the first hour.

I KNOW WHAT THE HELL. Stephen KING. I turned off a Stephen King miniseries. After the first HOUR. My tolerance for crap has gone way, way downhill in the past few months. I just don’t have the time for it. I sit down with crap and I start thinking of the millions of other things I have to do that I should be doing and it makes me twitchy. But this was awful.

Brosnan looked his age; he didn’t attempt to hide his accent (it may have been explained later in the series why a native Maine-ite was Irish, but I wasn’t sticking around for that bit of business alone); Mattie Devore, the lovely 20-year-old, LOOKED twenty, so 58-year-old Brosnan climbing on her later was going to give me the creeping willies; the special effects looked like I could achieve them with some fishing line and my cell phone camera; Brosnan was so over-the-top-scenery-chewy that I laughed out loud at him sadly a couple of times; and at one point, he went for a run, and was flailing his arms like Phoebe in that episode of Friends where she went for a run in the park. Also I think he was falling in love with a tree when I turned it off, but that particular plot development will have to stay hidden for now.

SON I AM DISAPPOINT.

That got me thinking, and some friends and I were talking, about how King’s adaptations are very hit-or-miss. You’ve noticed this, right? For every one of his movies that’s brilliant and amazing, there’s one that makes you laugh so hard you choke on your popcorn. What does he think of this, I wonder? Is he embarrassed? As an author, do you even watch your own movies? Or do you say “nuh-uh, not watching that crap, no thanks, they’ll leave out my favorite part” and you go out to dinner that night and avoid all media?

Let’s talk about some hits and misses.

HIT:

Carrie

No, NOT the remake. The original. Yes, yes, it’s a little cheesy to watch it now, what with the 70s production values and such. But this is a really, really good movie. Creepy and awesome and ZOMG Sissy Spacek’s blank stare out of her blood-covered face at the prom when she shuts the gym doors to lock everyone in to unleash destruction. I do wish they hadn’t had her kill her mother with kitchen implements? But it’s more theatrical than a heart attack, I get it. And then! The hand! Coming out of the grave at the end! POW!

MISS:

Bag of Bones

See above. Also, Matt Frewer was in this, and he will always be The Trashcan Man to me if he’s in a King adaptation, so I kept waiting for him to say “MY LIFE FOR YOU” to Brosnan or something, and it didn’t happen, and that was sad for me. Oh, and Jason Priestly was in it. I don’t really have a snarky comment about that. Just thought it bore mentioning that Brandon Walsh was in this movie.

HIT:

Stand by Me

If you don’t love this movie I’m pretty sure your soul is dead, seriously. Baby River Phoenix, all full of life and such a little golden god! Baby Wil Wheaton, ZOMG with his little face! Scary Kiefer Sutherland! The pie-eating contest! Chopper the attack dog! The body! The leeches! The crying! Richard Dreyfuss and the photo at the end! The story was brilliant, and the movie was such an amazing adaptation. Total win for King on this one.

MISS:

Dreamcatcher

OK, this, granted, was not one of my favorite books, but the movie reached such epic levels of suck that I don’t even know where to begin. Morgan Freeman’s eyebrows (see above) pretty much took over the screen every time he made an appearance. There were shit-weasels. Jason Lee at one point looked at the camera with this very “holy hell GET ME OUT OF THIS MOVIE” look that made me laugh so hard I almost choked to death. Donnie Wahlberg and his repeated “Duddits!” and “Ooby-ooby-ooo.” This is the movie that my then-roommate and I went to see and got the giggles so badly we were sure we were going to be ejected from the theater so we had to set up an elaborate system of coats between us to block ourselves from each other’s view, because every time we caught each other’s eye, we would just lose it all over again. WORST. Just WORST.

HIT:

It

Yes, yes, I know, there was some cheesiness going on, and the acting wasn’t consistently the best, but don’t you even tell me that Tim Curry’s Pennywise didn’t give you some nightmares. He KILLED in that role. There are GENERATIONS of people with coulrophobia because of Tim Curry now. Also, for a TV movie, I think this did a fairly good job. And I’m predisposed to be pretty hard on this movie, as this is my favorite King book. Also, I always loved Richie best, so it made me happy that he was played by a baby Seth Green and then a grownup Harry Anderson, both of whom are very handsome men.

MISS:

1408

Love the short story. I listened to it on a plane and it scared me so badly I had to turn off the audiobook. And John Cusack! How could this go wrong? Um. In a million, trillion ways, is how. At one point, Cusack enters another dimension where he’s in Antarctica or some such shit, I don’t know (photo above, so you know I didn’t imagine it, although I wish I had.) Also the ghost of his dead daughter is hanging around? It’s all very, very confusing and cheesy and not in the least bit scary.

HIT:

Misery

Oh, Kathy Bates. Thank you for making men scared that women have it in them to tie them to the bed and hobble them because they love them so, so much. Hee. Kathy Bates looks so insanely young in this movie, right? I love her performance in this so much it gives me brain freeze. She’s amazing in this. Her blank looks and her personal world she lives in where Paul LOVES HER DAMMIT make me so happy. It’s not the most faithful adaptation, but it’s a good one.

MISS:

Kingdom Hospital

This series confused me so much I stopped watching after a few episodes. I was so excited! Stephen King had a whole SERIES! And it was so incomprehensible I just sat there for an hour every week thinking, “what is HAPPENING I feel SO STUPID right now.” My favorite memory of this series is one episode where a dead body came back to life without its head, and walked around the hospital looking for its head, set to the song “Where’s Your Head At” by the Basement Jaxx. Loudly. For like five minutes. Just bumbling around, looking for its head. It was like a fever dream on your TV screen once a week. Oh! And also I think there might have been a killer anteater. Obviously the viewers thought it was cuckoo-bananas, too, because it went away. And King every once and a while grumps about how awesome it was and why didn’t American viewers GET IT in interviews. Where’s your head at, Steve.

HIT:

The Shawshank Redemption

Oh, my. Listen. This movie is just utter, utter perfection, from beginning to end, isn’t it? I always loved the novella – one of my favorite from him – but the movie brought out hidden layers and brought the friendship between Andy and Red to the forefront and the loneliness and the longing and the hope being a thing with feathers. This is one of those movies, if I catch it when flipping channels, I will watch it, no matter what I’m doing, no matter what I have going on. Tim Robbins will always be Andy to me, no matter what he goes on to do. I love him so much in this movie.

MISS:

The Langoliers 

Let’s end with this. Now, this wasn’t the best story in the world, overall. It wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t the best. This miniseries – well, you’ve got Cousin Balki as the antagonist. You’ve got Joe from Wings as the protagonist. No one could act; the plot was so thin you could drive a semi through parts of it; the special effects were so, so awful – seriously, does anyone remember what the Langoliers looked like, once they actually appeared? Green-screen chattery teeth. It was EMBARRASSING. They looked like something out of a VIDEOGAME. If you couldn’t afford a GOOD videogame and had to get one from the bargain bin at the front of the grocery store or something. And, at the end, the survivors all turned to one another, and laughed, and LEAPT IN THE AIR AND HIGH-FIVED. And then the movie FREEZE-FRAMED. No, I’m not kidding. That was the image the credits rolled over. I watched this with a college friend and we looked at each other and shook our heads at that, all, “really? Just…no.”

Next up, apparently, is a TV adaptation of Under the Dome, and a remake of The Stand, neither of which I have the highest expectations for, to be quite frank, but listen. I’ll be there. I may HATE them, but I’ll be there. Because it’s King, and, much like Google, King owns my soul. My dark, twisty, broken soul.


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