An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 32)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Howdy, people! It is now officially almost the end of February. Really all this means to me is that I’m one month closer to going to Finland, and one month closer to seeing Andreas‘ smiling face in PERSON, you guys! (Well, again, as I’ve already seen it…and I see it every couple of weeks when we chat on the Google…but this will be better because it will be in the LAND OF FINNS!) Really I’m just tolerating this winter to make it through to the spring. Because the spring will be AWESOME.

Aw, these interspecies friends are ALSO waiting for spring!

Aw, these interspecies friends are ALSO waiting for spring!

Things have been cuckoo-bananas-crazy around these here parts, with many things going on and much, much busyness. But all is well, just a little hectic. Expect at least ONE post about ONE of the things going on sometime soon, because I have many photos that will make you glow and awww and squee. Once I get a few minutes to write about it, that is. Right now, I’m sneaking this in while I’m watching television and keep getting distracted by the pretty moving pictures.

So, just in case you’re new (and if so, hello, new friend! Sorry I don’t blog enough. I used to blog more. Maybe I will someday again), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 32th one. That’s kind of impressive, if you think about it. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? I think I feel like I have to, at this point. Like, maybe if I stopped, the earth would just stop SPINNING.

I got a lot of search terms this month, but they were mostly all variations on pervy things and Facebook questions (and someone was stalking my blog by typing in “Lucy’s Football cats” and “Lucy’s Football sex” and “Lucy’s Football Finland” and that’s nice, but who are you and what do you want with me? So after narrowing things down, we’re left with not many search terms or questions this month. I’m cool with that. I’ve got the attention span of a gnat right now, yo.

OK. Are you wondering what search terms brought people to the old Football this month? Of course you are. Why wouldn’t you be? We’re just going to list them all out one by one this month, since there aren’t many of them. Switch things up a little. See how we like that. I don’t usually dig change, but I’m willing to try anything once.

“but fuck finland” Well! That seems rude. What a rude thing to say! I love Finland. One of my favorite humans of all the humans lives in the Finland. Also, Finland has awesome things like delicious chocolates, and reindeer, and the midnight sun, and raccoon dogs, and hedgehogs. Finland is filled with awesomeness. Don’t use naughty words about the land of Finns, yo.

a poem that will make mom not whoop daughter Oh, I think maybe you’re putting too much weight on a poem. If your mom is about to “whoop” you, no poem’s going to make her stop, kiddo. What, she’s going to read “The Road Not Taken” or “A Dream Deferred” and be all, “I shall not hit my child today?” Poetry does a lot of things, but I don’t know that it’ll stop a whoopin’, darlin’. Sorry to tell you.

accidentally posted blowjob video tumblr I can’t even imagine how this accident occurred. Sincerely. I’m so befuddled. Did you think you were uploading a video of a kitten, or something, and WHOOPS THAT’S OUR PERSONAL TIME! OK, first? Don’t record your sexytimes. I know it seems like a good idea (ok, no, no I don’t) but IT IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA. And second, don’t ACCIDENTALLY POST THAT ON TUMBLR. I don’t use Tumblr much. Can’t you just take that DOWN? I mean, anyone could have uploaded it, and saved it, and is now getting…inspired…by your artistic endeavor…but just take it down. At least MORE people won’t be “inspired” by it, you know?

This is the proper face for when you come across some of the things that are online that shouldn't be. Trust me on this.

This is the proper face for when you come across some of the things that are online that shouldn’t be. Trust me on this.

bdsm marionette picture OMG NO. Come on now. Marionettes are creepy enough as it is. Now you want one all tricked out to, what, spank you or whatever? You’re a sick mammajamma. Go elsewhere for your kicks. The only kicks you’re getting around here are in the bum. And not the saucy kinds, either.  Urgh.

chuggington gangster Is there a gangster on Chuggington? Or are you calling Chuggington a gangster? The Nephew doesn’t watch that show anymore, I don’t think. Strangely, the last time I saw him he kept singing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle song, and he laughed when I told him I saw that movie in the theaters. He laughed harder when I said, “I’m very old, The Nephew.”

Chuggington is very nice, so this was the scariest character I could find, and only because it's a monkey and I hate monkeys.

Chuggington is very nice, so this was the scariest character I could find, and only because it’s a monkey and I hate monkeys.

david busters yolo bears Dude! It isn’t a BEAR, it’s a HAMSTER. And it is AWESOME. Friend K. came over a while back and was all, “Why do you have that…thing…on your table that has a YOLO shirt” and I was all, “K.! IT IS A YOLO HAMSTER!” and she laughed and said “Only you would have a YOLO hamster on your kitchen table, Amy.” Also, it’s Dave and Busters, not David Busters. Come on, now.

Here is MY YOLO hamster! You can be jealous. It's ok.

Here is MY YOLO hamster! You can be jealous. It’s ok.

do you like my eyebrows Yes. I do. I think they’re fantastic. You’re lovely. Don’t ever doubt it, you!

female sounds of ecstasy Oh, honey. No. Just stop. You’re searching for this on the Googles? Don’t even bother, ok? The ones you’re going to find are weird fake porn, anyway. You know who makes realistic sounds of female ecstasy? REAL WOMEN YOU ARE INTIMATING WITH. Check that out sometime. It’s unparalleled.

finns kill reindeers Yeah, I think they do. I know Andreas has mentioned the eating of reindeer meat before. I think it’s a thing there. (It’s probably like hunting deer here, I’d think?) But, not to worry. Santa’s reindeer are fine, I think. They’re not in the land of Finns. They’re at the North Pole. Santa-ing.

This is the happiest reindeer EVER! Don't kill him, Finland!

This is the happiest reindeer EVER! Don’t kill him, Finland!

forehead ecstasy and passion What’s up with all the ecstasy searches this month? I think I blogged about the DRUG Ecstasy once. Are you confused about the difference? And listen, I know we have a lot of erogenous zones, but I don’t know that the forehead is one. If someone was all rubbing and licking my forehead, I think I’d start giggling and tell ’em to get off. Just my prerogative, though.

grade 12 essay on what is happening to our young people?they disrespect elders,etc I’m not doing your homework for you, kiddo. You need to use your brain, ok? Or it will atrophy and melt out of your ears. Also, what a terrible essay topic. I would argue the opposite of this. I think adults always say this, in every generation, and you, Grade 12er, will say the same thing about kids your age when you an older person. Your teachers should come up with something better. Probably don’t tell them I said that, though, you’ll end up in detention.

hardest sheet music ever EVER? Man, that’s subjective. The answer is, ALL OF IT. Mostly because I can’t read music. But if anyone who does read music wants to chime in, please feel free.

in darkness and secrecy representivity Ha! I don’t know what this means, but I like how it’s phrased. It sounds like something from the code of conduct from a secret club. Are you inviting me into your secret club? I’ll think about it. Thank you, kind searcher!

SPECIAL PEOPLE CLUB! I need to watch this movie again. Like, immediately.

SPECIAL PEOPLE CLUB! I need to watch this movie again. Like, immediately.

morning porn OK. I’m curious. Is morning porn different than afternoon or evening porn? Like, would the naked laydeez be eating waffles, or something? Would you be in a different mood in the morning, porn-wise, than you would be when the sun was higher in the sky? This is all very interesting to me, in kind of a psychological way, honestly. Anyone have any ideas?

passenger singer sounds like speech impediment OMG HE’S BRITISH. It’s not a SPEECH IMPEDIMENT. What would you even think if you went to England? That they ALL have speech impediments? I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry, to be honest. Also, British accents? Sexy as hell. Why are you thinking they have lateral lisps, or something?

Also, he's adorable in a beardy way, right? Right.

Also, he’s adorable in a beardy way, right? Right.

people you may know are they stalking me? or am i stalking them? This is such an existential question. Are THEY stalking YOU? Or are YOU stalking THEM? Well, I can answer this for you, because, as you know, I am apparently the Facebook guru of the internet. (And of the real world, I guess. Two people have contacted me this week in the really real world asking me Facebook questions. I guess I’m more user-friendly than the Facebook help section. I’m ok with that.) NEITHER OF YOU ARE STALKING ANYONE. There was a rumor a while back that the people in the “people you may know” are people who have searched for you; I find no evidence that this is anything more than a rumor, although it may be true, I suppose. I’m just not a huge conspiracy-theorist. No one’s stalking. You all put way too much weight on Facebook. It’s just social media, yo.

the proof is in the pudding bitch RIGHT IN THAT PUDDING! BITCH! This made me snort-laugh. What a thing to say. “How do I know you love me, Charles?” “THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING, BITCH!” “Um…what pudding? What does that even mean? Do you love me, or don’t you? Why’d you just call me a bitch?” “Man, that catchphrase really backfired on me, I think.” AND SCENE. (Also, don’t put anything in pudding. Pudding is delicious as-is, and also you might choke someone if you put that proof in that pudding. Wait, is that proof a euphemism? I don’t even want to know.)

upstate ny hunting cabins sale Are you trying to buy my parents’ cabin? It’s not for sale. Don’t touch it. It’s my thinking-place, and my zen-place, and it smells like pine, and I love it there. You can’t have it.

There you have it, internettians. Got it in just under the wire. This month has kind of kicked my ass, so I’m impressed this happened at all. Hi-YA! On to March! Here we go!

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

37 responses to “An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 32)

  • Mer

    I’ve missed you! Glad (?) to know you are busy and haven’t fallen off the earth.

    Like

  • The Waiting

    Sometimes when my husband is at work where he can’t access Tumblr, he asks me to upload graphics and stuff he creates to his blog. And let me tell you, it is CRAZY easy to do. Like, really. It makes WordPress look like rocket science. I can see how someone might accidentally upload The Sexy Times.

    Your search terms are always about a gajillion times funnier than mine ;D

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, that’s good to know! I will be VERY CAREFUL not to upload the sexy times! (Wait, I have no sexy times on my computer, just a bunch of videos of me being crazy that I have sent to people I love in the past. I’m safe, then.)

      I have the weirdest terms. I’d better get blogging again, or they’re going to dry up and roll away like tumbleweeds…

      Like

  • cynthiaw

    That reindeer is sooooooooooooo cute – I has the sads thinking that someone might eat him. But then again, I try not to think about how cute baby cows are when I eat beef, so I’m not casting aspersions Finnish people. Mostly, I try to stick with unattractive food like chickens and fish – which is very specieist of me. Or however you spell that.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I do the same thing. I know it’s probably really hypocritical of me, but I don’t like to think about the life my food had before it was my food, or I wouldn’t be able to eat it. And I really like meat. I once ate veal thinking it was chicken, and I was all, “This is the most delicious, most tender chicken I’ve ever had in my LIFE!” and the person with me said, “Well, that’s because it’s veal” and I was so, so sad. But I still think about how veal is just about the best. Then I think of baby cows with their little knobby knees and get sad all over again.

      Like

  • becomingcliche

    A poem for not whoopin’ a child. Hmm. I need to think of one. That’s pretty good. Then i will get ALL the traffic. My best search term was “drug screen I peed in sink?” Erm, did you or didn’t you? And why are you searching that? The internet won’t tell you what you did, only what other people have done. Unless it’s like the poor soul on Tumblr. Yikes.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Are they confused whether or not they peed in the sink? Is that something one forgets? I think that’d be burned into one’s memory, right? Once I peed behind a tree because it was late and I’d been drinking and there were no bathrooms and come to find out behind that tree was the highway and I showed a bunch of late night truckers my altogethers, and I can tell you, I haven’t forgotten that, or all the honking and flashing of headlights.

      Like

  • Brenda

    You make those search terms up. LMAO

    Like

  • Jenn Bulington

    Haha…you are so crazy! That’s why I love hanging out with you!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Whenever people I know in real life comment, I want to throw confetti and have a party.

      EVERYBODY! This is friend J. who told me about the sugar glider that died of LONELINESS that one time and I was so upset about such a thing and I STILL get search terms for “can a sugar glider die of loneliness?”

      She is also the best, and I adore her!

      Like

    • 35JupiterDrive

      Hi friend J! :waving madly!:

      Like

      • Jenn

        Why am I just seeing this? Google really should have notified me that I’m adored, lol! Oh, I see….I didn’t read the directions about follow-up comments. This Google plus thing befuddles me. Btw, :Waving madly back at’cha!: As for the sugar glider….he was a cute lil’ devil. Her papa was a theater whore and wasn’t home enough. :( Glad I can give you material, Lucy! Haha….

        Like

        • 35JupiterDrive

          I don’t have any clue about Google plus. I find it befuddling as well.

          You are totally adored! Any friend of Lucy’s , is a friend of ours!

          Like

        • lucysfootball

          Ha! Yeah, you have to sign up for follow-up-comment notifications, I think. Google Plus is VERY confusing!

          He should have brought the sugar glider with him to the theater! All theaters need a sugar glider, don’t you think?

          Like

  • mfennvt

    Um, maybe handwritten sheet music would be harder to read than printed? That’s all I can come with.

    Missed you!

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    That was rude about Finland. I don’t go around saying that about other countries. But perhaps the person had some reason to hate my country, what do I know? We’ve done plenty wrong, that’s for sure.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      SO RUDE! I don’t like people to say bad things about my people’s lands. It makes me cranky.

      Even if he/she has a reason to dislike Finland, THAT DOES NOT FLY HERE. Go elsewhere, Land of Finns hater!

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Finns do kill and eat reindeer. But so do Swedes and Norwegians. And Russians too. It’s a whole thing up here.

    Reindeer meat is ok, but nothing to write home about. Although quite possibly some Same people would not agree with me here; it could well be that reindeer is an acquired taste.

    Like

    • cynthiaw

      I wonder if it’s anything like regular venison? Because I do not care for that either. Or most game meat (that I’ve tried, I haven’t eaten bunnies).

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        It doesn’t taste much like moose or roe deer, but it is gamey.

        Like

      • mfennvt

        Venison is delicious if the animal is field-dressed properly after it’s killed. Makes all the difference.

        Like

        • cynthiaw

          I would think that would make a big difference – the one and only time that I’ve eaten it, I ended up with food poisoning and wanted to die.

          Like

          • mfennvt

            Eek! That’s awful. I’m glad you didn’t die. :)

            But yeah, properly field-dressed venison. It’s like BUTTER!

            Like

            • cynthiaw

              I don’t think that I was actually in danger of dying – I just wanted to when my stomach was trying to turn itself inside out. This is also why I won’t eat catfish – I got food poisoning from some in a restaurant and can’t even look at the stuff now.

              Apparently, food aversions that develop after food poisoning are some of the strongest psychological blocks to break through since not eating things that make you sick is a pretty strong evolutionary coping mechanism. :-)

              Like

              • mfennvt

                Ha! That’s makes total sense. I won’t touch grocery story rotisserie chicken thanks to a food poisoning run-in.

                The one time I ate catfish, I didn’t get sick, but it tasted like dirt. Blech!

                Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t love game meat. I haven’t had any that really made me happy, and I’ve tried a lot of different types. I have moose in my fridge right now that Dad gave me to try. I’m kind of scared of it. (He had it made into moose meat sticks. Like Slim Jims? Do you have those there? So they’ll last forever, but I’m still scared of them. Plus I don’t like Slim Jims very much.)

      I like fish, though, no matter where it comes from! That’s my favorite game meat!

      Like

  • 35JupiterDrive

    That 12th grade homework made me think of the ancient Greek who was upset about the state of youth. So it’s been a very long downhill trajectory. Apparently.

    What is up with the sexytimes searches? I mean, I know that’s what 90% of the internet is (with 2% Neil Gaiman) but it’s not what 90% of Lucy’s Football is. Confused.

    Land of the Finns always makes me think about how Finland was a huge deal around the whole Sweden/Russia/Britain against Napoleon and everyone he conquered. (At the time, Finland was Russia’s and Sweden wanted it back, but settled for Norway, but now everyone’s their own country. As you know, of course.)

    Mirage Studios (of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fame) was based in Northampton, MA. Trivia. I’m full of it.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think the sexytimes searches started a couple years ago when I blogged about the sex doll, and have continued to get weirder and weirder. The sexytimes are everywhere. You cannot escape them, apparently.

      LAND OF THE FINNS! I like to say that the most, because it makes my trip overseas seem so much more exciting, right? As if it’s not already the most exciting. But this makes it sound like I’m going to a fairytale land!

      Like

  • Pabkins

    You are just a tad bit, ok maybe an overdose of crazy. I dig that – you’re ok peoples. (I hates football though…can we still be friends?)

    Like

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