Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 19)

Howdy, folks! How do you feel about answering some questions today? Super-good? Yeah, me too. It’s like giving back, right? That’s supposed to make you feel good about yourself. And it’s much less scary than, say, giving a ride to a hitchhiker with one eye and a knife poking out of his belt. No, that wasn’t a euphemism.

We didn’t get a ton of questions this month, but we got some doozies. We always do, round these here parts. It’s inevitable, really, much like the sun coming up, the tides to-ing and fro-ing, and Dumbcat starting to beg for treats around 6pm even though treat time is 8pm, because he cannot read a clock.

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, or maybe your mom left the parental control off the laptop when she went out with “Uncle” Harold, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. Yesterday was the search term post, so, as you can see, today’s the question post. Nice how that works, yeah? Sure is.

So, yet again!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And as much as I like the traffic, I do feel bad for people who are weeping and wailing because they’re lost and alone and somehow trapped on Lucy’s Football island, even though it’s a wonderful place to be.

how many times a week to shave hands men Whoa whoa whoa. Shave your HANDS? OK, I know some men who have, like, super-hairy backs or chests or even shoulders or something, and they get waxed, sometimes, but I have to honestly say I’ve never heard of any man shaving his hands. Help me out, people, anyone ever heard of this? My answer for this is never. Never times a week. Leave your poor hands alone. You’re welcome, waxing’s better for such things, anyway.

how to make statue from string I think you build a structure from balloons, then wrap the balloons with string soaked in either glue or papier maché, then you pop the balloons and the structure stands on its own. You’re welcome, aren’t you glad I know things like this because I did set construction at theaters for years and years?

See? Like this, only larger-scale. Easy enough.

See? Like this, only larger-scale. Easy enough.

i was alienated from my mother by my father and stepmother how to fix Jeez, it’s like you’re living a terrible fairy tale. I’m so sorry. Talk to your mom; explain the situation. It might take some time to repair things; things don’t just get back to the way they were overnight. Be kind to your mom. Apologize. And what’s going on with your father and stepmother? They sound a bit wicked. Maybe distance yourself from them for a bit until everyone grows up a little? You’re welcome. Good luck, cherry blossom.

is a cat a rodent Oh, Andreas will love this one. No, a cat is not a rodent. A mouse or a rat is a rodent. A cat is a feline. (Also a carnivore, I suppose, if you want to be all sciency.) You’re welcome, you know you can Wikipedia these things, right?

This is also a feline; it will, however, eat your face.

This is also a feline; it will, however, eat your face.

is amy a common name? Unfortunately, yes. I think it’s less common now, but in the 70s, when I was born, it was the #1 girl’s name. There were so many Amys of my age that I was just one of many. I had a locker right next to an Amy who had the same last initial as me, as well. I’m not a fan of my first name. I wish it was something a little more jazzy, frankly. But it’s too late now. I’m not changing it. People would just be too confused if I showed up one day and was Zoë or something. You’re welcome, please name your kid something more original.

should i shovel snow if i’m sick Nice way to try to get out of something, trickster. I mean, if you’re DYING, no. Probably not. But if you just have the sniffles, sure. Get on out there and shovel that terrible white stuff. It’s awful while you’re doing it, and it hurts your back, but on the bright side, it’s excellent exercise, and when you’re done, you feel very accomplished. You’re welcome, stop dog-ate-my-homework-ing your household chores.

the best hooker for a spaceship OMG! The best hooker! Well, the answer is obviously Inara from Firefly. But she wasn’t as much a “hooker” as she was a “Companion.” I’m curious, are you building a spaceship? And populating it with hookers? You’re welcome, and also a little weird.

No question, this is the one you want.

whats worse porn or literotica Well. Worse is a little subjective, isn’t it? Is there anything wrong with either, if used properly? I mean, if you don’t get all obsessive, or think they’re real, or expect real women or men to act the way they do in porn/literotica, or read/watch really violent things and then act them out with unwilling partners, or something. I don’t judge these things. I assume everyone likes some sort of porn. It’s the way the world works. You’re welcome, don’t be so hard on yourself. Not a euphemism.

why always stupid people got big mouth Why always, indeed. Well, I think it’s that you’re annoyed by them, for whatever reason, so they seem super-loud and bothersome. Maybe someone you love seems stupid to someone else, and therefore would seem big-mouthed to that person, you know? It’s all in how you see it. I mean, it could also be that the stupid people have low self-esteem so are louder, I suppose. There are a lot of ways to look at this. You’re welcome, maybe invest in some earplugs?

why am i such a shut in I need more info. Are you injured, and therefore can’t leave the house? Are you suffering from severe agoraphobia? Do you hate people? If you don’t like how shut in you are, do something to change it – and that’s usually get out. Look in the paper and online, find something you like to do that’s going on, and go to it. Don’t let it daunt you. Go with someone, or go alone, but have a good time. And each thing you go to gets less scary and less scary until they’re not scary to go to at all anymore. Seriously. Or, alternately, get some medication that makes going out of the house easier to deal with. Worked for me. You’re welcome; I hope things get better for you.

why are lane bryant stores so expensive Because they know they can charge us more; there are very few good plus-sized stores out there, and people will pay a premium for nice clothes that fit (somewhat) well. (I recommend shopping elsewhere; I’ve had excellent luck at thrift stores, Peter Harris Plus, online, and Target. All for a fraction of what I’d pay at Lane Bryant.) You’re welcome; if they’re overcharging, choose to spend your money elsewhere.

why people shouldnt have butterfly knives Because they’re easy to hide away and ultimately stabby, I think. Not really sure. If you ask Dad, he’d say “THE GOVERNMENT!” or “BECAUSE OBAMA!” so don’t ask Dad. You’re welcome, maybe buy some nunchucks.

Yeah, THIS doesn't look dangerous at all.

Yeah, THIS doesn’t look dangerous at all.

On a scale of one to ten, one being WTH WAS THAT and ten being THE BEST THING EVER, how helpful were those answers? 4? I’ll take it.

Until next month – may all your questions be answered, and may your February be warmer than your January. Because no one likes the frozen wasteland of tundra of his January. NO ONE NO ONE.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

10 responses to “Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 19)

  • becomingcliche

    HAHAHAHA! My response was “Inara,” also. I’m not familiar with any others. Space cowboys, maybe, but…

    Like

  • Michael

    Your answers are funnier yet less crabby than what Lucy Van Pelt would say. You are not even charging a nickel! What a great value….

    Like

  • earthandink

    I have known about the shaving hands thing. But waxing is a good idea.
    Feline vs rodent: predator vs prey. That’s all I’ve got.
    I like the balloons from string.
    Inara was awesome.
    Why literotica? Why?
    Stupid people & big mouth: I don’t know either, but it reminds me of the comments section on YouTube. I mean, you could post a video of a kitten being cute and someone will get shouty in there.
    I hope that first picture is a screen shot from Walking Dead and not someone actually hitchhiking.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Who shaves their hands? That makes me sad.

      I can’t help but look at the comments on YouTube sometimes. Then I always wonder why I do this to myself. They’re always the same: someone being racist, sexist, or calling someone fat or ugly. Or worse. Who are these people, and don’t they have anything better to do?

      Like

  • Drew Jacob

    Oh my god Lucy I thought I was the only one who did this! (Shameless plug: ouch search strings). You crack me up.

    Also, I have to question your choice of Inara. I mean, that’s kind of the easy way out, right? Isn’t she basically the ONLY space hooker you’ve ever heard of? Remember what Robert Frost said about the same road everybody takes… and when it comes to hookers, you do *not* want to take the same road everybody takes. Not if Nathan Fillion was there first.

    I would try to recommend someone a little less well “known” for that searcher’s spaceship hooker. Maybe someone who has either never been to space before or never worked as a hooker before.

    Like Robert Frost.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I figure if she’s good enough for Mal (and for Whedon!) she’s MORE than good enough for me, because they’re my fellas.

      Although Robert Frost: Space Hooker has a definite ring to it.

      Like

  • Hannah

    How in the world are those search terms getting people there? And I guess the better question is WHY are they searching for those things. Ugh. People scare me.

    Like

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