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An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 31)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Well, here we are. End of the month. What, already? I know! January kind of sped right by. I wish the rest of this frozen wasteland of a winter would do the same. Seriously, it’s like we’re paying for some sort of sins right now with this cold. WHY IS IT SO COLD? Good grief. The other morning, after cleaning off my car, WHILE wearing gloves AND a hat, might I add, it took most of the drive to work for my fingers to warm up, and they were all ouchy so I was convinced I had the frostbite. IT IS 2014. I SHOULD NOT BE GETTING THE FROSTBITE IN 2014.

I'm going to be the "I can't get up I CAN'T GET UP!" kid soon, seriously.

I’m going to be the “I can’t get up I CAN’T GET UP!” kid soon, seriously.

However, even though if you go outside you will probably die of cold (my favorite coworker A. said, when he ran out to the convenience store across the street the other day, “ALL THE BLOOD IN MY BODY FROZE THE MINUTE I STEPPED OUTSIDE!” so we keep picking on each other about that whenever we come in from outside. “How’s your blood? So frozen?”) there’s no rest for the wicked. We need to help the lost searchers. I mean, what if we didn’t? Would they just be wandering around all week, sad-faced and lonely and whimpering? I wouldn’t like that. Not even a little.

So, just in case you’re new (and if so, hi! Where’ve you been?), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 31th one. Whoa, it’s not too much longer that these posts are going to be older than I am. Can you even IMAGINE? If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Um. Community service? Maybe it’s like community service? Sorry, I don’t know. I got nothing.

We’ve got enough search terms and questions for two posts this month, so aren’t we the most jazzed? We TOTALLY are. JAZZ-HANDS! Come on, everyone, let me see your jazz-hands. Not you, Ding Dong Joe, not until you Purell the hell out of them. You’re just filthy, bub.

OMG JAZZ HANDS TURTLE THIS WINS THE INTERNET TODAY!

OMG JAZZ HANDS TURTLE THIS WINS THE INTERNET TODAY!

OK. Are you ready? Hang onto your hats. If you don’t have a hat, go get one; all your heat leaves through your head, you know. Mom said that, so it MUST be true.

Facebook stuff and such

advantages and evils of facebook in our life Ooh, EVILS and ADVANTAGES. Do you think you might be overthinking Facebook? If you don’t like it, don’t use it. If you DO like it, KEEP using it. Don’t worry about it so much. Advantages: keeping in touch with your far-flung loved ones. Evils? I don’t know about EVILS. I mean, there’s pervs, but where aren’t there pervs? People on there are annoying, sometimes, sure – but, guess what. People in real LIFE are annoying, too. Calm down. It’s social media. If you think it’s evil, shut down your account. There. I fixed it.

facebook ruined a generation Hey, I think you and the person above are a LOVE CONNECTION! Yes, people are maybe a little more self-absorbed on Facebook – it lends itself to that, doesn’t it? – but I don’t think it ruined anything. Mostly because I don’t think the generation is ruined. I’m honestly exhausted of all this talk of this generation’s no good, that generation’s no good – they’re FINE. Leave the kids alone. People used to say that about our generations, back in the day. It’ll all work out.

Hey, look, Disney saved a whole lost generation! Impressive, no?

Hey, look, Disney saved a whole lost generation! Impressive, no?

facebook show wrong people you may know ….how to change So…you don’t know the people you may know? WHOA. This is MIND-BLOWING. Why would you want to change it? Seriously. If you want to see people you might want to be friends with? Tip! Click on the “find friends” thing. It’s like “people you may know” only they’re mostly all relevant. (And mostly all people I don’t want to be friends with, but that’s probably just me, I suppose, since I hate most people.)

Is this me? I’m a real-life person, right?

adventures of real life people I am real! I have adventures! I like that this search term brought you right here. All the adventures! I hope you enjoy them. Most of my adventures involve me doing something foolish and/or ridiculous. If you like such things, you’ve come to the right place!

I’m not sure what these mean, but I like them.

ask lucy bad face Is that my new name? Lucy Bad Face? Or do you ask me something, and I MAKE a bad face? I think that should be my gangsta name. Bad Face Lucy. Don’t you mess with Bad Face Lucy! She’ll mess you up but good!

baltimore lil one feel me i’m stupidly I don’t even know, but this makes me happy. Is it song lyrics? I know a lil’ one in Baltimore, and she’s just about my favorite lil’ one. She has a smile that could knock you on your butt, that kiddo. She is glorious.

blah blah blah don’t listen to me love love love the wifi to my love if life’s too my love is the shhh to email this to me to leave do i have something inserted in me where like a receiver retriever what the hell is going on what am i mixed up in by accident of course Yes, this entire sentence showed up in my search results. No, I don’t know why, either. It has many words that lead you here, like shhh and email and probably inserted because sometimes I’m naughty and euphemistic, but mostly I’m wondering, who typed all this into a search engine? And why? To what end? I have to admire this type of fortitude, though. It’s impressive.

Hee!

bitch please i ride a unicorn BITCH PLEASE. I RIDE AN IMAGINARY CREATURE.

Huh. I guess this is a thing, then. Who knew?

Huh. I guess this is a thing, then. Who knew? (It’s “a” unicorn, babe, not “an.” Unless that’s a weird British thing. Is that a weird British thing?)

What? What is this?

kill the trust wallpapers What’s “kill the trust?” Is it a thing? I am the first to admit I don’t know about things. I’m very much out of the loop and old and new memes always pop up and I’m like, “WHAT IS THIS?” and then I usually giggle at people’s ingenuity. So now I have to search for “kill the trust.” Nope, not a thing, so I’m just as lost as I always, but I did find this, so not all is lost. Thanks, internet!

I don’t think they are.

buffalo ny people are rude I know a number of Buffalo people (what are they? Buffalonians? No idea) and they’re nice as can be. I have no issues with the people from Buffalo. I was in Buffalo twice – once for a visit, once driving through – and the only complaint I have is that the time I was driving through I got crazy lost, but that was my fault, not Buffalo’s. (I am TERRIBLE at maps, and this was pre-GPS times, and it wasn’t easy to read a map and drive alone at the same time. However, I made it across the country this way, all alone, like an intrepid pioneer. I’m still proud about this. Young Amy rocked, sincerely.)

Crafty!

homemade lite brite with cups I was curious about this, but apparently it’s a whole THING. Like, you need a light table and a bunch of cups. I don’t want to make one or anything. I would, however, like a Lite Brite. Remember how much fun those were? I always wanted one, but the only cool toys that everyone else had that my family had were a Rubik’s Cube, a Simon (OH, how I loved that Simon!) and a Cabbage Patch Kid. (Mine was a redhead with braids and her name was Janet. She was the best.)

Only the coolest kids had these. I was not the coolest, sadly.

Only the coolest kids had these. I was not the coolest, sadly.

Naughty!

hot college swim team yay sex OMG! Yay, sex! Yeah, I’m down with that. Yay, sex. And yay, swimmers. I loved a swimmer once. They are hot. I can’t deny that. But this search term is a little less hot. The team’s not all popping out of the water and getting it on in the locker room, you guys. Stop that.

how wild people sex Ha! This made me laugh so hard. How wild people sex? Do you want, like, a manual? And it could go different ways. Like, how WILD people sex, or how wild PEOPLE sex. This is a little conundrum, this one. Also, no idea how it got you here. I don’t know that I have an answer for you, either. How wild people sex? I would assume pretty wild, but not SO wild, maybe?

litotica nothing but the but t Nothing but the but! t! That space there makes this for me. I was all over giggles about this. People search a lot here for literotica. What’s funny is, I’ve never blogged about it, that I know of, and the only mention of it is in these search terms. It’s like a snake eating its own tail. (Also, this is “litotica” which is kind of funny and poorly-spelled.)

literotica mom and son alone in storm EW EW EW NO. I think that mom and son would NOT GET UP TO NAUGHTYTIMES. Seriously, just when I think people can’t weird me out more, things like this happen. Although the storm was a creative little touch. Adds some urgency to this incestuous mess.

sex, women wee wee inadvertently If you can’t say “urinate” you can’t have sex. I just made this rule and I stand by it. Also, it’s called female ejaculation, and it’s not urine, you troglodyte.

sextoysyo dot com SEXTOYSYO! Listen, if I ever need to purchase some sex toys, I’m so buying them here. It’s like this site is made for me.

sexy zebra sleep room Sexy zebra? Like, is the zebra wearing a peignoir? This is very strange. I know some people think animal prints are sexy. I find them to be trying too hard. You know what’s sexy? NOT TRYING TOO HARD.

SEXY ZEBRA! Does it worry you that this is actually a thing? Worries me, a little.

SEXY ZEBRA! Does it worry you that this is actually a thing? Worries me, a little.

Well! I am…pleased for you?

i am so busy doing nothing I am never busy doing nothing. I wish I was. I’m terrible at it. I want to do nothing, and then I realize I need to blog, or email, or a million other things. I am busy multitasking, for the most part. That’s usually what I’m busy doing.

Methinks the searcher doth protest too much

im not interested in love People say this a lot, but I’ve yet to meet someone who really means it. If love showed up for someone who’s said such a thing, they’d accept it. It’s easy to say you’re not interested in it, especially when it seems everyone has it but you, but it’s a very human thing, to want love, to want to give love in return. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign you have a heartbeat. Embrace it, darling.

Yeah, sometimes, I suppose.

life plays a cruel game It does seem like this, doesn’t it? Life is sometimes terrible. And it sometimes seems like it’s all out to get you. We’ve all had those days (hell, or weeks, or months) where it seems like everything’s piling up against you. But life’s not playing a cruel game. It’s just the way things are. There are highs and lows, and your high will come. Promise. Life swings around. That’s one of the things I’ve learned over the years: things tend to balance out, eventually. Just stick to it.

Oh, well this is appetizing.

log bologna meat Nothing I like more than calling my food a log. YUM.

I beg to differ.

no such thing as too much tequila Oh, yes there is. There SO is. Also, a tequila hangover is a bad one. I’m unfortunately one of those people who can rate hangovers by the alcohol consumed, and a tequila hangover’s not quite as bad as a champagne hangover (that one rated the worst ever in my book) but it’s nasty. It’s a nasty, greasy, disgusting hangover and you’re all “NEVER AGAIN” until the siren song of MORE TEQUILA happens. Take this from someone who used to be in a very serious relationship with José Cuervo, please. He’s a terribly abusive boyfriend.

See? Even this weird old band knows about this.

See? Even this weird old band knows about this.

Aw! This is flattering!

please write me a notification for my birth day I don’t know you, or when your birthday is, or I’d do this. I love birthdays. And I love that you wanted me to remember you on it. Pretend I did, ok? BEEP BEEP IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY! HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS TO YOU, STRANGER!

All of them? I think all of them.

plus womens department stores that will sell to crossdressers You’re not going to find too many stores that turn away business. I suppose really snotty stores might go all Pretty Woman on you and sneer, but mostly, the point of stores is, they want you to spend your money there, because it’s how they stay in business. And listen, when I worked at the plus sized clothing store in college, I LOVED when men would come in and shop. They were so nice, and would model things for me and we’d talk and chat and laugh and I always looked forward to them coming in. So I suppose if larger stores are snotty, go to smaller ones? I’d also assume stores in larger cities would be more accepting than stores in smaller towns, but that’s just a guess.

Are you hinting that Dumbcat should have his own blog?

siamese lynx point blog Sometimes Dumbcat guest blogs here, but he could never keep up his own blog. He’s too busy sleeping, licking himself, eating treats, and making weird meows because he misses me when I leave for five seconds and he hasn’t seen me. I think this might be as CLOSE to a Siamese Lynx Point blog as you’ll find, though. What a claim to fame! I’m really pleased by this.

Whew! There you go, January, I kicked YOUR butt all over town. In celebration, here is the best thing on the internet today.

LOWL! I want to hug this owl, providing he didn't peck out my eyes.

LOWL! I want to hug this owl, providing he didn’t peck out my eyes.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

24 responses to “An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 31)

  • earthandink

    I love LOWL.
    The literotica searches concern me, why do you get these, I don’t understand.
    Hangovers tend to depend on the amount of sugar in the alcohol. So the higher the sugar content, the worse the hangover. If I’m remembering this factoid correctly.
    Love’s not interested in me. Which sucks. But I also sort of get it.
    Today’s my day to be pathetic, in case you didn’t get the memo.
    I love the please bitch thing. Love.
    I thought the Lost Generation was Hart Crane and Fitzgerald and Gertrude Stein. Gertrude said they were, made up the term and everything. I don’t think she had anything to do with Disney … although F. Scott lived in Hollywood, so their paths might have crossed at some point?
    As always, I love these.

    Like

    • earthandink

      Okay, I just looked and they say they don’t actually know what causes hangovers. (Apparently there’s a great deal to be said about it by people with multiple letters after their names, which is not me.)

      Okay, back to what you were doing!

      Like

    • lucysfootball

      Isn’t LOWL awesome? I love owls so much. I want an owl. Or maybe a hawk. Some sort of raptor bird that won’t eat my face but will be my raptory friend.

      I wonder if there are just a billion literotica searches, and some of them just end up here by default? It’s really strange.

      Love’s not all that interested in me, either. I keep the hope alive, though. I’m nothing but hope on two legs, some days. (You can be pathetic. We all get those days! They’re allowed!)

      Like

  • themathmaster

    I’m still in a deep personal relationship with Jose. But even I know there are limits to ingesting Cuervo. Tequila can be such a cruel mistress… goes well with turtle jazz hands though.

    Like

  • mfennvt

    Whenever you post these (every month then), I’m inspired to see if my search terms would make an interesting post. Sadly, they’re never as surreal as yours, though. We won’t discuss the terms the Tomb Raider post generates. Yikes!

    Like

  • becomingcliche

    Just so you know, you DO NOT want a lite brite. Little colored pegs ALL OVER THE FLOOR! And if you think a Lego hurts when you step on it, Lego ain’t got nothing on a lite brite peg. And when you’ve done the image once, it’s done. You can’t see which color to put where. I took my daughter’s to the thrift store when she wasn’t looking. Don’t tell her. She’s 16 now, so she may have gotten over it, but one cannot be too sure.

    I loved Simon, too. I’m going to get another one. Hours of family fun when I was a child. Laughing-til-we-pee-our-pants good times back then.

    You’re on page two of Google searches for “Siamese Lynx Point blog.”

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      But wouldn’t it be handy for things like, “Remember to take your pills, Amy!” and “Make cookies for work tomorrow!” It’d be like the cheeriest reminder board ever! (I didn’t even think of the fact that once you use the sheets, you can’t make those designs again. Annoying!)

      I promise not to tell your daughter. Your secret’s safe with me! Well, and with the internet. DON’T TELL HER, INTERNET!

      I gave my Simon to my brother’s ex-girlfriend’s son (not my nephew, but another boy, a long time ago – good kid. All grown up now. Man, I’m old.) It gave him joy. I’m not sad I gave it away. OK, maybe a little, but ONLY a little. I think they have Simon keychains now! I should get one of those!

      PAGE TWO! Let’s bump that up to page one, Dumbcat! Get to blogging!

      Like

  • Charleen

    I FINALLY quit Facebook! I used to just cull my friends list now and then, but when I got it down to like 50 and I still wasn’t enjoying the site, I figured it was time to be done.

    This doesn’t affect you at all, but since you’re apparently the Facebook guru of the internet, I figured maybe you ought to be notified.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      FACEBOOK GURU! Seriously, someone talk to Zuckerberg about hiring me.

      I like it, for the most part. I’ve cut down my friends list a lot, and unfollowed people I can’t unfriend, for various reasons, but don’t want to see their motivational “hang in there, kitten!” posts (or terrible religious/government posts, blech.) But I get why you’d want to get rid of it – a lot of people hate it. And good for you – better to get rid of it than just complain about it all the time, like most people I know! I just want to say, THEN DELETE IT ALREADY!!!

      Like

      • Charleen

        Unfortunately, even the people who I want to keep up with mostly use it for memes and ridiculousness… so it’s not just a matter of ignoring certain people.

        And yes, I wish everyone who complained would stop using it. The only reason I stuck with it as long as I did is because I kept ending up in the middle of group messages coordinating various events or plans… as soon as I finally hit a lull, I was all, “I’m done! If you need me again, you’ve got my number!”

        Like

  • quornstargirl

    Hi there. Just thought I’d clue you up on the inadvertent peeing thing. There’s a fetish in japan called omorashi, where well dressed women try to maintain dignity but end up succumbing to the need to urinate, in public places. Your lost searcher was probably looking for some of this unusual porn. I had they great joy of learning about this during gender studies research last year :

    Like

    • cynthiaw

      I totally could have lived my whole life without knowing that.

      And probably a lot of other things that Amy finds out when she researches this stuff.

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        Oh, it’s a definite truth I leave out the nastiest of the nasty when I’m doing these posts. I don’t want to scorch anyone’s eyeballs.

        Like

        • cynthiaw

          It’s probably bad enough that you have to scorch yours…. although, when I find out stuff like that, I’m all “OMG, you guys, you’ll NEVER BELIEVE what I just found out!” and then I have to tell everyone. Because, if I have to know, everyone should.

          Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, my. Yes, I should have realized it was some sort of porn situation. Everything always is when it comes to the internet, isn’t it?

      Like

      • quornstargirl

        Pretty much, yeah, haha. We were looking into a loophole in Japanese human rights law that meant that gang rape dvd’s are on sale there, and new ones are being produced regularly, which cannot be banned as that was seen as ‘censorship’. It was pretty scary stuff.

        Like

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