An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 30)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Howdy, people of the glorious interwebs! Here we are. Almost Christmas. People all running around buying last-minute presents and baking things and getting together with loved ones and such. My parents were supposed to come and visit this weekend, but could not; massive ice storm in the northern part of the state. No one allowed on the roads. If my dad isn’t willing to drive, you KNOW it’s bad, because he’s like the king of “whatever, this is NOTHING.” However, before sadness happens, please know I am just so spoiled that Dad’s coming down on Christmas Eve for lunch and the exchanging of gifts. He’s kind of the best, isn’t he?

I don't think it'll be THIS bad. But maybe. It's happened before up there.

I don’t think it’ll be THIS bad. But maybe. It’s happened before up there.

But! Even though we’re all busy with holidays and winter and such, we cannot forget it is time for our monthly check-in with people who accidentally got to the old Football in error and are wandering around here all big-eyed and lost and all “Momma? What’s happening here? WHERE AM I?”

So, just in case you’re new (and if so, hi hi hi!), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 30th one. Thirty, can you even imagine? This is all very exciting. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Not 100% sure, to tell you the truth. Entertains me, I suppose. You take your entertainment where you can find it, whether it’s trolling your own search terms or watching hours of terrible television, you know?

This month, I had very few search terms OR questions, which is my own fault for not blogging so much. I’m not even going to apologize. It’s been a busy month and I needed the downtime. However, that means I can squish both the question post and the stats post into ONE BIG POST! Aren’t you so excited? Sure you are, don’t even front.

Ready, Freddie? FINE, maybe your name’s not Freddie, just roll with it.

Agreed.

“i despise woody allen” Me, too. I know. I KNOW. People seem to love or hate Woody Allen; I can’t get into his movies. I know they’re supposed to be so intelligent and such. I’ve seen three of them; one made me laugh a little, and the other two seemed a year long and really whiny. I couldn’t do it. I have no interest in seeing any others, even though one of my most intelligent and cultured friends tells me I really should give them another chance.

This movie made me so annoyed that I'm pretty sure it preciptated the guy I was crushing on at the time to never want to go out with me again. Sorry, guy. We were not meant to be, I guess. You were a really good kisser, though.

This movie made me so annoyed that I’m pretty sure it precipitated the guy I was crushing on at the time to never want to go out with me again. Sorry, guy. We were not meant to be, I guess. You were a really good kisser, though.

i love my nephews images OMG, who DOESN’T? My little guy is the most photogenic. Luckily, his mom thinks so, too, and sends me all the photos of him and they just make me grin and grin. And I get to see him on Christmas day! I am hoping I’ll get some photos of him but whenever we hang out I’m just enjoying my time and I never take out my camera. I only regret that when I get home. At the time, I’m just so wrapped in the joy that is The Nephew I regret nothing.

there are a lot of things make me laugh Well, damn, I know, right? I laugh all day LONG. At, like, EVERYTHING. I think that’s a key to staying young, to be honest. If you’re always able to find things that make you laugh, you’re not going to get all old and closed-off and grumpy. I think you should laugh and laugh all the time. Go ahead, laugh at something, seriously. It’s like drugs, only there are no ill effects.

Confusing, but ok…

“king moonracer” badass  I don’t know that King Moonracer was a badass as much as a weird lion with wings that was keeping all the Misfit Toys hostage on an island, but I guess if you want to think of him as a badass, that’s your prerogative. I just find it odd that these poor toys are lorded over by a winged lion. LIONS DON’T HAVE WINGS.

He looks as confused as I am about why he has wings, doesn't he?

He looks as confused as I am about why he has wings, doesn’t he?

Naughtiness!

boyfriend penis “hang a towel”    WHOA NELLY. You guys totally stepped up the naughty this month. HANG A TOWEL! Well! I guess congratulations are in order? Not only do you have a well-hung manfriend, you have a towel rack! You know, in case yours is destroyed in a fire or something, I don’t know.

grandma have hot sex with her great dog and kaviar Great dog! And kaviar! Is kaviar a euphemism? Or is it just caviar spelled wrong? Also, stop talking about grandmas like this. I have a grandma, and she had sex with my grandfather FOUR TIMES and I’m sure it was VERY PROPER and produced FOUR BABIES and THAT IS ALL. Sorry, grandma. Cover your eyes. Don’t read this part. Oh, wait, she doesn’t read the interwebs because she says it can give you “the AIDS” so we’re safe.

having sex with roxxxy sex doll i wanna test Well, I don’t know that they’re “gonna” let you test. That thing is EXPENSIVE. You’re “gonna” get it all messy with your fluids. You’re “gonna” have to buy one yourself, sonny Jim. Sorry about that.

lucy pulling away football symbolism of sex OMG. Is it? WHY DIDN’T YOU PEOPLE TELL ME IT WAS A SYMBOLISM OF SEX? Wait, no it isn’t. Is it? SOMEONE TELL ME RIGHT NOW. Because if it IS, how tricky have *I* been all this time not even thinking of that? Good gracious. What would it be a symbolism of, like, cockteasing? I don’t even know.

my bully: i hate you, i love you (gay sex literotica) This is kind of the worst gay literotica ever. No one should have sex with their bullies. Bullies don’t deserve sex. Not unless they stop bullying, because bullying is the worst. Don’t reward bullying with all the hot sexifying, yo. Although, kudos for the creative title. Nice use of a colon. That is not a euphemism.

This is the place for euphemisms, my friend.

euphemism candy bar Oh, candy bars are ALL ABOUT EUPHEMISM. There are Mounds and Payday and Butterfinger and Special Dark and if you like euphemism (and we totally do around here) those are all things you can work with. However, if you’re especially skilled in euphemism? ANYTHING can be a euphemism. Up to, and including, a boring old Hershey Bar. Seriously. It all depends on how you use it in a sentence. And how you say it. You’re welcome, world!

Don't you even tell me this isn't a euphemism, you big hunk.

Don’t you even tell me this isn’t a euphemism, you big hunk.

I’m…sorry?

every little thing you do is driving me insane Yeah, I get that a lot. Sorry. Someday the technology will exist to put me on mute, I suppose, or to connect my brain and my mouth. I’ll let you know when that happens. Until then, please accept my most abject apologies for how annoying I can be.

i know she’s have big mouth She’s does! She’s DOES have a big mouth! And she’s doesn’t know how to close it sometimes and says REALLY INAPPROPRIATE THINGS! (Again, sorry. See the above answer.)

i lost my watch Oh, well that sucks. I guess buy a new one? I’m actually shopping for a new one right now, because mine won’t keep time anymore, even with a new battery. It’s ok. It’s been a good run. I think I’ve had this thing for almost ten years. But buying a new watch is VERY SRS BSNS for me, and I’ll be shopping for months until I find just the right one. I take things way too seriously. So, in summation: sorry about your watch, dude/dudette. Seems like an odd thing to search Google for, though. Did you think Google would know where it was?

you make me rude Well, THAT’s a new one. I make you rude? I don’t know if I’ve ever gotten THAT one before. That’s kind of a coup, isn’t it? Somehow, I made someone else be rude! Well, I’m kind of rude, at times, but I’m not TRYING to be rude, it’s mostly bluntness and the aforementioned brain/mouth disconnect…so I guess I’m sorry that rubbed off on you? That’s probably not a euphemism?

More Facebook. This place is all Facebook, all the time, yo.

facebook friendship request letter You don’t need a letter. Just hit the “request friend” button. No one wants your letter. Seriously. They won’t even bother reading it. People don’t care. They just accept you or decline you and move on, jellybean. Stop overthinking.

facebook i don’t like who you think i might know an want to friend request them This is one convoluted search term. You don’t like the “people you may know” but you want to friend request them? Am I misunderstanding? So weird. I guess…um…friend those enemies? FRIEND ‘EM GOOD. I don’t even know, darlin’, I totally don’t.

fb all the lonely people WHERE DO THEY ALL COME FROM WHERE DOOOO THEY ALL BELONGGGGGG

Are we kindred spirits in terrible television?

hanging in ravonwood OK, I assume you’re taking about Ravenswood? That Pretty Little Liars spinoff? Listen. I AM OBSESSED WITH TERRIBLE TELEVISION. Yes. I watch BOTH Pretty Little Liars AND Ravenswood. I DON’T KNOW WHY EITHER. They’re kind of foolish and totally mindless. I like that about them, I think. I can turn my brain off when I watch those. Also, I like the clothes. I mean, I’d never try to wear them, but I like to look at them and think, “those are fun. I wish I was fun. Whoa, Aria, those earrings are too big, you’d get those all caught in your hair.” Now you know: I like dumb television. I also like intelligent television, but there’s far less of that on than you’d think.

Yes, it's as cheesy as this photo suggests. Totally is.

Yes, it’s as cheesy as this photo suggests. Totally is.

Confusing…

i peed all prize Oh. Ok. Um…congrats? I don’t know what this means? But it kind of made me giggle. “MOM! I PEED ALL PRIZE!”

Ah. Nice choice, grasshopper.

jason lee young Young Jason Lee = handsomeness times a million. (I even think Jason Lee NOW is ok. It’s the eyes and the sense of humor, I think. However, the crazy religious nonsense can stop, because it makes me nervous. Who’s he think he is, Tom Cruise?) You can’t have young Jason Lee, though, because he’s mine. I called him. Back in 1997. He’s been one of my top movie boyfriends for sixteen years. That’s a COMMITMENT, yo. So hands off.

*swoon*

*swoon*

Oh, I’m a plethora of info here, my friend. PLETHORA!

soap stores Did you know I am obsessed with soap? No, not like I have OCD and always want to be clean, or anything. I just really, really like nice soap. I don’t care about shower gel. I like really fancy, really moisturizing, smells-really-good bar soap. It’s one of my luxuries. I have three: soap, nail polish, and makeup. They’re my only girlinesses. I’m allowed. ANYWAY. Real soap stores? I recommend LUSH; you can walk into a store, if you live near one, or shop online if you don’t. Online stores – I’ve been using the Soap Box Company lately, because there are a million things for sale, the prices are good, there are often sales, and they put lots of extras in your packages. I also love Wylde Ivy and Indigo Wild, and at the drugstore, if I don’t have anything in my house, I’ll pick up Yardley London soap – I like the Almond or the Rose scents. No, none of these places are paying me; I just love them. Yeah, someday we’ll talk about nail polish. I’m just as obnoxious about that, as well. (Also, I am VERY easy to shop for. Soap or sparkly nailpolish. Seriously. Muy bueno.)

A LUSH store is sincerely trouble on my credit card. SO MANY PRETTY THINGS.

A LUSH store is sincerely trouble on my credit card. SO MANY PRETTY THINGS.

I’m glad! My work here is done!

you make me smile like a moron I LOVE THAT! It’s my goal in LIFE. Grin like a moron, bub. All day long. I love it.

Questions!

is the narcissistic generation evil What the hell is the narcissistic generation? I had to look this up. Apparently, it’s millenials. I think this is mean. They’re kids. Weren’t we ALL narcissistic when we were kids? No. They’re no more evil than we were at that age. Some are worse than others, JUST LIKE WE WERE. Kids are kids. Adults are adults. Stop putting people in boxes, jerky. You’re welcome.

love this time christmas time why do we miss our loved ones at this time Why do we miss our loved ones at Christmastime? Well, I miss my loved ones that are gone ALL the time, but especially at Christmas, because I’d like one last Christmas with them. Or, to be honest, a whole bunch more Christmases with them. Wouldn’t anyone? My grandmother was the BEST at Christmas. She brought all of us together and made us all feel so loved and every year since she’s passed Christmas has seemed very empty and it’s been sixteen years, dammit. So, yeah, sure, we miss our loved ones at the holidays. And all the time. Don’t we? Happy holidays. And you’re welcome.

why my friend thinks everyone is homophobic Good grief, I don’t know. Tell your friend that not everyone’s homophobic. Are there a lot of homophobes? Sure. But there are just as many non-homophobes, and more every day. People are becoming more accepting all the time, and it makes me so happy to see it. When I was in high school, the gay kids couldn’t even come out; now, there are actual clubs for the gay students, and they can walk through the halls (in some schools; I don’t know your school, kids, don’t try this and get hurt) holding hands like any other couple and I went to see a school play about five years ago and saw that and I seriously had a teary “how far we’ve come” moment. Tell your friend the world’s not that bad, and he needs to be the change he (maybe it’s a she, I don’t know) wants to see in the world, you know? You’re welcome, slappy.

one who insults too much is called what? An asshole? Insecure? Trying too hard to be funny and/or cutting edge? Extremely negative and therefore not worthy of being in your life because they’ll just bring you so far down you’re constantly in a dark mood when you have to deal with them? I don’t know that there’s a word for it, honestly. Sorry. I wish I could say you’re welcome but I wasn’t helpful.

what does it mean when someone writes dun dun dunnnn It’s SUSPENSE, baby! Dun dun dunnnnnn. Like in an old movie when something bad’s about to happen. Or a cartoon. DUN DUN DUNNNNN! Here, I’ll use it for you. You’re…dun dun dunnnn…welcome!

what is a good response “i can’t stand you” Walk away? Laugh? Say “ZOMG NO MY HEART SHE IS BROKEN HOW CAN I SURVIVE NOW?” If someone says “I can’t stand you,” and they’re not saying it in a loving, joking, sarcastic way, then screw ’em, babe. Not worth a single thought. Not worth any time. Find someone who CAN stand you. You’re welcome. You deserve better.

what to do when wild duck walks into yard I would laugh, and cheer, and grab my camera, probably. I love ducks. Even though Andreas told me once they were rapists of the natural world and I was all “ANDREAS! ZOMG!” and laughed so hard that he would say something like that and I was so happy I knew someone that was comfortable telling me ducks were the rapists of the natural world as my friend because that is a very serious sciency thing but also just so randomly awesome? Don’t be mean to the wild duck, to get back on track. The wild duck will not hurt you. It’s not like it’s a goose. Geese are MEAN. Just leave the duck alone. It’ll leave eventually. Or not. Maybe it lives there now! How lucky would that make you? You’re welcome! Say hi to your duck friend for me! I recommend you name him Jasper.

Hi! I'm in your yard! Call me Jasper!

Hi! I’m in your yard! Call me Jasper!

Whew! That’s a lot of words. My brain hurts.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

Advertisements

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

27 responses to “An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 30)

  • Jeff

    I’m pretty sure the Lucy football thing is not a euphemism for sex. I can’t see Mr. Schultz doing that. The candy bars, though. . . chock full of euphemisms, eh?

    Like

  • cynthiaw

    Oooh… I love the nice soaps, too. I usually get mine at Marshall’s or TJ Maxx though because I hate paying full price for fancy soap.

    Watches ARE a serious business though – it took me forever to find mine. I bought an automatic so I don’t have to worry about batteries ever again.

    Maybe the pee prize one was looking for a potty training guide? My niece has a chart with stars and she gets awards at different star levels and stuff. However, she has apparently decided that this potty business is too stressful and she’d rather just stay in her diaper, thank you very much.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I love them there, too. I didn’t get any last time I was there, but saw a ton I wanted. I might hit them up the next time I’m in that plaza!

      I wear watches for so long it has to be the most perfect watch I can find. I mean, this one lasted almost a decade…so the next one has to be very special.

      Like

  • summerstommy2

    I have to agree with you about Woody Allen movies I often feel to watch one is the sacrifice two hours of my life I will never get back.

    Great post as always Amy, have a merry Christmas, I hope your dad gets to see you Christmas eve and Christmas is all you hope for it to be.
    I do enjoy reading your posts.
    Michael

    Like

  • kristy4214

    I found your blog by accident and damn if I didn’t read the whole thing! Usually I’ll skim longer than long posts but I couldn’t imagine wht you would say next so I had to read the whole thing!!, and I love the insertion of media. Where do you find pics your allowed to use in your posts and I want to know how to do that keyword search. I write about dark things like depression because I want to be or am an advocate for the mentally challenged. Wanna hear something cool though ever since I started to blog in October my depression went away. Why?, because I suddenly had a purpose and I felt like I was helping people. I write about my interesting past and how I move into darkness then into the light and back to some form of darkness again but we all do that. I have to sto now before my comment becomes a post. I feel the juices starting to flow. Check me out and tell me what I am doing right. It’s a shorter list. Lol :-)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Thank you! I just do a Google search for images. The search terms is under your stats – click from your dashboard and it’s on the left-hand side on your stats page, about 3/4 of the way down – you’ll see what people have been searching for to get them to your blog, and you can click for further detail. I’m glad blogging’s working out so well for you! That’s great!

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Or swans. Swans are pretty mean as well. At least the Mute swans. Don’t know about the Whooper swans (or Trumpeter swans as you have it over there in the New World).

    Side note: I was once in a fight with a Mute swan. We sort of had a Mexican standoff. But I was taller so I won. (I was trying to get it off the road so it wouldn’t get hit by traffic. Silly swan.)

    Like

  • allthenamesaretakensothisisreallyreallylong

    Wha?? No Woody Allen?? I concur that one either loves our hates Allen. I will watch Manhattan for you.

    Like

  • barefootmedstudent

    This is hilarious! You get such funny search items. I did a post like this once, in like 2011. Haven’t really done it since then. I get some funny search terms, but not 30 posts’ worth!

    Like

  • Thank you | The Hungry Dog's Lair

    […] his stats. Okay I’m a little obssessed, but nothing like Lucy’s Football who does a hilarious periodic post on search terms that led people to her site. But I am stoked today, technically it was yesterday. I […]

    Like

%d bloggers like this: