Whoo! Night of craziness around here; hoping to get this up for tomorrow. I’m still hellbent on getting on the road tomorrow for the holiday. See, I’m a stubborn little donkey. Some might say jackass; they wouldn’t be wrong. However, the weather for where I’m going is…not great. Not great at all.
See the 8-12″ area up near Canada? That’s my parents’ house. I’m driving right into the purple. Because I am a JACKASS. I might end up backing out at the last minute, but I’m all packed and ready to go because I really want to go. I really want turkey and family this year. My mother is convinced this will be my death and even TALKING to her about it makes me want to throw something across the room. “Do you think all thousands of people who are traveling tomorrow will die?” I asked her. “Maybe,” she replied. MAYBE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WILL DIE, PER MOM. (I’m not telling Dad I’m coming. This is a surprise for Dad. That’s another reason I want to go. I so, so badly want to go.)
ANYWAY. Let’s get on to answering your questions, why don’t we? I mean, I can’t let you go into the holidays with your questions all unanswered. That’d be a dick move.
So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, or maybe are a time-traveller from the 1890s and are confused about the glowing box with the words in it, WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE HERE?!?!, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. This month there were a lot of questions. I guess you’re all just adrift and seeking guidance. Which makes me sad, because I’m like the worst person to give that advice. But for you, little jellybeans, I keep on tryin’. I like you just that much.
So, yet again!
Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.
Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!
These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And how can I not answer their questions? I ask you that! I mean, that’s like walking past a lost dog. YOU CANNOT DO IT. That poor dog. It wants you to help it, with its sad eyes and mournful whimpers. HELP THAT DOG, DAMMIT!
are the children really our future Well. I guess, in like an existential sense, they are. They’re going to be taking care of you in the nursing home someday. But that’s not the only reason you should be nice to children. They’re like these little PEOPLE, you know? And they’re AMAZING. They’re like little information sponges. And they look up at you with these huge eyes and they think you hung the moon. How can you not live up to the person they think you are? How can you let that little person down? It’s not that they’re our future. They’re our NOW. You’re welcome. Be nice to the little ones in your life, ok? They deserve the best possible you that you can be.
can raccoon dogs be pets No. No, they cannot. They are wild animals and they are bitey. Stop trying to make wild animals pets. SIDE NOTE: Andreas saw not ONLY a raccoon dog but ALSO a hedgehog recently in his land of Finns and they aren’t always around. This makes me think that most likely the animals I most want to see are migrating back to Andreas’ island because they heard I was coming to visit soon (LESS THAN SIX MONTHS FROM NOW!) and they want to meet me. I am excited to meet you, too, raccoon dogs and hedgehogs! But, as much as I want to, I will not bring you home with me in my luggage – BECAUSE YOU ARE WILD ANIMALS. Wild animals are not pets. You’re welcome; be wise in your choice of pets or you’re going to get eaten by them.
how many curtis lumber accidents Ha! Like, at the Curtis Lumber store? I would hope not many. Are you implying that like a stack of lumber would fall on the shoppers’ heads or something? Do you know something I don’t? I just looked online and there have been a couple accidents, but they were employees who got sucked into sawmills or something, and now I have the shivers. Thanks a lot, searcher, YOU GAVE ME THE SHIVERS. You’re welcome, stop giving people the shivers.
does zak bagans have a skype account Why would you want to know this? Are you going to call him up and Skype him? He’s not going to accept your call. He’s going to be all, “this is a stranger” and ignore you. Also, he’s a douche. Why do you want to talk to Zak Bagans? SIDE NOTE: the other night, Dad said, “You know who’s still pretending to find ghosts? That guy with the gas mask. Whenever I’m flipping around channels and I see him I think, that guy is the worst and I’m not going to watch that show but if Amy was here she would make me watch that show just to laugh at that guy and she calls him the Ghost Douche.” You’re welcome. Maybe just Skype with people who won’t give you long-distance STDs?
how do i not get in trouble by my mom I don’t know, don’t do things that piss your mom off? Or don’t get caught, I guess. It’s a little of each. Or practice your saddest face when you DO get in trouble, your “OMG, MOM, I got in trouble, but LOOK HOW CUTE I AM!” and maybe that’ll help. Best of luck to you. You’re welcome. Behave yourself, kiddo.
how much is a mummyfied squirrl worth WHOA! A mummyfied squirrl! I don’t know how much a mummyfied squirrl would be worth, or even how much a mummified squirrel would be worth, to be honest. I’m thinking not much. One time I found a somewhat-mummified squirrel in my bed. TRUE STORY! I went to camp and we were making up our beds and when I went to do so there was a dead mummified squirrel in the bed. It also might have been frozen. It was a long time ago. All I know is that it was dead and I was all, huh. There’s a dead squirrel where I sleep. This is a worry. And Mom was all GROSS! And Dad was all, let’s throw that outside, ok? And then I made the bed. Things don’t gross me out much. Oh, you’re still waiting for me to answer your question. Um…let’s say $10. Does $10 sound ok? You’re welcome. Good luck with your mummyfied squirrl.
how to accidentally get someone to see your blog Hee! Accidentally. Well, a lot of people seem to accidentally see mine through misguided search terms. But I haven’t a single idea how to rope those people into seeing your blog by accident. I could give you a bunch of tips about search engine optimization and such, but you’d have better luck finding those elsewhere. Here’s my main tip: write a lot. If you write a lot, eventually people will start stumbling upon your blog. You’re welcome. Best of luck with everything.
how to deal with accidental homophobia in your friends Accidental homophobia? Like, someone accidentally gaybashes or something? Or calls someone an offensive term but then apologizes? No, I’m completely serious, I’m asking, what does this mean? OK, let’s assume there’s this strange “accidental homophobia” amongst your friends. I would think the best way to deal with it was to say, “hey, Friend, casually dropping that term in conversation really wasn’t cool; you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.” No? Fine. This is how I would deal with it: “Did you really just say the word ‘fag’? Sincerely? I kind of want to punch you in the neck right now.” Sincerely. I’m a mouthy broad. You’re welcome, I think, even though I don’t totally understand your question.
how to use your common sense in giving guidance If you have to ask, then I can’t help you with this. No, sincerely, I mean it. Common sense isn’t something you can learn. It’s something you have – or you don’t – and if you have to think about using it when giving advice, I’m thinking it’s too late for you. Some people are better at common sense than others, is all. I’m usually decent at it when it comes to others; I’m not always great at it when it comes to myself. I think a lot of people are like that, honestly. You’re welcome; just do your best. It’s all anyone can do.
is the world being overran by sluts No. No, I don’t think so. And I think the casual use of the word “slut” is demeaning and childish. And I think you WISH the world was being overrun by “sluts” but honestly, even the question shows you’re a small little person with a mean streak and you think you’re allowed to pass judgment on others. I’d say you were welcome, but you don’t even get that from me, because you’ve kind of pissed me off, to be honest.
what can you use for a rainbow bright costume if you don’t have the address The address for what? For Rainbow Brite? Like, her mailing address? This question confuses me. I think you could use whatever you want for your costume. Make it yourself from fabric from the craft store, I don’t know. I just want you to tell me what address you’re talking about. You’re welcome. I hope you’re the best Rainbow Brite of them all.
what does it mean if somebody says you are the lucy with the football That you’re mean and tricky and a tease, I guess. That you keep dangling things over someone’s head, but pulling them away at the last minute. That you’re kind of a jerk. I hope that’s not you. You’re welcome; be nice to people, ok?
what happens if my car is hit in the middle of the night with my insuarance agency I assume the same thing that happened when mine was hit while I was in the theater; if no one sees it, and there’s no one to blame, you pay your deductible (which is usually a lot) and get it fixed. I think there’s something about no-fault states but I don’t know which states are no-fault and I’m not 100% sure what it means, to be honest. I find car insurance very confusing. I think you decide whether it’s worth driving around with your car all jacked up, or fixing it yourself, or calling your insurance agency. I found that my gecko was not very helpful when I needed them, to be honest, but they’re cheap, so whatever, I stick with them. You’re welcome. Sorry about your accident.
what to give to to your boyfriend whan he is leaving A kick in the ass? A well-timed insult? Copious weeping and pleas for him to stay? Oh, you’re probably asking about gifts, yeah? In which case, I’m going to assume you still like him? Then I guess give him something so he’ll remember you. NO NOT NAKED PHOTOS. Those are never a good idea. Something with meaning for both of you; maybe music or a photo, I don’t know. I don’t know your life. Just stay in touch with him while he’s gone, you know? Call and text and email and Skype. Distance doesn’t have to be so bad, if you make an effort. You’re welcome. Best luck, little marshmallow.
That was a lot of questions. I’m totally weary.
Until next month – may all your questions be answered, and may you have a month of joy and wonder and very few pokes in the eye with a sharp stick. How few? Less than 1 is ideal. Aim for that.