An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 29)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Yo, interwebs! Here we are. End of the month, search terms ahoy. Hope you’re all doing well and getting ready for the holidays and such. Here, it’s getting cold and colder and there was actually snow the other night and I almost slid off the road because I was all “la la la IT’S NOT SLIPPERY! and it totally was and then I was like WHOA! but I’m totally ok. I just need to stop driving like a moron, is all.

Oh, this totally looks like something I'd do, doesn't it?

Oh, this totally looks like something I’d do, doesn’t it?

So, just in case you’re new (and if you’re new, well! Howdy and such! Glad you’re here!), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 29th one. I remember being 29. I was all worried about turning 30. Little did I know that my 30s would be AWESOME. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Well, let me tell you: I do a lot of things with very little planning and/or forethought. Sometimes they turn out swell. Sometimes I end up with a whole crate of quilting materials and realize I can’t sew. You win some, you lose some, you know?

Again, we had more questions than search terms this month. This leads me to believe people have caught on to how amazing I am at answering your questions, and it’s like I’m Dear Abby, only Dear Amy, and I’m a lot less thoughtful and a lot more blunt. I’m down with that, yo.

And here we go! All search terms, all the time! Fine, NOT all the time. Just today. Sheesh.


amateur jeggings  So, not like PROFESSIONAL jeggings, then. Would amateur jeggings be unattractive? Oh, shit. Wait. ALL JEGGINGS ARE UNATTRACTIVE. That’s what you get when you turn DENIM into LEGGINGS.

I'm going to go ahead and say the pink shiny pair are pretty amateur.

I’m going to go ahead and say the pink shiny pair are pretty amateur.

lane bryant open tip bra what the hell’s an “open tip bra”? All I can either a nursing bra or something pervy. Neither of which are sold at Lane Bryant. So what’s going on here?

my cat smells like banana Huh! Mine smells like…well, nothing. Fur, I guess. One time he smelled like popcorn, and my roommate and I thought that was hilarious because bearcats smell like popcorn and sometimes we called him Bearcat because he used to stomp around like a little mad bear cub. If your cat smells like banana either he got into some bananas or has some sort of tropical disease. Please note: I made that up. Your cat doesn’t have a tropical disease. Probably.

I know all about these!

lil abner most unloved unnecessary This is from a terrible musical named L’il Abner I was in when I was in high school. I was the whore. No, seriously. My name was Appassionata and my role was to be seductive and show my boobs all around the town. It was QUITE an impressive acting feat and really did nothing more than make this sophomore kid get all wild-eyed whenever I came out in my costume and say things like “humna humna we oughta hang out sometime.” This is a line from one of the songs in the show where they’re talking about their town being the most unloved, unneccessary place on the earth. It’s oddly a very upbeat number. Like I said: terrible musical.

Here's the chick that played my part in the movie. Want her full name? Appassionata Von Climax. VERY appropriate musical for teenagers, right? Right.

Here’s the chick that played my part in the movie. Want her full name? Appassionata Von Climax. VERY appropriate musical for teenagers, right? Right.

sinus that’s really a pip meaning THIS is from one of my favorite songs in Guys and Dolls where the showgirl is singing about how if she doesn’t get married she’s going to keep getting sick because she read a medical study that if you keep putting off your engagement you’re more likely to catch the flu. Yeah, described like that, it doesn’t sound so awesome, but trust me, it is. She says “sinus that’s really a pip” and I think it just means a really bad sinus infection because it needs to rhyme with “post-nasal drip.” Don’t read too much into it.

what does and the turtles, of course… all the turtles are free as turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be mean This is from Yertle the Turtle and it’s at the end when Mack the most beleaguered turtle burps and knocks mean old Yertle into the mud and the other turtles are free to be turtley and do turtle-like things again. It’s all a metaphor for power and the people you step on to get to power, and what happens when you fall from power; the turtles (and animals) are the people that should be free. Did I just do your homework for you, little searcher? Probably. I probably did. Dammit, you’re tricky.

Yertle is bad news, you guys.

Yertle is bad news, you guys.

what does it mean to hang out with the right cohorts And finally, this is a quote from the song “Popular” from Wicked. I think probably you just don’t know what “cohorts” means. It just means your peeps. And not the marshmallow kind. Your cohorts are the people you hang out with.

Facebook! Again!

50 annoying facebook people you may know Whoa, FIFTY annoying people! I usually just don’t know the people, and there are like five of them, but you know FIFTY and you’re annoyed by them ALL? You seem really impressive and fun to be around.

how to open people facebook  Open…other people’s Facebook? I don’t think you can. Or at least, I don’t think you SHOULD. I mean, if they leave it open and leave the room, you could snoop, I suppose. I know someone who did that and found out his ladyfriend was two-timing him which was Bad News Bears. But as for opening other people’s Facebook pages – yeah, don’t do that, Nosy McGurk.

if you unfriend someone on facebook how long will it take for them to show up in the list of people you may know I don’t know that’s ever happened to me, but I know it’s happened to others, so I guess it just depends? I don’t know if there’s any way to tell. And why do you care? You UNFRIENDED them. It doesn’t MATTER.

Hmm. I don’t know what…

al-be-ker-koo If you’re trying to spell out Albuquerque (or sound it out, I suppose) you’re totally doing it wrong. Albekerkoo? Yeah, don’t go there and say that. They will snicker. Seriously. Al-buh-ker-key. You’re welcome.

It has? Shit.

christmas has been cancelled But I already wrote all my CARDS and bought about half of my PRESENTS, dammit!!! Someone needs to be in charge of telling me these things SOONER than this!

Do you. Huh. Isn’t THAT something.

i get horny in my swimwear That seems oddly specific and weird, and must be awkward when you go to the beach. I’m thinking you might want to avoid swimwear? For the good of, like, everyone.

Oh! Well, thanks!

it’s ok to have feelings That’s so nice! I’m so glad to have your approval. Because I have a LOT of feelings. Sometimes I squash ’em down in my stomach-area but sometimes I let ’em fly and then WHOO DOGGIES. Can’t help it. But with your permission, I feel SO MUCH BETTER!

I’m sorry, I guess? Sometimes it’s best.

i’ve got to let him go Yeah, I’ve been there. Your head’s all “I have GOT to get over this shit” and your heart’s all “BUT I CANNOT BECAUSE OF THE LOVING HIM” and it’s like this cage match going on IN YOUR OWN DAMN BODY. Sometimes letting go is best; sometimes you are utterly incapable; sometimes you cry in your bed a lot. It’s all tough. I’m sorry. I hate that feeling. I sincerely do. I wish I could give you a hug and a cookie.

Whoa. That’s harsh.

lady called my son a bitch Called your SON a bitch? Well, first, that’s kind of a gender-specific insult, so she must have sounded like a dummy. Second: what kind of person calls your son names? I hope you got him away from that crazyperson. And possibly reported her to the correct authorities. I’m sorry. Tell your son he’s awesome for me.

Science facts!

ladybugs don’t bite Are you sure? Let’s investigate. WRONG! They DO bite, but only when they are needing salt. Huh. And apparently it doesn’t bother you, unless you are allergic to ladybugs. So sometimes ladybugs are totally vicious killers. This is good to know. Look out for those cute little things! Because POSSIBLE DEATH.



Why you stalkin’ Dumbcat, yo?

lynx point siamese polydactyl Listen, you can’t have Dumbcat. He’s MINE. He’s my handsome boy. Go find your own Lynx point Siamese polydactyl. If you try to take my good warm cuddly fella I will totally fight back and I’m really vicious. Like those damn ladybugs.

This sounds like code. Is this code?

mistakes were made out of the loop Ooh! Out of the loop, huh? MISTAKES WERE MADE!

weirdness had a crush on my cousin I’m totally going to nickname the next person who I can’t explain “Weirdness.” And listen, I run across a LOT of people like that in my life. More than is normal, actually. I’m a weirdness magnet. I just hope they don’t have a crush on my cousin. Or ANY of my cousins, actually.

Hallmark should hire you!

sorry your ex is such an asshole I would buy this card in bulk. I think you’ve found your calling, my friend.

There! All the search terms. Hoping for the questions tomorrow, if I can get the post written. Lots going on chez Amy and Dumbcat at the moment; we do what we can.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

17 responses to “An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 29)

  • becomingcliche

    OHH! Your related post thumbnails are awesome! Did you do them, or did WP do that for you automatically?

    “I need to let him go” may refer to a raptor they were rehabilitating, except now it’s eating all the houseguests and pooping on the curtains. Hugs and cookies are still appropriate in this instance, of course.


    • lucysfootball

      I know, aren’t they so cool? You have to enable them, but I don’t remember where the setting was to do that. I randomly poke around sometimes I find things that I either love or hate immediately and then say “UGH NO NO NEVER AGAIN!”

      Ooh, you’re totally right. It COULD be a raptor. Or a sea turtle! But the sea turtle would be much better behaved.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Contrary to what the name would have you believe, ladybugs aren’t actually bugs (Hemiptera) but beetles (Coleoptera). So the vicious killer bug up there isn’t a real bug. It does however live off aphids, and as they are bugs it’s totally a vicious bug killer. Which is almost as cool, right?


    • lucysfootball

      You’re going to hate me for this, but I call ALL creepy-crawlies bugs. Bees. Wasps. Spiders. Beetles. Ants. They’re all under the general category of bugs to me.

      I know they’re NOT, but I still call them that.

      Ladybugs live off aphids? Then how are there a billion of them in my parents’ house every winter? What are they living off? There’s no aphids in there!


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Also, I’ve never had a ladybug bite me (not a euphemism) but they do occasionally pee a little and the pee does stain your skin. I suspect it’s some sort of defence mechanism against predators – perhaps it tastes bitter or something. Birds certainly seem to leave them alone.


  • bensbitterblog

    Do professional jeggings get paid pretty well? I’m thinking about going into that as a career.


  • summerstommy2

    Sorry, but I didn’t accidentally find your blog, well maybe originally I did in some moment of randomess, as one does, but since then Amy, I have enjoyed the posts I have been fortunate to read. You provide me with a whole new perspective on American life. Though I am not in any way envious of your winter, the prospect of it being cold and getting colder doesn’t excite me, neither does the prospect of our climate getting hotter. At the moment it is beautiful today, hopefully perfect tomorrow. Thanks enjoy your posts.


    • lucysfootball

      Thank you so much! I’m so glad you’re enjoying it! (I promise most American life isn’t like this. I’m…different.)


      • summerstommy2

        Oh Amy I am beginning to realise that, which makes you and your blog that much more attractive. Different is good. I am a bit that way myself, but hey, you got to have some gimmick don’t you. Look forward to next installment of entertainment. Thanks Michael


  • Mer

    Hee! Totally random interjection: I can’t read/hear “vicious” without picturing Rob Lowe as Stone Phillips circa early 2000s SNL – “Trampoline: child’s plaything or vicious backyard killer? You decide.”


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