Advertisements

Help solve a very important mystery! Win valuable prizes! (There are no prizes.)

We all like mysteries, right? Sure we do. They’re like the best.

Want to help solve a mystery that happened at work today? I’d tell you there was a prize involved, but there’s no prize. Other than you can feel really proud of yourself that you solved a mystery, I suppose. Like, I’m sure Scooby-Doo and Shaggy feel pretty good about themselves when they unmask Old Man McGillicutty as the Coalpit Ghost or whatever. You, too, could feel proud of yourself like a stoner and his strangely oversized speaking dog!

Doesn't he look so self-congratulatory? Sure he does.

Doesn’t he look so self-congratulatory? Sure he does.

First, let me set the scene.

Oh, disclaimer: this story’s kind of gross. Just a warning.

So at work today, I had to use the facilities. In our office, we have the following for ladies’ bathrooms on my floor: a large bathroom in the lobby, with four stalls; a smaller bathroom in our actual office, with two stalls; and a unisex bathroom that’s really for the men, but we can use it too, right next to the smaller bathroom. There are also bathrooms on the second floor and the first floor, but we don’t use those much. Why would we? If you need to use the elevator to get to the bathroom, that’s too far.

I was in the lobby area anyway, getting water (hence the needing to pee – I drink a LOT of water at work) and went into the big bathroom. I went into a stall that a woman had just come out of.

“Hmm,” thought I. “This stall sure smells like poo.”

So I turned around and there, on the toilet, ALL OVER THE TOILET, was all the poo.

But it was in the WEIRDEST PLACE EVER. Like, it was in a place poo had no reason to be.

Don't piss off the toilet. No pun intended.

Don’t piss off the toilet. No pun intended.

I tried to draw you a photo of where the poo was, but my computer is NOT playing nice tonight. Probably too upset I’m writing a post about bathrooms. Anyway. Pretend you’re sitting on a toilet and you put your legs together and then put your calves back against the bowl. It’d be the front part of the bowl, facing you as you enter the stall. The outside part. NOWHERE NEAR WHERE A BUM GOES.

That’s where the poo was. All over there. SO MUCH POO.

So I was like, oh. Oh, WTF is this poo. But a woman had just come out of that stall. What if she was the pooper? And she was still in there washing her hands. So I stood in there as far from the poo bowl as I could and when she left I ran out and into the furthest stall from that stall as I could get only GUESS WHAT.

Totally poo, totally in the same place, TOTALLY ALL OVER THAT BOWL TOO.

OMG YOU GUYS WHAT THE HELL.

We needed caution tape in that bathroom. Like bigtime.

We needed caution tape in that bathroom. Like bigtime.

The middle two stalls were poo-free so I peed super-fast and got out (OMG YES I TOTALLY WASHED MY HANDS THAT PLACE WAS GERM CENTRAL) even though those two middle stalls have wonky doorlocks and you’ll be peeing and all of a sudden the door opens and you’re like oh no now you can see my hoo-hoo so no one ever uses those two.

Later in the day I had to pee again (I seriously drink a lot of water) and went into the small bathroom closer to my desk because, well, I wasn’t in the mood for all that poo. So I went into the stall and was all, aaahh, no poo, until I looked down and ZOMG YOU GUYS.

There was totally poo on the floor between the two stalls. Like, someone squatted and took a poo on the floor of the bathroom.

I was seriously flabbergasted at this development in the poo situation.

So I then washed up AGAIN super-fast and got out of there and looked for my boss because I was all, “Amy, you’ve got to report this poo thing” and she was at lunch so I told my coworker and she was like, “SERIOUSLY? I do not know what to say at this particular point in time” and I had to agree because listen, we work at a REALLY NICE PLACE! and we decided that emailing the facilities guy was probably the best move so I did and he emailed back “Thanks ~” and I don’t know what the tilde was for. Flair, maybe. Possibly because this was the actual email I sent him: “Hi: There is fecal matter all over two of the four toilet bowls in the women’s bathroom in the third floor lobby and someone defecated on the floor of the women’s bathroom near the copy room. I know. I am so sorry. We’re all sitting up here wondering what is wrong with the world. Thank you!”

But he never showed up and the poo abided. All day, actually.

And because we are children, we made poo jokes and giggled about the poo ALL AFTERNOON LONG. We made jokes about “doing our duty” and giving Depends out as Secret Santa gifts and all of the men in the office (there aren’t many of them) went in the women’s bathroom all giggly because they were expecting to see, I don’t know, pillowfights and tampons in there, or something, and one of them took a cell phone photo of the poo and they were all “WE CAN SOLVE THIS MYSTERY!”

They decided the toilet overflowed and deposited the poo there, but there was no water on the floor. We shot down that theory quickly.

I told my parents about this, and Dad got VERY SHOUTY. “That is the FIRST SIGN OF A DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE!” he shouted. “You stay vigiliant. STAY VIGILANT! There’s some sort of name for people who save their poo in plastic bags and put it places at work and also smear it all over. I don’t know what that name is, but the next step is bringing in an Uzi and killing all their coworkers. You should get pepper spray and scope out your exits.”

STAY VIGILANT, YO!

STAY VIGILANT, YO!

“That seems like a bit of an overreaction to the poo situation, Dad,” I replied.

Mom’s answer was just, “That is gross. Why would you tell me such a gross thing? One time I saw toilet paper on the floor of our bathroom. I couldn’t go in there ALL DAY.”

“That seems a bit of an overreaction to the toilet paper situation, Mom,” I replied.

So! Now it’s your turn, intrepid blog readers. What are your thoughts on the Office Pooper? Are the two poo-areas connected, or just separate things altogether? Is there any way poo could have gotten on the front of the toilet like that, or was someone purposely being smeary? How, exactly, did someone get poo on the floor of the toilet nowhere near the bowl? AND WHY?

There are no prizes for this mystery-solving, but you could add it to a resumé, if you wanted. SKILLS: Totally Badass Mystery Solving (Poo-Related)

I know. You had no idea when you clicked on today’s post you’d be a gumshoe. Or that there’d be so much poop involved.

Get to solvin’, little bloggonians. This mystery’s not going to solve itself. (Or clean itself. I’m so hoping the janitors come in tonight. Good gracious. I’m so disgusted with my office right now.)

Advertisements

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

27 responses to “Help solve a very important mystery! Win valuable prizes! (There are no prizes.)

  • Rosie

    My first reaction to this is, not surprisingly, “Holy crap!” I feel like there has got to be a child involved. Maybe more than one. Or maybe someone sat on the toilet backwards and missed? Ok, that’s all I’ve got…

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      No children in the office (or animals, which was a thought we had, too) and we simply cannot figure out the mess ON the toilets. (Well, we can’t figure out the poo on the floor, either, but it’s not AS perplexing, relatively.) No solutions today. Probably never will be. Sigh. Where are Scooby and Shaggy when you need them?

      Like

      • cynthiaw

        See, I was thinking about THAT part, too. And we have a couple of older ladies at work who are from a different culture. And I’ve been in the stall next to theirs a few time, when I’ve noticed that their feet are POINTED THE WRONG WAY. So… I think that they stand and kind of squat over the toilet while facing the back of the stall.

        So… if someone were doing that, she could conceivable poo down the front side of the toilet if she had diarrhea or something. But WHY TWICE? On two different toilets? Not that she probably wanted to go back in the first one after pooing all over it.

        I have to believe that the poo in the middle of the floor was a disgruntled employee though.

        Like

  • cynthiaw

    Oh. OH.MY.GOD – I have no idea how poo could have gotten on the front of not ONE, but TWO toilets. One, I could maybe see that someone got her pants down but then I had a blow out or something. But, TWO?

    And WTF was up with the woman who calmly went to the bathroom in the poo stall? Did she not notice? Is she that afraid of being in the stall with the malfunctioning lock? Or, did she get in there, notice the poo, and figure out that it was TOO LATE and she had to pee right now, no matter what? THE HORROR.

    And the poop in between the two stalls? I have to say that I might be with your dad on the whole smearing of feces being a disgruntled work or ex-worker – can people still access the building if they been fired?

    It’s disturbing. I mean, we discovered that the fourth graders were having peeing contests one year – the boys were all trying to see who could pee the highest up the walls. So, we made them all join the custodian in the bathroom with gloves and scrub the walls. But … they were NINE, not grown ass adults.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think people aren’t very observant. My boss went to check out the poo stall and didn’t even see it. Someone had to point it out to her. I saw it immediately, but maybe I was just looking in the right place at the right time?

      It might have been a disgruntled employee. Once you’ve been fired, you can’t get back in, but it was someone’s last day, and people were saying today it might have been her. I’m not as sure – she didn’t seem like that type, really – but I suppose one never knows.

      Like

  • April

    I actually agree with your Dad, stay vigilant.

    Like

  • emmawolf

    Once I checked into a hotel room and saw poo on the bathroom floor. Not like “whoops!” but like someone had squatted in the middle of the bathroom to take a shit. We got a new room.

    My guess is disgruntled employee.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      In a clean, new hotel room? Holy wow. How disturbing!

      The general guess today was probably disgruntled employee. That’s probably the answer, but I think I was hoping for something more…insane, or something, I don’t know.

      Like

  • innyganker

    I could roll with the mad employee theory but I don’t know just how mad I would have to get to play with my own poo. Pretty pissed off I would say, or pooed off I guess.

    On occasion at a job I once worked at we would get a rash of urine or poo in odd places in the bathroom stalls. Really what it is was was a new group of international student workers who were new to the US. They were use to squat toilets so they would lift the lids and squat on top of the rim. This in turn caused some missing of the bowl to happen. By any chance do you have any fresh immigrants in the office?

    And just as an aside, here in India, I would be amazed if I went into a bathroom that was not in my home and DIDN’T find a gift or puddle on the floor no where near even the squat toilet. My horror is now with you just a little.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m with you. There’s nothing that could upset me enough to deal with poo. Nope. Ew.

      We do not have any fresh immigrants. I totally saw a sign explaining how to use a toilet and not to stand on the seat and squat on it when I was researching this and I couldn’t figure it out. You totally solved it!

      Hmm. I think I’m looking at this all wrong, now. I should be thankful for every day that I go into the toilet and I DON’T find ickiness. Thank you for the change of perspective!

      Like

  • grrgoyl

    I don’t know if I can solve the mystery, because I’m still LOLing mightily here:

    “That seems like a bit of an overreaction to the poo situation, Dad,” I replied.

    Mom’s answer was just, “That is gross. Why would you tell me such a gross thing? One time I saw toilet paper on the floor of our bathroom. I couldn’t go in there ALL DAY.”

    “That seems a bit of an overreaction to the toilet paper situation, Mom,” I replied.

    There might be credence given to the disgruntled theory, and even more to the foreigner suggestion. ANECDOTAL PROOF: My friend works in Foxwoods casino in CT, and while giving me the tour he pointed out a fake hedgerow in front of one of the restaurants. Inside the casino, mind. He said they had to put up a barrier because the Asian tourists would pee and poop on it constantly. WTF is up with that, and remind me never to visit Asia.

    As far as disgruntled employees, they’re nothing to sniff at. I used to work with a woman who was lazy as hell, but got really, really indignant if anyone suggested she should do some work. One day she muttered something about bringing her gun to work. You’d better believe I went straight to HR with that shit (my desk was right next to hers, and there was no love lost between us. OMG SO LAZY). Nothing ever came of it. Well, she got fired, and to my knowledge never came back. As far as I know, there was no fecal material involved, however.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I DID find out today that we’ve had two employees leave us under not-so-free-will circumstances over the last two weeks. One I’ve ruled out because she left a week ago and therefore couldn’t get into the third floor (they take your keycard when you leave) and the other was pretty elderly, albeit pretty disgruntled. I can’t see her having the get-up-and-go to be the Poo Bandit, but I guess it’s possible, as yesterday was her last day.

      Good grief, who SAYS they’re bringing a gun to work? That’s just shoddy murderousness. And also, I don’t even know what to say about the Hedgerow of Defecation. Maybe that’s a thing they do at home? Eek.

      Like

  • becomingcliche

    There’s a public restroom at a particular park in my area where people seem to take their disgruntled dumps, sticking it to the man on turd nugget at a time. I can’t go in there anymore because someone wiped poop on the door handle, and the only way to get out was to touch it. I have lost faith in that particular park.

    Here is hoping a hung-over colleague was getting their jollies and is over it by now.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      OMG EW. Doesn’t anyone clean it up? Aren’t there park janitorial people? WHY SO MUCH POO?

      No poo today – the custodians did a good job last night, thankfully – but we’re still all perplexed by the events of yesterday. SO PERPLEXED.

      Like

  • ravinj

    Was it runny looking poo, or thick poo? Did it look like it dropped or dripped, or like it was smeared in place? Did anyone bring children to the office? Did anyone fail to engage their sense of humor over it?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Just regular poo, like it was pooed there. Like someone just pooped on the floor. No children or animals in the office, and everyone (in my department, anyway) found it pretty hilarious. (But we’re pretty irreverent in my area, which is why I fit right in.)

      Those are excellent detective questions. You totally get a spot in the Mystery Machine.

      Like

  • Heather

    I’m not sure I want to know the answers to these questions.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    This is most peculiar.

    Also, the sea turtle pretending to be disappointed might actually be the culprit, since sea turtle poo is more or less identical to human poo. It’s true: https://twitter.com/entophile/status/399059122219282432

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I would be so excited if there was a sea turtle in my office. I wouldn’t do any work. I would just hang out with the sea turtle. (Although, wouldn’t he die? We don’t have an underwater environment there for the sea turtle.)

      It WAS most peculiar. Nothing new on the poo situation the last two days at work. I hope that was the end of it. I’m not eager to have that happen again.

      Like

  • Stephanie

    No ideas, but I adore your dad’s reaction. Although I like to think that wouldn’t be the first sign of a disgruntled employee. Maybe the eleventh sign or something.

    People are gross.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      People ARE gross. I expect such things at, say, the county fair, or something…but at a classy office? Very perplexing. And it’s still unsolved. We need that guy from Unsolved Mysteries on this one. THAT would be quite an episode!

      Like

  • Multifarious meanderings

    I’d say it’s a hoverer. My mum taught me to hover – she always had doubts about the cleanliness of toilet seats, and instructed us never, ever, to place our butts on a toilet seat in a public facility. Imagine a hoverer who has eated too much bran. The world falls out of his / her bottom in one stall, then the urge hits them again but they go to another stall because they don’t like dirty loos. Hey presto. PS It was not me. I am not a a phantom hoverer, do not crap on the floor.

    Like

%d bloggers like this: