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Things you (accidentally) learn at a work retreat

I am home from retreating. Sometimes, the best part of going away is coming home. I am comfy on my couch with a VERY relieved Dumbcat hugging my leg in a very “ZOMG DO NOT EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN, MOM” way and DUDE, I was only gone for 28 hours, YOU CAN HANDLE THIS. Silly boy. I’m predicting a night of the cat sleeping wrapped around my face like one of those facehugger alien thingies, only furrier and a lot more likely to give me hairballs.

This would work for a cat, right?

This would work for a cat, right?

Things I learned at the retreat:

  • I am terrible at retreats
  • At one point, I was the person in a group with the “weirdest hobby” and that hobby was writing, which I guess is weird
  • Huh, I had no idea that was weird
  • I guess I’ve been weird for a really, really long time
  • Like, longer than I even KNEW I was weird
  • People really, really dig free alcohol at work functions
  • Like, more than you could possibly imagine
  • I’m completely serious, as in, to the point of falling and vomiting and screaming until 3am
  • It is very hard to sleep when the walls of your hotel room are thin and people are drunk-screaming til 3am
  • You can take a shower, but you still hear the screaming over the shower water
  • Even though I am terrible at work retreats, my team still won “most creative presentation” and I totally won team MVP
  • Are you cheering for me right now? Maybe you didn’t hear me. I WAS VOTED TEAM MVP. This is super-impressive, right? Right.
  • There were improv games, but no trust falls
  • Although people did fall, but because of drunkenness, not trustfulness, although I suppose drunkenness is a KIND of trustfulness
  • The food was supposed to be award-winning, but we wondered if the prize it won was the booby prize
  • Except the desserts, the desserts rocked our worlds like hardcore
  • If you watch Silver Linings Playbook because you don’t want to go to the drunken bacchanal bonfire you will cry all over your face
  • Seriously, how is Jennifer Lawrence so damn luminescent
  • Also, Bradley Cooper has the prettiest eyes ever
  • Once you’ve cried all over your face and you leave your room people think you’ve been having a nervous breakdown
  • Just ignore them, they’re all drunk anyway
  • And then the next day when they’re all green and swaying in the breakfast room you can eat your bacon all obnoxiously to see if you can make them vomit
  • Because secretly you are kind of evil
  • And that’s really ok
  • Because, as mentioned, it is obnoxious to keep people up until 3am by screaming in the lobby
  • Especially when you are at a work retreat and not at Cabo on Spring Break
  • The food for our final meal was bean quesadillas and bean soup and slaw and those are all heavily geared toward gas production so we decided to skip lunch because that’d be one long car-ride of farty
  • I’m telling you, people. FARTY. No one likes that.

These are all important things to have learned, right? What’s that? They’re not what I was there to learn?

Oh. Crap.

Sorry, work retreat.

SORRY.

I am totally the worst.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

29 responses to “Things you (accidentally) learn at a work retreat

  • Charleen

    Oh, man. Silver Linings Playbook. Definitely a movie I should have watched on my own and not surrounded by other people. Especially other people to whom I try to downplay my own mental issues, because some of the stuff in that movie just hit way too close to home to keep it cool.

    Luckily I’m kind of a crier at movies anyway, so my “keeping it together” and a normal movie crier’s… well, “normal movie crying,” were pretty much indistinguishable. I think. I hope.

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    • lucysfootball

      Whoo! So much crying was had. I loved it so much. (I don’t watch too many sad movies in mixed company. I have my safe people for sad movies, who know I am a huge sap and am totally weepy. They kindly ignore me as I leak all over myself. I’m quiet about it, at least. Unless I get sniffly. Sometimes I get sniffly.)

      I’m totally a crier at movies, too. Not all movies, but I purposely seek out weepy movies. They’re my favorite kind!

      Like

      • Charleen

        I enjoy weepy movies when I’m alone. I hate crying in front of people, though. If I’d known anything about the movie before watching it, I would have come up with an excuse not to, and then watched it later on my own. It was so good, but oh man… took a lot of effort to keep it to reasonable crying instead of all-out blubbering.

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        • lucysfootball

          I don’t mind watching sad movies with people in a dark theater. Then they can’t see me being all weepy. But in a house with someone with the lights on they can see I’m getting all soggy. Embarrassing if it’s not someone I trust who knows I’m totally emotional about things.

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      • lucysfootball

        I’m being rude and answering for Charleen. Not that she can’t answer, too. But YES. It was awesome, and portrayed mental illness in an intelligent way, and was funny and smart and sad and I loved it so much. I think you’d like it very much.

        Like

  • summerstommy2

    I agree with you about people, drunk ones especially keeping you awake until 3am. I’d be having a double ration of bacon and anything else to make them run from the room in horror. very entertaining as always. The retreats i know and went on as a kid were all religious and not a drop of alcohol was ever see, at least in daylight.

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  • grrgoyl

    I feel your Dumbcat pain. Tery had to fly home unexpectedly for a family emergency, leaving me alone all week. I have been peeling cats off me practically full-time the entire week. And laughing again at the Myth of the Aloof Feline who Doesn’t Need Human Companionship.

    Then I’m flying home Friday and she isn’t returning until Sunday, leaving two days of a completely mommy-free house. Whereupon we imagine this conversation will take place between the cats: “Wow. I thought things were bad. Now they’re so much WORSE.” (We have a friend come check on them, we aren’t total monsters)

    As a nondrinker (or a teetotaller, as my sister loves to call me), I would have even less tolerance for 3 am screaming. Like, murderously less tolerance. That shit is for college break, as you say. Grow the F up, people.

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    • lucysfootball

      When I had two cats, one was the aloof cat, and Dumbcat was always the clingy cat. Now that he’s alone, he’s the SUPER-clingy cat. When I go away for two weeks next year, I hope he doesn’t blow a gasket. (I’ll have a catsitter, but he still gets freaked out and misses his primary mommy.)

      I am also a nondrinker, and I get the drunk people. I do. I used to be the drunk people. But there’s a time and place, and this wasn’t it. Like, at all. Also, I’m terrible on 4 hours sleep. I was a zombie all day yesterday. Yawn.

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  • becomingcliche

    I haven’t seen Silver Linings Playbook. Does crying = good?

    I think you learned exactly what the bosses had set aside for you to learn on the retreat. Actually, I wonder if they weren’t trying to learn something for themselves – namely who can be trusted not to make fools of themselves at work retreats. You go, you MVP, you!

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  • Aussa Lorens

    What the heck, where do you work?! I need to participate in this kind of office retreat. Dang.

    Silver Linings Playbook was excellent– I thought it did a fair job of portraying mental illness as it might look in one particular person/family. Definitely did some weeping.

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    • lucysfootball

      Ugh, good, the next time we have one, I’ll give you my nametag and you can pretend to be me. I was terrible at the social interaction. OK at the work stuff, TERRIBLE at everything else.

      I loved the movie. The mental illness stuff got to me, and I’m totally a sucker for an intelligent romance. I was sold.

      Like

  • Samantha

    Hahahaha! Jennifer Lawrence is luminescent. I love her. and Bradley Cooper DOES have the prettiest eyes ever.

    Like

  • ksbeth

    so funny, who knew all of us who write are so weird? wow, what a crazy adventure, bet you’re glad you’re home too )

    Like

  • cynthiaw

    I loved that movie! And I don’t usually watch movies like that. Or movies with Robert Deniro in them – because who the FUCK is that guy anymore? But he was good in that. And JENNIFER LAWRENCE! I love her.

    Ugh… do not drink at work people. Just don’t. Lots of the parents drank at the church bazaar a few weekends back – and then were being inappropriate with people they were not married to. It was very uncomfortable. Obviously, I wasn’t drinking because I’m certainly not going to get trashed in front of the school community and because I was supervising students, so DUH.

    And writing is not weird – what kind of hobbies do they have? What’s a weird hobby anyway?

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    • lucysfootball

      I’m a sucker for a good romance. Not the sappy ones (although sometimes I’m in the mood for one of those) but an intelligent romance gets me every time. I loved it. Jennifer Lawrence amazes me. She’s got such range for such a young actress, and she seems so grounded as a person.

      I don’t know why people think drinking around coworkers is a good idea. I feel that will always come back and bite you.

      I think the other hobbies were scrapbooking and gardening. So comparatively, I suppose writing is weirdotimes?

      Like

  • The Waiting

    I am glad I’m not the only person who harbors animosity towards noisy drunks. They send me to the angry moon.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    You survived! And won! Yay!

    Like

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