I am off for a most grand adventure today. Or maybe something terrible. Time will tell, I suppose.
A couple months ago, my office decided that the employees deserved to go on a company retreat like the directors go on every now and then. So it was announced that we would go on a totally volunteer-basis company retreat in the fall.
If you GO on this retreat, you get to go to a conference center in the woods, by a lake, in the mountains. Andreas informed me this is likely where one is indoctrinated into a cult, but he warned me too late. I had already signed up.
Pretty, yeah? Are those cult members I see in the distance?
See, if you go, you don’t have to get there until 11am the first day, and then you get to leave at noon the second day, AND THEY PAY YOU FOR BOTH DAYS. Like, they pay you the WHOLE DAY’S WAGES for both days. Plus, I like the woods and lakes and mountains. And there’s an award-winning restaurant on premises that feeds us. And we get to stay in a hotel room, and I’m totally obsessed with hotel rooms because crisp sheets and little shampoos and I feel like I’m fancy. (No joke; when people I love travel, they know to send me photos of their hotel rooms. I am completely enamored with hotel rooms. When I was little, that was my best part of taking family trips. Also, I used to be obsessed with vending machines. Dad knew to bring all the change because the first thing we did after I checked out every inch of the hotel room was go to the vending machine and look at ALL THAT SNACK FOOD and then pick some out and watch it drop down and giggle and giggle. Dad actually asked me when I told him about this trip, “Do you think there will be a vending machine? Make sure you bring some change.” I had to sadly tell him that vending machines have lost their appeal for me as I got older and there were vending machines all over the place and they weren’t as white-whaley as they were when I was a little girl. As you can see by this aside, I have always been easily charmed by small, stupid things.)
So soon I will hit the road and meet friend A. and we will make the long drive to the mountains and start retreating.
Things they had better not do at this retreat:
TRUST FALLS (I don’t trust anyone enough to fall backward and assume they’ll catch me)
IMPROV GAMES (had my fill of those in college theater classes, thanks)
BONDING EXERCISES WHERE YOU TELL SECRETS (nope, my secrets go to the grave with me)
ANYTHING WHERE I AM PUT ON THE SPOT AND EXPECTED TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING BRILLIANT (I get brain freeze and can’t perform under pressure like that…probably I need company-retreat Viagra)
We were also promised a bonfire and smores at one point, which I may or may not participate in. It’s cold here. I don’t know that I want to hang out in the wilderness all chilly. There was also the rumor of much free alcohol. If people think getting drunk with coworkers is a good idea, they are wrong. Why do people always think that’s a good idea? It is not. They are foolish to think it is. The only thing that leads to is weird looks in the copyroom the next day, yo. Get your shit together.
Per this photo, we may also do ghost hunting. What is HAPPENING here? Good grief.
I’m totally bringing all the technology because I checked the website and the place has wifi and if things get weird I’m going to be all “cough cough need to get some sleep not feeling well” and head to my room and play around on the interwebs. I can only be social for so long.
If you never hear from me again, just assume I’ve been eaten by a bear. Or that no one caught me when we did that damn trust fall and they put my body in the lake.
November 4th, 2013 at 11:55 am
No trust falls, and no trust WALKS, either. No good can come of walking around in the woods with a blindfold on. Enjoy your hotel room! The Padawan agrees with you that the hotel is the very best part. We take him out once a year for his birthday, and he gets to stay in a “fancy” hotel. He loves the vending machines, too. I love that about him. And about you.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 6:20 pm
No trust falls or walks. Just teambuilding and a lot of improv games. A LOT. The room is small but will do for the night. Sadly, no vending machines. This place seems too classy for vending machines. Sigh.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 12:35 pm
Yessss! I especially loved the non-food vending machines that had stuff like sewing kits in them :D
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 6:19 pm
I didn’t see one of those until I was an adult. They made me laugh!
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 1:27 pm
I always loved the vending machines too! It must be a universal thing. I mean, all those treats to choose from… how could any kid resist?
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 6:19 pm
It was like a carnival game where you were guaranteed a prize of deliciousness. I totally approved.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 1:31 pm
I would go, too – because of the whole getting paid for the whole two days and only working half of each and the hotel and good food and stuff. Plus, it always looks bad if you don’t go.
However, I don’t do trust falls or secret sharing either – they are always trying to get us to do that when we go on retreat and I”m all, “ummm… no”. I don’t do secrets and I don’t do crying at work.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 6:18 pm
I won’t say much other than I was lured in by half-days and I should have just gone to work. Aggressive teambuilding is not something I am at all good at. It’s kind of like someone coming up to you and saying, “YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND NOW!” and most people, apparently, per what I’m seeing here, would be all, “OK!” and I’d be like, “Why you yelling, bro, get outta my face with the demands.” And then people look at you weird for it.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 9:30 pm
I’m terrible at aggressive team-building too – mostly because it’s FAKE and MANUFACTURED. Becoming a team should be an organic process.
Plus, I’m contrary, so if you try to MAKE me do something that I might otherwise find fun, I WILL NOT ENJOY IT. And I will find a way to sabotage it. Or just hide.
The lack of vending machines is inexcusable – even with taking the check-in cookies into account.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 9:42 pm
I just stand there silently. Then people are all “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! THIS IS FUN!” which makes me stabby.
It’ll be fine. I get to go home tomorrow. I’m over halfway done now.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 10:04 pm
lol – And then I look at those people with suspicion FOREVER after we return to work. Because – SERIOUSLY, who actually enjoys this stuff? So, I figure that they’re all pretending because they’re big brown-nosers.
LikeLike
November 5th, 2013 at 9:01 pm
I couldn’t tell if it was pretend, or they really, REALLY like this stuff. Maybe they do? A lot of them said they wanted to do it again next year. I’m weird, though. If everyone’s enjoying something, I’m sure to be the crabby one in the corner all “Meh, where’s my book and my pajamas.”
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 2:07 pm
Please please please make up something ridiculous as your secret. Oh and have fun :)
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 6:16 pm
No secret-telling. I did win the “weirdest hobby” contest. Apparently being a writer is a weird hobby. Neat.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 2:17 pm
I’m still not convinced you won’t end up mass-wed to a bunch of strangers. Or at least axe murdered.
Do take care.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 6:15 pm
I don’t want to be married. Or axe-murdered. I think I’ll just hide in my room, ok? OK.
Only 19 more hours to go!
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 2:30 pm
I’m pretty enamored with the vending machines still, because most of them have Cheetos and those you can’t resist.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 6:14 pm
There are no vending machines here. NONE. There were cookies when we checked in, though, so that’s nice.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 9:53 pm
What kinda hotel doesn’t have vending machines? That is it. Time to make a bitter protest.
LikeLike
November 5th, 2013 at 9:03 pm
It was kind of this rustic conference center. No TVs, no vending machines, no ice machines. It was pretty, at least. I think it was going for this purposely non-modern thing. It had its charms, but I think I’d rather have one with a big old TV, a queen-sized bed, an ice machine, and a vending machine filled with delicious, terrible-for-me goodies. Yum.
LikeLike
November 6th, 2013 at 12:55 am
I agree. I have a hard time without my electronics. After having experienced HD Tv it is hard to go back to no TV at all.
LikeLike
November 6th, 2013 at 7:58 pm
I JUST got HDTV a few months ago. I’m kind of in love. What a huge difference!
LikeLike
November 6th, 2013 at 11:15 pm
Once you go high def, there is nothing else lef…t.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 2:52 pm
It is interesting that your final scenarios of doom (bear or lake) DON’T include some kind of cult possibility, but I am sure the cultists will all be too busy knitting sweaters out of human hair to mess around with corporate retreaters…unless they have long wild hair that is. Hmm. Wear a cap, you’ll be fine.
Last night I was putting annoying cat in the basement (in my silent darkened house,) and I noticed that the street right in front was densely fogged in, despite the fact there was a good breeze out, and the street further down the hill was completely clear. I opened the front door a crack to see if I could smell smoke (was the neighbor’s house on fire?) but no, just mist. Then I thought, what if I just let in homicidal spirits like in The Fog and they are standing behind me now with their hooks raised and their dead eyes glaring. I have WAY too much imagination to be wandering a house at night. Your foggy resort pic kind of reminded me of that. Again, I am sure you will be fine.
Have fun!
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 6:14 pm
So far, the only menace has come from aggressive teambuilding exercises. There don’t seem to be cultists. Unless they’re totally hiding in the bushes waiting for me to come home. Which they might be. Those wily cultists.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 8:45 pm
C trust falls on me all day, and I’m with you, it is not an enjoyable activity. At all.
LikeLike
November 4th, 2013 at 9:41 pm
My nephew used to do that when he was littler. It amazed me he just knew I’d be there. (And sometimes I wasn’t, and had to SCRAMBLE to get there!) I guess as we get older, the joy of falling backward and knowing someone will catch us wears off.
LikeLike
November 5th, 2013 at 9:05 am
Sounds like a really fun time!!! I love weekend trips away no matter the reason :)
LikeLike
November 5th, 2013 at 9:00 pm
It was an adventure. For sure. I’m home now. And so happy to be here!
LikeLike
November 5th, 2013 at 12:14 pm
Hotel rooms are the BEST. I still get excited when I stay in one and the very first thing I do is fill up the ice bucket (even tho I will not use any of the ice) and get a coke. I don’t know what it is about pop out of a hotel vending machine but somehow it is just better than any other vending machine pop. Good luck and if the mist comes in, run to your room and lock the door. Just sayin’.
LikeLike
November 5th, 2013 at 8:59 pm
There was no ice and no bucket and no vending machine and no soda. Sigh. It was kind of a convention center rather than a real hotel, so a lot more rustic. No TVs, even. BUT, no mist. So that’s a total win.
LikeLike
November 5th, 2013 at 2:29 pm
No trust falls for me, either. I tore up an elbow catching someone once. Never again. I can’t wait to hear about the ghost hunting. That sounds awesome!
LikeLike
November 5th, 2013 at 8:57 pm
Oh, I made up the ghost hunting. There was no ghost hunting. I wish there had been, though. That WOULD have been awesome. Nope, just teambuilding and presentations and people getting a little too soused at the open bar the first night and then being pretty hungover the next day.
LikeLike
November 5th, 2013 at 9:15 pm
Ghost hunting would be awesome for a teambuilding retreat! We should all go on one – we can sit around and read all day whilst eating food from the vending machines and drinking our iced down soda pop and then ghost hunt in the evening. Then we could finish the evening with s’mores and ghost stories and then off to bed for more reading!
LikeLike
November 6th, 2013 at 8:01 pm
Seriously, that’s a great idea! How much fun would that be? I would LOVE that! (I totally want to go on one of those ghosthunting tours before I get too old to do such a thing and run the risk of breaking a hip when I run from a murderghost or something.)
LikeLike