Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 17)

I may or may not get this up for Wednesday; I’m cutting it close tonight. I had other things to write, and then I have ANOTHER thing to write before snoozetimes. I tend to have too many things to do and not enough time to do it. It’s a thing with me; I’ve grown to accept it.

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, or have that thing wrong with you like Drew Barrymore in that sappy Adam Sandler movie where you forget everything when you wake up in the mornings, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. Somehow there were more questions than search terms this month. I can never predict you guys, You’re tricksy, you are.

So, yet again!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And how can I not answer their questions? I mean, that’d be the rudest thing ever. Think of the bad karma that’d get me! I can’t afford to rack up bad karma, I’m still trying to work off all the bad karma from when I was a callow youth!

are there any real followers of wordpress blogs Ha! Well, lately, I DO have to wonder. My followers are mostly blogs with names like “truerealporn” and “vaccuumsforsale” and I’m FAIRLY sure those aren’t, like, real blogs with real points of view and such. But, yes. There are real followers; I get comments from them daily (and sometimes even new ones, which is always nice! Hi, new people! Who are really real humans!) WordPress, take note: people are searching if there are ANY REAL BLOGS on your site. This is your wakeup call to crack down on the spammers. You’re welcome. Spammers, take a hike.

do autistic kids get merka Good grief, I don’t even know if *I* get Merka. What kind of question is this? This has me extremely perplexed. I don’t know that ANYONE gets Merka. Weird conservative people talk a lot about SAVING Merka, but GETTING Merka, that’s a whole different thing, isn’t it? And what the hell does autism have to do with it? I’d say you’re welcome, but your question is weird, and it’s also vaguely offensive, so you get no thanks from me, Odd McGurk.

MERKA!!!!

MERKA!!!!

what are helpful services for crossdressers to be more feminine Aw, I love how polite this question is.  You’re very sweet. Helpful services! Well, I’d say it’s all in the clothes…and your clothes start with your support items, I think. I don’t know much about crossdressing, but I believe you need good lingerie and such. I believe a good scarf or turtleneck would cover your neck (I’ve been in situations where I’ve tried to tell if someone was male or female…don’t ask) and as for your hands? Not really sure. But if I have anyone who knows about such things, time to speak up. Look how polite the question was, yo! You are welcome. I have much love for crossdressers; I’ve known some lovely ones in my time.

how to write a i meant nothing to you letter I’m confused again. Who writes a “I meant nothing to you” letter? Those are letters you RECEIVE. And they’re more “YOU meant nothing to ME” letters, aren’t they? (And who writes these things anymore? I think people break up with you via text nowadays. Or, in my case, they just stop talking to you, and then you’re like, “oh, are we broken up now?” and they’re like, “we were never together” and you’re like, “oh, huh, well, that hurt, you bastard.”) I guess if this is something you NEED to write…well, just write the damn thing. I’ve had equal success and failure with letters I’ve drafted for days and with letters I spewed out at 1am because I was so upset I needed to get the words out…so there’s no hard and fast rule for such things. You’re welcome; I’m sorry you meant nothing to someone. That person sounds like a douchecanoe, if it helps at all.

Nothing! NOTHING!!!1!

Nothing! NOTHING!!!1!

is there a way to hang out with cartoons Um. I don’t…do you mean like you want to enter a Roger-Rabbit-style world and rub up on Jessica or something? Or go into a video game? I don’t even know what to make of this. I suppose you could learn to draw and draw yourself into a comic book or something? You are aware cartoons aren’t REAL, right? OK. Just making sure. You’re worrying me. You’re welcome; maybe go out, hang with some real people, see how that works out for you?

I'll hang out with these cartoons. These are my peeps.

I’ll hang out with these cartoons. These are my peeps.

do you know any lonely men who have sex with blowup dolls blogs I can say, unequivocably, that no. No, I do not know any blogs that are specific to this exact thing. I would think those people were much too busy to be blogging. What with the sexing plastic dolls and all. And they’re probably too sticky to be typing. What? I’m just SAYING. You’re welcome, maybe read something a little less…sad?

examples of signs to post so people clean up after themselves you made the mess now clean it for house Well, here’s the thing. You don’t seem to need an example; you can just type up “you made the mess; now clean it” and hang it up. BAM. SOLVED IT. I mean, you COULD write something disgustingly cute like “Your mama doesn’t work here, so clean up after yourself!” or something, but just a simple sign like “Stop being a huge hog and wipe up your mess, you gross pig” will do just as well. You’re welcome, I’m sorry people are gross in your house – but I do have to ask, if it’s your HOUSE, you obviously KNOW the people, can’t you just TALK to them?

what are some symptoms of monkeyphobia An irrational fear of monkeys. You’re welcome; some questions are easier than others. (Also, Andreas would kill me if I didn’t tell you it’s either called maimouphobia or pithikosophobia but it’s definitely not called monkeyphobia, although that word made me giggle.)

TERRIFYING! Urgh. Stupid monkeys.

TERRIFYING! Urgh. Stupid monkeys.

talking in sleep keeps me awake,what to do This has totally happened to me. To my dad, too. It runs in my family. (Once my dad said in his sleep, “Get that dog outta the garage! Go to the phone booth. THERE ARE BIRDS!” and when I said something to him the next day, he was all, “I would never say that. That doesn’t even make SENSE” but he totally did.) My roommate used to tell me she heard me talking in my sleep through the wall but she could never hear what I said, exactly. (That’s good. I was probably sharing really important secrets.) I don’t know what to do, exactly. Maybe go to a sleep clinic? I hear they can fix such things. Me, I’m too nervous about sleeping in front of people STARING at me to even try such a thing, but why don’t you do it and report back? You are welcome. Best of luck, my similarly-afflicted friend.

what are the places no one goes in ohio that are to scarey OMG TO SCAREY! I don’t know. Are there “scarey” places in Ohio? Maybe corn mazes? Haunted mansions? Places no one goes. This is pretty open-ended. Ohio people, please feel free to chime in on “scarey” places no one goes. My Ohio knowledge is pretty lacking. You’re welcome, if you go ghosthunting, remember to wear a gas mask like that douchey Zak Bagans.

Look, I found what seems to be a Ohio zombie strip club. Is that your thing?

Look, I found what seems to be a Ohio zombie strip club. Is that your thing?

what are some very very romantic love stories VERY VERY ROMANTIC. That’s pretty subjective, bub. What I think is very, very romantic and what you think is very, very romantic are two different beasts, most likely. For example: when I was younger, I thought Wuthering Heights was pretty romantic, until I grew up and realized the relationship those two had was more obsessive and abusive than romantic. Fine, some romantic things I can think of off the top of my head: The Time Traveler’s Wife, One Day, The Princess Bride, Eleanor and Park, Outlander (and don’t you even; I have already defended this choice. I understand it’s unpopular with some people based on content; I’m not going to defend my choices again.) You’re welcome; I hope you find the romance you’re looking for, and that romance isn’t between a sparkly vampire and a clumsy high-schooler.

was marlin perkins homosectual? I have no idea if he was gay or not, but I’m QUITE sure he wasn’t homosectual. I wasn’t even aware there was such a sect. Is there a dress code? Kicky hats, perhaps? Feather boas? You’re welcome. You’ve given me a LOT to think about.

what is the name of those piercings that go by your eye It’s just a microdermal piercing. It doesn’t have a specific name. I just read that they reject like 90% of the time. NINETY PERCENT. And you have to get them CUT OUT OF YOUR SKIN. And they SCAR. Your FACE. I’m voting no on this, anonymous searcher. You’re welcome, stick to things that are less scarry, ok?

what is it called when a guy cries or begs over you Sad? Worrisome? Unbalanced? Something you don’t want to happen, even if you think you do, because I promise you, it’s not as romantic as you think it is? You’re welcome. Life’s not a rom-com, babe.

SO MANY QUESTIONS MY GOODNESS!

Until next month – may all your questions be answered, and may you stay away from the wendigo. What wendigo? Best you don’t ask too many questions, really. Best for EVERYONE.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

18 responses to “Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 17)

  • becomingcliche

    Answer to last question: AWESOME. If he has been a total turd-bucket and got dumped and has since figured out what he’s missing out on. Awesome.

    Monkeys *shudders*

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ha! I didn’t even think of that. Yes. GOOD.

      I feel the same way about monkeys. They freak me the hell out. When I went to the zoo with my Dad (and I also did this to Andreas) when we got to the monkey cages I hid behind them in case the monkeys somehow found a way to escape and attack. I don’t trust that they won’t. They’re wily, those monkeys.

      Like

      • cynthiaw

        I don’t like monkeys either. I used to think that they were cute and then I was watching a NatGeo special in which a bunch of chimpanzees hunted and murdered a spider monkey and starting eating it WHILE IT WAS STILL ALIVE.

        And SCREAMING. Once I found out that chimps were creepy cannibals, I couldn’t ever look at them the same way again.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Monkeys terrify me. I saw them tear someone’s car apart at a drive-through animal park as a child in MINUTES. Such quick little hands. Think of what they could do to a human if they were so inclined. *shudder*

          Like

  • Jim W

    You always have the best questions.

    Lily gets Merka. “Lily, who’s the President of the United States of America?”

    “Obama!”

    There you go. Just as much as I know.

    I feel like you didn’t really help the cartoon guy. You sort of sidestepped his need and told him to hang out with people…IRL! IRL!!!! Danger!!

    So if he really wants to hang out with cartoons, he needs to go to a theme park.

    Sesame Street Place in PA if he likes Sesame Street characters.
    Disney for Disney cartoon characters
    Knotsberry Farm for Peanuts characters
    Universal for…lots of comic book characters and funny paper characters
    etc. and so forth.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yep. I think that’s all there is to get about Merka. Oh, also I think we’re supposed to NEVER FORGET and also STICK A BOOT IN THEIR ASS IT’S THE AMERICAN WAY.

      Psst, Jim, you know those cartoons in parks are real people in costumes, right? That’s why they scare me so much. Because if I can’t see their faces, I don’t know their intention, and they might be stabmurderers.

      (I would like to go to Knott’s Berry Farm to hang out with Lucy someday, though. What a photo op, right?)

      Like

      • cynthiaw

        And, if not stabmurderers, at least big, ole perverts. I say this from experience because my childhood love of Donald Duck was murdered at Disneyland when I was 17 and had my ass grabbed by DD, while posing for a picture with him and about 20 little cherubs – so I couldn’t even kick him in the knee without traumatizing small children.

        If I hadn’t been only 17 and clueless, I would have complained to park management and hoped that he got fired. Grr… stupid perverted Donald Duck.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I’ve heard terrible things about the people in those suits (and the employees at Disneyland.) If I can’t see someone’s face, no thanks. Not that that’s ALWAYS an indication of evil intent…but it’s a good tell for me.

          Like

      • emuse

        OMG, ;you have to go and get a photo with Lucy. And bring a football. Which I know you would do.

        Now I’m obsessed by this.

        Like

  • grrgoyl

    Those spammers are getting wily, though. After I posted about my horrible mountain biking trip where I spent the entire day pushing my bike up a mountain, I got Liked or Followed by a page dedicated to extreme sports videos. I was like, “Did you even read my post?” Now that I’m older and wiser, I know that no, it is more than likely they didn’t actually read my post. What ELSE do WP employees have to do besides crack down on this scourge? Can we have a recall election?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      It’s really perplexing. I don’t really understand what they think they’ll get from the follow. Most of them don’t even like the posts, so it’s not even like they’re promoting themselves. It’s all very odd, and I don’t like when I can’t get a sense of an endgame. And I like even less that WordPress doesn’t care.

      Like

  • emuse

    I like when people complain I’m not allowing them to like. No, person, I’m not. Likes are too spammy now. So I generally try not to have them.

    I have found if you really want to live with cartoons, you should draw them. Trust me, you are living them if you are working on a cartoon.

    Now I want to belong to a religion that’s homosectual.

    Like

  • sj

    WHY WAS THERE NO MONKEY WARNING AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS POST?!

    Like

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