An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 28)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Howdy, you guys! October’s coming to a close; the temperatures have dropped into the 50s during the day (and we’re almost to freezing at night, which – and yell at me if you want – I am LOVING.) It’s almost sweater-weather! It’s TOTALLY long-sleeves weather. The only thing I don’t love is the shorter days. It gets dark so soon now! I don’t look forward to the time when it’s dark when I get up and dark when I get home. Those days feel like I’m sleepwalking. Blergh. But, because I’m nuts, I still have my windows open in this weather; I am ALWAYS hot, and I love being cool for once. (And I love cuddling up under a pile of blankets with just my cold little nose sticking out with Dumbcat all warm curled up to me. It’s just the best.)

So, just in case you’re new (and if you ARE, hi there! Welcome!), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 28th one. Hey, Mom, remember that time you told me I didn’t stick to anything? HA HA! I showed YOU! If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Huh. Well, if I knew the answer to that, I…to be honest, I probably wouldn’t tell you. I like to play my cards pretty close to my vest. Dad told me once that if you told someone all your secrets, they’d be TWICE as smart as you, because they’d know all YOUR secrets, and all THEIR secrets, COMBINED. I took that to heart, my friends.

I'm not telling you NOTHING, Slappy.

I’m not telling you NOTHING, Slappy.

You know how lately we’ve had a ton of search terms and very few questions so I haven’t been able to do the accompanying question post that goes with this post? Well, THIS month, because you people like to shake it up, I got very FEW search terms, and a LOT of questions. So we do get to have both days of posts…but tomorrow’s post will be longer. I know. You guys are all kinds of unpredictable, aren’t you? Just a bunch of wild and crazy guys. Whoo.

Here we go! Search terms a’poppin’!

Why are you being weirdos, sincerely.

baby driving condition   I’m confused. Like, are you wondering under what conditions is it ok to let your baby DRIVE, or are you wondering under what conditions is it ok to drive AROUND a baby? I’m hoping it’s the latter, because the former is not ok. It would just end up like Toonces the Driving Cat and drive you off a cliff. Babies are TERRIBLE drivers. All kinds of road rage, especially if they lose their binkies.

german hat london Is it still a German hat, once it’s in London? Wouldn’t it become a British hat, just by the sheer fact it’s in London now? No? This search confuses me. Maybe you’re asking where to BUY a German hat in London? I’ll tell you a secret – on the interwebs. That’s where you can buy ANYTHING. No matter WHERE you live.

New favorite German hat. It's very matter-of-fact.

New favorite German hat. It’s very matter-of-fact.

google search paper mache fairies google search how to make paper mache very This is just about the weirdest search string ever. First you decided you wanted to make paper mâché fairies, but then you realized you didn’t know how to make the paper mâché, so you just made it into ONE LONG SEARCH. Way to multi-task, yo! Once I worked on a play where the whole set was paper mâché sand dunes. I’ve never been so covered in flour paste in my LIFE. I had to throw away my clothes I wore, AND my shoes. That stuff just didn’t wash out. It also was virtually impossible to get out of my hair. I mean, we had a lot of fun making the set, but cleanup was the WORST.

I Googled paper-mache fairy and got this. IT IS HORRIFYING.

I Googled paper-mache fairy and got this. IT IS HORRIFYING.

napoleon school oh bullying I’m not really sure what the “napoleon school” thing is, here (Napoleon Dynamite was the only thing that came to mind, and although I’ve seen that a number of times, this didn’t ring any bells) but “oh, bullying” made me laugh. “Oh, bullying. I mean. What can you do, really? Those wacky kids. HA HA BULLYING!” Sigh.

nobody likes you when you’re 23 gifts Do you want gifts or GIFs? There’s an important difference, you know. (Although you could, I suppose, give a GIF as a gift. People have sent me GIFs as a gift before.) If you really ARE looking for gifts, and it’s for a 23-year-old who still listens to this song which is like…um…I don’t know, 15 years old now or something…maybe get them a boom-box CD player or something, I don’t even know what the hell.

I know all about these!

chateaugay wind farm   It’s kind of OUTSIDE of Chateaugay (that’s my HOOD, yo!), but there’s totally a wind farm, with big wonderful windmills. Dad hates them (I think he thinks they’re somehow related to the government, as are most things in the world of Dad) but I think they look like stately alien beings and whenever I see them, I grin.

So pretty!

So pretty!

friendly’s chicken fingers CHICKEN FINGERS ARE DELICIOUS. That’s all I have to say about that, yo. I like knowing that if there’s nothing else I’m comfortable about eating on the menu, I always have the option of chicken fingers.


daryl dixon statue Is this really a thing? Let’s go look.

More of one of those fancy articulated action figures you’re not supposed to take out of the box than a statue, but I like that it exists. And it has a string of squirrels with it. That’s nice. Daryl’s not Daryl without a string of dead vermin.


eating boys puding Yeah, there’s no way this isn’t a euphemism. And a REALLY gross one, at that. (And a poorly spelled and punctuated one, too.)


he called me rude I’m sorry. Were you BEING rude? If so, maybe stop that…if not, well, he’s an ass, and don’t waste any more time on him. (I’ve been called rude before. Sometimes it was warranted, I’m just saying. I’m kind of blunt at times. I’ve been working on that, though.)

i hate men ALL men? Are you sure? Have you met every single man on the whole planet? I just have to put in a good word for men, here. Many (MANY) of my closest friends are male. I love men. And guess what? I have lots of female friends, too. I also love women. I mean, not ALL of them. Who could love everyone they meet? But it’s such a stupid blanket statement to say “I hate men.” You don’t know all the men. You might hate SOME men. Some men may have wronged you. But you don’t hate all men. I know you don’t. So please don’t say you do. It makes my heart hurt. (And honestly? It makes you sound dim. Sorry to be mean, but it’s true.)

Don't try it. I'll throw something worse than rocks at you. Ninja stars, maybe.

Don’t try it. I’ll throw something worse than rocks back at you. Ninja stars, maybe.

i saw you unfriended me on facebook Did you? And how did that make you feeeeeeel? Please stop thinking being unfriended on Facebook is live or die, kiddos. It’s just social media. Does it hurt? Yes. Does it make you feel stupid that it hurts? Yes, again. I can only think of two unfriendings on Facebook that have ever mattered to me, and you know what I did? Talked to the people about them. I KNOW! Like, we DISCUSSED them! Like ADULTS! The rest of them? Eh. I let them go. There are a lot of reasons someone might unfriend you on Facebook, and here’s a secret you might not want to hear: it’s very seldom about you. Sometimes it’s just because they’re narrowing their friend list and you guys don’t talk much anymore and they’re no longer comfortable with you having access to their personal info. Let it go, my darling. It’s social media, not life or death. Well, most of the time.


i’m gonna do sexy things to u No one’s allowed to do sexy things to me who uses the letter “u” in the place of the word “you.” It’s a rule I have, like “always use a condom” and “never date a guy who has a Tea Party bumper sticker or Truck Nutz on his vehicle.” Also, I don’t like that you’re not ASKING, you’re TELLING. I’m not giving you PERMISSION to do sexy things to me, my text-speaking friend, so keep u-r hands to u-rself.

psst…. look over here porn video Can you even imagine a worse porn video? “Psst, look over here. IT IS MY WANG!” That’d be the worst surprise ever. Is this a thing? Like, a porn thing? A porn thing I do NOT want to know about? What if it was a clown. “Psst, look over here. I AM A CLOWN AND HERE IS MY WANG!” Oh, this is HORRIBLE.



should u use condoms with masterbater toys OK, first, that’s not spelled right at all. And second, I think you can just call them sex toys, yo. As for whether to use condoms with them…I don’t know. Your call, I suppose. Are you sharing them? You could just wash them between uses if you’re all germophobic. There’s probably advice on various sex-toy sites. Have you tried searching THERE and not HERE?

women without all clothes ALL clothes. Not even a stitch. Not even a HAT, you guys. ALL CLOTHES. Well. That’s titillating. Psst! LOOK OVER HERE!

Foreign friends!

Деиман сольваторе This is “Damon Salvatore” in Russian. I like that I have a Russian friend who likes The Vampire Diaries. Hi, Russian friend! Yes, Damon’s a pretty one. It’s a true statement. In Russian OR English. Also, look how pretty that writing is. What’s that called? Cyrillic or something? I could Google it but it’s really late and I’m sleepy.

Those EYES!

Those EYES!

мулы фото And this one is “mules photo” in Russian! OK, this means that Helper Mule is now an INTERNATIONAL SENSATION. I like that so much. Helper Mule is very happy to be popular in Russia! He gives you his finest greetings and salutations!

There you go, kiddos. Until tomorrow, when you get to see the crazytown questions that I got asked this month. Most sincerely. Are you so excited? You SHOULD be.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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