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A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality.

It wouldn’t be October unless we took a look at what’s on offer in the sex-ay laydeez costuming arena, would it? I mean, seriously. I know I’m super-late on this. I’ve done these in a MUCH more timely fashion in the past. I’m sure you’ve already planned out what you want to be this year. Sexy Sponge Bob, or Sexy Zombie, or Sexy Axe Murderess, or Sexy Tea Party Member. (Shut up, I’m sure someone out there has a Sexy Tea Party Member costume. I would assume it comes with an optional ball-gag, for when they start running at the mouth about FOX News too much.)

The lovely Mer sent me this recently, so we know we always have this option…

We can be SEXY GHOSTS!

We can be SEXY GHOSTS!

Usually I go to Party City for my sexy costume needs, but this year I was trolling Spirit, just to shake things up a bit. Spirit worries me. Do people really shop there? Those stores always pop up at the end of September and then disappear, like tumbling tumbleweeds. They’re like haunted stores. Here one minute, gone the next, and with them, they take…YOUR SOUL!

Or at least your dignity, or your sense of self-worth.

So! What does Spirit want the laydeez to be this Halloween? Well! Let’s see!

This is a sexy panda. No, I don’t know what’s sexy about pandas, either. I think an accessory for this could be eucalyptus. You could just gnaw on it all night. Now THAT, my friends, is SEXYTIMES. (Also, this costume would be hot and scratchy. Who wears a furry hood all night long? And mukluks? My word. You’d be all sweaty and gross.)

Because a., death is sexy, and b., nothing says “KISS ON MY FACE RIGHT NOW” than a whole face full of white paint. You’re gonna get smeary, Senorita Death. (I didn’t make up that name. That’s straight from Spirit. SENORITA DEATH.)

Well, if you thought a panda was sexy, how about a raccoon? I mean, I don’t know about you, but rooting through trash cans says “DO ME BABY!” like, super-loud. Also, this costume would ALSO be hot. In a sweaty way, I mean. Stop wearing fur to parties. Parties are always too hot as it is. All that body heat and crowding and such.

I’m confused why this one is even INCLUDED in the sexy costume section. It covers way too much flesh, and there’s not much sexy about some sort of graveyard ghost. I think even the raccoon might be sexier than someone in a ripped filthy gramma nightgown.

There’s no crying in baseball. But there would be crying if you showed up wearing this and attempted to PLAY baseball, because you’d sprain your ankle in your fuck-me maryjanes and get grassburn all over your midsection.

This is…some sort of furry sexy monster Muppet thing? I haven’t even the foggiest guess. I feel if someone comes up to you wearing this you run, because this is the kind of person you writes in bubble-letters and cries a lot. Possibly DURING sex.

OMG COME ON. This one’s not even TRYING. Who can guess what this is supposed to be? Anyone? IT IS A SEXY NINJA TURTLE. The only thing that tells us this is the sort-of shell-like iron-on on the tummy. THIS IS A TANK-TOP DRESS WITH AN IRON-ON. Give me a break.

What’s hysterical about this to me is a., the very, VERY small hat, all precariously perched on her head, and b., the unfortunate choice of color in the crotchal region. It’s like a peek-a-boo private area.

Apparently, animals are very sexy this year, which goes into a weird bestiality area I’m not at all interested in discussing. This one’s apparently a sexy zebra? Huh. I would think zebras were more stompy than sexy, but what the hell do I know.

Because MERKA! Also sex.

Well, I don’t know about you, but back when I was little and eating my Happy Meals, nothing made me hotter than the Hamburglar. RAWR.

Yes, even ladybugs are sexy if you make their skirts short enough. Insect sex, anyone? YES PLEASE.

This is a sexy garden gnome. I don’t even…this creeps me out. Like, sincerely. I don’t know if it’s the costume or the shit-eating grin on her face or what, but I find this psychotically distressing.

Yep. Sexy Tin Man, baby. Also, a good idea for your one-night stand? Have them be wielding an axe. Nothing better than a whorey girl you don’t know with a murder implement.

This one doesn’t know if it wants to be sexy or zombie-y so it went both ways and it’s just a hot damn mess. “I’m a zombie waitress! Because after I died, all I wanted to do was…um…continue to work my soul-sucking job where they made me wear a really short skirt! Want to feel me up in the guest bathroom?”

OMG NO NO NO NO CLOWNS CLOWNS ARE NEVER SEXY NO NO NOOOOOO

TASTE THE RAINBOW. (The rainbow is a euphemism.)

Anyone ever want to hook up with Rainbow Brite? WELL NOW YOU CAN. Because that’s not at all creepy and worrisome. And again with the fur trim. ITCHY AND HOT.

And in case Rainbow Brite doesn’t rev your engine, here’s Strawberry Shortcake. I’m so glad people are sexualizing my childhood toys. Where’s sexy Mrs. Potato Head, or sexy Cabbage Patch Kid? Ugh, I’m not even going to ask, they totally probably exist. *shudder*

Where’s Nemo? OMG THERE HE IS STOP THAT, NEMO, THIS IS A RATED-G MOVIE!

And, now for the MOST SEXY COSTUME EVER, the one that will make every man at the party want to plow you like a snow-covered road…

YEAH BABY! Nothing sexier than this. Nothing at all. I! Want to rock and roll! All night! And get tested for chlamydia EVERY DAY!

I hope this was very helpful, my little pumpkin pies. Remember, Halloween is for tricks, treats, and having ill-advised sex with someone dressed like a sexy animal of some sort. I recommend a sexy wombat. Why? Well, why not? Wombats are ALWAYS sexy, yo.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

38 responses to “A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality.

  • bensbitterblog

    So I’m thinking I need to have as a costume Upbeat Ben?

    Like

  • elaine4queen

    I think the raccoon costume looks cosy,

    If I had it I’d probably just wear it until next June.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! Now I want to get it for you so you can snuggle up in it. You would make Poppet so happy. She could curl right up to you and she’d think she’d finally made an interspecies friend!

      Like

      • elaine4queen

        She’s enough of an idiot!

        She’s snuggled up under the duvet after a night of unwellness due to eating *something* outdoors. She is always trying to eat *something* and not all of these things are identifiable, so god knows what it was.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Hee! Aw, Poppet. But the things smell so INTERESTING! And how better to know what they are than to put them in one’s MOUTH? (Last night, Dumbcat tried to eat the top off a soda bottle because I dropped it and he thought it was a treat. He lives up to his nickname, that cat.)

          Like

  • willieburgscrapper

    To be totally obnoxious the Señorita Death is based on the Mexican Day of the Dead holiday theme that is “trendy” right now. I love the duality of it- celebrating endings as beginnings and remembering family that has passed on by leaving food and flowers at their grave site- it’s awesome. The costume is cheap but whatever if you are 6 foot 5 and 120 pounds you can rock it. I’m really not so I’ll be making my own. That sexy ghost photo made me do a spit take- wish I had thought it up.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, I know…I was just mocking the idea of face paint and making out because I’m secretly mentally a teenage girl. I also love the Day of the Dead, and the whole idea behind it, and the artwork, and have a gorgeous necklace based on it.

      Like

  • Mer

    Oh, man, sexy Hamburglar completely confused me. I was thinking, “Why is Zorro in jail?”

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t think that was REALLY supposed to be Hamburglar…but isn’t that what it looks like? I don’t even remember what it called that one. Sexy burglar, or something weird. I want to be sexy Grimace. OMG MAKE SEXY GRIMACE A THING!

      Like

  • becomingcliche

    Skittles! *snort*

    The KISS one is special. I can’t tell if it’s a man or a woman, which I am sure makes it doubly pleasing.

    Like

  • Charleen

    I’m going as a fictional teenage Canadian pop star, so I’m not sure what that says about my personality…

    Like

  • grrgoyl

    LOL I went to Spirit this year, not a planned trip, just something to do after my friend finished her Comcast business in the same plaza. I didn’t see these sexy costumes. I did find “Daryl’s zombie ear necklace” which I totally bought because I’m going as Daryl this year (NO NOT SEXY DARYL) and not crafty enough to make my own zombie ears. We also saw an enormous electric spider that sprang out at you when you stepped on the pad and, even though I absolutely knew it was going to happen, I still screeched like a little girl because it happened so FAST. Also a fairly cool Angel of Death that flapped its wings jerkily that I would have bought if I had $40 burning a hole in my pocket (which I never do).

    What does it say about me that I always go as male characters? Maybe I secretly want to be a man?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw, yay! Daryl! That’s a great costume! (I hope it’s Daryl pre-this-season. His hair in the premiere was TERRIBLE. He’s still the pretty, but SUCH BAD HAIR!)

      Male characters are a good choice. You get to wear more clothing. I approve.

      Like

      • grrgoyl

        LOL Hair is unfortunately the Achilles heel of the outfit. Mine is long, vaguely mullet-ish (shorter in front than back), and not remotely like his. I bought a wig which isn’t much better and guarantees that I’d be enormously uncomfortable to boot, so will probably just go au naturale and let people use their imaginations. I am INSANELY proud of scoring a faux leather jacket at the thrift store for $6 that I cut the arms off, and glued on my own angel wings. Finished product: PERFECT. I also bought a toy crossbow and a gaggle of plush toys to hang from my belt like squirrels that I killed (I will be sure to post pics on my blog).

        Of course, a very tiny percentage of my friends are cool enough to watch the show, so all this will have pretty disappointing results ultimately. But I’LL know I’m the shit.

        (More clothing is good, esp in Colorado where Halloween can get down into the 40’s.)

        Like

  • DogsDontPurr

    This cracked me up! I wouldn’t have even known what most of these were without your descriptions. Some of them were kinda cute….but only if you’re a super model and can walk in high heels.

    As much as I love Halloween and the idea of dressing up in costume, I almost never do. Mainly because I hate going out to crowded, noisy bars and such. It was so much easier when you were a kid. You were cute just by default because you were a kid in costume. And all you had to worry about was razor blades in your candy! Also, nobody was counting carbs back then, yo!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      That’s totally the problem – you have to be a supermodel to pull these off. (Even the plus-size costumes assume you’re supermodel plus-sized, like Emme.)

      I never dress up, either, or go out. But I do love the holiday. I stay home and watch scary movies, usually. I don’t even get trick-or-treaters. My first year in my current place, I stood on the porch and beseeched kids to come to my door until I realized I was being a total weirdo creeper and now I just don’t bother.

      Like

  • BigLizzy

    This is so, so funny, like all of your writing is, mama. Have you seen the latest Skittles commercial, “French the Rainbow”? Yeah, waaaay disturbing. I guess I have now crossed over into to full-blown middle-age, because I just don’t get that sh*t. Thanks for the many, many laughs. I absolutely love your blog, sis.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      OMG NO. I assume there’s french-kissing in the Skittles commercial? GROSS. (I don’t know if it’s your age. I think those Skittles commercials are just TOO WEIRD. And created by someone who took a bag of shrooms and then went all Mad-Men on the Skittles account.)

      You’re so welcome! Thank you for reading!

      Like

      • BigLizzy

        Right?! Totally. You are soooo right, honey. It is acid-induced marketing. I swear it. Anyway, yeah, it’s two gingers kissing. Let’s see if the following link will work. If not, head over to YouTube and search on “French the Rainbow”. It comes right up. LOL!

        Like

  • cynthiaw

    I’m surprised that there isn’t a sexy baby or sexy Teletubbie or sexy Barney the dinosaur costume. Where do people even GET this stuff?

    And do people actually buy and wear those costumes?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think the first year I did it, there was a sexy Marvin the Martian and a sexy Spongebob. “Sexy” in airquotes, kind of, though, because they were more weird than sexy.

      I think probably college students buy and wear these, maybe? I have no idea who else would make choices these ill-advised.

      Like

  • Heather

    I actually really like the dress that goes with the Statue of Liberty costume. It’s quite pretty. I wouldn’t wear it as a costume, though.

    I dislike all the costumes, but the always-cold part of me loves the look of all those long socks. I would wear them under pants and be WARM. Haha!

    Like

  • Mar Martini

    I love this! I despise costume shopping as I do want to look somewhat cute, but the coverage is an absolute joke. I live in Minnesota and well, I am not interested in showing off my partially naked body to close friends. Ha! I tend to make my own costumes so I can find a way to incorporate sweatpants… BUT I did like the gnome costume :)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, I’ve totally given up on Halloween. I don’t even go out anymore. And I don’t even get trick or treaters anymore. I just stay home and sometimes watch scary movies. (But when I was a kid, we were in cold country…our costumes were always geared toward long johns. Anything we could wear long johns underneath was a winning costume idea.)

      Like

  • innyganker

    Reblogged this on In an Indian Week and commented:
    Lucy’s football once again says everything I would like to say better than I could have said it. “Sexy Halloween” is out of control people. Read and be amused!

    Like

  • Tony Bird

    To be fair, when I was about five years old, I really had the hots for Rainbow Brite and her giant head. I even had a Rainbow Brite doll.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      This made me laugh so hard. I’m totally imagining young-you lusting over Rainbow Brite and her stripey tights. Her and her giant head. Hee!

      (I never had Rainbow Brite. I only had Strawberry Shortcake. I don’t know why that was.)

      Like

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